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Topic started by NOV on Tue May 23 22:38:40 2006.

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

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From: NOV on Tue May 23 22:39:56 2006.

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."

The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."
From: NOV on Tue May 23 22:43:02 2006.

Kids view on marriage

What Exactly Is Marriage?

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.'
Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years old

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years old

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old
From: Arthi on Wed May 24 1:09:03 2006.

ஒருவர் :வொர்க்கிங் டைம்ல சீட்டு விளையாடினேன்னு சொல்லி எங்க எம்.டி. என் சீட்டை கிழிச்சிட்டார்.

மற்றவர் : அடடே, அப்புறம்...?

ஒருவர் :வேற சீட்டு வாங்கிட்டு வந்து மறுபடியும் விளையாடினோம்
From: sgokulprathap on Wed May 24 1:13:48 2006.

Yedho bookla padicha maadhiri irukku. But nice.

Aama neenga TNla irundhu Mumbai ponadhu seatu velayadava.
From: Arthi on Wed May 24 1:18:47 2006.

sgokulprathap wrote:

Yedho bookla padicha maadhiri irukku. But nice.

Aama neenga TNla irundhu Mumbai ponadhu seatu velayadava.

Unmaya open-a forum-la pesadeenga...
From: Arthi on Wed May 24 1:20:26 2006.

ஒருவர் : நான் புதுசா ஒரு நாய் வாங்கி யிருக்கேன் வந்து பாருங்களேன்.

மற்றவர் : அந்த நாய் கடிக்குமா...?

ஒருவர் : அதைத் தெரிஞ்சுக்கத்தான் உங்களைக் கூப்பிடறேன்.
From: Arthi on Wed May 24 1:38:01 2006.

நர்ஸ் : டாக்டர்... நாலாம் நம்பர் பேஷண்ட் ஆட்டோ டிரைவர் போலிருக்கு...
டாக்டர் : எப்படிக் கண்டுபிடிச்சே...?

நர்ஸ் : அவருக்கு ஜுரமே இல்லை... ஆனா, தர்மா-மீட்டர் மட்டும் நிறைய காட்டுது.

From: mgb on Wed May 24 1:57:01 2006.

Arthi wrote:

ஒருவர் : நான் புதுசா ஒரு நாய் வாங்கி யிருக்கேன் வந்து பாருங்களேன்.

மற்றவர் : அந்த நாய் கடிக்குமா...?

ஒருவர் : அதைத் தெரிஞ்சுக்கத்தான் உங்களைக் கூப்பிடறேன்.

IDHUDHANDA KADI

From: sgokulprathap on Wed May 24 2:09:35 2006.

Aarthi pakkathula Kumudham, Anandha Vikatan yedhavadhu vachurikeengala?
From: Arthi on Wed May 24 2:13:36 2006.

sgokulprathap wrote:

Aarthi pakkathula Kumudham, Anandha Vikatan yedhavadhu vachurikeengala?

website erukkum bodhu...
From: NOV on Wed May 24 2:34:31 2006.

Subject: Indian Definitions

Mother-in-law:
In India - A woman capable of making your life miserable.
Outside India - A woman you never fight with, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free?

Husband:
In India - A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings.
Outside India - Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed.

Friend:
In India - A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you'll always be welcome.
Outside India - A person whom you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy.

Wife:
In India - A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take a shower.
Outside India - A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath.

Son:
In India - A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.
Outside India - A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn.

Daughter:
In India - A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes during her marriage.
Outside India - A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before her marriage.

Father:
In India - A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed.
Outside India - A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition.

Indian Engineer:
In India - A person with a respectable job and earning lots.
Outside India - A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich.

Doctor:
In India - A respectable person with OK income.
Outside India-A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called "doctor's wife".

Bhangra:
In India - A vigorous Punjabi festival dance.
Outside India - A dance you do, when you don't know how to dance.

Software Engineer:
In India - A high-tech guy, always speaks in American accent, always anxious to queue in the consulate visa line.
Outside India - The same hi-tech guy, who does Ganapati Puja everyday, and says 'This is my last year in the US (or wherever) 'every year.

A Green Card holder bachelor:
In India - the guy can't speak Tamil, parents of good looking girls are dying to hook him, wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there.
Outside India - the guy can't speak proper English, wears jacket all the time,works in a Candy store at Manhattan, dreams of owning a BMW.
From: mgb on Wed May 24 2:50:17 2006.

NOV wrote:

Bhangra:
In India - A vigorous Punjabi festival dance.
Outside India - A dance you do, when you don't know how to dance.
From: sgokulprathap on Wed May 24 3:39:03 2006.

mgb wrote:

NOV wrote:

Bhangra:
In India - A vigorous Punjabi festival dance.
Outside India - A dance you do, when you don't know how to dance.

Seems Nov is taking the job of Hulk here.

From: rami on Wed May 24 3:40:41 2006.

NOV wrote:

A Green Card holder bachelor:
In India - the guy can't speak Tamil, parents of good looking girls are dying to hook him, wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there.
Outside India - the guy can't speak proper English, wears jacket all the time,works in a Candy store at Manhattan, dreams of owning a BMW.

From: nms on Wed May 24 3:47:13 2006.

Smart Sardarji:
A Sardarji and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The Sardarji, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the Sardarji's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Sardarji doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "your turn".

He asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the Sardarji and hands him $500.

The Sardarji thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardarji and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Sardarji reaches into his purse,hands the american $5,and goes back to sleep.
From: nms on Wed May 24 4:30:09 2006.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
From: nms on Wed May 24 4:33:04 2006.

Why doesn't Pakistan have a football team?
Every time it's a corner they build a shop.

Why do Romans always build their roads straight?
So Paki's can't build cornershops
From: sgokulprathap on Wed May 24 4:38:33 2006.

nms wrote:

Without a word, the Sardarji reaches into his purse,hands the american $5,and goes back to sleep.

Wow, happen to c a clever Sardar after a long time.
From: nms on Wed May 24 4:39:11 2006.

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
From: nms on Wed May 24 4:51:42 2006.

Two Sardarjis, both student of I.I.T, Kanpur, were talking about the American Astronauts.

One said to the other, "What's the big deal about going to the moon-anybody can go to the moon. We are sardars we will go direct to the sun."

"But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we'll melt."

And the first answered, "So what, we'll go at night."
From: nms on Wed May 24 5:08:21 2006.

The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper.

'How much does it cost to have an obituary printed'? asked miser Santa Singh.

'It's 50 Rupees a word, sir,' the clerk replied politely.

'Fine,' said Santa Singh after a moment. 'Okay then, write this down: 'Banta - dead'.'

'That's all?' asked the clerk disbelievingly.

'That's it.'

'I'm sorry sir, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum.'

'Yes, you should've,' snapped the Santa. Now let me think a minute... okay, here goes: Banta dead. Maruti for Sale.'
From: nms on Wed May 24 5:12:30 2006.

Santa Singh had been a sick man and was in the hospital, near death. The family called in Banta Singh, his best friend to stand with him.

As Banta stood next to the bed, Santa's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Banta lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Santa used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.

Banta thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Santa had died. He said, 'You know, Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing him, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.'

He opened the note, and read, 'Please step to your left - you're standing on my oxygen tube!'
From: nms on Wed May 24 5:14:30 2006.

NEWLY READ:

A man died and went to into the skies. Yamraj met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, 'Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you - we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?'

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, 'Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of goons. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the gang. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!'

'I'm impressed,' Yamraj responded, 'When did this happen?'

'About two minutes ago,' came the reply.
From: sgokulprathap on Wed May 24 5:16:18 2006.

Sardar speaking to Jet Airways Receptionist over phone....

Sardar: How much time wil it take to travel from Mumbai to Delhi?

Receptionist(looking for details): Just a second sir.

Sardar: Thank U.
Hangs up the phone.
From: nms on Wed May 24 5:17:22 2006.

Idhuvum Pudhusu

Santa and Banta Singh rob a bank and mess it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, 'What did you find in your sack?'

'Ten lakh Rupees!'

'Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?'

'I bought a house. How about your sack?'

'Bah... it was full of bills.'

'And what did you do with them?'

'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'
From: rami on Wed May 24 5:37:34 2006.

Two teenage boys turned up at church and the first went in for confession. He told the priest he'd done an evil thing with a girl the night before.

"Who was the girl involved?" asked the priest.

"I don't know, it was dark," replied the boy.

"Was it Bernadette McLafferty?"

The boy said he still didn't know.

"Was it Theresa O'Hare.........or Rosemary McGinty?" asked the priest.

"I don't know, it was too dark," insisted the boy.

"Could it have been Anne-Marie, the baker's daughter?" asked the priest.

The boy continued to deny any knowledge of the girl's identity.

Finally, the exasperated priest sent the boy away and told him to return when he could reveal the girl's name.

Outside his friend was waiting anxiously.

"Did you get to know the girl" he asked.

"Naw," said his pal, "but I got four good leads for this Saturday night!"
From: sgokulprathap on Wed May 24 5:44:19 2006.
From: nms on Wed May 24 6:01:28 2006.

Santa Singh walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs him that he's too drunk and he could not serve him anything.

Santa is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the Santa Singh stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and asks him to leave.

Santa looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and if he doesn't leave he would call the police!

Santa looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries 'MAN! How many bars do you work at?'
From: nms on Wed May 24 6:08:41 2006.

A man, his wife, and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop. Not long after, a blind man joins the group.

The bus arrives. The blind man and the husband are forced to walk because there's just no more room on the bus.

As they walk together, the tapping of the blind man's cane starts to irritate the other man. Finally, the man says, 'You know, that's pretty irritating. Why don't you put a rubber on the end of that stick?'

The blind man retorts: 'If you'd put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be on that bus.'
From: nms on Wed May 24 6:11:26 2006.

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet, Dr Santa Singh, who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

'Are you sure?', the distraught woman asked. 'He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?'

Dr Santa Singh paused for a moment and said, 'There is one more thing we can do.' He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

'Well, that confirms it.' the vet announced. 'Your dog is dead.'

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, 'How much do I owe you?'

'That will be Rs.1100.' the vet replied.

'I don't believe it!!!', screamed the woman. 'What did you do that cost Rs.1100?

'Well', Dr Santa Singh replied, 'it's Rs.100 for the office visit and Rs.1000 for the cat-scan.'
From: nms on Wed May 24 6:14:59 2006.

Santa Singh, Banta Singh, and Ghanta Singh escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the Santa, 'Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!'

Santa jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away... Santa slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

'C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Banta. 'Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!' says Banta. 'No! We like you! Just jump!'

'OK' says Santa and jumps.

SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and he's flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, Ghanta steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell 'Jump! You have to jump!'

'No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!' yelled Ghanta.

'No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!'

'Look,' Ghanta Singh says, 'nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...'
From: nms on Wed May 24 6:16:41 2006.

Gullu Bhai was sitting on his porch, when this man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

'What can I do for you?' Gullu politely asked. 'Are you selling something?'

'No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker.'

'A what?'

'A Census Taker. We're trying to find out how many people there are in India.'

'You're wasting your time here. I have no idea.'
From: sgokulprathap on Wed May 24 6:24:57 2006.

nms

But, alavukku minjina amudhamum nanju. Konjam gap vittu appurama matha jokes post pannunga.
From: nms on Wed May 24 6:26:31 2006.

Ghanta Singh was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a telephone call. Ghanta had just bought another large beer and he didn't want anyone to drink it. So, he wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that said: 'I spit in my beer.'

When Ghanta Singh returned to the his bar stool there was another note beside his beer:

'I spit in your beer too!
From: nms on Wed May 24 6:35:15 2006.

sgokulprathap wrote:

nms

But, alavukku minjina amudhamum nanju. Konjam gap vittu appurama matha jokes post pannunga.

charinga..Gokul..
oru website kidaichadhu...
post panna vidamateengalae..
From: ramky on Wed May 24 8:23:34 2006.

.
A six-Year old Daughter to her Mother: Mom what is Sex ?

Mother : (Confused) Why ?

Daughter : Tell me mom.

Her mother explained every thing about sex to her daughter and then she asked Why?

Daughter : How could I Write all these things in a small box in the application form?
From: c4ramesh on Wed May 24 13:31:26 2006.

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?"

What dear?" She asks gently. "

I think you bring me bad luck."
From: c4ramesh on Wed May 24 13:34:19 2006.

The absolute worst things to say to a police officer:

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No donut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take or what?

Gee, officer, that's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around -- that's how far ahead of me they are.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
From: c4ramesh on Wed May 24 13:38:38 2006.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Hello, Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must work in management." "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
From: c4ramesh on Wed May 24 13:40:31 2006.

Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school, and he visited a 4th grade class during a discussion of words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy." So, our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stood up and offered, "My best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street, and a car came along and ran over him. That would be a tragedy." "No," said Clinton, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone in the bus, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," said the President. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room grew silent. No other children would volunteer an answer. President Clinton searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can Give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, in the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Clinton, were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," said Clinton. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," said the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
From: c4ramesh on Wed May 24 13:42:10 2006.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'...know how to make them truly happy....

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?
From: c4ramesh on Wed May 24 13:43:55 2006.

A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

Ten minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

One hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
From: c4ramesh on Wed May 24 13:46:47 2006.

Rules that guys wished girls knew............

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us...

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down...

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever...

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear...

6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it...

7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks...

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat...

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period...

10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be...

11. Shopping is not sport...

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really...

13. You have enough clothes...

14. You have too many shoes...

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it...

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too...

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work...

18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar...

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes...

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers...

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor...

23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend...

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners...

25. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials...

26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do...

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived...

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together...

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument...All comments become null and void after 7 days...

30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys...

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one...

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we...

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both...

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their b**bs stared at...
From: c4ramesh on Wed May 24 13:53:29 2006.

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York. One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American got on and took the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer."

"No problem," said the American, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the American obligingly went to get it and while he was gone, the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He looked at the two Arabs and asked, "Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"
From: c4ramesh on Wed May 24 14:01:34 2006.

A police officer, though scheduled for all night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept Into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
From: Braandan on Wed May 24 18:32:09 2006.

A doctor started an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount on money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out her pregnancy and have the baby over there.

"But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.

"Well, he said, "after you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back."

Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.

Six months went by. Then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office. "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today," she explained. "I don't understand what it means!"

"Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card which read:

"SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!!!"
From: ramky on Wed May 24 22:10:15 2006.

.
JUST TEN YEARS AGO :

Before the computer age,

An APPLICATION was for employment.

A PROGRAM was a television show.

WINDOWS were something you hated to clean.

A KEYBOARD was a piano.

MEMORY was something you lost with age.

A CD was a bank account.

COMPRESS was something you did to garbage.

LOG ON was adding wood to a fire.

A HARD DRIVE was a long trip on the road.

A MOUSE PAD was where a mouse lived.

CUT you did with scissors.

PASTE you did with glue.

A WEB was a spider's home.

And a VIRUS was a flu !!
From: nms on Thu May 25 0:20:59 2006.

Ramky
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 25 2:26:04 2006.

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend.
Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.
His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 25 2:31:26 2006.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 25 2:34:48 2006.

Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"
From: ramky on Thu May 25 11:14:11 2006.

nms wrote:

Ramky

Yes Mickey ?
From: great on Thu May 25 11:58:36 2006.

Sardarji Kidnapping a Child

A Sardar Ji was Living hand to Mouth.

In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

Sardarji then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid.

Tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the mango tree on the north side of the city playground".

Signed: "A Sardarji".

Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree. The boy was sitting next to the bag. Sardarji opened up the bag and found the Rs.2,00,000 in cash with a note saying:

"How can a sardarji do this to a fellow Sardarji? Take the money, and Please leave my son."

Signed: Another Sardarji
From: ramky on Thu May 25 12:36:43 2006.
From: ramky on Thu May 25 13:45:52 2006.

.
George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

From: c4ramesh on Thu May 25 13:48:30 2006.

ramky wrote:

.
George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

already posted in 2005 version

From: ramky on Thu May 25 14:01:45 2006.

c4ramesh wrote:

already posted in 2005 version

ok but how can a newcomer like me know that ?
From: ramky on Thu May 25 14:02:28 2006.

.
A GOOGLE Failure or a USA Faliure ?!

1. Go to www.google.com
2. Type "failure" (without double quotes) in the search text box.
3. Press "I'm Feeling Lucky" button just next to "Google Search" button.
4. See what happens. Find it out yourself and laugh a lot.
( Dont worry, its not going to harm your computer ).
5. Share it with your friends and relatives before GOOGLE fixes this bug.
6. Enjoy. .
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 25 14:04:46 2006.

ramky wrote:

c4ramesh wrote:

already posted in 2005 version

ok but how can a newcomer like me know that ?

ok, mate... any way its still worth a

From: c4ramesh on Thu May 25 14:07:10 2006.

ramky wrote:

.
A GOOGLE Failure or a USA Faliure ?!

1. Go to www.google.com
2. Type "failure" (without double quotes) in the search text box.
3. Press "I'm Feeling Lucky" button just next to "Google Search" button.
4. See what happens. Find it out yourself and laugh a lot.
( Dont worry, its not going to harm your computer ).
5. Share it with your friends and relatives before GOOGLE fixes this bug.
6. Enjoy. .

this too was already posted a long time back by surya, I think

but the point is google havn't still fixed the bug! I think it isn't a bug after all

From: ramky on Thu May 25 22:00:52 2006.

.
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

8. One to viciously smear #7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
From: Badri on Thu May 25 23:18:03 2006.

@ ramky for the light bulb one! Too good!
From: ramky on Fri May 26 1:07:39 2006.

sbadri99 wrote:

@ ramky for the light bulb one! Too good!
thnx i thot sumone would say this joke also repeated. anyway, george bush will continue to keep us all in good humour !
From: ramky on Fri May 26 1:10:08 2006.

c4ramesh wrote:

.... but the point is google havn't still fixed the bug! I think it isn't a bug after all

no i dont think its a bug - someone @ google knows the truth and also wants the world to kno !
From: mgb on Fri May 26 5:51:47 2006.

There were two donkeys A & B - best of buddies.
At the village fair:

A is sold to a rich Arab while B is sold to a rich businessman. The Arab treats A like his child takes good care of him etc. etc. While the businessman ill treats B, does not feed him well and makes him work hard.
After an year A & B meet and have a chat.

A is very sad about B and says that "My Arab can buy you from your business man and you can have a good life too" B says, "No, I have hope here".
A: "What Hope?"
B: The businessman has a beautiful daughter, and when she misbehaves, the businessman tells her - "If you continue misbehaving I will marry you off to this donkey!"

Hope Drives the World!
From: Fire111999 on Fri May 26 6:02:44 2006.

including yourself?
From: mgb on Fri May 26 6:23:45 2006.

Fire111999 wrote:

including yourself?

ofcourse..
From: Fire111999 on Fri May 26 6:53:44 2006.

well, all the best!

Some practical jokes
Smaller or larger tuxedo

A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom's tuxedo.

After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the groom's. Explain to the tux shop what you're up to. Pick up the groom's fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed.

The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don't reveal that you know anything as long as possible.

Write on the bottom of shoes

Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote "Help" on the bottom of the groom's left shoe and "Me" on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets.

Besides "Help Me", other possible message to write on the soles are (with varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (I'm With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, I'm Doomed!)

Cheap plastic rings

A groom buys the engagement ring at a jewelry store. As the groom enters the room, we "have been talking about" the news that says the jewelry store he just went to is being investigated for selling plastic diamonds to unknowledgeable customers. This didn't work too well but maybe if you have better actors in your group it would.

I'll just call my lawyer about this

Another on that I have seen pulled is to have someone speak out at the time the minister asks, "If anyone has good reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace."

They had a pregnant lady stand up and say, "Oh, never mind! I'll just call my lawyer!" It rattled the groom's mother so much that she fainted.

A secret pregnant lover

At the rehearsal dinner for my boss' daughter and son-in-law-to-be, a loud eight-months pregnant teenage girl suddenly appeared at the back of the room screaming ten minutes worth of curses that would befall the groom if he didn't marry the pregnant girl like he promised. It was set up by the boss' wife, and I am told that the groom very nearly burst into tears protesting his innocence.

One way ticket across the country

A groom's friends decided to throw his bachelor party the day before the wedding, and as often happens on these occasions, by the end of the evening, everyone was completely drunk, and none moreso than the guest of honor, who promptly passed out in a corner of the room.

When he woke up, he found himself sitting in an airline seat with no wallet or money or anything on him except a one way ticket to San Francisco. He was worried sick until he finally arrived at San Francisco from New Jersey, where he found a ticket at the courtesy counter back to New Jersey. It seems that one of his prospective in-laws worked for an airline and had some comp airfare to use.

The groom got back to New Jersey barely four hours before the ceremony, and was barely able to stay awake long enough to say "I do".

Return your keys

Before a friend's wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the guests, "Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably a good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to please turn it in now." Then the pre-selected girls (about thirty of them) slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and flirted a bit; some of the girls would turn in not just one key, but six or seven of them. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the cheek. It's probably not original, but it worked pretty well.

Variation of return your keys

Another twist to this would be to distribute fifteen blank keys to male friends of the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then, during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the fifteen pre-selected men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same announcement for the groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would both walk up with their key.

Do you already have a child?

During the wedding ceremony, when the minister/preacher/priest comes to the part about, "If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry, speak up now or forever hold your peace..." have this four-to-six year old boy running up the aisle yelling, "Daddy, daddy." I understand from a friend who played this joke on a relative that it took almost an hour to get the wedding started again.

Cigarette problems

At my cousin's wedding, my dad (who doesn't much care for his nephew's bride) thought it would be funny to flick his cigarette at her back as she walked down the aisle. It got caught in her hair and started to smolder. Her father had to get it out while she cried hysterically. Then he punched my Uncle Raymond, whom he thought had tossed it, right square in the forehead and ended up breaking his own hand. Good wedding.

Balloons

Obtain access to their getaway car. Fill with balloons. A few extra helium balloons in the trunk with their luggage is a nice touch.

Add some peanuts

If you can get access to their luggage after they have packed, add styrofoam peanuts in whatever nooks and crannies are left.

Impossible to drive away

Jack up the car, put blocks under the axle, then lower the car onto the blocks. When the newlyweds try to make their getaway, watch them rev...and rev...and rev.

Brake wired to the horn

The best man at my friends wedding rigged the horn to sound every time the brake was pressed, they drove half way down the road until they realized what was going on and had to return to fix it.

I deserve to be married

For a small fee, you can get an agency to have a pregnant "ex-girlfriend" appear at the service, in a wedding gown, claiming the groom-to-be the father of her child and demanding *she* should be the one to be married. The one I saw even had a bunch of dead flowers with her!

Who has the ring?

When the groom asks the best man for the ring, he turns and nervously says he doesn't have it, who then turns to the next groomsman and asks the same question, and so on until the last person turns and grabs a giant box of Cracker Jacks that contained the wedding ring.

The whole church was rolling as the best man and his co-horts had the last laugh. It was truely classic.

Laughing gas in balloons

At a friend's wedding, the bridal party filled their car with balloons--all filled with laughing gas. They put them everywhere, under seats, in the glove box, etc. They popped the balloons, and everyone was relaxed and laughing. But balloons were popping all during the trip of their honeymoon. They said they enjoyed the trick.
From: ramky on Fri May 26 12:11:44 2006.

.
Bush Solves a Puzzle

George Bush's closest advisors came to visit him at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago.

When asked why he was off the wagon, Bush replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle.

They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment.

"Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time."

When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months.

Again, they told him that wasn't that great.

"Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 26 12:25:39 2006.

LOL
From: Lambretta on Fri May 26 13:38:24 2006.

Hey thee,
More than ur jokes, its ur current pic. tat I cudnt help at!
Watever hap'd to u??!
Kidding!
From: Fire111999 on Fri May 26 13:47:30 2006.

huh? it's a painted hand elephant... what's there to be shocked? or to laugh at?
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 26 13:55:52 2006.

Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."

So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"

St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."

Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"

St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery."

Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"

St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan."
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 26 13:58:04 2006.

Bill Clinton is walking a dog around the White House lawn early one morning.

He walks it past the guard's post, and the marine says "Mr. President, is that a new dog?"

Clinton smiles, and replies, "Why yes, I got it for my wife."

The marine looks at the the dog, looks up with a smile and says, "Excellent trade."
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 26 14:08:41 2006.

George W. Bush's Resume

George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
Washington, D.C. 20500

Past Work Experience

* Ran for congress and lost.
* Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
* Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
* Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
* With father's help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.

Accomplishments in Previous Positions

*

Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
*

Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
*

Set record for most executions by any governor in American history.
*

Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my father's appointments to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments As President

* Attacked and took over two countries.
* Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
* Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
* Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
* Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
* First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
* First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
* First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
* After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
* Set the record for most campaign fundraising trips than any other president in U.S. history.
* In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
* Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in U.S. history.
* Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
* Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.
* Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.
* Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in U.S. history.
* Presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
* Presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
* Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
* Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
* Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
* My presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.
* Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history (the 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleezza Rice, has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).
* First president in U.S. history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
* Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
* First president in U.S. history to order a U.S. attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.
* Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
* Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in U.S. history.
* First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the human rights commission.
* First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board.
* Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history.
* Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
* Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
* Refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
* First president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. elections).
* All-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
* My biggest lifetime campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
* Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
* First president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
* First president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
* First U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
* Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).
* With a policy of 'disengagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
* Fist U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
* First U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
* Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
* Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
* Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive.'
* Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.
* In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
* Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
* In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the U.S. has ever been since the Civil War.
* Entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.

Records and References

* At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available)
* AWOL from National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.
* Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
* All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
* All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
* All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
* Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
* For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (they can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 26 14:12:48 2006.

Iraq vs. Vietnam
Q. What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?

A. George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 26 14:15:33 2006.

George W. Bush Anagrams

He grew bogus
Bush ego grew
Where bugs go
Whose bugger?
"W": he bugs Gore
e.g. bug whores?
Ugh! Sewer bog!
Bugger, who's 'e?
Ogre hugs web

Other related anagrams

President George "Dubya" Bush:

Ego upset by greed and hubris

USA President George Bush:

Ass...one stupid bugger here!
Huge, depressing saboteur

The Republican Party:

Try neat, happier club
Buy that pearl, Prince!
Entire rat club happy!
Aren't public therapy

Republicans / Democrats:

Superb morals? Accident!
Cured satanic problems
Products enable racism
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 26 14:18:34 2006.

The Bushes and Clintons on a Train

George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hillary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hillary buy just one ticket. "How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing. "Watch and learn," answers Hillary.

They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hillary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand... The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip.

When they get to the station, they see the Clinton's at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all. "Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hillary. "Live and learn," answers Laura Bush.

When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clintons cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost that election.
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 26 14:22:48 2006.

Election Tie-Breaker

On Election Night 2004, the returns showed Kerry 50%, Bush 50%. To avoid another Supreme Court case, it was decided that there should be an ice-fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win.

After a lot of back-and-forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.

At the end of the first day, Kerry returns to the starting line with 10 fish. Soon, W. returns and has zero fish. Everyone assumes he is just having a bad day or something and, hopefully, he will catch up the next day.

At the end of the second day, Kerry comes in with 20 fish and W. comes in again with none.

That evening, Dick Cheney gets together secretly with W. and says, "I think Kerry is a lowlife, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way."

The next night (after Kerry comes back with 50 fish), Cheney says to Bush, "Well, what about it, is Kerry cheatin'?"

"He sure is, he's cutting holes in the ice."
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 26 14:25:26 2006.

Bush, Einstein and Picasso at the Pearly Gates

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can
you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove
yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
From: Lambretta on Fri May 26 14:25:40 2006.

*dig
Fire111999 wrote:

huh? it's a painted hand elephant... what's there to be shocked? or to laugh at?

Um.....did u read the word "kidding" in my post?
Neways, tats a hand-painted one??! Wow, amazing, looks like a real photo!
Neways, 'hope ur doing fine...!
/dig
From: Lambretta on Fri May 26 14:27:30 2006.

c4ramesh wrote:

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

Good one!
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 26 14:27:41 2006.

Cheney and the Bushes on a Plane

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 26 14:30:24 2006.

Bush and Saddam

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices 3 buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about 5 minutes, Saddam presses the first button.

A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the 2 countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much else but say "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

Two weeks pass and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. Asthe 2 men sit down, Hussein notices 3 buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the American's revenge.

They begin talking and Saddam is uncooperative, Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers.

A few seconds later, as Hussein continues his belligerence, Bush presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.

As things progress, then the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Bush then says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 26 14:33:48 2006.

Bush v. Gore

In 2000, the two major party presidential candidates agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.

However, they disagreed on the details...

The Republican candidate, George W Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.
In other words, Bush says there is too much gore, and Gore says there is too much bush.
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 26 14:35:38 2006.

Bush's Brain Scan

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."

Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"

The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."
From: Fire111999 on Fri May 26 15:00:51 2006.

Lambretta wrote:

*dig
Fire111999 wrote:

huh? it's a painted hand elephant... what's there to be shocked? or to laugh at?

Um.....did u read the word "kidding" in my post?
not upset. just confused.

Quote:

Neways, tats a hand-painted one??! Wow, amazing, looks like a real photo!

that's the point! cute, right?

Quote:

Neways, 'hope ur doing fine...!
/dig

yup, thanks.
From: Fire111999 on Fri May 26 15:04:13 2006.

a joke to make up for the digression:

Subjects for a date
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

From: ramky on Fri May 26 17:53:48 2006.

c4ramesh wrote:

Bill Clinton is walking a dog around the White House lawn early one morning.

He walks it past the guard's post, and the marine says "Mr. President, is that a new dog?"

Clinton smiles, and replies, "Why yes, I got it for my wife."

The marine looks at the the dog, looks up with a smile and says, "Excellent trade."

From: ramky on Fri May 26 17:58:01 2006.

c4ramesh wrote:

Bush and Saddam

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices 3 buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about 5 minutes, Saddam presses the first button.

A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the 2 countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much else but say "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

Two weeks pass and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. Asthe 2 men sit down, Hussein notices 3 buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the American's revenge.

They begin talking and Saddam is uncooperative, Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers.

A few seconds later, as Hussein continues his belligerence, Bush presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.

As things progress, then the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Bush then says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

From: ramky on Fri May 26 17:59:25 2006.

c4ramesh wrote:

Bush v. Gore

In 2000, the two major party presidential candidates agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.

However, they disagreed on the details...

The Republican candidate, George W Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.
In other words, Bush says there is too much gore, and Gore says there is too much bush.

From: ramky on Fri May 26 18:05:40 2006.

.
Santa Singh and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight
from New York to New Delhi.

The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game.
Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and
a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me fifty rupees, and vice versa."

Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer,
now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay
me Rs. 50, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you Rs. 5000."

This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end
to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a
Rs. 50 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches
all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with
his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress
... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends
and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes Santa and hands him Rs. 5000.
Santa thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa
and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer
Rs. 50, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought all Sardars were dumb ?!
From: ramky on Fri May 26 18:13:47 2006.

.
These are actual Leave Applications & Letters submitted/written by employees of some Indian companies/Govt departments ( smileys & emphasis added by me )

* Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife , please sanction me one-week leave."

* This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the tonsure ceremony ( `mottai adikkarathu' ) of his 10 year old son:
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

* From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it , please grant me 10 days leave."

* Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return , please grant me half day casual leave"

* An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

* A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

* Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

* Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

* Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

* Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

* Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

* A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience , I am applying for the post.
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 0:27:17 2006.

Vaada Machan - Run

Nadu Rathiriyil enthiruchi office pona, HCLnu therinjuko

Vidiye kalaiyil veetuku vanthal, CTSnu therinjuko

Vaaram orukka veetukku vanthal, Infosysnnu therinjukko

Ambathu mailuku oru reply adicha, Accenturenu therinjuko

Velai kidachum vettiya ukkantha, Mascon'nu therinjuko

Daily thanni adichu velaiku pona, Hexawarenu therinjuko

Innamum solren therinjiko

Decode panni purinjiko

Vaada machchan Programmer aaite
tan-ta tan-taen

Paithiyam pudichi munnuku vanthutte
tan-ta tan-taen

Vella illanaa kavala vendaam, TCS irukkuthu therinjuko Oh yea

VP panna love panna neraya, Poi sollanum therinjuko Oh yea

Career illadha cycledhanda, Corporate Worldnu therinjuko

Deadline kooda Mega serial pola, Ezhuluthu adikanum therinjiko

Innummum solren therunjuko

Code eluthi purinjuko

Vaada machchan Programmer aaite

Paithiyam pudichi inge vanthutte

Immsai immsaiyo mo, Oh yae!

Immsai immsaiyo mo, Oh yae!

Immsai immsai, immsai immsai, Don't go!

PL vandhu sirichu pesunaa, Vela varudhunu therinjiko

Cauvery poala hike thara maruththa, Wipro technu therunjuko

Dharalamaa Salary koduthaal, Verizonnu therunjuko

HR dept'la irundhu call vandhaal, Confirm aagitaaruu therinjiko

Innummum solrean therunjuko

Treat kodduththu therunjukoa

Vaadaa machchan Programmer aagite

Kirukku pudichu inge vandhute!
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 2:33:53 2006.

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 2:40:10 2006.

Praying And Sleeping

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.

The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.

St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.

St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O�Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.

Father O�Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?

St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O�Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 2:43:10 2006.

Educating Parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 2:48:48 2006.

Elderly Proposal

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 2:51:20 2006.

Forgiving Your Enemies

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

"I outlived the bitches."
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 2:57:53 2006.

Olympic Wrestlers

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.

"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 3:02:50 2006.

A Few Days Off

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" asked the second worker.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The second worker was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 3:06:43 2006.

Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly
got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,
"To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 3:21:14 2006.

Peeing With God's Help

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!)the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said," George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
From: rachel on Sat May 27 5:32:11 2006.
From: Lambretta on Sat May 27 6:34:49 2006.

c4ramesh wrote:

...........Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Ada Paavi!!!
From: ramky on Sat May 27 6:38:00 2006.

Puzzled President

Cheney gets a call from his boss, George Bush.
"I've got a problem," says Bush.
"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.
"Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney.
"A big rooster," replies Bush.
"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. Bush points at the jigsaw on his desk.
Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to George Bush and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 6:55:20 2006.
From: ramky on Sat May 27 7:27:37 2006.

Application Form for Indian Politicians

Application Form To Be Filled For Contesting Indian Elections

1. Name of Candidate : _______________________

2. Present Address
(i) Name of Jail : _______________________
(ii) Cell Number : _______________________

3. Political Party : _______________________
( List ONLY the Last Five parties in the Chronological Order )

4. Sex: [ ]
A - Male
B - Female
C - Any other

5. Nationality: [ ]
A - Italian
B - Bihar
C - Karnataka
D - Maharashtra
E - Uttar Pradesh
and so on .....

6. Reasons for leaving last party ( circle one or more )
A - Defected
B - Expelled
C - Bought out
D - None of above
E - All of above

7. Reasons for contesting elections ( circle one or more )
A - To make money
B - To escape court trial
C - To grossly misuse power
D - To serve the public
E - I have no clue
( if you choose D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a Recognized
Government Psychiatrist )

8. How many years of public service experience do you possess?
A - 1-2 yrs
B - 2-6yrs
C - 6-15yrs
D - 15+yrs

9. Give details of any criminal cases pending against you ( Use as
many additional Sheets as you want )

10. How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ]
( Do not confuse with the question number )
A - 1-2 years
B - 2-6 years
C - 6-15 years
D - 15+years

11. Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ]
A - Why not
B - Of Course
C - Definitely
D - I deny it all
E - I see a foreign hand.
F - Ask my lawyer

12. What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ]
A - 100-500 Crores
B - 500-1000 Crores
C - Overflow...
( Convert all your $ earnings from Hawala etc to Rupees )

13. Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind? [ ]
A - No
B - No
C - No
D - No
E - What for ?

14. Describe your achievements in the space provided: [___]

Thumb Impression of candidate
( Not that of the person who filled the form )
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 7:39:18 2006.

that was a good one
From: Fire111999 on Sat May 27 7:45:26 2006.

7. Reasons for contesting elections ( circle one or more )
A - To make money
B - To escape court trial
C - To grossly misuse power
D - To serve the public *
E - I have no clue
( if you choose D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a Recognized
Government Psychiatrist )

* public = myself, my family, my friends, and all my relatives
(this should be obvious, but it's just as well to make everything clear)
From: Alan on Sat May 27 8:32:50 2006.

Great ones, ramesh sir! LOL!!!!
From: great on Sat May 27 9:38:52 2006.

rachel wrote:

Good Joke
From: hi on Sat May 27 10:32:59 2006.

CUSTOMER CARE IN 2020

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Hello, can I order..."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on......6102049998-45-54610 "
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr John and you're calling from 17 Embassy Square. Your home number is 40942366,
your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records,
U you have high blood Pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the
National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then,
how much will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash,Sir. Your credit card is over the limit
and you owe your bank $3, 720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges
on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives "
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: " Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: "What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic... "
Customer : " #$$^%&$@$% ^"
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using
abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: [Faints]
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 12:15:39 2006.

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 12:25:46 2006.

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 12:28:55 2006.

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 12:32:59 2006.

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 12:43:18 2006.

Dear Tech Support:

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn't work on this program.

Can you please help!
Joe.

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but have
ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.

When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ IAPOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

Best of luck!
Tech Support
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 12:45:38 2006.

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 12:47:07 2006.

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT - that's awesome!" exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?"

"Certainly, sir, "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents," replies the bartender.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy... "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies... "Same as I'm doing to his business!"
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 12:48:50 2006.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 12:51:29 2006.

He Said...She Said:

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said...No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 12:55:13 2006.

Secret tips for making a marriage last...

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good
food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down !"
So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 13:00:06 2006.

An old Jewish couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife, "Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

She hesitated a while and said, "Yes, 3 times."
"Three times!? how did it happen?" he asks.

"Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?"
"Yes, that was really a terrible time."

"Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and the next day he extended our loan?
"It is hard to believe," he said, "but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you."

She continued, "And do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?"
"Of course I remember."

"Well, then you also remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?"
"Yes," he said, "that shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you.

But tell me, what was the third time?"

She responded, "Do you remember when you ran for Temple president...
and needed 23 more votes?"
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 13:02:10 2006.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 13:03:33 2006.

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?!"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 13:11:24 2006.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . . "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then, finally, she says. . . . . . . "You."
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 13:16:56 2006.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation -
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 13:18:18 2006.

A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.

A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 13:21:46 2006.

There was a couple involved in a very bad car accident. The wife's face was badly burned. The doctors said they could take the burnt skin and replace it with extra skin.

The woman's husband gladly allowed the doctors to use some skin from his behind.

The woman healed beautifully and ask her husband if there was anything she could do for him for being so nice to donate his skin.

And the husband replied, "no need...I get all the satisfaction I could ever want each time your mother kisses you on the cheek!"
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 13:28:28 2006.

The top 10 things men know about women are:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
(I think you get it where we're going with this.)
6.
7.
(Hey Guys..."check out #8...a new one!)
8.
9.
10.
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 13:40:13 2006.

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you...
What the hell did you think I said?
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 13:48:07 2006.

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 27 13:52:06 2006.

DEFINING SOCIETIES VIA THE OWNERSHIP OF 2 COWS

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like . . . these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
From: Lambretta on Sat May 27 14:10:36 2006.

Good one, Ramesh.....read this joke smwher b4....except tat it was based on cars instead of cows!
From: ramky on Sat May 27 14:23:56 2006.

A similar post using the Cow analogy posted by me on "Politics For Beginners" can be read HERE at the 2005 version.
From: great on Sun May 28 1:20:52 2006.

Manmohan Singh to Bush - We are sending Indians to the moon next year.
Bush - Wow! How Many?
Manmohan Singh - Total 100.
25 - OBC
25 - SC
20 - ST
5 - Handicapped
5 - Sports Persons
5 - Terrorism Affected
5 - Kashmiri Migrants
9 - Politicians
and if possible
1 - Astronnaut..............!!!!!
From: Lambretta on Sun May 28 1:36:11 2006.

great wrote:

9 - Politicians

Evangle matrum angeku thallidlam (excpet our Prez.!)
From: c4ramesh on Sun May 28 8:10:03 2006.

A Flaming Story

A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire.
After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally.
The man sued.
The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay.
After the man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested ..... for arson.
From: c4ramesh on Sun May 28 8:14:25 2006.

slow down!

Click here to see included image.
From: c4ramesh on Sun May 28 8:16:43 2006.

world cup heros or ???

Click here to see included image.
From: c4ramesh on Sun May 28 8:19:43 2006.

one hopes that he knows to fly!

Click here to see included image.
From: c4ramesh on Sun May 28 8:21:48 2006.

symbol of Marriage

Click here to see included image.
From: c4ramesh on Sun May 28 8:25:56 2006.

Other means of payment:

Click here to see included image.
From: c4ramesh on Sun May 28 8:35:04 2006.

WAYS TO ANNOY OSAMA BIN LADEN

* Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
* Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
* Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
* Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
* Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
* Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
* Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
* Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
* Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
* Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
* Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
* Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Mohammed Rafi.
Mine his bathroom.
* Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
* Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.AmIhotOrNot.com
* Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.AmIhotOrNot.com
* Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
* Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to "kick his ass every day for eternity".
* Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden".
* Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
* Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
* At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
* Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
* Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
* Tell him that this is the worst pyjama party you've ever attended.
* Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
* Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
* Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
* Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
* Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
* Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
* Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
* Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
* Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
* They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on Friends.
* Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
* Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modelling.
* Ask him, "say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
* Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie". If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
* Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
* Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
* When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"
From: c4ramesh on Sun May 28 8:40:46 2006.

BUSHSPEAK - ACCIDENTAL WIT AND WISDOM

"It'll be hard to articulate." -George W. Bush, anticipating how he'll feel upon assuming the presidency, Jan. 2001

"I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine labor secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified." -George W. Bush, commenting on Linda Chavez, Jan. 2001

"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods." -George W. Bush, Dec. 20, 2000

"I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them." -George W. Bush, Dec. 20, 2000

"I also have picked a secretary for Housing and Human Development. Mel Martinez from the state of Florida." -George W. Bush, Dec. 20, 2000

"If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier - so long as I'm the dictator." -George W. Bush, Dec. 19, 2000

"Dick Cheney and I do not want this nation to be in a recession. We want anybody who can find work to be able to find work." -George W. Bush, 60 minutes II, CBS, December 5, 2000

"The great thing about America is everybody should vote." -George W. Bush

"As far as the legal hassling and wrangling and posturing in Florida, I would suggest you talk to our team in Florida led by Jim Baker." -George W. Bush

"The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law." -George W. Bush, Nov. 2000

"They misunderestimated me." -George W. Bush, Nov. 2000

"If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything!" -George W. Bush, Bellevue Community College, Nov. 2, 2000

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program." -George W. Bush

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." -George W. Bush
"If affirmative action means what I just described, what I'm for, then I'm for it." -George W. Bush, during the third presidential debate

"The idea of putting subliminable messages into ads is ridiculous." -George W. Bush

"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected." -George W. Bush

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." -George W. Bush

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." -George W. Bush

"Mr. Vice President, in all due respect, it is - I'm not sure 80 percent of the people get the death tax. I know this: 100 percent will get it if I'm the president." -George W. Bush, during the third presidential debate, Oct. 2000

"The woman who knew that I had dyslexia - I never interviewed her." -George W. Bush, responding to a magazine article claiming he suffered from dyslexia

"Laura and I are proud to call John and Michelle Engler our friends. I know you're proud to call him governor. What a good man the Englers are." -George W. Bush, Nov. 2000

"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas." -George W. Bush, Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000

"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." -George W. Bush, in a CNN online chat, Aug. 2000

"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.'' -George W. Bush

"I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read - I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do." -George W. Bush, on MSNBC's "Hardball"

"The fact that he relies on facts - says things that are not factual - are going to undermine his campaign." -George W. Bush on Al Gore

"I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating." -George W. Bush

"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." -George W. Bush, speaking during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, New Hampshire

"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have - he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." -George W. Bush, on Sen. John McCain

"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2000

"I don't want to win? If that were the case, why the heck am I on the bus sixteen hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still staying on message to win?" -George W. Bush, Jan. 2000

"If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." -George W. Bush

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." -George W. Bush

"Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" -George W. Bush

"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign." -George W. Bush

"Actually, I - this may sound a little West Texas to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about - when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." -George W. Bush

"I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California." -George W. Bush

"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." -George W. Bush, reflecting in 1994 about growing up in Midland, Texas
From: Alan on Sun May 28 9:08:34 2006.

lol@Osama stuff! LOL!
From: ramky on Sun May 28 12:12:45 2006.

.
George W. Bush's Intelligence Quiz

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate International Committee to the test. He summons the Senator to the White House and says, "Senator, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
The senator hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and the senator leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, the senator calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here, Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."
Much relieved, the senator rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"
From: Badri on Mon May 29 21:58:27 2006.

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
Australia, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a
few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to
build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days
and 40 nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in
his yard.... but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed.

I needed a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a Sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning
laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations.
We had to go to VCAT for a decision.
Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear
nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem.
There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood
to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal
rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it
was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
Conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have
to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets,
Claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me
to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to
destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
From: hi on Mon May 29 23:49:10 2006.

Let us enjoy some jokes about Kids
kids in school think quick

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
__________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.
From: Alan on Tue May 30 4:29:29 2006.

>The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom
>making
> >
> >love to a beautiful young woman...
> >
> >"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me - the
> >faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you, I want a
> >divorce!"
> >
> >The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
> >listen
> >
> >to what happened"
> >
> >"Fine, but it'll be the last words you say to me you unfaithful pig!"
> >
> >The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this
> >young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead
> >and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well
> >dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3
> >days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up
> >the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat
> >because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically
> >devours them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.
> >
> >While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
> >holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her
>
> >the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years that you can no
> >longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the
> >blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I
>don't have good taste.
> >I
> >
> >gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you
> >will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots
> >that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again
> >after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
> >
> >The husband continues his story . . . . .
> >
> >"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.
> >When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of
> >her eyes, she asks me:
> >
> >
> >"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?!!!"
> >
> >

From: ramky on Tue May 30 12:24:41 2006.

Alan wrote:

>The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom
>making
> >
> >love to a beautiful young woman...
> >
> >"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me - the
> >faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you, I want a
> >divorce!"
> >
> >The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
> >listen
> >
> >to what happened"
> >
> >"Fine, but it'll be the last words you say to me you unfaithful pig!"
> >
> >The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this
> >young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead
> >and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well
> >dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3
> >days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up
> >the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat
> >because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically
> >devours them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.
> >
> >While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
> >holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her
>
> >the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years that you can no
> >longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the
> >blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I
>don't have good taste.
> >I
> >
> >gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you
> >will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots
> >that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again
> >after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
> >
> >The husband continues his story . . . . .
> >
> >"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.
> >When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of
> >her eyes, she asks me:
> >
> >
> >"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?!!!"
> >
> >

but who is the joke on really - the wife or husband ?!

From: mgb on Tue May 30 14:09:04 2006.

u r Ultimate
u r Lovely
u r Likeable
u r Unique
In short... u r ULLU !!!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I am getting married next week.
There will be small party
and only a few people will be invited.
Don't bring any gifts.
just bring SOMEONE to marry me.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I wanted 2 kill the SWEETEST, SMARTEST
& the most beautiful person on the earth,
but then I thought.........
SUICIDE is a crime.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.

From: ramky on Tue May 30 21:53:18 2006.

mgb wrote:

u r Ultimate
u r Lovely
u r Likeable
u r Unique
In short... u r ULLU !!!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

mgb wrote:

I am getting married next week.
There will be small party
and only a few people will be invited.
Don't bring any gifts.
just bring SOMEONE to marry me.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

mgb wrote:

I wanted 2 kill the SWEETEST, SMARTEST
& the most beautiful person on the earth,
but then I thought.........
SUICIDE is a crime.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

mgb wrote:

Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.

From: ramky on Tue May 30 21:57:07 2006.

Sardarji da Honeymoon oye !

Newly weds Santa Singh and Jaspinder were on their honeymoon
trip and were driving down in their car to Chandigarh from their little town in Punjab.
They were nearing Chandigarh when Santa Singh put his hand on Jaspinder's knee.
Giggling, Jaspinder said shyly, 'Oye Santaji, you can go further than that if you want to...'

So Santa Singh took away his hand & drove on to Shimla !
From: Arthi on Wed May 31 0:05:27 2006.

Mgb: lol:
Nalla erundhadhu unga Joke
From: Badri on Wed May 31 0:59:20 2006.

Ever wondered who on earth framed those stupid policies in your company? Read on to find out how it all happened...

Management insight (This is based on an actual experiment conducted in U.K.):

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder; all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.

However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder. A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey. One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced.

Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

This is how any company's policies get established. He he!
From: Arthi on Wed May 31 1:15:39 2006.

Teacher: why are majority of south Indians are dark in color?
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Student: Because they watch Sun TV, Surya TV, Udaya TV,Gemini TV.
From: ramky on Wed May 31 3:05:41 2006.

arthi : ithu onga sontha kadiyO ? !
From: rami on Wed May 31 4:55:37 2006.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."

"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"
From: Fire111999 on Wed May 31 5:04:49 2006.

actually i don't understand the last joke... but i don't know if i want it explained!
From: sgokulprathap on Wed May 31 5:33:26 2006.

Fire111999 wrote:

actually i don't understand the last joke... but i don't know if i want it explained!

Konjam yosicha puriyum. It cant b explained further.
From: Fire111999 on Wed May 31 5:37:27 2006.

very helpful!

nvrmind. next joke pls!
From: rami on Wed May 31 5:53:10 2006.

sgokulprathap wrote:

Fire111999 wrote:

actually i don't understand the last joke... but i don't know if i want it explained!

Konjam yosicha puriyum. It cant b explained further.

S cant be xplained further...
From: Fire111999 on Wed May 31 6:05:19 2006.

everyone seems stuck on that joke! nvrmind. i shall tell the next joke myself.

A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?
From: Fire111999 on Wed May 31 6:11:09 2006.

Texan farmer travels
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
From: Fire111999 on Wed May 31 6:14:10 2006.

The accident report
Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.

In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.
From: Fire111999 on Wed May 31 6:18:43 2006.

Bosses versus workers
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
From: sgokulprathap on Wed May 31 6:32:11 2006.

Fire, this is not joke. This is fact. I experienced some of those (infact many of those) with my boss.
From: Fire111999 on Wed May 31 6:40:08 2006.

true, i guess!

Signs Technology Took Over Your Life
by Joe Mullich, AmericanWay Magazine, November 15, 1994

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than .

13. You back up your data every day.

14. You know more about the computer than about all of your friends.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better, the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

32. You don't even read magazine articles anymore, unless someone's keyed them into e-mail and forwarded it to you.

33. You print the itinerary of your vacation from a scheduler software.

34. You pack the laptop computer first for any trip.

35. While you're away from home, the first three numbers you call are your voicenet, a bulletin board, and one of your e-mail accounts.

36. You are reading this from a screen.
From: cancer on Wed May 31 7:24:46 2006.

One night a guy took his girlfriend home.
As they were about to bid each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.
With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" .
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?" .....................
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours.. ..

TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE CALLING BELL !
From: mgb on Wed May 31 7:58:49 2006.

cancer:

From: ramky on Wed May 31 9:13:31 2006.

Fire111999 wrote:

Bosses versus workers
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

ithuvellaam office-thathuvangal ! eg :

Rule 1 : The Boss is always right.

Rule 2. When in doubt, see Rule No. 1 !

From: ramky on Wed May 31 9:14:52 2006.

cancer wrote:

One night a guy took his girlfriend home.
As they were about to bid each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.
With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" .
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?" .....................
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours.. ..

TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE CALLING BELL !

From: ramky on Wed May 31 9:46:47 2006.

Santa Singh went to petrol bunk to fill his bike tank
there he saw a board says "Don't use cell phone here"

Immediately Santa Singh took uot his mobile and called all his friends and told them "Please don't call me now" !
From: Alan on Fri Jun 2 12:28:44 2006.

Reply to a matrimonial ad

madam:

I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in
Bangaloru. Having
seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to
press myself
on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Karnataka. I am nice and big,
six foot
tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness,
as because I
am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I
like cricket
and I am a good batter and I am fast baller. Whenever I come
running in
for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is
scared of my
rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone.
I am
jolly. I am gay.

Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am
always
giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to
get on
top. That is how nice I am.

I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am
not sucking
tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the
gym and I am
pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If
you want you
can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in
the gym.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is
always open for
you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself
only.
What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands
everyday. That is
why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my
house and
take my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be
loving you
very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb
belles in the
gym.

If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I
will press you
and press you until you come. So I am placing my head
between your
nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am
waiting
very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon,

Yours and only yours

XYZ

--

From: Lambretta on Fri Jun 2 12:43:35 2006.

ramky wrote:

Santa Singh went to petrol bunk to fill his bike tank
there he saw a board says "Don't use cell phone here"

Immediately Santa Singh took uot his mobile and called all his friends and told them "Please don't call me now" !

Ana oru doubt.......bunk le ethuku cell-e use panna vuda maatanga?

'didnt get tat one point.....

Paaji, changa hai...!

Tho it was already posted by NOV sum time ago....

From: mgb on Fri Jun 2 12:50:13 2006.

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.

Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really not that smart but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
From: Lambretta on Fri Jun 2 13:55:25 2006.

MGB,
I guess ur only saving grace is tat u've posted it in the jokes thread wher therz 'nothing official' abt saying such things!
From: mgb on Fri Jun 2 13:59:41 2006.

Lambretta wrote:

MGB,
I guess ur only saving grace is tat u've posted it in the jokes thread wher therz 'nothing official' abt saying such things!

but i expect some bashing from fire

From: Lambretta on Fri Jun 2 14:02:38 2006.

mgb wrote:

Lambretta wrote:

MGB,

I guess ur only saving grace is tat u've posted it in the jokes thread wher therz 'nothing official' abt saying such things! Razz

but i expect some bashing from fire

Aah....tat reminds me....quite a while since shez been here, rite?

From: mgb on Fri Jun 2 14:07:11 2006.

Come on.. 31st may is not that long back..
From: Lambretta on Fri Jun 2 14:08:38 2006.

mgb wrote:

Come on.. 31st may is not that long back..

Ohh....sorry!
I havnt been browsing too oftn/long here lately.....quite busy now!

From: Fire111999 on Fri Jun 2 14:12:19 2006.

mgb wrote:

Lambretta wrote:

MGB,

I guess ur only saving grace is tat u've posted it in the jokes thread wher therz 'nothing official' abt saying such things! Razz

but i expect some bashing from fire

hey guys! not talking abt me, r u?

From: Lambretta on Fri Jun 2 14:14:28 2006.

*dig
Hey thee,
Long time no see!
So how 'u doing?
Howz ur lamp on ur cantelever beam in ur room?
From: Fire111999 on Fri Jun 2 14:17:02 2006.

good! exams next week. so serious studying! my cantilever beam is holding strong, thanks!
From: mgb on Fri Jun 2 14:19:38 2006.

Fire you ll live 100 years
From: Lambretta on Fri Jun 2 14:24:11 2006.

Fire111999 wrote:

good! exams next week. so serious studying! my cantilever beam is holding strong, thanks!

Heyyyyyyyy.......no more "anna"????!!
Neways, ATB!

From: Fire111999 on Fri Jun 2 14:29:39 2006.

Lambretta wrote:

Fire111999 wrote:

good! exams next week. so serious studying! my cantilever beam is holding strong, thanks!

Heyyyyyyyy.......no more "anna"????!! Shocked

Neways, ATB! Thumbs Up!

yen, anna? always!

thanks.

and mgb, ipdi sabikka koodatha! 100 yrs in this world!!!

From: Fire111999 on Fri Jun 2 14:32:28 2006.

but i don't understand y mgb expects a bashing from me is he confusing me with someone else?

and btw, it's kind of true that i haven't been around the hub for some time. i'm only watching the jokes thread.
From: Lambretta on Fri Jun 2 14:34:33 2006.

Fire111999 wrote:

yen, anna? always!

Well, since u hadnt called me so in ur previous reply......

Quote:

and mgb, ipdi sabikka koodatha! 100 yrs in this world!!!

Hmm......I guess ur not really joking here.......
'think I know wat u mean....but we r all like, sailing in the same boat!
From: mgb on Fri Jun 2 14:36:32 2006.

You will live long. I am not confused. Now confusion illama, carry on with your preparation. All the very best Do well.
From: Fire111999 on Fri Jun 2 14:38:42 2006.

ok. thanks! (still confused though)

anyway, anna and mgb, post some jokes!
From: Lambretta on Fri Jun 2 14:46:47 2006.

Fire111999 wrote:

ok. thanks! (still confused though)

anyway, anna and mgb, post some jokes!

Um...later.....rather tired now......shut-eye beckons!
Ciao
From: Fire111999 on Fri Jun 2 14:48:36 2006.

nite, anna!

From: ramky on Fri Jun 2 16:37:09 2006.

Lambretta wrote:

ramky wrote:

Ana oru doubt.......bunk le ethuku cell-e use panna vuda maatanga? Confused

'didnt get tat one point..... Huh?!

Paaji, changa hai...! Laughing

Tho it was already posted by NOV sum time ago.... Smile

lambretta : In the days when the regulations were written, cell phones were used in cars & were very high-powered and quite rare. The powers used meant that there was a real risk of sparks from them in some circumstances.

Nowadays, the output power of a mobile phone is far lower, and the risk of an explosion caused by the signal is no longer a likely factor. There is some chance that signals could affect the metering systems used in petrol stations, but this is unlikely.

From: Fire111999 on Fri Jun 2 16:46:21 2006.

nice sign, ramky!
From: ramky on Fri Jun 2 16:48:48 2006.

Fire111999 wrote:

nice sign, ramky!

thnx !
From: mgb on Sat Jun 3 6:26:40 2006.

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen.
This is your Captain Santa Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways.
We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the bakery. This is flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana. Landing in Ludhiana is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village.
Punjab Airways has an excellent record for safety.In fact our safety standards are so high that even the fully trained terrorists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us. It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airways staff has all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off for your convenience. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits.
For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out that God really exists.
We regret to inform you that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to United Airlines, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window. These windows have been removed, especially keeping in mind your convenience. For passengers with sight problems, we have also put a air of binoculars under your seat.
As per the rules, smoking is not allowed in all international flights. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow! down. Life jackets are positioned under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available to the aunties and swimming trunks to the uncles, for emergency landings.
In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark.
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belts. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with our flight attendants for your arrangement to sit on the bathroom seat. If you do sit there, please do not flush frequently because it may result in the shortage of the water we require to make your tea.
Thank you once again for choosing to fly with Punjab Airways
From: ramky on Sun Jun 4 5:28:54 2006.

President Bush Plays God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
"Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.0" !
From: NOV on Sun Jun 4 22:36:57 2006.

1. Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
He writes a note and sticks it 2 pole "Thanks 4 d compliment"

2 .How do you recognize a Sardar in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

3. Once a Sardar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so?
He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

4. Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar , where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?"
The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (someone pls translate this.)

5. Teacher: Can you tell me something about Raja Ram Mohan Roy?
Saradji: They were 4 best friends..!

6. Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne Flag Dikhaya,
Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao. (someone pls translate this.)

7. How can a Sardar Kill a Lion?
Sardarji thinks & thinks hard & comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo ta ra ra.

9. Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!

10. Sardar with a new mobile called everyone from his Phone Book & said "My MobileNo. has changed Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610"

11. Sardar falls in Love with Nurse. He writes a Love letter to her, " I LOVE U SISTER."

12. What is Common between: Krishna , Ram, Gandhi ji & Jesus..?
Sardar ji Replied: All are born on Government Holidays.

13. Santa : That Cow is a Lovely Colour ,
Farmer : Yes, it's a Jersey
Santa: Oh, I thought it was its Skin...!!!

14. Sardar Son: O God! Please make New York the capital of Punjab .
Sardar: Why are you praying for that?
Sardar Son: That is what I have written in my exam.

From: ramky on Sun Jun 4 23:26:55 2006.

NOV wrote:

4. Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar , where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?"
The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (someone pls translate this.)

Translation : ( Mother asks ) : Hey son, watsup ?
Sardarji's reply : Oye, these Maruti ( popular compact car in India ) people are crazy. They have installed 4 gears for making the car move forward, but only 1 gear for making it reverse !

NOV wrote:

6. Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao,
Shopkeeper ne Flag Dikhaya,
Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao. (someone pls translate this.)

Translation :
Sardar to Shopkeeper : Show me the Indian Flag.
Shopkeeper shows the flag.
Sardar : Show me some more designs / colors of this flag !

From: Shekhar on Mon Jun 5 0:12:19 2006.

The Lord Will Save Me!

It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away.

The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said again, and the man rowed away.The waters covered the house and the man was forced to sit on his chimney as the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get in or he'll drown. "No thank you," the man said again, "The Lord will save me!"

After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew away. The waters rose above the chimney and the man drowned and went to heaven where he met God.

"Lord, I don't understand," he told Him, frustrated, "The waters rose higher and higher and I waited hours for you to save me but you didn't! Why?"

The Lord just shook his head and said, "What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter?!"
From: ramky on Mon Jun 5 0:13:58 2006.

Mod saar : naan joke repeat panninappo inthE mathri vanthu post panninaang, en joke repeat -nu. athanale naanum apdi post panninEn.
From: Badri on Mon Jun 5 0:53:07 2006.

Please guys...even if a joke has been posted earlier, it is fine, nothing is going to be achieved by another post that merely points it out!

People visit this thread thinking a new joke has been posted, and finding a "This has been posted again" is sadly not funny.
From: mgb on Mon Jun 5 9:00:26 2006.

President Bush is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Bush asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies, Mr. President."

Bush thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Laura what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies."

The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Republican puppies."

The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"
From: NOV on Tue Jun 6 4:25:45 2006.

How to kill a Lion?

NarasimhaRao method - why kill....leave the lion as it is.... after sometime it will die by aging.

Rajnikanth method - Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. the lion will live in fear and die soon in fear.

Kamal method - Go near the lion and cry like anything.... lion will
die of sorrow !

Jayalalitha method - Just kill it !

Manirathnam method - Make sure the lion does not get sunlight. Keep murmering something in its ears. the lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Barathiraja Method - Killing the lion?.. damn it.... En iniya gramathu
singangale !

Balachandar Method - Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness will fall in love with each other. Now send another lioness into the forest, followed by a lion. First lion loves the third lioness and and the second lion loves the 4th lioness, but 4th lioness loves both lions. now send another lioness into the forest. u dont understand? (just like paarthaale paravasam)....right...ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u won't!

Karunanidhi's Method - Telecast in Sun TV, how the Lion dragged you, pushed you, squeezed you, hugged you in regular intervals of 3 mins, 24 hours everyday, People watching Sun TV will get bored of seeing this nonsense and kill the lion themselves.

Bush method - If the Lion is in US take a survey from the world and
kill it (don't reveal the survey results !). If the Lion is in other place
of the world declare that Lion is dangerous but people should not kill as it is against nature.
From: Badri on Tue Jun 6 4:40:26 2006.

Cha, Captain method-ai vittuteengaley!!!

Deliver powerful dialogues, pointing finger at the lion. Use words such as "theeviravadi", Pagistaan etc

Lion will die of sheer...I dont know, irritation, exasperation, boredom, you name it!

And of course there is a variation to the Bush method!!

Declare the lion to be part of the Nexus of Evil
Accuse it of accumulating WMD
Send in the army and after three years, turn world attention to the tiger, while the Lion appears once in a while on Al Lion TV and issues threats
From: NOV on Tue Jun 6 4:47:06 2006.

captain?
you mean the MLA?

lion might resign from king of jungle post and offer it to our captain.
From: Alan on Tue Jun 6 5:13:31 2006.

Too cool, NOV!
From: rami on Tue Jun 6 5:35:14 2006.

COOL JOKE....

A MAN WAS SLEEPING IN HIS HOUSE. SUDDENLY YAMARAJ APPEARED & SAID, "GO OUT & ENJOY. NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS."
HE DID SO & MET WITH AN ACCIDENT & DIED.
ON THE WAY TO HEAVEN IS HELL....SAW YAMARAJ WHISTLING N RELAXING. HE ASKED YAMRAJ, WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME.

"SORRY SON, Appraisal time, HAD TO ACHIEVE TARGET......
From: dev on Tue Jun 6 5:45:31 2006.

From: ramky on Tue Jun 6 5:50:44 2006.

rami wrote:

COOL JOKE....

A MAN WAS SLEEPING IN HIS HOUSE. SUDDENLY YAMARAJ APPEARED & SAID, "GO OUT & ENJOY. NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS."
HE DID SO & MET WITH AN ACCIDENT & DIED.
ON THE WAY TO HEAVEN IS HELL....SAW YAMARAJ WHISTLING N RELAXING. HE ASKED YAMRAJ, WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME.

"SORRY SON, Appraisal time, HAD TO ACHIEVE TARGET......

yamanukkulaam kooda apraisal unda ?!

From: NOV on Tue Jun 6 22:41:03 2006.

Types of Wives

HARD-DISK Wife
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Wife
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Wife
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL Wife
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs..

SCREENSAVER Wife:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Wife:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Wife:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Wife:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Wife:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Wife:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

Laptop Wife:
Most desired possession, but always belongs to some one else

VIRUS Wife: Also known as "THE WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources.
If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything
From: madhu on Tue Jun 6 22:44:54 2006.

what about outdated "floppy" wife ?
From: NOV on Wed Jun 7 2:54:05 2006.

BAPTISING A DRUNK

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk, coughs, wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher "For the love of life.., are you sure this is where he fell in?"
From: Alan on Wed Jun 7 11:20:45 2006.

LOL@Types of Wives !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From: Lambretta on Thu Jun 8 5:04:55 2006.

NOV wrote:

RAM Wife
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

Uh-ohh......better be careful w/ this one!

Quote:

WINDOWS Wife
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

Then I guess one cud end up w/ such a wife only thru love-marriage!

Quote:

MULTIMEDIA Wife:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

Hmm......konjum positive attitude iruntha mathiri thonathu!

Quote:

VIRUS Wife: Also known as "THE WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources.
If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything

Yow! Now this one sounds real scary!

From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Jun 8 6:46:16 2006.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."
From: dev on Thu Jun 8 7:38:41 2006.

Bush on al zarqawi's death: Now that he is dead, this violent man will never murder again...

Sethu ponavan eppadiya matthavangala kolai panna mudium???!!!...
From: Lambretta on Thu Jun 8 8:29:46 2006.

dev wrote:

Bush on al zarqawi's death: Now that he is dead, this violent man will never murder again...

Sethu ponavan eppadiya matthavangala kolai panna mudium???!!!...

Ama seriyana makk-illaya antha aalu?!
From: ramky on Sat Jun 10 3:44:48 2006.

Some more Quotes by Bush :

"We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House - make no mistake about it." -George W. Bush, Feb. 7, 2001

"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead." -George W. Bush, May 11, 2001

"This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end." -George W. Bush, April 10, 2001

"I do think we need for a troop to be able to house his family. That's an important part of building morale in the military." -George W. Bush, speaking at Tyndall Air Force Base in Florida, March 12, 2001

"I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001
From: rachel on Sat Jun 10 4:10:19 2006.

Alan wrote:

LOL@Types of Wives !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ungae wife enthe type
From: Alan on Sat Jun 10 6:45:00 2006.

Still new, rachel- too early to say- lol!
From: ramky on Sun Jun 11 12:41:03 2006.

.
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....

On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension!
Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.....
From: Shakthiprabha. on Wed Jun 14 14:25:26 2006.

@ ramky

***************

Timmy: Mommy I have drinking problem

Mom: Whaaaaat????? u are just 6!! and you have drinking problem!!!!!

DAd: Its all because u dont pay attention to him

Mom: NO! Its because u are a bad role model

Dad: I work all along, like a dog for this family and this is what I get..........fine I am leaving

Mom: Fine. Get out...I dont need u and timmy sure does not need u...... Dont worry timmy we dont need him

(Consoling the son)

Mom: Dont worry timmy we shall fine without that man

Timmy: sniff sniff

Mom: Talk to me timmy.... tell me bout ur drinking problem.

Timmy: IF joe drinks one litre of juice and tom drinks 2 litres how much did they drink totally?
From: ramky on Wed Jun 14 14:38:12 2006.

sp : one maths question can lead to divorce ?
From: Shakthiprabha. on Wed Jun 14 14:40:32 2006.
From: Surya on Wed Jun 14 15:28:06 2006.

Here's one:

P1: Nethu Pakathu Veetu Kaararu Oothuvathu Stand-e Eduthu Saatutaaru!

P2: Ennathu!?

P1: Aama...Nalla Velai, Avange Veetule Oodhuvathi Stand oru Vaazhapazama..(bannana)
From: Shakthiprabha. on Wed Jun 14 16:03:26 2006.
From: NOV on Wed Jun 14 21:51:56 2006.

An American, a Japanese and an Indian went for a hike one day. It was very hot and they were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates.
But the Indian covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the American and the Japanese asked the Indian why he covered his face rather than his private part.

The Indian replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize."

From: rachel on Thu Jun 15 1:28:05 2006.

NOV wrote:

An American, a Japanese and an Indian went for a hike one day. It was very hot and they were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates.
But the Indian covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the American and the Japanese asked the Indian why he covered his face rather than his private part.

The Indian replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize."

From: svasu_ani on Thu Jun 15 10:10:49 2006.

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR -
THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
From: svasu_ani on Thu Jun 15 10:11:30 2006.

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his
mother in the doctor's office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is
your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the
Baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "He sure is." Then the little boy, with a puzzled look,
asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked, "Then why did you
eat him?" *
From: dsath on Thu Jun 15 10:18:48 2006.

The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon: "I'm sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."

=================================================
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:

Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you.It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs...
I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that..
Bush: What buildings? What people??

Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?

Bush: It's eight in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

=================================================

A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York.
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and
says: "You are a hero,
tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".

The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"

Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"

The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"

The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog".

====================================
Gandhiji Joke

God asked Lal Bahadur Shastri how many children he had during his time on earth. He replied saying he had three!
Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted, God gave Shastri a Mercedes!

Subhash Chandra Bose is asked the same question.
When he replies he had 10 children, God is a bit upset and gives him a cheaper car, the Ford.

Jawaharlal is next.
He decides to see what happens if he says he had 15 children, God is pretty angry and gives him an inexpensive Maruti.

Sometime later the three see Mahatma Gandhi returning on foot.
They ask why God hadn't given him anything.
Gandhiji replied with anger, "Some idiot told God that I was the FATHER OF THE NATION!"
From: Shakthiprabha. on Thu Jun 15 10:28:51 2006.

dsath

good ones
From: Shakthiprabha. on Thu Jun 15 10:34:38 2006.

Why Indians Can't be Terrorists

1. We are always late; we would have missed all 4 flights

2. Pretty girls on the plane would distract us

3. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.

4. With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're there

5. We talk with our hands; therefore we would have to put our weapons down

6. We would ALL want to fly the plane

7. We would argue and start a fight in the plane

8. We can't keep a secret; we would have told everyone a week before doing it

9. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield

10. We would all have fallen over each other to be in the photograph being taken by one of the hostages
From: Hulkster on Thu Jun 15 10:40:55 2006.

11. We tend to speak dialogues that are twice as long as the plane's flight and worse we have some spice in those dialogues(polite saying of over build upu)..
From: Hulkster on Thu Jun 15 10:43:34 2006.

12 . The most important reason...with captain as a terrorist destroyer and with the death rate of all terrorists who faced him being 100 percent..no indian will ever dare to be a terrorist... ( veru enna andha indialeh mottam bla bla speech thaan)
From: Shakthiprabha. on Thu Jun 15 11:05:40 2006.

hulk
From: skanthan on Thu Jun 15 11:07:56 2006.

Q: What do you get if you coross an elephant with a rhino?
A: Elephino!

Q; What time is it when an elephant falls on your roof?
a: Time to build another house.

Q: What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backward?
A: A receding "hare" line.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.

Q: Why did the moron throw the clock out the window?
A: To see time fly.

Q: Why did the idiot throw the margarine?
A: To see butter fly
From: Shakthiprabha. on Thu Jun 15 11:23:28 2006.

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people
in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love,
your son,
John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come
home .
From: Shakthiprabha. on Thu Jun 15 12:28:41 2006.

HER DIARY

Day night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit
late, but he made no comment.Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and
absent.I asked him what was wrong - he said,

"Nothing."I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me
and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I
loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u,too."When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.Finally I
decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today India lost the cricket match against bangladesh.

DAMN IT.

____________

NOW that's called

Simplicity of Men Vs Complexity of Women !!!
From: P_R on Thu Jun 15 12:43:13 2006.

SP that was wonderful.
From: Nerd on Thu Jun 15 14:41:17 2006.

Shakthiprabha wrote:

A father passing by his son's bedroom, ................ Call when it is safe for me to come
home .

That was out of the world, SP
From: Alan on Fri Jun 16 7:19:58 2006.

SP akka, (Surprised????) who is on ur avatar?
From: ramky on Fri Jun 16 21:47:27 2006.

PowerLight : superb !
From: madhu on Fri Jun 16 21:58:39 2006.

power : call when it is safe for me to come
From: mgb on Sat Jun 17 0:59:22 2006.

Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get this mummy then?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to Newyork.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red pots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
"Sure," replied her lover "What's your phone number?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------
From: mgb on Sat Jun 17 1:03:08 2006.

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

'For twenty years my husband and I were very happy'
'What happened then?'
'We met.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Customer : 'If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Mumbai in two days' time?'
Post Master : 'Well it might do.'
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Bangalore
From: mgb on Sat Jun 17 1:04:55 2006.

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
From: Shakthiprabha. on Sat Jun 17 5:08:32 2006.

thanks PR, NERD, RAMKY, MADHU

alan, that WAS elizabeth cady stanton a woman insturmental for women's voting rights.

(I changed my avtar now)

and chooooo chweet u learnt the word AKKA and calling me akka
From: NOV on Sat Jun 17 5:51:28 2006.

Man : Where are you from?

Woman : U.S.A

Man : Are you here on vacation?

Woman : No lah! I'm here for lunch.

Man : What!!! All the way from United States of America!!!

Woman : No lah! Upper Serangoon Avenue.

*********************************************************
A customer went to snack bar and ordered a hamburger. When 20 minutes had gone by and his food hadn't arrived, the irritated customer asked the waiter.

Customer: Will my hamburger be long?

Waiter: No, sir...it will be round.

********************************************************
Two young boys were having their morning breakfast, of hot chocolate and cereal. As he almost finished his meal, the younger of the two headed for their aquarium, his hand full of cereal. Just before he fed the turtles and the fish, his mother came into the room.

"Don't do it, Kamal",she said. "They'll die."

The boys face turned pale and he threw his mother a desperate look, "Then why do you give it to us ?"

*********************************************************
Diner: Waiter, look at this chicken, nothing but skin and bones.

Waiter: What else do u want, feathers?

Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!

Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!

Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

*********************************************************
Ben: This ice-cream is too expensive

John: Stop complaining and pay with a smile.

Ben: I wish I could but the man insists on cash!

*********************************************************
Almost bald man: Why do u always charge me double?
You ought to charge me cheaper for I don't have much
hair!
Barber: No, no! We don't charge for cutting the
hair! We charge for having to search for it!
*********************************************************
New prisoner comes to prison cell.

Convicts: Why are you here?

Prisoner: I broke a window at my job place.

Convicts: It's unbelievable! Where did you work?

Prisoner: On a submarine.

******************************************************
Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?

Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?

Customer : No, I can't.

Waiter : Then does it really matter?

******************************************************
Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.

Waiter : Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers.

******************************************************
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.

******************************************************
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.

Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

******************************************************
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?

Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

******************************************************
Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.

Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?

******************************************************
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"

"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in to the living room and tell me about it."

"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in maths and 20 in science."

From: Alan on Sat Jun 17 6:42:46 2006.

Shakthiprabha wrote:

thanks PR, NERD, RAMKY, MADHU Smile

alan, that WAS elizabeth cady stanton a woman insturmental for women's voting rights.

(I changed my avtar now)

and chooooo chweet u learnt the word AKKA and calling me akka Very Happy

From: hi on Mon Jun 19 3:35:01 2006.

Man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, So he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally Typed
wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-
mail. Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned
home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-
mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the
first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just
reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you
then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
From: johntony on Mon Jun 19 20:28:36 2006.

1.Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring.

2.The last fight my wife and I had was my fault. My wife asked, "What's
on the "TV?" I said,"Dust!" Then I woke up in the hospital.

3.In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created| man
and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man
has rested.

4.My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state
troopers and a police dog to keep us apart.

5.Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

6.A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said"I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and
said, "God, wish I had your willpower."

7.Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

8.The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.

9.First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

10.Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

11.Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then
when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you
had ordered that.

12. A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

13. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope
over experience.

14. Marraige is not a word...ITS A SENTENCE

15. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the
wrong man."

16.Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.

17. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I
don't know son, I'mstill paying."

18.Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts
of Africaa man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her? Dad: Thathappens in every country, son.

19.Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too
late."

20. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You
know, I was afool when I married you." The husband
replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't
notice."

21.A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife
wanted". Nextday he received a hundred letters. They
all said the same thing:"You can have mine."

22.When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry

23.Ninety percent of Indian men cheat in marriage. The
rest do not marry
From: johntony on Mon Jun 19 20:32:37 2006.

English as a second language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the
European Union rather than German, which was the other
possibility.

As part of the negotiations Her Majesty's Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement
and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known
as "Euro-English".

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'.

Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'.

This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one
less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year
when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'.

This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan
be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters
which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in
the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' be dropd from vords
kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to
oza kombinations of letas.

After ziz fifz yer ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find
it ezi tu anderstand ech oza.

Ze drem of ze united urop vil finali kum tru!

From: Braandan on Mon Jun 19 20:36:21 2006.

NOV wrote:

Man : Where are you from?

Woman : U.S.A

Man : Are you here on vacation?

Woman : No lah! I'm here for lunch.

Man : What!!! All the way from United States of America!!!

Woman : No lah! Upper Serangoon Avenue.
"

NOV is posting from Malaysia... looks like.
The "lah" usage prompted me to post this.

When I was living in Singapore I used to hear a joke on the "can-can" usage habit of Singaporeans.

A Britisher was visiting Singapore for the first time. He entered a shop and asked for a can of beer.

Shop keeper: "can-can, beer can, bottle can, can cannot!"

Britisher got confused.
For those who have not been to Singapore.
The shop keeper meant: Yes I can give you beer, but only a bottle of beer because I don't have cans of beer.

From: johntony on Mon Jun 19 20:39:28 2006.

Dr. Seuss explains why computers crash

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is Interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your systems gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
till your icons in the windows are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet the suckers gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
And the macrocode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Author: Unknown
From: NOV on Tue Jun 20 4:07:37 2006.

Braandan wrote:

NOV is posting from Malaysia... looks like.
The "lah" usage prompted me to post this.
yes, i am from malaysia.

a joke for you....

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. "Tray-up!"
From: johntony on Tue Jun 20 7:29:25 2006.

Receiving Mail

Bush (Senior) was in his front yard mowing his grass when little W.came out of
the house and rushed straight to the mailbox. Little W opened it, looked in,
then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
As Bush (senior) was getting ready to edge the lawn, looking his son, little
W. came back out to the mailbox, opened it, felt all the way to the back, and
then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by his son actions George (senior) asked him, "Is something wrong
son?"
To which he replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps
saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
From: johntony on Tue Jun 20 7:32:18 2006.

When Mr. Leno of the Tonight Show went J-walking and asked pedestrians some science questions, he discovered some amazing new facts about the universe:

Jay Leno: "Why does dew appear on plants in the morning when the Sun comes up?" A waitress: "Is it because the Sun makes them perspire?"

Jay Leno: "Why does the Moon orbit the Earth?" An auto mechanic: "To get to the other side?"

Jay Leno: What are magnets?" A taxi driver: "Are they the things crawling over a week-old dead cat?"

Jay Leno: Which is more useful, the Sun or the Moon?" A thirteen-year old: [Pause] "I think it's the Moon because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the Sun shines during the day when you don't need it."
From: johntony on Tue Jun 20 7:46:26 2006.

A man, complaining of headaches, entered a hospital for diagnostic tests. A doctor examined the results for a brain scan and told the patient, "I have bad news and good news for you. The bad news is that you have a serious brain disease and will die without treatment. The good news is that this hospital has developed a new procedure for brain transplants and due to a car accident this morning two 'fresh' brains are available: one is from a taxi driver and the other is from a scientist. The brain of the taxi driver costs $225,000, while that of the scientist is only $29.95." Puzzled, the patient asked, "Why is the scientist's brain was so much cheaper?" The doctor replied, "It's used."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A scientist who enjoyed considerable success during the first half of his life was eventually knighted. His name was Sir Ramick. Unfortunately, he developed a mental illness in his early fifties in which he had a split personality: he was a scientist most of the time and a murderer during brief "bad periods".
During his first "bad period", he got into an argument with a taxi driver over the amount of a fare and sliced the driver's throat. He went to jail, was prosecuted, found guilty and placed on death row. On the day of his electrocution, the executioner asked Sir Ramick if he had any last requests. He responded, "I would like to eat 10 bananas before I die." It seemed like a harmless request and so Sir Ramick was granted his wish. He promptly ate 10 bananas and said confidently, "Put me in the chair now." When the executioner flipped the switch, nothing happened. Now, in the country where Sir Ramick resided, there was an unusual law that said if the execution of a death-row inmate fails due to an act of God or any other reason then he should be set free. Sir Ramick happily left the execution facility and went home to work on a new science project.
A month later, he went for a walk during a beautiful evening lit by a full moon. Unfortunately, his bad personality emerged. He grabbed a teen-aged boy and threw him into a wide river. The boy was found dead the next day and Sir Ramick was again imprisoned. On the day of his execution, he again requested to eat ten bananas and again the electrocution apparatus failed to kill him. He exited the facility smiling.
Two months later, the scientist went to church and shot a nun. The community was in an uproar. How could such a violent man be allowed to roam the streets, the citizens complained. They signed a petition to repeal the execution loophole law but it would be at least six months before the government would be able to respond. In the execution facility, Sir Ramick met the executioner for a third time and requested to eat 10 bananas as before. Knowing that Sir Ramick was a superb scientist, the executioner suspected that the scientist somehow was using his scientific knowledge to escape death. After a discussion with other members at the execution facility, Sir Ramick was granted his wish to eat 10 bananas for a third time. And again, the machine failed to kill him when the switch was flipped.
Just before going out the facility's main entrance, the executioner approached Sir Ramick and asked him, "I need to know what's going on. Is it the bananas?" To which, the scientist replied, "No, I'm just a bad conductor."
From: johntony on Tue Jun 20 7:49:24 2006.

The Unjust Salary Theorem asserts that scientists can never earn as much as sales people. This theorem is proved as follows. Start by using the physics formula

Power = Work / Time

Now you probably have heard that Knowledge is Power and Time is Money. Substitute these tautologies into the formula for power to obtain

Knowledge = Work/Money

Solving for Money, one finds

Money = Work / Knowledge.

Therefore, the less you know, the more you make.
From: johntony on Tue Jun 20 8:22:35 2006.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
From: ramky on Tue Jun 20 14:20:44 2006.

Gravity defying liquor !

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out.
The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that.
He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.
The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!".
The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground.
Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet.
A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps.
As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
From: ramky on Tue Jun 20 14:48:27 2006.

Chap 1 : Yaar, yesterday I called up and talked to Bill Gates !

Chap 2 : Oh great ! What did he say ?!

Chap 1 : He said "wrong number" !

From: Alan on Wed Jun 21 9:11:37 2006.

johntony wrote:

A man, complaining of headaches, entered a hospital for diagnostic tests. A doctor examined the results for a brain scan and told the patient, "I have bad news and good news for you. The bad news is that you have a serious brain disease and will die without treatment. The good news is that this hospital has developed a new procedure for brain transplants and due to a car accident this morning two 'fresh' brains are available: one is from a taxi driver and the other is from a scientist. The brain of the taxi driver costs $225,000, while that of the scientist is only $29.95." Puzzled, the patient asked, "Why is the scientist's brain was so much cheaper?" The doctor replied, "It's used."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A scientist who enjoyed considerable success during the first half of his life was eventually knighted. His name was Sir Ramick. Unfortunately, he developed a mental illness in his early fifties in which he had a split personality: he was a scientist most of the time and a murderer during brief "bad periods".
During his first "bad period", he got into an argument with a taxi driver over the amount of a fare and sliced the driver's throat. He went to jail, was prosecuted, found guilty and placed on death row. On the day of his electrocution, the executioner asked Sir Ramick if he had any last requests. He responded, "I would like to eat 10 bananas before I die." It seemed like a harmless request and so Sir Ramick was granted his wish. He promptly ate 10 bananas and said confidently, "Put me in the chair now." When the executioner flipped the switch, nothing happened. Now, in the country where Sir Ramick resided, there was an unusual law that said if the execution of a death-row inmate fails due to an act of God or any other reason then he should be set free. Sir Ramick happily left the execution facility and went home to work on a new science project.
A month later, he went for a walk during a beautiful evening lit by a full moon. Unfortunately, his bad personality emerged. He grabbed a teen-aged boy and threw him into a wide river. The boy was found dead the next day and Sir Ramick was again imprisoned. On the day of his execution, he again requested to eat ten bananas and again the electrocution apparatus failed to kill him. He exited the facility smiling.
Two months later, the scientist went to church and shot a nun. The community was in an uproar. How could such a violent man be allowed to roam the streets, the citizens complained. They signed a petition to repeal the execution loophole law but it would be at least six months before the government would be able to respond. In the execution facility, Sir Ramick met the executioner for a third time and requested to eat 10 bananas as before. Knowing that Sir Ramick was a superb scientist, the executioner suspected that the scientist somehow was using his scientific knowledge to escape death. After a discussion with other members at the execution facility, Sir Ramick was granted his wish to eat 10 bananas for a third time. And again, the machine failed to kill him when the switch was flipped.
Just before going out the facility's main entrance, the executioner approached Sir Ramick and asked him, "I need to know what's going on. Is it the bananas?" To which, the scientist replied, "No, I'm just a bad conductor."

From: Surya on Wed Jun 21 14:58:48 2006.

Something I Stubled up on a Blog.

Manmohan Singh to Bush - We are sending Indians to the moon next year.

Bush - Wow! How Many?

Manmohan Singh - 100
25 - OBC
25 - SC
20 - ST
5 - Handicapped
5 - Sports Persons
5 - Terrorism Affected
5 - Kashmiri Migrants
9 - Politicians
and if possible
1 - Astronaut

Bush-
From: Ramakrishna on Wed Jun 21 15:00:05 2006.

@ Surya
From: Surya on Wed Jun 21 15:16:17 2006.

Ram,
From: Ramakrishna on Wed Jun 21 15:19:49 2006.
From: Surya on Wed Jun 21 15:21:16 2006.
From: Ramakrishna on Wed Jun 21 15:22:19 2006.

ellaam summa oru scene thaan.Heroism
From: Surya on Wed Jun 21 15:23:12 2006.

for your Heroism! Punch Dialouge iliya?
From: Ramakrishna on Wed Jun 21 15:24:06 2006.

Surya wrote:

for your Heroism! Punch Dialouge iliya?

Naa enna Perarasaa
From: Surya on Wed Jun 21 15:25:20 2006.

Great Insult!! My Image...Total Damage!!
From: Ramakrishna on Wed Jun 21 15:27:04 2006.

Surya wrote:

Great Insult!! My Image...Total Damage!!

Perarase itha paatha tension aagamaattaaru, neenga yaen?
From: johntony on Wed Jun 21 16:05:41 2006.

Shirley's Makeover

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"
From: johntony on Wed Jun 21 16:16:17 2006.

Cigars for the Judge

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
From: johntony on Wed Jun 21 16:18:39 2006.

Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
From: johntony on Wed Jun 21 16:21:03 2006.

Blind Man in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
From: johntony on Wed Jun 21 16:28:05 2006.

Jail Mail

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
From: johntony on Wed Jun 21 16:31:49 2006.

Rabbit Resurrection

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
From: johntony on Wed Jun 21 16:44:52 2006.

God Will Provide

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
From: johntony on Wed Jun 21 16:54:22 2006.

Overpopulation of Nerds

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
From: johntony on Wed Jun 21 16:56:18 2006.

Learning the ABCs

There was a boy who wanted to go out for recess. His teacher asked, "First tell me your ABC's". That night, the kid asks his mother "What're my ABC's?" She says, "Shut up!" He asks his sister the same question. She says, "yeah, yeah". He asks his brother his ABC's. The broter, who was reading comics, said, "Superman!" The boy asks his father his ABC's. The father, who had just lost his job, said, "Crap." The next day, the teacher asked the boy his ABC's. He said "Shut up" She said "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" He said, "yeah, yeah." In the principal's office, the principal demanded, "Who do you think you are?" The boy yelled, "Superman!" The principal said, "What do you think this school is made out of?" The boy answered, "Crap."
From: johntony on Wed Jun 21 17:06:07 2006.

Obediant Maid

Man calls home.
Maid answers phone.
He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."
He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok."
5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"
He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."
She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "Is this 555-8372?"
From: johntony on Wed Jun 21 17:16:20 2006.

Your Husband Gets It Double

This woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautifull lamp lieing in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a geenie popped out of the lamp! The geenie said that it would grant her 3 wishes & that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double!

So, the woman thinks of a first wish...
"I want to be rich!!!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
So, the woman thinks of a second wish...
"I want to be beautifull!!"
So, the woman became beautifull, and the husband became twice as beautifull.

"Okay", the geenie says. "This is your last wish so be carefull what you wish for!"

The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a desision.
"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"
From: johntony on Wed Jun 21 17:47:55 2006.

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client�s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
From: johntony on Wed Jun 21 17:57:03 2006.

Art vs Science

There were once two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who were riding in the same compartment. They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn't much conversation between the two. The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the beauty of the passing terrain. The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know so he could try to figure them out. Finally, the scientist was so bored, that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game?" The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist, who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU $5." The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer. The scientist, who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!" Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn." The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "Alright, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?" The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to the window. "Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me! What's the answer??" The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
From: Alan on Thu Jun 22 2:39:58 2006.

A Clever Old man!

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Fridayeveningwith a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring andshowed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something veryspecial."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jewelersaid.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled withexcitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "bycheck."
"I know you need to make sure my cheqe is good, so I'll write it now andyou can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's nomoney in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine watta weekend I had?"
--
From: Shakthiprabha. on Thu Jun 22 4:59:59 2006.

alan
From: NOV on Thu Jun 22 7:48:07 2006.

Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.

2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.

3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.

4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one Around.

5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with others.

6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off If the women leaves them.

7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their Mistakes and still try their luck with others.
From: NOV on Thu Jun 22 7:49:57 2006.

Women:

1. the most important thing for a woman is financial security.

2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive Clothes.

3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something To wear.

4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress Beautifully.

5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".

6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still Expect you to compliment them.

7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't Believe you
From: johntony on Thu Jun 22 14:46:44 2006.

Alan wrote:

The Clever Old man!
--
From: johntony on Thu Jun 22 15:06:54 2006.

You think the Y2K problem is bad.......

In March, 1992 a man living in Newton (near Boston), Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. T he following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail.

He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there were usage on the account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake and he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail.

The bank could therefore not process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
From: johntony on Thu Jun 22 15:10:56 2006.

Change is Good?

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.
Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.

Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped.

"Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this."

"Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."
From: johntony on Thu Jun 22 15:16:19 2006.

Computer Processor Breakthrough

A breakthrough in computer technology has been made by the representatives of the growing population of female computer engineers in the former Soviet Republics.

This new revolutionary processor is based on female logic and utilizes the following four values for logical operators:

0) neither YES nor NO
1) YES or NO
2) NO three times
3) NO and never mention it to me again!
From: johntony on Thu Jun 22 15:23:47 2006.

Computer Service Form

COMPUTER PROBLEM SELF-REPORT FORM

1. Describe your problem:

__________________________________________________________

2. Now, describe your problem accurately:

___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

_________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__No__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? Yes__No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?

_________________________________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?

______________________________________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the
problem occurred?

_________________________________________________________________

17. If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.

_________________________________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel?

_________________________________________________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood.

_________________________________________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__No__

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: johntony on Thu Jun 22 15:36:46 2006.

New Computer Languages

APL, BASIC, COBOL, FORTRAN, PASCAL, RPG... these programming languages are well known and (more or less) loved throughout the computer industry. There are numerous other languages, however, that are less well known yet still have ardent devotees. In fact, these little known languages generally have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about these obscure languages -- and why they are obscure -- we present the following catalogue.

C-

This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In general, the language requires more C- statements than machine code instructions to execute a given task. In this respect it is very similar to COBOL.

DOGO

Developed at MIOT (Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training). DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include SIT, HEEL, STAY, PLAY_DEAD and ROLL_OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy graphics," a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves deposits as it travels across the screen.

FIFTH

FIFTH is a precise mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantities. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER MAGNUM, and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, CANADIAN, COORS, BUD, EVERCLEAR and WHAT_EVERS_AROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its user. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP, LAFITE and WAITERS_RECOMMENDATION. The GUTTER dialect commands include THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE and HOUSE_RED. The GUTTER dialect is a particular favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language.

LAIDBACK

This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.

The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message: "I hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can you find the time to try it again?"

LITHP

This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set. Programmers and users must substitute "TH." LITHP is said to be useful prothething litht.

RENE

Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of ours."

The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to exist.

SATRE

Named after the late existential philosopher, SATRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SATRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SATRE programs are left to define their own functions. SATRE programmers tend to be boring and depressing and are no fun at parties.

SIMPLE

SIMPLE is the acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Linguistic Environment. This language, developed at Hanover College for Technological Misfists, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error.

SLOBOL

SLOBOL is best know for the speed, or the lack of it, of the compiler. Although may compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, the SLOBOL compiler allows you to travel to Columbia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile.

VALGOL

From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.

VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL and Y*KNOW. Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and +TOTALLY operators. Other operators include the California Booleans, AX and NOWAY. Repetitions of code are handled in FOR - SURE loops.

Here is a sample program:

LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
THEN

FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
SURE

LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
REALLY
LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
IM*SURE
GOTO THE MALL

VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:

GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!

*****************************************************
From: johntony on Thu Jun 22 15:50:39 2006.

Dentist and Patient

Dentist - "Try to relax. I'll pull your aching tooth in five minutes."

Patient - "How much will this cost?"

Dentist - "It`ll be $100."

Patient - "That much for just five minutes work?"

Dentist - "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."
From: johntony on Thu Jun 22 15:53:35 2006.

Do You Realize...

tourist parked his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Congress?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
From: johntony on Thu Jun 22 16:01:00 2006.

A Mathematical Joke

'oo' is for infinity

lim n->oo x^2 = oo

Therefore

lim n->oo x^3 = ooo
From: johntony on Thu Jun 22 17:03:00 2006.

The Microsoft Waiter

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
From: johntony on Thu Jun 22 17:08:36 2006.

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
From: johntony on Thu Jun 22 17:13:07 2006.

The Doctor & Mechanic

A woman surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car repair.

"This is ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred dollars to grind the valves and put in new piston rings."

"Not really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and should know that an automobile engine is just as complicated as a human body. The mechanic who serviced your car is just as skilled as you are."

"Is that so? Well, let me see him grind valves while the engine is running."
From: johntony on Thu Jun 22 17:16:11 2006.

Never work again

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.
"I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie. Poof! A beer appeared.

Next the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women."
Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.

Oh, man this is the life, the guy thought.
"I wish I never had to work again." And poof!...
He was back at his desk in the government office!
From: johntony on Thu Jun 22 17:31:09 2006.

You and your boss

When you take a long time, you�re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he�s thorough.

When you don�t do it, you�re lazy.
When your boss doesn�t do it, he�s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you�re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he�s only human.

When doing something without being told, you�re overstepping your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that�s initiative.

When you take a stand, you�re being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he�s being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you�re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he�s being original.

When you please your boss, you�re apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he�s being co-operative.

When you�re out of the office, you�re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he�s on business.

When you�re on a day off sick, you�re always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it�s because he�s overworked.
From: johntony on Thu Jun 22 17:44:52 2006.

A "technial support"...

True story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:

Caller:
"Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech:
"Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller:
"The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech:
"I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller:
"Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech:
"Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller:
"It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '24X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
From: johntony on Thu Jun 22 18:19:28 2006.

Two Poles are walking through the woods when they come to a huge hole in the ground. One guy, wanting to see how deep it is, throws a rock in and listens, but hears nothing. "Let's get something bigger.", he says, so they find a bigger rock and throw it in, but still hear nothing. "We need something even bigger.", he says, and so they look around and find a railroad tie. They pick it up and throw it in the hole. A second later a goat comes running up and jamps in the hole. "Stupid goat!", remarks the second Pole.

Just then a farmer walks up and says "Hey, have you guys seen my goat?".

The first Pole answers "One just jumped into this hole here."

The farmer says "No, that can't be mine.....I tied mine to a railroad tie..."
From: Alan on Fri Jun 23 14:59:45 2006.

All great ones, johntony!
From: johntony on Fri Jun 23 15:46:26 2006.

Alan wrote:

All great ones, johntony!

Thank you Alan
From: johntony on Fri Jun 23 15:48:13 2006.

A mathematician found out that a pipe was leaking, so he called a
plumber. The plumber changed a gasket and asked for $100.

"But how is it possible? You've been working for only 10 minutes and it
takes me full week to earn $100", exclaimed the mathematician.
"Well, that's why I became a plumber. But let me tell you something - I'll
give you the address of my company. Go there and say that you want to work
as a plumber. And don't mention that you are a mathematician."

And so the mathematician did. Soon he earned quite a lot of money.

But the company decided to educate the plumbers and send them to primary
school. On the first day the mathematician was asked to write the equation
for the surface of a circle on the blackboard. He could not remember it,
but he wanted to use integral calculus to derive it. However, he made some
error and obtained a negative result. He repeated the calculations twice,
thrice - and still obtained a negative result.

He looked stressed at the class
and found all the fellow plumbers shouting to him: "Change the range of
integration! Change the range of integration!"

*****************************************************
From: temporary sori-Observer on Fri Jun 23 17:51:29 2006.

If you did not understand, everyone in the class is a mathematician who is working as a plumber.
From: johntony on Sat Jun 24 15:01:37 2006.

IN THE BEGINNING

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."

And so God created Man in his own image; male and female he created them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's...........
From: johntony on Sat Jun 24 15:09:09 2006.

A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened. A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carbuerator to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.
Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked. The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie." The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carbuerator to me.'" The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars."
From: johntony on Sat Jun 24 15:22:35 2006.

Moving On

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved
because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take
it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to
take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take
your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the
rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel
reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take
one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase
and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to
greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring
that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to
verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back
saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm
supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man
found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
From: johntony on Sat Jun 24 15:29:41 2006.

(I received this in my email box):

New virus to be aware of
From: lee@satu.edu
To:
Subject: New virus to be aware of
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2000 17:03:43 -0400

Aggie Virus

This virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this
message to everyone you know.

Thank you for your cooperation.
From: johntony on Sat Jun 24 16:10:19 2006.

Sheep

There's this shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of
a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a
halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti
shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, a TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a
Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can
tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the grazing
sheep and replies, "Okay."

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-
fax, enters a NASA website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens
a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot
tables, then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech
mini-printer.

He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep here."

The shepherd answers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep."

The young man takes an animal and puts it in the back of his
Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your
profession, will you return my animal to me?"

The young man answers, "Yes, why not?"

The shepherd says, "You are a consultant for Arthur Andersen."

"How did you know?" asks the young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd, "First, you came here
without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me
something I already knew. Third, you don't understand anything
about my business. Now can I have my dog back?"

**************************************************
From: johntony on Sat Jun 24 16:43:01 2006.

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, said, I'm Kobe Bryant, The best NBA Basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die..."
So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of
the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world, I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President."
She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, Hipolito Mejia , said, "I am da President of
Dominican Republic , I have a great responsibility being the leader of a great nation.
And above all I'm da most intelligent President in Dominican history, so the DR's people won't let me die". So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger, The Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.
The boy said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you.
The Dominican Republic's most intellegent President has taken my school backpack.

*****************************************************
From: Alan on Mon Jun 26 7:25:39 2006.

One day while walking down the street a highly successful
Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul
arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter
himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled
in though, it
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've
never once had a
Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not
really sure what to
do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're
going to do is let
you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can
choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in
Heaven", said
the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and
it went
down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the
putting green
of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country
club and standing
in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives
that she had
worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and
cheering for
her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they
talked about old
times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night
went to the
country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and
lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind
of cute) and she
had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having
such a good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody
shook her hand and
waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly
Gates and found
St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she
spent the next 24
hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and
singing. She had
great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and
St. Peter came
and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in
heaven. Now you
must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I
never thought I'd
say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but
I think I had a
better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
down-down-down
back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself
standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her
friends were
dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting
it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was
here and there
was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and
we danced and
had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage
and all my
friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an
Employee"
From: rami on Mon Jun 26 8:23:44 2006.

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2
hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only. "The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said,"Hey, Bill, do me a favour, Follow that guy and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back". A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said,
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
"To your wife....."
From: Querida on Wed Jun 28 18:22:58 2006.

Hey Y'all thought i'd drop a joke in my fav thread (been awhile)...laff it up Johntony hi-larious jokes! Q: what's brown and sticky A: Your faulty boomerang
**************************************************

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
From: mgb on Thu Jun 29 2:10:05 2006.

Three Sardarjis went for a tour to singapore. They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel. After taking rest they started for a local visit. While leaving the hotel the manager informed them that they should reach the hotel before 10.00pm or other wise lift will not be available and they have to take the steps. They agreed and went out.

After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30. Since lift is not available they decided to take the stairways, under the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that has to last for 33 floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble. After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said," I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only". Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his story and finally they reached the 100th floor. Then first sardarji asked what was the sad story. The third one said, " I forgot the room key which is on the manager's table".

They once again started back to the first floor and this time the second sardarji after crossing 33 floors from top said," I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end". They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad story, the second sardarji said, " The keys where in my pocket only".

With anger and full tired, they once again start from the first floor. After reaching the 33rd floor, the third sardarji said, " I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only". Then they reached the 100th floor and the second one asked the third sardarji about the sad story, he replied:
..
..
..
..

" This is not our hotel, It is on the other side of road, opposite to this"
From: swathy on Thu Jun 29 5:21:15 2006.

Rajinikanth to Sankar :
Ennai vachu Comedy kemedy yedhuvum pannalaiye

From: ramky on Thu Jun 29 13:39:57 2006.

rami wrote:

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2
hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only. "The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said,"Hey, Bill, do me a favour, Follow that guy and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back". A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said,
-"To your wife....."

From: ramky on Thu Jun 29 13:45:28 2006.

George Bush and Dick Cheney are talking, when Bush suddenly complains "I hate all the dumb George Bush jokes people tell about me."

Cheney, feeling sorry for his "boss," says "Oh, they're only jokes. There are a lot of truly stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Cheney takes Bush outside and hails a cab.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," says Cheney. The cab driver, without saying a word, drives them to 29 Nickel Street.

Cheney looks at Bush and says, "See! This guy is really stupid."

George Bush agrees. "He really is a dummy. There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

From: johntony on Thu Jun 29 14:04:11 2006.

Querida wrote:

Hey Y'all thought i'd drop a joke in my fav thread (been awhile)...laff it up Very Happy

Johntony hi-larious jokes! Q: what's brown and sticky A: Your faulty boomerang Razz

**************************************************

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

A Great One

From: johntony on Thu Jun 29 15:02:33 2006.

A college professor asked his class a question.

"If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when Called upon said, "Professor you're 44."

The Professor said, "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said, "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's only half crazy."
From: johntony on Thu Jun 29 17:51:14 2006.

Healthy Old Couple

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven. It's free!"

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your darned bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"
From: johntony on Thu Jun 29 18:17:54 2006.

Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease

5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new people.

3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.

2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.

1. Mysteries are always interesting.
From: johntony on Thu Jun 29 18:20:49 2006.

The prison hospital

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: Ya I am, bit by bit.
From: johntony on Thu Jun 29 18:28:57 2006.

Politicians accident

Politicians accident

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
From: johntony on Thu Jun 29 18:36:41 2006.

I know you were drunk yesterday

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
From: johntony on Thu Jun 29 19:04:36 2006.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

�My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.�

�Well put,� the judge replied. �Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one
year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.�

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
From: Querida on Thu Jun 29 19:52:48 2006.

goodones johntony...nice rock as well
*****************************************************

Confucius Say...

Man who run in front of car get tired.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!
From: Shekhar on Fri Jun 30 2:28:54 2006.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Fri Jun 30 6:47:59 2006.

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked
at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white,
Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong
and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
From: rami on Fri Jun 30 7:28:35 2006.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
From: rami on Fri Jun 30 7:30:18 2006.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.. " "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
From: johntony on Fri Jun 30 17:25:14 2006.

ALL NICE ONES
From: johntony on Fri Jun 30 17:32:21 2006.

3 shots of whiskey

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
From: Ghlli on Fri Jun 30 17:41:45 2006.

wow all the jokes are hillarious!

i saw shekars post first....omg thank god my dad doesn't have a clue about the old testement

i should ask my biology teacher why her feet aint get filled up with blood and go red

now i can see how naughty my mum is

theres a greaky girl in my school who likes the jonah song....i shall ask her to do the same
From: johntony on Fri Jun 30 17:47:26 2006.

Salesman & boy

A salesman is trying to call a client.
The phone rings and their little boy, in a whisper, says, Hello.

SALESMAN: Is your mommy there?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) Yes.
SALESMAN: Can I speak with her?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) She's busy.
SALESMAN: Is your daddy there?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) Yes.
SALESMAN: Can I speak with him?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) He's busy.
SALESMAN: Is there anyone else there?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) The fire department.
SALESMAN: Can I talk to one of them?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) They're busy.
SALESMAN: Is there anybody else there?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) The police department.
SALESMAN: Well, can I talk to one of them?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) They're busy.

SALESMAN: Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department and the police department are all in your house, and they're all busy. What are they doing?

LITTLE BOY: (whisper) They're looking for me
From: Querida on Fri Jun 30 17:51:27 2006.

Classics!...still find them funny keep'em coming

*****************************************************

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
From: johntony on Fri Jun 30 18:00:48 2006.

From the minds of Children.....Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the they came up with:

Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the.........................bug is close.

It's always darkest before..............daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of............termites.

You can lead a horse to water but ...........how?

Don't bite the hand that.......................looks dirty.

No news is.........................impossible.

A miss is as good as a........................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog.....................math.

If you lie down with dogs, you.......will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust........................me.

The pen is mightier than......................the pigs.

An idle mind is......................the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there's..............pollution.

Happy is the bride who..................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is.........................not much.

Two is company, three's.....................The Musketeers.

None are so blind as.....................Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not..........spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed............get new batteries.

You get out of something what you.......see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind.................get out of the way.

There is no fool like...........................Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and......you have to blow your nose.
From: johntony on Fri Jun 30 18:05:08 2006.

nice Querida
From: johntony on Fri Jun 30 18:10:29 2006.

A guy walks into a bar...........
He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john.

he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.

after a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.
From: johntony on Fri Jun 30 18:22:36 2006.

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.
From: Querida on Fri Jun 30 18:24:09 2006.

ewwwwwwwwwwwwww! i liked the sayings by the kids....cute
From: johntony on Fri Jun 30 18:36:19 2006.

Devil's sister

Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.

The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer. Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"
From: johntony on Fri Jun 30 18:37:53 2006.

Agra Summit

Vajpayee and Musharraf meet up in Islamabad for talks on nuclear arms. When Vajpayee sits down he notices Musharraf 's chair has three buttons on the armrest. They begin talking but after 5 minutes Musharraf presses a button and a boxing gloves pops out of Vajpayee chair and bashes him on his face. Vajpayee, barely believing it, carries on talking but after another few minutes Musharraf presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the butt. Vajpayee is kicked off but still remains outwardly calm. They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Musharraf presses the final button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Vajpayee. The Indian PM is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. "We'll continue this talk Next Year in Agra" says the Prime Minister. Musharraf, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no. So the appointment stands. A year later Vajpayee receives Musharraf in Agra. As Musharraf sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Vajpayees chair. As the 20 min meeting goes on, Musharraf sees Vajpayee press the first button, and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This doesn't stop Vajpayee from laughing...really loudly. After this, Indian PM continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Musharraf reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Vajpayee falls out of his chair laughing.Musharraf doesn 't get it - what the hell is happening here? But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After A few minutes Indian PM presses the final button. This time, Musharraf stays sitting, but Vajpayee isn't, he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Musharraf is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, 0I'm going back to Pakistan " Vajpayee: (Through tears of laughter from the floor) - " PAKISTAN?? WHAT PAKISTAN??? DO YOU THINK IT'S STILL THERE??"
From: johntony on Fri Jun 30 18:44:13 2006.

The Good Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone...

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife..."What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied...
From: Querida on Fri Jun 30 18:52:03 2006.

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer"? The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!
From: johntony on Fri Jun 30 18:52:34 2006.

Santa & Banta

Bantaji joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Abey saale! Get me a coffee quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No", replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"

Bantaji shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"

"No.", replied the Managing Director.

"Good!", replied Bantaji and put down the phone!
From: johntony on Fri Jun 30 19:08:02 2006.

Couple's Coup

When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best? She answers: My husband's cheque book.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.Infact, I like your mother-in-law better than mine."

Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop.

A girl is like a road; the more curves she has the more dangerous she is!

Divorce has become so common that some couples should stay married just to be different.

Sardarji is not sleeping with his wife these days because somebody had told him that it is wrong to sleep with married women.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
From: johntony on Fri Jun 30 19:09:30 2006.

Couple's Coup

When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best? She answers: My husband's cheque book.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.Infact, I like your mother-in-law better than mine."

Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop.

A girl is like a road; the more curves she has the more dangerous she is!

Divorce has become so common that some couples should stay married just to be different.

Sardarji is not sleeping with his wife these days because somebody had told him that it is wrong to sleep with married women.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
From: johntony on Fri Jun 30 19:17:27 2006.

The Test

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications.

In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
From: ramky on Fri Jun 30 19:21:54 2006.

.
Email ids of Bollywood actors and actresses !

AbhishekBacchan: I_can_act_too@yuva.com

AmitabhBacchan: accept_any_role@after.kaunbanegacrorepati.tv

AnilKapoor: expert@copyingsouthindianmovies.com

SalmanKhan: why_do_I_always_get_into_trouble@needagirlfriend.com

ShahRukhKhan: over_emotions@mostmovies.com

RamGopalVarma: same_formula@bombayunderworld.co.in

SunilShetty: hoping_to_be@indianarnold.com

AamirKhan: whats_up_with_the_hairstyle@mangalpande.com

AamirKhan (alternateaddress): married_or_not@toomanyaffairs.com

SaifAliKhan: goofy_roles@suitsmeperfect.com

HritikRoshan: main_aisa_kyon_hoon@howtheheckdoweknow.com

HritikRoshan (alternateaddress): main_aisa_kyon_hoon@askyourdad.com

AjayDevgan: finally_I_started_to_act@aftersomanyyears.com

BobbyDeol: noone_thinks_I_can_act@getanotherjob.com

Sunny Deol: He is still busy fighting Pakistani soldiers. Mail address is a secret.

Urmila: ramgopalvarma_has_forgotten_me@nomorerangeela.com

MallikaSherawat: I_dont_need_to_act@overexposureworks.com

AmishaPatel: Kaho_na_pyaar_hai@wasmyonlyhit.com

KareenaKapoor: oh_iam_so_cute_and_talented@nobodyelsethinksso.com

Raveena Tandon: waiting_for_third_umpire@stumped.com
From: ramky on Sat Jul 1 8:06:25 2006.

Sardarji vs Pakistani !

A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.

Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'

Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.

'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'

The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'

From: Alan on Sat Jul 1 11:01:10 2006.

ramky wrote:

.
Email ids of Bollywood actors and actresses !

AbhishekBacchan: I_can_act_too@yuva.com

AmitabhBacchan: accept_any_role@after.kaunbanegacrorepati.tv

AnilKapoor: expert@copyingsouthindianmovies.com

SalmanKhan: why_do_I_always_get_into_trouble@needagirlfriend.com

ShahRukhKhan: over_emotions@mostmovies.com

RamGopalVarma: same_formula@bombayunderworld.co.in

SunilShetty: hoping_to_be@indianarnold.com

AamirKhan: whats_up_with_the_hairstyle@mangalpande.com

AamirKhan (alternateaddress): married_or_not@toomanyaffairs.com

SaifAliKhan: goofy_roles@suitsmeperfect.com

HritikRoshan: main_aisa_kyon_hoon@howtheheckdoweknow.com

HritikRoshan (alternateaddress): main_aisa_kyon_hoon@askyourdad.com

AjayDevgan: finally_I_started_to_act@aftersomanyyears.com

BobbyDeol: noone_thinks_I_can_act@getanotherjob.com

Sunny Deol: He is still busy fighting Pakistani soldiers. Mail address is a secret.

Urmila: ramgopalvarma_has_forgotten_me@nomorerangeela.com

MallikaSherawat: I_dont_need_to_act@overexposureworks.com

AmishaPatel: Kaho_na_pyaar_hai@wasmyonlyhit.com

KareenaKapoor: oh_iam_so_cute_and_talented@nobodyelsethinksso.com

Raveena Tandon: waiting_for_third_umpire@stumped.com

Too good!

From: johntony on Sat Jul 1 14:06:11 2006.

all are nice
From: johntony on Sat Jul 1 14:14:24 2006.

A Ph.D. student, a post-doc, and their professor

A Ph.D. student, a post-doc, and their professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the Ph.D. student.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other."
Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the professor.

The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."
From: johntony on Sat Jul 1 14:28:34 2006.

Some Funny Disorders In The Court

Things people actually said in court, word for word:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well I can see pretty well I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
From: johntony on Sat Jul 1 15:11:16 2006.

An Atheist

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a Christian."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.

"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."
From: johntony on Sat Jul 1 15:18:11 2006.

No Great Loss

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
From: Querida on Sun Jul 2 17:34:44 2006.

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahua as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
From: NOV on Tue Jul 4 21:36:18 2006.

Why men are happier than woman

#.They let wedding plans take care of themselves.

#.They can become the President of India.

#.they can never get Pregnant.

#.They can wear a white T-Shirt, or no shirt, to a water park

#.They don't have to stop and find out how to turn a nut on a bolt

#.They thinks wrinkles add Character.

#.They buy a vEshti set for about $100. A woman buys a wedding saree for $5000 for wearing once in their life time.

#.They are fine with the occasional well-rendered belch

#.New shoes dont cut, blister or mangle their feet.

#.They can open their own jars.

#.They get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

#.They cannot see wrinkles in their clothes.

#.everything on their -face stays its original colour.

#.The same hairstyle lasts for years or decades.

#.Their belly usually hides their big hips.

#.They have one wallet and one pair of shoes in one colour for all
seasons.

#.they can "do" their nails with a pocket knife.

#.they can grow a moustache anytime.
From: madhu on Tue Jul 4 21:56:30 2006.

Quote:

They can open their own jars.

adhu.... adhu....
From: Querida on Tue Jul 4 22:20:41 2006.

Quote:

They can become the President of India.

this can make men happy?

*****************************************************

What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: "Lazy."

Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life
From: Alan on Tue Jul 4 22:25:43 2006.

Honesty!

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive! electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - Next!"
From: Braandan on Wed Jul 5 1:33:53 2006.

What do you mean "Man can become President of India"?
There is no rule in India that the President should be a man! It is open to women too, should have completed 35 years (now there is a benefit of doubt in that!!!)
From: NOV on Wed Jul 5 2:32:15 2006.

Braandan wrote:

It is open to women too, should have completed 35 years (now there is a benefit of doubt in that!!!)
you mean SHE would have to admit to be at least 35?
Now which woman would do that?
From: Ghlli on Wed Jul 5 4:33:09 2006.
From: mgb on Fri Jul 7 9:39:26 2006.

Sardarji applys for a birth certificate for his kid.

Sardar: Mother - Sikh, Father - Sikh, Kid - Chinese

Clerk: How come you say 'Kid - Chinese' when both the parents are Sikh

Sardar: Newspaper says, "every 4th person born on the earth now is a chinese"
From: mgb on Fri Jul 7 9:51:49 2006.

Sardarji's friend: Have ever read 'Shakespeare' ?

Sardarji: No. Who wrote it?
From: mgb on Fri Jul 7 9:56:30 2006.

Sardarji's friend: Sardarji.. what is the matter? why are you sad?

Sardarji: I lost Rs.800 in a bet on cricket match yesterday.

Sardarji's friend: But you bet Rs.500 only no

Sardarji: Arey yaar.. I bet Rs.300 on the highlights and lost that too..
From: Querida on Fri Jul 7 21:21:41 2006.

I don't know what's funnier your joke or the fact that someone is touching Rajini's nose
*****************************************************

Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
From: TamilMoon on Sat Jul 8 11:34:23 2006.

From: Lambretta on Sat Jul 8 14:13:31 2006.

mgb wrote:

Sardarji applys for a birth certificate for his kid.

Sardar: Mother - Sikh, Father - Sikh, Kid - Chinese

Clerk: How come you say 'Kid - Chinese' when both the parents are Sikh

Sardar: Newspaper says, "every 4th person born on the earth now is a chinese"

Good one!

From: Braandan on Sat Jul 8 23:36:34 2006.

One chain letter sample:

Dear Friends,

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your female friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up the man in your life, send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the following list, and then add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, of whom one may be well worth keeping. An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between a Chippendale dancer and an Olympic swimmer.

You can be lucky, too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back!

So let's keep it going, ladies! Just add your name and address to the list below:

Laura Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C
From: ramky on Sun Jul 9 0:56:48 2006.

.
Importance of punctuations..

( this letter shows how, by altering the punctuations or their postions, the entire meaning or intention of the writer changes ! )

Dear Mother,

In law, there is nothing to make me say thank you, but the quality of your gifts compels me at least to write to tell you how I feel. Thank you so much for the presents! I was expecting nothing more than a token yet, again, you have exceeded even your own incredible standards. It was a shame you had to stay here for such a short time. I thought I might have coped, but it was unbearable seeing you leave. The relief was immense when I heard we might see you again soon. I wanted to end it all by saying goodbye now. I hope I will not have to say it to you again for a long time. If you have the opportunity to spend Christmas elsewhere next year, please do not.

Much love

Matthew

------------------------

Dear Mother-in-Law,

There is nothing to make me say thank you, but the quality of your gifts compels me at least to write to tell you how I feel. Thank you? So much for the presents I was expecting. Nothing more than a token, yet again! You have exceeded even your own incredible standards. It was a shame you had to stay here. For such a short time, I thought I might have coped, but it was unbearable. Seeing you leave, the relief was immense. When I heard we might see you again soon, I wanted to end it all. By saying goodbye now, I hope I will not have to say it to you again for a long time. If you have the opportunity to spend Christmas elsewhere next year, please do.

Not much love

Matthew

Safety Pin kurippu - intha kadithathai naanO illai en manaiviyO
yaarukkum ezhuthavillai endru therivikkirEn !
From: malsi on Sun Jul 9 2:27:35 2006.

hahahahah..good one ramky !!!
From: ramky on Sun Jul 9 3:10:00 2006.

malsi :

Gundoosi kurippu : AnAl, saththiyama naan sonna Safety Pin kurippu unmayE !
From: NOV on Sun Jul 9 8:45:12 2006.

nice one
From: RP on Sun Jul 9 13:34:33 2006.

-removed-
adult content
From: temporary sori-Observer on Sun Jul 9 14:05:13 2006.

ramky wrote:

Safety Pin kurippu - intha kadithathai naanO illai en manaiviyO
yaarukkum ezhuthavillai endru therivikkirEn !

Ramky!
Neenga kalyaaNam aanavaraa!
From: johntony on Sun Jul 9 14:22:10 2006.

Food and Health

And God populated the earth with broccoli
and cauliflower and spinach,
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's.

And McDonald's brought forth the
99-cent double-cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man,
"You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them."
And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt,
that woman might keep her figure
that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate.
And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream.
And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart
healthy vegetables and olive oil with
which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried
steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his
bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and
Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV
with remote control so Man would
not have to toil to change channels
between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.

And God said,
"You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato,
a vegetable naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin
and sliced the starchy center into chips
and deep-fat fried them.

And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control
and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created
quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's
From: johntony on Sun Jul 9 14:23:49 2006.

A Jewish father was concerned about his son. He was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but the father saw him to be sorely lacking in his knowledge of his Jewish background and the history of his faith.

To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel. A year later the young man returned home.

"Father,thank you for sending me to the land of our fathers," the son said. "It was a wonderful and enlightening experience. However, I hope you will not be too upset when I tell you that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."

The father's distress knew no bounds. "Oi vey," he cried. "What have I done?"

In the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace.

"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."

Together in their despair and grief, they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he, too, returned a Christian!

What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this problem to our God."

They prostrated themselves and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a mighty voice said, "Amazing that you should come to me. I, too, sent my son to Israel........"
From: johntony on Sun Jul 9 14:32:30 2006.

Two female friends die together in a car accident. As they enter heaven, Peter says, "There's just one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."

As you can imagine, there were ducks all over heaven. When one of the women steps on one, Peter appears along with the ugliest man she ever saw and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity with this man.

After seeing what happened to her friend, the other woman is very careful to avoid stepping on ducks. One day Peter approaches her with the most handsome man she ever saw, and he chains the man to her.

"Oh, my," she says. "I don't know what I could have done to deserve a man like you."

To which the man replied, "I don't know about you, lady, but I stepped on a duck."
From: LydiaRajan on Mon Jul 10 2:33:32 2006.

SARDARJI JOKES
the Great
You should be sure the person is Sardar when he:

puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to make up his mind.

gets stabbed in a shoot-out.

sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.

tries to drown a fish in water.

thinks socialism means partying.

trips over a cordless phone.

takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts
"Sagittarius.".

studies for a blood test and fails.

sells the car for gas money.

misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.

drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and
goes home.

gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.
From: NOV on Tue Jul 11 22:35:53 2006.

One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America.

A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing?" Singh answered, "No, I am Banta Singh".

Another guy came and asked the him the same question. Singh answered, "No No Me Banta Singh!"

Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?"

The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."

Banta Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and your are sitting over here!"
From: Lambretta on Wed Jul 12 7:39:23 2006.

Good one, NOV!
I rem. my parents telling me a similar joke (they seemed to suggest it was actually true) abt a famous sportsman named Milka Singh....
From: Lambretta on Wed Jul 12 7:41:28 2006.

Not typically a joke tat can be read but the pic. says it all :

http://www.classiccarsrotting.com/ccrtour3/make_3349.html

Altho I do feel sorry 4 tat car, I cant help findin it so funny!
From: Alan on Wed Jul 12 10:54:56 2006.

Three Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that
Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of
the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in
hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
From: johntony on Wed Jul 12 20:54:37 2006.
From: Shekhar on Thu Jul 13 6:59:46 2006.

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, and a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
From: Braandan on Sat Jul 15 20:42:07 2006.

From Arcamax:

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"
From: Alan on Sun Jul 16 0:10:10 2006.

Thanks for the laugh, Braandan!
From: ramky on Sun Jul 16 0:46:45 2006.

NOV & Lydia Rajan : intha kondai mamakkaLin imsaigaLai patri sonnatharku nandri

LydiaRajan wrote:

SARDARJI JOKES
---------------

At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts
"Sagittarius.".

Lydia Rajan : this line is a contradiction bcos Sagittarians are supposed to be one of the most Sagacious of all the sunsigns so next time, you can put some other sunsign where Sardarjis are concerned

From: Braandan on Sun Jul 16 20:18:41 2006.

ramky wrote:

NOV & Lydia Rajan : Laughing

intha kondai mamakkaLin imsaigaLai patri sonnatharku nandri Razz

LydiaRajan wrote:

SARDARJI JOKES
---------------

At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts
"Sagittarius.".

Lydia Rajan : this line is a contradiction Not That Way

bcos Sagittarians are supposed to be one of the most Sagacious Exactly

of all the sunsigns Razz

so next time, you can put some other sunsign where Sardarjis are concerned Smile2

Kondai maamakkal anbaarnthavargaL! UzhaipaaLikaL.. joke-odu sari.. I love them.. Naan avargaLudan velai seithirukkirean, neenda varudangal vaazhnthirukkirean.. They are a lovable lot.. dayavu seithu avargaLai verukkaatheergaL. Ippothum, thanakku pirakkum pillaigaLil oru pillayai raaNuvathirkkaaga kudukkum thaaymaargal avargaLil irukkiraargaL.

From: LydiaRajan on Sun Jul 16 21:08:08 2006.

Ennappa ithu, Summa jokes thane.....
I too know that they are really good & inteligent people. Eatho Sardar jokesinnu namakku pazhaki pochu, Veenum na Sardar specify panra eduthale enpera pottu padinga...........Kodumai innum konja athigama irrukum......
They are so good that if they come to know about our torture in putting jokes on them , they will say

"Engala Vechi Nalu peru siricha athu Perumapada vendiya vishiyam thane'.............
From: Shekhar on Mon Jul 17 0:00:34 2006.

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked."Love."

The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."
From: Shekhar on Mon Jul 17 0:11:16 2006.

One night 4 MBA students were boozing late night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and wierd as they could with grease and dirt. They then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and lthey had to push the car all the way lback and that lthey were in no condtion to appear for the test. So the dean said they can have the retest after three days. They said they will be ready by that time. On the third day lthey appeared before the dean. The dean said that this was a special condition test. All the four were required to sit in separate class rooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days.

The test consisted of two questions with total of hundred marks.

Q .1. YOUR NAME .........................( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. WHICH TYRE BURST ...............( 98 MARKS ).

a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right ....!!!
From: Badri on Mon Jul 17 1:01:24 2006.

Don't know if this has been posted here already, but the great joke is this was actually fowarded to me by my wife, bless her!!!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
From: venkathoney on Mon Jul 17 5:36:54 2006.

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the
room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and
decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the
teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what
a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar
bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for
it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
From: Alan on Mon Jul 17 12:13:52 2006.

Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender
>roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan
>conflict.
>
>She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their
>husbands.
>
>She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk
>behind
>their husbands.
>From Ms. Walters's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the
>oppressive Taliban regime,
>the women now seem to Walk even further back behind their husbands
>and
>are happy to maintain the old custom.
>
>Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
>"Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried
>so
>desperately to change?"
>
>The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without
>hesitation, said, "Land mines."
>
>MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN
From: Alan on Mon Jul 17 12:15:18 2006.

Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender
>roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan
>conflict.
>
>She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their
>husbands.
>
>She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk
>behind
>their husbands.
>From Ms. Walters's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the
>oppressive Taliban regime,
>the women now seem to Walk even further back behind their husbands
>and
>are happy to maintain the old custom.
>
>Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
>"Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried
>so
>desperately to change?"
>
>The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without
>hesitation, said, "Land mines."
>
>MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN
From: madhu on Mon Jul 17 18:08:38 2006.

Got it from a friend...

A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in love with a
guy who was a cleaner.

When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not like it at
all, and so began to protest about it.

Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a
happy future. The girl's father started searching for the two lovers but
could not find them.

At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in

a local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will allow you
to marry the guy you love, I accept that you loved each other truly."

So in this way, their love won and they returned home. The couple went to
town to shop for the wedding dress. He was dressed in white shirt that day.
While he was crossing the road to the other side to get some drinks for his
wife, a car came and hit him and he died on the spot. The girl lost her
senses. It was only after sometimes that she recovered from her shock. The
funeral and cremation was the very

next day because he had died horribly.

Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an

old lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood stains of the

guy from her daughter's dress as soon as possible. But her mother
ignored the dream.

The next night her father had the same dream, he also ignored it.

Then when the girl had the same dream the next night, she woke up in fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked her to wash the clothes which have blood stains immediately. She washed the stains but some remained.

Next night she again had the same dream she again washed the stains but some still remained.

Next night she again had the same dream and this time the old lady gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain, or else something
terrible will happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the stains, and the clothes nearly tore, but some stains still remained.

She was very tired.

In the late evening the same day while she was alone at home,

someone knocked the door. When she opened the door she saw the same old lady
of her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted.

The old lady woke her up... and gave her a blue object, which shocked the girl. She asked "What is this...?"

The old lady replied...

"Try Surf Excel Washing powder... just a dab and it will remove all stubborn stains!!!"
From: muruku on Mon Jul 17 18:20:41 2006.
From: Braandan on Mon Jul 17 20:22:02 2006.

kadikku oru aLavu irukku.. ippadiyaa?
From: Braandan on Tue Jul 18 7:35:20 2006.

Courtesy: Arcamax

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)

- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

- Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

- Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

- Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

- The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

- Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

- When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

- Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.

- Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.

- St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.

- He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".

- It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

- The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.

- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

- One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

- A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
From: NOV on Tue Jul 18 21:33:08 2006.

How does your name look like in Japanese?

Take each letter of your name and substitute
it with the Japanese sound to the right of the letter.
Names might be kinda long.

A- ka * B- zu * C- mi * D- te * E- ku * F- lu *
G- ji * H- ri * I- ki * J- zu * K- me * L- ta *
M- rin * N- to * O-mo * P- no * Q- ke * R- shi *
S- ari * T- chi * U- do * V- ru * W- mei * X- na *
Y- fu * Z- zi

JAPANESE NAMES:
1) Raj ---> shikazu (kikiki...nice..)
2) Aida ---> kakiteka (wow...cool..)
3) Azlan ---> kazitakato (hahaha...gila)
4)Anbarasi--->Katozukashikaariki( Aiyoooh)
From: P_R on Wed Jul 19 1:28:12 2006.

Dear tomoru, that was really crazy !

-noshikazurido shikarin

From: rami on Wed Jul 19 1:44:33 2006.

NOV wrote:

How does your name look like in Japanese?
Very Happy

Take each letter of your name and substitute
it with the Japanese sound to the right of the letter.
Names might be kinda long.

A- ka * B- zu * C- mi * D- te * E- ku * F- lu *
G- ji * H- ri * I- ki * J- zu * K- me * L- ta *
M- rin * N- to * O-mo * P- no * Q- ke * R- shi *
S- ari * T- chi * U- do * V- ru * W- mei * X- na *
Y- fu * Z- zi

JAPANESE NAMES:
1) Raj ---> shikazu (kikiki...nice..)
2) Aida ---> kakiteka (wow...cool..)
3) Azlan ---> kazitakato (hahaha...gila)
4)Anbarasi--->Katozukashikaariki( Aiyoooh)

Shikarinfuka .. Thats kool ..

From: NOV on Wed Jul 19 20:45:55 2006.

Women's thoughts wrote:

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

Women's thoughts wrote:

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

Women's thoughts wrote:

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch... do it and die."

Women's thoughts wrote:

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

Women's thoughts wrote:

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

Women's thoughts wrote:

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Women's thoughts wrote:

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it.

Women's thoughts wrote:

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Women's thoughts wrote:

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

Women's thoughts wrote:

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

From: NOV on Thu Jul 20 4:58:16 2006.

Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she
spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a
very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Cristiano
Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor
man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white
England shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and
fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two
reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs,
beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat
along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they
heard frantic calling .......

It was the Queen calling them to the ya
On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and
said to Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard (for it was they)

"I will give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the
England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my
England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for
sportsmanship to other countries."

She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth
and knows everything an all that about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows nothing about shark fishing.

How's the bait holding up?"
From: pavalamani pragasam on Thu Jul 20 5:30:28 2006.

Moron: I haven't slept all nite in the train.
Friend : Why
Moron: Got upper berth.
Friend why did you not changed
Moron :Oye, there was nobody to exchange the lower berth.

Moron tells a girl "Come to my house at nite, nobody will be there.............
Girl goes at night and really nobody was there

Moron went to a BANK to open a S.B. A/C.
After seeing the Form He had gone to DELHI for filling up.
You know why
FORM say " FILL UP IN CAPITAL ".

A Moron invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered huge Loss.
Do u know what the business was?
He opened a Hair Cutting Saloon in Punjab!

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India
After every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.
A Moron stands up- we must find that woman and stop her immediately!.

Moron-why are all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Moron-If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running

19 MoronS WENT TO SEE A FILM.
ON ASKING THEM THEY CAME IN A BIG GROUP OF 19?
THEY REPLIED THAT THE FILM WAS ONLY FOR ABOVE 18...

Moron was filling up application form for a job.
He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote : Yes!

One Moronji professor asked a plumber to come to his college.
You know Why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...

Santa! Your daughter has died!
Depressed, Moron jumps from 100th floor
At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!
At 25flr:I'm unmarried!
At 10flr:I'm Banta not Santa

Moron found the answer to the most difficult question ever
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.

Moron wins 20 Crore from Rs. 20 lottery ticket.
Dealer gave 11 Crore after deducting tax.
Angry Moron: "Give me 20 Crores or else return my 20 Rs back.!

Moron proposed a Girl......
Girl said 'I'm 1 Year elder to you'...........
Moron said 'Oye No Problem Soniye,I'll marry you NEXT YEAR.

Moron & his wife buy coffee in a shop.
Moron says... Drink quickly......
Wife asks why...
Moron says hot coffee Rs 5 and cold coffee Rs 10

Moron's wish :when i die,i wana die lik my grandpa
who died peacefuly in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving..

Flash news: A two seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab.
Local Morons have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..

A man asked Moronji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning.
Moronji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.

Moronji was standing in front of the mirror with hiseyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing ?
He said- I am seeing how I look while sleeping.
From: Badri on Thu Jul 20 20:19:51 2006.

Hmm, I really don't know what to say!

All these are standard Sardarji jokes and this Find - Replace All of Sardar to Moron is highly

PP Maam
From: NOV on Thu Jul 20 20:24:27 2006.

badri, on the contrary I found it cute that PP mam want to be politically correct but missed some obvious ones like punjab, banta, santa, etc.
From: Badri on Thu Jul 20 20:26:17 2006.

Yes NOV, the intention was to be politically correct, but it has now turned out to be disastrous!!!
From: Braandan on Fri Jul 21 0:01:35 2006.

freeya vudu freeya vudu freeya vudu maame....
From: rachel on Fri Jul 21 1:08:13 2006.
From: NOV on Fri Jul 21 3:50:26 2006.

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line .

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your mother

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty
And so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling you lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
From: rami on Fri Jul 21 4:54:17 2006.
From: rami on Fri Jul 21 4:57:00 2006.

Father Murphy wants to raise money for his church and he has heard that there is a fortune to be made in horse racing.

However, he does not have enough money to buy a horse, so he decides to buy a donkey instead and enters him in a race. To his surprise the donkey comes third. The headline on the sports page reads, "Priest's Ass Shows."

Father Murphy enters it in another race and this time it wins. The headline reads, "Priest's Ass Out Front."

The bishop is so upset by this kind of publicity that he orders Father Murphy not to race his donkey again. The headline reads: "Bishop Scratches Priest's Ass."

This is too much for the bishop. So he orders Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. He gives it to Sister Theresa. And the headline reads, "Nun Has Best Ass In Town."

The bishop faints. He then informs Sister Theresa that she must dispose of the donkey. She sells it to Paddy for ten dollars. The next day the bishop is found dead on the dining room table with a newspaper clutched in his hand. The headline reads, "Nun Sells Her Ass For Ten Bucks."
From: rami on Fri Jul 21 7:47:54 2006.

Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.

It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
From: ssanjinika on Fri Jul 21 10:33:53 2006.

@rami
From: Alan on Fri Jul 21 23:24:40 2006.

oooops!!!!
From: Shekhar on Sat Jul 22 0:55:43 2006.

NOV wrote:

badri, on the contrary I found it cute that PP mam want to be politically correct but missed some obvious ones like punjab, banta, santa, etc.

Hey! forget about being politically correct or not. Isn't it just great that PP mam tell jokes!!
From: NOV on Sun Jul 23 11:55:50 2006.

I'm pretty sure she must have seen jokers aplenty throughout her life..
From: Shekhar on Mon Jul 24 0:23:16 2006.

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to
move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an
engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because
you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Mon Jul 24 9:46:30 2006.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes"

Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "$65,000."

Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

Man: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
From: ajithfederer on Mon Jul 24 19:43:10 2006.

good one ss

From: NOV on Tue Jul 25 21:32:57 2006.

Haha wrote:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Haha wrote:

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Haha wrote:

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I
don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said,"Why can't they play at night?"

Haha wrote:

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Haha wrote:

The graduate with a science degree
asks,"Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Haha wrote:

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Haha wrote:

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Haha wrote:

An engineer was crossing the road one day,
when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me I'll back turn into a beautiful princess" He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for a week" The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want me to" Again the engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want me to.
Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool"

From: Braandan on Wed Jul 26 20:12:45 2006.

Old joke about engineering students.

One sees his classmate has a new bicyle. "You bought a new bicyle?". Answer:"No, yesterday I was walking on a lonely path in the campus, when I met this beautiful girl with this bike coming my way. She stopped, got down from the bicycle, took off all her clothes and said "Take anything you want". The clothes did not fit me, so I took the bicycle".
From: NOV on Sat Jul 29 8:42:51 2006.

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."

"But why ?" asked the judge.

She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."

The judge asked, "How do you know ?"

She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
From: NOV on Sat Jul 29 8:43:13 2006.

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said,
"One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."

"Samy! But he is your enemy !"

"Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
From: NOV on Sat Jul 29 8:43:30 2006.

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "

The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
From: NOV on Sat Jul 29 8:44:03 2006.

" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
" Why, Dad ? Tell me why!"

Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
From: NOV on Sat Jul 29 8:44:22 2006.

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
From: NOV on Sat Jul 29 8:44:37 2006.

One woman told another : "My neighbor is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
From: NOV on Sat Jul 29 8:44:57 2006.

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
From: NOV on Sat Jul 29 8:45:18 2006.

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."

One of his friends asked." And when you are angry, what do you do?"

The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
From: NOV on Sat Jul 29 8:45:55 2006.

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out:

"Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.

"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"

The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."
From: NOV on Sat Jul 29 8:46:15 2006.

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"

He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

"But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.
From: ramky on Sun Jul 30 2:05:39 2006.

.

Windows98 would have been called Jannal thonnoothi ettu, if Bill Gates had been born in Chennai !

The Menu Options would have been as follows :

Save = vechukO
Save as = Aiyye, apdiyea vechukO
Save All = allaathaium vechukO
Help = odhavu
Find = paaru
Find Again = innoru dhaba paaru
Move = appla pO
Mail = pOstu
Mailer = pOsttuman
Zoom = perisa kaattu
Zoom Out = velila vanthu persaa kaattu
Open = theraa naina
Close = pothikO
New = pucchu
Old = paLasu
Replace = itha thooki athle pOdu, athe thooki ithle pOdu
Run = Odu naina
Execute = kollu
Print = pOster pOdu
Print Preview = paathu pOster pOdu
Cut = vettu - kuthu
Copy = E-adichan kaapi
Paste = ottu
Paste Special = nalla echcha thottu ottu
Delete = keechidu
virus = mamiyar kodumai
View = look-vudu
Tools = spannaru
Toolsbar = spanner settu
Spreadsheet = perisheetu
Database = Dabbaa
Exit = odra dei
Compress = amukki-pOdu
Mouse = eli
Click = pOtu saathu
Double click = rendu dhabaa pOtu saathu
Scrollbar = ingE angE alathadi
Pay Per View = dhudukku bayascOppu
Next = appaala
Previous = munaangatti
Trash bin = koovam aaru
Solitaire = mangaatha
Drag & hold = nallaa isthu pudi
Do you want to delete selected item? = MaiyalumE thukirava?
Do you want to move selected item? = MaiyalumE kadasidava?
Do you want to save selected item? = MaiyalumE vachukkava?
Abort, Retry, Ignore = Ishtam illati uttudu
Yes, No, Cancel = ippa innaa sollikeerE nee
General protection fault = Gaali
Access denied = Kai veche keechiduvEn
Unrecoverable error = Bada bejarpa
Operation illegal = bEmani... Saavu grakki..Kasmaalam..

IdhaammE jannal thonnoothi ettu!

N.B. : this may have been posted @ hub b4, if so treat this as a refresher course
From: Alan on Sun Jul 30 10:45:09 2006.

>Did you hear about the Englishman, Australian and Irishman who were
>exploring some remote jungle in Africa when they were captured by a tribe
>of cannibals.
>The chief cannibal said, "Now look here gentlemen, (cos he had been
>educated at the London School of Economics) I am a fair minded man and if
>you can pass two simple tests you can go free, the first part of the test
>is to go into the jungle separately and each of you is to bring back 10
>specimens of the same kind of fruit, and then I will tell you what part two
>of the test is to be.
>
>So off go the three in separate directions and soon the Englishman returns
>with 10 pomegranate.
>
>The chief said, "Well done, part two of the test is to push them all up
>your backside without wincing or pulling a face". The Englishman got the
>first pomegranate safely up but the second one hurt him and he was spotted
>pulling a face and Killed.
>
>
>
>The Australian came back with 10 small berries and was duly told what to do
>with them, which he proceeded to do. He had got as far as the 9th berry
>when he burst out laughing and was killed.
>A short while later he and the Englishman met up in heaven and started
>swapping stories, the Englishman said "But you were doing so well why did
>you start laughing"?
>The Aussie said, "Well I only had one more berry to go when the bloody
>Irishman walked back into the clearing carrying 10 pineapples".

From: nilavupriyan on Sun Jul 30 11:26:08 2006.

Alan wrote:

>Did you hear about the Englishman, Australian and Irishman who were
>exploring some remote jungle in Africa when they were captured by a tribe
>of cannibals.
>The chief cannibal said, "Now look here gentlemen, (cos he had been
>educated at the London School of Economics) I am a fair minded man and if
>you can pass two simple tests you can go free, the first part of the test
>is to go into the jungle separately and each of you is to bring back 10
>specimens of the same kind of fruit, and then I will tell you what part two
>of the test is to be.
>
>So off go the three in separate directions and soon the Englishman returns
>with 10 pomegranate.
>
>The chief said, "Well done, part two of the test is to push them all up
>your backside without wincing or pulling a face". The Englishman got the
>first pomegranate safely up but the second one hurt him and he was spotted
>pulling a face and Killed.
>
>
>
>The Australian came back with 10 small berries and was duly told what to do
>with them, which he proceeded to do. He had got as far as the 9th berry
>when he burst out laughing and was killed.
>A short while later he and the Englishman met up in heaven and started
>swapping stories, the Englishman said "But you were doing so well why did
>you start laughing"?
>The Aussie said, "Well I only had one more berry to go when the bloody
>Irishman walked back into the clearing carrying 10 pineapples".

From: Alan on Mon Jul 31 8:04:12 2006.

Manager said to an employee:
"Do you believe in life after Death?"

EMPLOYEE:
"Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.

MANAGER:
"Well, there is now.
After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, he came
here looking for you !!
From: Alan on Mon Jul 31 8:05:20 2006.

Manager said to an employee:
"Do you believe in life after Death?"

EMPLOYEE:
"Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.

MANAGER:
"Well, there is now.
After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, he came
here looking for you !!

From: Lambretta on Mon Jul 31 9:11:11 2006.

Alan wrote:

Manager said to an employee:
"Do you believe in life after Death?"

EMPLOYEE:
"Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.

MANAGER:
"Well, there is now.
After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, he came
here looking for you !!

This onez good!

From: NOV on Thu Aug 3 4:11:59 2006.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should
keep the chips and dip coming.

- Alan, age 10

2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with.

- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
by then.

- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.

- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids.

- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.

- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough.

- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.

- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that.

- Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed
out.

- Theodore, age 8

(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.

- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck.

- Ricky, age 10
From: NOV on Thu Aug 3 22:12:11 2006.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for
ten million bucks.This bookkeeper is deaf, and it was considered an
occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it
was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything
and never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to
shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he
brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you
embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the
bookkeeper where the money is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I
don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol,
puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him
again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you
don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?
From: Alan on Fri Aug 4 0:42:21 2006.

brilliant, NOV!
From: ramky on Fri Aug 4 13:39:04 2006.

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
From: Alan on Sat Aug 5 0:19:11 2006.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!

From: Lambretta on Sat Aug 5 4:58:18 2006.

ramky wrote:

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

And we thot only our police/law r corrupt/ineffective....

From: NOV on Tue Aug 8 20:29:50 2006.

YOU ARE AN INDIAN IF.....

1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes.

2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminium foil.

3. You try to eject food particles from between your teeth by pressing your tongue against them and making
a peculiar noise like,tshick,tshick, tschick, tschick.

4. You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.

5. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it's normal.

6. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to mark up.

7. You recycle Wedding Gifts.

8. You name your children in rhythms (example, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam)

9. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.

10. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No Food Allowed"

11. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.

12. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.

13. You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.

14. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think, but they won't let you do certain
things because of what the other "Uncles and Aunties" will think.

15. You buy and display crockery, which is for special occasions,which never happen.

16. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.

17. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.

18. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.

19. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with some household items).

20. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).

21. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.

22. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

23. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old.(And they prefer it that way).

24. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.

25. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.

26. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are travelling by bus, train orplane.

27. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light.

28. You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.

29. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.

30. You call an older person you never met before "uncle."

31. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.

32. Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs
when making foreign calls.

33. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty.

34. It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.

35. All your Tupperware is stained with food color.

36. You have drinking glasses made of steel.

37. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.

38. You have really enjoyed reading this mail - forward it to as many Indians as possible.
From: Surya on Tue Aug 8 20:42:32 2006.

Nov-u Nov-u!
From: NOV on Tue Aug 8 20:48:22 2006.

Surya, I dont know about the rest, but you are living proof of No. 38.
From: Surya on Tue Aug 8 20:56:11 2006.

I'm forwarding as we speak!
From: hi on Thu Aug 10 4:14:27 2006.

[1] No Love Bite
A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"

He moved over and sat close to her.

"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight.

"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."

[2] Travel Specials
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special.

He told me I would fly from New York to London.

Then from Tokyo back to New York.

I asked him.. "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?"
He told me "That is why we give you 21 days."

[3] Return of Wife
A man talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding
anniversary. The friend asked, "What did you do for your 25th?"

He said, "I took my wife to Hawaii."

The friend then asked, "What are you thinking about for your 50th?" He said, "Well I was thinking of bringing her back."

[4] Engineers
What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons.

Civil engineers build targets.

[5] Call Back Later
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the 3 times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Women!!)

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site,
immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap,
while the man was trying to ask why?

She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.

The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, junior said "the number you are Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment. Please Try Again Later".

[6] Wish Comes True
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she
leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband
was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works ! "
From: Alan on Thu Aug 10 6:59:49 2006.

I like the first one the best! Too cute!
From: Alan on Thu Aug 10 11:45:45 2006.

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender...

*Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

*Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

*A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

*A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

*Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

*A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

*A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

*An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

*A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

*A Remote Control is Female. Had you fooled! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
From: Alan on Thu Aug 10 11:46:23 2006.

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender...

*Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

*Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

*A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

*A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

*Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

*A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

*A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

*An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

*A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

*A Remote Control is Female. Had you fooled! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
From: Alan on Thu Aug 10 11:46:55 2006.

I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag ofPurina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
From: mgb on Fri Aug 11 6:26:36 2006.

KIDS IN GRADE SCHOOL THINK FAST

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: "I IS - "
TEACHER: No, Ellen.... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day, sametime."

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,but also admitted doing it Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to...my mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Morris, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
From: Alan on Fri Aug 11 11:25:45 2006.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
From: Alan on Sat Aug 12 3:01:47 2006.

>
> An English guy is having breakfast in Paris, one morning (coffee,
>croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum,
>sits down next to him. ?The English guy ignores the Frenchman who,
>nevertheless, starts a conversation.
>
> Frenchman: "You English eat the whole bread?"
>
> English guy (in a bad mood): "Of course."
>
> Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only
>eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
>transform them into croissants and sell them to the UK." The Frenchman has
>a smirk on his face.
>
> The English guy listens in silence.
>
> The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread?"
>
> English guy: "Of course."
>
> Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
>
> "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all
>the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them
>into jam, and sell the jam to the UK."
>
> After a moment of silence, The English guy then asks: "Do you have sex
>in France?"
>
> Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
>
> English guy: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used
>them?"
>
> Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
> English guy: "We don't - in the UK we put them in a container, recycle
>them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Sat Aug 12 3:53:56 2006.

-- > Alan
From: mgb on Sat Aug 12 4:02:56 2006.

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello".
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an *******!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '*******'next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of week! s, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my Therapeutic '*******' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window - so, I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the First *******, I had his! number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW *******, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes. I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?"I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an *******." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.Now, when I had a problem, I had two *******s to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea. I called ******* #1.
"Hello."
"You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up).
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"*******, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beemer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******."
Then I called ******* #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, *******," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ***," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang! war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.

There I saw two *******s beating the crap cut of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW I feel better!!!!!!!
From: NOV on Sat Aug 12 4:19:08 2006.

MGB - pls edit your post use asterisks instead of you know what
From: NOV on Sat Aug 12 4:21:48 2006.

Friends:are like land line connection Reliable,stable and you
pay the minimum only.

Girl Friends:are like pre-paid connection
you propose before you
actually fall in love with her, you have to pay for activation charges
(movies, visiting),b ut network problem (friends,family ,teachers and
parents) may occur any time,
Roaming is too costly (whenever you call another city) most
importantly you can change the connection. beware of spending again on
activation charges.

Wives: are like post-paid connection, you take the connection
first without knowing how long it runs and pay
again-and-again (probably whole-life).
From: Hyderabadi on Sat Aug 12 4:37:21 2006.

HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a face like yours!!!

HE: Hi!didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once.i never make the same mistake twice!!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No,i'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!

HE: Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE: It's hot!!!

HE: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
SHE: Okay,but would you stay there?

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! i'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why,are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah,it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: You know I can't seem to get your face out of my mind.
SHE: Wow really, I have a similar problem I cant seem to get you out of my face!!!

HE: When I look at your face, I can't hold my self down..
SHE: And when I look at your face I can't seem to keep my food down!

HE: You know when they made u they must have broken the mold.
SHE: Yeah and when they were making you must have leaked out of your mold!!

HE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, could there be anyone as beautiful as you?
SHE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, i'm sure there's no-one as ugly as you!

HE: Do you have a phone number I can reach you on?
She: Sorry, telephones are against my religion!!!

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

HE: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
SHE: It's in the phone book.
HE: But I don't know your name.
SHE: That's in the phone book too.

HE: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not Enter

HE: I know how to please a woman.
SHE: Then please leave me alone.

HE: I want to give myself to you.
SHE: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

HE: I hope you didn't hurt yourself when fell to earth from heaven.
SHE: No, but it looks like you landed on your face!
From: NOV on Sat Aug 12 5:02:30 2006.

BELIEVE it or not,
These are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police .
From: Alan on Sat Aug 12 7:54:26 2006.

Men on earth die and go to heaven. God comes and says," I want the men to form two queues one line for the men who dominated their women, and the other one for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk."

Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there is only one man.

God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates.Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
From: mgb on Sun Aug 13 2:49:46 2006.

Question and answer-Funny!!!

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built.

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs , He sleeps at night.

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that.

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A : The other half.

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A : Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid
From: temporary sori-Observer on Sun Aug 13 9:24:31 2006.

I think this was already posted in Interesting Anectodes.
From: Lambretta on Sun Aug 13 10:43:52 2006.

temporary sori-Observer wrote:

I think this was already posted in Interesting Anectodes.

Aama....but I think its more apt for the jokes thread....
From: NOV on Sun Aug 13 23:28:04 2006.

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband !

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

You can't buy love .. but you pay heavily for it

True friends stab you in the front

Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak

From: RP on Tue Aug 15 3:21:15 2006.

NOV wrote:

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband !

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

You can't buy love .. but you pay heavily for it

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak

21st Century Marriage

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.
As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."
The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive !"

From: RP on Tue Aug 15 3:32:10 2006.

CONFLICTING PROVERBS ...........

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.

With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings.

The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd.
From: Alan on Wed Aug 16 12:31:31 2006.

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
>
>
> Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
>
> Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
>
> Son: "Well, in that case...ok"
>
> Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
>
> Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
>
> Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
>
> Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
>
> Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
>
> Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
>
> Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
>
> President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
>
> Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
>
> President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
>
> This is how business is done!!
>
> Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your
attitude
> should be positive
From: NOV on Wed Aug 16 21:33:42 2006.

BORED? Have Fun in the Office!

1.Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2.Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

3.Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."

4.Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5.Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.

7.Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

13. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster than that.

15. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
From: NOV on Wed Aug 16 21:35:51 2006.

Signs that you are too drunk would be...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
From: Querida on Wed Aug 16 21:56:02 2006.

1.Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2.Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

3.Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."
From: Querida on Wed Aug 16 22:04:53 2006.

Watch Out Ladies for these "charming" pick up lines!

Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.

Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

How was Heaven when you left it?

You've made me so nervous that I've totally forgotten forgotten my standard pick-up line.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

You are a 9.999. Well, you'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.

I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.

What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?

If you wanna know how much I love you, count the stars.

I think of you,want you, miss you, and LOVE YOU on 2 occasions: Day and Night....

If you can explain love, you're not in it.

Dear heart,
Met a girl today....prepare to break.

If NOTHING Lasts forever
Then will Y0U be my NOTHING??

What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you.

So there you are! I've been looking all over for YOU, the girl of my dreams!

You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life!

Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boyfriend?

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

Can I get a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

Life without you would be like a broken pencil...pointless.

You have been summoned to court for trespassing my dreams, stealing my heart and robbing my feelings. If guilty: you are sentenced to be with me forever. How do you plead?
From: NOV on Thu Aug 17 2:01:50 2006.

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."

Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.

The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"

The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Aug 17 2:10:04 2006.

Lambretta wrote:

temporary sori-Observer wrote:

I think this was already posted in Interesting Anectodes.

Aama....but I think its more apt for the jokes thread....

Lamby,
I only posted in IA thread.They are real answers given by IIM'S and other intellectuals.Idhu ellam comedy-a theriyadha ungalukku
From: pavalamani pragasam on Thu Aug 17 5:28:08 2006.

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of
China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of
China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new
leader of
China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in
the Middle
East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get
me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of
milk. And
then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone
From: sgokulprathap on Thu Aug 17 6:32:50 2006.
From: Alan on Thu Aug 17 11:33:02 2006.

Querida, Great ones!

From: ramky on Fri Aug 18 2:00:47 2006.

mgb wrote:

Question and answer-Funny!!!

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built.

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs , He sleeps at night.

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that.

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A : The other half.

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A : Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid

Ganesh a.k.a. mgb :

ipdi kadichu kothariteengaLE

From: Badri on Fri Aug 18 2:14:13 2006.

These are immortal, even if they have been already posted, you can still get a bellyful of laughs out of 'em

BUSH-ISMS

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
- George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
- George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
- George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
- George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world. "
- George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- George W. Bush

�We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe, we are a part of Europe ." - George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
- George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. "
- George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
- George W. Bush

" Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
- George W. Bush

" It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. "
- George W. Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system.."
- George W. Bush
From: ramky on Fri Aug 18 2:25:24 2006.

Badri : ya, one doesnt get Bushed by any amount of Bushisms !
From: P_R on Fri Aug 18 13:02:21 2006.

Actually most of the reported Bush-isms are also attributed to Dan Quayle (Vice President when Bush Sr. was president). http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Dan_Quayle/

Doesn't take the fun away anyway. Plus we are are able to respect the American electorate for ensuring that Quayle didn't go on to become President !
From: ramky on Fri Aug 18 13:38:40 2006.

Prabhu Ram : ya quite true !
From: Surya on Fri Aug 18 14:25:36 2006.

Badri!! The Bushism's were awesome!!
From: Querida on Fri Aug 18 18:44:47 2006.

isn't it disturbing that someone who is sooo ridiculous has so much power in his hands? I know i know it's joke's thread....but just HAD to say that: anyways a couple more.

"The United States of America is engaged in a war against an extremist group of folks."

"One thing is clear, is relations between America and Russia are good, and they're important that they be good."

"I've reminded the prime minister-the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship."

"[Saddam] was a state sponsor of terror. In other words, the government had declared, you are a state sponsor of terror."

President Bush: "Peter. Are you going to ask that question with shades on?"
Peter Wallsten of the Los Angeles Times: "I can take them off."
Bush: "I'm interested in the shade look, seriously."
Wallsten: "All right, I'll keep it, then."
Bush: "For the viewers, there's no sun."
Wallsten: "I guess it depends on your perspective."
Bush: "Touche.
--An exchange with legally blind reporter Peter Wallsten, to whom Bush later apologized, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006
From: rajraj on Fri Aug 18 19:04:49 2006.

Q: Who says he knows English?

From: P_R on Fri Aug 18 20:25:47 2006.

Querida wrote:

"I've reminded the prime minister-the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship."

This is my pick of the lot. I read it again and again and got nowhere. What the hell was he trying to say !

From: RP on Sat Aug 19 13:45:22 2006.

A college student is doing a research paper on pirates. He goes to the docks one day and finds a drunkard swarthy pirate laying at the edge of a pier. After a brief explaination he asks " How did you lose your leg?"
The pirate responds "Yarrrr I was swimming in that thar sea and shark beet off my leg it did."
"Wow....well what happened to your hand? You have a hook on it."the student asks.
The old man replies " I was burring my treasure and a croc bit off my hand ..left me with this hook it did."
"That’s horrible!" says the student, "So what happened to your eye?"
Pirate replies with " A bird crapped in it."
Puzzled the student asks " You lost your eye because of bird crap!?"

The old pirate replies "Nar nar...twas me first day with me hook."
From: RP on Sat Aug 19 13:49:02 2006.

What do you get when you cross Birth Control with LSD?
A trip without the kids.
From: Alan on Sun Aug 20 4:48:30 2006.

LOL@RP!

From: ramky on Sun Aug 20 15:18:34 2006.

Querida wrote:

isn't it disturbing that someone who is sooo ridiculous has so much power in his hands? I know i know it's joke's thread....but just HAD to say that: anyways a couple more.
.........

Querida :

i am wary of going to Washington DC now, cos i don wanna be amBUSHed by BUSHmen in BUSHes inside BUSH's residence

From: hi on Sun Aug 20 23:37:25 2006.

CHINESE WISDOM

.................

Chinese Wisdom

An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day, It was very hot they were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates, But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his private part.

The Chinese replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize."
From: ramky on Tue Aug 22 18:09:14 2006.

Anjali : quite funny
From: seagull on Tue Aug 22 23:59:36 2006.

Anjali : very nice joke ! LOL
From: ramky on Wed Aug 23 3:48:46 2006.

This may been posted before, but does some good to "review" it !

George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him.

"You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.

Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed.

"You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps.

"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Bush looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
From: NOV on Wed Aug 23 4:07:44 2006.

A Christmas Card

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat.

The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.

I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave.

Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me.

I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.

Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year.

Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her- name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.
Love, Mom
From: Alan on Wed Aug 23 8:33:00 2006.

great one@ramky!!!!!
From: seagull on Thu Aug 24 18:53:37 2006.

Alan wrote:

great one@ramky!!!!!

ramky :
From: Badri on Thu Aug 24 22:50:15 2006.

Came as an email, so am posting as is to bring out the humour of it!

TO BE A MILLIONAIRE

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed."

He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."
I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.

He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this
Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US . He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"

Moral of the story:

M1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.
M2 - If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
M3 - If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an office boy, than a millionaire..........

Pls Note: - Do not forward this email to me back, I'm closing all my email addresses & going to sell tomatoes!!!

Smiling after reading is not mandatory!!!!
From: Lambretta on Fri Aug 25 4:05:31 2006.

Good one, badri!
From: Lambretta on Fri Aug 25 14:47:52 2006.

[tscii] Jus got this on translating an italian ebay auction webpage I came across......'found this quite funny...
And u thot google language tools wer always helpful?

1100 Fiat 1958 bicolored change to flying.
Motor vehicle without plate and documents poich� the plates and the documents have been pour to you fifteen or so years ago.
The motor vehicle was marching until that they have been poured the plates and is remained firm from then. Good for pieces reciprocation. conditions generate see them photo. the car agrees available to castrovillari in province of Cosenza.
For eventual demands for deliveries in various places to contact the vendor in order to estimate the feasibility and the costs that agree however loaded with the purchaser.........IN case of withdrawal near the vendor the rules on the restitution not varranno. if the purchaser withdraws visionata the same motor vehicle the intendera one and piaciuta.
From: P_R on Fri Aug 25 20:38:31 2006.

Good one Badri. It is built on one of my favourite short stories by Somerset Maugham - "The Verger".

http://www.geocities.com/athens/olympus/7695/VERGER.HTM
From: Alan on Sat Aug 26 8:53:11 2006.

good one@ badri!
From: ramky on Sat Aug 26 18:04:22 2006.

thnx Alan, Seagull

Don't Shoot The Translator!

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ball point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say 'It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you.'
However. the company mistakenly thought that the Spanish word "embarazar" meant "to make pregnant". So instead, the ads said that 'It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.'

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
From: Alan on Sun Aug 27 8:48:45 2006.

lol@ramky! Great one!!!!!!!!!!!!!Loved it!
From: ramky on Sun Aug 27 11:04:28 2006.

thnx Alan

New Trainee at MNC :

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....

On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.....!
From: Alan on Sun Aug 27 11:53:23 2006.

ramky@getting better & better each time! lol!!!!
From: Querida on Mon Aug 28 18:33:59 2006.

Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
From: Braandan on Thu Aug 31 7:41:58 2006.

Taken from Arcamax:

Make women happy - Demerit Point System explained
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed ....................+1

* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1

* You leave the toilet seat up.............-5

* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0

* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

* When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

* in the snow...............+8

* but return with beer..........-5

* and no liners....................-25

* You check out a suspicious noise at night....... 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

* You pummel it with a six iron...........+10

* It's her cat.........................-40

HER BIRTHDAY

* You take her out to dinner................ 0

* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1

* Okay, it is a sports bar..........-2

* And it's all-you-can-eat night....-3

* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team......-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

* Go with a pal.........................+5

* The pal is happily married............+4

* Or frighteningly single...............-7

* And he drives a Ferrari...............-10

* With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

* You take her to a movie...............+2

* You take her to a movie she likes.....+4

* You take her to a movie you hate......+6

* You take her to a movie you like......-2

* It's called Death Cop 3...............-3

* Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9

* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

* You develop a noticeable pot belly.............-15

* You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...............................+10

* You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30

* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800

THE BIG QUESTION (a no win question)

* She asks, "Do I look fat?"

* You hesitate in responding.....-10

* You reply, "Where?"............-35

* Any other response.............-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

* You listen, displaying a concerned expression...... 0

* You listen, for over 30 minutes....................+5

* You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..................................+100

* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep....-200
From: Querida on Thu Aug 31 23:41:22 2006.

+ 1000 points for that!
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Aug 31 23:48:56 2006.

Excellent Braandan
From: Querida on Fri Sep 1 2:10:05 2006.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The
lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

From: Lambretta on Fri Sep 1 5:34:46 2006.

Querida wrote:

.........."How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

From: seagull on Fri Sep 1 14:26:38 2006.

Your joke is funny, Querida
From: Braandan on Fri Sep 1 23:21:13 2006.

seagull wrote:

Your joke is funny, Querida

I thought jokes are supposed to be funny!
From: Querida on Sat Sep 2 15:06:41 2006.

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."
From: seagull on Sat Sep 2 17:11:41 2006.

Querida -
From: Badri on Mon Sep 4 0:28:13 2006.

Choices, choices, choices

Question : "What would you like to have sir .. Fruit juice, Soda, tea,Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea
or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.
Question: " Milk from Friezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst
From: tfmlover on Mon Sep 4 16:45:06 2006.

i rather die..... badri
From: Querida on Mon Sep 4 17:19:26 2006.

***Be forewarned this one's a little yucky***

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.

The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch.

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.

The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss," to which the old drunk

replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."
From: NOV on Mon Sep 4 21:27:25 2006.

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
From: tfmlover on Mon Sep 4 22:05:19 2006.

thalai suthuthu nov
From: Braandan on Tue Sep 5 1:27:06 2006.

Nothing new, it is only one half of the story, the original one came out as "Murai theriyaa kathai" in the series of stories told by "vEtaaLam" to "vikramaadittan". This is the last story for which Vikram did not have an answer. If a father marries a daughter of a woman and his son marries that woman what would the children call each other, was the question. The story was since copied in the Tamil film "ApoorvaRaagangal" directed by KBalachander.(Kamal, SreeVidya etc.)
From: ramky on Tue Sep 5 20:27:44 2006.

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."

So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back." The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
From: ramky on Tue Sep 5 20:58:56 2006.

.
Five cannibals (Man Eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working."
From: Querida on Tue Sep 5 22:38:41 2006.

@ the appetizing developer joke
From: Alan on Thu Sep 7 5:16:54 2006.

@ramky
From: seagull on Thu Sep 7 18:14:16 2006.

Ramky : careful cannibals these
From: NOV on Thu Sep 7 21:06:11 2006.

Nine Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their chair to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3.When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4.When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
From: P_R on Thu Sep 7 21:23:11 2006.

Good ones Nov. Right up there with "Did you have a haircut ?"
From: Lambretta on Thu Sep 7 23:43:54 2006.

NOV
From: dev on Fri Sep 8 13:07:14 2006.

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"We just moved in, & there's no electricity in the house!"
From: ramky on Fri Sep 8 20:22:19 2006.

dev :

thnx @ Querida, Alan, Seagull !
From: seagull on Fri Sep 8 21:13:39 2006.

quite humorous Dev
From: hi on Sat Sep 9 2:02:04 2006.

[tscii]Subject: Position VS Performance

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"

"Results," shrugged Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

Moral of the story :

It's Performance, Not Position, that Counts �.
From: sgokulprathap on Sat Sep 9 3:30:41 2006.

Wat a moral?
From: ajithfederer on Sat Sep 9 19:59:58 2006.

dev akka
From: mgb on Sun Sep 10 2:46:34 2006.

Did you ever wonder?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss India?
From: mgb on Sun Sep 10 2:49:27 2006.

A German, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.

The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times.

When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
From: mgb on Sun Sep 10 2:53:46 2006.

A man was walking a lion down the street when they were stopped by a police officer.

The police officer said, "You should't be walking that lion down the street, you need to take him to the zoo."

The man replies, "OK".

The next day he sees the same police officer again, and he still had his lion.

The police officer said, "I thought I told you to take that lion to the zoo!"

The man replies, "I did, and today I'm taking him to the movies!"
From: mgb on Sun Sep 10 2:57:54 2006.

Difference between a cat and a dog...

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
From: Lambretta on Sun Sep 10 3:54:16 2006.

mgb wrote:

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Well, Pizza Hut is now giving its pizzas in hexagonal boxes....tats kinda close enuff to round.....

From: Alan on Sun Sep 10 4:17:46 2006.

mgb wrote:

Difference between a cat and a dog...

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

True Story!

From: NOV on Sun Sep 10 5:21:48 2006.

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad : People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the usage of the phone.I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum : Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Son : Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

Maid : So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.
From: NOV on Sun Sep 10 5:22:22 2006.

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".

Conclusion:
"Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!!!"
From: Surya on Sun Sep 10 6:29:24 2006.

@ Love-Marriage Joke,
From: mgb on Wed Sep 13 5:25:27 2006.

Sardar & his wife going in an auto....
Driver adjusted mirror.
Sardar shouted... You are seeing my wife...
Go back and sit, I will drive...
From: mgb on Wed Sep 13 5:40:11 2006.

Sardar declares:
. . . I will never marry in my life and . . .
. . . I'll give same advice to my children also. . . . .
From: mgb on Wed Sep 13 6:05:12 2006.

SARDAR talking on cell.
2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho.
1ST: biwi se.....
2ND: itne... pyar se....?
1ST: tumhari hai. . .
From: mgb on Wed Sep 13 6:06:40 2006.

What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi.
From: Lambretta on Wed Sep 13 8:35:50 2006.

mgb wrote:

What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi.
From: NOV on Wed Sep 13 9:36:51 2006.

[tscii]Asia was by far my favorite destination,� the woman bragged at the party, though she had never been out of the United States. �Enigmatic and magical, beautiful beyond belief. And China, of course, is the pearl of the Asian oyster.�

�What about the pagodas?� a man beside her asked. �Did you see them?�

�Did I see them? My dear, I had dinner with them.�
From: NOV on Wed Sep 13 9:38:57 2006.

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
From: NOV on Wed Sep 13 9:41:25 2006.

George Bush was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, "Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once."

"Well, here," the limo driver says, "Take the wheel!"

Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window, goes back to his squad car, calls dispatch and says, "I just pulled over someone real important and I don't know what to do."

"Well, who is it?" his dispatcher says, "The mayor? The governor? The president?"

"I don't know," the officer responds, "but the President is his chauffer!"
From: NOV on Wed Sep 13 9:43:15 2006.

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
From: NOV on Wed Sep 13 9:44:03 2006.

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.

"Is Mike there?" I asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
From: NOV on Wed Sep 13 9:45:21 2006.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."
From: seagull on Wed Sep 13 17:14:08 2006.

NOV :
From: P_R on Wed Sep 13 17:32:21 2006.

Nov wrote:

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
A old one and a good one !

Here is another oldie:

There was once an enterprising Floridian who raised dolphins and
porpoises as a hobby. One day, in his researches, he learned of a
way to make his pets live forever: by feeding them seagulls. He
wanted to try this, so he went down to the beach, trapped some of the
birds, and brought them back with him. When returned to his home, he
discovered that a peace-loving, toothless old lion that had escaped from
the local zoo was stretched across his doorstep, sound asleep. Our
hero boldly leaped over the beast -- and federal agents appeared
from the bushes and arrested him.

The charge: Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal
porpoises.
From: Alan on Thu Sep 14 0:54:25 2006.

All great ones, NOV!!!!! Thanks a ton for sharing these!
From: NOV on Thu Sep 14 2:05:01 2006.

Sure Alan!

Teacher asks children, "what do u wish to do in future?"

Alan : I want to be a pilot.

Prabhu: I want to be a doctor.

Jothy: I want to be a good mother.

Sukumar: I want to help Jothy.
From: NOV on Thu Sep 14 2:06:17 2006.

Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS:

1, Too Many Questions.
2, Difficult to Understand.
3, More Explanation is Needed.
4. Result is always FAIL!
From: NOV on Thu Sep 14 2:07:16 2006.

A man is dying of Cancer. (not Hubber Cancer)

His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of
AIDS?"

Dad: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom
From: Lambretta on Thu Sep 14 3:41:10 2006.

NOV wrote:

A man is dying of Cancer. (not Hubber Cancer)

Quote:

His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of AIDS?"
Dad: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom

again
From: NOV on Thu Sep 14 5:04:48 2006.

NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-Gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said.

"They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as ' unknowns', but we have determined they have some common factors and we believe we have found a common denominator"

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.
From: kannannn on Thu Sep 14 5:40:44 2006.

NOV wrote:

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Sep 14 14:04:53 2006.

NOV wrote:

Sure Alan! Very Happy

Teacher asks children, "what do u wish to do in future?"

Alan : I want to be a pilot.

Prabhu: I want to be a doctor.

Jothy: I want to be a good mother. Rolling Eyes

Sukumar: I want to help Jothy. LOL

From: ramky on Thu Sep 14 23:34:31 2006.

.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GENIE ?

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done : glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in Genies ?!!"
From: Alan on Fri Sep 15 0:09:39 2006.

lol@ramky!
From: NOV on Fri Sep 15 3:08:50 2006.

Santa Singh decided to change his religion. He joined a priest in a Church as his assistant. One day the priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called Santa D'costa (his new assistant) and asked him to cover for him. Santa told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to stay with him for a little while and learn what to do.

Santa joined the priest and then followed him into the confessional. A few minutes later a woman came in and said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned"

Priest: "What did you do?"

Woman: " I committed adultery"

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times"

Priest: "Say Two Hail Marys, put $ 5.00 in the charity box, and sin no more"

A few minutes later a man entered the confessional. He said

"Father, forgive me for I have sinned"

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery"

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times"

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $ 5.00 in the charity box, and sin no more"

Santa, a quick learner, told the priest that he understood the job and the priest could leave.

Santa D'costa was now alone. A few minutes later another woman entered and said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned"

Santa: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery"

Santa: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once"

Santa: "Go do it two more times, we have a special offer this week, three times for $ 5.00
From: NOV on Fri Sep 15 3:13:10 2006.

To all those married, here is something very familiar. To those who have yet to tie the nuptial cord, take it as a warning.

What happens after 6 weeks , after 6 months, after 6 years of marriage . . . a comparison!

Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Venice or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to India on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself . . .
From: sgokulprathap on Fri Sep 15 3:33:24 2006.

But wats ther to laugh
From: dev on Fri Sep 15 4:36:14 2006.

NOV wrote:

we have a special offer this week, three times for $ 5.00
From: kannannn on Fri Sep 15 7:34:34 2006.

NOV, your list reminds me of another one about a marriage-weary couple. This time, the joke's on the husband.

Wife: What do you want with your breakfast, honey..
Husband (to himself): Wow! She hasn't called me honey in years..
Wife: ..or marmalade?
From: Alan on Fri Sep 15 10:49:22 2006.

lol!
From: P_R on Fri Sep 15 12:16:26 2006.

Another priest joke:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
5) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
6) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
7) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
8) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
9) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
10) Lastly, next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
From: ramky on Fri Sep 15 12:29:09 2006.

thnx Alan !
From: Mystic on Fri Sep 15 12:37:10 2006.

Ramky : nice joke

From: nms on Fri Sep 15 13:31:59 2006.

Prabhu Ram wrote:

Another priest joke:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
5) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
6) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
7) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
8) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
9) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
10) Lastly, next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

From: Lambretta on Fri Sep 15 16:09:35 2006.

Alan wrote:

lol!

Paaji......'better hope this doesnt ever turn out to be true in ur case!
From: RR on Sat Sep 16 2:31:24 2006.

here are some classic English sentences from one of Tsmil Nadu ex-politician, now chairman of some education body..

The stalwart talks to his students:

# At the ground:
------------ -----
All of you stand in a straight circle.
There is no wind in the balloon.
The girl with the mirror please comes her...{Means: girl with specs please
come here).

# To a boy, angrily:
------------ ---------
I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk?

# While punishing students:
------------ --------- --
You, rotate the ground four times...
You, go and understand the tree...
You three of you stand together separately.
Why are you late - say YES or NO ....(?)

# Sir at his best:
------------ ---
Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one
of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did not see them.
So the next day at school... (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you
WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"

# Sir at his best inside the Class room:
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
You, meet me behind the class. (Meaning AFTER the class..)
This one is cool >> "Both of u three get out of the class."
Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today...
Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....
Take 5 cm wire of any length....

Last but not the least some of his experiences. ..

Once Sir had come late to a college function, by the time he reached, the
function had begun, so he went to the dais, and said, sorry I am late,
because on the way my car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats).

At Sathyabama college day 2002:

"This college strict u the worry no .... U get good marks, I the happy,
tomorrow u get good job, I the happy, tomorrow u marry I the enjoy"

At St. Josephs fresh years day 2003:

"No ragging this college. Anybody rag we arrest the police"
From: ramky on Sat Sep 16 11:32:37 2006.

RR : nice ones !

JUST TEN YEARS AGO!!!

Before the computer age,

An APPLICATION was for employment.

A PROGRAM was a television show.

WINDOWS were something you hated to clean.

A KEYBOARD was a piano.

MEMORY was something you lost with age.

A CD was a bank account.

COMPRESS was something you did to garbage.

LOG ON was adding wood to a fire.

A HARD DRIVE was a long trip on the road.

A MOUSE PAD was where a mouse lived.

CUT you did with scissors.

PASTE you did with glue.

A WEB was a spider's home.

And a VIRUS was a flu !!!!!
From: NOV on Sat Sep 16 11:57:16 2006.

RR wrote:

tomorrow u get good job, I the happy, tomorrow u marry I the enjoy"

yaarindha punnyavaan?
From: buddysathi on Sat Sep 16 12:44:05 2006.

The grt JPR!!
From: Anoushka on Sat Sep 16 17:23:44 2006.

buddysathi wrote:

The grt JPR!!
may be he did say the last couple of ones but the other ones have been jokes going around for a while...
From: Lambretta on Sun Sep 17 14:43:46 2006.

Anoushka wrote:

buddysathi wrote:

The grt JPR!!
may be he did say the last couple of ones but the other ones have been jokes going around for a while...

Reminds me of wat I heard abt Kamaraj Nadar once saying in an interview "I is the chief minister of Madras......"
From: Lambretta on Sun Sep 17 14:50:59 2006.

Tit for Tat- The Ultimate Divorce Letter!!

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came Home and didn't care to notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away To West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-wife

***********************
Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that didn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You Look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I Hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Your Ex-husband
From: podalangai on Sun Sep 17 15:50:40 2006.

The lion woke up one morning, feeling proud and fit. He left his den and walked around the jungle. The first animal he saw was a monkey. "Who is king of the jungle, monkey?", he roared. "You, O mighty lion", the monkey answered meekly.

Pleased, the lion walked on until he saw a stag. "Who is the king of the jungle, stag?" he roared. "You, O mighty lion" the deer replied meekly.

Even more pleased, the lion walked on. He then saw an elephant. "Elephant!" he thundered. "Who is the king of the jungle?"

In reply, the elephant lifted the lion with his trunk, swung him around, and dashed him to the ground.

The lion staggered to his feet. "All right, all right", he muttered. "No need to get so upset just because you don't know the answer to the question."
From: temporary sori-Observer on Sun Sep 17 16:29:35 2006.

podalangai wrote:

"All right, all right", he muttered. "No need to get so upset just because you don't know the answer to the question."

Keezhe vizhunthaalum, dhaadiyile maN ottalainnu sollidichchu antha lion
From: temporary sori-Observer on Sun Sep 17 17:56:09 2006.

��
�¢�� ¡�� ʨ� ��Ţ�� ¡�� ¡�.
From: pavalamani pragasam on Sun Sep 17 22:01:36 2006.

TN!
From: NOV on Sun Sep 17 23:27:39 2006.

Goober TraVeLeRs

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

* I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

* A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

* I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa."
Her response ... click.

* A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

* I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No."
He said, "But they look so close on the map."

* Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

* A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

* A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight. Is there any connection?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

* I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

* "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

* A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

* A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked : "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
From: mgb on Mon Sep 18 8:17:38 2006.

Person 1: What is your date of birth?
Sardar: 13th October
Person 1: Which year?
Sardar: Oye ullu ke pathe EVERY YEAR
From: mgb on Mon Sep 18 8:19:51 2006.

Interviewer: Can you spell a word that has more than 12 letters in it ?
Sardar replied: P-O-S-T-B-O-X.
From: mgb on Mon Sep 18 8:24:56 2006.

One tourist from U.S.A. asked a Sardar: Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!
From: Lambretta on Mon Sep 18 10:19:22 2006.

MGB!
From: mgb on Tue Sep 19 1:16:24 2006.

Letter sent to boss!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

The next day, reply from boss!

Oh my dear:
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet!
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
From: mgb on Tue Sep 19 1:20:10 2006.

Interviewer: Imagine you are in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Interviewee: Its simple. I will stop my imagination.
From: NOV on Tue Sep 19 20:25:54 2006.

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear God, I pray for:
Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
because God, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death...
From: P_R on Tue Sep 19 20:39:14 2006.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

"Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," said the drunk.

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes, please!"

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here... on the swing!"
From: ajithfederer on Tue Sep 19 20:39:31 2006.

nov avanga unga wife aa ??
From: NOV on Tue Sep 19 21:48:25 2006.

Twenty Things a Guy Learned From Action Movies

1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than
myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him
with my bare hands.

2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so
tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.

3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to
bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically
attractive and under 25 years old.

4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't
he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my
obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will
adore me.

7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will
fall in ! love with me.

8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is
a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.

9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies,
we will become best friends.

10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my
father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me
before I kill him with my bare hands.

11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never
be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people
shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be
tended to by a beautiful woman.

12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen
about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.

13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful
daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

14. If royal! ty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will
gaze at me adoringly.

15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze
at me adoringly.

16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game
of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try
to kill me.

17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a
sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'

18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask,
"When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last
bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things
either.

19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though
their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.

20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight
against his enemy.
From: NOV on Tue Sep 19 21:55:14 2006.

[tscii]Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take
it anyway.

***********

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship.
It's titled, "Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong."

***********

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.

***********

Honolulu � it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the
wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

***********
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage.

***********

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you
finish...

***********

Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that
we may love you instead of laugh at you.

***********

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

***********
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool
when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."

***********

After an acquaintance of ten minutes, many women will exchange
confidences that a man would not reveal to a lifelong friend.

***********

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's
a baby.

***********

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henry Youngman

***********
"I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go." Rose in Titanic. Several
seconds later, poor little Jack sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic...

***********

An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she
gets, the more interested he is in her."
Agatha Christie

***********

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

***********

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henry Youngman.
*
**********

If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him... is he
still wrong?

***********

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.

***********
I fell in love at first sight� I should have looked twice.

***********

Before marriage a man yearns for a woman after marriage the `y' is
silent .

***********
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.
***********
From: dev on Tue Sep 19 22:13:10 2006.

NOV, polambatheenga...
From: ramky on Tue Sep 19 23:30:06 2006.

NOV :

From: Alan on Wed Sep 20 0:49:59 2006.

Lambretta wrote:

Tit for Tat- The Ultimate Divorce Letter!!

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came Home and didn't care to notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away To West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-wife

***********************
Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that didn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You Look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I Hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Your Ex-husband

Great one, Lamby!

From: Lambretta on Wed Sep 20 8:18:43 2006.

Oye thanks Paaji!
Long time no see,
Kee haal hai?
From: Alan on Wed Sep 20 12:57:12 2006.

I'm doing good, Lamby- Will u be coming to Delhi? You can stay with us, in case you are coming over

From: seagull on Wed Sep 20 16:24:47 2006.

Prabhu Ram wrote:

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

"Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," said the drunk.

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes, please!"

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here... on the swing!"

Prabhu Ram :

From: Querida on Wed Sep 20 18:14:53 2006.

Great Taste in songs, Lambretta!

*****************************************************
Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams

The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

A harp is a nude piano.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.

I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
From: P_R on Wed Sep 20 18:20:16 2006.

@ Querida, particularly the last one.
From: Lambretta on Thu Sep 21 5:30:50 2006.

*dig

Alan wrote:

I'm doing good, Lamby- Will u be coming to Delhi? You can stay with us, in case you are coming over

I'm floored by ur generous offer!
'note sure wen I'll be coming to Delhi in the near future, but will surely let u know wen I do!
/dig
From: Lambretta on Thu Sep 21 5:31:54 2006.

*dig
Querida wrote:

Great Taste in songs, Lambretta!

Que!
/dig

From: Alan on Thu Sep 21 13:32:20 2006.

Lambretta wrote:

*dig

Alan wrote:

I'm doing good, Lamby- Will u be coming to Delhi? You can stay with us, in case you are coming over Smile

I'm floored by ur generous offer! Very Happy

'note sure wen I'll be coming to Delhi in the near future, but will surely let u know wen I do! Very Happy

/dig

From: Querida on Thu Sep 21 18:20:29 2006.

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied... "The balcony."
From: P_R on Thu Sep 21 19:04:29 2006.

Querida wrote:

with pain in his voice Sam replied... "The balcony."
vizhunthu vizhunthu sirichiruppAro ?
From: rajraj on Thu Sep 21 19:08:25 2006.

Prabhu Ram wrote:

vizhunthu vizhunthu sirichiruppAro ?

sirichu sirichu vizhundhiruppaar !
From: NOV on Thu Sep 21 22:08:44 2006.

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash!"
From: NOV on Thu Sep 21 22:29:05 2006.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
From: NOV on Thu Sep 21 22:30:44 2006.

Dumbest People Ever

A medical student was working in the toxicology department at the poison control center. A woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. The medical student quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. The student told the mother that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the work field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is automatically activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
From: NOV on Fri Sep 22 3:15:57 2006.

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard' s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,

"Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this "yellow" construction paper?"
From: Badri on Fri Sep 22 3:28:43 2006.

There was once a young man who,in his youth,professed his desire to become a great writer.
When askad to define"great",he said,"I want to write stuff that whole world will read,stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,stuff that will make them scream,cry,howl in pain and anger".

He now works for Microsoft,writing error messages

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who Killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview?" Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder."

The titanic was sinking and unfortuantely our great sardarji was onboard. People were very nervous and it was absolute pandemonium
The sardarji was standing next to an italian man who was planning on his survival. The life boats were filled so the italian decided on asking the sardarji for help. The italian told sardarji that he could swim for 5 miles maximum.And then the sardarji replied "oiee no problem bhaay land is only 2 miles from us" hearing this the italian was so happy he just jumped into the water. After jumping into the water the italian asked the sardarji directions to which sardarji replied "downwards""!!!!!

It was christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant,"what are you charged with"
" Doing christmas shopping early sir,replied the defendant.
Well that is not a crime ,said the judge "How early were you doing this shopping"
"Before the store opened ",answered the prisoner.

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in
US!!!

A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some
Basic English conversation training before he visits
Washington and meets president Bill Clinton.

The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you
shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are
you'. Then Mr Clinton should say, "I am fine, and
you?" Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we,
translators,will do all the work for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is.... When Mori
met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?".

Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to
react with humour "Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha
ha...." Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha
ha."

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room
From: NOV on Fri Sep 22 3:43:01 2006.

Here is a bulletin circulated in our office yesterday.

Dear associate,

We recently received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists working in our office. Six of the seven have been apprehended.

Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Butt-Kissin have all been taken into custody. At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found.

We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are obviously not a suspect at this time. So keep on doing what you Bin Doin!

Thanks,
Bin Administrating
From: Anoushka on Fri Sep 22 6:00:59 2006.

real (allegedly) funny air traffic controllers conversations

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
From: rajraj on Fri Sep 22 9:38:00 2006.

Anoushka: Are you still taking flying lessons?
From: Querida on Fri Sep 22 18:15:45 2006.

Badri....that was just too much...are you seriously trying to get me kicked out of my computer lab!
From: ramky on Sun Sep 24 13:33:02 2006.

rajraj wrote:

Prabhu Ram wrote:

vizhunthu vizhunthu sirichiruppAro ?

sirichu sirichu vizhundhiruppaar !

Querida : @ man from balcony joke !
From: ramky on Sun Sep 24 13:36:35 2006.

How To Catch a Lion - Alternatives to hunter's / trapper's method !

Newton�s Method:
Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.

Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.
If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

Police Method:
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .

Indian action film hero Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.
The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

Art Film Director Method :
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted.
Keep murmuring something in its ears.
The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest.
Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.
Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.
First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.
But 2nd lioness loves both lions.
Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.
You don�t understand right� ok�.read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

Vegetarianism method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

George Bush method:
Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

Out of form Cricketer method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u.
U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run
Lion tired and surrenders.
From: Querida on Sun Sep 24 20:29:37 2006.

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
From: ramky on Mon Sep 25 2:45:50 2006.

A Sardar sent an SMS to his pregnant wife at the hospital, enquiring about her.
Two seconds later the reply came on his mobile phone and he started dancing.
The message said, "DELIVERED". !!
From: Lambretta on Mon Sep 25 2:47:07 2006.

@ Ramky!
From: ramky on Mon Sep 25 2:48:34 2006.

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and ...
... Panic is when both are pregnant. !!

From: Lambretta on Mon Sep 25 3:04:50 2006.

ramky wrote:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and ...
... Panic is when both are pregnant. !!

From: ramky on Mon Sep 25 7:10:50 2006.

Lamby : intha Joke-la varra mathri yaarukkum, STP vara koodaathu - maha kodumaiyilum kodumai
ithu ennOda Objective viewpoint thaan, not Subjective
From: Braandan on Tue Sep 26 17:23:55 2006.

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts majors." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time.

Since: Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work / Time, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work / Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
From: NOV on Wed Sep 27 9:19:02 2006.

Excuses To Use When Caught Sleeping At Work

1. They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

2. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that
time management course you sent me to.

3. I was working smarter - not harder.

4. Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.

5. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!

6. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

7. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

8. I'm in the management training program.

9. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan
(SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

10. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed
about work!

11. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work
related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

12. No! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution
to our biggest problem.

13. The coffee machine is broken....

14. Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.

15. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.

16. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
workaholic!

17. I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without
my hands.

18. The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing
dead to avoid getting shot.

19. Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.

20. I'm just resting my eyes.
From: hi on Wed Sep 27 10:46:53 2006.

A Bihari hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided totake a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.

A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone.
He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys
and they had taken all his hats. The Bihari sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down.

While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment,the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat,
the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his
hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he
finally managed to get all his hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson, Laloo,
also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his
grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by
the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the
same tree and left the hats on the floor.

He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree. He remembered his grand father's words,started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again
themonkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea,
Laloo threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the
monkeys still held on to all the hats. Then one monkey climbed down
the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said
.......................

....

Guess What????????

...............................................

........................................

......................................

...................................

.................................

............................

"You think only you have a grandfather?"

From: krishnan on Wed Sep 27 14:50:28 2006.

hi wrote:

A Bihari hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided totake a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.

A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone.
He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys
and they had taken all his hats. The Bihari sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down.

While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment,the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat,
the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his
hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he
finally managed to get all his hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson, Laloo,
also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his
grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by
the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the
same tree and left the hats on the floor.

...................................

Well I am not trying to play a spoilsport here, but I guess time has come to re-think about this man. If you are still in doubt visit the links given below

http://ia.rediff.com/money/2006/sep/15lalu1.htm

http://in.rediff.com/money/2006/aug/30iim1.htm

From: Alan on Thu Sep 28 3:56:12 2006.

hi wrote:

A Bihari hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided totake a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Too funny! LOL!
From: Anoushka on Thu Sep 28 9:25:48 2006.

http://www.darrenbarefoot.com/hall/slides/Lost%20Remote.html
From: Erica on Thu Sep 28 18:29:19 2006.

hi wrote:

"You think only you have a grandfather?"
From: ramky on Fri Sep 29 13:07:47 2006.

Anjali : Bihari hat seller
From: Alan on Fri Sep 29 23:28:54 2006.

Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women
Pregnancy Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline
irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF
YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here f rom "outer space".
8 You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9 You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN
From: ramky on Sun Oct 1 0:55:46 2006.

Dumb Blonde !

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blond says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him into her apartment and shows him the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box.
He then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....he sighed. "Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box............" !
From: NOV on Tue Oct 3 22:46:13 2006.

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard. You're a veterinarian."
From: NOV on Tue Oct 3 22:51:47 2006.

BEST CHOCOLATE RUM CAKE EVER

Ingredients:
1 or 2 quarts Rum
1 Tbsp Soda
1 Cup Butter
1/2 Cup Cocoa
1 Tbsp Sugar
Lemon Juice
2 Large Eggs
Brown Sugar
1 Cup Dried Fruit Nuts
Baking Powder

Befor you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go
ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again.
It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour 1
level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With
electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. And 1 seaspoon
of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest
quality. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary. Add 2 arge legs, 1
cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets struck in the beaters
just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again to check for
tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it doesn't matter) --
sampertherumagain. Sift 1/2 pint of lemon juith. Fold in chopped butter and
strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or what-ever color you
find. Wix mel. Greast over the turn cake pan to 350 gradees. Now pour the
whole mess in the boven and cake. Check the rum again and bo to ged.
From: NOV on Tue Oct 3 23:12:05 2006.

A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit
her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with
a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently
sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her
hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very
strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman
answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda
didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where store officials
called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was
locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the
back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had
exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like
that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find
what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed
out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in!
From: NOV on Tue Oct 3 23:12:53 2006.

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that
the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the
problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then
rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back
in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the
room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in
front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell
tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of
friends,"the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store,
the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of
geeks."

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and
washing them individually.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power
button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and
nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's
mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When
asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What
power switch?"
From: Shevani on Tue Oct 3 23:16:55 2006.

*Sugar illana...coffee waste, love illana....life waste, moon illana...sky waste, nee illana....ZOO waste.. Thirumbi poidu
chellum...

*Life is difficult, full of troubles, sorrows, pains...but if u fall down just stand up confident and say "NALLA VELA...YAARUM
PAAKALA"

*TV la news parthen, hospital la irundhu mental thapichiruchu, kandu pudichi kudutha RM 50,000 prize. Ennaku kaasu mukiyam illa. Neethan mukiyem, "ODI POYIRU"

*Man goes for blood test. Nurse takes the sample but cant find
cotton so she sucks his finger! Man is so happy, he asks "can I get
a urine test also ?"

*After kissing, Malay taxi driver told his cute passenger: "I lied, im not single, im married." Passenger : "its ok I lied too. Im not Sally, im SALLEH"

*A scientist cant be a president but Abd Kalam did, a conductor cant be a superstar but Rajini did, a donkey cant operate mobile
phone but chellam nee kalakkare!!

*This is a romantic msg, so read it slowly...'the nite was dark,
the moon was high, he stopped his car, she asked him why, he went close 2her, she felt shy, he went nearer to her, he wanted to tell her a few words.. but he thought she wont believe it and finally he told the 3 words.."PETROL ILLA ERANGGEDI"

*HUSB: when I get mad with u, you never fight back. How do u
control ur anger ?
WIFE :I cleaned d toilet bowl
HUSB: how does that help?
WIFE : I USE YOUR TOOTH BRUSH"
From: NOV on Tue Oct 3 23:37:16 2006.

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to
inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for
passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who
was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the
tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
From: NOV on Wed Oct 4 0:05:43 2006.

The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for the High
School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious
meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been
thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry
when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm
welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when
he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh
looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay
and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the
house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys,
paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he
has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and
faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their
clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the
part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of
washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be
quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see
him.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain
if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might
have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft,
soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of
his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his
world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your
husband can relax.

*********************************************************

Now the updated version for the new woman.

1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes
too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to
eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and
gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home
will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated
every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need
her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left
on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the
garage.

4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!

5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer
and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving
you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this
way he might fix it faster).

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak
first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in
his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply
remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.

7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket
if he's cold. This will show you really care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal
fixed.

10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you
make more money than he does.
From: NOV on Wed Oct 4 0:06:25 2006.

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After
the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whisky and soda, which was brought and placed
before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a
drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm
sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."
From: NOV on Wed Oct 4 2:33:06 2006.

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared
four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first
day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707
after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It
should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask
for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several
annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad
yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one
sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs.
Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed
it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not
been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but
she quit!
From: NOV on Wed Oct 4 2:37:20 2006.

As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as
tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months,
found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc.

The problem
was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs." Rather than go on
searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog
(a golden retriever).All went well for months. Except for one thing: the
family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the
garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to
find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit.

He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened
to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent
checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition
that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area.

Months went by with no
incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day.
She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out.
Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the house.
He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in
mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain
eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into his own hands. He
bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and
carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right? Nothing
happened.

After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning
on the way to work. "How is everything?" asked Chuck.

"We're moving" replied
the man. "This is a sick neighborhood."

"Why? What happened?" replied Chuck.

The neighbor replied: "Some sick ******* dug up our recently deceased
rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage."
From: NOV on Wed Oct 4 2:46:08 2006.

THE LIFE OF A COMPUTER ANALYST

Monday
------
8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval
utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God,
we let these people vote and drive, too?

8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave
them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant
and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their
server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...

8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive
0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.

11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so
I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend.
Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement.
What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR
performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell
them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews
are sent to */US.

12:00 pm
Lunch

3:30 pm
Return from lunch.

3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason.
Return to napping.

4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them
what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.

4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has
something to do.

Tuesday
-------
8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with
Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes
SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Could you put something in the calendar
database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously)
lit up. Walks away grumbling.

9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form
J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in
the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database.
Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I
need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run
@DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control
database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready
tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for
Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to
train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.

1:00 pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles
outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer
room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"

1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form
names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up
and run global search/replace using gaks.

1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice
Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over
industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe
the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.

2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her
purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out
of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can
find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does
that.

2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

Wednesday
---------
8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell
them of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset."
Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am
meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about
terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting.
Sometimes life hands you material...

10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's
office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career
moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate
to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which
takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to
furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page.
Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX
system sometime.

11:00 am
Lunch.

4:55 pm
Return from lunch.

5:00 pm
Shift change; Going home.

Thursday
--------
8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server
room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell
him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.

8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set
minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is
this guy great or what?!

11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves
("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie
Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub.
Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!

11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee
beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said
corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to
senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate
Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember,
that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over
open floor tile to get to exit door.

1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...

4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the
On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.

Friday
------
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it
worked fine before I left.

9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself.
Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji
board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.

9:30 am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't
replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour
difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.

10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set
server ahead three hours.

11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their
servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get
good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with
orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the
weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"

11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting
this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him.

12:00 am
Lunch.

1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them
fast.

1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm
appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.

2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell
them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell
them to call microsupport.

2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment
cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen
corporate Web page lately.

3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they
place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document
addendum which says so.

4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point
size to "2" in help databases.

4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to
view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise
to send them document addendum which says so.

4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix
it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.

5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell them the hub is acting funny and to have a good
weekend.
From: Alan on Wed Oct 4 14:03:59 2006.

NOV wrote:

The neighbor replied: "Some sick ******* dug up our recently deceased
rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage."

TOO GOOD, NOV!!!!!!!!

From: Alan on Wed Oct 4 14:15:16 2006.

NOV wrote:

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed
it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not
been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but
she quit!

Great one, Nov- Where do u get such Hilarious stuff from-

From: RVG on Fri Oct 6 15:41:20 2006.

Shevani, NOV and Alan - Jokes posted by you are
From: Alan on Fri Oct 6 22:38:37 2006.

Thanku RVG!
From: Alan on Fri Oct 6 22:42:18 2006.

>A couple are going out for a night on the town. They're all dolled up,
>ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.
>
>But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog
>darts back inside and won't come out. They don't want to leave the dog
>inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to
>wait in the taxi.
>
>Not wanting it to be known that the house will be empty, she explains to
>the driver that her husband had just gone "to say good-bye to my
>mother".
>
>A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
>
>"Sorry I took so long," he says.
>
>"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a
>coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket
>to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass
>downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She'd better not **** in the
>vegetable garden again!".

>The silence in the cab was deafening
From: Alan on Fri Oct 6 22:49:35 2006.

Historic Letter

Okhil Babu's letter to the Railway Department:

"I arrived by passenger train in Ahmedpur station and my belly was too much swelling with jackfruit. I therefore went to bathroom. While emptying this nuisance, guard made whistle blow for train to go off and I ran with 'lotah' in one hand and 'dhoti' in the next. I fell over and exposed all my shocking to man and female women on platform. Finally, I left Ahmedpur station.

This is too bad, if a passenger has to make dung, why that dam guard cannot wait train five minutes for him. I therefore pray your honour to make a big fine on that guard for the public sake. Otherwise, I am going to maka a big report to papers."

Okhil Chandra Sen wrote this letter to the Sahibganj divisional railway office in 1909. It is on display at the Railway Museum in New Delhi .

It was also reproduced under the caption "Travelers Tales" in the Far Eastern Economic Review. Any guesses why this letter was of historic value?

It apparently led to the introduction of toilets on trains

__._,_.___

.
From: ramky on Mon Oct 9 15:41:24 2006.

Alan : @ mother-in-law joke !
From: joe on Tue Oct 10 5:01:52 2006.

இரண்டு பிச்சைக்காரர்கள் பார்த்துக்கிட்டாலும்,
இரண்டு சாப்ட்வேர் இன்ஜினியரகள் பார்த்துக்கிட்டலும்,
ஒரே கேள்வியத்தான் கேட்பாங்க

என்ன அது.

ஆமா, எந்த பிளாட்பார்ம்ல ஒர்க் பண்ற
From: Alan on Wed Oct 11 5:21:16 2006.

MOST FAMOUS MAN WHO EVER LIVED
One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."
As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"
From: ramky on Wed Oct 11 17:19:59 2006.

joe :
From: NOV on Wed Oct 11 21:35:31 2006.

Girl asked her father, "I want to marry a clever man."
The father replied, "that's difficult, clever men don't marry!"
From: Badri on Wed Oct 11 22:16:19 2006.

NOV wrote:

Girl asked her father, "I want to marry a clever man."
The father replied, "that's difficult, clever men don't marry!"

Hmm, that was a confession from the father, poor chap, re his own cleverness!!!
From: dev on Wed Oct 11 23:14:26 2006.

@ joe & NOV...
From: NOV on Thu Oct 12 0:40:21 2006.

Badri wrote:

Hmm, that was a confession from the father, poor chap, re his own cleverness!!!
summaavaa sonnaanga - pattappin gnyaani
From: NOV on Thu Oct 12 0:41:24 2006.

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating! In the first 3 years of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. From 4th - 7th year and on , the woman speaks and the man listens. In the rest of the years, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats the husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
From: NOV on Thu Oct 12 0:43:12 2006.

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. You know how possessive my wife is. Anyway, why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keepthat smile for the rest of the day.)
From: hi on Thu Oct 12 21:50:53 2006.

A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."

The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."

The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"

The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"

The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.

The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"

The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
From: ramky on Fri Oct 13 9:15:37 2006.

.
These are actual Leave Applications & Letters submitted/written by employees of some Indian companies/Govt departments ( smileys & emphasis added by me )

* Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife , please sanction me one-week leave."

* This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the tonsure ceremony ( `mottai adikkarathu' ) of his 10 year old son:
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

* From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it , please grant me 10 days leave."

* Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return , please grant me half day casual leave"

* An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

* A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

* Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

* Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

* Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

* Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

* Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

* A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience , I am applying for the post.
From: rocketboy on Fri Oct 13 18:02:58 2006.

God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining to his subordinates "Look everything should be in balance. For example, after every 10 deer there should be a lion.
Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States. I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension....
And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature.
But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes....
And here is South America. I have given them lots of forests.
But at the same time, I have given them lesser land
so that they would have to cut off the forests... So you see fellows,
everything should be in balance.
One of the angels asked... "God, what is this
extremely beautiful country here?"
God said....... "Ahah...that is the crown piece of all.
"INDIA", my most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains. A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live. Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold..... The angel was quite surprised: "But god you said everything should be n balance."

God replied -- "Look at the neighbors I gave them."
From: Lambretta on Sat Oct 14 8:18:16 2006.

rocketboy wrote:

......A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live.

Jokes apart, shudnt it be "that they used to live"??
Or is this also a part of the joke?
From: Shakthiprabha. on Sun Oct 15 3:12:12 2006.

Some.... weird yet smilable jokes . hope its taken in right sense

_______________________

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"5, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!

**********
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

**********
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got heart attack & our driver ran away.

**********
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son,
that's confidential!

**********
From: Shakthiprabha. on Sun Oct 15 4:26:03 2006.

Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next Morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's Apartment over night. The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriend's and Only one of them confirm that.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Men : A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the Very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So The wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirm that he stayed at
Their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claimingthat he still is There with them!

Conclusion of the story: Men are better friends ..
From: Shakthiprabha. on Sun Oct 15 6:06:11 2006.

There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.

There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it.

---------------

Teacher: Pappu, TAMSO MA JYOTIR GAMYA" shloka ka kya arth hai?
Pappu: Tum so jayo maa, mein Jyoti ke pass ja raha hoon.

*****

Santa went out to buy an Indian flag. The shop owner gave him the
flag. Guess what did he ask next...
Ismein aur colour dikhayiye.

*****
Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai & jumps into the well.
Santa: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?

*****
Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Banta: Me too, after u leave.

*****

Santa & Banta got tired of mobile & decide 2 use pigeons. 1day a
pigeon reaches Banta without message. Angry Banta calls Santa!
Santa: Oye, this was a missed call

*****

What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi

*****

Banta sent sms to Santa: Bhejnewala mahan, padhnewala gadha.
Santa got angry and replied: Bhejnewala gadha, padhnewala mahan.

*****
Santa found answer to the most difficult question ever- What comes
first - the chicken or the egg?
O yaar, jiska order pehle doge, vo ayega!
*****

From: Mystic on Sun Oct 15 11:49:32 2006.

Shakthiprabha wrote:

Some.... weird yet smilable jokes Embarassed

. hope its taken in right sense Rolling Eyes

_______________________

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"5, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!

**********
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

**********
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got heart attack & our driver ran away.

**********
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son,
that's confidential!

**********

From: P_R on Sun Oct 15 13:35:32 2006.

Shakthiprabha wrote:

Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next Morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's Apartment over night. The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriend's and Only one of them confirm that.
.
.

Men : A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the Very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So The wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirm that he stayed at
Their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claimingthat he still is There with them!

Conclusion of the story: Men are better friends ..

From: ajithfederer on Sun Oct 15 15:18:56 2006.

he he

Ellam Mayaa.......... Laughing

Shakthiprabha wrote:

Some.... weird yet smilable jokes Embarassed

. hope its taken in right sense Rolling Eyes

From: ramky on Sun Oct 15 18:55:18 2006.

'Efficient' Voice Activated telephones - to make everything 'easier' !

http://img291.imageshack.us/img291/6977/1cy8gifms6.gif
From: NOV on Sun Oct 15 23:13:59 2006.

Different Phases of a man:

After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman

=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called "Man, The Master of Women"?
Sales girl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====

The world's thinnest book has only one word written in it: "Everything"
and the book is titled: "What Women Want!"

=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====

A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.
A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND

=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====

Girlfriends are like chocolates, taste good anytime.
Lovers are like pizzas, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like Dal rice, eaten when there`s no choice

=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====

Man receives telegram: Wife dead - should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====

Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====

Factsof life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====

Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence

=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====

What men want: A woman who can cook, a woman who earns good money, a woman who loves him & a system to make sure that those 3 women never meet each other!

=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====

Lady to her maid: Oh Kanta, I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
Kanta : I don't believe it! You are just saying that to make me jealous!"

=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====

Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!

=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====x=====

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother & said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
From: NOV on Mon Oct 16 2:27:52 2006.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none ofyour business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can Iwatch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do Ido?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial

bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........
From: NOV on Mon Oct 16 2:29:50 2006.

Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates.

The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!"

Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea.

Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes.
Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea.

Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!"

The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest.

In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus.

Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared, what... I got condom!!!"
From: NOV on Mon Oct 16 2:35:05 2006.

I have a professional woman as my wife; a Chartered Accountant. Sheuses LIFO method while taking out the refrigerated food.

She thinks I am no good with numbers. Fine with me, for now she handles the budget of the house. Initially she used to send me a bill at the month end, but when I told her that I am not her client but her husband, she asks for the money in advance. The expenses had been rising steadily over the months, so one day I snooped into the papers maintained in a current file.
No wonder! She was charging mileage and overtime to the house budget.

She is crazy, I tell her but she corrects me. No honey, I am the auditor.

I fail to see the light. Every scrap of the paper in our house is filed. She tells me as per some Ordinance she must keep a copy of every thing for at least ten years before destroying it. I am worried.

The other day we had an hour-long fight. Later, I got to know that she had charged that hour to a client of hers, in the time sheet. My time was put down as unoccupied.

She says that she loves me and I tell her that I love her too. However, she never believes me. She says that there is susceptibility of it being a misstatement. Duh! She wants my representation on this!

Last year our house accounts got a qualified opinion. I had not kept the supporting etc. of my purchases.

Not a long time back my brother's wedding was to be solemnized. Wedding cards had been sent. After some time I started receiving a steady trickle of letters. I was puzzled until my wife explained that external evidence was more reliable. She had called for confirmations from all those to whom cards were sent.

When she cooks: my wife at times does not go by recipe. Where the recipe says add half-teaspoon vinegar,one tsp black salt or one teacup of water, she ignores them. She says that they are not material when taken in context of whole meal being prepared. She is crazy, I tell you. Surprisingly everybody calls her an auditor, instead. I checked the dictionary and it did not state that auditor is a synonym for crazy. The dictionary must be outdated.

When we got married, she had given me an Engagement Letter and I had said how cute-how sweet. Now she gives it to me every year saying that her standards state that it must be sent anew if there is any indication that I have misunderstood the objective and scope of engagement. Huh!

Apart from sending me the engagement letter once again she says I can't get rid of her just like that. She says that she has the right of being heard before I appoint some one else. Phew! For a minute, I thought that we had jeopardized our going concern status. Duh! Dare I say so??

I am told by one of my female colleagues who is married to a CA that the scenario is even worse when the guy is a CA. Apparently he capitalised the wedding expenses as preliminary expenses and is writing it off every year.

Also the time he spent dating his wife before marrying her is still under consideration for valuation...valuation of intangible assets.

So guyz please think twice....should u really marry a CA? and yes please discount it by the appropriate rate to arrive at the present value of the risk of doing so !!!!!!!

- An Auditee for life
From: NOV on Mon Oct 16 2:36:36 2006.

A car was involved in an accident in a street in KL. As expected, a large crowd gathered.

A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd immediately made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a pig.
From: mgb on Mon Oct 16 6:41:39 2006.

*************************
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
***************************
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
***************** **********
Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.
***************************
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.
**************************
There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.
***************************
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
***************************
I am a nutritional overachiever.
***************************
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
***************************
A day without sunshine is like night.
***************************
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
***************************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
***************************
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.
***************************
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes it comes alone.
***************************
Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.
**************************
I smile because I am your friend!

I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it.

From: dev on Mon Oct 16 21:54:56 2006.

NOV wrote:

So guyz please think twice....should u really marry a CA? and yes please discount it by the appropriate rate to arrive at the present value of the risk of doing so !!!!!!!

- An Auditee for life

From: ajithfederer on Mon Oct 16 23:13:08 2006.

he he @ dev akka Embarassed

dev wrote:

NOV wrote:

So guyz please think twice....should u really marry a CA? and yes please discount it by the appropriate rate to arrive at the present value of the risk of doing so !!!!!!!

- An Auditee for life

From: Hulkster on Tue Oct 17 2:23:56 2006.

Engae yetho pathikkura vaadai varuthu...ada namma sapaatu thalaivi madamu
From: hi on Wed Oct 18 21:56:56 2006.

[tscii]Hi�..

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,

"Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.

scroll down

.........

............ ......

............ ......... ........

...........

GOD is missing, and they think we did it!
From: ramky on Thu Oct 19 1:40:23 2006.

YOU ARE AN INDIAN IF..... ?

1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes.
2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminium foil.
3. You try to eject food particles from between your teeth by pressing your tongue against them and making
a peculiar noise like,tshick,tshick, tschick, tschick.
4. You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.
5. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it's normal.
6. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to mark up.
7. You recycle Wedding Gifts.
8. You name your children in rhythms (example, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam)
9. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
10. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No Food Allowed"
11. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
12. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.
13. You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.
14. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think, but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other "Uncles and Aunties" will think.
15. You buy and display crockery, which is for special occasions,which never happen.
16. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.
17. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
18. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.
19. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with some household items).
20. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).
21. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.
22. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
23. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old.(And they prefer it that way).
24. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.
25. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.
26. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are travelling by bus, train or plane.
27. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light.
28. You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.
29. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
30. You call an older person you never met before "uncle."
31. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.
32. Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.
33. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty.
34. It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.
35. All your Tupperware is stained with food color.
36. You have drinking glasses made of steel.
37. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.
From: NOV on Thu Oct 19 4:11:02 2006.

[tscii]An elderly Indian man calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough!�

"Appa, what are you talking about?" The son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her!"

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Kuala Lumpur immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling Anneh back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "They're coming home for Deepavali and also paying for their own travel fare."
From: NOV on Thu Nov 2 10:51:06 2006.

1. What is height of Fashion?
A. Dhoti with a zip

2. What is height of Secrecy?
A. Offering blank visiting cards.

3. What is height of Active laziness?
A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

5. What is height of Craziness?
A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

6. What is height of Forgetfulness?
A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you
saw him / her last.

7. What is height of Stupidity?
A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

8. What is height of Honesty?
A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

9. What is height of Suicide?
A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

10. What is height of De-hydration?
A. A cow giving milk powder
From: NOV on Thu Nov 2 11:29:20 2006.

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words.(This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her.

Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5). But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him.

So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling,I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said:

......Well, guess what she said ..........

...........well, she said........ ......

"Pardon?"

From: temporary sori-Observer on Thu Nov 2 14:10:03 2006.

NOV wrote:

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her.

NOV,
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�� ɡ�, �� á�
�� ȡ�
�� ȡ�
Ţ��ž�� ȡ�, ŢƢ¢�� ɡ�
�Ƹ�� ɢ �� ġ�
�� о�� ȡ�.
�� ġ ��ȡ�.

(fourth)
http://www.dishant.com/album/Paruvaragam.html

From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Nov 2 14:44:14 2006.

Honorable MEN

Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)
If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Aishwarya Rai "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Aiswarya Rai , You would have come up with Sushmita Sen . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Aishwarya Rai ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!!!!!!"
From: crazy on Sat Nov 4 5:34:43 2006.
From: imsai on Sat Nov 4 18:41:53 2006.

honorable men

From: mokshani on Sat Nov 4 21:02:10 2006.

ramky wrote:

.
These are actual Leave Applications & Letters submitted/written by employees of some Indian companies/Govt departments ( smileys & emphasis added by me )

* Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife Question

, please sanction me one-week leave." Very Happy

* This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the tonsure ceremony ( `mottai adikkarathu' ) of his 10 year old son:
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.." Confused

* From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it Shocked

, please grant me 10 days leave." Smile

* Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return Sad

, please grant me half day casual leave" Smile

* An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday." Razz

* A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me Rolling Eyes

today"

* Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

* Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..." Exclamation

* Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..." Rolling Eyes

* Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home oops2

I may be granted leave".

* Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well." Mad

* A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both Shocked

for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience Embarassed

, I am applying for the post. Razz

Hi ramki! We enjoyed all your jokes with family. Really funny.

From: rajnish on Mon Nov 6 8:50:19 2006.

Hey Sridhar,
You�re absolutely correct. We are the honorable men.
From: NOV on Mon Nov 6 23:04:39 2006.

A woman was walking down a Street in when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her purse, extracted ten ringgit and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with me and my husband tonight."

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious
with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."
From: crazy on Tue Nov 7 3:40:05 2006.
From: sipi on Tue Nov 7 12:15:22 2006.

Once 24 ants went for swimming. An elephant came there for bathing. When he jumped into the river, all the 23 ants were thrown to the bank. Only one ant was sitting on the head of the elephant. Then all the 23 ants shouted...
"avana thannila amukki kolluda"
From: crazy on Tue Nov 7 12:38:16 2006.
From: sipi on Tue Nov 7 12:40:56 2006.

enna idhu???? vizhundhu vizhundhu sirikiriya???
From: crazy on Tue Nov 7 12:45:35 2006.

sipi wrote:

enna idhu???? vizhundhu vizhundhu sirikiriya???

vizhundu illanna.............urundhu urundhu sirikkiren
From: sipi on Tue Nov 7 12:54:15 2006.

thoda.... hmmm... nalla thaan iruku... parthu urulu... pallu odanjida pogudhu... mudhugu elumbu pendhuda pogudhu... nee padikala????
From: crazy on Tue Nov 7 12:56:41 2006.

ponganna ...............naanum evalo treadla thaan poi idhaye repeat pannuradhu.............naan break edukkiren
From: sipi on Tue Nov 7 13:01:35 2006.

en sonna enna??? oru kashtamum illa... naalaiki exam vachinu innaiki thread la chat and games??? konjam kooda seri illa... do u like elephant and ant jokes???
From: crazy on Tue Nov 7 13:06:06 2006.

anna ............naalaikku illa thursday thaan exam

aama enakku pidikkum. enakkum konjam ant and elephant jokes theriyum..........anna neenga sonandhu theriyaadhu
From: sipi on Tue Nov 7 13:34:38 2006.

oh.. appadiya... seri one more joke is tehre...

oru forest, adhula oru othai adi paadhai... 4 ants poinu irukum... opposite la oru elephant varum....
odane ants ku kovam vandhudum... avanga enemya parthadhum... (appo 4 ant um pesikum)

ant 1 : avanuku evalo theriyam irukum, naama varom nu therinjum namma vazhila varan. avana thooki orama podanum.

ant 2: cha... avana chumma va thooki podanum... enaku vara kovathuku avanoda thumbi kaiya pichi eriyanum nu thonudhu...

ant 3: thumbi kaiya.... evalo theriyama nadandhu varan... avanoda kaala ellam odachidanum...

ant 4: hey, vittu thallungappa... avan thaniya varan... naama naalu peru irukom... pona pogatum...
From: chevy on Tue Nov 7 13:35:11 2006.

sipi wrote:

en sonna enna??? oru kashtamum illa... naalaiki exam vachinu innaiki thread la chat and games??? konjam kooda seri illa... do u like elephant and ant jokes???
sipi ..anna ... exam ku munadi than enjoy panna mudiyum .. after exam .. pana mudiyumo mudiyatho .. .result a poruthu iruku ..
From: crazy on Tue Nov 7 13:37:45 2006.

anna really good

iam just like those ants ........
From: sipi on Tue Nov 7 13:43:56 2006.

chevy wrote:

sipi ..anna ... exam ku munadi than enjoy panna mudiyum .. after exam .. pana mudiyumo mudiyatho .. .result a poruthu iruku ..

why u think like that chevy??? exams ku thaan worry seiyanum?? result ku edhuku worry seira?? exams ku worry senji ozhunga padicha result ku worry aaganum nu avasiyame illaiye...
From: sipi on Tue Nov 7 13:46:05 2006.

crazy wrote:

anna really good
iam just like those ants ........

u r words too... make me laugh... i think, maybe u know other jokes about elephant and ant...
From: crazy on Tue Nov 7 13:47:10 2006.

i know the one with elephant, ant and diapers
From: sipi on Tue Nov 7 13:54:16 2006.

hmm... yea... thats really a very superb one.... vera enna jokes theriyum?
From: crazy on Tue Nov 7 13:58:34 2006.

cant remember, most of the jokes were told by my friends when i was in india............inga yaarum jokes ellam solla maattaanga............so enakku perusa onnum theriyaadhu
neenga sollunga
From: sipi on Tue Nov 7 14:36:49 2006.

seri ok...

but, ant and elephant jokes ellam question and answer maadhiri irukum.. like kadi jokes.. naan question ketkuren nee answer sei.. maybe, i thought u will remember...

oru elephant speeda odi varum.. appo opposite la oru ant ketkum en ivalo speeda odurennu. appo elephant sollum enna oru hunter chase seirannu...

appo ant onnu sollum.. adha kettadhum elephant mayakam pottu vizhundhudum.. adhu enna?
From: crazy on Tue Nov 7 14:39:19 2006.

i know

en pinnaale olinchukko'nnu sollum andha ant elephant kitta, right?!
From: sipi on Tue Nov 7 14:43:36 2006.

hmm yes.. correct..

same.. adhe pola oru elephant odi varum.. malai uchi.. adhuku mela vazhi irukadhu... kizha oru ant irukum.. enna vishayam nu ketkum.. appo elephant sollum oru hunter chase seirannu.. adhuku ant onnu sollum.. adha kettadhum.. elephant tension aagi mela irundhu kizha mudhichi tharkolai pannikum..

enna sollum?
From: crazy on Tue Nov 7 14:45:28 2006.

no idea
From: sipi on Tue Nov 7 14:48:27 2006.

kizha kudhi, naan catch seirennu sollum...

next joke :

oru bike la elephant and ant travel seivanga.. oru accident aagidum.. elephant ku mattum adi padum ant ku adi padadhu.. why?
From: crazy on Tue Nov 7 14:50:44 2006.

i know, but cant remember..............maybe it was wearing a helmet or sth
From: sipi on Tue Nov 7 14:54:06 2006.

hmm yes.. correct...

seri adi patta elephant aa hospital ku kootinu povanga... appo doctor solluvaru... sorry, elephanta kaapatha mudiyadhu.. romba blood lose aagi iruku... rare group blood kidaikuradhu kashtam.. god thaan kaapathanum...

appo ant onnu sollum adha kettadhum doctor ku kovam vandhudum... whats that?
From: crazy on Tue Nov 7 14:56:32 2006.

Naan blod thaarennu solluma?

anna its so funny
naan ippo kilamburen, naalaikku or saturday namma elephant jokes continue pannuvom
pls pls pls naan varum varaikkum yaarukkum indha jokes sollitateenga, pls.............
From: sipi on Tue Nov 7 14:58:28 2006.

yes.. correct...

en odambula irukura ella blood aiyum eduthu eppadiyvadhu en frienda kaapathunga nu sollum...

hmmm.. seri... neee indha jokes a marandhutu.. nalla padi.. nalla thoongu.. nalla sapidu... and nalla exam pannu.. exam mudinjadhum.. forget about u r exam and result... vaa.. niraiya jokes yosichi vachikiren... adhukulla...
From: thamiz on Tue Nov 7 20:08:50 2006.

Do you go, buy a "cappuccino" in starbucks and spend an hour gossiping! If so, you may enjoy this comics!

http://www.comics.com/comics/pearls/archive/pearls-20061105.html

-------------------------------------------

Multiple results for venti: venti vento

venti:
Principal Translations/Traduzioni principali:
venti nm twenty
venti nmpl winds

-------------------------------------------
From: Braandan on Wed Nov 8 6:36:33 2006.

Thanks to Arcamax.
This joke was taken from Arcamax:

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.

The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.
From: NOV on Wed Nov 8 23:00:51 2006.

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there.

The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home. The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hour later.... The man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Dear, is the cat there?"

"Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.

Frustrated the man said," Put that damn cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions!! !

From: Surya on Wed Nov 8 23:09:43 2006.

NOV wrote:

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there.

The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home. The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hour later.... The man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Dear, is the cat there?"

"Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.

Frustrated the man said," Put that damn cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions!! !

That's a really good one!

From: NOV on Thu Nov 9 3:12:02 2006.

1. A Foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption:
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.

5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC

6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.

7. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.

8. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

9. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

10. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.
From: crazy on Thu Nov 9 4:12:23 2006.
From: dev on Fri Nov 10 10:02:57 2006.

@ NOV...

Crazy chellam, en ippadi oru signature!!!... Life is beautiful, isn't it???!!!...
From: ajithfederer on Fri Nov 10 11:34:40 2006.
From: bulb_mani on Fri Nov 10 11:38:13 2006.

Crazy people talk
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 5:03:45 2006.

crazy: indha thread engannu theduradhukulla podhum podhum nu aagidichi
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 5:05:17 2006.

at last ..........knadipudichitteenga

ok lets start
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 5:06:42 2006.

hmmm yosichinu iruken... ant and elephant joke edhuvum nyabagam varala...

seri answer for this...

oru bus la ram, lakshman, seetha travel seivanga... ram & lakshman kizha irangiduvanga.. seetha mattum window vazhiya veliya kudhipanga.. do u know why?
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 5:08:44 2006.

some effects from hanuman..............or sth
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 5:14:29 2006.

nooo...

seetha, padi thanda pathini.. avanga padi la iranga maatanga.. so, window vazhiya veliya vandhanga...

vasavi, un kitta oru happy news share pannika thaan innaiki online vandhen.. i got a job in fidelity & i am selected in prelims competitive exam... 2 good news..
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 5:18:00 2006.

hayya anna congrats ..................
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 5:20:35 2006.

hmm thanks...

vera enna joke???

fridge la elephant aa eppadi vaikanum nu theiryuma?
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 5:22:00 2006.

fridge thirandhu vaikkanum, some months ago idhe joke oru payyan sonna ngaabagam...........not sure though
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 5:23:36 2006.

hmm correct thaan.. but, one more answer is there..

kashta pattu vaikanum.. andha answer sonna illa idhu nu sollanum.. indha answer sonna illa adhu nu sollanum

seri.. innoru elephant eppadi vaikanum?
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 5:26:35 2006.

muthala eppadi elephant vaichomo, athe pola thaan idhayum vaikkanum or muthala vaicha elephant remove pannittu indha new elephant vaikkanum
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 5:30:11 2006.

hmm paravala romba brilliant aa thaan iruka..

seri.. answer for this question...

oru plane poinu irukum.. plane la edho problem vandhudum, solve panna mudiyadhu.. anga oru samiyar iruparu.. avar solluvaru vaanam bali ketkudhu.. edhavadhu oru uyira bali kodutha ellaraiyum kaapathidalam nu...

but, yaarume tharkolai panninu mathavangala kaapatha ishtam pada maatanga... ippo avanga ellam eppadi thappipanga? andha problem la irundhu...
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 5:34:00 2006.

saamiyaara bali kotuthuduvaanga

anna i told u, neenga ketta indha elephant joke some months ago oru payyan enakku sonnaan, athaan correcta answer pannitten
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 5:39:55 2006.

nee correcta answer panninadhuku naan unna brilliant nu sollala.. some month before sonna answer aa innum nyabagam vachinu irundhadhuku thaan unna paaratinen...

illa samiyara bali koduka maatanga... elephant irukura fridge thooki kizha pottuduvanga.... (elephant um oru uyir thaane?)

Interviewer to a sardar : Tell me the opposite words for "made in India"

Sardar : Pallam in Pakistan

Int : Good!!! Sharpa irukingale

Sar : Bad!!! mokkaiya irukingale

Int : podhum, relax agikanga

Sar : podhadhu, tension aagikanga

Int : Mister! neenga select aagala

Sar : Madam! neenga select aagitinga

Int : Mudhalla neenga idatha kaali pannunga

Sar : Kadaisila neenga idatha nirapunga

Int : Kadavule! kapathu

Sar : Sathane! kapathadha
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 5:49:06 2006.

anna i used to tell sardarji joke to my classamtes..............
indha joke nalla irukkum i shall tell them this one
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 6:00:55 2006.

seri.. oru cricket play ground.. adhula last ball 2 runs edutha win.. captain 6 adichi win panniduvaru.. odane irandhuduvaru, how?
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 6:03:18 2006.

u mean he dies?

theriyalaye
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 6:22:05 2006.

yes, he dies...

flight la irundhu fridge thooki poduvangala (elephant irukura fridge) adhu, andha captain thalaila vizhundhudum...
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 6:23:53 2006.

sipi wrote:

yes, he dies...

flight la irundhu fridge thooki poduvangala (elephant irukura fridge) adhu, andha captain thalaila vizhundhudum...

anna enakku indha rendu joke'kum connection irukknu theriyaadhu
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 6:25:28 2006.

hmmm.. yes... connection irukunu theirya koodadhu.. adhunala thaaan naduvula vera oru joke sonnen..

actually, idhu continues aa 4 jokes varum.. fridge la elephant vachidhula irundhu last varaikum.. i created the last 2
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 6:25:47 2006.

Sardar to his friend : I kiss my wife every day before i go to office & u?

friend : I kiss your wife after u go to office

sardar : hahaha... oye i kissed first....
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 6:26:32 2006.

sipi wrote:

Sardar to his friend : I kiss my wife every day before i go to office & u?

friend : I kiss your wife after u go to office

sardar : hahaha... oye i kissed first....

From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 6:27:04 2006.

sipi wrote:

hmmm.. yes... connection irukunu theirya koodadhu.. adhunala thaaan naduvula vera oru joke sonnen..

actually, idhu continues aa 4 jokes varum.. fridge la elephant vachidhula irundhu last varaikum.. i created the last 2

great talent'na

From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 6:39:04 2006.

thanks

lecturer : write a note about Gandhi jayanthi

sardar writes : "Gandhi was a great person", "Jayanthi is a beautiful girl"
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 6:39:25 2006.

interviewer : just imagine you are in 3rd floor, which is on fire. how will you escape from there?

Sardar : easy, i will stop my imagination !!!
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 6:42:17 2006.

sipi wrote:

interviewer : just imagine you are in 3rd floor, which is on fire. how will you escape from there?

Sardar : easy, i will stop my imagination !!!
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 6:44:43 2006.

One day two sardars met and started chatting. The main topic of the conversation was about how others view sardars. They felt that sardars are being ridiculed too much by others.

They wanted to teach others a good lesson. Soon they had a plan for that. Said one Sardar to the other, 'We two will go to beach tomorrow morning. We should keep on staring at the sea. People in anxiety will crowd behind us but we should not turn to see them. Finally in the night or so we will turn and say 'Hey Fools! What you think of sardars?'. That will be a good lesson. What do you feel?'.

The other one was simply overwhelmed. He said 'that's really great!' and hugged him. Next day the two sardars went to the beach and did according to the plan. Soon they heard murmuring behind them and were happy.

Time passed by and the noise from behind was increasing more. The two smiled at each other but didn't turn.

It became late night and the sardars decided to turn to see the crowd. The sardars were shocked not because the crowd was more than expected BUT ALL IN THE CROWD WERE SARDARS!!!

vasavi : kili (parrot) en pachaiya irukunu theriyuma?
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 6:48:22 2006.

cos it eat pachai leaf

anna i read a joke similar to this one

From: bulb_mani on Sat Nov 11 7:16:21 2006.

sipi wrote:

One day two sardars met and started chatting. The main topic of the conversation was about how others view sardars. They felt that sardars are being ridiculed too much by others.

They wanted to teach others a good lesson. Soon they had a plan for that. Said one Sardar to the other, 'We two will go to beach tomorrow morning. We should keep on staring at the sea. People in anxiety will crowd behind us but we should not turn to see them. Finally in the night or so we will turn and say 'Hey Fools! What you think of sardars?'. That will be a good lesson. What do you feel?'.

The other one was simply overwhelmed. He said 'that's really great!' and hugged him. Next day the two sardars went to the beach and did according to the plan. Soon they heard murmuring behind them and were happy.

Time passed by and the noise from behind was increasing more. The two smiled at each other but didn't turn.

It became late night and the sardars decided to turn to see the crowd. The sardars were shocked not because the crowd was more than expected BUT ALL IN THE CROWD WERE SARDARS!!!

vasavi : kili (parrot) en pachaiya irukunu theriyuma?

We enjoy sardar jokes but in reality it is a shame on us. In 1930 when India was under british rule all Sardars fought bravely and there was an upheavel among them. So the british were infuriated and started to write comic books on them and still shamelessly we lamers continue it

Plz avoid Sardar Jokes.. if u wish , change the word sardar to " british " or " britons "... Sardars always say " one son for the farm and one son for the nation" thats why many serve in the indian army. Be Indian

From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 7:23:33 2006.

illa vasavi... kili seriya vegala, adhan pachaiya iruku...

seri, maram, chedi, kodi ellam en pachaiya iruku???

Robert decided to go on picnic with his friend, Albert. They took the the Robert's minivan for the picnic. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a heavy rain. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.'I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid that the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my home.'

'Don't worry,' Robert said, 'we'll be happy to sleep in the farm yard, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared and they went on their way and enjoyed the picnic.

About nine months later, Robert got an unexpected letter from an advocate. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the Lawyer of that attractive widow he met on that night during their picnic.

He dropped in on his friend Albert and asked, 'Albert, do you remember that good-looking widow whose farm yard we stayed at on our picnic'.

'Yes, I do.'

'Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?'

'Yes,' Albert said, a little embarrassed about being found out. 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?'

Albert's face turned red and he said, 'Yeah, sorry robert, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

'Well... she just died and left me everything.'

AND YOU THOUGHT THE ENDING WOULD BE DIFFERENT, DIDN'T YOU???

From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 7:26:32 2006.

bulb_mani wrote:

so, u received this in mail or sms???? mani, i know about the sikhs history more than this... just ippadi jokes solradhunala avangala pathi thappa pesurom nu artham illa.. i felt its just a joke.. en indian aa vachi evalavo jokes iruku, adha ellam chinna vayasula yaarum sonnadhu illa, adhe pola thamizhan vachi joke um niriaya iruku.. joke aa verum joke aa mattum parkanum mani...

ippadi jokes solradhunala, avangala criticise panrom nu artham illa..

From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 7:27:20 2006.

enna naama adhukku pachai thanni oothurom, so pachaiya irukku

yes i thought it would end differently, but
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 7:29:57 2006.

hmmm.. yes, correct vasavi...

ant and elephant, kannam poochi vilaiyatu vilaiyaduvanga... appo elephant kanna moodikum, ant pooi oru temple la olinjikum... elephant correcta kandu pidichidum..

how?
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 7:32:17 2006.

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

'Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine,' the nun said while patting his hand. 'We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?'

'No, I'm not,' the man whispered hoarsely.

'Can you pay in cash?'.

'I'm afraid I can't, Sister.'

'Do you have any close relatives, then?'

'Just my sister in New Mexico,' the patient replied. 'But she's a spinster nun.'

'Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith,' the nun replied. 'They are married to God.'

'Okay,' the man said with a smile. 'Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.'

note : odane yaarum, dont criticise jesus. he didnt came to spread a new religion, he like to spread love. avar anba podhika vandharu.. avara pathi thappa pesadhingannu sollidadhinga.. its just a joke
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 7:33:26 2006.

temple sugar irukkum or some sort of sweets irukkum, atha vaichu elephant kandu pidichidum
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 7:34:55 2006.

adhellam illa vasavi.. adhu temple illaiya, so ant veliyave chappal kazhati vachitu ulla poi irukum... andha chappala parthutu elephant kandu pidikum
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 7:35:05 2006.

anna

From: bulb_mani on Sat Nov 11 7:38:24 2006.

sipi wrote:

bulb_mani wrote:

China China Thappu Thaan Periya Thapuku Vidhai... Sardara fools madiri project panradunala periya periya misconceptions mathavanguluku varum

From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 7:38:31 2006.

rendu elephant bus stand la nikkum.. oru bus vandhadhum, oru elephant mattum erikum innoru elephant eradhu. why?
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 7:39:44 2006.

sipi wrote:

rendu elephant bus stand la nikkum.. oru bus vandhadhum, oru elephant mattum erikum innoru elephant eradhu. why?

bus'la adhukku idam illa...........or andha first elephant ernadum, buss nasingi irukkum
From: bulb_mani on Sat Nov 11 7:40:06 2006.

sipi wrote:

rendu elephant bus stand la nikkum.. oru bus vandhadhum, oru elephant mattum erikum innoru elephant eradhu. why?

Onu Erumbodhu Inum onu Epadi Era Mudiyum
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 7:42:40 2006.

bulb_mani wrote:

China China Thappu Thaan Periya Thapuku Vidhai... Sardara fools madiri project panradunala periya periya misconceptions mathavanguluku varum

i dont think so mani... appadi partha indian ey vache evalavo jokes iruku.. idha vida mattamana jokes ellam... see, appadi jokes sonnadhu nala yaarukum india mela patru illainu artham illa... thats a joke.. jokes sirika mattum thaan...

ippadi jokes solradhunala yaaroda peraiyum pugazhaiyum kurachida mudiyadhu....

u know abt the gandhiji life.. avar starting life la evalo criticising meet panni irukar theriyum la? edhuvume avara paadhikala.. even, avara magathma, desa thandai nu sonnadhuku appuram kooda avar mela niraiya criticising irundhadhu...

see mani, yaaro edhuvo solradhu ellam appadiye unmai aagidum nu sollida mudiyadhu..
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 7:43:45 2006.

both the answers are wrong...

adhu ladies special... so, he elephant erala
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 7:45:48 2006.

sipi wrote:

both the answers are wrong...

adhu ladies special... so, he elephant erala

idhellam monday class'ku poi friends kitta sollanum
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 7:47:25 2006.

hmmm seri... all the best... but, parthu adichida poranga... naan niraiya adi vangi iruken..

2 elephants karumbu thottathukulla pogum... oru elephant mattum ellam sapidum innoru elephant edhuvum sapidadhu.. why?
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 7:48:18 2006.

vasavi, see my signature. thats the reply for u r signature. i wrote that for u...
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 7:49:08 2006.

Once, 4 Fools decide to start a business, so they work day in and day out to raise some investment and are finally successful. They then open a garage , but it runs out of business, why?

Ans: It was on the 4th floor.

Then they decide to open a restaurant, but that doesn't work either, Why?

Ans: They forget to remove the garage board!

They then sell that place and buy a taxi but it seldom does any business, Why?

Ans: All 4 of them sit in the taxi and there is no place for anyone else to sit!!

They finally decide that their taxi is cursed and go to push it off the cliff but it doesn't fall, Why?

Ans:2 push it from the front and 2 from back!!!
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 7:49:26 2006.

the other one got sugar diabetes
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 7:50:50 2006.

sipi wrote:

vasavi, see my signature. thats the reply for u r signature. i wrote that for u...

anna when i saw it early this morning, i thought so, but .............i wasnt asking u
anyway thank u..................
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 7:51:21 2006.

illa.. diet la iruku...
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 7:52:46 2006.

sipi wrote:

illa.. diet la iruku...

anna, mbut dont u think my answer was fun too

naan idha monday class kettkum podhu........yarachum diet'nu sonna, naan illa adhukku sugar irukkunnu solla poren
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 7:53:46 2006.

crazy wrote:

anna when i saw it early this morning, i thought so, but .............i wasnt asking u
anyway thank u..................

hmmm... yesterday i posted those message in my signature... 3 days aa manasu seri illa.. un signature nala... so, i thought abt this...

From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 7:55:17 2006.

sipi wrote:

crazy wrote:

anna when i saw it early this morning, i thought so, but .............i wasnt asking u
anyway thank u..................

hmmm... yesterday i posted those message in my signature... 3 days aa manasu seri illa.. un signature nala... so, i thought abt this...

sorrynna, naan thaan last 2 days hub'ku varala, so paarkkala, anyway let me change my sign..........................i dont want my dearest brother to feel sad b'coz of me

From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 7:55:42 2006.

crazy wrote:

anna, mbut dont u think my answer was fun too
naan idha monday class kettkum podhu........yarachum diet'nu sonna, naan illa adhukku sugar irukkunnu solla poren

hmmm, yes.. thats like a brilliant girl... do u know one thing.. naan andha question post seiyum bodhu sugar diabetes thaan manasula ninaichinu irundhen... nee adhe answer sollavo naan odane answer maathiten, diet nu

From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 7:57:16 2006.

sipi wrote:

crazy wrote:

anna, mbut dont u think my answer was fun too
naan idha monday class kettkum podhu........yarachum diet'nu sonna, naan illa adhukku sugar irukkunnu solla poren Smile

hmmm, yes.. thats like a brilliant girl... do u know one thing.. naan andha question post seiyum bodhu sugar diabetes thaan manasula ninaichinu irundhen... nee adhe answer sollavo naan odane answer maathiten, diet nu Wink

annan thangai rendu perume .............brilliant

From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 7:58:31 2006.

crazy wrote:

sorrynna, naan thaan last 2 days hub'ku varala, so paarkkala, anyway let me change my sign..........................i dont want my dearest brother to feel sad b'coz of me

hmmm.. its ok da... dont say sorry to your dearest brother.. anna ku ellam sorry sollanum nu avasiyam illa... just i want to make my sis life as more and more enthusiam then all.. there is nothing in our life to get worry... ennoda past life ninaichi partha?? hmm adhu edhuku, adhuvum public la...

see, ellame nammaloda nalladhuku thaan.. so, always show u r face with your beautiful smile, make others happy.
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 8:00:43 2006.

crazy wrote:

annan thangai rendu perume .............brilliant

hmmmmmmmmm yessssssssssss... i didnt have doubt in it... onnu sollata.. next jenmam nu onnu irundha... nee en kooda pirakanum... ennoda own sister aa irukanum..

(romba overa iruka?)

From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 8:00:51 2006.

sipi wrote:

crazy wrote:

sorrynna, naan thaan last 2 days hub'ku varala, so paarkkala, anyway let me change my sign..........................i dont want my dearest brother to feel sad b'coz of me Smile

hmmm.. its ok da... dont say sorry to your dearest brother.. anna ku ellam sorry sollanum nu avasiyam illa... just i want to make my sis life as more and more enthusiam then all.. there is nothing in our life to get worry... ennoda past life ninaichi partha?? Question

hmm adhu edhuku, adhuvum public la...

see, ellame nammaloda nalladhuku thaan.. so, always show u r face with your beautiful smile, make others happy.

ennoda past and present both stinks ................but ellaam nanmaikke..........idha chat treada maatinadhukku naalaikku namakku thittu vizha podhu

anna cont ur jokes

From: bulb_mani on Sat Nov 11 8:01:34 2006.

sipi wrote:

bulb_mani wrote:

China China Thappu Thaan Periya Thapuku Vidhai... Sardara fools madiri project panradunala periya periya misconceptions mathavanguluku varum Embarassed

i dont think so mani... appadi partha indian ey vache evalavo jokes iruku.. idha vida mattamana jokes ellam... see, appadi jokes sonnadhu nala yaarukum india mela patru illainu artham illa... thats a joke.. jokes sirika mattum thaan...

ippadi jokes solradhunala yaaroda peraiyum pugazhaiyum kurachida mudiyadhu....

u know abt the gandhiji life.. avar starting life la evalo criticising meet panni irukar theriyum la? edhuvume avara paadhikala.. even, avara magathma, desa thandai nu sonnadhuku appuram kooda avar mela niraiya criticising irundhadhu...

see mani, yaaro edhuvo solradhu ellam appadiye unmai aagidum nu sollida mudiyadhu..

COrrect Sipi same holds good for THALA AJITH

From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 8:03:46 2006.

sipi wrote:

crazy wrote:

annan thangai rendu perume .............brilliant Smile

hmmmmmmmmm yessssssssssss... i didnt have doubt in it... onnu sollata.. next jenmam nu onnu irundha... nee en kooda pirakanum... ennoda own sister aa irukanum..

(romba overa iruka?)

joke of this year, thank god namam rendu perayum thavira vera yaarum illai, irundha nee brilliantannu kettu seruppaala adichu iruppaanga

anna, i dont want to reborn ...............the only thing iam scared of is the thought of being born again

From: bulb_mani on Sat Nov 11 8:07:46 2006.

Real advertisements

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by han
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 8:09:06 2006.
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 8:10:50 2006.

crazy wrote:

ennoda past and present both stinks ................but ellaam nanmaikke..........idha chat treada maatinadhukku naalaikku namakku thittu vizha podhuanna cont ur jokes

oh... adhellam vera iruka??? (appo kooda naan thapichiduven, i posted lot of jokes here)

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. "
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 8:12:59 2006.

bulb_mani wrote:

COrrect Sipi same holds good for THALA AJITH

hmmm.. yes ofcourse.. that will suitable for ilaiya thalapathi also...

A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a parrot.

He pulled over, picked the poor parrot, who was still alive, but Unconscious.

He decided to take him home.

When the motorist got home, he put the parrot in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside.

When the parrot regained consciousness, he looked around and said:
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"BARS, bread, water!!!!... Oh my God!! I have killed the motorist!!!! !"
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 8:13:02 2006.

(che ippadiya thangaiya adi vaanga vittuttu thappikkiradhu, enna anna neenga, idhulla adhutha jenmathila onna vera pirakkanuma?!)

From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 8:16:17 2006.

crazy wrote:

joke of this year, thank god namam rendu perayum thavira vera yaarum illai, irundha nee brilliantannu kettu seruppaala adichu iruppaanga Laughing

anna, i dont want to reborn ...............the only thing iam scared of is the thought of being born again Sad

who will??? naan irukum bodhu chumma vituduvena?? en thangachi brilliant thaan.. yaaru enna solradhu???

see, i am also not interested in reborn... but, i said if it happens...

----------------------

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 8:17:56 2006.

anna today in full form?!
From: bulb_mani on Sat Nov 11 8:18:02 2006.

sipi wrote:

bulb_mani wrote:

COrrect Sipi same holds good for THALA AJITH

hmmm.. yes ofcourse.. that will suitable for ilaiya thalapathi also...

Debate On Biryani

With Chicken Biryani we get egg but with egg biryabi we dont get chicken.. So we conclude Kozhila Irundhudhan Muttai Vandhudhu
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 8:18:41 2006.

bulb_mani wrote:

Debate On Biryani

With Chicken Biryani we get egg but with egg biryabi we dont get chicken.. So we conclude Kozhila Irundhudhan Muttai Vandhudhu
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 8:20:33 2006.

crazy wrote:

(che ippadiya thangaiya adi vaanga vittuttu thappikkiradhu, enna anna neenga, idhulla adhutha jenmathila onna vera pirakkanuma?!)

avasara pattu post pannita... oru 3 mins wait panni irukalam... check my previous reply...

------

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.
From: bulb_mani on Sat Nov 11 8:22:41 2006.

Vadivel : Ada Unga Dress Supera irukku Deepvaliki Eduthadha?

Parthiban : Ila Enaku Eduthadhu
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 8:23:20 2006.

( take back my words, ok'va anna?) feeling hungry ...........poi saapittu vaaren,
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 8:24:37 2006.

crazy wrote:

anna today in full form?!

full form um illa.. half form um illa... just i have some collection of jokes.. adha ellam copy and paste panren.. avalo thaan

-----

A patient lying on the operating table started screaming, "I don't want to be cut open! You'll kill me! I don't want to die!"
The surgeon tried to calm the patient.
"Just take it easy, sir," he said. "Look at my long white beard. I've done thousands of operations and nothing has ever gone wrong."
"Oh, doctor, you're right! I know I can trust you!" replied the patient.
When the patient awoke after the operation, he looked around and saw the same white beard and said, "Oh, thank you, doctor! You are a saint!"
"It's okay, son, you don't have to thank me. I am not your doctor -- my name is St. Peter!"
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 8:25:50 2006.

crazy wrote:

( take back my words, ok'va anna?) feeling hungry ...........poi saapittu vaaren,

ok da... bye take care.. enna koopidama porala?? en kooda pesadhe...

From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 9:06:26 2006.

sipi wrote:

crazy wrote:

( take back my words, ok'va anna?) feeling hungry ...........poi saapittu vaaren, Wave

ok da... bye take care.. enna koopidama porala?? Evil or Very Mad

en kooda pesadhe...

sorry...............

vandutten............joke pls

From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 9:55:02 2006.

hi vasavi... hmmm.... ippo thaan signature romba nalla iruku...

-------

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 9:58:20 2006.
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 10:10:19 2006.

An anxious husband called the hospital helpdesk to ask about his wife who was pregnant.

But accidentally, he called to the cricket stadium.

He asked, "How are things?"

But he died after hearing this reply:

"Fine!! Three are out, we hope to have the remaining seven out by lunch. And the last one out was a duck."
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 10:12:02 2006.

ivalo jokes kai vasam vaichirukkeenga, how?
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 11:18:42 2006.

innum niraiya vachinu iruken.. i like jokes... so, naan padikira jokes ellam save panni vachipen.. adhe pola en kitta quote's um niraiya irukum.. naanum sila quote's ezhudhi vachipen.. just oru aasai...

------

A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."
From: crazy on Sat Nov 11 11:20:51 2006.
From: sipi on Sat Nov 11 11:29:28 2006.

F.B.I. phone logs

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

From: Surya on Sat Nov 11 17:35:43 2006.

sipi wrote:

An anxious husband called the hospital helpdesk to ask about his wife who was pregnant.

But accidentally, he called to the cricket stadium.

He asked, "How are things?"

But he died after hearing this reply:

"Fine!! Three are out, we hope to have the remaining seven out by lunch. And the last one out was a duck."

From: NOV on Sun Nov 12 9:30:20 2006.

Kindly refrain from chatting in this thread.

From: bulb_mani on Sun Nov 12 9:33:09 2006.

NOV wrote:

Kindly refrain from chatting in this thread. Evil or Very Mad

A joke dedicated to NOV

and SURYA

Quote:

Real advertisements 03

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

From: selvakumar on Thu Nov 16 1:10:14 2006.

MBA Vs Engineer

A MBA and a Engineer go on a camping trip,
set up their tent, and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend. "
Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

The MBA ponders for a minute.

" Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately
a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is
all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have
a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

The Engineer is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".

From: c4ramesh on Thu Nov 16 5:22:44 2006.

selvakumar wrote:

MBA Vs Engineer

A MBA and a Engineer go on a camping trip,
set up their tent, and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend. "
Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

The MBA ponders for a minute.

" Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately
a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is
all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have
a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

The Engineer is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".

Actually a variation of this joke was given the best joke of the year sometime back.

From: c4ramesh on Thu Nov 16 6:04:39 2006.

Kaun Banenga Father?

Sardarji is on on KBC 2

Amitabh : apka 13th question 25 lakh yeh raha apke samne.. (your 13th question for 25 lakhs in front of you)

Contestant Sardar is tensed.

Amitabh : Who is the father of Abhishek Bachan?

Computer Screen:

A. Amitabh Bachan B. Laloo Prasad Yadav
C. Moh. Azhar D. General Perverz Musharaff.

Amitabh : Apka kya jawab hai ? (what is your answer?)

(He is quite sure that Sardar will opt for A)
But Sardar is still confused.

Amitabh : Apke pas do life line hai..(50:50 and phone a friend) (you have 2 life lines)

Sardar: I think it is A but am not sure.

Amitabh : Not sure... Hmmm Ap kya karna chahenge? (what do you want to do?)

Sardar : I would like to use 50:50?

Amitabh: Ok computer , 2 galat javabo ko mita de.. (remove two wrong answers)

Computer after deleting two names, leaves two options which are: -

B. Laloo Prasad Yadav.
C. Moh. Azhar.

Amitabh is confused and tensed thinks how come the computer has made this mistake But as is said in bollywood the show must go on. Now Sardar is even more confused.

Sardar: I would like to use the last life line phone a friend..

Amitabh : Ap kisko phone karna chahenge? (whom do you like to call?)

Sardar : Mein Jaya Bachan ji ko phone karna chahoonga. (I want to phone Jaya bachan)

Amitabh Bachchan Shocked !!! But the Call gets connected to Jaya Bachchan

Santa Singh: "Jayaji, Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan!?"

Receiving reply from JAYA, Amitabh Bachan faints..

GUESS WHY?

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Jaya Bachchan ask's him "What are the options?"
From: NOV on Thu Nov 16 22:10:47 2006.

HOW WE WISH....

1. **5 minutes ago you were traveling to office at 80 mph. in your brand new car. Now you are traveling to hospital at double the speed in an ambulance, You wish there was 'undo (ctrl + Z)' in life!

2. **You are already late, and your key is missing, You wish there was 'find tool (ctrl+F)' in life!

3. **You are a bankrupt, after investing in some weird business, You wish there was 'rebuild all' in life!

4. **The train is so crowded that you cannot get anywhere near that nice girl at the other end, You wish there was 'zoom & view full screen'in life!

5. **After marriage you realize that there is bound to be a mismatch, You wish there was an valuation period' or atleast a 'sample download' or a 'demo version'!

6. **One day you realize that you are turning bald, You wish there was 'cut and paste (ctrl + X)/ (ctrl + C)' in life!

7. **The best part of the keyboard is U & I are together which is not always there in life......
From: c4ramesh on Fri Nov 17 11:08:23 2006.

Obedience

It seems that Musharaf and Manmohan arranged a competition to determine whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the designated hour, on a cliff high above the water. Each was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed. The leaders shook hands.

Manmohan went first. He addressed his battalion:

"param vir! Front and center."

Param Vir saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.

"Param Vir! March to the edge of the cliff."

Param Vir saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

"Param Vir! Jump!"

Param Vir just stood there, unmoving.

"Param Vir! I said jump!"

The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless.

"Param Vir! This is your Prime Minister. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!" Param Vir wailed out: "I can't! I have a wife--and a family!"

The other soilders arrived and escorted Param Vir away for court martial. Manmohan backed off in disgrace. It was now Musharaff's turn.

"Khan! Front and center."

Khan saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his President.

"Khan! March to the edge of the cliff."

Khan saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

"Khan! Jump!"

Khan jumped off the cliff.

By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Khan is badly injured, but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher.

As Khan is carried passed Param Vir, Param Vir cannot resist asking him:

"Khan! How could you do it? How could you jump?"

Khan answered: "I had to! I have a wife--and a family!"
From: c4ramesh on Fri Nov 17 11:11:54 2006.

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?�
Millionaire: �I owe everything to my wife.�
Interviewer: �Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?�
Millionaire: �A Billionaire�
From: bulb_mani on Fri Nov 17 11:17:50 2006.

Selva that joke was actually a dialogue between SHERLOCK HOLMES and DR. WATSON anyhow a good one
From: c4ramesh on Fri Nov 17 11:23:56 2006.

Employees of a Software Company are all worried, some are roaming around.

Some are in Loud discussions during office time.

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, They asked, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Project Manager. They're asking for a Rs.50 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire."

We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection.

One Trainee asks, How much is everyone giving, on average?

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"About a litre."
From: Alan on Fri Nov 17 12:29:53 2006.

lol@ramesh!
From: Mystic on Sat Nov 18 4:39:46 2006.

LOL@ Selvakumar, NOV, Ramesh
From: c4ramesh on Sat Nov 18 6:49:35 2006.

Know whom you are talking to?

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
From: c4ramesh on Sat Nov 18 6:55:47 2006.

WOMEN'S RIGHTS

The following took place at an international conference for women's rights.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

(The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing,
but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.

(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said," After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued...........................

"Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing.

Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing,

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>but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye."
From: c4ramesh on Sat Nov 18 7:01:24 2006.

What gender is a computer?

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
From: c4ramesh on Sat Nov 18 7:06:34 2006.

How to teach our policticans to be agressive in the face of Pakistani terror attack?

What to do if you get a chance to talk with some Indian polictianslike Manmohan singh, about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in retaliation but believes in complaining to international forums and peace talks:

1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.

2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"

3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."

4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.

5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.

6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.

7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.
From: c4ramesh on Sat Nov 18 7:12:08 2006.

ARMY Vs MARINES!

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked.

"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
From: Alan on Sat Nov 18 7:41:20 2006.

lol@c4ramesh- too good!
From: c4ramesh on Sat Nov 18 14:26:49 2006.

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouts across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is that you? "Come on over here a minute!" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?"

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic...
"Now try doing it with the engine running!"
From: c4ramesh on Sat Nov 18 14:43:25 2006.

What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?" He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. --or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news." The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops." Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests." I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you." He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound." I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little." Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up." The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal." Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests." I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around." My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

From: c4ramesh on Sat Nov 18 16:01:26 2006.

NOV wrote:

1. What is height of Fashion?
A. Dhoti with a zip

2. What is height of Secrecy?
A. Offering blank visiting cards.

3. What is height of Active laziness?
A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

5. What is height of Craziness?
A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

6. What is height of Forgetfulness?
A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you
saw him / her last.

7. What is height of Stupidity?
A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

8. What is height of Honesty?
A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

9. What is height of Suicide?
A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

10. What is height of De-hydration?
A. A cow giving milk powder

11. What is the height of optimism?
A. Ganguly applying sunscreen cream before going out to bat.

From: c4ramesh on Sat Nov 18 16:09:24 2006.

Vaada Machan - Run

Nadu Rathiriyil enthiruchi office pona, HCLnu therinjuko

Vidiye kalaiyil veetuku vanthal, CTSnu therinjuko

Vaaram orukka veetukku vanthal, Infosysnnu therinjukko

Ambathu mailuku oru reply adicha, Accenturenu therinjuko

Velai kidachum vettiya ukkantha, Mascon'nu therinjuko

Daily thanni adichu velaiku pona, Hexawarenu therinjuko

Innamum solren therinjiko

Decode panni purinjiko

Vaada machchan Programmer aaite
tan-ta tan-taen

Paithiyam pudichi munnuku vanthutte
tan-ta tan-taen

Vella illanaa kavala vendaam, TCS irukkuthu therinjuko Oh yea

VP panna love panna neraya, Poi sollanum therinjuko Oh yea

Career illadha cycledhanda, Corporate Worldnu therinjuko

Deadline kooda Mega serial pola, Ezhuluthu adikanum therinjiko

Innummum solren therunjuko

Code eluthi purinjuko

Vaada machchan Programmer aaite

Paithiyam pudichi inge vanthutte

Immsai immsaiyo mo, Oh yae!

Immsai immsaiyo mo, Oh yae!

Immsai immsai, immsai immsai, Don't go!

PL vandhu sirichu pesunaa, Vela varudhunu therinjiko

Cauvery poala hike thara maruththa, Wipro technu therunjuko

Dharalamaa Salary koduthaal, Verizonnu therunjuko

HR dept'la irundhu call vandhaal, Confirm aagitaaruu therinjiko

Innummum solrean therunjuko

Treat kodduththu therunjukoa

Vaadaa machchan Programmer aagite

Kirukku pudichu inge vandhute!
From: c4ramesh on Sat Nov 18 16:27:01 2006.

Special High Intensity Training - S.H.I.T.

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Employees
FROM: Communications Services
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.

If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.

Thank You.

Boss in General
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
From: c4ramesh on Sat Nov 18 23:30:58 2006.

Brave Soldiers

An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir"

"Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bad. "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir."

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir."
From: Mystic on Sun Nov 19 11:37:02 2006.

Ramesh :
From: hi on Sun Nov 19 22:49:52 2006.

[tscii]Hi�..

Just read through these interesting comments�� Really funny�.!!!!

Marriages are made in heaven
, then what are made in Hell?
Ans : the days after marriage

During Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom is made to sit on the horse ?
He is given his last chance to run away.

I wrote ur name on the sand ............ .
it got washed away,
I wrote ur name in air......... ......... ........
it got blown away,
So i wrote ur name in my heart....... ......
I got a HEART ATTACK

LOVE is like a CIGAR
It starts with a fire..... continues with smoke.....and ends in ashes...
But dont worry - we are chain smokers

ur smile can be compared to a flower
ur voice can be compared to a cuckoo
ur inocence to a child
but in stupidity
u have no comparison
u r the best

True love is like a pillow
u can hug when u r in trouble
u can cry on when u r in pain & u can embrace when u r happy
so when u need true love
spend Rs.50/-Buy a pillow

Dear Friend,

when i ask u flower,
u give me bouquet
when i ask u a stone
u give me a statue
when i ask u a feather
u give me peacock

ARE U REALLY DEAF ?

when i call u;
1 ring means i'm thinking of u;
2 ring means i like u;
3 means i miss u;
4 means .........pick d phone idiot

Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. change it to exclamatory sentence ..
Student : WOW !

History Teacher : From where to where did the mughals rule ?
Student : sir, i am not sure but think from page 15 to 26 sir....

Teacher : U failure ! @ ur age Bill gates stood first in the class
Student : Mind u, Sir, but @ ur age hitler commited suicide
From: NOV on Mon Nov 20 2:05:22 2006.

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge:
"Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."

"But why ?" asked the judge.

She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."

The judge asked, "How do you know ?"

She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
From: NOV on Mon Nov 20 2:06:22 2006.

"Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent an sms to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife with another man .

"Why, Dad ? Tell me why!"

Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the sms."
From: NOV on Mon Nov 20 2:07:02 2006.

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"

He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

"But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.
From: Shakthiprabha. on Mon Nov 20 8:52:09 2006.

nov,

1, 3 jokes are old (heard enough times)

2nd joke (sms)
From: c4ramesh on Thu Nov 23 10:27:55 2006.

How to keep an idiot busy...
(for at least a couple minutes)

click here
From: Mystic on Sat Nov 25 12:12:46 2006.

LOL @ posts by hi & NOV
From: NOV on Sun Nov 26 11:05:24 2006.

THE 6 BEST SMART ANSWERS OF 2006

SMART ANSWER NO.6
It was mealtime during a flight on a popular Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in
front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ANSWER NO.5
Another flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and
he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she
said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ANSWER NO.4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ANSWER NO.3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

SMART ANSWER NO.2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right
ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for
miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and
walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write
the exam with your other hand."
From: NOV on Mon Nov 27 3:28:07 2006.

Girl: One kiss and I will be yours forever.

Boy: Thanks for the warning.
From: P_R on Mon Nov 27 13:53:07 2006.

NOV wrote:

Girl: One kiss and I will be yours forever.

Boy: Thanks for the warning.
From: Mystic on Mon Nov 27 14:02:54 2006.

NOV wrote:

Girl: One kiss and I will be yours forever.

Boy: Thanks for the warning.

NOV : ROTFL
From: NOV on Sat Dec 2 10:42:00 2006.

Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?

Old Man: Certainly not.

Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to lose, if you tell me the time?

Old Man: Yes, I may lose something if I tell you the time.

Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?

Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me. Then as a courtsey, I will offer you a cup of tea. After my courteous approach you will try to come again.This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it.

Young Man: Possible

Old Man: Then I will tell you that my daughter has and I will then have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to you & you will admire my daughter.

Young Man: Smiles.

Old Man: Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You will offer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you.

Young Man: Smiles

Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and start waiting for you. After meeting regularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for marriage.

Young Man: Smiles

Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask for my permission.

Young Man: Oh Yes! And smiles.

Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my daughter to a person like you who does not even own a watch.
From: temporary sori-Observer on Sat Dec 2 11:02:59 2006.

Young Man: I have a watch sir (he takes a Rolex watch from his pocket). I know that you have a beautiful daughter. That is why I came and talked to you. Somehow you guessed everything what I was going to do.
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Sat Dec 2 11:15:08 2006.

tso over-a puzzle solve pannureengalO?
From: temporary sori-Observer on Sat Dec 2 11:24:03 2006.

Sanguine Sri
From: Designer on Tue Dec 5 11:28:13 2006.

NOV wrote:

Girl: One kiss and I will be yours forever.

Boy: Thanks for the warning.

LOL
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Wed Dec 6 5:23:40 2006.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while

His Wife Stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours

while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know

what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with

mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next
morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose,

cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their

school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove

them to school. Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took

it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit. Went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the
groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already

1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds,
do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the
kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and
cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,
then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing
vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped
fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher,

folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished,
he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he
managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed
and said,

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy
my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please,
let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have
learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back
to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months,
through.

"You got pregnant last night."
From: Shakthiprabha. on Thu Dec 7 3:45:25 2006.

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations! ):

___________________

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. "

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared. "

Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power....... .. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!! !"
From: Shakthiprabha. on Thu Dec 7 3:47:38 2006.

--------- ----
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

________
From: NOV on Thu Dec 7 3:58:55 2006.

Two drunks stumble out of a pub in at about 4:00 in the morning. They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when along comes a policeman.

The first drunk pipes up, "Excuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could you tell me if the last bus to Brickfields has left yet."

To which the policeman replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."

The second drunk then weighs in and says, "Sorry, sir, but I wonder if the last bus to Sentul has left yet."

The officer again replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."

The first drunk then starts up again and asks, "Could you tell me please, ossifer, has the last bus to Bangsar gone yet."

The policeman is really irritated now so he shouts, " It's 4am, all the bloody buses have gone!"

And with that the first drunk turns to his friend and says, "Ok Raj, we can cross the road now."
From: Shakthiprabha. on Thu Dec 7 4:50:15 2006.

Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you ?

Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?

Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem ?

Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me ?

_______

Helpdesk: How may I help you ?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem ?

Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it ?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears !

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use ?

Customer: Netscape.

Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

_________________________________________

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer ?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10
pacesback.

Customer: OK

Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you ?

Customer: Yes

Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard ?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work !

( cute! )
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am ?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer ?
Customer: No.
_______________________________________

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.

Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'.

I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find printer.......please tell me what I should do?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you ?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me !
I'm not Bill Gates damn it !

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button ?

Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.

Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note

Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry .

_________________

(sometimes, its fun being with customer care... what do u say )
From: Alan on Fri Dec 15 12:48:13 2006.

Frog to Astrologer: Please tell my future.
Astrologer: You'll meet a young girl who'll touch you everywhere.

Frog: Great! When, where?

Astrologer: Next year, in the biology lab. Ha Ha Ha.....!
From: NOV on Sat Dec 16 3:29:48 2006.

Some Laws....Newton forgot !

Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, ur nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
From: venkathoney on Sat Dec 16 13:52:09 2006.

A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her parent's house in Delhi. When the man went to Ajmer, he asked his servant to send a telegram to his wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer.
The servant sent a telegram.
When the wife received the telegram, she fainted.
It was written: 'sethji aaj mar gaye ! ( Sethji Ajmer gaye ).
From: Designer on Sat Dec 16 15:22:28 2006.

NOV & venkathoney :
From: NOV on Wed Dec 20 23:06:58 2006.

Joe: My dad is great. He is a policeman. Everyone's scared of him.

Jim: Don't talk big. My father is greater. If he says so, everyone must bow their head.

Joe: Wow! What does your dad do?

Jim: He is a barber.
From: NOV on Wed Dec 20 23:09:30 2006.

Dad: What's wrong with you? All you have got for your Arithmetic is 0. What's happening?

Son: No dad, thats not zero. The teacher gave out many stars to all the other children. When it came to my turn, he ran out of stars and so gave me a moon instead.
From: NOV on Wed Dec 20 23:10:58 2006.

Doctor: You need to take three spoons of this syrum every day.

Patient: That's going to be a problem.

Doctor: Why?

Patient: I only have 2 spoons at home.

From: Badri on Wed Dec 20 23:13:18 2006.

NOV wrote:

Dad: What's wrong with you? All you have got for your Arithmetic is 0. What's happening?

Son: No dad, thats not zero. The teacher gave out many stars to all the other children. When it came to my turn, he ran out of stars and so gave me a moon instead.

This was nice, but the next one...

From: NOV on Wed Dec 20 23:13:27 2006.

Teacher: Raja, make these 2 sentences as one: "Jay rode a bicycle to school. Jay met a corpse on the way."

Raja: Jay met a corpse riding a bicycle to school.
From: NOV on Thu Dec 21 3:02:34 2006.

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."
From: NOV on Thu Dec 21 3:03:03 2006.

Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together. They made a decision, one day to make it "Yesterday once more".
They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young. The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come. But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.

Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: "Why didn't you come to our date?"

Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly: "Mom didn't allow me to go..."
From: Alan on Thu Dec 21 12:07:16 2006.

LOL!!!!!
From: NOV on Mon Dec 25 2:45:20 2006.

Wife: Honey..... What are You looking for?

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour??

Husband: I was just looking for the expiry date.

**********

What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?

One Woman Brings you into this world crying... and the other ensures you continue to do so.

**********

Wife: Do you want dinner?

Husband: Sure, what are my choices?

Wife: Yes and no.

**********

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.
Why?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

**********

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

**********

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU the FORTUNE"

**********

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

**********

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "Billionaire"

**********

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.
From: mgb on Wed Dec 27 4:45:11 2006.

Difference between a normal person and GRE student

A NORMAL PERSON : People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

GRE STUDENT : Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.
*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : Twinkle, twinkle, little star

GRE STUDENT : Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.
*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : All that glitters is not gold.

GRE STUDENT: All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : Beggars are not choosers

GRE STUDENT : Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : Dead men tell no tales

GRE STUDENT : Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.
*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : Beginner's luck

GRE STUDENT : Neophyte's serendipity.
*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss

GRE STUDENT : A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic
plant.
*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together

GRE STUDENT: Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.
*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep

GRE STUDENT : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : Cleanliness is godliness

GRE STUDENT : Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : There's no use crying over spilt milk

GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile fluid.
*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : You can't try to teach an old dog new tricks

GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : Look before you leap

GRE STUDENT : Surveillance should precede saltation.
*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : He who laughs last, laughs best

GRE STUDENT : The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.
*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

GRE STUDENT : Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.
*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : Where there's smoke, there's fire!

GRE STUDENT : Where there are visible vapours having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
From: ts on Tue Jan 2 10:00:59 2007.

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN

ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS - Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR - Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & GLASSWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY - Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while shouting "It's not there!?, �You�ve moved it!? or �We�ve run out!? � Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN? Group discussion and role-play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH - PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST - Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? - Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER - Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION - Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU�RE GOING TO BE LATE - Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME - Individual counsellors available
From: NOV on Sun Jan 7 10:04:21 2007.

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable, " Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs!"
From: NOV on Sun Jan 7 10:07:20 2007.

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
From: NOV on Sun Jan 7 10:19:40 2007.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.
From: NOV on Sun Jan 7 10:27:07 2007.

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a manmarry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like theBishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
From: NOV on Sun Jan 7 10:29:12 2007.

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit
and listen."
From: NOV on Sun Jan 7 10:30:14 2007.

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
From: NOV on Sun Jan 7 10:33:18 2007.

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather' s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

From: thimuru on Sun Jan 7 11:56:23 2007.

temporary sori-Observer wrote:

Young Man: I have a watch sir (he takes a Rolex watch from his pocket). I know that you have a beautiful daughter. That is why I came and talked to you. Somehow you guessed everything what I was going to do. FishGrin

that old man : "i know u have ROLEX wacth...thats why i told u the details abt my daughter

young man :

From: Badri on Sun Jan 7 18:43:44 2007.

Bobby's Prayer

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
his birthday.

Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2

Dear God,

This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you.
Your friend Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3

Dear God,

I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4

God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you,
Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5

God,

I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!!!!!
From: NOV on Sun Jan 7 23:06:34 2007.

It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause) "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause) "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
From: ts on Mon Jan 8 13:37:04 2007.

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian Ambassador whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."
From: NOV on Thu Jan 11 3:04:42 2007.

An old priest and former White House chaplain lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served many Presidents in the nation's capital. He motioned for one of his aides to come near.

�Yes, Father?" asked the aide.

"I would really like to see President Bush and Vice President Cheney before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the aide.
The aide sent the request to the White House and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Bush and Cheney would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Cheney slyly commented to Bush "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images. It'll also give your poll numbers a boost among the Catholics."

Bush couldn't help but agree. When they arrived at the priest's bedside, he took Bush's hand in his right hand and Cheney's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally President Bush spoke, "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you at the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."

"Amen" replied Bush.

"Amen" echoed Cheney.

The old priest continued, "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."
From: NOV on Mon Jan 22 21:58:17 2007.

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and
by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else
via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life
completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two
good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5
friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
From: nms on Wed Jan 24 13:11:30 2007.
From: NOV on Sun Jan 28 23:32:08 2007.

RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Madurai and mine is in Trichy.

3. I take my wife everywhere.. ...but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.! My wife asked "What's on the TV?"I said "Dust!"
From: Designer on Sun Jan 28 23:36:44 2007.

NOV : top 3 are tops !
From: P_R on Mon Jan 29 15:02:45 2007.
From: NOV on Tue Jan 30 9:34:19 2007.

Two men met while both were looking for their lost wives.

1st: How does yours look like?

2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?

1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
From: NOV on Tue Jan 30 9:36:32 2007.

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend to death.

Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
From: NOV on Tue Jan 30 9:38:47 2007.

Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??

"Without Information Fighting Everytime"

Wife replies," No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever !!!"
From: NOV on Tue Jan 30 9:45:28 2007.

Mother to her teenage daughter: "I think this is the right time we
should talk about sex."

Daughter : "Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know."
From: Alan on Tue Jan 30 13:29:44 2007.

lol@Nov!
From: mgb on Thu Feb 1 3:54:14 2007.

Banta was driving back from Shimla when there was a terrible hailstorm. Huge hailstones the size of tennis balls pelted his car leaving it full of dents.

He drove to the nearby automotive center and asked what he should do. The mechanic explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least Rs 5,000 to repair. Banta said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.

He decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out."

Banta decided to give it a try before spending that much money. He drove home and was in the garage with his lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when his neighbour Santa came over to visit.

"What are you doing?" asked Santa.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained Banta.

"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied Santa.

"Why not?" asked Banta.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."
From: Lambretta on Thu Feb 1 13:46:11 2007.

mgb wrote:

Banta was driving back from Shimla when there was a terrible hailstorm. Huge hailstones the size of tennis balls pelted his car leaving it full of dents..

Jus goes on to prove how 'superior' technology is in newer cars is!
From: mgb on Fri Feb 2 3:00:59 2007.

Shyam

Santa and Banta were coming up in an inlet in the motor boat when they saw another boat loaded with fish.
Seeing as how their luck had been awful today, Santa asked the fisherman what his secret was.
The fisherman replied, "Just go out to sea till the water is fresh. Then stop there and drop your line.
You will get a huge haul of fish there !"
Excited, Santa fired up the motor and headed out to sea. When they got a little way out, he told Banta to fill up a bucket and taste the water.
Banta complied and said, "It is salty - not fresh!"
So Santa went further out and told Banta to taste the water again after some time.
Banta replied, "It is still salty!" And so they went out further. This went on for hours and every time Banta replied that the water was salty. Finally, it was starting to get dark and they were in the middle of nowhere, when Santa asked Banta to taste the water one last time.
Banta replied, "But Santa, there is no more water left in the bucket"
From: mgb on Mon Feb 5 3:25:09 2007.

Santa and Banta left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. Banta screamed, "Look at the window. There`s an old ghost`s face here!"
Santa sped up, but the old man`s face stayed in the window. Banta rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
Banta handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to Santa, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
Santa said, "I don`t know what happened, but don`t worry; the speedometer says we`re doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," Banta yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
Banta threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He`s back!"
Banta rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
From: NOV on Tue Feb 6 21:42:24 2007.

Diplomat - A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Optimist - A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Pessimist - A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser - A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father - A banker provided by nature.

Criminal - A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught.

Boss - Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician - One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor - A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his
bills.

Committee - Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Classic - A book which people praise, but do not read.

Marriage - It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master degree.

Worry - Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

Experience - The name men give to their mistakes.

Tears - The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by
feminine power.

Atom Bomb - An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher - A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Smile - A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Rumor - News that travels faster than the speed of sound.

Dictionary - The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

College - A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.

Ecstasy - A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Office - A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.

Yawn - The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
From: NOV on Wed Feb 7 4:08:22 2007.

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather curtly.
After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."
From: NOV on Wed Feb 7 4:10:26 2007.

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years."
From: NOV on Wed Feb 7 4:12:10 2007.

The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."

Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a
lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."

The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."

Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..."

The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."

Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."
From: mgb on Wed Feb 7 7:47:46 2007.

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife
has been cheating on me. The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer,
the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot
recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends
from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her
taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street. Anyway, I have
never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't
want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to
really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motor
cycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view
of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching
behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed
to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I
take it back to the dealer?
From: mgb on Thu Feb 8 1:24:23 2007.

WORDS WOMEN USE

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given
five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of
nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just
say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying UP yours.

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

From: dev on Thu Feb 8 4:32:15 2007.

mgb wrote:

WORDS WOMEN USE

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

From: Shakthiprabha. on Thu Feb 8 6:42:30 2007.
From: mgb on Thu Feb 8 8:24:16 2007.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies,

"I'll miss you..."

----------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,

"honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

--------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

--------

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

--------

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

--------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

---------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your personal files?

A: Rename the folder as "Instruction Manuals"

---------

From: Badri on Thu Feb 8 18:39:13 2007.

dev wrote:

mgb wrote:

Haha! I showed this to some women colleagues at work, and they had the exact same reaction!

was how they felt!

From: NOV on Thu Feb 8 21:31:34 2007.

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese hhad to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would leave.

The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Ah Peh to represent them. Ah Peh asked for one condition to be added to the debate. "To make it more interesting" , he said, "neither side would be allowed to talk". The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Ah Peh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute.
Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah Peh looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Peh pointed to the ground at where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Peh pull out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good. The Chinese can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around The Pope asking him what happened?. The Pope said, "first I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions."

"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us." He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us."

"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Peh. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Ah Peh, "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I replied to him buzz off and not one of us was leaving."

"Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. showed him that we are staying right here."

"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know," said Ah Peh, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!"
From: NOV on Fri Feb 9 2:53:53 2007.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree
just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the
tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed,
he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down
to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One
for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's
see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still
unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought
iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a
glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's
go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of
the kid on the bike.
From: mgb on Fri Feb 9 4:24:57 2007.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.

But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed,the definition for each is listed below..

GUTS-is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALL'S-is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,slapping your wife on the back and having the balls to say "You're Next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both result in death.
From: Lambretta on Fri Feb 9 13:41:08 2007.

Badri wrote:

Haha! I showed this to some women colleagues at work, and they had the exact same reaction!

was how they felt!

Luckily IMO, or is not how they felt!

From: Lambretta on Fri Feb 9 13:44:14 2007.

mgb wrote:

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.

But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed,the definition for each is listed below..

GUTS-is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALL'S-is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,slapping your wife on the back and having the balls to say "You're Next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both result in death.

Good one, MGB!

From: mgb on Mon Feb 12 5:35:40 2007.

Santa: After three years, i have finally finished my book

Banta: I didn't know you were writing a book

Santa: I wasn't.. i was reading it
From: NOV on Mon Feb 12 6:01:58 2007.

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that ****?"

I still don't know if she was joking...

From: c4ramesh on Mon Feb 12 8:29:55 2007.

NOV wrote:

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that ****?"

I still don't know if she was joking...

From: NOV on Mon Feb 12 23:42:27 2007.

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.

They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Luv Ya, Mama
From: NOV on Tue Feb 13 2:07:40 2007.

There was a tradesman, a painter named Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

(you're going to love this)
~ ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~
~ ~
~ ~
~

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Tue Feb 13 2:13:19 2007.

mgb wrote:

WORDS WOMEN USE
1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

very true!
From: NOV on Tue Feb 13 3:07:28 2007.

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when
we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church .... and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
From: c4ramesh on Tue Feb 13 10:43:03 2007.

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.

A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.

Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."
From: Newyorker on Tue Feb 13 15:41:01 2007.

A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you
who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises! his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba,
tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Heck! From way back there I thought you said "Goats!"
From: mgb on Wed Feb 14 5:37:47 2007.

We always hear Rules from the female side. Now here are the Rules from male side

These are our Rules ( all are numbered 1 on purpose )

1. Shopping is NOT a Sport. And no we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is Blackmail

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one.
Subtle hints do not work.
Strong hints do not work.
Obvious hints do not work.
JUST SAY IT.

1. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girl friends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an arguement.
Infact all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christoper Colombus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings.
Peach, for example is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.
From: c4ramesh on Wed Feb 14 10:14:55 2007.

ARE YOU: IN LOVE, LUST OR MARRIED?

LOVE......................when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST.......................when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE............when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

LOVE......................when intercourse is called making love.
LUST.......................all other times.
MARRIAGE............what's intercourse?

LOVE......................when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST.......................when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE............when you argue over money.

LOVE......................when you share everything you own.
LUST.......................when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE............when the bank owns everything.

LOVE......................when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST.......................when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE............what's a climax?

LOVE......................when you phone each other just to say "G'day".
LUST.......................when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE............when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.

LOVE......................when you write poems about your partner.
LUST.......................when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE............when all you write is checks.

LOVE......................when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST.......................when you couldn't give a ****.
MARRIAGE............when your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE......................when your farewell is "I love you darling ..."
LUST.......................when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE............when your farewell is silent.

LOVE......................when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST.......................when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE............when you never see each other awake.

LOVE......................when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST.......................when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE............when your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE......................when nobody else matters.
LUST.......................when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE............when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE......................when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST.......................when it's just the same mushy old ****.
MARRIAGE............when you never listen to music.

LOVE......................when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST.......................when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE............when just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE......................when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST.......................when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE............when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.
From: Newyorker on Wed Feb 14 13:22:19 2007.
From: Newyorker on Wed Feb 14 13:22:34 2007.

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
From: c4ramesh on Wed Feb 14 13:32:25 2007.

"Santa � A photographer on a funeral function
Santa is busy taking snaps, suddenly people start beating him. Why?
Each time he took a picture he said SMILE PLEASE ".

"Santa asked Banta the full form of MATHS
Banta- Mentally affected teachers harassing students."

"Santa was drawing money from ATM. Banta, who was just behind him in the line said- I've seen your password. It�s ****.
Santa- You are wrong. It�s 1394".

"Santa- Telephone's ringing. Why don't you answer it?
Banta- Why should I? I don't know who is calling".

"Santa was standing below a tube light with a open mouth... WHY?
Because his doctor had advised him that the dinner should be LIGHT".

From: c4ramesh on Wed Feb 14 13:32:59 2007.

Newyorker wrote:

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

From: c4ramesh on Wed Feb 14 13:35:11 2007.

Isn't worth it

Why haven�t all monkeys turned into humans? Some of them thought it wasn�t worth it.

A moron had a plain paper. He wanted more, so he got it photocopied.

Twenty three guys were introduced to a girl. �Hi, I am Peter not a saint.� �I am Paul not a Pope.� �I am John not a Baptist.� The girl said, �Hi, I am Mary not a virgin.�

Did you hear about the burglar who fell in the cement mixer? Now he�s a hardened criminal.

Drowning man: �Help, help! I can�t swim! Passerby: �I can�t play the piano, but I don�t shout about it!�
From: c4ramesh on Wed Feb 14 13:36:58 2007.

Corporate lingo list

Here is a little clarification of corporate lingo.

Competitive salary:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join our fast-paced company:

We have no time to train you.

Casual Work Atmosphere:

We don�t pay enough to expect that you�ll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Must be deadline oriented:

You�ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some overtimes required:

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Duties will vary:

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have an eye for detail:

We have no quality control.

Career-minded:

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in person:

If you�re old, fat or ugly you�ll be told the position has been filled.

No phone calls please:

We�ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience:

You�ll need it to replace three people who just left.

Problem-solving skills a must:

You�re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills:

You?ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Good communication skills:

Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

I am extremely adept at all manner of office organization:

I�ve used Microsoft Office.

I am honest, hardworking and dependable:

I pilfer office supplies.

My pertinent work experience includes:

I hope you don?t ask me about all the McJobs I?ve had.

I take pride in my work:

I blame others for my mistakes.

I am personable:

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers.

I am extremely professional:

I carry a Day-Timer.

I am adaptable:

I�ve changed jobs a lot.

I am on the go:

I�m never at my desk.
From: c4ramesh on Wed Feb 14 13:40:43 2007.

Bush Can't Swim

The Pope visits Washington and President Bush takes him for a ride down the Potomac on the presidential yacht. They're enjoying themselves when a gust of wind blows the Pope's hat (zucchetto) off and out onto the water. The Secret Service begins to launch a boat but Bush waves them off saying, "Wait. I'll take care of this."

Bush steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water, walks out a ways and picks up the hat. Back on board, he hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the Washington Post carries the story complete with photos under the heading BUSH CAN'T SWIM.
From: c4ramesh on Wed Feb 14 13:49:26 2007.

Pilots problem.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
From: c4ramesh on Wed Feb 14 13:57:06 2007.

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
From: c4ramesh on Wed Feb 14 13:57:41 2007.

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
From: c4ramesh on Wed Feb 14 14:04:30 2007.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
From: c4ramesh on Wed Feb 14 14:10:28 2007.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
From: Newyorker on Wed Feb 14 14:55:44 2007.

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN

ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS - Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR - Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & GLASSWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY - Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while shouting "It's not there!?, �You�ve moved it!? or �We�ve run out!? � Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN? Group discussion and role-play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH - PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST - Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? - Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER - Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION - Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU�RE GOING TO BE LATE - Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME - Individual counsellors available

From: crazy on Wed Feb 14 15:04:31 2007.

Newyorker wrote:

ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY

DAY ONE

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR - Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & GLASSWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among a panel of experts.
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while shouting "It's not there!?, �You�ve moved it!? or �We�ve run out!? � Open forum

From: NOV on Fri Feb 16 2:40:57 2007.

I've never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
From: NOV on Fri Feb 16 2:42:37 2007.

When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. So, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her.

Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, Daddy?"
From: NOV on Fri Feb 16 2:46:13 2007.

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a
�Living Will�
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
From: NOV on Fri Feb 16 2:56:41 2007.

A woman went to doctors office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down in another room and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor calmly continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
From: NOV on Fri Feb 16 2:57:55 2007.

My mother and I returned to my parents' house late one evening to find my father, my college-age brother, Steven, and my ten-year-old sister fast asleep.

Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly, first at the back door and then the front and side doors. We yelled my father's name over and over, with no answer. The car horn aroused the neighbors but no one at our house. We drove into town and phoned home, finally waking Steven.

When we got back, he let us in. Dad was in bed, snoring, with the television on. Mom quietly switched it off. Dad woke right up.

"Don't turn that off," he said. "I'm watching it!"

From: dev on Fri Feb 16 4:39:22 2007.

NOV wrote:

My mother and I returned to my parents' house late one evening to find my father, my college-age brother, Steven, and my ten-year-old sister fast asleep.

Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly, first at the back door and then the front and side doors. We yelled my father's name over and over, with no answer. The car horn aroused the neighbors but no one at our house. We drove into town and phoned home, finally waking Steven.

When we got back, he let us in. Dad was in bed, snoring, with the television on. Mom quietly switched it off. Dad woke right up.

"Don't turn that off," he said. "I'm watching it!"

Men!!!!

From: Shakthiprabha. on Fri Feb 16 12:39:43 2007.

NOV wrote:

From: Newyorker on Fri Feb 16 13:12:31 2007.

Rita Rudner's 50 facts about men.

1.Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
6.Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on
television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in
trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I
have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7.If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8.Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9.Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is
upsetting to their psyches.
12.Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public
they have to know.
16.Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address
book, telescope and piano.
17.All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear
in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18.Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not
burn, he will take it personally.
23.Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I
recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
25.Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a
department store, two inches from the door.
26.If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce,
he is serious.
30.When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
33.Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE
WERE twice, voluntarily.
34.Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?"
Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35.If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your
number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
38.Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never
want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I
suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children."
Sometimes they leave skid marks.
40.Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41.Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
44.Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad
self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45.When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has
gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will
assume the clothing has shrunk.
47.Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48.We do love you. We don't love many people, and we don't like to say it very often. Too
much of anything can diminish its value.
From: Nerd on Fri Feb 16 16:02:03 2007.

2, 3, 4, 5, 10, 11,... ellAm censored eh
From: Alan on Sat Feb 17 4:46:39 2007.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman
>> nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi,
>> there, good lookin'? How's it going?"
>>
>> Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned
>> around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye
>> and said, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any
>> time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car,
>> front door, back door, on the ground, standing up,
>> sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean
>> ... it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it
>> ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
>>
>> Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No
>> kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Wed Feb 21 3:18:01 2007.

This is a true story of a young college girl who passed away last month. Her name was Priya. She was hit by a lorry. She has a boy friend named Shankar. Both of them are true lovers. They always hang on the phone. You can never see her without her handphone. In fact she also changed her phone from Airtel to Hutch, so both of them can be on the same network, and save on the cost. She spends half of the day talking with shankar. Priya's family

knows about their relationship. Shankar is very close with Priya's family. (just imagine their love) . Before she passed away she always told her friends "If I pass away please burn me with my handphone" she also said the same thing to her parents. After her death, people cant carry her coffin, I was there. A lot of them tried to do so but still ant , everybody including me, had tried to carry the coffin, the result is still the same. Eventually,

they called their neighbour, a "bomoh" from Thailand (pak Darin), who is a friend of her father. He took a stick and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said "this girl misses something here". then her friends told Darin about her intentions to burn her with her phone. He then opened the coffin and place her phone and SIM card inside the casket. after that they tried to carry the coffin. It could be moved and they carried it into the van easily. All of us were shocked. Priya's parents did not inform Shankar that Priya had passed away. After 2 weeks Shankar called Priya's mom.

Shankar :...."Atte, I'm coming home today. Cook something nice for me. Dont tell Priya that I'm coming home today, i wanna surprise her." Her mother replied....."You come home first, i wanna tell you something very important." after he came, they told him the truth about Priya. Shankar thinks that they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said "dont try to fool me - tell Priya to come out, i have a gift for her Please stop this nonsense". then they show him the original death certificate to him.They gave him proof to make him believe. (Shankar started to sweat) ..

He said... "Its not true. we spoke yesterday. She still calls me. Shankar was shaking. Suddenly, Shankar's phone rang. "see this is from Priya, see this..." he showed the phone to priya's family. all of them told him to answer.he talked using the loudspeaker mode. all of them heard his conversation.

Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming. It is the actual voice of Priya & there is no way others could use her SIM card since it is nailed inside the coffin they were so shocked and asked for pak Darin's help again. pak Darin brought his master (tok Chen) to solve this matter. He & Darin worked for 5 hours. Then they discovered one thing...

Hutch has the best coverage. Whereever you go, our network follows!!!

Never in my life i have read such a email...Wasted 5 minutes coz of
this...
From: crazy on Wed Feb 21 3:58:53 2007.
From: Lambretta on Wed Feb 21 12:32:36 2007.

COMPANY TRAINING PROGRAM

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.) We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T., please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S. H. I.T. seriously will be placed in
DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS FOR SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.HI.T seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING FOR SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.)

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LEADERSHIP LIST FOR SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
From: NOV on Fri Feb 23 4:31:40 2007.

After returning back from the US, Thirumaran asked his mother,
"Do I look like a foreigner?"

Mother: No! Why?

Thiru : In US a lady asked me whether I was a foreigner!
From: NOV on Fri Feb 23 4:35:28 2007.

A tourist asked Senthil, �Any great man born in this village?

Senthil: "no sir, only small babies."
From: NOV on Fri Feb 23 4:37:14 2007.

Lecturer asks class to write an essay on Gandhi Jayanthi.

So our thamizhvaanan writes, "Gandhi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi."
From: NOV on Fri Feb 23 4:43:10 2007.

Balaji was doing an experiment with cockroaches. First he cut one of its legs and said, "WALK. WALK."

The cockroach walked.

Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same. Cockroach again walked.

Then cut the third leg and did the same. The cockroach still walked.

At last he cut its fourth leg and ordered it walk! But the cockroach didn't walk.

Balaji the great exclaimed, "Yes! If we cut off a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf."
From: NOV on Fri Feb 23 4:45:40 2007.

Shakthy went to a restaurant to have dinner.
Wanting to wash her hands first, she went to the washbasin. There she started washing the basin.

Alarmed at seeing this, the manager asked what was she
doing.

Shakthy pointed towards the board "WASH BASIN"
From: NOV on Fri Feb 23 4:47:39 2007.

Interviewer: "Just imagine you are on the 3rd floor and it catches fire. How will you escape?

Sridhar: "Simple. I will stop my imagination."
From: mgb on Mon Feb 26 4:43:08 2007.

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.

Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.

So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."

The whole audience including priest started laughing..........but not the poor groom!
From: NOV on Mon Feb 26 4:50:48 2007.

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American,"You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.We call this arranged marriage.I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love marriages...I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.
"After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems..Gimme a break !!"
From: mgb on Mon Feb 26 6:02:30 2007.

A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help.

He goes into the temple and begins to pray........... "Oh Bhagwan,
please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
The Sardarji goes back to the temple..................... "Bhagwan,
please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!

Back to the temple..................

"My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?

I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving.. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarji is confronted by the voice of Lord :

"SARDARJI, BUY THE D'AMN TICKET FIRST, WITHOUT BUYING TICKETS YOU CANT WIN"
From: NOV on Tue Feb 27 5:01:11 2007.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.
I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, why don't Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," Would the opposite of progress be Congress?

Why is lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
From: Newyorker on Tue Feb 27 14:06:30 2007.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
From: crazy on Tue Feb 27 15:53:06 2007.
From: NOV on Wed Feb 28 22:25:42 2007.

Vivian: You're late.

Edward Lewis: You're stunning.

Vivian: You're forgiven.
From: NOV on Wed Feb 28 22:26:08 2007.

Vivian: That would make you a... lawyer.

Edward Lewis: What makes you think I'm a lawyer?

Vivian: You have that sharp, useless look about you.
From: NOV on Wed Feb 28 22:26:48 2007.

Edward Lewis: You can't charge me for directions!

Vivian: I can do anything I want to baby, I ain't lost.
From: NOV on Wed Feb 28 22:52:26 2007.

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet up.

Bear says: "When I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest shivers with fear."

Lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire Savannah is afraid of me."

Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only have to sneeze, and the entire planet panics."
From: NOV on Wed Feb 28 22:54:01 2007.

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.

The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man then said "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on."
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied: "Your horse phoned."
From: Newyorker on Thu Mar 1 12:47:13 2007.

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
From: Newyorker on Thu Mar 1 13:09:59 2007.

A housewife takes a lover during the day,
while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "Ill tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and
closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
From: Lambretta on Thu Mar 8 11:21:39 2007.

Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?

Old Man: Certainly not.

Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to lose,if you tell me the time?

Old Man: Yes, I may lose something if I tell you the time.

Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?

Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me. Then as a courtsey, I will offer you a cup of tea.
After my courteous approach you will try to come again.
This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it.?

Young Man: Possible

Old Man: Then I will tell you that my daughter has, and I will then have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to you & you will admire my daughter.

Young Man: (Smiles.)

Old Man: Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You will offer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you.

Young Man: (Smiles)

Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and start waiting for you. After meeting regularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for marriage.

Young Man: (Smiles)

Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask for my permission.

Young Man: Oh Yes! (And smiles)

Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never have my daughter marry a person like you who does not even own a watch!
From: Querida on Sun Mar 11 23:02:03 2007.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

omg @ New Yorker ...i really truly needed a laugh right now...so whether you read this or not.....i still need to say thanks!

From: chevy on Sun Mar 11 23:46:32 2007.

Lambretta wrote:

COMPANY TRAINING PROGRAM

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.) We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T., please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S. H. I.T. seriously will be placed in
DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS FOR SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.HI.T seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING FOR SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.)

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LEADERSHIP LIST FOR SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

hahahahahhahahahhahhaahahahahhahahahhahahhaha

From: Shakthiprabha. on Sun Mar 11 23:50:18 2007.

NOV wrote:

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.

The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man then said "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on."
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied: "Your horse phoned."

From: Shakthiprabha. on Sun Mar 11 23:51:28 2007.

NOV wrote:

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet up.

Bear says: "When I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest shivers with fear."

Lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire Savannah is afraid of me."

Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only have to sneeze, and the entire planet panics."

From: Shakthiprabha. on Sun Mar 11 23:54:23 2007.

Newyorker wrote:

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

From: Shakthiprabha. on Sun Mar 11 23:56:44 2007.

NOV wrote:

Shakthy went to a restaurant to have dinner.
Wanting to wash her hands first, she went to the washbasin. There she started washing the basin.

Alarmed at seeing this, the manager asked what was she
doing.

Shakthy pointed towards the board "WASH BASIN"

From: Shakthiprabha. on Sun Mar 11 23:58:13 2007.

mgb wrote:

A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help.

He goes into the temple and begins to pray........... "Oh Bhagwan,
please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
The Sardarji goes back to the temple..................... "Bhagwan,
please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!

Back to the temple..................

"My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?

I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving.. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarji is confronted by the voice of Lord :

"SARDARJI, BUY THE D'AMN TICKET FIRST, WITHOUT BUYING TICKETS YOU CANT WIN"

From: Shakthiprabha. on Mon Mar 12 0:00:22 2007.

NOV wrote:

Vivian: You're late.

Edward Lewis: You're stunning.

Vivian: You're forgiven.
From: Lambretta on Mon Mar 12 10:11:44 2007.

chevy wrote:

hahahahahhahahahhahhaahahahahhahahahhahahhaha
From: Querida on Mon Mar 12 19:33:58 2007.

In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the president narrowed the field to three finalist, the CIA, the FBI, and the Chicago Police.

The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.

The CPD went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit".
From: Designer on Tue Mar 13 4:04:04 2007.

.

I. A teacher asks children at class, "what do u wish to do in future? "

Daniel : I want to be a pilot.

James : I want to be a doctor.

Rosy : I want to be a good mother.

Timmy : I want to help Rosy !

==============================================================

II. Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;

1. Too Many Questions.

2. Difficult to Understand.

3. More Explanation is Needed.

4. Result is usually FAIL!

===============================================================

III. The Equation:

7 Glance = 1 Smile

7 Smile = 1 Meeting

7 Meeting = 1 Kiss

7 Kisses = 1 Proposal

7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -

And that 1 Bloody marriage has 77777 problems.

So beware of glance!

Disclaimer : All these jokes are heresay and not based on my personal experience(s)!

.
From: Surya on Wed Mar 14 16:43:09 2007.

Check this Out Holmes'es!

Courtesy Of Gaayu:

A virgin's worst nightmare

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time Well, the boy is ecstatic (as any straight boy would be), but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The GF says.

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A Few minutes pass, and the boy is still deep in Prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, I had no idea you were this religious.

The boy turns, and whispers back, I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!
From: kb on Wed Mar 14 20:41:16 2007.

Surya wrote:

Check this Out Holmes'es!

Courtesy Of Gaayu:

A virgin's worst nightmare
From: NOV on Thu Mar 15 3:20:22 2007.

Did you here they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -Dumas

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."

Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - A Life Sentence!!

A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
From: NOV on Thu Mar 15 3:22:42 2007.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

My wife ran off with my best friend..I sure do miss him!

Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!

Wife: "You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes, and an apple pie for dessert?"
Husband: "No thanks, I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home."
From: NOV on Thu Mar 15 3:25:42 2007.

My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

A businessman, an intelligent woman, and the Easter Bunny get into an elevator. There is a $10 note lying on the groud. Who picks it up? The businessman; the other two don't exist!

Do you know what it means when you come home to a little affection, a little tenderness, and a little sympathy? It means you're in the wrong house.

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that? "
Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

Confucius says man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
From: Querida on Thu Mar 15 9:38:16 2007.

Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."

Why do men die before their wives?
They should.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.

What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Why are hangovers better than men?
Hangovers will go away.

How are men and batteries different?
Batteries have a positive side.

What is the difference between garbage and men?
Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, the but ex-wife always gets the house.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.

How do you confuse a man?
You don't have to - they're born that way

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

From: Shakthiprabha. on Thu Mar 15 10:10:50 2007.

Querida wrote:

In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the president narrowed the field to three finalist, the CIA, the FBI, and the Chicago Police.

The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.

The CPD went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit".

From: Shakthiprabha. on Thu Mar 15 10:15:20 2007.

NOV wrote:

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
From: Querida on Thu Mar 15 16:02:04 2007.

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
From: Designer on Sun Mar 18 23:22:48 2007.

Once upon a time, a Sardarji took lot of time to read a particularly thick book, in an untimely way, and after some days went to the library, to return it in time.

He complained to the librarian, "What a stupid novel this is! It has so many characters, pages and pages of them. But there's no proper story line in this novel, even though the pages are colorful.

The librarian looked angrily at the Sardarji and replied, "So you are the one who took our Telephone Directory!!??"

From: Lambretta on Sun Mar 18 23:47:14 2007.

Designer wrote:

Once upon a time, a Sardarji took lot of time to read a particularly thick book, in an untimely way, and after some days went to the library, to return it in time.

He complained to the librarian, "What a stupid novel this is! It has so many characters, pages and pages of them. But there's no proper story line in this novel, even though the pages are colorful.

The librarian looked angrily at the Sardarji and replied, "So you are the one who took our Telephone Directory!!??"

From: NOV on Mon Mar 19 8:34:16 2007.

Different Phases of a man:

After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman
From: NOV on Mon Mar 19 8:34:59 2007.

There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it.
From: Designer on Mon Mar 19 8:36:07 2007.

"There is only one perfect Martyr in the world and every wife is married to him"
From: NOV on Mon Mar 19 8:36:12 2007.

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called "Man, The Master of Women"?

Sales girl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
From: NOV on Mon Mar 19 8:37:40 2007.

The world's thinnest book has only one word written in it: "Everything"and the book is titled: "What Women Want!"
From: podalangai on Mon Mar 19 8:45:28 2007.

It is not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

From: Designer on Mon Mar 19 10:41:47 2007.

NOV wrote:

My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

A businessman, an intelligent woman, and the Easter Bunny get into an elevator. There is a $10 note lying on the groud. Who picks it up? The businessman; the other two don't exist!

Do you know what it means when you come home to a little affection, a little tenderness, and a little sympathy? It means you're in the wrong house.

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that? "
Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

Confucius says man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

(no comments)

From: Newyorker on Tue Mar 20 16:14:53 2007.

[tscii]Here are some reasons why it�s better to be female...

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

Our boyfriend�s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers......

Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

Taxis stop for us.

We�ve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

We don�t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
From: crazy on Tue Mar 20 16:41:39 2007.

men....... women
From: NOV on Wed Mar 21 21:10:49 2007.

Bala, a confirmed bachelor, visited his newly married friend Krishna to discover some things about married life. Krishna's wife, Geetha was all excited and urged Bala to quickly get married.

"It is so wonderful to be married. My husband and I are so loving to each other," she gushed.

"Don't you people have arguments?" asked a surprised Bala.

"That's the beauty of our marriage. Krishna has never said an ugly word against me. And when I am angry, he will just smile and never argue against me."

"That's strange," said Bala, "this is not the Krishna I know!"

Geetha continued, "But the best part is every time we have a quarell, Krishna will go inside the bathroom and clean it!!!"

Bala was shocked but didn't reply. Soon Geetha went to the kitchen to get some drinks.

"What's happening da?" Bala could not hold his curiousity any longer. "Why do you have to clean the bathroom when you have an argument?"

Krishna smiled, "It's a good stress relief, you should try it too."
"Besides, I use Geetha's toothbrush to clean the toilet bowl."
From: Wibha on Wed Mar 21 21:20:43 2007.

NOV u put all jokes which r against women

idha keka yaarumea illeya?
From: Badri on Wed Mar 21 21:25:48 2007.

Wibha wrote:

NOV u put all jokes which r against women

idha keka yaarumea illeya?

Athaan nee ippo ketutiye, Arshu!!!
From: Wibha on Wed Mar 21 21:29:04 2007.

Badri wrote:

Wibha wrote:

NOV u put all jokes which r against women

idha keka yaarumea illeya?

Athaan nee ippo ketutiye, Arshu!!!

naan seriousa solrean enaku back-up ku yaarumea illai
From: madhu on Wed Mar 21 21:29:37 2007.

Wibha wrote:

NOV u put all jokes which r against women

idha keka yaarumea illeya?

enna kEkkaNum ?
From: Wibha on Wed Mar 21 21:38:37 2007.

madhu anna idhu mokkai thread illai
From: Badri on Wed Mar 21 21:39:19 2007.

Seri seri enough chatting before Moderator (athaan NOV) admonishes us!
From: Wibha on Wed Mar 21 21:44:00 2007.

NOV oru nalla joke-a podinga
From: NOV on Wed Mar 21 21:50:36 2007.

ok, joke for arshu:

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
From: madhu on Wed Mar 21 21:52:24 2007.
From: NOV on Wed Mar 21 21:52:32 2007.

Arshu had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied Arshu .
From: Wibha on Wed Mar 21 21:52:43 2007.

NOV

From: Wibha on Wed Mar 21 21:53:08 2007.

NOV wrote:

Arshu had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied Arshu .

dis is OLD joke

pudhusa edhavuthu sollinga

From: madhu on Wed Mar 21 21:53:53 2007.

Wibha wrote:

NOV wrote:

dis is OLD joke Poke

arshu : nee young-nu ninaichukittu irundhEn

From: Wibha on Wed Mar 21 21:56:31 2007.

madhu wrote:

Wibha wrote:

NOV wrote:

dis is OLD joke Poke

arshu : nee young-nu ninaichukittu irundhEn Shocked

madhu anna

NOV 2000 la vandha joke-a 2007-la en pera potu ezhudirukaaru

From: NOV on Wed Mar 21 21:56:53 2007.

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"

The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
From: NOV on Wed Mar 21 21:58:57 2007.

The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'

The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'

The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
From: NOV on Wed Mar 21 22:02:43 2007.

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
From: NOV on Wed Mar 21 22:03:20 2007.

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"

Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
From: NOV on Wed Mar 21 22:03:58 2007.

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.

B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
From: NOV on Wed Mar 21 22:04:27 2007.

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?

Little Johnny: But I asked first!
From: NOV on Wed Mar 21 22:05:18 2007.

Son: Mum, what is an idiot?

Mum: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?

Son: No.
From: NOV on Wed Mar 21 22:06:11 2007.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.

From: Shakthiprabha. on Thu Mar 22 0:30:34 2007.

NOV wrote:

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"

The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

From: Surya on Thu Mar 22 18:03:37 2007.

FUNNY LAST WORDS:

"No these windows are ok to lean on."

"Don�t worry it has airbags."

"Hey what�s that buzzing noise?"

"Don�t worry its not that deep."

"One time at band camp." HAIYOO HAIYOO!! (U should'a seen "American Pie" *A Movie* to understand this one! )

"No, he doesn�t bite?."

"Hey look a light at the end of the tunnel."

"I can pass this guy."

"My brakes are fine."

"Nice doggy."

"I think it's trying to communicate..."

""Homicidal Tendencies"?"

"Hey, you're Eminem, aren't you?"

"Na, I don't think we need to go to the hospital."

"So, you're a cannibal?"

"Which wire was I supposed to cut?"

"I wonder where the mother bear is."

"These are the good kind of mushrooms."

"You look just like Charles Manson"

"No, this tribe is peaceful!"

"So, you're sure this isn't loaded?"

"Everyone knows the Titanic is unsinkable."
From: crazy on Fri Mar 23 1:45:53 2007.
From: littlemaster1982 on Sat Mar 24 7:12:21 2007.

Best of the Worst

THE WORST HIJACKING

We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most
unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose
from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage. "Take me to
Detroit," he demanded. "We're already going to Detroit," she replied. "Oh ...
good," he said, and sat down again.

THE WORST BANK ROBBERY

In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank
of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors.
They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
sheepishly left the building. A few minutes later they returned and announced their
intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.
When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them,
convinced that it was a practical joke. Then one of the men jumped
over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two
tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again.

THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE ,

During the firemen's strike of1978, the British Army had taken over
emergency fire fighting and on 14 January they were called out by an
elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up
a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. So
grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving
off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and
killed it!!
From: Querida on Sat Mar 24 18:13:48 2007.

that is still for NOV-san's toothbrush joke.....ewwwww!!! He has to kiss that mouth!!!

thanx for the touch of reality littlemaster

******************* **********************
The following excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle. It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will begin to nudge and climb over your body.

5. Do not panic.

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet end - always from the feet end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic!

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.

9. Be sure you have your knife.

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
From: Lambretta on Sun Mar 25 12:50:05 2007.

[quote="Querida] thanx for the touch of reality littlemaster [/quote]
Curiously tho, they all happen to hav occured in the 70s!
Ur joke's good too, Que!
From: NOV on Mon Mar 26 22:33:37 2007.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETICS

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
From: NOV on Mon Mar 26 22:34:18 2007.

SHOPPING MATHS

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
From: NOV on Mon Mar 26 22:35:22 2007.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
From: NOV on Mon Mar 26 22:36:16 2007.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
From: NOV on Mon Mar 26 22:36:56 2007.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
From: NOV on Mon Mar 26 22:37:42 2007.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
From: NOV on Mon Mar 26 22:38:26 2007.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
From: Designer on Mon Mar 26 23:14:05 2007.

NOV wrote:

SHOPPING MATHS

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

NOV :

a Corollary :

A woman will pay $3 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but her neighbour has bought.

From: dev on Mon Mar 26 23:56:04 2007.

NOV wrote:

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

From: Designer on Tue Mar 27 0:06:35 2007.

dev wrote:

NOV wrote:

NOV :

From: Wibha on Tue Mar 27 0:07:29 2007.

NOV
From: Wibha on Tue Mar 27 0:09:00 2007.

NOV wrote:

SHOPPING MATHS

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

From: Querida on Tue Mar 27 0:16:40 2007.

NOV wrote:

AHHHH Finally! A Solution!!!

From: Wibha on Tue Mar 27 0:29:19 2007.

Querida wrote:

NOV wrote:

AHHHH Finally! A Solution!!! Twisted Evil

From: crazy on Tue Mar 27 0:59:12 2007.
From: kb on Tue Mar 27 2:55:02 2007.

nov ippa thaan urupadiya post pannirukeenga..

ivalavu naan nee kadicha kadi doctor pakkathulaiya thaan irrundhaaru... innaiki thaan oditaaru
From: Lambretta on Tue Mar 27 8:42:02 2007.

NOV wrote:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

This one sure is true!

Seems easier for women, doesnt it?
From: Newyorker on Tue Mar 27 13:21:46 2007.

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows
From: Newyorker on Tue Mar 27 13:29:32 2007.

After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."
From: Newyorker on Tue Mar 27 13:35:21 2007.

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He's one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

1. Think you can get me off?
From: crazy on Tue Mar 27 13:45:55 2007.

Newyorker wrote:

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't
1. Think you can get me off?
From: app_engine on Tue Mar 27 14:25:29 2007.

Nice thread! I had a laugh riot!

unga aLavukku creativity illai enakku:-( So, I'm pasting a link which will make you ROTFL:

http://prabhukrish.net/2007/03/26/sabari-movie-review/#more-984
From: Querida on Tue Mar 27 16:26:29 2007.

app_engine wow looks like you paid us back for your laugh riot!!! TOO hilarious! what creativity we find jokes and post them for others to enjoy that's all...
From: NOV on Tue Mar 27 22:35:45 2007.

Groooooooooooaan! another sardar joke!
but read on.... nevertheless

A Sardar, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is
a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime they are all
sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my
first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one
wish before your whipping."
The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please
tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be
carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said
smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led
away whimpering loudly.

The Sardar was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the
Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the
world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may
have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," Sardar replied.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20,
but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also
very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.
"And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheik asked.
Sardar smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back" !!!
From: NOV on Wed Mar 28 0:10:21 2007.

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number
present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got
caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by
bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
From: crazy on Wed Mar 28 2:44:24 2007.

NOV wrote:

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
From: kb on Wed Mar 28 13:29:31 2007.

nov neenga post panratha paatha marraige na remba bayama irruku

adi ellam vizhuma enna
From: NOV on Wed Mar 28 20:59:04 2007.

bayamaa?
paravala, kalyaanam pannikkO, pOga pOga pazhagi vidum.
From: NOV on Wed Mar 28 20:59:40 2007.

[tscii]A School Master from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new School in Mumbai. He reported for duty two days after the actual date of joining. Consequently he was asked for an explanation in writing�

Deer sur,
If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis speaker.This is my fist vijit to Bombai.

Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following region, too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment.

I tolded I has head ache problem due to migration. Still the clerk rejected to give ticket to I and my sun. I putted a complain on station masterji. He said I to go to the lady clerk. At first she also rejected.

I then pressed for long time and finally with great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun. Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible for getting birth of my sun.

Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life.I hope u will look into explain my hole story after, and late me joint first. I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for your responsement. May God blast you!�

Yours awfully,

RAMKHILAWAN YADAV
From: Wibha on Wed Mar 28 21:08:31 2007.
From: Designer on Wed Mar 28 22:14:21 2007.

.
The following is supposed to be an essay written by a candidate (from Bihar) for the IAS (Indian Administrative Service) exams, the essay being about "The Indian Cow" :

The candidate writes ....

" He is the cow.the cow is a successful animal. Also he is four footed.
And because he is female, he give milks, but will do so when he is got child.
He is same like-god, sacred to hindus and useful to man.
But he has got four legs together. Tow are forward and two are afterwards.
His whole body can be utilised for use.
More so the milk. milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement.
Horses do not have any such attachment.
What can it do? Various ghee,butter,cream,curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth.
Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.
His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species. Also his other motion (gobar)** is much useful to tres, plants as well as for making flat cakes like pizza, in hand, and drying in the sun.
Cow is the only animal that extricates his feding after eating... his only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child.
This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.
He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals.
It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his body whereupon he gives hit with it."

** Gobar = cow dung

It was reported by a newshound that this candidate got through the IAS and is now posted somewhere in the state of Bihar !
From: dev on Wed Mar 28 23:32:20 2007.

NOV wrote:

bayamaa?
paravala, kalyaanam pannikkO, pOga pOga pazhagi vidum.
From: NOV on Thu Mar 29 0:14:43 2007.

girl: Is it true that a woman will get half of her husband's property upon divorce?

lawyer: Mostly true. So, are you planning to divorce your husband?

girl: NO! First, I need to find a man to get married to.
From: Newyorker on Fri Mar 30 12:52:05 2007.

this is an oldie...
An elderly couple go to a physician complaining of non-specific sexual dysfunction, and ask the doctor if he will watch them having sex to determine if anything is wrong. After their romantic session, the MD assures them that everything seems fine and sends them on their way. One week later, they are back with the same complaint, and perform under his judgemental eye once more. Again, everything seems perfectly normal and he tells them so. Again, in one week's time, they appear and have sex while he watches. The MD, confused, tells them "Look, this is the third time you've been in here, and NOTHING is wrong with the way you make love! What's really going on here?"

"Well," the elderly gentleman replies, "you see, we're both married, but not to each other. So I can't go to her place, and she can't go to my place. Now Howard Johnson's charges $45 for a room, but you charge $35 for an office visit, plus we can write off 30% of this to Medicare."
From: Querida on Fri Mar 30 12:56:44 2007.

Three darling little children visit their elderly grandparents and it's decided they should sleep over rather than make the long journey home as the snow begins to fall.

Mummy reminds them that they must say their prayers as she tucks them up in the guest room.

As she goes to bed herself she is appalled to hear them at their prayers, shouting at the top of their voices:

"I PRAY FOR A NEW MOUNTAIN BIKE!"
"I PRAY FOR A NEW XBOX!"
"I PRAY FOR A NEW TRAIN SET!"

Mummy goes into the room and scolds them.

"For heaven's sake there's no need to shout your prayers! God isn't deaf!"

"We know," smiled the younger one, "But granny sure is!"
From: Querida on Fri Mar 30 13:06:53 2007.

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy and I bet he was glad to get rid of it." - Groucho Marx

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." -Louis Nizer (1902 - 1994)
1994)

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness; let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain

"A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity." - Mark Twain

"I didn't attend the funeral but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends."- Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts--for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
From: rami on Mon Apr 2 8:26:08 2007.

RedIndians & their Long names

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.

Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.

It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?
From: crazy on Mon Apr 2 11:49:47 2007.
From: NOV on Tue Apr 3 21:20:19 2007.

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.

"I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins.

Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.
From: NOV on Tue Apr 3 21:20:52 2007.

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
From: NOV on Tue Apr 3 21:23:33 2007.

[tscii]An American decided to write a book about famous worship houses around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China. On his first day he was inside a temple taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read �$10,000 per call�. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large temple, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and he asked a nearby monk what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

�O.K., thank you,� said the American.

He then traveled to Pakistan, Srilanka, Russia, Germany and France.

In every hoise of worship, he saw the same golden telephone with the same �$10,000 per call� sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to India to see if Indians had the same phone �.

He arrived in India, and again, in the first temple he entered, there was golden the same telephone, but this time the sign under it read �One Rupee per call.�

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

�I�ve traveled all over World and I�ve seen this same golden telephone in many places of worship. I�m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?�

The priest smiled and answered, �You�re in India now, and it�s a local call�.
From: NOV on Tue Apr 3 21:28:46 2007.

A man wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

Inspector: "What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the same track?"

Man: " I would switch the points for one of the trains."

Inspector: "What if the lever broke?"

Man: "Then I'd dash down to the signal box and use the manual lever there."

Inspector: "What if lightning struck it?"

Man: "Then... I'd run back into signal box & phone the next signal box."

Inspector: "What if the phone was engaged?"

Man: "Well, in that case I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level of the crossing up there..."

Inspector: "What would you do if that was vandalized?"

Man: "Oh, well, then I'd run into the village and get my Uncle Siva."

Inspector: " Why would you do that?!"

Man: "Because he's never seen a train wreck
From: NOV on Tue Apr 3 21:29:26 2007.

A man was on his death bed. His wife was stroking his hand lovingly and speaking gentle words to him for the last time.

"I gotta tell you something honey" said the man very weakly.

"No sweetie, it's all right, relax" replied the woman.

The man took a deep breath and said, "I have to say that I cheated on you with your sister, your mother and your aunt!!"

The wife cooed, "Sssshhhh, I know, just relax and let the poison do its job."
From: NOV on Tue Apr 3 21:30:06 2007.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
From: crazy on Wed Apr 4 0:50:50 2007.
From: NOV on Wed Apr 4 21:10:43 2007.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said, "Call for reinforcements."
From: NOV on Wed Apr 4 21:11:28 2007.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
From: NOV on Wed Apr 4 21:12:26 2007.

There's one thing about a late marriage - it doesn't last long.
From: NOV on Wed Apr 4 21:13:18 2007.

"But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret."
- President Reagan
From: NOV on Wed Apr 4 21:15:04 2007.

We found the following in a list of actual notes from medical records, as dictated by physicians:

1.While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

2. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

3. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
From: madhu on Wed Apr 4 21:52:25 2007.

with permission...
From: Lambretta on Thu Apr 5 8:28:07 2007.

There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.

They all decided that one person should get off, because if they
didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
From: ts on Thu Apr 5 11:18:47 2007.

15 British soldiers were captured for straying off the Iranian waters. 14 men and one women. You dont have to be a nuclear scientist to say who was reading the map !
From: Querida on Thu Apr 5 13:01:06 2007.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

oh so that's the time to get harried

*****************************************************

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- Chekhov

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
From: NOV on Thu Apr 5 20:47:38 2007.

Querida,
From: NOV on Thu Apr 5 22:19:50 2007.

Hubby: Why are you crying?

Wifey: I just finished reading a bood. Sad ending!

Hubby: What book was that?

Wifey: Yuor bank book
From: NOV on Thu Apr 5 22:21:52 2007.

Man: I am here for collecting donations for the old folks home.

Boy: Hang on there, I'll bring my granddad.
From: Querida on Fri Apr 6 20:17:38 2007.

NOV wrote:

Man: I am here for collecting donations for the old folks home.

Boy: Hang on there, I'll bring my granddad.

I hope someone comes by collecting donations for the bad siblings home....I have two donations to make!

From: temporary sori-Observer on Sat Apr 7 10:43:41 2007.

Querida wrote:

NOV wrote:

AHHHH Finally! A Solution!!! Twisted Evil

��ǡ�Ȣ� ��¢��
��
��Ш� ��
�� ¡?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbOQNlS3ooE

From: crazy on Sat Apr 7 14:46:49 2007.
From: Querida on Sat Apr 7 15:42:30 2007.

Oh no TOS

I am not speaking of parents! i am speaking of those aunties who hurt with careless words and just want you to squirm or find a another reason to buy a new saree

From: Lambretta on Sat Apr 7 16:17:39 2007.

Querida wrote:

Oh no TOS

I am not speaking of parents! i am speaking of those aunties who hurt with careless words and just want you to squirm or find a another reason to buy a new saree Rolling Eyes

Uh....u do like Sarees tho...rite?

From: Querida on Sat Apr 7 18:19:10 2007.

uh yes Lambretta i do love them....but i don't think that's any reason to torture nieces to get married so i can bug hubby for a new one (tons and tons of sequins of course)

ok enough of my petty bitterness
*****************************************************
Aunt Maud received a letter one morning, and upon reading it burst into floods of tears.

"What's the matter?" asked her companion.

"Oh dear?, sobbed Auntie, "It's my favorite nephew. He's got three feet."

"Three feet?" exclaimed her friend.

"Surely that's not possible?"

"Well," said Auntie, "his mother's just written to tell me he's grown another foot !"

*********************
Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office.

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith. "I didn't realize it.
You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"

***********************

One day I found my five-year-old daughter, with the
telephone, which she quickly hung up when she saw me.
"What were you doing?" I asked her.

"Calling Aunt Sarah."

"How could you have called Aunt Sarah ?" I asked. "You
don't even know her number."

"Yes, I do and I did call her," the girl replied.

I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince her that she
didn't know her number, but she insisted she had made
the call.

"Okay," I said finally. "What did she say, then, if
you called her?"

"She told me I had the wrong number."
*************************************
Aunt 1: "My boy is pure and gentle. He's like a cow."
Aunt 2: "He eats grass, then?"
Aunt 1: " Sumathi, stop kidding! He doesn't smoke or drink. In fact, my boy can't even tell the difference between wine and vodka."
Aunt 2: "Yeah! Yeah! That's what they all say. If he gets that drunk who can tell the difference!"
From: Newyorker on Thu Apr 12 11:08:13 2007.

What would you do?

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While

they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the
husband,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here,
in
the Holy Land , for $150." The man thought about it and told him he
would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would
spend
only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
From: Newyorker on Thu Apr 12 11:08:13 2007.

What would you do?

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While

they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the
husband,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here,
in
the Holy Land , for $150." The man thought about it and told him he
would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would
spend
only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
From: Newyorker on Thu Apr 12 11:08:13 2007.

What would you do?

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While

they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the
husband,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here,
in
the Holy Land , for $150." The man thought about it and told him he
would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would
spend
only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
From: temporary sori-Observer on Thu Apr 12 11:27:14 2007.

Newyorker wrote:

"Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

It is just like this post which has appeared three times after you sent it once
From: crazy on Thu Apr 12 14:25:56 2007.
From: Querida on Fri Apr 13 16:00:09 2007.

Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at

your picture and the problem disappears.

W ife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other

problem can there be greater than this one?"

******************************************
Wife : Do you want dinner?

Husband : Sure, what are my choices?

Wife : Yes and no.
*********************

Wife : Honey.... What are You Looking for?

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour??

Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.
**********************
Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife?

A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying...

& the other ensures you continue to do so.
*************************
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
From: crazy on Fri Apr 13 16:22:18 2007.
From: Lambretta on Tue Apr 17 13:27:40 2007.

Hmm........there's someboy who's apprehensive bout marriage here!!!
From: Newyorker on Fri Apr 20 9:51:05 2007.

Find out what may really mean when they say...

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great ****."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
From: Newyorker on Fri Apr 20 10:23:34 2007.

This is the biggest collection, of the world's biggest lies ever told...

The check is in the mail.

I'll respect you in the morning.

I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

It's only a cold sore.

You get this one, I'll pay next time.

My wife doesn't understand me.

Trust me, I'll take care of everything.

Of course I love you.

I am getting a divorce.

Drinking? Why, no, Officer.

I never inhaled.

It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

I never watch television except for PBS.

...but we can still be good friends.

She means nothing to me.

Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

I gave at the office.

Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

I'll call you later.

We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.

Read my lips: no new taxes.

I've never done anything like this before.

Now, I'm going to tell you the truth.

It's supposed to make that noise.

I *love* your new _____!

...then take a left. You can't miss it.

Yes, I did.

Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile.

From: crazy on Fri Apr 20 15:28:09 2007.

Newyorker wrote:

Find out what man really mean when they say...

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great ****."

Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

From: Newyorker on Sat Apr 21 18:22:42 2007.

How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?

LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care

LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what's intercourse?

LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money

LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything

LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax
MARRIAGE what's a climax?

LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Hi"
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts

LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are check's

LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
LUST when you couldn't give a rip
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV

LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent

LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake

LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them

LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows

LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it's just the same mushy old crap
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music

LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought

LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you're only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score
From: littlemaster1982 on Wed Apr 25 15:37:17 2007.

The Best of Dilbert Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

10: I've run away to join a different circus.
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Mon Apr 30 9:55:25 2007.

What happens if 1 rupee = 45 US dollars!

Scene 1

Venue: Microsoft Corporation, New York, US

Some s/w engineers are seeing some photographs.

s/w engg 1 : What's that?

s/w engg 2 : Bob's photographs from India .

s/w engg 1 : Wow. Let me see. Which is this place?

s/w engg 3 : (Sees the photo) This is Mount Road, Chennai.

s/w engg 1 : Fundoo yaar! And what is this? He got Bajaj Pulsar also.

s/w engg 2 : Let me see (sees). This guy enjoys life maan..

s/w engg 3 : You know how much an Bajaj Pulsar costs? Nearly 60K..... Say it in dollars...

s/w engg 2: Oops. We can't dream of such a thing here.

s/w engg 1 : Let's go to India & try for a job.

[Everybody excited.]

Scene 2

Venue: Sun Microsystems, SanFrancisco, California, US

s/w engg 1: I'm with you man. My Visa is expected anytime. Soon I will fly to India

s/w engg 2 : Ohhh.... When is the party?

s/w engg 1: When I get it on hand.

s/w engg 2: Where will you be working?

s/w engg 1 : I'll be working in Thallakulam

s/w engg 2 : Oh! Thallakulam. Great yaar. Where it is...

s/w engg 1 : It is in Madurai.

s/w engg 3 : Fundoo place yaar. Nice climate Not like California.

You'll love the weather yaar. One of my friends is in Jaipur, Rajasthan... He says it's the ultimate place to live in. Cool maan.

s/w engg 2 : Who is the client yaar?

s/w engg 1: You know Madurai Municipal Corporation?

s/w engg 3 : Yeah. MMC. One of my friends is there in the Road Cleaning Division. Most challenging job yaar. People are working in the cutting edge of technology there.

s/w engg 1 : I'll be writing software for the accounts department of the GCU.

s/w engg 2: GCU? what it means...?

s/w engg 1 : that is Garbage Collecting Unit.

s/w engg 3 : Great yaar. That's what I like about that country.

You can get a job which requires all your skill. Not like here. See I'm writing software for the space shuttle remote control. I hate this.

s/w engg 1 : Don't worry guys. I'll give you my Hotmail id. You can send your resume to me and I'll forward it to the HRD.

[Everybody takes down his Hotmail id.]

Scene 3

Venue: IBM, New York, US (Conversation between a Male s/w engg. and Female s/w engg.)

Male : Hi!

Female: Hi. You know. I'm planning to settle in India soon.

Male : What??

Female : Yeah. My marriage will be here in America only. He is doing his PhD in Madurai Kamraj University and he's coming here for a month. His study will be over in 2 months. He's already got a job in Mannaar and company. We planned to settle in Madurai itself... I'm also planning to work there. Let's see...

Male: Good luck... dont forget us & US...

Scene 4

Venue: Intel Corp. US

s/w engg 1: Great news guys. Our George has got admission in the Melur Arts College in Melur,Madurai with scholarship for B.A History. A great new field yaar... All are excited...

George : Got my Visa yesterday. It's all finalized now.

s/w engg 2 : Congrats yaar. So you are out of this country.

s/w engg 1 : B.A in Histroy...ohh. ..man, enjoy your life there?

s/w engg 2 : Got full aid, eh?

George : Yeah. Got the UGC scholarship That will be 1200 Rupees per year.

s/w engg 1 : Great. Enjoy.

s/w engg 2 : (Thinking loud): 1200 Indian Rupees...! that means 1200 * 45 = 54,000 Dollars... with that amount I can buy a three bed-room flat & a Mercedes here...!!!

Scene 5

A foreigner working in Chennai as Software Engg gets a call from his Home ..

Father : What are you doing son ?

S/w Eng : Having breakfast ?

Father : what are you eating ?

S/w Eng: Cocunut Sauce and Rice Bread and roasted round ring ie (OUR Idli and Chutney and vada
From: mgb on Tue May 1 7:02:17 2007.

Disorder In The Court...
>These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
>people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
>by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
>were actually taking place.
>
>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>WITNESS: I forget.
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
>forgot?
>_____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>voodoo?
>WITNESS: We both do.
>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>WITNESS: We do.
>ATTORNEY: You do?
>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
>he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
>________________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me?
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
>attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death.
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>WITNESS: Guess.
>_____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>deposition
>notice which I sent to your attorney?
>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
>dead people?
>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
>like to rephrase that?
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
>an autopsy on him!
>____________________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
>______________________________________
>And the best for last:
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
>a pulse?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
>the autopsy?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>practicing law.
From: crazy on Tue May 1 7:09:00 2007.
From: Newyorker on Tue May 1 8:04:38 2007.

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:

"Good till the last drop".

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:

"Extra Long. King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Adirways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said:

"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted...
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Fri May 4 0:38:10 2007.

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get
married. His father was happy for him. Cheerfully, he asked his son who
the girl was, and the young man told him that it was Samantha a girl from
the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son
but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't
tell your mother." The young man again brought three more names to his old
man, but ended up more frustrated because the response was still the same.

So he decided to go to his mother. "Mama I want to get married but all
the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you."

His mother smiling said to him,"Aagh! Don't worry my son; you can marry
any of those girls.

You're not his son anyway, but please don't tell your father!!!"

What a bamily!!
From: Newyorker on Wed May 9 14:06:03 2007.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-

year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with

a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into

operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he

shouted. "An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

After a few moments he announced, " The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called

out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

From: c4ramesh on Wed May 9 14:29:07 2007.

Newyorker wrote:

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-

year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with

a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into

operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he

shouted. "An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

After a few moments he announced, " The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called

out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

Good one...

From: c4ramesh on Thu May 10 9:44:51 2007.

This guy walks into a bar wearing a Lion jersey and carrying a little dog that also has a Lion jersey on with a little Lions helmet too. The guy says to the bartender, "Can my dog and I watch the Lions game here? My TV at home broke and my dog and I want to see the game."

The bartender replies, normally, dogs in the bar would not be allowed, but it is not terribly busy in here, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there is any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave.

The guy agrees and he and his dog start watching the game. Pretty soon the Lions kick a field goal and the little dog jumps on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.

The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool! What does he do for a touch down?"

The guy answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years."
From: Sudhaama on Thu May 10 12:39:21 2007.

.
.Simple Exercise : THEORY OF RELATIVITY.!!

Dr Albert Einsteine, the Scientist was asked by his Scientist-friend...

"Your Peculiar Theory.... the so called THEORY OF RELATIVITY is confusing. I am unable to understand it."

Einsteine replied "Oh! You are a Scientist..!! Still unable to understand this simple Scientific Theory of Comparative Analysis!.. Well...mmm Then by a simple practical exercise you can understand it.... Please do as I say...

...Place your fingers on a Hot-oven just for One Minute continuously.!... What do You feel?... One Minute appears to be ONE LONG HOUR.!!... Is it Not?

...then go and sit by the side of a pretty girl... for One long Hour continuously...What do You feel?... One Hour appears to be ...JUST ONE MINUTE. !!...Is it Not?...

...That is the THEORY OF RELATIVITY. !!!... Very Simple.!!... OK?
.
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 11 22:58:14 2007.

Important Rules For Men

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
From: kb on Sat May 12 3:43:43 2007.

c4ramesh wrote:

Important Rules For Men

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 12 23:20:15 2007.

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 14 0:18:19 2007.

Long Marriage

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
From: Newyorker on Tue May 15 11:55:14 2007.

Seminars For Women

These valuable courses specific to the needs of women has been thoughtfully prepared and presented by men as in-depth and life changing courses.

1. Elementary Map Reading

2. Crying and Law Enforcement

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours

5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast

6. The Seven-Outfit Week

7. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it"

8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions

9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights

10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed

11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water

12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament

13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "Me Too" Equals I Love You

14. How to Earn Your Own Money

15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics = Good"

16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side

17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station

19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels

20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too

22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out

23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")

24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"

25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House

26. Your Mate: Selfish *******, or Victimized Sensitive Man?
From: crazy on Tue May 15 11:59:37 2007.
From: thamizhvaanan on Tue May 15 23:37:07 2007.

A gujrati, a Madrasi and a sardar Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the gujju said, "dhokla! If I get dhokla one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Madrasi opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "idli sambhar again! If I get idli sambhar one more time I'm going to jump off too."

The sardar opened his lunch and said, parotha again! If I get a parotha one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the gujju opened his lunch box, saw dhokla, and jumped to his death.

The Madrasi opened his lunch, saw a idli sambhar, and jumped, too.

The sardar guy opened his lunch, saw the parotha and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the gujju's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of dhokla, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Madrasi's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him dossa ! I didn't realize he hated idli sambhar so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the sardar's wife. The sardar's wife said, " Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch
From: crazy on Wed May 16 0:17:56 2007.
From: c4ramesh on Wed May 16 0:42:01 2007.

thamizhvaanan wrote:

Everyone turned and stared at the sardar's wife. The sardar's wife said, " Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch

Adaa pavingaala.
From: thamizhvaanan on Wed May 16 3:03:00 2007.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

From: Lambretta on Wed May 16 13:37:17 2007.

c4ramesh wrote:

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

From: Querida on Wed May 16 13:52:31 2007.

@ Thamizhvaanan's first joke...heard it as three stooges joke...always funny

EWWWWWWWW! @ Thamizhvaanan's second joke!
From: kb on Wed May 16 14:28:05 2007.

thamizhvaanan wrote:

Everyone turned and stared at the sardar's wife. The sardar's wife said, " Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch

From: c4ramesh on Wed May 16 23:48:28 2007.

thamizhvaanan wrote:

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

From: c4ramesh on Wed May 16 23:49:42 2007.

Doctor Advice

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
From: c4ramesh on Wed May 16 23:50:47 2007.

Blonde Diet

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you�ll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that�s amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I�ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."
From: padmanabha on Thu May 17 11:15:33 2007.

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first
place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking
strippers. What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so
what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a
"party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every business
man in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary,
thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we
could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back
20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services." The
lavatories would ALWAYS be occupied... we could charge for dues in
the "Mile High Club."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline
industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win
situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a
liability into an asset.

Why the hell didn't president Bush think of this? Why do I still have
to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton
From: crazy on Thu May 17 14:25:24 2007.
From: Wibha on Thu May 17 20:31:56 2007.
From: Chappani on Fri May 18 10:39:03 2007.
From: ajithfederer on Fri May 18 12:01:52 2007.
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 18 23:29:20 2007.

Paying The Bill

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
From: thamizhvaanan on Fri May 18 23:34:34 2007.
From: crazy on Sat May 19 1:31:12 2007.
From: thamizhvaanan on Sat May 19 6:34:04 2007.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

From: c4ramesh on Mon May 21 5:29:32 2007.

thamizhvaanan wrote:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

This joke was selected as the best joke of some 200*, I am not which year exactly....

From: Newyorker on Mon May 21 14:25:02 2007.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his **** in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says,

"There 's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

"A r e - m y- te s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
From: kb on Mon May 21 14:40:39 2007.

i heard this in asatha povathu yaaru.. in a temple

boy: pillaiyaar maama naa ninachathellam nalla padiya nadakanum..

poosari: abishtu ennada pillaiyaara maamanu koopidra

boy: enga pakkathu veetla irrukira ponnu pillaiyaarappa-nu koopidra
From: crazy on Mon May 21 14:42:38 2007.

pillayar maama
From: thamiz on Mon May 21 18:46:06 2007.

Check this out, folks!

http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/dilbert-20070520.html

I won the argument but it was a hollow victory!
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 21 22:27:57 2007.

What Is Wrong

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: �Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?�

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: �Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....�
From: Querida on Tue May 22 15:12:19 2007.

thamiz wrote:

Check this out, folks!

http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/dilbert-20070520.html

I won the argument but it was a hollow victory!

Thamiz i just read this very same comic in Saturday's paper...still read the comics first before anything else
From: thamiz on Tue May 22 15:27:38 2007.

I loved that Q. It came out here only on sunday. Nope actually it is sunday paper you could get it on saturday.

Sometimes when I read "Dilbert" I laugh out loudly like crazy.

People including folks give a weird look at me!
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 24 7:12:02 2007.

[tscii]Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,

it is your fate but,

if your father-in-law is a poor man,

it�s your stupidity.

��..

I was born intelligent -

education ruined me.

��..

Practice makes perfect�..

But nobody�s perfect��

so why practice?

��..

If it�s true that we are here to help others,

then what exactly are the others here for?

��..

Since light travels faster than sound,

people appear bright until you hear them speak.

��..

How come �abbreviated� is such a long word?

��..

Money is not everything.

There�s Mastercard & Visa.

��..

One should love animals.

They are so tasty.

��..

Behind every successful man, there is a woman

And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

��..

Every man should marry.

After all, happiness is not the only thing in

life.

��..

The wise never marry.

and when they marry they become otherwise.

��..

Success is a relative term.

It brings so many relatives.

��..

Never put off the work till tomorrow

what you can put off today.

��..

�Your future depends on your dreams�

So go to sleep

��..

There should be a better way to start a day

Than waking up every morning

��..

�Hard work never killed anybody�

But why take the risk

��..

�Work fascinates me�

I can look at it for hours

��..

God made relatives;

Thank God we can choose our friends.

��..

The more you learn, the more you know,

The more you know, the more you forget

The more you forget, the less you know

So.. why learn.

��..

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station�.

what more can I say��..

From: seran on Thu May 24 7:46:26 2007.

c4ramesh wrote:

[tscii]Lessons in Logic

“Hard work never killed anybody”

But why take the risk

……………………………………………………………..

“Work fascinates me”

I can look at it for hours

……………………………………………………………..

good one

From: padmanabha on Thu May 24 11:35:29 2007.

baby fish to its mother on a boat,

it is lovely here...why do you then say that we feel terrible like fish out of water...?

Mother said " We are food ....out of water"
From: Lambretta on Thu May 24 13:19:36 2007.

c4ramesh wrote:

I was born intelligent -

education ruined me.

This one's no joke for sure!
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 25 6:39:41 2007.

Taking A Leak

An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 25 6:41:37 2007.

Like A Woman

As a boat is about to sink, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks: "Is there someone on this ship who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says: "Here, iron this!".
From: crazy on Fri May 25 11:53:07 2007.
From: Braandan on Sat May 26 5:01:12 2007.

Talented Rat
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 31 9:24:06 2007.

Hearing Check

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.

The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"
From: Shekhar on Mon Jun 4 0:19:08 2007.

Q: Do Moderators of the Hub have good sense?

A: No. Because they allow too much goodsense in the hub!!
From: Roshan on Tue Jun 5 2:44:28 2007.

Shekhar wrote:

Q: Do Moderators of the Hub have good sense?

A: No. Because they allow too much goodsense in the hub!!

Your joke makes lot of 'good sense' Shekhar And I realised it after reading some posts elsewhere But Shekhar, I am way too fortunate not to get involved at all right from the beginning Got what I mean ?
From: goodsense on Tue Jun 5 10:41:23 2007.

Huh!
From: Braandan on Tue Jun 5 23:38:15 2007.

Shekhar wrote:

Q: Do Moderators of the Hub have good sense?

A: No. Because they allow too much goodsense in the hub!!

don't convert the joke thread into a "raNakkaLam", please!
From: goodsense on Fri Jun 8 1:54:54 2007.

I shall play the piper and you shall dance to my tune every where I go. Carry on.
From: Chappani on Fri Jun 8 13:48:46 2007.

Nice one Nov..
From: Querida on Sun Jun 17 1:13:51 2007.

Shekhar!!!! Great to read your posts again! LOLz i see you've already managed to offend someone by wanting to be their carry-on luggage

*******************
Bravery is arriving home late after a boozy night out, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

*****************************
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
A. Female ... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
B. Male ... A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
A. Female ... A good movie, concert, play or book.
B. Male ... Anything that can be done while drinking.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
A. Female ... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
B. Male ... Playing baseball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
A. Female ... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
B. Male ... Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
A. Female ... A desire to get married and raise a family.
B. Male ... Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend
From: dev on Sun Jun 17 22:17:32 2007.

@Q
From: Shekhar on Mon Jun 18 0:41:50 2007.

Hi, Querida !!!! How are you?? Convey my love to all the nice girls of Canada including you !!!!
From: ajithfederer on Mon Jun 18 10:46:50 2007.

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.....

In a trial, a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand.
The witness was grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, " Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"
She responded,
"Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you"

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. Do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied,
"Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very Quiet voice, said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt.
From: Badri on Mon Jun 18 18:50:44 2007.

One young man went for an IAS Interview.

"When did India get independence?" He was asked.

"The efforts began a few years earlier and final
result was in 1947" He
replied.

"Who was responsible for our independence?"

"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one,
it will be a injustice
to another." He replied.

"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"

"Some research is going on the subject and I can
answer with certainly only
after seeing the report" He replied.

The interview board was very pleased with his
original and thoughtful
answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to
others, since they were
planning to ask the same questions.

When he went out naturally others were curious to
know what was asked. He
politely declined, but one persistent Santa would
not leave him. "At least
tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend
obliged.

Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went
inside, since his resume
was slightly illegible, the board member asked him."
By the way, what is
your date of birth?"

He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier
and final result was in
1947."

Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification.
"What is your fathers
name?"

He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention".
If I name one, it will be
injustice to another".

The interviewer was incensed.

"Hey! Are you mad or what?"

He replied. "Some research is going on the subject.
I can answer with
certainty only after seeing the
report
From: madhu on Mon Jun 18 19:23:55 2007.

Badri...
From: Braandan on Mon Jun 18 21:57:34 2007.

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.

The Problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child
into the world with all the pain and labor.

The child Should be in my custody. "

The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your
defense?"

The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If
I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...

Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"

From: ajithfederer on Mon Jun 18 22:44:49 2007.

This came in a movie Rolling Eyes

Badri wrote:

One young man went for an IAS Interview.

"When did India get independence?" He was asked.

"The efforts began a few years earlier and final
result was in 1947" He
replied.

"Who was responsible for our independence?"

"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one,
it will be a injustice
to another." He replied.

"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"

"Some research is going on the subject and I can
answer with certainly only
after seeing the report" He replied.

The interview board was very pleased with his
original and thoughtful
answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to
others, since they were
planning to ask the same questions.

When he went out naturally others were curious to
know what was asked. He
politely declined, but one persistent Santa would
not leave him. "At least
tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend
obliged.

Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went
inside, since his resume
was slightly illegible, the board member asked him."
By the way, what is
your date of birth?"

He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier
and final result was in
1947."

Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification.
"What is your fathers
name?"

He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention".
If I name one, it will be
injustice to another".

The interviewer was incensed.

"Hey! Are you mad or what?"

He replied. "Some research is going on the subject.
I can answer with
certainty only after seeing the
report

From: ajaybaskar on Thu Jun 21 4:08:11 2007.

மாணவன்: செய்யாத ஒன்றுக்காக நான் தண்டனை அனுபவிக்க வேண்டுமா?
டீச்சர்: கண்டிப்பாக இல்லை
மாணவன்: அப்படின்னா..இன்னிக்கு நான் ஹோம்வொர்க் செய்யலை.

நபர்1: அங்கே என்ன கூட்டம்?
நபர்2: மந்திரி கால்வாய் திறக்கிறார்..
நபர்1: ஏன் ? முழு வாயை திறக்க மாட்டாரோ?

ஆ: நாம இப்போ போற ஊர்ல மக்களெல்லாம் இலைகளைத்தான் ஆடைகளாக உடுத்துவாங்க...
மா: அப்போ நாம இலையுதிர் காலத்தில் அங்க போலாம் சார்.

ஒரு அடர்ந்த காட்டுக் குகையில் மூன்று முனிவர்கள் ஆழ்ந்த தவம் செய்து கொண்டிருந்தனர். அப்போது ஒரு பறவை கத்தும் சத்தம் கேட்டது..
ஆறு மாதம் கழித்து முதல் முனிவர் சொன்னார்.. கேட்டாயா குயிலின் கீதத்தை..?
ஒரு வருடம் கழித்து இரண்டாம் முனிவர் பதிலளித்தார்.. அது குயில் அல்ல.. மைனா..!
இரண்டு வருடம் கழித்து மூன்றாவது முனிவர் கடுகடுத்தார்.. நீங்கள் இருவரும் தொணதொணவென்று பேசிக்கொண்டே இருந்தால் நான் குகையை விட்டு வெளியேறி விடுவேன்...!!!!

ஒரு காதலன் காதலர் தினத்துக்கு பரிசளிக்க ஒரு தங்க டாலரை வாங்கினான்..கடைக்காரர் காதலி பெயரை அதில் பொறித்து தரவா எனக் கேட்டார்..காதலன் சொன்னான்..

"வேண்டாம்.. என் உயிரினும் மேலான காதலிக்கு என்று மட்டும் பொறியுங்கள்.. ஏதாவது சண்டையில் திருப்பி தந்து விட்டால் கூட அடுத்தவளுக்கு பயன்படும்..!

ஏம்பா நம்ம மேனேஜர் கம்ப்யூட்டரை முழுசா நம்பிடாதீங்கன்னு அடிக்கடி சொல்றாரு..?

அவர் கம்புயூட்டர்லேதான் ஜாதகப் பொருத்தம் பார்த்து கல்யாணம் பண்ணிக்கிட்டாராம்.. அனுபவம் பேசுது..!

__________________

குடும்பத்தோடு பார்க்க வேண்டிய படம்ன்னு போட்டிருந்தும் தனியாப் போனது தப்பா போச்சு சார்..

அடடா..? என்னாச்சு..?

பேச்சுத்துணைக்கு கூட கண்ணுக்கு எட்டின தூரம் ஆள் இல்லே சார்...!!!
__________________

ஒருநாள் நள்ளிரவில்..

ஒரு மருத்துவர் வீட்டின் படுக்கையறையில் உள்ள குளிர் சாதன இயந்திரம் பழுது பட்டு விட்டது. மருத்துவரால் தூங்க இயலவில்லை. உடனே தனக்கு பழக்கமான கம்மியர் (மெக்கானிக்) ஒருவருக்கு தொலைபேசினார்.

பாதித் தூக்கத்தில் எழுந்த கம்மியர், "காலையில் பார்த்துக் கொள்ளலாமே அய்யா.." என்றார். வெகுண்டு போன மருத்துவர், உங்களுக்கு ஒரு அவசரம் என்றால் பாதி ராத்திரியில் என்னை எழுப்பி மருந்து கேட்பீர்கள்.. எனக்கு மட்டும் உதவக் கூடாதா..?" என்று சூடாகக் கேட்டார்.

எதிர் முனையில் சில வினாடிகள் நிசப்தம்.. பின்னர் கம்மியர் சொன்னார்...

" அய்யா.. இரண்டு மணி நேரத்துக்கு ஒருமுறை ஒரு ஆஸ்பிரின் மாத்திரையைப் போடுங்கள்.. வெந்நீர் குடிக்க கொடுங்கள்.. சரியாகவில்லை என்றால் காலையில் அழைத்து வாருங்கள்..!
__________________

ஒரு அழகான பொண்ணு ஒரு ஜவுளிக்கடைக்குப் போனா.. ஒரு விலை உயர்ந்த சுடிதார் மெட்டீரியலைப் பார்த்து "மீட்டர் என்ன விலை..?" ன்னு கேட்டா.
கடைக்காரன் ஒரு ஜொள்ளு பார்ட்டி. ஒரு மீட்டர் விலை ஒரு முத்தம்ன்னு சொன்னான்.. சரின்னு அந்த துணி பூராவையும் எடுத்துக்கிட்டா.. கடைக்காரன் ஆசையா விலை தரச்சொன்னான்..

அந்த அழகி வாசலைப் பார்த்து குரல் கொடுத்தாள்..

"பாட்டிம்மா... வந்து பில் பே பண்ணுங்க...!"
____________________________________

கணவனிடம் மனைவி...

நான் செத்தப்புறம் தான் என் அருமை உங்களுக்கு தெரியும்.. உலகம் பூரா சுத்தினாலும் என்னை மாதிரி ஒருத்தி உங்களுக்கு கிடைக்க மாட்டா..

உலகம் பூரா சுத்தி உன்னை மாதிரி ஒருத்தியை கொண்டுவர எனக்கு என்ன பைத்தியமா புடிச்சிருக்கு..?
____________________________________

இந்த ஜோசியர் ரொம்ப அலட்டல் பேர்வழியா இருப்பார் போல இருக்கே..

ஏன்.. என்ன சொன்னார்..?

வாளை மீனுக்கும், விலாங்கு மீனுக்கும் இவர்தான் பொருத்தம் பார்த்து கல்யாணம் பண்ணி வச்சாராம்..!
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போஸ்ட் மேன்.. என் பேருக்கு எதாச்சும் கடிதாசு வந்திருக்கா..?

பாக்கறேன்.. ஆமாம் .. உங்க பேரு என்ன..?

அது அந்தக் கடிதாசு மேலேயே இருக்கும் பாருங்க.. ஹி..ஹி..
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பத்திரிகை ஆசிரியர் ; என்ன சார் கதை எழுதியிருக்கீங்க..? உப்பு சப்பு இல்லாமே..

கதை ஆசிரியர் ; உங்ககிட்ட கதை படிக்கதான் கொடுத்தேன்.. திங்க இல்லே..!
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அதோ போறாரே.. அவர் விஞ்ஞானின்னு பீலா விட்டுக்கிட்டு திரிஞ்சதைக் கண்டுபிடிச்சுட்டாங்க..

எப்படி..?

அகில உலக விஞ்ஞானிகள் மாநாட்டுல போய், பூமி தன்னைத் தானே சுத்திக்கிட்டு, சூரியனையும் சுத்துதே.. எப்போ மயக்கம் அடிச்சு விழப்போகுதுன்னு கேட்டாராம்...!
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அதோ போறாரே.. அவர் பெரிய E. N. T. ஸ்பெஷலிஸ்ட்..

டாக்டரா..?

இல்லே.. ஒண்ணும் இல்லாத விஷயத்தைகூட கண்ணு, காது, மூக்கு எல்லாம் வச்சு புளுகுவார்..!

ஒரு மாது இன்னொரு மாதுவுடன் :

"ஐ.சி.யூ-வில் அட்மிட் ஆகியிருந்த உன் மாமியார்
எப்படி இருக்காங்க?"

"சிகிச்சை பலனின்றி உயிர் பிழைச்சுட்டாங்க!!!"

@@@

இரு நண்பர்கள் ஒட்டலுக்கு போகுமுன், வெளியில் வைக்கபட்டுள்ள
மெனு போர்டைப் பார்க்கிறார்கள்.

"அந்த மெனு போர்டிலே

'இன்றைய ஸ்பெஷல்,
காரம், மணம், குணம் நிறைந்த
சாம்பார்னு எழுதி வைச்சிருக்காங்களே, ஏன்ன விஷயம்?"

"சரக்கு மாஸ்டர் அவர் மூக்குப் பொடி டப்பாவை
தவறி சாம்பாரிலே போட்டுட்டாராம்!!!"

%%%

"என்ன சார் இது, உங்க வீட்டு சமையலறை கதவிலே
'சொர்க்கம்' என்று எழுதியிருக்கு?"

"ஆமாம், சோறு கண்ட இடம், சொர்க்கம் தானே".

###
பொண்ணு கிளி மாதிரி இருப்பாள் என்று தரகர் சொன்னதை நம்பி கல்யாணம்
பண்ணிக்கிட்டேன்...
என்னாச்சு?
பேசியதையே திரும்பத் திரும்பப் பேசி கழுத்தை அறுக்கிறாளே

********************

நோயாளி: டாக்டர் ஆப்ரெஷனுக்கு அப்புறம் என்னால வயலின் வாசிக்க முடியுமா?
டாக்டர் : ஓ கண்டிப்பாக முடியும் கவலைப்படாதிங்க !
நோயாளி: இல்ல இதுக்கு முன்னாடி நான் வயலின் வாசித்ததே இல்ல

*******************

டீச்சர் : ஏண்டா பள்ளிகூடத்திற்க்கு தாமதமா வந்தே ?
மாணவன்: வரும் வழில " பள்ளிகூடம் இருக்கிறது மெதுவாக செல்லவும்" போர்டு
இருந்தது டீச்சர்...

*********************
ஆசிரியர் : உலகத்தை முதலில் சுத்தி வந்தது யாரு?

மாணவன் : விடுங்க சார் ! ஊர சுத்துன வெட்டிப் பயல பத்தி என்ன பேச்சு வேண்டி கிடக்கு ?

ஆசிரியர் : ?!?!

*********************

என்னதான் மனுசனுக்கு வீடு, வாசல், காடு, கரைன்னு எல்லாம் இருந்தாலும்,

ரயிலேறனும்னா,

ஃப்ளாட்பாரத்துக்கு வந்துதான் ஆகனும். இதுதான் வாழ்க்கை .
From: ajaybaskar on Thu Jun 21 4:09:28 2007.

வயது முதிர்ந்த பெண்மணி ஒருவர் மாடிப் படியில் இறங்கும்போது கீழே விழுந்து எலும்பு முறிவு ஏற்பட்டது.
மருத்துவர் மாவுக்கட்டு போட்டுவிட்டு " பாட்டி, இன்னும் 1 மாசத்துக்கு மாடிப் படி ஏறக்கூடாது.." என்று சொல்லிப் போனார்.

ஒரு மாதத்துக்குப் பின், மாவுக்கட்டை மருத்துவர் அகற்றும் போது பாட்டி கேட்டாள்..

டாக்டர்.. இனி படியில் ஏறலாமில்லையா..?

ஓ.எஸ்.. தாராளமா..

நன்றி டாக்டர்.. தண்ணி பைப்பை புடிச்சி மாடி ஏறுவது ரொம்பக் கஷ்டமா இருந்திச்சு..!!!

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எதுக்குப்பா கல்யாண மாப்பிள்ளையை குதிரையிலே ஏத்திவிடறாங்க..?

தப்பிச்சு போக கடைசியா ஒரு வாய்ப்பு கொடுக்கறாங்க..!

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ஏதாவது கல்யாணத்துக்கு போனாப் போதும்.. இந்த பாட்டிகள் எல்லாம் வந்து கன்னத்தை கிள்ளி " அடுத்தது உனக்குதான்" ன்னு ரவுசு பண்ணுவாங்க.

இதுக்கெல்லாம் ஒரு முடிவு கட்டினேன்.. எப்படி தெரியுமா..?

நானும் அவங்களை கிண்டல் பண்ண ஆரம்பிச்சேன்.." அடுத்தது நீதான்" அப்படின்னு... துக்கம் கேட்க போற வீடுகள்லே...!!

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ஆண் யானையும் பெண் எறும்பும் காதலித்தன.. எறும்பு பெற்றோர் சம்மத்ம் வேண்டி நின்றது. அவர்களும் 2 நாளில் யோசித்து சொல்வதாக கூறினர்..

படபடப்பான 48 மணி நேரத்துக்குப் பிறகு முடிவு அறிவிக்கப்பட்டது.

எங்களுக்கு சம்மதம் இல்லை.. பையனுக்கு பல்லு பெருசா இருக்கு..!!!

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[blue)தாய் ; மகனே எழுந்திருப்பா..ஸ்கூலுக்கு நேரமாச்சு..
மகன் ; போம்மா..எனக்கு அந்த ஸ்கூலுக்கு போகவே பிடிக்கல்லே..

தாய் ; அப்படிச் சொல்லாதே..நீ வேலைக்கு போய் சம்பாதிக்க வேண்டாமா..? சரி..ஏன் உனக்கு அந்த பள்ளி பிடிக்கல்லே? ரெண்டு நியாயமான காரணம் சொல்லு..நான் விட்டுடறேன்..

மகன் ; 1. படிக்கற பசங்களுக்கும் என்னை பிடிக்கல..2. வாத்தியார்களுக்கும் என்னைப் பிடிக்கலே.!
தாய் ; இதெல்லாம் எல்லாரும் சொல்றது தான்..சமத்தா கிளம்புடா கண்ணா..!

மகன் ; நான் ஏன் பள்ளிக்கூடம் போகணும் ? ரெண்டு நியாயமான காரணம் சொல்லு.. நான் போறேன்..

தாய் ; சனியனே..1. உனக்கு 53 வயசு ஆகுது..2. நீதாண்டா அந்த ஸ்கூல் தலைமை ஆசிரியர்..!!!!

மார்க்கெட்டிலிருந்து வீட்டுக்கு காய்கறி வாங்கிப்போகும் ஒருவர் வெண்டைக்காய்களை உடைத்துப் பார்த்து முற்றலாக இருந்தால் கீழே போட்டுவிட்டு சென்றார்.. எதிரில் வந்த நண்பர் ஆச்சர்யம் தாங்காமல் ஏனென்று கேட்டார்..

என்ன சார் பண்றது..? உடைச்சு பார்த்து வாங்கினா கடைக்காரன் திட்டறான்.. உடைக்காம வாங்கினா வீட்டுக்காரி திட்டுறா..!

ஊரெல்லாம் காய்ச்சலா இருக்குதாம்.. வென்னீர் கொண்டா மல்லிகா..

ஏங்க கவலை படுறீங்க.. அதெல்லாம் மூளைக் காய்ச்சல்தான்.. உங்களை ஒன்னும் பண்ணாது..!

உணவகத்தில் ஒரு சீமாட்டி பணப்பையை விட்டுச் சென்றார்..

வழங்குனர் ஒருவர் ஒடோடிப் போய் அவரிடம் கொடுத்து..

" உள்ளிருக்கும் பணம் சரியாக இருக்கிறதா பாருங்கள்.."

" சரியாக உள்ளது.. ஆனால் 1 ஆயிரம் ரூபாய்த் தாள் வைத்திருந்தேன்.. இதில் 10 நூறு ரூபாய்த்தாள் இருக்கிறதே.. எப்படி..? ஓ... நீ சர்வரா..? இந்தா 100 ரூபாய்...!!!"

ஏண்டா சின்னா நம்ம வாத்தியாரை டீ கடையிலே ரவுண்டு கட்டி அடிச்சாங்க..?

பஜ்ஜி சாப்பிட்டு சும்மா வரவேண்டியதுதானே..? பழக்க தோஷத்திலே உங்க பொண்ண பாட சொல்லுங்க ன்னுருக்கார்..!!

ஒரு சிறுவன் 5 ரூபாய் காசு ஒன்றை விழுங்கிவிட்டான்.. பெற்றோர் செய்வதறியாது திகைக்கும்போது ஒருவர் ஓடிவந்தார்.. கவலைப்படாதீர்கள் என்றுசொல்லி, சிறுவனை புரட்டிப் போட்டு இடம் பார்த்து தட்ட, துப்பாக்கி குண்டு போல காசு வெளியே வந்தது.. நிம்மதியுற்ற பெற்றோர் கேட்டனர்..

"நீங்கள் டாக்டரா..?"

"கல்லூரி தாளாளர்.. காசை எப்படி வரவழைக்குறது எப்படின்னு எங்களுக்கு தெரியும்.."!!!

ஒருவன் பழைய கட்டிடத்தினூடே சென்று கொண்டிருந்தான்..
அப்போது " அப்படியே நில்.. அசையாதே.." என்று ஒரு சத்தம். ஆனால் எங்கிருந்து வந்தது எனத் தெரியவில்லை.. என்றாலும் அசையாமல் நிற்க, அவன் போகவிருந்த வழியில் ஒரு சுவர் இடிந்து விழுந்தது. இவன் நிம்மதிப் பெருமூச்சு விட்டான்..

மற்றொரு நாள்.. பேர்ந்தில் ஏறப் போனபோது மீண்டும் அதே குரல்.. " இந்த பேருந்து வேண்டாம்..". அவனும் அதைத் தவிர்த்து அடுத்த பேருந்தில் செல்லும்போது இவன் சென்றிருக்கவேண்டிய பேருந்து கவிழ்ந்திருப்பதைப் பார்த்தான்..

மிகவும் ஆச்சரியத்துக்குள்ளானவனாய், யார் என்னை ஒவ்வொருமுறையும் காப்பாற்றுவது..?" என நினைத்தான்.. அதற்கும் உடனடியாக பதில் வந்தது.." நான் உன் காவல் தெய்வம்".

இவன் அடுத்தபடியாக கேட்டான்,,

"ஓ காவல் தெய்வமே... என் கல்யாணத்தப்ப எங்கே போய்த் தொலைஞ்சே..?"

என்னப்பா சர்வர்.. காப்பியிலே "ஈ" கிடக்குதே..?

சார்.. நீங்க டிப்ஸ் தர்றீங்க.. இல்லேங்கலே.. ஆனா எல்லாத்தையும் என்னையே செய்ய சொன்னா எப்படி சார்..? சாம்பார்ல கிடந்த பல்லியை நான் எடுத்து போட்டது மாதிரி, இதை நீங்க எடுத்துப் போட்டுருங்க..!

இன்னிக்கு உங்க சொற்பொழிவு அபாரம் அய்யா..

நன்றி இளைஞனே.. ஆனால் கூட்டத்துக்கு வந்தவர்கள் எல்லாம் முட்டாள்களும் உதவாக்கரைகளும்...

ஓ... அதனால்தான் சகோதரர்களே.. சகோதரிகளே என்று உரையை ஆரம்பித்தீர்களா..?

ஏலக்கடைக்காரர் வீடு இதுதானே..?

ஆமாம்...

நீங்க மூணு பேரும் யாரு..?

நான் அவரோட முதல் தாரம்.. அது இரண்டாம் தாரம்.. இவ மூன்றாம் தாரம்...!!!

பள்ளிக்கூடத்திற்கு செல்ல விரும்பாத மாணவன், தன் டீச்சருக்கு போன் செய்கிறான்.

மாணவன் (குரலை மாற்றி): டீச்சர், ராஜூவுக்கு உடம்பு சரியில்லை. அதனால் இன்னக்கு ஸ்கூலுக்கு வரமாட்டான்.

டீச்சர்: சரிங்க. நீங்க யார் பேசறது??

மாணவன்: எங்க அப்பா

டீச்சர்: ??!!!

பள்ளியில் ஓவியப் போட்டி.. சின்னாவின் தாளில் எந்தப் படமும் வரையப்படவில்லை...

ஆசிரியர் ; என்னடா இது..?

சின்னா ; ஆடு புல் தின்னும் காட்சி..

ஆசிரியர் ; புல் எங்கே..?

சின்னா ; ஆடு தின்னுடிச்சி சார்..

ஆசிரியர் ; அப்ப ஆடு எங்கே..?

சின்னா ; புல் இல்லாத இடத்திலே ஆட்டுக்கு என்ன வேலை..? கிளம்பிப் போயிடுச்சு சார்..!

டீச்சர்: ஆயிரம் ரூபாய் ஒரு டன். அப்போ மூவாயிரம் ரூபாய் எவ்வளவு??

மாணவன்: டன் டன் டன்

அமெரிக்கன் சொன்னான்.. எங்க நாட்டுல ஒருத்தன் கிட்டேருந்து கிட்னியை எடுத்து இன்னொருத்தனுக்கு வைப்போம்.. அவன் 2 மாசத்துல வேலை செய்ய ஆரம்பிச்சுடுவான்...!

ரஷ்யன் சொன்னான்.. எங்க நாட்டுல ஒருத்தன் கிட்டேயிருந்து பாதி ஈரலை எடுத்து இன்னொருத்தனுக்கு வைப்போம்.. ரெண்டு பேருமே 1 மாசத்திலே வேலை செய்ய ஆரம்பிச்சுடுவாங்க.. தெரியுமா..?

இந்தியன் சொன்னான்.. பூ... இதென்ன பிரமாதம்..? நாங்க ஒண்ணுத்துக்கும் ஆகாத ஒருத்தனை தூக்கி பார்லிமெண்ட்லே வைப்போம்.. உடனே மொத்த இந்தியாவும் அவன் சொல்றபடி வேலை செய்ய ஆரம்பிச்சுடும்..! இதுக்கு என்ன சொல்லுறீங்க..?
From: ajaybaskar on Thu Jun 21 4:10:25 2007.

இந்திய கிரிக்கெட் அணி பயிற்சியாளர் திரு.சேப்பல் : என்னப்பா இன்சாமாம் உங்க பயிற்சியாளர் இறந்து போய்ட்டராம் ...?
இன்சாமாம் : அவர் மானம் , ரோஷம் உள்ளவர் ....
திரு.சேப்பல் : ..... ????

"நல்லா ஓவர் போடுவாரே அவர் இன்னைக்கு ஓவர் போடலியா ? "

"ஓவரா போட்டுட்டு படுத்துட்டராம்...."

"என்ன இந்த அம்பயர் அவுட்ஆனா கூட கையை மேலதூக்க மாட்டேங்குரார் ..." ?
"அக்கத்துல சட்டை கிழிஞ்சிருக்காம், கையத் தூக்க வெட்கமாயிருக்காம்... "

"அதோ போறாரே அவர்தான் எங்க கிரிக்கெட் கோச்... "
"அப்ப முன்னால போறவரு ? "
"அவர் கிரிக்கெட் என்ஜின்... "

நீதிபதி: " எம்ப்பா ! அந்த வீட்டில எல்லாத்தயும் கொள்ளை அடிச்சுட்டு டி.விஐ மட்டும் ஏன் ஓடைச்சுட்டு போன ? "
திருடன் : " பின்ன என்னாங்க எசமான் , இந்தியா தோத்து போனா பார்த்துக்கிட்டு சும்மாவா இருக்க முடியும்... "

மானேஜேர் : "லோகோ எதுவும் சட்டைல போடக்கூடாதுன்னு ரூல்ஸ் இருக்கு தெரியுமா... "
விளையாட்டு வீரர் : " இது லோகோ இல்லை ... ஜூஸ் குடிக்கும் போது சட்டைமேல சிந்திடுச்சு... "

கிப்ப்ஸ் : "நாங்க 6 பந்துலயும் சிக்ஸ் அடிப்போம்...
பௌச்சர் : "நாங்க 9 பந்துல ஐம்பது ரன் எடுப்போம்...
கங்குலி : "நாங்க ஒரு பந்துக்கே இன்னும் ஒரே நாள்ல ஊருக்கு போகலாம்ன்ணு இருக்கோம்... "

ஒரு தம்பதியரின் விவாக ரத்து வழக்கு நீதிமன்றத்தில் நடந்து கொண்டிருந்தது. அவ்ர்களுக்கு ஒரே ஒரு சிறு பெண். அவள் யாரிடம் வளர்வதென்ற பூசலுக்கு தீர்வு காண நீதியரசர் கேட்டார்..

ஏனம்மா உன் தந்தையாருடன் வசிக்க விரும்புகிறாயா..?

இல்லை அய்யா.. அப்பா அடிப்பார்..

பின் உன் அம்மாவிடம் இருக்கிறாயா..?

மாட்டேன்.. அவளும் அடிப்பாள்..

பின் யாருடன் இருக்க விரும்புகிறாய்..?

இந்திய கிரிக்கெட் அணியினருடன்.. அவர்கள்தான் "அடிக்கவே" மாட்டார்கள்..!
____________________________________________________

உலகக் கோப்பை போட்டிகளில் பெற்ற பரிதாப தோல்வியின் காரணமாக அணித் தலைவர் திராவிட் வெளியே தலை காட்டவே அஞ்சினார். என்றாலும் உடல்நிலை சரியில்லாததால் மருத்துவரைக் காணச் சென்றார். போகும்போது சர்தார்ஜியைப் போல மாறு வேடத்தில் சென்றார். என்றாலும் பக்கத்தில் அமர்ந்திருந்த நோயாளிப் பெண்ணொருத்தி " ஹே திராவிட் ..! " என்று அழைக்கவே தெறித்து ஓடி வந்துவிட்டார்.

மற்றொருநாள் மார்க்கெட்டுக்கு சமையல்காரன் வேடத்தில் போகும்போதும், சினிமாவுக்கு வெள்ளைக்காரன் வேடத்தில் போகும்போதும் இதே கதை.

பொறுக்கமுடியாமல் திராவிட் அந்தப் பெண்ணைக் கேட்டார்..

ஏனம்மா.. நானே வெட்கி வேறு வேடங்களில் வருகிறேன்.. நீ சரியாக கண்டுகொள்கிறாயே.. யார் நீ..?"

திராவிட்.. என்னைத் தெரியவில்லையா..? நாந்தான் சச்சின்..!

எனது அருமை இந்தியர்களே ,
ஒரு மகிழ்ச்சியான செய்தி... கடைசியாக கிரிக்கெட் உலக கோப்பையில் நாம் வென்று விட்டோம்...
(இந்தியா Vs மே.இந்தியா)
இந்தியா 43 ரன் வித்தியாசாத்தில் வெற்றி பெற்றது...
இந்த தகவளை நமக்காகாக தெரிவித்தவர் : திரு. கபில் தேவ் ...
தெரிவித்த தேதி/நேரம் : 25-06-1983. / 05:17:33 PM .
தகவல் தாமதத்திற்க்கு வருந்து கிறோம் ...
இப்படிக்கு,
தகவல் தொலை தொடர்பு துறை...

இன்சாமாம்: "என்ன பங்காளி! சொன்ன மாதிரியே வீட்டுக்கு கெளம்பிட்டீங்க..."
திராவித்: "துளசி வாசம் மாறினாலும் இந்த திராவித் வாக்கு மாறாது பங்காளி..."

From: littlemaster1982 on Thu Jun 21 16:03:52 2007.

madhu wrote:

arshu..

what happ to that interview post ?

it should go upto the selection ! isnt it ?

some years back we used this one to annoy our friends who got selected for wipro, TCS etc. t

Wibha wrote:

anna i no only upto this part Rolling Eyes

i never knew that it went upto selection Confused

Shakthiprabha wrote:

Wibha,

Even I felt that the post is not complete Confused

Complete Joke is here

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Kondesh Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it. What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly in 12th. I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I cannot invest so much of money". (The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate : Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know , these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments..It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.

Interviewer : Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no.. I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative ..

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: He he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer : Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate : Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers', 'hotfixes', 'SEI-CMM', 'quality', 'versioncontrol', 'deadlines', 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe . But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in 2007,I don't mind going there in that period . As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: He he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before.

We look forward to working with you .. welcome to Infosys

From: Wibha on Thu Jun 21 16:12:47 2007.

ajay anna can you post them in english?

LM
From: NOV on Sat Jun 23 0:05:05 2007.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink,
as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she

started drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I heard she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.. .
From: crazy on Sat Jun 23 2:52:22 2007.

ajay anna :erumbu joke

head master and amma

NOV
From: thamiz on Mon Jun 25 18:04:34 2007.

http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/archive/dilbert-20070617.html
From: Querida on Mon Jun 25 19:02:09 2007.

@ Dilbert...i hate to say it but i say that alot...to the sibs anyways...and i hear the same thing back...even if i don't whistle...

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."
From: NOV on Mon Jun 25 20:50:02 2007.

At Thiruvannaamalai Senthil was praying before Lord Siva.

Senthil: pillayarappa, ellOrayum kaappaththu.

Gounds: ulle irukkura deivam yaarunu theryumaa?

Senthil: theriyumE. pillayaarappa.

Gounds: mokka thalaiyaa! ullE irukkuradhu sivan. sivan kOyilla vandhu pillaiyaara koopiduriyE?

Senthil: adhaan annE. sivan yaaru? pillaiyaarukku appaa illaiyaa? adhaan pillaiyaarappaa!

From: madhu on Mon Jun 25 21:00:16 2007.

NOV wrote:

At Thiruvannaamalai Senthil was praying before Lord Siva.

Senthil: pillayarappa, ellOrayum kaappaththu.

Gounds: ulle irukkura deivam yaarunu theryumaa?

Senthil: theriyumE. pillayaarappa.

Gounds: mokka thalaiyaa! ullE irukkuradhu sivan. sivan kOyilla vandhu pillaiyaara koopiduriyE?

Senthil: adhaan annE. sivan yaaru? pillaiyaarukku appaa illaiyaa? adhaan pillaiyaarappaa!

idhai kEttadhum indha joke ninaivukku varudhu..

paiyan : piLLaiyar mAmA.. enakku aruL seyyunga..

gurukkaL : ambi.. piLLaiyArai edhukku mAmA-nnu solRE..

paiyan : pakkathu veetu poNNu piLLaiyAr appA-nu solli kumbiduRA illa.. adhuthAn.. avar enakku mAmA aayittAr

From: NOV on Tue Jun 26 10:53:19 2007.

Before and After marriage
A cool one....

BEFORE MARRIAGE

.......

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She : Do you want me to leave?

He : NO! Don't even think about it.

She : Do you love me?

He : Of course, what do you think!

She : Have you ever cheated on me?

He : NO! Why are you even asking?

She : Will you kiss me?

He : Yes, with pleasure!

She : Will you hit me?

He : No way! I'm not such kind of person!

She : Can I trust you?

.......

AFTER MARRIAGE
Read from bottom up.
From: littlemaster1982 on Tue Jun 26 12:43:16 2007.

, NOV
From: aanaa on Tue Jun 26 13:54:00 2007.

Nov

keep up
From: NOV on Wed Jun 27 22:27:19 2007.
From: NOV on Wed Jun 27 22:31:41 2007.

Fathers then & now

Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"

In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.

In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.

In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."

In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.

In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.

In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.

In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."

In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"

In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.

In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
In 2007, fathers are never truly appreciated.
From: Querida on Thu Jun 28 1:32:27 2007.

"Mother's Dictionary"

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
From: Querida on Thu Jun 28 1:35:25 2007.

"Things Moms Never Seem to Say"

Things Mom Would Never Say

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
From: Yathu on Fri Jun 29 7:35:56 2007.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
From: madhu on Mon Jul 9 21:20:56 2007.

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
**********

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
**********

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
**********

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "Billionaire"
**********

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
**********

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour.
From: NOV on Wed Jul 18 2:15:35 2007.

The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
From: NOV on Wed Jul 18 2:18:00 2007.

Now the updated version for the new woman.
Read the above post first, if you havent.

1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!

5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.

7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.

10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.
From: NOV on Wed Jul 18 2:23:14 2007.

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Bush on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whisky and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."
From: NOV on Wed Jul 18 2:25:29 2007.

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
From: NOV on Wed Jul 18 2:45:14 2007.

WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN

"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

==============================

"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

==============================

"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

==============================

I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

==============================

"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

==============================

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

==============================

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

==============================

"Good idea."
Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

==============================

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

==============================
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

==============================

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."

==============================

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

==============================

"I got a lot done."
Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

==============================

"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

==============================

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

==============================

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

==============================

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

==============================

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"

==============================

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."

==============================

"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."

==============================

"It's a really good movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

==============================

"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

==============================

"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

==============================

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

==============================

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

==============================

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

==============================

"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

==============================

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

==============================

"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

==============================

"What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"

==============================

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

==============================

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."

==============================

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

==============================

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."

==============================

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

==============================

"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

==============================

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

==============================

"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

==============================

"I brought you a present."
Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

==============================

"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

==============================

"We share the housework."
Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

==============================

"It's good beer."
Really means....
"It was on sale."

==============================

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

==============================

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

==============================

"I broke up with her."
Really means....
"She dumped me."
From: sgokulprathap on Wed Jul 18 3:20:36 2007.

Santa Singh is called for an interview in some firm. He lands there on time. He is immediately hauled inside in front of the interviewing officer. Officer looks at Santa singh Then goes thru his certificates and then starts asking him questions.

Following is the transcript :

O : Mr. Santa Singh, after seeing your qualifications & credentials, I would like to ask you only some simple questions. If you can answer those then you are selected. First we will start with some opposites

Sardar : Yes Sir.

Officer started asking questions

O : Above
S : Below

O : Front
S : Back

O : Left
S : Right

O : Male
S : Female

O : Ugly (means Next in Punjabi)
S : Pichhly (means Previous in Punjabi)

O : Ugly...U-G-L-Y (Officer spells it)
S : Pichhly...P-I-C-H-H-L-Y (Our sardar also spells it)

O : U.....G.....L ...... Y.....(Officer shouts)
S : P ..... I ..... C ..... H ....... H ...... L ..... Y......(Our sardar also shouts)

#Officer is now angry.

O : Get out
S : Come in.

O : Quiet please.
S : Talk please.

O : You are rejected.
S : I am selected.

and This is how Santa Singh got his job.
From: sgokulprathap on Wed Jul 18 3:39:36 2007.

IT RAMAYANA

PART-I

LAN, LAN ago, in the land of I/O-dhya, there ruled a king named DOS-rat. Three queens had he - CONSOLE-ya, CHECKSUM-itra and CIE/CAE (Kaikeyi). However, he had no line drivers - i.e. no one to perpetuate his line. In sheer desperation, he performed a great sacrifice after which his queens gave birth to four sons - RAM, LSIman, BUG-rat and SED-rughana.

RAM was a microchip off the old block - he had an excellent memory, he logged in quickly and semi-conducted himself in a manner fit for a king. His brothers, however, were only perpheralI ICs; everytime RAM addressed them, they said, "I-C". Once when RAM was only sixteen years old, the great sage Vish-WAN-mitra sought his help to fight some DAEMONs who persistently RAIDed his hermitage. After a brief collision, RAM routed them so easily that he came to be called DAEMON ROUTER.

RAM then proceeded to Media, where he married Pricess C+ta. C+ta's sisters, who were not her blood sisters and hence called TRAN-sisters, married RAM's ICs. This ceremony came to be known as TTL.

On the way back to I/O-dhya, the entourage met Parasu-ROM (or P-ROM as he was better known), the scourge of the kshatriyas. Taking up the P-ROM challenge, RAM aimed an arrow at him; he threatened to take away P-ROM's powers of locomotion, thereby converting him to Static RAM.

P-ROM humbly withdrew and the procession reached I/O-dhya. Twelve years passed and DOS-rat decided to crown RAM as his successor. However, CIE/CAE, at the instigation of her BIOSed maid MANtharai(a real plotter), insisted that her son Bug-rat be crowned king and that RAM be banished to the FOR(;;)est for fourteen years. At this cruel and unexpected demAND, a surge passed thru DOS-rat and heCRASHED, power-less.

RAM agreed to go to FOR(;;)est and C+ta insisted to go with him. She said that at the time of her marriage, her father had advised her to follow the footsteps of her husband like a shadow, hence, she came to be called SHADOW-RAM. LSI-man was also resolved on accompanying his brother as a SLAVE LSI. Unable to bear separation,

DOS-rat died, setting the precedent that nosystemcould function in the absence of RAM. The forest was the dwelling of SPARC-nakha, the sister of RAW-van, King of LAN-ka. Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that he marry her. RAM routed her to LSI-man, who also politely declined. Perceiving C+ta to be the source code of her distress, she hastened to kill her. At this stage LSI-man executed the Memory resident code and converted SPARC-naak to SPARC-no-naak. He TRUNCATED her nose.

Weeping, SPARC-no-naak fled to LAN-ka, where RAW-van, moved by sisters plight, approached his uncle MAR-icha. Ignoring MAR-icha's compilation warnings not to RISC SPARC-ing a war with RAM, he insisted on going ahead.Accordingly, MAR-icha transformed himself into the form of golden sTAG and drew RAM deep into the forest. Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer, who, with his last breath, cried out desperately for LSI-man in RAM's voice. Fooled by this Virtual RAM cry, C+ta urged LSI-man to his brothers aid. Catching the opportunity, RAW-van delinked C+ta from her library and changed her root directory to LAN-ka by BROADCASTING her over sky.

PART-II

RAM and LSI-man started FINDing for the missing i-node, c+ta allover the forest. They made friendship with the forest admin SU-greev and his powerful co-processor ha-NEUMAN. ha-NEUMAN was a legendary figure. He had a swollen cheek ARCHITECTURE. He was a child prodigy andcame up with newer methedologies and techniques which inspired many others.In particular his RAM mantra technique became extremely popular for generations. SU-greev agreed to help RAM but first wanted help from RAM todeletehisown root node VAALI.( valli?) SU-greev's intention was obvious. He wanted to be the only admin around & wanted to grab all the consulting jobs in the forest.

RAM fought with VALLI and surprised him using some un-documented features.VALLI cried foul and started complaining to the justice department saying that it was not a fair fight.RAM then convinced everyone using his trademark MICRO SOFT WORDs coupled with a few FREE vedic goodies.Though some of the onlookers such as ORACLE (seer)and pancha bhutas such as SUN, disagreed with RAM's micro soft touch,they all shut their
mouths fearing RAM's reach among the user community. SU-greev was happy with the outcome and ordered his programmers to use powerful 'search' techniques to find the missing c+ta. His programmers searched all around the INTER-NETworked forests. Some of them shouted 'YAA-HOO' but ended up with 'not found' messages. Several other searchtechniques proved useless.

ha-NEUMAN using a radically different paradigm devised a RISKy technology and used it to cross the seas at astonishing clock speeds. On the way he bumped with a few satellite signals but was able to avoid deflections due to his own high strength. As soon as ha-NEUMAN reached LAN-ka, he had to collidewithits firewall called LAN-ki. The firewall made disperate attempts to stop ha-NEUMAN entering into its internal web, but the great ha-NEUMANdetectedaloop hole in LAN-ki's firewall. Using micro code, he broke the security and entered LAN-ka.

After doing some local search, ha-NEUMAN found C+ta weeping under the weight of a TREE structure. ha-NEUMAN used a unique key-id (ring) to identify himself to C+ta. After decrypting the key, C+ta believed in him and asked him to send a STATUS_OK message to RAM through RING topology.
Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS around C+ta tied ha-NEUMANand tried to terminatehim using pyro-techniques. But ha-NEUMAN managed to spread chaos among the raakshasas by SPAMMING the fire using some side effects.

Several raakshasa programmers were later called to restorethe operational stability in LAN-ka. ha-NEUMAN happily escaped LAN-ka again and conveyed all the STATUS messages to RAM and SU-greev. RAM felt happy with ha-NEUMAN's methedology of execution and embarked on a project code named
EXPLORER to delete the netESCAPING RAW-wan. He even created a bridge and GATEWAY to acess LAN-ka network. In the mean time, signs were apparent in LAN-ka about the imminent danger from RAM's project EXPLORER, but RAW-wan refused to budge. Sensing disaster, his ownsub-programcalled vibhee-SHUN,executeda 'GO TO'statement and branched out to RAM's camp. RAW-wan still insisted on taking the all powerful RAM head-on. He decided to use the boons given to him by SUN, sHIVa etc.and prepared for the battle on a remote island on LAN-ka
called JAVA. He thought that his presence in JAVA will give him victory over RAM. RAM and his entourage made small and buggy progress in the begining but the world community on the whole started watching them with awe. In the battle on JAVA island, it appeared initially that RAM had no chance.

In fact one of the RAW-wan's SUN indrajIT(son) lmost killed RAM & LSI-man with a powerful brahma-astra called JAVA-BEAN. It appeared for a while that the world has seen the end of RAM's MICRO SOFT touch. But ha-NEUMAN resorted to some ACTIVE-Xgradients from HILL GATES and concocted a potion using some herbs. His powerful HERBAL-COMPUTER aided him in making this potion which restarted RAM and LSI-man. Appearing, reluctant RAM used the source code secrets of RAW-wan given by vibhee-SHUN and once and for all wiped out RAW-wan's presense on the earth. Before that he even SCHEDULED RAW-wan to come nextday when all his resources were locked up bu RAM's virus weapons. He proved again that even the so called invincible RAW-wan cannot be netESCAPED from his power.

After the battle, RAM spreaded his MICRO SOFT WORKS and other user friendly programs to all users across the world and every one lived happily thereafter.

END OF DIGITAL RAMAYANA
From: sudha india on Wed Jul 18 5:36:50 2007.

Parents of a boy to an engineering college watchman :
IS this college good ?

Watchman : the best. I did my engineering here and was immediately placed here
From: sgokulprathap on Mon Jul 23 2:57:04 2007.

Bush asks God: When will Iran be mine?
God: Not in your life time.
Bush cries.

Musharaf asks God: When will Kashmir be in Pakistan?
God: Not in your life time.
Musharaf cries.

And I asked God: When will this reader get brain?
God: Not in my life time.
God cries.
From: smith1 on Fri Jul 27 7:23:51 2007.

A young man opened a saloon. His first customer was a florist.

After the haircut, when the florist gave him the money, the hair stylist refused to accept saying that he was doing it as a hobby & that he was very well off & did not need the money.

The next day, on opening the shop, he got a package. It was a gift from the florist thanking him.

On that day, his customer was a police officer. The same incident occurred.

On opening his shop on the 3rd day, he found a gift delivered by the p[olice officer thanking him.

On that day, his customer was a software engineer. The same incident occurred.

When he went to open the shop on the 4th day, he found 12 software engineers waiting for a haircut.
From: Meera-ssg on Fri Jul 27 12:50:40 2007.

IT RAMAYANA rocks
From: P_R on Fri Jul 27 12:52:09 2007.

smith1 wrote:

When he went to open the shop on the 4th day, he found 12 software engineers waiting for a haircut.
From: Braandan on Mon Jul 30 6:07:21 2007.

Spelling Information
"Hello, Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
From: smith1 on Mon Jul 30 8:34:27 2007.

Jesus & satan had a tiff over who is better at computers. They went to God.

God conducted a test. They were given two hours time.

They could do whatever they want in that time. Both Satan & jesus worked in word, excel sheets, charts, graphs, power point presentations etc.,

Suddenly the power went off. Satan started raving & ranting.

When power resumed, Jesus started taking printouts. Satan complained to God that Jesus had cheated.

To this God replied " JESUS SAVES".
From: Madh@va on Mon Jul 30 23:12:05 2007.

[tscii]Two Southern ladies, Maribelle and AnneMarie, were sitting on the porch drinking mint juleps. They have the following conversation, best imagined with an upscale Southern drawl:

Maribelle: AnneMarie, do you see this huge diamond ring?
AnneMarie: Yes.

Maribelle: My husband bought this for me.
AnneMarie: Isn�t that special.

Maribelle: Do you see that Jaguar in the parking lot?
AnneMarie: Yes.

Maribelle: My husband bought that for me.
AnneMarie: Isn�t that special.

Maribelle: And you know that mansion I live in?
AnneMarie: Yes.

Maribelle: My husband bought that for me.
AnneMarie: Isn�t that special.

Maribelle: What did your husband buy for you, AnneMarie?
AnneMarie: My husband sent me to finishing school. That�s where I learned to say, �Isn�t that special� instead of �f*** y**.�
From: NOV on Tue Jul 31 4:16:03 2007.

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
From: NOV on Tue Jul 31 4:17:24 2007.

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think they mean the telephone point on the wall".
From: NOV on Tue Jul 31 4:23:28 2007.

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling inAustralia ?"

Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
From: NOV on Tue Jul 31 4:24:50 2007.

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
From: NOV on Tue Jul 31 4:27:51 2007.

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
From: Madh@va on Tue Jul 31 4:29:23 2007.

NOV, ithu yellam ungal sontha anubavamo?
From: NOV on Tue Jul 31 4:29:58 2007.

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
From: NOV on Tue Jul 31 4:31:41 2007.

Madh@va wrote:

NOV, ithu yellam ungal sontha anubavamo?

illa, copy paste thaan. they are good, no?
From: NOV on Tue Jul 31 4:34:51 2007.

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
From: Madh@va on Tue Jul 31 4:37:11 2007.

Hilarious, not good!

From: Shakthiprabha. on Tue Jul 31 5:08:25 2007.

Braandan wrote:

Spelling Information
"Hello, Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

From: Shakthiprabha. on Tue Jul 31 5:11:48 2007.

Madh@va wrote:

[tscii]Two Southern ladies, Maribelle and AnneMarie, were sitting on the porch drinking mint juleps. They have the following conversation, best imagined with an upscale Southern drawl:

Maribelle: AnneMarie, do you see this huge diamond ring?
AnneMarie: Yes.

Maribelle: My husband bought this for me.
AnneMarie: Isn�t that special.

Maribelle: Do you see that Jaguar in the parking lot?
AnneMarie: Yes.

Maribelle: My husband bought that for me.
AnneMarie: Isn�t that special.

Maribelle: And you know that mansion I live in?
AnneMarie: Yes.

Maribelle: My husband bought that for me.
AnneMarie: Isn�t that special.

Maribelle: What did your husband buy for you, AnneMarie?
AnneMarie: My husband sent me to finishing school. That�s where I learned to say, �Isn�t that special� instead of �f*** y**.�

awww!

From: Shakthiprabha. on Tue Jul 31 5:12:47 2007.

NOV wrote:

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling inAustralia ?"

Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
From: Shakthiprabha. on Tue Jul 31 5:13:47 2007.

nov,

tech support are old ones, yet good
From: sgokulprathap on Tue Jul 31 5:46:05 2007.

SP
nice way to increase ur post count. Replyin to each n evry post.
From: Madh@va on Wed Aug 1 5:53:57 2007.

Hi SP, how r u doing?
From: Nerd on Wed Aug 1 12:31:12 2007.

NOV wrote:

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

<<Dig>>
You can actually do that with the new MAC OS (Leopard is the name). It has a time machine which will allow you to travel back in time and see how your folders were on that particular day. And you can retrieve the deleted files as well

From: Braandan on Thu Aug 2 3:55:18 2007.

Nerd wrote:

NOV wrote:

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

<<Dig>>
You can actually do that with the new MAC OS (Leopard is the name). It has a time machine which will allow you to travel back in time and see how your folders were on that particular day. And you can retrieve the deleted files as well Razz

On a particular day or particular time?. This means the OS backs up the disk daily into another disk. That means you can go back only to the status at the time of backup right? Still it would need a lot of RAIDs right? Just think of going back one month? I don't think this is practically feasible. Please explain the logic of backup used..

From: Braandan on Sun Aug 5 5:25:14 2007.

Lottery Winner
--------------
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
From: crazy on Sun Aug 5 6:50:01 2007.

From: madhu on Sun Aug 5 7:36:19 2007.

Braandan wrote:

Lottery Winner
--------------
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

From: dev on Sun Aug 5 8:52:27 2007.

Braandan wrote:

From: NOV on Sun Aug 5 9:21:59 2007.

original joke has the man winning the lottery ... Rolling Eyes

the one who changed the story forgot to change the "honey" which is used by men. Poke

Quote:

A man runs home yelling to his wife: Pack your bags honey, I just won the $10 million lottery!
Wife:Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?
The husband replies: Who cares, just pack and get lost!

From: Madh@va on Sun Aug 5 22:59:18 2007.

NOV wrote:

original joke has the man winning the lottery ...
the one who changed the story forgot to change the "honey" which is used by men.

NOV, neenga innum maraveyillai!!
From: NOV on Mon Aug 6 3:00:44 2007.

Madh@va wrote:

NOV, neenga innum maraveyillai!!
no! naan eppavum NOV thaan.
but neenga?
From: NOV on Mon Aug 6 3:01:21 2007.

Be specific in what you are asking

Quote:

A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.

Know what you are talking

Quote:

What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says "YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends."

Something is better than nothing BUT In this case ? ? ?

Quote:

If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life. If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.
From: NOV on Mon Aug 6 3:03:11 2007.

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
Opened by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary.. $10.00
Fried Explorer.... ..... $15.00
Baked Politician.. .... $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,

'Why such a price difference for the politician?'
The cook replied,

'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're full of ****!'
From: Madh@va on Mon Aug 6 3:41:10 2007.

NOV wrote:

Madh@va wrote:

NOV, neenga innum maraveyillai!!
no! naan eppavum NOV thaan.
but neenga?

From: Shakthiprabha. on Mon Aug 6 4:41:37 2007.

dev wrote:

Braandan wrote:

Where is the joke?
what is the joke?
why is that everybody understood and I did not

From: sgokulprathap on Mon Aug 6 4:48:38 2007.

SP
From: Shakthiprabha. on Mon Aug 6 4:49:33 2007.

WHY DONT U EXPLAIN ME and th en laugh
From: sgokulprathap on Mon Aug 6 5:30:32 2007.

Shakthiprabha wrote:

WHY DONT U EXPLAIN ME and th en laugh
andha jokeka vida unga nelama comedy ya irukku.
vayiru romba valikudhu.
From: rami on Mon Aug 6 6:18:04 2007.

Shakthiprabha wrote:

WHY DONT U EXPLAIN ME and th en laugh

Read the last line as told by a frustated Wife.. U'll get it
From: sgokulprathap on Mon Aug 6 6:20:08 2007.

rami wrote:

Shakthiprabha wrote:

WHY DONT U EXPLAIN ME and th en laugh

Read the last line as told by a frustated Wife.. U'll get it
I bet. Stil she wudnt hav understud.
From: rami on Mon Aug 6 6:20:11 2007.

Legal but not Logical,
Logical but Illegal ,
Illegal and Illogical

A Student secures lower grades in the externals, after looking at the mark sheet he asks professor.

Student : "Can you answer any question ? " .

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

From: rami on Mon Aug 6 6:20:38 2007.

sgokulprathap wrote:

rami wrote:

Shakthiprabha wrote:

WHY DONT U EXPLAIN ME and th en laugh Cry2

Read the last line as told by a frustated Wife.. U'll get it

I bet. Stil she wudnt hav understud. Laughing

From: Shakthiprabha. on Mon Aug 6 7:11:03 2007.

ohhhhhhhhhhh ok

I dont find it funny anyway `
From: rami on Mon Aug 6 7:12:57 2007.

The joke was OK .. But the way u were confused made it look funny !!
From: sgokulprathap on Mon Aug 6 7:21:42 2007.

rami wrote:

The joke was OK .. But the way u were confused made it look funny !!

sp
From: rami on Mon Aug 6 7:25:06 2007.

sgokulprathap wrote:

rami wrote:

The joke was OK .. But the way u were confused made it look funny !!

sp

Ithukku per thaan adding oil to Fire .. :
From: Madh@va on Tue Aug 7 1:44:59 2007.

After a month-long holiday in the US, my wife and I finally boarded
the plane in San Francisco last Sunday heading home.

As the plane reached cruising speed with the seat belt sign switched off, a 6 ft 3" black man with the build of Mike Tyson in the front row got up from his seat, turned to face the back, raised his arm and yelled, "HIJACK!"

Everyone was frozen to the seat, expecting the worst to happen.

And two stewards were about to jump onto this guy to overpower him when another voice answered from the back of the plane: "HI JOHN!"

The moral of the story is:
If you have a friend named Jack, for heaven's sake don't ever call him in the plane. Otherwise you may land yourself in deep ****.

From: dev on Tue Aug 7 2:11:41 2007.

Madh@va wrote:

After a month-long holiday in the US, my wife and I finally boarded
the plane in San Francisco last Sunday heading home.

As the plane reached cruising speed with the seat belt sign switched off, a 6 ft 3" black man with the build of Mike Tyson in the front row got up from his seat, turned to face the back, raised his arm and yelled, "HIJACK!"

Everyone was frozen to the seat, expecting the worst to happen.

And two stewards were about to jump onto this guy to overpower him when another voice answered from the back of the plane: "HI JOHN!"

The moral of the story is:
If you have a friend named Jack, for heaven's sake don't ever call him in the plane. Otherwise you may land yourself in deep ****.

From: crazy on Tue Aug 7 5:17:46 2007.
From: Shakthiprabha. on Tue Aug 7 11:10:49 2007.

nice one ar
From: Madh@va on Tue Aug 7 22:41:01 2007.
From: NOV on Tue Aug 7 23:37:54 2007.

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG"!!
The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "B-----!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.
From: NOV on Tue Aug 7 23:38:32 2007.

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.
From: NOV on Tue Aug 7 23:39:37 2007.

[tscii]Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princesses lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly saut�ed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.
From: NOV on Tue Aug 7 23:41:28 2007.

Do you love me?

Of course

Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear.

sarkkarai pongal
From: NOV on Tue Aug 7 23:42:37 2007.

I'm not rich like Raja, don't have a mansion like Kanna or have a Porsche like Siva but I do love you and want to marry you.

I love you too, but what was that you said about Kanna!
From: NOV on Tue Aug 7 23:44:25 2007.

I can't leave you.

Do you love me that much?

It's not that, your standing on my foot!
From: NOV on Tue Aug 7 23:45:30 2007.

I wish you were a TV serial star

Would you love me if I were a TV serial star?

No, but I could switch you off!
From: mgb on Wed Aug 8 0:34:21 2007.

Will you give me a ring for your marriage ?

Sure.. what is your number ?
From: dev on Wed Aug 8 2:05:43 2007.

mgb wrote:

Will you give me a ring for your marriage ?

Sure.. what is your number ?
From: Madh@va on Wed Aug 8 2:30:04 2007.

NOV wrote:

That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly saut�ed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.
From: crazy on Wed Aug 8 2:34:54 2007.
From: dev on Wed Aug 8 3:06:51 2007.

"Give me an answer"

A three-year-old boy walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"
From: crazy on Wed Aug 8 3:08:52 2007.
From: Braandan on Thu Aug 9 2:28:19 2007.

dev wrote:

mgb wrote:

Will you give me a ring for your marriage ?

Sure.. what is your number ?

ithu romba pazhaya joke aache, dev
From: dev on Thu Aug 9 8:13:38 2007.

Braandan wrote:

dev wrote:

mgb wrote:

Will you give me a ring for your marriage ?

Sure.. what is your number ?

ithu romba pazhaya joke aache, dev

I guess old or new doesn't matter for a joke...
From: rocketboy on Thu Aug 9 11:51:52 2007.

Hypothetical situation where 20 executives board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft.

Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed.Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies: "If it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."

This is called Confidence in your own product

From: app_engine on Thu Aug 9 13:30:56 2007.

NOV wrote:

original joke has the man winning the lottery ... Rolling Eyes

the one who changed the story forgot to change the "honey" which is used by men. Poke

Quote:

A man runs home yelling to his wife: Pack your bags honey, I just won the $10 million lottery!
Wife:Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?
The husband replies: Who cares, just pack and get lost!

NOV, it's not unusual to see women calling men "honey" in the Detroit area:-)

From: Shakthiprabha. on Fri Aug 10 8:13:41 2007.

NOV wrote:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG"!!
The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "B-----!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.

serves him right

From: Shakthiprabha. on Fri Aug 10 8:18:36 2007.

NOV wrote:

Do you love me?

Of course

Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear.

sarkkarai pongal

From: Shakthiprabha. on Fri Aug 10 8:19:49 2007.

rocketboy wrote:

Hypothetical situation where 20 executives board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft.

Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed.Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies: "If it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."

This is called Confidence in your own product

good one

From: swathy on Mon Aug 13 1:49:51 2007.

http://thatstamil.oneindia.in/specials/cinema/specials/vijay_070812.html
From: crazy on Mon Aug 13 1:53:10 2007.

swathy wrote:

http://thatstamil.oneindia.in/specials/cinema/specials/vijay_070812.html

enakkum.....doctor pattam venum

From: Lambretta on Wed Aug 15 14:27:09 2007.

dev wrote:

Braandan wrote:

dev wrote:

mgb wrote:

Will you give me a ring for your marriage ?

Sure.. what is your number ?

ithu romba pazhaya joke aache, dev

I guess old or new doesn't matter for a joke... Smile

Seri appidina ehtavathu 70s kaalathi jokes-a yaaravathu post pannunga....!

From: app_engine on Wed Aug 15 21:07:00 2007.

==========================
Hay mother!
Hay mother! Is it right that heart of youngster flew with wings?

Hay mother! Is it that the one wave which was hit the hearts?

It's like 1 crore happiness that which is relating with soul
Somebody is the cause for this man who became as a cloud.

Hay mother...

Won't the clouds dance with a control which are going up?
Won't the waves put tune by watching you?

I didn't be like this I didn't loose my mind
It was not happen now and then nose had not sweat

Have you seen the knife fight in the eyes of a young girl?
Have you seen the butterfly in the palpitating heart?

Have you heard the music?

.....

More and more happiness in the heart that is thursty
Hey girl! Tell me the truth that what are you going to do to me?

Why one word comes and goes from the end of the mouth?
What will be done if a leafless tree wants to give flowers?

I'm like a bull became a calf
I lost my sleep because of the touching of the wind

Tell me golden deer...

Hay mother...

=============

What's the joke in this you may ask...please visit this thread:
http://tfmpage.mayyam.com/hub/viewtopic.php?t=10234&start=15
From: Madh@va on Thu Aug 16 3:24:23 2007.

A man hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of it , he drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there.

The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away, but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him.

Atlast he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man called his wife at home and asked her "Jen, is the cat there?". "Yes, why do u ask," answered the wife .

Frustrated the man replied, "put the cat on the phone I am lost and require the directions."
From: Shakthiprabha. on Thu Aug 16 10:34:30 2007.

ar

THAT IS REALLY A VERY VERY GOOD ONE
From: crazy on Thu Aug 16 14:06:11 2007.

Madh@va wrote:

Frustrated the man replied, "put the cat on the phone I am lost and require the directions."
From: app_engine on Thu Aug 16 21:57:15 2007.

Sometime back this joke came as a "serious" one page story in Kumudam...wherein a child will be asked to get rid of the annoying cat...you can guess what will happen in the story...

From: dev on Thu Aug 16 22:40:52 2007.

Lambretta wrote:

dev wrote:

Braandan wrote:

dev wrote:

mgb wrote:

Will you give me a ring for your marriage ?

Sure.. what is your number ?

ithu romba pazhaya joke aache, dev

I guess old or new doesn't matter for a joke... Smile

Seri appidina ehtavathu 70s kaalathi jokes-a yaaravathu post pannunga....! Wink

Not a problem... as long as it makes me smile/laugh...

From: Shakthiprabha. on Fri Aug 17 12:12:10 2007.

Mr.x's are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the
other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says
YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO...
*************************************

Sardar shouting 2 his girl friend " u said v will do register marriage
and cheated me, I was waiting 4 u yesterday whole day in the post
office....
*************************************

A Tamilian call up sardar and asks " tamil therima??"
Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"
*************************************
2 sardarji's looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sardar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sardar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....
*************************************

Amitabh : In which state Cauvery flows?
Sardar : liquid state.....
Audience clapped.. Amitabh stunned, looks behind, ALL WERE SARDAR'S.......
From: Shakthiprabha. on Fri Aug 17 12:13:35 2007.

Boy : Suit bada acha pehna hai

Girl:Thanx

Boy:lipstik bahut achi lagai hai

G:Thanx

B:make up bhi bahut acha kia hai

G:Thanx "bhaiya"

B:fir bhi sundar nahi lag ri ho.
From: crazy on Fri Aug 17 13:03:16 2007.

2nd post
From: app_engine on Fri Aug 24 15:31:11 2007.

Did someone post this before? (I recently read in a mag) :

He : I love you
She : I love you too
He : Will you marry me?
She : No
And they lived happily ever after...
From: crazy on Sat Aug 25 2:47:17 2007.

read somewhere

From: Meera-ssg on Sun Aug 26 1:39:01 2007.

Shakthiprabha wrote:

Boy : Suit bada acha pehna hai

Girl:Thanx

Boy:lipstik bahut achi lagai hai

G:Thanx

B:make up bhi bahut acha kia hai

G:Thanx "bhaiya"

B:fir bhi sundar nahi lag ri ho.

ROTFL

That did produce some giggles. goodone

From: Shakthiprabha. on Sun Aug 26 11:58:29 2007.

Shakthiprabha wrote:

Boy : Suit bada acha pehna hai

Girl:Thanx

Boy:lipstik bahut achi lagai hai

G:Thanx

B:make up bhi bahut acha kia hai

G:Thanx "bhaiya"

B:fir bhi sundar nahi lag ri ho.

ROTFL

oh crazy herez the translation for u

___________

Boy : your suit (salwar) is very nice

Girl:Thanx

Boy: lipstick on u looks good on you

G:Thanx

B:uve done beautiful make up too

G:Thanx "BROTHER"

B: even then u are not pretty.

From: crazy on Sun Aug 26 12:44:03 2007.

thanks akka
From: Madh@va on Mon Aug 27 21:33:22 2007.

Boss: I am giving you job as a driver. Starting salary Rs.2000/-, is it ok?

Sardar: You are great, Sir! Starting salary is ok, but... how much is driving salary...?
------------------------

Sardar's theory:
Moon is more impt than Sun, because it gives light at night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light is not needed.
------------------------

Two Sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sardar 1: Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sardar 2: Aaho, lorry number is also written... BC 1760!!!
------------------------

A Sardar on an interview for the post of detective.

Interviewer: Who killed Gandhi?
Sardar: Thank you Sir for giving me the job, I will start investigating...
------------------------

A Sardar preparing for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the exam the essay title was 'FATHER'.
He replaced friend with father in the essay and it read:
I AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS, SOME OF
MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.
------------------------

Interviewer: What is your qualification?
Sardarji: Sir, I am PhD.

Interviewer: What do you mean by PhD?
Sardarji: (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY....
From: Madh@va on Mon Aug 27 22:51:02 2007.

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little dust broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?

Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER YET!"
From: Madh@va on Tue Aug 28 21:03:31 2007.

Why it's good to be a guy!

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too "icky".

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You can kill your own food.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
From: app_engine on Tue Aug 28 23:03:23 2007.

Madh@va,
Classic:-)
From: Madh@va on Tue Aug 28 23:37:36 2007.
From: Lambretta on Sat Sep 1 15:00:04 2007.

Shakthiprabha wrote:

A Tamilian call up sardar and asks " tamil therima??"
Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"

'have heard a hyderabadi version of this one- Tamilian comes to hyd. asks a Sardar- Charminar therima? Sardar replies 'Golconda (an old fort of Hyd.) tera baap!'
Actually a guy in our class back in school who used to make fun of me once asked me the same qsn....to which I'd innocently replied "Ama theriyum" w/out realising the hidden meaning in the qsn.!
From: NOV on Sun Sep 2 21:35:17 2007.

[tscii]
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one needs to take a leak. While doing so, he is bitten in his private part by a rattlesnake.

�I�ll go into town for a doctor,� the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor there delivering a baby.

�I can�t leave,� the doctor says. �But here�s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.�

The guy runs back to his friend. �What did the doctor say?� the victim cries in agony.

�He says you�re gonna die.�
From: swathy on Thu Sep 6 2:20:07 2007.

[tscii]Server Bole tho!!! J

First year was the most hectic year in my engineering academic life. On one side I was about to leave Physics and Chemistry forever and on other side I was about to join the geek world.

Scene: First year computer practical exam.

Venue: Computer Lab

Time: The worst possible time...Around 12 o�clock.

The last day of my first year exams and the biggest mountain is still not conquered - �Computer Practical�.

The only thing I learned in last one year is to differentiate between a CPU and a monitor. This is the only

true knowledge I have about this subject.

Let me look at the search and sort program again.

Scanf then printf�.Oops�printf then scanf� # include iostream.h�#include conio.h�clrscr()

Oh...God...I wish that share folder still exists� I hope the netsend command still works.

God...Help me� main ()�curly brackets open�.

Oops !! There he is, the most brilliant student of our class XXX , the one who asked

doubt to our Mechanical faculty on the first day itself. A tough question �Sir, is it possible to

store data on WordStar instead of Access �.

Ghosh!!! What�s WordStar?? What�s Access?? I am going to fail.

He looks too cool. Boy�5 more minutes left... C came after B�now we have C++ and VC++�C was discovered/invented (not sure) by Dennis Richie�.

I can hear one of the gal asking xxx �What�s ANSI C ?�

Oops...I don�t know even that...Probably discovered by Ancy� so C was discovered by both Dennis and Ancy� might be husband - wife.

Here comes the lab assistant.

�Guys get in!!!�

So at last the time has come. Utmost one more supplementary. Huh!!! Karthik �you have been through these situations now and then � bravo...Come on!!!!

I entered the lab with shaking hands...legs�entire body...

Oh that�s my system!!!! It�s still vacant�my shared drives�. Ha ha ha ...great

�Hey�take this system�sit according to your roll number� (In came the voice of lab assistant)

What the�*%$ is it�.?

Hey even this system is far from the faculty�s desk. This is great.

�Now !! turn over the sheet of paper on your desk, you have to complete the task in 3 hours. First write down the algorithm and then start doing the program.�

So...This is it� Come on�let�s see what�s in there�.

Write a program to sort N natural numbers in ascending order and then perform search operation.

(PS: Use Bubble sort and binary search).

Nice question the one I have mugged up. Take this Compy � Dompy�

#include iostream.h�#include conio.h..main()�.

Its� over and still plenty of time left. Let me see what others are doing. Oh !! God they all are gone. Was this paper that easy!!

�are you finished with the work?�

�Yes Mam�

�OK !! show me the output�

�Here it is...� ...Ctrl+F9

�Okay..that looks okay..it could have been better�you should add comments where ever possible��bla bla bla..and one more bla�.

Oh !!! she is gone�.hmmm..she will never get satisfied�anyways..It�s over�

I started going towards the door

� where r u going? Come over here. You still have VIVA left.�

Huh !!! Not again !!!

�Please sit �

�Thank you �

�Okay !! Tell me..What is a computer�

�A computer is an electronic device��.tttttrrrrrrrrrrppppppp�..

I am the best..I am the best..I am the best.. Yah I am best

�What r macros?�

�Sorry�

Did she hear me saying I am the best�

�What r libraries�

�Pardon�

�What are command line arguments?�

�Don�t know�

�What are inbuilt functions?�

�Can u please repeat the question��

Are these questions from Computer Science!!!! Huh !!!

�Okay one last question�Show me where is the server in our lab�

Hmmm�.Server is something big�yah it�s very big�.bigger than CPU and monitor�now I have to find where it is�.hmmm�

not that�that�s a switch board�not even that...that�s AC�.hmmmm�which one is the server�..Oopps�that�s her again�

�Hey !!! Stop revolving in your chair and tell me..Which is the server?�

Hey that looks like a server�.

�There it is�.�(pointing hand towards the UPS, but the faculty thought I was pointing towards the system..kept on the table )

�Good�Why didn�t you tell me earlier if you knew that? Actually no one answered it correctly...Good keep it up�

�Thank you mam..thanks a lot��

Yahoooo�..last ball..sixer..yipeeee��.

From then on I never looked back, within hours I became the hero of the class. People started coming to me with their doubts.

I cleared all their doubts. Even that svelte gal came and asked �What�s ANSI C ?�. Till date she thinks Richie and Ancy are husband and wife .
From: crazy on Thu Sep 6 14:07:12 2007.
From: NOV on Thu Sep 6 21:20:54 2007.

Gopi: "How's your history paper coming?"

Rohit: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful.

Gopi: "Really?"

Rohit: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell them!"
From: NOV on Thu Sep 6 21:22:12 2007.

Priya: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

Deva: Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
From: NOV on Thu Sep 6 21:24:06 2007.

Prabhu Ram: Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait?

app_engine: He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say 'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'
From: dev on Thu Sep 6 21:31:47 2007.

NOV wrote:

Priya: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

Deva: Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
From: NOV on Thu Sep 6 21:35:00 2007.

An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the Senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings.

He asked "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?"

The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
"Can you see the river?"

"Yes"

"Can you see the bridge over it?"

"Of course", said the minister.

"10 per cent", said the senator smugly.

Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house, the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc. etc.

"How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in RS?', he asked.

The minister called him to the window.
"See the river over there?"

"Sure", cried the senator.

"Can you see the bridge over it?"

The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said - "No, I don't see any bridge."

"100 percent", said the minister!!
From: NOV on Thu Sep 6 21:39:57 2007.

Wife says:
"When I'm gone you'll never find another woman like me".

Husband replied:
"What makes you think I'd want another woman like you!"
From: NOV on Thu Sep 6 21:42:11 2007.

Crazy: There is a frog, Ship is sinking, potatoes cost Rs 3/kg. Then, what is my age?

Wibha:32 yrs.

Crazy:How do you know?

Wibha:Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
From: dev on Thu Sep 6 22:47:54 2007.

NOV wrote:

Wife says:
"When I'm gone you'll never find another woman like me".

Husband replied:
"What makes you think I'd want another woman like you!"
From: app_engine on Fri Sep 7 9:33:02 2007.

NOV, the senator joke is probably the best one I read...in many, many years! கண்ணில் நீர் வருமளவுக்கு சிரித்தேன்
From: NOV on Fri Sep 7 10:02:50 2007.

app_engine,
From: crazy on Fri Sep 7 12:28:33 2007.

NOV
From: Querida on Fri Sep 7 12:37:39 2007.

omg the last two jokes that NOV-san posted (the bridge and half mad jokes) are the very same two jokes (tamilified at first of course) i heard at recent birthday party! either it's a coincidence or i know a certain writer/actor/comedian reading from the hub....

Quote:

Wife says:
"When I'm gone you'll never find another woman like me".

Husband replied:
"What makes you think I'd want another woman like you!"
From: app_engine on Fri Sep 7 14:52:45 2007.

See the interesting part of certain jokes is bringing a "visual" in our mind (just with the word picture and no cartoon)...the senator one is that kind...and that's why it leaves such a lasting impression.

OTOH, jokes in AV have this great advantage of pictures, without which many of them cannot be enjoyed. For e.g., the following one which appeared many years ago in a "joke special" issue made a lot of people 'vilA nOga' laugh. That is, only with the picture. When I narrated later -on many occasions to many different people, I looked like a clown as it didn't arouse even a smile:-(

Some of you may recall this, which appeared in a whole page of AV (two friends in a beach):

F1 - ஒரு பாட்டுப்பாடேன்
F2 - சினிமா பாட்டா, கர்நாடக சங்கீதமா?
F1 - சினிமாப்பாட்டே பாடேன்
F2 - காதல் பாட்டா, தத்துவமா?
....
...
...
இப்படி பதில் கேள்வி கேட்டுக்கிட்டே இருப்பார்...
F1 (பொறுமை இழந்து) - உன்னைப்பாடக்கேட்டேனே, என் புத்தியை செருப்பால் அடிக்கணும்...
F2 - என் செருப்பாலயா, உன் செருப்பாலயா?
From: Querida on Fri Sep 7 23:23:08 2007.

That really is a good one...i laughed so hard after slowly reading the words that i startled my mom awake....and what better way to say sorry to tired mom than make her laugh with the same joke? Thanks alot App_engine not just for the laughs but for saving me a scolding
From: Wibha on Fri Sep 7 23:38:44 2007.

NOV

crazy

From: Shakthiprabha. on Sat Sep 8 0:26:55 2007.

swathy wrote:

[tscii]Server Bole tho!!! J

First year was the most hectic year in my engineering academic life. On one side I was about to leave Physics and Chemistry forever and on other side I was about to join the geek world.

Scene: First year computer practical exam.

Venue: Computer Lab

Time: The worst possible time...Around 12 o�clock.

The last day of my first year exams and the biggest mountain is still not conquered - �Computer Practical�.

The only thing I learned in last one year is to differentiate between a CPU and a monitor. This is the only

true knowledge I have about this subject.

Let me look at the search and sort program again.

Scanf then printf�.Oops�printf then scanf� # include iostream.h�#include conio.h�clrscr()

Oh...God...I wish that share folder still exists� I hope the netsend command still works.

God...Help me� main ()�curly brackets open�.

Oops !! There he is, the most brilliant student of our class XXX , the one who asked

doubt to our Mechanical faculty on the first day itself. A tough question �Sir, is it possible to

store data on WordStar instead of Access �.

Ghosh!!! What�s WordStar?? What�s Access?? I am going to fail.

He looks too cool. Boy�5 more minutes left... C came after B�now we have C++ and VC++�C was discovered/invented (not sure) by Dennis Richie�.

I can hear one of the gal asking xxx �What�s ANSI C ?�

Oops...I don�t know even that...Probably discovered by Ancy� so C was discovered by both Dennis and Ancy� might be husband - wife.

Here comes the lab assistant.

�Guys get in!!!�

So at last the time has come. Utmost one more supplementary. Huh!!! Karthik �you have been through these situations now and then � bravo...Come on!!!!

I entered the lab with shaking hands...legs�entire body...

Oh that�s my system!!!! It�s still vacant�my shared drives�. Ha ha ha ...great

�Hey�take this system�sit according to your roll number� (In came the voice of lab assistant)

What the�*%$ is it�.?

Hey even this system is far from the faculty�s desk. This is great.

�Now !! turn over the sheet of paper on your desk, you have to complete the task in 3 hours. First write down the algorithm and then start doing the program.�

So...This is it� Come on�let�s see what�s in there�.

Write a program to sort N natural numbers in ascending order and then perform search operation.

(PS: Use Bubble sort and binary search).

Nice question the one I have mugged up. Take this Compy � Dompy�

#include iostream.h�#include conio.h..main()�.

Its� over and still plenty of time left. Let me see what others are doing. Oh !! God they all are gone. Was this paper that easy!!

�are you finished with the work?�

�Yes Mam�

�OK !! show me the output�

�Here it is...� ...Ctrl+F9

�Okay..that looks okay..it could have been better�you should add comments where ever possible��bla bla bla..and one more bla�.

Oh !!! she is gone�.hmmm..she will never get satisfied�anyways..It�s over�

I started going towards the door

� where r u going? Come over here. You still have VIVA left.�

Huh !!! Not again !!!

�Please sit �

�Thank you �

�Okay !! Tell me..What is a computer�

�A computer is an electronic device��.tttttrrrrrrrrrrppppppp�..

I am the best..I am the best..I am the best.. Yah I am best

�What r macros?�

�Sorry�

Did she hear me saying I am the best�

�What r libraries�

�Pardon�

�What are command line arguments?�

�Don�t know�

�What are inbuilt functions?�

�Can u please repeat the question��

Are these questions from Computer Science!!!! Huh !!!

�Okay one last question�Show me where is the server in our lab�

Hmmm�.Server is something big�yah it�s very big�.bigger than CPU and monitor�now I have to find where it is�.hmmm�

not that�that�s a switch board�not even that...that�s AC�.hmmmm�which one is the server�..Oopps�that�s her again�

�Hey !!! Stop revolving in your chair and tell me..Which is the server?�

Hey that looks like a server�.

�There it is�.�(pointing hand towards the UPS, but the faculty thought I was pointing towards the system..kept on the table )

�Good�Why didn�t you tell me earlier if you knew that? Actually no one answered it correctly...Good keep it up�

�Thank you mam..thanks a lot��

Yahoooo�..last ball..sixer..yipeeee��.

From then on I never looked back, within hours I became the hero of the class. People started coming to me with their doubts.

I cleared all their doubts. Even that svelte gal came and asked �What�s ANSI C ?�. Till date she thinks Richie and Ancy are husband and wife Wink

that was the best Ive read for quite some time swathy!!

From: Shakthiprabha. on Sat Sep 8 0:28:36 2007.

NOV wrote:

Prabhu Ram: Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait?

app_engine: He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say 'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'

(ithula personalised touch vera, including hubber names )

From: Shakthiprabha. on Sat Sep 8 0:30:45 2007.

NOV wrote:

An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the Senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings.

He asked "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?"

The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
"Can you see the river?"

"Yes"

"Can you see the bridge over it?"

"Of course", said the minister.

"10 per cent", said the senator smugly.

Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house, the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc. etc.

"How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in RS?', he asked.

The minister called him to the window.
"See the river over there?"

"Sure", cried the senator.

"Can you see the bridge over it?"

The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said - "No, I don't see any bridge."

"100 percent", said the minister!!

old one but still

From: Shakthiprabha. on Sat Sep 8 0:33:45 2007.

app_engine wrote:

F1 - ஒரு பாட்டுப்பாடேன்
F2 - சினிமா பாட்டா, கர்நாடக சங்கீதமா?
F1 - சினிமாப்பாட்டே பாடேன்
F2 - காதல் பாட்டா, தத்துவமா?
....
...
...
இப்படி பதில் கேள்வி கேட்டுக்கிட்டே இருப்பார்...
F1 (பொறுமை இழந்து) - உன்னைப்பாடக்கேட்டேனே, என் புத்தியை செருப்பால் அடிக்கணும்...
F2 - என் செருப்பாலயா, உன் செருப்பாலயா?

I genuinely tried visualising a pic for this joke too.

.

Even then it failed to tickle me.

From: crazy on Sat Sep 8 3:09:37 2007.

Shakthiprabha wrote:

app_engine wrote:

I genuinely tried visualising a pic for this joke too.

Sad

.

Even then it failed to tickle me.

me too

From: NOV on Sat Sep 8 8:20:30 2007.

Shakthiprabha wrote:

(ithula personalised touch vera, including hubber names )
its just to ice the cake.
for instance app would know why the malayalee reference for him
From: Shakthiprabha. on Sat Sep 8 8:57:45 2007.

nov,
From: app_engine on Sat Sep 8 21:40:48 2007.

SP & crazy,
I warned you:-) Pls read my whole post...
From: crazy on Sun Sep 9 8:16:26 2007.

app_engine wrote:

That is, only with the picture. When I narrated later -on many occasions to many different people, I looked like a clown as it didn't arouse even a smile
From: NOV on Tue Sep 11 21:53:11 2007.

My Resignation Letter

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good..

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again.

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So... here's my check book and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this. further, you'll have to catch me first, cause... Tag! You're it!
From: NOV on Tue Sep 11 21:56:25 2007.

Two guys were talking at work.
"I've got a problem," said the first one.

"What is it?"

"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"

"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.

"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."

"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.

The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.

When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"

Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"
From: NOV on Tue Sep 11 22:03:49 2007.

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
From: NOV on Tue Sep 11 22:23:36 2007.

Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway. They switch on the radio and there is a warning: Please note that a car is driving on highway 75 against the traffic. The programmer near the driver looks at him and says: "One? There are hundreds of them."
From: Querida on Tue Sep 11 23:18:10 2007.

Awwwwww....that's sooo cute @ at 8yr old wish...are you sure that as any 8 yr old you wouldn't wish to be bigger or older so you can do all the "cool stuff"???

*****************************************************
Cathy made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with Jane who worked with her at a bar.

Jane suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied Cathy. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied Jane. In a quiet voice, she told Cathy: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, Cathy took a trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, Jane saw Cathy and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied Cathy. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

(p.s. the names are a courtesy of mine...this is because of all the boos and finger wagging i got for posting the original hair colour of the joke characters in previous jokes )
From: rocketboy on Wed Sep 12 8:50:50 2007.

A man goes to a human organs transplantation company and asks the person in charge,

"Whats the cost for a brain transplant?"

"10000$ for a female brain and 5000$ for a male brain "

"Why such a disparity ? "

"The female brain is seldom used . Isn't it?"

From: chevy on Wed Sep 12 12:47:07 2007.

Querida wrote:

(p.s. the names are a courtesy of mine...this is because of all the boos and finger wagging i got for posting the original hair colour of the joke characters in previous jokes Razz

)

total conbusan!!

From: chevy on Wed Sep 12 12:47:44 2007.

rocketboy wrote:

A man goes to a human organs transplantation company and asks the person in charge,

"Whats the cost for a brain transplant?"

"10000$ for a female brain and 5000$ for a male brain "

"Why such a disparity ? "

"The female brain is seldom used . Isn't it?"

From: chevy on Wed Sep 12 14:07:34 2007.

nms wrote:

A man, his wife, and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop. Not long after, a blind man joins the group.

The bus arrives. The blind man and the husband are forced to walk because there's just no more room on the bus.

As they walk together, the tapping of the blind man's cane starts to irritate the other man. Finally, the man says, 'You know, that's pretty irritating. Why don't you put a rubber on the end of that stick?'

The blind man retorts: 'If you'd put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be on that bus.'

ahem ..

From: chevy on Wed Sep 12 14:15:54 2007.

Shakthiprabha wrote:

NOV wrote:

Prabhu Ram: Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait?

app_engine: He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say 'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'

(ithula personalised touch vera, including hubber names Laughing

)

HA HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA

From: chevy on Wed Sep 12 14:19:11 2007.

Madh@va wrote:

cha.. k .. i took sum time fer this ..

From: aanaa on Wed Sep 12 17:00:02 2007.

enjoyed
From: Madh@va on Thu Sep 13 4:57:19 2007.

BRILLIANT answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother & not some other Mum?
1. We're related
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a clot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than
dad.

What's the difference between mums & dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power
'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your
friend's.
4. Mums have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the
back of her head.

From: chevy on Thu Sep 13 5:12:18 2007.

Roshan wrote:

Shekhar wrote:

Q: Do Moderators of the Hub have good sense?

A: No. Because they allow too much goodsense in the hub!! Laughing

Your joke makes lot of 'good sense' Shekhar Wink

And I realised it after reading some posts elsewhere Laughing

But Shekhar, I am way too fortunate not to get involved at all right from the beginning Wink

Got what I mean ? Wink

i guess i got it after reading the immediately next post..

From: chevy on Thu Sep 13 5:14:20 2007.

goodsense wrote:

I shall play the piper and you shall dance to my tune every where I go. Carry on.
is that u in the profile pic ?

From: chevy on Thu Sep 13 5:15:29 2007.

kb wrote:

i heard this in asatha povathu yaaru.. in a temple

boy: pillaiyaar maama naa ninachathellam nalla padiya nadakanum..

poosari: abishtu ennada pillaiyaara maamanu koopidra Evil or Very Mad

boy: enga pakkathu veetla irrukira ponnu pillaiyaarappa-nu koopidra Razz

HAHAHHAHAH

From: chevy on Thu Sep 13 5:24:56 2007.

Lambretta wrote:

There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.

They all decided that one person should get off, because if they
didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA .. lambu anna .. this is the best one ever

From: chevy on Thu Sep 13 5:26:01 2007.

Querida wrote:

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy and I bet he was glad to get rid of it." - Groucho Marx

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." -Louis Nizer (1902 - 1994)
1994)

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness; let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain

"A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity." - Mark Twain

"I didn't attend the funeral but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends."- Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts--for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

From: crazy on Thu Sep 13 11:04:27 2007.

Madh@va wrote:

BRILLIANT answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother & not some other Mum?
1. We're related
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a clot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than
dad.

What's the difference between mums & dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power
'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your
friend's.
4. Mums have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the
back of her head.

very nice..should have been in the thread "share what u enjoyed reading"

From: aanaa on Thu Sep 13 11:20:25 2007.

enjoyed it
From: NOV on Mon Sep 17 20:44:43 2007.

Three couples went to a resturant. The men wanted to compliment the women with something that was on the table.

"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first guy.

"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.

"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.
From: NOV on Mon Sep 17 20:46:45 2007.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
From: NOV on Tue Sep 18 4:44:06 2007.

fed up of the world?
tired of living?
here's two great methods to end the misery...
choose one!

The fast and easy way: Get a long rope and tie it around your neck.

The slow and torturous way: Get a short rope and tie it around the neck of a woman.

The choice is yours.

From: dev on Tue Sep 18 7:27:40 2007.

NOV wrote:

fed up of the world?
tired of living?
here's two great methods to end the misery...
choose one!

The fast and easy way: Get a long rope and tie it around your neck.

The slow and torturous way: Get a short rope and tie it around the neck of a woman.

The choice is yours.

From: crazy on Tue Sep 18 14:06:15 2007.
From: NOV on Wed Sep 19 0:31:04 2007.

27 Facts About Men

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Men who have tattoos think they have a piece of artwork on them. Yeah, like a flaming skull is art?

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he
coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.

10 Men are sensitive in strange ways If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11 Men have an easier time buying bathing suits, Women have two types: depressing and more depressing Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12 Men have higher body temperatures than women If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13 Women take clothing much more seriously than men I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14 Most men hate to shop That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15 If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16 If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only
works on cocoons and butterflies.

17 No man is charming all of the time Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18 When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19 When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20 Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21 Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22 If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget.. he didn't lose your number.. he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

23 Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, "Are we going to have fun again?" He said, "Maybe.. next year."

24 Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you.. I want to marry you.. I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

25 Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

26 Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to flirt with young girls and drive motorcycles.

27 Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports They've already forgotten what happened.
From: NOV on Wed Sep 19 0:32:30 2007.

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
From: NOV on Wed Sep 19 0:33:02 2007.

A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
From: NOV on Wed Sep 19 0:54:09 2007.

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "*#@* you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The crowd applauded - and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.
From: NOV on Wed Sep 19 0:54:41 2007.

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "*#@* you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The crowd applauded - and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.
From: Lambretta on Wed Sep 19 7:58:06 2007.

-deleted by self-

From: Lambretta on Wed Sep 19 7:58:43 2007.

NOV wrote:

Three couples went to a resturant. The men wanted to compliment the women with something that was on the table.

"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first guy.

"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.

"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.

From: Lambretta on Wed Sep 19 8:46:30 2007.

chevy wrote:

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA .. lambu anna .. this is the best one ever

Lambu?? Do u know if I'm tat tall?
From: NOV on Thu Sep 20 4:41:33 2007.

A Sardar went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks . He put
them in the back of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he
was confronted by a game warden who didn't like Sardars.

The game warden ordered the Sardar to show his hunting license, and the
Sardar pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up
one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from
Ontario.This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license,boy? "

The Sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting
license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second
duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's
from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?"

The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting
license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck,
sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here
duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license ?"

Again the Sardar reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia
hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at
the Sardar "Just where the hell are you from?"

The Sardar smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said,
" You tell me, you're the expert ."

From: Lambretta on Thu Sep 20 5:10:36 2007.

NOV wrote:

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at
the Sardar "Just where the hell are you from?"
The Sardar smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, " You tell me, you're the expert ."

From: crazy on Thu Sep 20 13:19:07 2007.
From: killua on Fri Sep 21 15:51:36 2007.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed , lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
From: killua on Fri Sep 21 15:52:40 2007.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, " You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?" "What dear?", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."
From: killua on Fri Sep 21 15:53:17 2007.

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

From: rachel on Fri Sep 21 23:01:18 2007.

killua wrote:

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

ayyo.ayyo:lol:

From: crazy on Sat Sep 22 3:00:16 2007.

From: rachel on Sat Sep 22 23:19:42 2007.

Lambretta wrote:

NOV wrote:

that's not funny

From: NOV on Sun Sep 23 22:38:21 2007.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. - Sam Kinison

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavran

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
- Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Nash

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle
From: NOV on Sun Sep 23 23:42:53 2007.

secretary: your wife is calling
boss: what does she want?
secretary: she wants to kiss you!
boss: receive it on my behalf and give it to me later.
From: NOV on Sun Sep 23 23:43:57 2007.

santa singh is driving a jeep in jungle.

tourist: if we see a lion now, how to escape?

santa: dont worry, we fool lion. I will give right indicator and turn left.
From: NOV on Sun Sep 23 23:49:30 2007.

santa singh and banta singh were planting a bomb in a car.

santa: what to do if bomb explodes while we are planting it?

banta: dont worry, I have one more bomb.
From: NOV on Sun Sep 23 23:50:28 2007.

santa sent sms to banta: "sender is cool and reader is fool."

banta got angry and replied: "sender is fool and reader is cool"

From: Lambretta on Mon Sep 24 13:48:45 2007.

rachel wrote:

Lambretta wrote:

NOV wrote:

that's not funny Mad

Tats ur opinion

From: crazy on Mon Sep 24 13:53:44 2007.

NOV
From: killua on Mon Sep 24 14:24:31 2007.

Nov your jokes are atrocious

Sardar Jokes

One day a sardarji was sitting in his office on The thirteenth floor
building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Santa singh
your daughter Preeto just died in an accident" Sardarji was in panic. Not
knowing what to do he jumped from his office window. While coming down when
he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named
Preeto. When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not
married.When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Santa
Singh.

Sardar was walking along, when he looked up to observe a bird flying
overhead. Suddenly, the bird dropped a load when it was directly over him.
The Sardar says, "Good thing that cows don't fly."

Sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so he picks it up and says
" Hello, how did you know I was here?"

Why are sardar secret agents the best in the world? Because even under
torture they can't remember what they have been assigned to.

Did you hear about the sardar who signed all his checks so no one else
could use them if he lost his checkbook?

A sardar's response to the comment,
"THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think-I 'm sardar! "
From: killua on Mon Sep 24 14:46:24 2007.

BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

***********

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!! !.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!! !

***********

March - Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"

***********

April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... Power went out!!!

***********

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.... .wrong instructions. ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

***********

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

***********

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

***********

August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm... ..car swamped because soft-top was open.

***********

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

***********

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

***********

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.

Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

***********

December - Couldn't call 911...."duh"........ there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!
From: killua on Mon Sep 24 15:11:16 2007.

(surely a few of us were fortunate enough to experience this 1st hand)

Going to Propose a Girl ?

Here are the top most reply of a girl, when you propose her...

1) Nahi........ ......... ???

2) Chiiiii..... Kitne gande vichar hain tumhare..... ..

3) Maine tumhe sirf ek acche dost ki nazar se dekha hai ....

4) Mera pehle se ek boyfrnd hai....

5) Main in baton pe vishwas nahi karti, apne padhai pe dhyaan lagao...

6) tum abhi tak mujhe jaante kahan ho ?Yeh shayad infatuation hai....

7) Tumhara bank balance kitna hai�??

8) Magar last year to Maine tumhe raakhi baandhi thi ..hai naa..bhaiyya. .??

9) Mein abhi is relation ke liye mentally prepared nahi hoo....

10) Mein apne dady se pooch ke tumhe kaal answer karu�??

11) Itni is baat kehne ke liye itni der lagaa di??

12) Ye donon ke dil me hai na, to phir kya kehna!!

13) Sorry

14) "��Apna chehra kabhi aayine me dekha hai�.. L�� "

15) "Main toh tumhe apna Bhai maanati hu"

16) "Yes .. I too like you � (but hope you don't cheat on me ) " � (Which we guys most oftenly do )

17) Phele kyon nahi bataya AB tum late ho gaye ..

18) Tum agar pehle mile hote to sochti.

19) Tumhari himmat kaise hui mere baare mein aisa sochne ki� (probably followed by a slap)

20) Girl: mujhe sochna ka wakt do�

Guy: kitna wakt???(with hope)

Girl: saat janam

21) Mai ek shaadi shuda ladki hu

22) Mein tumhare chotte bhai se pyaar karti hoon�

23) Now that's a real tragedy�.

Girl: Hee hee ��hee hee hee�..hee �.hee��hee��

Hee hee ��hee hee hee�..hee �.hee��hee��

24) Boy: I love U!

Gal: I don't think ABT all this before marriage.

25) Keep loving I don't care.

26) Tum mere liye kya kar sakte ho�

27) Kaun as number hai mera tumhare proposals ki history mein. Ha ha ha ha�.

28) tumhe is nazar se kabhi dekha nahi

29) tumhare barre mein kabhi aisa socha nahi

30) mummy se pooch kar bataungi

31) mere bhaiyya se baat kar lo , who hi tumhe samajhayenge

32) Knyo, Tina NE "No" bola?

33) Lekin tum to Mina ke piche pade the, Kya usne thappad mara?

34) Kitne time ke liye -???

35) Worst one-- Jo bhi bolna hai jaldi bolo mera beta school se aata hoga..

36) Thanks. I love you, too.

37) Boy :- Sonya, I love U�..

Gal :- Sorry , Next 3 Months tak Waiting List chal rahi hai�.

38) "What?"

39) "Let's just stay away from this"

40) My friend in college got one classic reply � "I THINK I'M ENGAGED"

41) "I think, I will have better options in future ..."

42)Mujhe tumse is baare mein koi baat nahi karni, then she starts ignoring, phir bhi nahi sudhare then she threatens via some common friends.

43) My Boy friend is very short Tempered. Beware of it.

44) like you as a friend but I never thought about us like this�cant we be just good friends for ever

45) Actually my younger sis likes you a lot. ..

46) My mummy does not like your family (if the family knows each other.) ..

47) "Why me?..Tumne mere meih essa kya dekha?..."she wants you to list down all the Good qualities that you even might have not seen in her. ...

48) SLAP !! ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS....it is said ..

49)hehe I didn't expect that from you....

50)nice joke ...

51)tum ladke kuchh or nahi soch sakte jaha ladki dekhi fisal gaye.....

52)achha tum bhi meine socha sirf harsh,nikhil, ravi, etc etc ko hi mujhme interest hai ..... And then walks on.......... ...

53)tumhe to purpose karna bhi nahi aata.... Peheli bari hai kya?? Koi baat nahi mein batati Hun ???...
From: crazy on Tue Sep 25 8:45:19 2007.

killua, could u pls write those jokes in english or tamil ....i dont know hindi
From: killua on Tue Sep 25 9:57:16 2007.

Will do my best Crazy. [from rastrabasha to matrubasha]

Going to Propose a Girl ?

Here are the top most reply of a girl, when you propose her...

1) Nahi........ ......... ???
Nooooo.

2) Yeen da, Evalo Kevala-manai buddi unaku.

3) Na unnai eppovudum oru nallai frienda dhan pattuirrukain.

4) I already have a boyfriend.

5) Ennaiku iddula-yellam nambikiai illai, un padipai ghavani.

6) You hardly know me. it's probably just an infatuation.

7) What's your bank balance???

8) Yenda, last year dhane na unnuku Rakhi katnai.

9) I am not prepared for relation kinda things.

10) Let me ask my dad.

11) iddai sollurathaku yen ivalau naron

13) Sorry

14)Have you ever seen your face in the mirror?.................

15) I think of you as my brother!

17) Why didn't you tell me earlier, it's too late now!

18) If i had met you earlier then there might have been a chance.

19) How dare you think of something like this....... slap.

20) [this is really unique]
Girl: I want some time to think about it.
Guy: How much time??? (with hope)
Girl: 7 janmum

22) I like your younger brother!

23) Now that's a real tragedy�.

Girl: Hee hee ��hee hee hee�..hee �.hee��hee��

Hee hee ��hee hee hee�..hee �.hee��hee��

24) Boy: I love U!

Gal: I don't think ABT all this before marriage.

25) Keep loving I don't care.

29) I never thought of you this way.

31) Speak to my brother, he will explain to you.

32) Why did Tina refuse you?

33) But, weren't you going behind Meena, did she slap you?

34) For how long -???

35) Worst one-- Whatever you have to say, say it quickly, it's time for my son to come back from school

37) Boy :- Sonya, I love U�..

Gal :- Sorry , Next 3 Months tak Waiting List chal rahi hai�.

38) "What?"

39) "Let's just stay away from this"

40) My friend in college got one classic reply � "I THINK I'M ENGAGED"

41) "I think, I will have better options in future ..."

43) My Boy friend is very short Tempered. Beware of it.

44) like you as a friend but I never thought about us like this�cant we be just good friends for ever

45) Actually my younger sis likes you a lot. ..

46) My mummy does not like your family (if the family knows each other.) ..

47) "Why me? What good did you see in me?..."she wants you to list down all the Good qualities that you even might have not seen in her. ...

48) SLAP !! ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS....it is said ..

49)hehe I didn't expect that from you....

50)nice joke ...

51)Do you guys never think of anything else, whenever you see a girl u fall for her.

52)Oh you too, I thought it was just harsh, nikhil, ravi who were interested in me..... and then walks away.

Perhaps a couple of more additions.

Why, don't you have any other friends & are you lonely?

You say you are interested in me because of so many things in common, come on, there are so many of my friends with whom I have a lot more things in common.
From: crazy on Tue Sep 25 13:14:51 2007.

Thanks Killua

many f them r really funny ...but some r
From: killua on Tue Sep 25 15:53:43 2007.

crazy
PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2007 1:14 pm Post subject:
Thanks Killua Smile

many f them r really funny ...but some r Mad

True some of them are vetti, but i am thinking "could it be true?"
From: killua on Wed Sep 26 9:40:36 2007.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out"

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
From: crazy on Wed Sep 26 13:55:37 2007.

killua wrote:

True some of them are vetti, but i am thinking "could it be true?"
From: mgb on Thu Sep 27 7:24:57 2007.

A man whose actions leave his wife speechless
has really done something

The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once

Some wives have such good memories that they can even remember things that never happened

Listening to political speeches is a lot like listening to your wife -
you know something is going on even though you're not paying much attention to it.

If you want your wife to listen to what you have to say, talk in your sleep

A wife will always forgive and forget - but she'll never let you forget that she forgave and forgot

The one thing that proves you can't afford to support a wife is having one.

It's foolish to worry about something beyond your control
- such as your wife.

A yawn is nature's provision for making it possible for husbands to open their mouths.

One reason it's often difficult to coax men to go to church is that men aren't interested in what other men are wearing.

It is intuition that enables a woman to put two and two together and come up with any answer that suits her.

All women don't nag. Some aren't married

The man who said the art of conversation is dead never stood outside a telephone booth waiting for a woman to finish talking.

An optimist thinks the woman in the phone booth will be right out because he heard her say goodbye.

When a man answers the phone he reaches for a pencil;
when a woman answers she reaches for a chair.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If you want to make a woman nervous, just put her in a room with hundreds of attires and no mirror.

A woman likes a man best who has a will of his own
- made out in her name.

Women distrust men too much in general and not enough in particular.
From: NOV on Thu Sep 27 22:28:04 2007.

Samy Velu is a senior member of the Malaysian cabinet and is also the president of malaysian indian congress. He is a very colorful character and many jokes are made on him.

Recently there was a by election held and Samy, as the Minister of Works addressed a group of village folk:

Samy: Do not worry! We are planning for several projects for this village. We are going to build a bridge that will have others envious of your village!

Villager: But sir, our village doesn't have a river. Why build a bridge?

Samy: You don't worry! If you have no river, the government will build one for you!
From: Braandan on Sat Sep 29 20:29:22 2007.

We've all caught someone at sometime picking their nose. Some try to do it in secret. Others do it openly without embarrassment. Maybe even you have been caught in the act. Nose-picking is one disgusting habit and is certainly not socially acceptable. So, are these people normal? One would guess that this is not the type of thing researched at our institutions of higher learning. Guess again. The Americans did.

Of course, scientists must give everyday things complicated scientific names. Nose picking is a term for us common folk. Nose-picking should really be referred to as rhinotillexomania (rhino=nose, tillexis=habit of picking at something, mania=obsession with something). So, the next time that you see a person picking their nose, tell them that they are a rhinotillexomaniac.

The researchers prepared their "Rhinotillexomania Questionnaire" and randomly mailed it to 1000 residents in Dane County, Wisconsin. Each survey included a cover letter that stated, "The University of Wisconsin is conducting a survey of a common but understudied habit scientifically known as 'rhinotillexomania'. Its common name is nose-picking." Even better, the letter actually defined what nose-picking is: "Insertion of a finger (or other object) into the nose with the intention of removing dried nasal secretions." I'll bet that you already knew that. Can you imagine getting this survey in the mail? Even with the University's seal on the stationary, one would have to wonder whether this was a joke or not.

Now for the results (assuming that they are reliable): Of the 1000 surveys mailed out, only 254 were completed and returned to the researchers.

� 8.7% claim that they have never picked their nose. (In other words, they are liars or they can't remember doing it as a kid.)

� 91% stated that they had picked their nose in the past and were still actively practicing this habit. Yet, only 49.2% of the respondents actually thought that nose-picking was common in adults.

� 9.2% rate their pickin' as "more than average."

� 25.6% actually pick their noses daily, 22.3% do it 2 to 5 times each day, and three people admitted to doing it at least hourly.

� 55.5% spent 1-5 minutes, 23.5% spent 5-15 minutes, and 0.8% (2 people) spent 15-30 minutes each day cleaning their nostrils. One lone soul claims to devote over 2 hours each day to this ritual (I'm not a doctor and I can tell you that this guy definitely has rhinotillexomania).

� 18% reported nosebleeds, while 0.8% claimed perforation of the nasal septum from their nose-picking.

� 65.1% use their index finger, 20.2% use their pinky, and 16.4% use their thumb (must have BIG nostrils to fit a thumb in) as their instrument of choice.

� Most people (90.3%) disposed of the goop in a tissue or a handkerchief, while 28.6% used the floor, and 7.6% stuck it to the furniture.

� 8% of the respondents actually ate the end product. In case you are thinking of trying this delicacy, the study claims that the pickings are quite tasty (salty).

So, what have we learned from this groundbreaking study? Basically, boogers apparently taste good, although I can guarantee to you that I will never do the taste testing to find out.

And we are wondering why there is no cure for Cancer yet!
From: killua on Mon Oct 1 14:10:04 2007.

[Please, be not quick to judge]

Women's Ass Size Study:

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty interesting:

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
From: killua on Mon Oct 1 14:14:28 2007.

[a few cliched ones]

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have
' Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
' Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00"

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.

The store manager replied: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings."

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

[a very cliched one]

TWO WOMEN TALKING:

============ ========= ========= ====

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

...

...

...

....

....

...

...

...

...

NOW TWO MEN TALKING

============ ========= ========= ========

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.
From: NOV on Fri Oct 5 8:40:07 2007.

When i was married 25 years, i took a look at my wife one day and said,
"honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but i got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blond."

Now we have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen tv, but i'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out & find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that i would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!
From: thamiz on Sun Oct 7 21:31:54 2007.

http://www.dilbert.com/

Healthy employees are unproductive!!!
From: NOV on Tue Oct 9 4:05:56 2007.

Joe is the most optimistic person that I have ever seen.

Howzat?

He hasn't spoken to his wife for three years, but he believes that his turn will eventually come.
From: NOV on Tue Oct 9 4:07:08 2007.

What's your name?

Sakthy

No. I mean your full name.

It's Sakthy - empty or full.
From: NOV on Tue Oct 9 4:07:47 2007.

The traffic officer says you got sarcastic with him.

But I didn't intend to be. He talked to me like my wife does and I forgot myself and answered "Yes, dear."
From: NOV on Tue Oct 9 4:09:00 2007.

I had to bawl out my husband for talking baby talk in the nursery today.

Oh, don't mind those child experts. It doesn't hurt to talk a little baby talk to a child.

But he wasn't talking it to the child - he was talking it to the nursemaid.
From: crazy on Tue Oct 9 4:09:04 2007.
From: NOV on Thu Oct 11 0:36:36 2007.

Customer : Waiter, do you serve pig?

Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
From: Madh@va on Fri Oct 12 0:16:27 2007.

The stretch of jokes were simply hilarious!
From: thamiz on Thu Oct 25 12:41:28 2007.

SAY WHAT?

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/zits.asp?date=20071021
From: Madh@va on Wed Oct 31 3:09:51 2007.

Cikgu (teacher): Bagaimana menukar ayat "Vaasanai Roja vaadipogalaama?" ini menjadi ayat aktif ? (How would you change this question to an active sentence?)
Murid : Senang saja cikgu (That's easy, teacher) ..." vaadi Saroja odi pogalaama " ?
------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher : " Unaku Tamil moli pidikumma illa Aangila moli pidikumma ?
Student : " Ennaku unggal magal Thenmozhiyei romba pidikum teacher!"
------------------------------------------------------------

Nalaiku Naama 2perum KLCC mela yeri nipoma... naa 1 2 3 sonnathum Ninge first kuthikenum ... apparam ninge 1 2 3 sonnathum naa kuthipen .. sariyaa???
From: crazy on Wed Oct 31 14:34:01 2007.

Madh@va wrote:

Nalaiku Naama 2perum KLCC mela yeri nipoma... naa 1 2 3 sonnathum Ninge first kuthikenum ... apparam ninge 1 2 3 sonnathum naa kuthipen .. sariyaa???

From: Lambretta on Thu Nov 1 13:59:17 2007.

crazy wrote:

Madh@va wrote:

Nalaiku Naama 2perum KLCC mela yeri nipoma... naa 1 2 3 sonnathum Ninge first kuthikenum ... apparam ninge 1 2 3 sonnathum naa kuthipen .. sariyaa???

'didnt get this one joke though

.......the other 2 were

From: dev on Thu Nov 1 21:45:03 2007.

Lamby, KLCC mela irundhu kuthicha aprom enga 1,2 3 solla mudiyum?... Uiyiroda irundha thaane!!!
From: NOV on Thu Nov 1 22:14:08 2007.

Prospective Employer to Applicant: "So why did you leave your previous job?"

Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"
From: NOV on Thu Nov 1 22:15:09 2007.

Wife: "Sir, I would like to call on my husband who left me and took all our five kids with him."

Radio Host: "Ok, go ahead!"

Wife: "Sweetheart, please return all the kids; only one of them is yours."
From: NOV on Thu Nov 1 22:15:44 2007.

Hello! I'm here again. My mind is all muddled up. I just want to ask something. I know that you will be able to help me out. Is BIRDS FLU the past tense of BIRDS FLY?
From: NOV on Thu Nov 1 22:18:01 2007.

You are riding a bus, when you suddenly break wind. Luckily the music is very loud. Every time you break wind, you time it with the music.

However, when you get down from the bus, everybody throw dagger looks at you...

and only then you realise. . . .

.... that you have your MP3 player on your ears !
From: NOV on Thu Nov 1 22:19:42 2007.

WIFE: It's a miracle! You are home early!

HUSBAND: I just did what my boss told me to do. He said: "GO TO HELL", that's why I came home early.
From: NOV on Thu Nov 1 22:23:39 2007.

Sridhar: Why the grin on your face?

Maran: It's my wife's birthday today.

Sridhar: So, what's your gift to her?

Maran: I asked her what she wanted.

Sridhar: And what did she want?

Maran: She said, anything, as long a there is a diamond in it.

Sridhar: Oh my god! So, what did you gave her?

Maran: A deck of playing cards
From: NOV on Thu Nov 1 22:24:42 2007.

Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!

Student: That's not true! My dad says we are descendants of Apes!

Teacher: We are not talking about your family!
From: Querida on Thu Nov 1 22:37:15 2007.

they must have one really huge family...i seem to come across many of the student's relatives
From: crazy on Fri Nov 2 3:54:01 2007.
From: Shakthiprabha. on Fri Nov 2 8:24:59 2007.
From: Lambretta on Fri Nov 2 13:21:31 2007.

Que,
Tats a good one I say.... ok ok no more rhyming!

dev, for the clarification!
From: Braandan on Sat Nov 3 23:46:20 2007.

From Arcamax:

Marriage Math:

I just read that last year 4,153,237 people in USA got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
From: Lambretta on Sun Nov 4 2:00:11 2007.

JEREMY CLARKSON'S QUOTES ON CARS (& SOME OTHER STUFF:)
(Warning: some contain rather explicit language! )

> "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like
> having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've
> got even half a scr*tum it's not going to happen."

> About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things I'd rather be doing
> than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage
> in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"
>
> "... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
> stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying
> there will be no war with Germany "
>
> Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased
> stick out of a pig's bottom"
>
> On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car: it
> begins with 's' and ends with 't' and its not "soot." Hammond : "So its
> fairly terrible then?" Clarkson: "Oh no...losing your leg is fairly
> terrible: this is another league of badness!"
>
> "Some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people and
> that long before anyone else realised that Jade Goody is a racist pig
> faced waste of blood and organs...... ......all we know, is that he's
> called the Stig!"
>
> "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
> Ethiopian transvestite" (this is a good one! )
>
> "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary.. . That's
> what gets you."
>
> "The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the
> dashboard blowing at you through a straw."
>
> "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable
> than what... BEING STABBED?"
>
> "The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible
> was Adolf Hitler."
>
> (Fed up during the caravanning trip) "You aren't allowed to have a party,
> you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games,
> you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet
> of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This
> is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
>
> "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not
> that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got
> syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.''
>
> On the Mercedes CLS 55: "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be
> less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
>
> "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places
> quicker than I do?"
>
> Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain,
> they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road,
> some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an
> obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."
>
> "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a
> reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari
> pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a
> car', and drove off. What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet
> faced, leaf-eating ninny'."
>
>"Britain 's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because
> they don't have wheel-chair access."
>
> "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the
> air for 6 seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10 days in 10
> years."

> On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: "Well Mr
> Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes
> which way her parents voted?"
>
> "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
> affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
> cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
>
> On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force
> crashing into a firework factory."
>
> "Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back
> because of three very important reasons. One - weight. This is 600 Lbs
> and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."
>
> "I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the �60,000. The
> problem with this car is its gearbox, its just...." Hammond : "THAT bad
> is it?" Clarkson: "Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole
> different league."
>
> "In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put
> it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their
> customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was."
>
> "The DB9 has rear seats that no mammal yet created, not even when God was
> on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."
>
> Assessing Hammond 's crash: Clarkson: You can see from the tape that the
> tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
> Hammond : "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
> Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on
> the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a
> lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
>
> "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved. ..for a
> murderer."
>
> "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to
> be on my plate at supper time."
>
> "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
> stitching... on their face."
>
> "Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work.
> It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it
> can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half
> hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face." (good one again! )
>
> "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you
> like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."
>
> "You can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I won't go to
> Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a
> woman!"
>
> "Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports
> car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a
> President."
>
> On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous
> wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
From: Braandan on Sat Nov 10 18:18:15 2007.

From Arcamax:

The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
From: c4ramesh on Sun Nov 11 0:12:11 2007.

NOV wrote:

Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That's not true! My dad says we are descendants of Apes!

Teacher: We are not talking about your family!

sadly, this is what my teacher taught... me...
From: c4ramesh on Sun Nov 11 0:15:25 2007.

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam.

Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).
From: c4ramesh on Mon Nov 12 7:08:38 2007.

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: 'Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.'

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says 'Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?
From: c4ramesh on Mon Nov 12 7:12:33 2007.

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
From: c4ramesh on Tue Nov 13 7:10:26 2007.

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."
From: crazy on Tue Nov 13 12:44:51 2007.
From: Vkrish on Tue Nov 13 14:55:51 2007.

A japanese and South Indian company entered into a joint venture to construct a large building at Geneva...everthing went on fine, but a conflict arised when it came to naming. Both wanted to keep a Name for the building as per there choice/preference. Before the issue getting serious, a third party came and proposed a Name. Both were extremely happy. it was named as "Nichumo Nickadho"

From: dinesh13284 on Wed Nov 14 8:05:20 2007.

c4ramesh wrote:

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

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