Topic started by Shakthi (@ bangdp-34-109.mantraonline.com) on Fri Jun 28 08:16:15 .
Laughing is considered almost like an alternative therapy to cure most diseases. Its an answer to most of our health problems. Lets post healthy jokes and share our joy.
Any no of jokes per day is welcome. plz post decent jokes only.
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These are couplets taken from the rhymezone site where there's this competition for writing
the most romantic first line and most unromantic second..here are a few of the entries..
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
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BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Did you miss me while I was away?
BOY : Were you away?
GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night?
BOY : What time was it?
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring?
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number?
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple..
CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour..
PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...
1st MAN : I'm worried about my daughter. She keeps being chased by the doctor.
2nd MAN : Has she tried an apple?
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve?
Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something, It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.
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Come on ppl! Post ur jokes. Lets laugh worries away!
sincerely,
shakthi.
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Old responses
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[Oldposts] From: r (@ pr-1*) on: Sat Aug 7 05:35:57 EDT 2004.
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tt,
"Tere baap ka naukar hooon kya?????"
means
"Am I your father's servant?"
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[Oldposts] From: shakthi (@ 203-*) on: Wed Aug 11 15:46:03 EDT 2004.
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pavazhamani maam,
)
that was hilarious!
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[Oldposts] From: Cindy (@ ppp-*) on: Thu Aug 12 01:52:39 EDT 2004.
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Here are some Surd's
1. Jugnu Singh and an American were walking outside when the American said "Oh, look at the dead bird." Jugnu Singh looked towards the sky and said "Where, where?"
2. Surd#1 : What is the difference between a MOSQUITO and a FLY?
Surd#2 : A FLY can FLY but a MOSQUITO cannot MOSQUITO!
3. Jugnu Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But...what happened to your other ear?" "That fellow called back."
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[Oldposts] From: Cindy (@ ppp-*) on: Thu Aug 12 01:53:23 EDT 2004.
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Contd..
4. There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the funeral are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if it's a marriage baarat. So one of them asks jugnu Singh, "Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach raheho?"...comes the reply, "Haan ji ! Hai hi baat bade khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar BRAIN tumour se mara hai
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[Oldposts] From: Cindy (@ ppp-*) on: Thu Aug 12 01:56:45 EDT 2004.
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Contd..
5. There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the funeral are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if it's a marriage baarat. So one of them asks jugnu Singh, "Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach raheho?"...comes the reply, "Haan ji ! Hai hi baat bade khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar BRAIN tumour se mara hai
Sardarji bought a new car. Next day he is driving his car to office. On the way he was waiting for the Signal. Suddenly he opened the door and got down. Then he went to the Traffic Police and asked him, 'How much should I pay to turn right?'
The Policeman was astonished and asked, 'Why are you asking like this?
Then Sardarji showed him the signboard, which was in the corner of the road - Free Left Turn
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[Oldposts] From: Cindy (@ ppp-*) on: Thu Aug 12 01:58:04 EDT 2004.
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Contd..
6. A passerby watched two sardarjis in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. Tell me,' said the passerby, What on earth are you doing? Well, said the digger, Usually there are three of us. I dig the hole, Balwant plants the tree saplings and Gurpreet fills in the hole. Today Balwant is off ill, but that doesn't mean Gurpreet and I get the day off, does it?
7. Banta Singh rushed back angrily to the grocery shop from where he had purchased a packet of butter a few minutes ago. "Where is my free gift?" he shouted at the shopkeeper. "But Sir, there is no free gift on the purchase of butter." The shopkeeper answered politely. "Don't fool me," replied Banta, "it is clearly written on the packet
of the butter Cholesterol free.
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[Oldposts] From: Cindy (@ ppp-*) on: Thu Aug 12 01:59:39 EDT 2004.
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This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by
people from various parts of World. This is English at its best..!
1. A candidate's application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an
accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years
and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.
2. An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife.
Please sanction me one-week leave.
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[Oldposts] From: Cindy (@ ppp-*) on: Thu Aug 12 02:00:27 EDT 2004.
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3. Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground and I may not return,
please grant me half day casual leave".
4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I
request you to leave me today".
5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his friend's letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school".
6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.
7. A covering note, "I am enclosed herewith...
8. Another leave letter written to Administration dept:
As my Mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please
grant me 10 days leave.
9. Letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at
home I may be granted leave".
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[Oldposts] From: Cindy (@ 61.1*) on: Wed Aug 18 05:20:10 EDT 2004.
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Shakthi: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Vapuchi: Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
Shakthi: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how
long would it take four men to build it?
Vapuchi: No time at all it is already built.
Shakthi: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand
and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
Vapuchi: Very large hands.
Shakthi: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Vapuchi: It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
Shakthi: How can a man go eight days without sleep?
Vapuchi: He sleeps at night.
Shakthi: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
Vapuchi: Wet.
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[Oldposts] From: Cindy (@ 61.1*) on: Wed Aug 18 05:20:55 EDT 2004.
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Shakthi: What looks like half apple?
Vapuchi: The other half.
Shakthi What can you never eat for breakfast ?
Vapuchi: Dinner.
Shakthi: What happened when wheel was invented ?
Vapuchi : It caused a revolution.
Shakthi Why is it easy to weigh a fish ?
Vapuchi : Because it has its own scales.
Shakthi Bay of Bengal is in which state?
Vapuchi : Liquid.
Shakthi: what is the opposite of Nagpanchmi?
Vapuchi: Nag do not punch me.
Shakthi: Now what is the inverse of Nagpanchmi?
Vapuchi: I punched the Nag.
Shakthi: Chintu's mom has three sons. What is the name of the
other two?
Vapuchi: Chin-1 & Chin-3.
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[Oldposts] From: Hyderabadi (@ ) on: Tue Aug 31 02:29:51.
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Sachin Tendulkar and Sourav Ganguly, now pretty old guys, 55 and 58
years old, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about
cricket, like they do every day.
Sachin turns to Sourav and says, "Do you think there's cricket in
heaven?" Ganguly thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But
let's make a
deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's cricket in
heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Sachin passes on.
One day soon afterward, Ganguly is sitting there feeding the pigeons by
himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sourav... Sourav!" Ganguly
responds, "Sachin! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sourav," whispers Sachin's
ghost. Ganguly, still amazed, asks, "So, is there cricket in heaven?"
"Well," says Sachin, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good
news first," says Ganguly. Sachin says, "Well... there is cricket in
heaven." Ganguly says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to
ruin that!?" Sachin sighs and whispers, "You're going to be the opening
batsmen on Friday."
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[Oldposts] From: hyderabadi (@ 203.*) on: Tue Aug 31 06:03:37 EDT 2004.
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Santa was sitting on his porch, when a man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.
"What can I do for you?" Santa politely asked. "You selling something?"
"No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker," the man replied.
"A what?" Santa asked, more confused than ever.
"A Census Taker," he explained. "We're trying to find out how many people are in the India."
"Well, you're wasting your time here," Santa answered finally. "I have no idea."
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[Oldposts] From: hyderabadi (@ 203.*) on: Tue Aug 31 06:06:13 EDT 2004.
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An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking beer. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
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[Oldposts] From: hyderabadi (@ 203.*) on: Tue Aug 31 06:07:34 EDT 2004.
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An angel appears at a priests meeting and tells their leader that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the leader selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the leader, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of the preists whispers, "Say something."
The leader sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
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[Oldposts] From: Hyderabadi (@ 203.*) on: Tue Aug 31 06:22:34 EDT 2004.
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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife. I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that, by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, a faxed letter waited for him:
Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
Your Wife
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[Oldposts] From: hyderabadi (@ 203.*) on: Tue Aug 31 06:33:01 EDT 2004.
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"Doctor, I think my son has gonorrhea," Santa told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's scre**wed is our maid."
"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the doctor soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But, Doctor. I've been scre**wing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor.
"Well," Santa admitted, "I think my wife now has it too."
"Son of a bitch!" the doctor roared. "That means we've all got it!"
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[Oldposts] From: hyderabadi (@ 203.*) on: Tue Aug 31 06:34:09 EDT 2004.
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Banta and Preeto got married and celebrated their first night together doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, but with the lights off.
Morning came, Banta went to the bathroom but found no towel when he emerged from the shower.
He asked Preeto to bring one from the bedroom. When she opened the door, she saw Banta's naked body for the first time. Her eyes went up and down and, about midway, they stopped and stared.
She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
Banta, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
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[Oldposts] From: Shakthi (@ 203-*) on: Tue Sep 7 01:47:20 EDT 2004.
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A store called Husband Mart that sells husbands has just opened. A woman can go there and choose a husband from among many men. The store consists of 6 floors. As you open the door to any floor you can choose a man from that floor or choose to go up to the next floor.
But you cannot go back down to a previous floor, except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to Husband Mart to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" And up she goes again.
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[Oldposts] From: Shakthi (@ 203-*) on: Tue Sep 7 01:47:49 EDT 2004.
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(contd)
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"
And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day!
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[Oldposts] From: gurvinder (@ 61.0*) on: Thu Sep 16 12:05:30 EDT 2004.
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Teacher: "Dharti Gol hai ya Chapti"
student: Sir, Kapti
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[Oldposts] From: Suresh (@ ) on: Tue Oct 5 02:34:32.
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What is oposite to Area?
Ans : Iranguyaa
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[Oldposts] From: Hyderabadi (@ 203.*) on: Wed Oct 6 01:37:22 EDT 2004.
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Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and
wanted to go out and party. He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a
club & pick up some young girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look
after him. A little disappointed, Superman "SMS" Spiderman to see if he
fancied a few beers but Spiderman said he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see
if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on
the bed with her legs open and her eyes closed. Superman thought to
himself, "So exotic, should I or shouldn't I ...wait ...I'm faster than a
speeding bullet! I can be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what
happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies
off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said, "What is going on? Did you
hear anything ...?" Invisible-Man replied, "No! But....... my A**SS hurts
like hell!"
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[quote="HUB Oldposts"]
hey
that was a nice one ...a wicked and funny ... 
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Guess, I can start by posting something in my own thread.
8) . I love freaking out with these icons....ITS WONDERFUL.
And after this I gotta say, its TEST. plz ignore this post
Good luck all, I feel I am amidst a maze of confused threads hanging
everywhere. What happened to POETRY SECTION? To justify the purpose of this thread....heres a joke....
____
*DON'T Marry an AIRTEL woman ,she will touch u tommorow.
*DON'T Marry a HUTCH woman ,whereever u go her network follows u. *DON'T Marry an IDEA woman ,her idea will change u r life.
*DON'T Marry a TATA woman ,she will soon say you "TATA BYE".
*DON'T Marry a BSNL woman ,she had a network all over India.
*SO, its BEST to marry a RELIANCE woman BUY ONE GET ONE FREEEEEEEEEEEEE...
[/quote]
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Ayyo Shakthi, same side goal nyAyamA
Can you tell I am freaking out with these smilies too?!!
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A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis who women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the riches t woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show....
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Banta and his friend, Sandy, were living together. Sandy was more macho and Banta was more feminine.
Banta lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about it.
Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with him and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.
Elated Banta went home and smothered his chest in Vaseline.
When Sandy came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"
Banta explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner.
Finally, his partner said, "Don't you think if that was true that you would have a pony tail coming out of your a**ss by now?"
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The Men Strike Back!
(with apologies to all women!)
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beergut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.Since then, neither God nor
Man has rested.
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well Nov you're very lucky that those jokes were quite funny....i love why do men die before their wives one....hi-larious!
anyways let's hope you all have just as good a humour
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Q: Why did Moses wander the desert for fourty years?
A: He wouldn't ask for directions
my apologies as well

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hahaha Querida... that was really a good one. Still laughing
Specially that last one about Moses

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Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
hahahahaha!
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
At times, even the govt bonds mature faster
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
the ultimate truth-
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Do I need to say more?
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We can laugh too, ladies.
How else do you think we could have survived this long.
p/s: Where is Shekar when you need him. Hope his wife gives him a break soon.....
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@rakshasi
ur avatar does not look like a rakshas. its like some nice cute cartoon budy

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a.ratchasi you are free to point out if i am wrong...but Davie...if you saw how buttercup acts and feels in 'The PowerPuff Girls' you would agree that it is a most approp. avatar....watch it sometime....a.ratchasi i'm just glad your avatar isn't that spoiled brat princess

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Querida wrote: |
a.ratchasi you are free to point out if i am wrong...but Davie...if you saw how buttercup acts and feels in 'The PowerPuff Girls' you would agree that it is a most approp. avatar....watch it sometime....a.ratchasi i'm just glad your avatar isn't that spoiled brat princess  |
Querida, you got it right.
And yes, Bubbles IS annoying!!
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Querida,
Are you referring to my avatar? Didn't realise you have such a strong feeling againts her!
Anyway, sorry to disappoint U. As I told someone, I will keep changing my avatar from time to time......so, what do you want next, Bush or Saddam or OBL?
Anyway, let me see if I can find something that many people will HATE to see ....ha ha ha
Have a great day! I enjoy reading all your postings throughout the hub...
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Querida..........
Do you like Hobbes???
ta ta
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So all of you making fun at men and these guys laughing too!
Don't expect every one to be so tolerant
.We are in the process of ganging up and will come out with the worst of girlie jokes
.Be ready fior the Mars-Venus encounter
.You shouldn't go unpunished. 
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blahblah wrote: |
We are in the process of ganging up... |
I didnt take it as a versus thingy at all....
But then again, since you guys planned to 'gang up' to go against us.....hehehehe, I think we won hands down already!! 
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Allo everyone..
Something I read and don't know if U had too......
Enjoy!
A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.
While on vacation his mother-in-law dies.
An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Melbourne at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US$500.
The man says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance...
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No offense, please!!!!
1) On landing, a West Jet stewardess was heard to say "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you are going to leave
anything behind, please make sure it is something we would like to have."
(2) Also from a West Jet airline : "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover but there are only 4 ways out of this plane, so please pay
attention."
(3) On a lengthy evening Air Canada flight with a somewhat 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said "Ladies and Gentlemen,
we have reached the cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance
of your flight attendants."
(4) " Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."
(5) After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest Airline flight announced
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
(6) From a Southwest Airline flight crew member "Welcome aboard Soutwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the
metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you do not know how to operate it, you probably
should not be out in public un-supervised."
(7) In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with the child. F you are travelling with
more than one small child, please pick your favourite.
(8) The Captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds but
we will try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
(9) Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore and
feel free to take them home with our compliments."
(10) Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or other adults acting like children."
(11) As you exit the plane, please make sure that all your belongings are taken. Anything left behind will be distributed equally
amongst the flight attendants. Please do not leave behind children or spouses."
(12) From the pilot during his welcome message "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
13) Heard from a flight attendant on a WestJet flight just after a very hard landing in Edmonton, Alberta "That was quite a bump and I
know what you are all thinking However I am here to tell you that it was not the airline's fault, neither is it the Captain's fault nor the
flight attendant's fault - it was the asphalt."
(14) During the final approach on an American Airlines flight into Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Texas. Please
remain seated with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
(15) Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."
(16) A Canadian Airline pilot wrote in his journal a few years ago that on one particular flight due to strong crosswinds, he had
unfortunately hammered his ship onto the runway with a very hard greeting. The airline had a policy which required the first officer
on the flight to stand at the exit door while the passengers disembarked, to smile and repeat "Thanks for flying our airline." His
comments indicated that, in the light of the poor landing, he avoided eye contact with the passengers in an attempt to avoid any smart
comments that might result. Finally there was only one little old lady left to exit the plane. Walking slowly up the aisle with a cane,
she approached the First Officer and said "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?". The officer said "Why, no Ma'am. What is it?" She
then asked "Did we land or were we shot down just now?"
(17) After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Once the tyre smoke has cleared and
the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
(18) Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement "We would like to thank you folks for flying with us today. The next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you will think of US Airways."
(19) A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After reaching a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over
the intercom "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight No. 293, a non-stop flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a
smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH MY GOD !!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I had scared
you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee which ended up spilling on my lap. You
should see the front of my pants!" A passenger yelled "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
since you guys planned to 'gang up' to go against us.....hehehehe, I think we won hands down already!!  |
Oh Yeah!!!

-
If Men are like Government Bonds,............
"Women are like IncomeTax returns. !!!! "
So much of real worth of Vital Statistix is Hidden under what is not shown !! "
-
HaHaHa!HoHoHo!Great Hemantji,Come out with more !But some are different, they show off more than what they are worth.
-
Either way, it doesnt stop you guys from seeking us, or does it?
two for the ladies!!
-
NM wrote: |
Querida,
Are you referring to my avatar? Didn't realise you have such a strong feeling againts her! Anyway, sorry to disappoint U. As I told someone, I will keep changing my avatar from time to time......so, what do you want next, Bush or Saddam or OBL? Anyway, let me see if I can find something that many people will HATE to see ....ha ha ha
Have a great day! I enjoy reading all your postings throughout the hub... |
Dear NM if your avatar was bubbles then good..it was ratchasi who misunderstood and said bubbles...i actually meant the villaness named "Princess" the one who thinks she can pay to join the Powerpuff girls...for one u should not care in the least what my preferences are and secondly it's you avatar you do what you want with it...and thirdly yes i love that little kmart blue special stinker Calvin! Variety is good NM so NP (no problem)!
-
blahblah wrote: |
So all of you making fun at men and these guys laughing too! Don't expect every one to be so tolerant .We are in the process of ganging up and will come out with the worst of girlie jokes .Be ready fior the Mars-Venus encounter .You shouldn't go unpunished.  |
Blah blah your dear moderator Nov started this....and i just replied for fun...don't turn this into something embarrassing for all of us...though i have to admit Hemantji's joke was very witty
must you gang up....there is comedy and there is cowardly show of perversity..when selecting jokes i skipped over hurtful and inappropriate ones...you want to battle then dont stain my name as the cause is all i ask 
-
NM wrote: |
Querida..........
Do you like Hobbes???
ta ta |
yep yep love Hobbes as well..but like your need for variety better 
-
NM thank you for sharing those amusing announcements..that they were really made is more hi-larious! Im sure if everyone guys and gurls weren't so riled up to badger each other you surely would have gotten more compliments for your share of jokes!

-
Hi Querida.....
Thanks much for yr input......Me love Calvin n Hobbes....hee hee. Have a great weekend!!
NM
-
Querida,you certainly don't think I was serious,do you?
-I mean 'ganging up' and all the stuff!
-
NM, I didnt know your previous avatar was bubbles.
And yes, Querida is right , I did mistook it!
My humble apologies.
-
Hello Blah Blah,
Indian Incometax Department had come out with a scheme called,
"VOLUNTERY DISCLOSURE SCHEME" some years back.
This term is more appropriate to present day dresses
(I am not complaining).
Hiding real figures sometimes is more dangerous
than showing real figures.

-
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks,
training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to
2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get
the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test
took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be
serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man
for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a
gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.
"Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the
gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes,
then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in
his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her
to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test.
Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door
closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went
on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun
was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the ******* to death with the chair!"
-
A Poisonous Wife
A man goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously answers, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
-
Nov that was a hi-larious! I'll be sure to share it with friends...i've heard of the same variation of the joke with the typical three guys from this and that country and the third being the unpopular one....but seriously where are these men who love their wives so much...did the CIA have to finish them off to keep everything top secret???
Shekhar...hmmm i think the wife was using two kinds of poison one was the bottle kind....the other her tongue....still very funny 
-
Querida Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 10:25 pm Post subject:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NM thank you for sharing those amusing announcements..that they were really made is more hi-larious! Im sure if everyone guys and gurls weren't so riled up to badger each other you surely would have gotten more compliments for your share of jokes!
Dear Querida...
I don't know how I missed yr comments above!
Anyway, glad you found it hilarious...! I enjoyed it myself, too! Have more to come.....
Hv fun reading those..

-
Nov/ Shekhar ........
Thanks for the hilarious moments!!! Ha ha ha
Guys and gals...more fun...
Enjoy!
Two old ladies were having lunch at the Bowling Club.
One turns to the other asking, "Agnes, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full
of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?
Agnes says, " I feel just like a new born baby."
Rather amazed, her friend repeats her statement in the form of a question,
"Really? A new born baby???"
Yup", grins Agnes, "no teeth, no hair and I think I just peed my pants."
-
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is
so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six"
in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,shouts
right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
-
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me
at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
-
NM you deserve a big
i have heard the last two you posted...but the first one pure jokes!
you know the only thing that cheers me up about winter is calvin's tastefulness in the art of making snowmen!

-
NM wrote: |
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is
so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six"
in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,shouts
right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." |
NM that was a good one! I'm sure now he regrets why he ever called her 'Mother of Six' - poor man!
**********
SONU GOPI 
-
Embarassing moment.......
One day I was at the hospital, for a health check-up. There was very long queue and I had been there for a loooong time...more than 1 hour.
My bladder was full - I had drank lots of water earlier!!! In my hurry to empty my bladder, I rushed into a toilet, after glancing at the door (supposedly to check if I was entering the right one..!).
The toilet was empty (Thank God) and I saw something that was strange........the wall to my right had a few taps with running water on the wall (don't know how to describe this!). Anyway, as I was in a hurry, I rush into the toilet and emptied my bladder.
As I opened the door, I saw an Old man coming in !!!! He stared at me, his eyes were wide with shock! And I stared at him back, wondering what he was doing in this toilet!
As I walked out, I realized something was definately amiss, what with the running water on the wall and the Old man in the toilet....so, I turned back and checked the Main toilet door again and saw "GENTS" !!!!
Oh Oh Oh!!!!! Me, in my Salwar Kameez, had actually done my business in a GENTS!!! Oh Dear! Now I know why the stare and the water......ha ha ha! It was embarassing !! Bet that ole' man thought I was one of 'em in-betweens!!! Ha ha ha

-
Sonu Gopi...
Yeah...that was a good one, wasn't it?? One up for the woman...!! That man learnt a good lesson!!!
Querida/ Sonu Gopi...
Glad you're enjoying the jokes...more coming...! Ever heard of Phua Chu Kang's ?? Some crazy friends os mine sent a few to me, I need to dig my old mails to see if I still have 'em!!
Have a great day! [/quote]
-
hmmm NM i think all us ladies have been in that predicament...once i was visting St. Joseph's Cathedral in Montreal...and well the washroom doors were open so the signs were not visible..anyways i followed the woman infront of me and turned back when my sister called my name..i motioned that i was going to the loo and turned back....to see my unknowing guide had gone her way...well i stepped into the bathroom in front of me...and entered the long corridor...to the bathroom...there much to my horror was an old man....uhhhh just finishing up....well all i could say was "Oh My God!"....how appropriate huh? Before running out and blending into a group of ladies headed to the CORRECT loo...!

-
A man walks into a restaurant with an full-grown ostrich
behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich.
"What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the
waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man
reaches into his pocket
and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich
says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with
exact change.
This
becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter
again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have
a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says
the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That
will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his
pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her
curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always
come up with the exact change out of
your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
just put my hand in my
pocket, and the right amount of money would
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk
or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with
long legs who agrees with everything I say!"
-
NM wrote: |
Agnes says, " I feel just like a new born baby."
Rather amazed, her friend repeats her statement in the form of a question,
"Really? A new born baby???"
Yup", grins Agnes, "no teeth, no hair and I think I just peed my pants." |
Oh! my God
this is a hilarious way of heading towards second childhood.... can't stop laughing.
********
SONU GOPI

-
ratchasi...i have heard a less innocent ending to your lamp joke...think 10-inch pianist....

-
heard that one too!

-
This is another........but also a silent reminder that we sometimes overlook what's right there (not there!!) in front of our eyes!!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent !!"
-
Wonder if you all have read this before...still makes me laugh!!
Children's Science Exam Answers
These are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand,
dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity
contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

-
A married couple is driving along a highway doing steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60 mph.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
Never underestimate how a woman thinks.
-
NM wrote: |
This is another........but also a silent reminder that we sometimes overlook what's right there (not there!!) in front of our eyes!!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent !!" |
that was actually voted best joke of the millenium by a international comedy organization based in britain
-
@ NM and NOV thank you for further brightnening up my day with your jokes...!!!
-
NOV,
That was a gooooood one!!!
Querida...
Didn't know that joke received the award!!!!!!

-
Glimpses Of Indian Culture…
GOANS
One Goan is Remo Fernandes.
Two Goans is a Feni distillery.
Three Goans is a football club.
Four Goans is an all-night-long beach party.
MALAYALEES
One Malayalee is a narial-pani shop.
Two Malayalees is a boat race.
Three Malayalees is a Gulf job racket.
Four Malayalees is an oil slick.
TAMILIANS
One Tamilian is a fugitive sandalwood smuggler.
Two Tamilians is a suicide-bomb squad.
Three Tamilians is a classical music school.
Four Tamilians is a Jayalalitha fan club.
ANDHRAITES
One Andhraite is a cycle-rickshaw driver.
Two Andhraites is a spice shop.
Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites is the Telugu film industry.
BENGALIS
One Bengali is a rosagulla shop.
Two Bengalis is a black-and-white movie.
Three Bengalis is a Mohun Bagan support group.
Four Bengalis is a Marxist movement.
RAJASTHANIS
One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller.
Two Rajasthanis is a mason.
Three Rajasthanis is a puppet show.
Four Rajasthanis is a folk dance-drama.
MANGALOREANS
One Mangalorean is a supari seller.
Two Mangaloreans can't stand one another.
Three Mangaloreans is an Udupi restaurant.
Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani Sabha.
BOMBAYITES
One Bombayite is a hawker.
Two Bombayites is a film industry.
Three Bombayites is a slum.
Four Bombayites is the rush-hour train crowd.
MAHARASHTRIANS
One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor.
Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi match.
Three Maharashtrians is a Ganpati procession.
Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha.
GUJARATIS
One Gujarati is a share broker in a Mumbai train.
Two Gujaratis is the total chatter in a Mumbai train.
Three Gujaratis is a rummy game in a Mumbai train.
Four Gujaratis is a dandiya-raas session all night long.
KUTCHIES
One Kutchi is a kirana shop.
Two Kutchis is a stationery shop.
Three Kutchis is a saree shop.
Four Kutchis is the entire Bombay retail trade.
SARDARJIS
One Sardarji is a truck-driver.
Two Sardarjis is a roadside dhaba.
Three Sardarjis is a raagi jatha for kirtan.
Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes.
SINDHIS
One Sindhi is a currency racket.
Two Sindhis is a papad factory.
Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop.
Four Sindhis is big show-off parties (yeech!).
BIHARIS
One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis is a caste killing.
Four Biharis is the total literate population of the state.
BHAIYYAS
One Bhaiyya( U.P. Wala) is a milkman.
Two Bhaiyyas is a chanawala (or panipuri wala).
Three Bhaiyyas is a temple-destruction squad.
Four Bhaiyyas is a halwai shop.
(And 12 Bhaiyyas is one SMALL family).
KASHMIRIS
One Kashmiri is a boatman.
Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris is a tourist agency.
Four Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit.
KANNADIGAS
One Kannadiga is a coffee estate.
Two Kannadigas is a Udupi restaurant.
Three Kannadigas is a pepper powder factory.
Four Kannadigas is an anti-Cauvery squad.
PUNJABIS
One Punjabi is chhole-bathure 5 times a week.
Two Punjabis is one bottle of whisky in one night.
Three Punjabis is a public fist-fight.
Four Punjabis is 200 kg of excess weight.
PARSIS
One Parsi is a sentence punctuated with BCs and MCs.
Two Parsis is a doctor and a lawyer.
Three Parsis is a 75-year-old man and his two unmarried sisters.
Four Parsis is half their remaining population.
-
What was funny about that was that i didn't get it...and yet let me glimpse into narrowminded stereotypes...hopefully it's funnier to others...
-
Cindy,
When I read it I tried very hard to understand it...but.....
Anyway, no offense to anyone, but, Querida, if it had ended this way, to sum up for the Indians, guess it would've have been funny...hee hee hee....
.......
One Indian is a HUMAN
Two Indians is a FAMILY
Three Indians is a GOSSIP
Four Indians is WAR
More and more Indians is NANDU in a huge basket!!!
Am keeping my fingers crossed that I don't get that dream of yours (Querida) coming true for saying what I think....
-
ohhhh NM you read that....(sigh) i thought hubbers would think i went off the deep end for good so deleted it
anyways hahaha yeah urs was funny....if you dreamed that i was going to reply that i think you owe me back the tears you made me shed from laughing too much then happy deja-vu to you too

-
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
it's strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. Miss Bea," he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through Darlinghurst Park a few months ago and I found this
little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease.
And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."
-
ayyo chee!
@ Rathchasi....still you got to admit it was funny 
-
Hai Folks,
Its really funny...
Read with proper tone and accent.....
T.R's Poem on Danush / Ishwarya wedding
Yei Aishu
Ungappa Jayava pidicharu Kakka
Nee en payanukku koduthitta Dekka
Dhanusha thallikittu poitta shokka
Nalu nala en payan kedakkan Seeka
Dhanush kaiyalla nee kattikitta Thali
En payan mella nee vacha love poli
Un Vazhkaiyilla inimae dailyum holi
En payan vazhkai mothama galli
Dhanushoda nee pottuta pudhu Quote
En payana nee vittuta jute
Mari poittiyedi route
Ozhigha Dhanush-Ishwarya Kootu
Eppavumae super en simbu
Dhanushukku irukka rendu kombu
Vachikkadha enghakitta vambu
Dhanush munji oru udanja sombu
-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
it's strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. Miss Bea," he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through Darlinghurst Park a few months ago and I found this
little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease.
And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter." |
good one. i enjoyed it. i guess the bea shouldve been innocent/sweet lik u
-
krishnan wrote: |
H,
Yei Aishu
Dhanush munji oru udanja sombu |
lol. no karuvadu
querida just five more and ur there
-
Ratchashi,
good one. 
-
Here is one.
A guy dies, Lets call him bob, and he's waiting in line to get to heaven. A man lets call him Tim, with a big book in his hand, stands @ the gateway that leads into heaven. There are a couple guys in front of bob in line. Tim askes the first guy.
"How many times have you cheated on your wife."
1st guy: 3 times.
Tim hands him a Ford, with flat tires, and bullet holes in the windshield, and says,
"this is what you have to trael around hevean in, for you small sins."
The next guy, Tim askes teh same question.
and the guy says, 5 Times. Tim pulls out a Motor Bike, with flat tires also, and only one brake works and says the same.
Bob goes to Tim and Tim askes the same question. Bob says, Never. Tim looks through his big book, and finds out that BOB isn't lying. So he applauds him and gives him a brand new Porche.
So one-day, bob in driving around heaven in his Porche, and he see's his wife walking.
If you don't get it, its not funny, when its explained.
Regards.
8)
-
Surya wrote: |
So one-day, bob in driving around heaven in his Porche, and he see's his wife walking.
|
With whom? With Tim?
You should be happy you are driving alone. Taking your wife to heaven is the worst thing that could happen to you - make the heaven a hell?
BTW, it is Porsche and not Porche, excuse me please!
-
/////You should be happy you are driving alone. Taking your wife to heaven is the worst thing that could happen to you - make the heaven a hell? ////

-
[quote="Bad Boy"]
Surya wrote: |
So one-day, bob in driving around heaven in his Porche, and he see's his wife walking.
|
With whom? With Tim?
quote]
No walking as in she cheaten on him so many times that she didn't even desearve the bad car or motorcycle.
Told you its not funny when explained.
Later.
8)
-
A woman in her early 90s consults a doctor and wants to be infected with AIDS.
Why do you want to be infected? asked her doctor.
I want to pass the 100. With AIDS you can survive atleast ten years she said
-

-
A German, a French and an African dining in a fine Restaurant.
The African was very fond of chewing the bones and left the potaoes aside.
German: What do your Dogs eat in Africa?
African: Potatoes
-
Surya that was real good! Makes up for your A-row B-row joke
ok i have one...
Ben and Jill had been happily married for 50 years, their secret to a happy marriage was a drawer where whatever they kept in the drawer was not ever seen by the other....well on their 51st anniversary...Ben thought heck it's been so many years it's now or never to see what's in that drawer of hers...so while his wife was out shopping he peeked in the drawer. What he saw was a single egg and $5000.
He thought to himself oh what have i done, i should be ashamed of myself...i will tell her what i did when she comes back.
Later in the day, Ben finally worked up the courage to tell his wife what he did.
-Jill im so sorry but i looked in your secret drawer, can you ever forgive me?
-Ben what you did was wrong but it's ok.
-Well then Jill can you tell me why you keep an egg in your drawer
-Well Ben i promised myself when we got married that if I ever cheated on you i would place an egg in the drawer, to remind me always of my infidelity.
-So in all the years we've been married you have only cheated on me once! Oh i am so lucky to have such a wife as dedicated as you!
-that is so very good of you Ben
-hey just wondering how long did it take you to save up $5000?
-Well Ben that's from all the eggs i sold....

-
Bad Boy wrote: |
A German, a French and an African dining in a fine Restaurant.
The African was very fond of chewing the bones and left the potaoes aside.
German: What do your Dogs eat in Africa?
African: Potatoes |
sorry i dont get it what about the french man?
-
@ Querida's joke.
Yeah I didn't really get the one with the french guy either. 
-
Poor guy that Ben. What is in your drawer Querida
? NIce one.
Querida wrote: |
sorry i dont get it what about the french man? |
this is a kind of rasistic joke. German and French white people, well educated, 1st world ... thinking Africans, 3rd world, no manner, comming from the bush. This afrcan could have been an Indian too. Does not matter where they are from. White think they are superior. The african chews on the bones because it is tasty. I like it too. When my mom cooks she thinks of me always and I get always the bones and our dog the flesh. No, really it is tasty just to chew it, not eat it.
This is compareable with us indians using fingers and europeans use forke or spoon.
-
Funny jokes mamu.

-
illaya.....bboy go back and read the where you posted the joke....i understand the joke and it was good...but i think you forgot to mention what the french guy said in the context of the joke...thats all the punch line was loud and clearly funny
-
Nice Movie lines Ghilli!
The movie was great as well!
I laughed so hard when Prakash Raj says Chellam...i love you da!!!
-
I love you da. Chellam, Va di, yen rasathi, va ma chellam, va ma, VAADI!!!!!
and appo than namma thalaivar vandhu 'all india super skinny Jigidi association Thalaivi' Trisha va kaapathuvaru. Super Scene. 
-
Nice new Avatar Q!
Ghilli was a pretty good movie, I loved the music, and the background score. My fav is when Vijay is trying to get Trisha out of madhurai and they go inside a garden, and Trisha and Vijay fall down and roll down a hill. And Trisha says "please leave, don't risk your life for me. etc.
And vijay says,
I don't just walk away abondoning what i"ve started, etc. and he opens his palm and trisha looks at him. This is my fav scene because the background score goes like this during this second. "Aachu.....Gumchu." which was pretty nice. 
-
///'all india super skinny Jigidi association Thalaivi' Trisha ////

-
Ghilli,
Introduce yourself @ the getting to know you thread.
Reagards. 8)
-
Well.......... I love of limmericks...the following is my all time favourite.
There was a girl from Pratt,
She had three sons..Nat, Pat and Tat.
Breeding was easy but feeding got tough,
Because she couldn't find "Tit For Tat". 
-
Querida,
could it be you belong to our unique, kind and warring coaliton?
Something in me says so but your German disturbs me a bit. There was a viNmIn of old hub tried to fool me with German from the translator. He wrote about my "mater Hund". he spoke of Bettina as my mating dog. "mater" does not exists in German.
-
Hemant Trivedi wrote: |
There was a girl from Pratt,
She had three sons..Nat, Pat and Tat.
Breeding was easy but feeding got tough,
Because she couldn't find "Tit For Tat".  |
Fantastic, ROTFL

-
Bad Boy wrote: |
Querida,
could it be you belong to our unique, kind and warring coaliton?
Something in me says so but your German disturbs me a bit. There was a viNmIn of old hub tried to fool me with German from the translator. He wrote about my "mater Hund". he spoke of Bettina as my mating dog. "mater" does not exists in German. |
I'm sorry Badboy...this is the first time i am active in this hub...before i felt it was over my head...and most of the replies didn't help the topic..anyways...i didn't use a translator...it was just my jumbled memory from what i remembered from classes..nowadays i find myself mixing up my spanish and italian as well...since they are close...especially the accent....translaters are useless...four in french i gives your four, for and oven. Hmmm well it was exactly those kind of posts that steered me away from the earlier hub...that and everyone already seemed so established and know each other too..neways i hope you gave that one an apt reply!
-
I like your style ... I don't know why...must be the hidden blows in there...your humour i suppose make me feel familiar then...very good you are here... I smile while I go through your "pissings"
My Manneken Piss avatar became a victim of the hub moderator... I posted him and Admin a little bit of sight seeing info, if ever they come to Europe that will help them to organize their tour
I also told them I intend to come as the German Panzer... that is for me the same as this threatning sharp pike like knife like weapon.
Anyway, we'll leave these ad-mods beside and talk now about learning languages. If you are learning Italian or Spanish then you almost automatically speak portugese too.
-
actually portguese is quite a different language before it was spanish-influenced...i can see this in SL tamil because a lot of the words we use came from the portuguese but the words now have changed and you can only find the trace in spanish words
like sappathu -shoes
zapatos
almari
almirah
kusini
cucina
and so on..but have not pursued portuguese...now just trying to polish my reading skills in tamil...
well it's nice to know a promient hubber who appreciates dark humour as much as me finds my posting the least bit amusing
-
Querida wrote: |
actually portguese is quite a different language before it was spanish-influenced...i can see this in SL tamil because a lot of the words we use came from the portuguese but the words now have changed and you can only find the trace in spanish words
like sappathu -shoes
zapatos
almari
almirah
kusini
cucina
and so on..but have not pursued portuguese...now just trying to polish my reading skills in tamil...
well it's nice to know a promient hubber who appreciates dark humour as much as me finds my posting the least bit amusing |
Regarding almira:
When I first used this in our English class in Germany, my teacher asked what it means. from that day I only use wardrobe because he proved me wrong by it is not Oxford-English. Then after a week or two he said he has problems to understand my SL-English though, its funny my school mates had no problems to understand my SL-English, even my former English teachers never said they don't understand me. I quit English as a major subject and followed the class led by an real American Mr. Reed. After that I stoped leanring or practising english at all. Now I've got the German pronounciation, who cares.
Paan is a typical word common to ITA, ESP and POR.
Kakkuus, i guess comes from Dutch. In German Kacke means Scheisse(D) haus is house, in Dutch huus(?) and Kack the same. --> Scheisshaus or kack-huus.
Are you from SL? Me yes, Jaffna.
Regarding the humour, I hope you don't feel hard here to dance. I have massive problems with moderators and administrators. They think I attack them with every single letter I type. So I also copied Surya and posted only emoticons, but that did not help either. What to do? Now I also have to take care of a new avatar. Perhaps the inexisting smoking twin towers? Is it already demolished or is it still collapsing? 
-
yeah i had that same problem...but i couldn't pursue french at that age so i stuck to english..that and i stubbornly debate my use of words..like when i used singlet..which maybe used alot by SL english..but still is an english word..my kindergarten teacher said that i was confusing the two languages...but later she said she asked a british friend and found she was wrong...so what german accent...i hate this thing where brit accent is so upheld...and american accent is so annoying...i am still pursuing english...hey i was wondering about that word...thanx
yes u are right about paan...
actually i remember one incident in kindergarten where i asked to borrow a rubber...meaning an eraser...and i was told not say that but eraser...im just glad i did not ask the same thing now...i definitly would have been handed something
hmmm well parents were born in Jaffna....still feels ties to there...but also to Malaysia where i was born...i dont belong fully belong to either...everyone picks that out so easily...one group ohhh i see how you are like the other...so yeah...
Puhleese the twin towers have become a bloody tourist site...not only do they cry over tragedy they make an utter spectacle of it too...oooooh mommmy can we take a pic infront of rubble and unidentified body parts?
-
hi hi hi...seems like i have missed the fun during the weekend!!
It is the darn first week of the month, time for the dreaded REeeeeeeeeeportssss!
And guys, Miss Bea was the first mail that I read at 7:55am that day and my day throughout was great...thanks to the early morning humour!!
Anyways, nice to meet you Ghilli!
-
HER DIARY (19 lines)
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply
smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he
didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.
He seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed.
About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I
decided to confront him with the situation but he had
fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone
else.
Oh, God...why me??
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY (2 lines)
Today Manchester United lost to Arsenal.
DAMN IT. &U^$%%^#$#&^* !!!!!!!!
-
A company, feeling it was time for a shape up, hires a
new CEO. The new CEO is determined to rid the company
of all unproductive workers. On a tour of the
facilities, the CEO notices a young chap leaning on a wall and
relaxing. The room is full of workers who were busy
working, except for this guy. The CEO decides to let his
staff know that he means business! The CEO walks up to
the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a
week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and
replies, "I make $300.00 a week.........Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams,
"Here's two weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come
back!".
Surprised and in fear, the guy immediately leaves.
Feeling pretty good about having fired his first worker,
the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone
want to tell me which department| that worker belonged
to?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers
mutters, "He was the Pizza Delivery guy from Domino's."
-
Nov
both were just fun-tastic...
anything more??
-
Are you sure you want the whole lot in one day Cindy?
Ok, here are some short ones to whet your appetite.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's
funeral, she stepped in to see you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, "Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?"
"Course not," replied the Sheriff. "We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you."
-
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all
have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes
the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front
row, raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake?"
-
Nov and Krishnan thank you for those great jokes...i needed those especially the weather outside is not funny at all...so i have gotten some sunny laughs within this dreary white bleakness

-
Here's one. Some may not like it though.
Its about a guy named Dave.
There once was a surfer named Dave.
One day he found a dead whore on a wave.
She smelled like Sh*t and was missing a Tit, but hey, think about the money he saved.
Sorry if its too *green* guys.
Regards. 
-
WOW!
More people hate it then I thought.
Regards.
8)
-
Green? You mean innocent? I dont think so...if you meant it made one feel green as in throwing up then yeah...just too overboard ya...

-
Querida wrote: |
Green? You mean innocent? I dont think so...if you meant it made one feel green as in throwing up then yeah...just too overboard ya...  |
No, green as in Pachai. But yeah, I thought it might be when I wrote it.
-
I was quiet discusted when I first heard these kind of jokes also, but after a few years in America, I got used to it. I think that its mainly young American guys who find these jokes funny.
Anywayz, just testing the stomach of the Hubbers.
Regards
8)
-
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
>
> hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death
> experience.
>
> Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you
>
> have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."
>
> Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
>
> face-lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. Since she had so much more
>
> time to live, she figured she might as well look nicer.
>
> After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
>
> crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an
>
> ambulance.
>
> Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
>
> another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that
>
> ambulance?"
>
> God replied,
>
> "GirrLLLLLL..., I didn't even recognize you!"
-
Christmas Cookies
Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
1 cup of water lemon juice
1 tsp baking soda 4 large eggs
1 cup of sugar 1 cup nuts
1 tsp salt 2 cups of dried fruit 1 cup of brown sugar
1 bottle Jack Daniel's Whiskey
Sample the Jack Daniel's to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
Jack Daniel's again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one
level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to
make sure the Jack Daniel's is still OK, try another cup ...just in
case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on
the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it
loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Jack Daniel's to check for
tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check
the Jack Daniel's. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add
one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish
the Dack Janiels and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS
-
Q & Rathchachi,
Good ones. 
-
ha ha ha ha ha .....
Ratchasi... that was uproarious!!!!!!
-
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups.
The doctor asked the first woman, "In what position was the baby conceived?"
"He was on top," she replied.
"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top," was the reply.
"You will have a baby girl." said the doctor.
With this, Jeeto, Santa's wife burst into tears.
"What's the matter?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies?"
-
A Sardar is walking along the pavement of a busy road. There is a manhole in the middle of the narrow pavement. Passersby suddenly
notice a girl fallling into the open manhole. People scream in horror to
other passersby. Suddenly in the melee, people find rthe sardar in the same manhole liftting the girl with his arms .With a help of member sof the public both are hauled out and placed on the pavement. Suddenly a passerby notices the Sardar looking frantically in different
directions. The curious passerby asks " Hey Sardar who are you searching for" . Sardar replies" Arre bhai I am looking for the saala who pushed me in to the manhole"

-
News Update of the Hour
======================
* No bombings in Kashmir today
* India wins Cricket match; 120 people die of shock
* Bihar sold to Pakistan; Resulted In an unrelated incident
Literacy soars up to 86% in India
* Self-immolation best bet to reduce population: Dept. of Family
Planning.
* Population Statistics: 42% - Literate, 58% - Politicians
* MF Hussian paints Mulayam Singh Yadav nude
* Flood in Bihar; 2 die of thirst
* India wins Gold in India versus Rest Of India Games
* Poverty to be eradicated in India using Virtual Reality Software
* Laloo to be made National Animal
* Freedom Fighters to be lathi-charged to commomerate 50 years of
Independence.
* Ramar Pillai produces Pottasium Permanganate from Rice, Water, a
stick and some Pottasium Permanganate
* Suit filed holding Rao responsible for Battle of Panipat, 1526
* Ray of hope for India as Ravi Shastri retires
* Doctorate conferred on Jayalalitha for completing 2 months in
Jail

-
great news Davie...hmmm you didn't paint your eyecatching avatar all by yourself now did you? 
-
Two suicide bombers Hassan and Ali on their way to fulfill their mission. Each of them equipped with a backpack and explosive-belt.
Ali, you are so careless man, take care of your backpack. The bomb may explode unexpected.
Hassan, that does not matter. If my backpack explodes then I have still got my explosives-belt.
-
pure jokes @ BBoy!
-
A rabbit hops into a hardware store and approaches the store clerk:
'excuse me sir, do you have any carrots?'
'no we don't now go away'
five minutes later he returns:
'excuse me sir, do you have any carrots?'
'no what did i tell you last time? This is a hardware store no carrots!"
an hour later the rabbit returns again:
'excuse me sir, do you have any carrots?'
'no!!! We sell hardware! Next time you come here im gonna rip you a new airhole with a screwdriver!'
for the next two days nothing
then on the third day the rabbit returns:
'excuse me sir, do you have any screwdrivers?'
'uhhh no we're all out..."
'then sir, do you have any carrots?'

-
Good one Querida
-
I sure got a screw driver! A really big one! LOL@Querida
OVER 16 ONLY
A horny pair enjoying their habbit under a tree.
Suddenly the lady saw a boy watching them making love and screamed " A Boy, a Boy, Goaaad a Boy"
Her lover replied "I'm trying! I'm trying"
(a very old one, i heard it first when I was 10 or 11 and I did not understand it that time about 30 years ago mid 70s)
-
Bad Boy wrote: |
OVER 16 ONLY
|
whoa i wasn't even thought of in the 70s
anyways it's gotten so bad nowadays that age restriction has got to be way lower..que lastima...what a shame 
-
Where Are We?
An Icelander, an Australian, and an Indian are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the plane.
The Icelander sticks his hand out and says "We are in Iceland". The others ask, "How do you know?",
the Icelander says, "because it's so cold".
Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Australia",
the others ask "How do you know?",
he replies "because it's so hot".
Then the Indian sticks his hand out and back in. He says " We are in India", the others ask "How do you know?",
he says " because my watch in gone".

-
Child's Prayer
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW PLAYSTATION...I PRAY FOR A NEW CD PLAYER..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
-
A Few Days Off
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.
"How?" asked the second worker.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.
Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.
"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"
"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.
The second worker was hot on his heels.
"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.
"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."
-
Things We Learned From Indian Movies
*A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
*Cars that crash will invariably burst into flames.
*Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
*If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
*A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
*All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
*When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
*When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
*One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
*Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of an invading alien civilization.
*All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
*Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
*When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
*If you are a hero, you never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by your actions.
*Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
*Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before retirement.
*The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
-
Harry Callahan: Well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the sob. That's my policy. 8)
The Mayor: Intent? How did you establish that?
Harry Callahan: When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher's knife, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross! 
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WOOLGATHERERS (from giant book of insults)
He took his wife instead of the secretary to the dinner
He slammed his wife and kissed the door
He picked up a snake and hit the stick
He poured ketchup on his shoelaces and tied knots in his spaghetti
At her wedding he told her courage how lovely it looked, and threw her bridemaid down the stairs
He dictated to his cigar and got his secretary lit.

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Hey hey hey people,
a joke per day keeps the doctor away but what if there are more than one joke a day? More doctors treating you?
Querida,
ROTFL
My grandma was not deaf but poor! 
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Bad Boy wrote: |
My grandma was not deaf but poor!  |
grandparents spoiling grandchildren is more of a western ideal...my grandma was so strict and stern i was learning etiquette rather than getting gifts...but well i kinda forget... 
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Here's one:
Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.
But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."
"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
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Surya! Im shocked!! Not really
i've heard the first one before...i dont if this is a good thing or a bad thing that you found your joke book

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Because the jokies are 16 or above?
I'll try to post some PG-13 Jokes, if not PG. G rated jokes are too bland. 
-
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look
at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem
Can there be greater than this one?
-
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries
or troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.
-
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me
to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
-
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if
my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied
Sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
Stress Reliever # 5
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
-
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans,"
said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
-
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
-
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
-
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty
face or my beautiful figure? He looked at her from head to toe and
replied: I like your sense of humor.
-
continue.
-
Excellent! hydrabadi!!
In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
-
Guys, pls refrain from posting adult jokes in the thread... Though its only for fun, it would offend some hubbers.. .hope u understand... Thanks
-
Ok Thiru,
Sorry about that. 
-
Wife:
What do you like better? My beautiful face, or my Slim Body?
Husband looks at her up and down, and says:
I like your sense of Humor.
-
Hey Surya I've heard that one before..here from old posts...
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell
you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me
one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie , then looked at his
peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to
a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he
called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then
opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He
sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a
response.
Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586
sheep." "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into
his car. Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my sheep?" "OK, why not." answered
the young man.
"Clearly, you are a IT Consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct,"
says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required."
answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you.
You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never
asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my
dog."
-

-
Q,

-
A young couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. They decided to pull over and park and have some fun.
Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.
"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed at being caught said yes and apologized.
"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."
So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behaviour. After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for.
He responded, "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"
-
A fellow was dating a girl and the first time he went to her parents home she took him into the den where all her father's hunting trophies were displayed. There were deer antlers and bear heads all over the walls.
The fellow said, "Your father must be quite a hunter!"
Then he said, "What are those two round white things on the mantle?"
She said, "Those are daddy's golf balls."
About a week later the fellow was at her house again and he saw 4 round white things on the mantle, and said, "I see your daddy must have shot another golf."
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Surya,
get rid of your avatar!
Don't cause trouble here!
We all know that you have finshed your school so we expect a little bit less stupidity in the future.
What would you do if I picture my greatest weapon between my legs and post it here? Turning red or horny? That won't be tolerated either. I don't want to see your sharp pecker here!
Moderators, Please take care!
-
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
-
Badboy,
It all depends on how you look at it. You always have interesting ways of looking at things.
That is just a picture of the actor Arjun in the Tamil Movie "Giri" I know that you've gone far away from tamil culture, so you wouldn't understand anything. Just stick to yourself and don't bother other people with your perversions.
Regards. 8)
-
@ NOV
-
Surya wrote: |
 |
oh did i offend you Surya? I'm Sorry...i didnt meant to at all...i didnt even know you were in IT...
-
First-year students at Medical School were receiving
their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the
body covered with a white sheet.The professor started
the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor :
The first is that you are not disgusted by anything
involving the human body." For an example, the
professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in
the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in
his mouth."Go ahead and do the same thing," he told
his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger
in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them
calmly and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I
stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index
finger.Now learn to pay attention......
-
A district minister arrived one Sunday morning in a small rural town. The local minister asked the district minister to help with a local problem.
"Everyone here thinks they are just perfect!" said the local minister. "Could you preach a sermon that will bring them back to their senses?
The district minister was a gifted speaker, eloquent with words and knowledgeable about the Scripture. He spoke for nearly an hour, convincing everyone that they too were sinners. Finally, the district minister was sure he had set everyone straight.
To reaffirm that they were all thinking alike, the district minister finally asked, "Is there anyone here who thinks they are perfect?"
Everyone was looking at the floor, thinking quietly. Slowly, one man in the back stood up.
The district minister asked the man, "And why do you stand, sir?"
The man said, "I am not perfect, but I am standing in memory of my wife's first husband who was."
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Calling all math's genius to try this....and prove the logic...
The mum is 21 years older than the child.
In 6 years from now the mum will be 5 times as old as the child.
Question :
Where's the father?
Try first, before you check the answer below!
Solution :
The mum is 21 years older than the child.
M = C + 21
In 6 years from now the mum will be 5 times as old as the child.
M + 6 = (C + 6) x 5
Hence,
C + 21 + 6 = (C + 6) x 5
C + 27 = 5C + 30
3 = 4C
C = -3/4
The child is -3/4 years old, it'll be born in 9 months.
So right now, the father is on top of the mother
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Surya wrote this
Badboy,
It all depends on how you look at it. You always have interesting ways of looking at things.
That is just a picture of the actor Arjun in the Tamil Movie \"Giri\" I know that you\'ve gone far away from tamil culture, so you wouldn\'t understand anything. Just stick to yourself and don\'t bother other people with your perversions.
Regards. 8)
[blue]You must be that much inverted to call my deeds and words as perversions. Is it a new word for you, where do you came across. Let me tell you one thing as I am old enough I don\'t let me advice from a greenhorn who writes \"nice post\", \"I agree\", .... making the use of emoticons inflationary.
Ok, and don\'t make waves with your weapons here. What do you think, if you only can, would happen when I again start to make trouble? It is impossible to ban me. Admods and Moderators have realized that or I made them accept this fact. Get it into your verminized grey cells: I can even get you out of here! The Manneken Piss is a landmark in Belgium but it was removed forcibly and I won\'t hesitate to annoy the hub once again if you remain sticking to your weapons.
So first bother your business in your Gay Area you vermin in the US.[/blue]
I am quite sure the Moderators will understand my point as they are not interested in having too much work.
Now a thought crosses my mind! I have a very nice one. That will explode this Hub! Who was this murdering \'holy\' priest. I saw him wearing a pair of wonderful Bangles arround his wrists. Are they hand cuffs? Why don\'t you collect money and make golden hand cuffs?
-
Terroist BB,
I do make posts such as "I agree" and "Nice Posts" because I agree with them, and don't shoot off my mouth with anyone and everyone in the hub like a rabid dog like some people.
Wow,
Nice threats!
But let me point out that you're not the only person who can sneak inside the hub with proxy servers, and circumvent the IP banning concequence. I can just as easily do that too. It's impossible to ban anyone completly from the HUB. But that's the difference between you and me. I would rather not do something like that. You come to the HUB to create trouble, and use it as a outlet for your homosexual perversions about the San Francisco. I come here to Socialize and interact with fellow hubbers. So keep your threats to yourself you transvestite terrorist in Europe.
-
Querida,
Guys,
Lets not get off the topic here, and continue with the jokes.
Regards. 8)
-
ok. here is one
A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll
in the fields when they came across a cow and a
calf rubbing noses.
"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to
do the same."
"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."
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HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
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NEVER ARGUE WITH OLD MAN
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors; green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and made lovewith a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."
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Akash!!!
Hilarious man!!

-
Hi Querida, Akash, Hydrabadi, Surya, Bad Boy, NOV, Cindy and all others, THANK YOU for all the jokes ....I have really enjoyed reading all of them, even though I hv been silent for a few weks now..... my fingers were itchy today, so, decided to come in and load a few jokes.........
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!!
Here goes...
Joke 1.
A guy (Muthu), wanna to get marry in few days time, so he decided to seek fortune teller's (Josiyakarer) advice.
Josiyakarer: Errmm.., ningel intha pennei kalyanum pannal, oru DHOSAM pogividum.
Muthu:
Hare Wah, athu nalla visuyum than!, Anyway, athu entha
DHOSAM? Naaga dhosam ma? Sevvai dhosam ma?
Josiyakarer: sanDHOSAM!
Muthu: $#%$^%&#!!
Joke 2:
Rajini: Naalu 'T', Oru 'G' vachchu, oru English word sollunga
Kamal: (After thinking for a while!) Therila...neengalae sollunga!
Rajini: Originality. (Oru 'g' naalu 't')
Joke 3:
Question: What is a pressure cooker called in Japanese ?
Answer: "Vegumo Vekkatho"
Joke 4:
What would be the BEST name for the building, that Tamilian and Japanese build together?
Answer : "Nikkumo Nikkadho"
Joke 5:
Question: Vengaya kadai karanga ellam sangam vachcha enna peyar vaippanga?
Answer: Onion Union
Joke 6:
A standard one boy is sitting in the examination hall to write his first Exam. Suddenly he took off his clothes and began to write by only wearing his
underwear.
The teacher puzzled of what he is doing and asked why he is doing like that?.
The boy showed the Question Paper's Instruction "EXPLAIN IN BRIEF".
Joke 7:
James Bond vs Indian Guy.
Once, James Bond and an Indian guy were flying together, seated next to each other.
Indian Guy: "Hello, May I know your name please?"
James Bond: "I am Bond...James Bond."
James Bond: "And you?"
Indian Guy: "I am Sai... Venkata Sai... Siva Venkata Sai... Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.... Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata
Sai...Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai... Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Vvenkata Sai
..Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai."
James Bond collapses.
Joke 8:
A giant panda enters a restaurant and orders food. After eating, the panda takes a gun from its bag and starts shooting all over the place.
The stunned manager stops the leaving panda and asks it why it had to do such a thing. The panda says, "I am panda! I am supposed to do this! " and
leaves.
The confused manager finds a dictionaryand scrambles for the page and looks up at the entry for panda.
It says, " Panda: A tree-dwelling asian mammal with white markings on the body. Eats shoots and leaves "
-
How obout this joke:
a family of tomatoes are walking down the street. the baby tomato trips and falls down so the biggest tomatoe stomps on him and saeys ketchup!
Its from pulp Fiction 
-
Good jokes.
Looks like the oru"g"naalu"t" has gotten quite popular. 
-
NEW EMPLOYEE
A man joined a big multinational Company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee,quickly!" .....
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee and hung up the phone.
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God 'Grand' Father - Y does Italians need Guns??
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, so he calls his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
"You liste to me. Some day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini. Am I right?"
"Yes grandpa, I guess so."
"Ok, so soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whada you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say, TIMES UP!"
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oooh thanx y'all for making my happy holidaze hilarious! Akash pure jokes....no more sonic
love that trainee one! NM glad you're back! Thank for the laffs..and Hyderabadi again what to say but come more often! And Surya..did you turn the other cheek? So no
anymore good
sooo that means more IT jokes just kidding...maybe

-
Akash that is a funny one

-
Querida, I was just checking the Avatars.. I always have our Favourite Sonic!! you know, i tried hard to get that Gif
Then Surya, NM, Querida, Rajini4ever and all... its nice to hear you guys like these Instant Jokes... Here comes one more!!
Never Insult Anyone
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LAwhen the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of ese are you?"Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, nowirritated, Then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you aChinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???
"The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked, Whatkind of 'key' was he.The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of'-key' am I?!
"The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
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Akash...
That made me laugh out loud!!
That joke always make me do that!!! Ever heard of the other one about the dating style of guys from different countries??
I'll see if I still have it stored somewhere in my inbox....
Hey Akash, Querida & Badboy and all, why don't you visit the Thodar kathai thread and let your imagination run wild???
It's fun!
OK- see you all next week....wil be busy this weekend, trying to come up with a super thodar for Surya's ending.....
Hv a great weekend!
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Surya sweet butt take care of your meal. I think your vegetarian food causes you a lot of gasing problems. You have been farting like as if someone has opened the valve. What a gay dancing at the Bay Area!
Asurya PichchaikAri, I was talking of pacific avatars. If you don't mind becomming a new bie then let me only know, you can then continue with the emoticon postings to become a senior hubber. Even Admins know that I am serious about hacking into the Hub at any time. I mean no one will ever trace where it comes from but it will definitely not from Germany. But it will come.
BTW, let me update your mud in side your dump up above your shoulders!
It was me who uncovered the annonymized surfers first and offered the hubbers how to do it in the old forum. At that time you were licking your rasist friend 'Star'. I also made it public how to do it.There after only you came with your university loverboy Madhavan, do You remember that Gay from Bay. Now I am even able to hack into the Hub. What do you say now? So be cautious and don't even think of your RSS-Bootlickers when you participate here!
This is the final warning. I hope the Administrator or Moderator warn you too.
-
NM wrote: |
Akash...
That made me laugh out loud!! That joke always make me do that!!! Ever heard of the other one about the dating style of guys from different countries??
I'll see if I still have it stored somewhere in my inbox....
|
NM, i remember the title, but forgot it in whole!! check it out if you have it!!
SEX Education
Santa's mother-in-law, who was living with them, greeted Santa's son, Pappu.
"What did you learn today?" she asked.
"Sex education. All about AIDS, Teenage Pregnancy and intercourse n stuff," he replied, matter-of-factly.
The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to Jeeto.
Jeeto replied, "Mom, don't worry. These days, it's all part of the curriculum."
A few hours later, dinner was announced. The grandmother went to fetch her grandson in his bedroom. She opened the bedroom door and noticed him on his bed, vigorously "HELPing himself with his HAND".
"Pappu," she said, "when you're finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat."
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Terroist Transvestite in Europe, Bad Boy,
You just keep proving my point idiot!
You come here to create trouble. And do you think I care, if my status goes back to being a newbie hubber? Let's see if its possible by YOU. I'm not going to fall for blabberings some drunk transvestite nazi wannabe.
And who the hell is Madhavan?
Schizophrenia is curable. Just talk to a Shrink. I just hope that you don't drive him crazy
Almost everyone in this forum knows that I'm a RSS/Bajrang Dal/VHP supporter. There has not been a need for me to express my Ideas in that area yet, but if there is, I will not hesitate to post my opinions just because a depressed Sitzo, barking like a rabid dog in Europe, doesn't want me to.
Final Warning???? This is starting to become a joke!!
You've been saying that in almost all of your postings lately. You're just all talk.
Querida,
Come one, hit us with the IT jokes. 
-
Marriage FUN
It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE vs ARRANGED.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better than beingmurdered.
Equation:
7 Glances = 1 Smile
7 Smiles = 1 Meeting
7 Meetings = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposals = 1 Marriage
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 7777777777777 Problems,
So beware of a glance!
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tensionand panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant and
Panic is when BOTH are pregnant.
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Oh Akash you are too too much! That was hilarious!!!! I know exactly what you mean that is why i go out of my way to say arranged marriage and independent marriage...because whichever is the cause for marriage there should be love in a marriage...
-
what you said is Perfect , Querida!!
hope i am not confusing....
If we just being mature and think "Love marriage is the one that's best, It involves our own emotion & Decisions and that involves only LOVE" and where as "Arranged marriage is the one thats a short of compulsion that keeps the both together, that's y we stay together with lots of adjustment and commitments"
But after all, in both we r aiming the same!! Love, Commitment, Independence!! So, no matter how we start, its all about how we proceed.
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here's one guys-----
judge asked the boy "would u want to live with your mother?!!"
boy," oh! no, mother beats me".
judge asked again" would u want to live with your father?!!"
boy said " oh! no, father beats me too".
judge asked confused " then with whom you want to live?!!"
boy said sincerellly." with the Indian Cricket Team, they dont beat any one!!"...................
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Matter of Solving Problems
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb up a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing?"
He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you."
-
Dude! Seriously, where do you come up with this? 
-
Report submitted by Banta Singh to his manager after completing his Y2K
verification task.
Dear Sir,
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on
budget. We have gone through every line of code
in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic
archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K"
date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk,
August, September, October, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of
this Y to K problem has made any sense to
me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year
2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to
do next year when the two digit year rolls
over from 99 to 00?
We'll await your direction."
Very Sincerely
Banta Singh
Y2K Project Leader
-
Little Johnny had been waiting in a long line to sit on the department store Santa's lap when he finally gets his turn at it and climbs up.
Santa say to little Johnny, touching the little boy on the nose with his finger, "I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."
Johnny shakes his head, "No."
Santa touches the little Johnny's nose with his finger again, "Well, then I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas."
Johnny again shakes his head, "No...."
The department store Santa then asked, "Well then, what would you like for Christmas, little boy?"
Johnny replies with a big grin, "I want some puss****y!!!"
Santa, startled and almost speechless, stutters, "Well, I don't have any of of that!?!?"
Little Johnny, touching Saint Nick on nose, answers back smiling, "Yes you do, because I can smell it on your finger!"
-
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's ***** is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."
-
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher, and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one - holding onto their "tools" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."
"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."
-
Surya wrote: |
Dude! Seriously, where do you come up with this?  |
Hey, these are all from my mail client's folder named - "Goodies"....
!! I missed many Fw: mails, when i moved to new job... Surya, it happend only in IT 
-
Do you know yr BOSS??
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''
-
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they
got back the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic... " Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon
as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language.
Things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter
words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!
"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could
be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed-they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell
your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust,
Wash, Iron, Cook....
-
Joke............have fun!
Ah Huay went for a job interview (Secretary job).
When the Manager saw Ah Huay with her colorful attire and colored hair, he told himself " NOT THIS WOMAN"!! Nevertheless, he still need to entertain this woman....!
So he decided to give her a Quiz..
Manager : If you could make a sentence using all these words I give you, you'll get the job..
Ah Huay : Yes, SIR!
Manager : The words are Green, pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black.
After a minute of silence, Manager was about to open his mouth when Ah Huay said :
"I hear the phone GREEN, GREEN, GREEN, then I went to "PINK" up the phone and said "YELLOW, BLUE'S that?" WHITE did you say?....Aiyaaah.... wrong number-mah...., next time don't PURPLY di'turb people and don't call BLACK, Okay?
The Manager fainted!!!!

-
Good Ones guys!!
-
Reasons To Drink
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in
the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be
shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this
beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it
is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
-
NOV
I would really appreciate changing the title of Sardar Jokes thread. I would be amazed to find one shred of evidence to show that it is non-racist.
-
hehehewalrus wrote: |
NOV
I would really appreciate changing the title of Sardar Jokes thread. I would be amazed to find one shred of evidence to show that it is non-racist. |
You are absolutely right hhw.
Pls suggest a new name.
-
I support Walrus.. is it possible to merge Sardar jokes into this one??
-
NM wrote: |
I support Walrus.. is it possible to merge Sardar jokes into this one?? |
The thread has been renamed as Indian Jokes. Thanks for all your views.
-
Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It's very kind of you, darling. But I dont have any worries or
troubles.
Girl : Well, that because we arent married yet.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?
Husband : Golfing with friends, my dear.
Wife : What? At 2 am?!!
Husband : Yes, we used night clubs.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?".
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly: "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Father to son after exam : "Let me see your report card"
Son : "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the rommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! Thats very expensive car. What's so bad about that?".
"He is the original owner."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher asked her class for sentences using word "beans"
"My father grow beans, " said one student.
"My father cook beans, "said another.
Then Ah Beng's youngest son spoke up "We are all human
beans"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Interviewer to Millionaire : To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire : I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer : Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?
Millionaire : A Billionaire...
-
NOV : Thanks....
for the rename..
NOV : for the jokes......
Where have all the ladies gone to????? Querida? Ratchasi?? Come on...we need to give some for the boys.....

-
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .............
"HEBREWS"

-
Gonna be a Bear
In this life I’m a woman.
In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear.
When you’re a bear, you hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that!
Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that too.
When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while you’re sleeping and wake up up to partially grown cute, cuddly cubs.
I could certainly deal with that!!
If you’re a Mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who and bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that too!!!!!!!!!
If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and EXCESS body fat!!!
Yup, Gonna be a bear!

-
Banta is a bit embarrassed and says "Look doctor, what about the rash?"
"Oh that's easy," said the Doc, "Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, may I ask....."
"No," said Banta, "You can't. Now, is that all Doc?"
"Well, " said the Doctor, "You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!"
Banta goes home and tells Preeto that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.
"What?" she yells, "Clean underpants every day, and me with 11 kids to chase after! Eleven kids to wash, feed, cloth, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!"
"Ah" he said, "And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."
-
Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for hundred bucks I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For 300 bucks I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for 5000 bucks I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled 500 rupee note and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious," she replies. "I want it five times in the rocking chair!"
-
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
-
Hydera-BAD-i,
Please open a dirty jokes thread so that people can avoid it,or try and find out some other place where you can shell out such stories in privacy.Such a place may be closer than you think. 
-
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson,
died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world,
your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.
" Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room,
and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented Harley motorcycles, eh?!" Arthur said, "Ya, that's me..."
God commented, "Well, whats the big deal about inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road!"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???" God said, "Ah, yes." Well said Arthur,
"professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
-
Joey decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Joey was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.
Hours later, when everyone but Joey had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.
Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Joey, are you there? It's the Red Cross."
Bristling, the harried Joey called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
-
Pamela, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Tony, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She commented to Tony and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.
Tony, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Tony quietly parked his pickup in front of Pamela's house..........and he left it there all night!
-
Banta was not home at his usual hour, and his wife, Preeto, was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was Banta, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.
He answered, "Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
Banta's answer was, "A round of drinks!"
-
Santa came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Jeeto, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.
"No !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Jeeto snapped.
-
A tour bus takes off with a full load of senior citizens. Soon after, a little old lady taps the bus driver on the shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds.
She repeats this gesture many times.
The driver finally has to ask the old lady why she and her elderly friends don't eat the almonds themselves, where upon she replies that it's not possible because of their false teeth.
" We're not able to chew them. "
"Why do you buy them then ? " the driver asks, feeling puzzled, where upon the old lady answers: " Oh, we just love the chocolate around them!"
-
Nov,
good one
-
Life isn't fair to men
When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
The average man's life consists of:
twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going;
forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind: you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head And kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
-
10 Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. However, the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats her husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Bonus Commandment story
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "Wow! This stuff really works!"
-
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.
-
More facts about about men...
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
***********************************************
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
***********************************************
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
***********************************************
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says...."
***********************************************
-
AR, very good bathiladi.
There are too many jokes on women; you should post more man-bashing jokes. But please dont take our jokes and change the women to men. 


-
wow wow wow.... good ones Nov and Ratchasi-....Nov, but you admit that they sound real only when she changed she to he... right...

-
NOV, please accept it gracefully.
Just for the record, I posted the facts
as it was!!

-
Sabaash sariyaana poatti!!!

-
Querida wrote: |
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. |
The answer can be like this too..
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... men can screw anything 
-
Q: What do men and beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.
Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy
-
ha ha ha
-
Hi
i heard this joke in Pongal pattimandram program in Jaya TV.
// begin joke
Son is crying loud.
Father asks him "Why are you crying my son?"
Son replies" Mother beat me"
Father replies "Control yourself, have you seen me ever crying???!!!"
// end joke! 
-
The Husband Strikes Back!!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it
hears the words "I do".
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a
woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went hopping at a big, big department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!"
I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.
-
I guess NOV will come up next with a divorce joke!!!
Logical Conclusion you seee.. 
-
Oh geez NOV-san that didn't sound like a joke at all but like two very selfish unhappy ppl not meant to share a marriage...anyways here's what could be the joke to that couple stayed longer together:
One day a man had enough and appeared before a judge asking for a divorce.
Quietly and carefully the Judge reviewed the man's papers and then asked him, "Sir, please tell me on what grounds you are seeking this divorce?"
"Well," the man says, "because I live in a three-story house."
The Judge replies, "Exactly what kind of reason is that? What is the big deal about a 3-story house???"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' , the second story is ...'It's that time of the month."...and the third story is, "NO...we'll wake up the children... "
-
Mme,
have you got screw drivers?
-
Bad Boy wrote: |
Mme,
have you got screw drivers? |
no but that doesnt mean you can come into the hardware store and ask for carrots again!
hey if i get the x-billion-dollar offer first than i promise to let you have the dollar 
-
A Love Story
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and
carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of the little old lady. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of her.
He took a sip of the drink, and then she took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking.
"That poor old couple."
As the old man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing...she just sat there watching him eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
them something to eat. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "The teeth."
-
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
-
eeks my thread still exists...THOUGH I DONT
lol
big joke ever
-
Shakthiprabha wrote: |
eeks my thread still exists...THOUGH I DONT |
Thats called leaving a legacy behind! 
-
For a change, a same-side goal, in dedication to the originator f this thread.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man...
- unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out?
- You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon...
- they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander...
- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well...
- they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same...
- they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor:
- a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men...
- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something...
- is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind...
- but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man...
- look in a mental hospital.
12. The men of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years...
- Even in biblical times, they wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in...
- tell him chequebooks.
-
NOV-san thanx for those especially the last addition...now just to be fair:
The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman
#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
-
NOV wrote: |
For a change, a same-side goal, in dedication to the originator f this thread.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well...
- they never mature anyway.
. |
Thanks nov, Actually I was searching for jokes.....
what u posted seem to be FACTS 
-
ok, here are some facts, for you to laugh at:
The following are actual ads on a matrimony site in India. Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!
Disclaimer : I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail...
Hello To Viewvers
My Name is Somesha , I am single i dont have Famale, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe..if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours
Regards Somesha ~*~
_____
i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa state he is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (-Homework?)
_____
Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. She may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you (-The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)
_____
She should be good looking and should have a service. She Shoulsd haveone brother and one sister. She should be educated. (-ain't it unique!! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)
_____
I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on.......... hold my hand forever !!!
(-The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
_____
i am simple boy.I have lot of problem in my life because of my luck now i am looking one girls he care me and love me lot lot lot (-I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)
My wife should be as 'Parwati' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tulsi as in KSBKBT......
(-Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much, ain't he?)
_____
i want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house she should give recpect to ourcast (-by not wearing her jeans? ahem...)
_____
HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GUY,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL , THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD. 2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.
(all of us are 'loughing')
_____
whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is loolike this she would bde called the lady of the lamp (-I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this guy wants)
_____
i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok (-I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")
_____
1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK (-the "ok syndrome" again)
_____
i am pradip my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater & mother sister complity marred (-somebody please explain in comments section how to get married'completely'?)
_____
iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. i am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist. (-actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)
_____
my name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes (-height of desperation!)
_____
I want one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she have a frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. I Think the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. but iam not a handsome person or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good person. My father already expired . iam''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye. (-uttama purushan)
_____
i am kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar. he was marred. (No comments) I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT. (-maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)
_____
hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily. i divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect the good
minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ... (-but credit cards not accepted..???)
_____
my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service (-Zebra..???)
_____
i'm looking out for who lives in bombay, girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY. (-Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)
_____
To be married on jan-2005. working woman perferable (this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bride. I wish him best luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon..)
_____
i would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure. because girl is the mahalakshmi (-Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)
_____
ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present. (-Any takers again?)
-
nov,
) that was REALLY WORTH LAUGHING.
Loved the comments more than the ads. Quite witty.
/////I want one girl who love me or my mother./////
Thats the peak! Wants a girl who loves him OR his mother...
eeeeeeeeeeeks!
-
NOV-san i think i will have to quit my well loved english prof dreams...because yep im not going to forget that grammar soon...guess i'll just have to get hitched to one of those guys though im not fair, very complex, already starting to hate their mothers and can't seem to love just one
to the ladies they finally did get hitched to or will get in the future :
i am not worthy to read your replies
(note: hmmm hope that wasn't too mean...poor things they actually had the guts to post those online)
-
Shakthiprabha wrote: |
Thanks nov, Actually I was searching for jokes.....
what u posted seem to be FACTS  |
Hey Shakthi! Believe me!! I wanted to say that when I finished with NOV's factual post
Thanks for saying that for us !
NOV,
For once you had got the courage to state the facts clearly
As Querida said elsewhere, people tend be bold when they speak out the truth !! 
-
Shakthiprabha wrote: |
nov,
) that was REALLY WORTH LAUGHING.
Loved the comments more than the ads. Quite witty.
/////I want one girl who love me or my mother./////
Thats the peak! Wants a girl who loves him OR his mother...
eeeeeeeeeeeks! |
Thats not bad as long as they dont expect us to love both

-
NOV deserves a big

-
Yeah yeah!! a standing OVATION

-
Ayoooo ladies, you make me very shy. I am merely the messenger. Don't shoot or praise me, please.

-
///Thanks for saying that for us ! ////
hehehe Roshan..ANYTIME...
///Thats not bad as long as they dont expect us to love both ///
yeah yeah poor we.
_________________
nov,
//// I am merely the messenger. ////
Visit us as often as possible messenger, WITH SIMILAR KIND OF MESSEGES, you would get STANDING OVATION YET ANOTHER time.
Chee chee dont feel shy, ALL PART OF GAME
)
-
A telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service, at a hotel in South East Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.
Room Service (RS) : "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest (G) : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room service."
RS: "Rye. Ruin sorbees.. morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh...yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den? ....pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos??"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes!....why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast'. Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No....just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter....just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy....tea....mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother, honey sigh, and copy.....rye???"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tendjewberrymud."
G: "You're welcome."
-
Why am I so tired?
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the
work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to
do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and
City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
-
Dear NOV,
"Tendjewberrymud " for all these jokes...
deyar juz wunnaful.
tendjegane..
-
NOV-san said:
Quote: |
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes. |
the other worker says: well you posted them! So instead of reading this message get back to work! Someone's got to cover while i go on my coffee break! 
-
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter
chainsthem together and says,
"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity with this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with
the same punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being with you for all of eternity?"
And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped
on a duck."
-

-
Take it lite, no offence meant!!
THIS IS WHY GUYS ARE STILL ALONE:
********* U have to think twice b4 committing to a North IndianGirl**********
1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.
2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.
3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movie theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.
4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.
5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.
6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her gray hair.
7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.
8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.
9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you.
10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to "walk out"
11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.
12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you"
13. She thinks Govinda can dance better than Michael Jackson.
******WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South indian GIRL-FRIEND***********
Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras /Anna University.
Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."
She shudders if you use four letter words.
She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconutoil from her hair.)
She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.
Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.
Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)
When she mixes milk and rice you are never sure whether it is for the Dog or for herself.
For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortablewhile you are melting in your singlet.
She thinks Mohan Lal is the sexiest man alive.
Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.
Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation')
She bursts into songs with her cousins in every movie.
She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.
You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it ..
Her thali (Mangal Sutra) weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.
She is more educated than you.
Her father thinks she is much smarter than you...
-
Husband : U know dear, our son got his brain from me.
Wife : I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
-
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're real lucky, mine's still alive."
-
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did." he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
-
"I was married 3 times" explained a man to a newly discovered drinking partner, and I'll never marry again."
My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.
"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"
*****************************************************
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker.
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
*****************************************************
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops..
-
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.
The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."
They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life.
My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it. "They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
-
God created the mule, and told him,"You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads onyour back.You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years."The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him,"You will hold vigilance over thedwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion.You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 15 years."And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him,"You are Monkey. You shallswing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot.You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational beingthat walks the earth.You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world.You will dominate the earth and live for20 years."And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused,and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man,then marry and live 20years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age,to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
-
Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." Said and done. The next time God looked the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your spouses. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?">> The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"--
-
Quote: |
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here" |

-
Hmmm Scorpio im worried what you would say about the gurls who are desi but have left the homeland...but still hilarious
Cindy love those jokes...short and long-lined one
but i kinda don't get the jail joke...so what if they guy asked for matches? maybe i'm just missing a key part of it...
-
Querida,
first one could read the books, the second one had his wife with him...and the third one...Imagine piles of cigarettes, but cant have a smoke... as he had no match stick ... and 20 years... whatz the use of those cigarettes then?? 
-
Herez my turn to STRIKE SAME SIDE GOAL. Though I dont agree with some of what is said here, nevertheless, its enjoyable.(Its an old one..which many must've heard)
***************************************************
Hazardous Materials Data sheet
________________________________
Element : Women
Symbol : O+
Discoverer : Adam
Atomic Mass : Accepted as 55kg, but varies from 45 kg to 225 kg
Physical Properties
___________________
Body surface normally covered with film of powder and paint
Boils at absolutely nothing-Freezes for no apparent reason
Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
Chemical Properties
___________________
Reacts well to gold, plantinum and all precious stones
Explodes spontaneously without any reason or warning
The most powerful money reducing agent ever known to man
Common use
__________
Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
Can greatly aid relaxation
Can be very effective cleaning agent
Hazards
_______
Turns green, when placed alongside a superior specimen
Possession of more than one is possible, but specimen must never make eye contact
__________________________________________________________________
-
Shakthiprabha wrote: |
Herez my turn to STRIKE SAME SIDE GOAL. Though I dont agree with some of what is said here, nevertheless, its enjoyable |
I agree with what is said here and it is certainly enjoyable. 
-
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!
ALL ARE WELCOME
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
accept a maximum of eight participants sign up early and get a discount on registration.
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN
SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and
support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house
upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO
YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
-
Seminars For Females
(Prepared and presented by their better halves.)
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
4. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet
Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, Not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without
Nagging.
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
12. Introduction to Parking.
13. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
14. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
19. PMS: Your Problem... Not His.
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
21. Sex: It's For Married Couples Too.
22. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
24. Oil and Fuel: Your Car Needs Both.
25. Oil and Fuel: Your Car Needs Both. (In case it was missed the
first time)
26. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.
27. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" - Why Men Lie.
28. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
-

-
If Men Got Pregnant!
1. Morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health problem.
2. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.
3. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
5. All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.
6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
7. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes.
9. Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.
10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm.
-
Hi NOV-san do us all a fav and sign up all your hubbers and their significant others to their appropriate classes...what would be more rewarding then hearing the meaningful pms you'll recieve for your efforts

-
"Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm."
Nov,
Didn't catch the pun, care to explain ?? 
-
scorpio wrote: |
"Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm."
Nov,
Didn't catch the pun, care to explain ??  |
Too slow Pal!
If they are not back by 9 pm,you know what their evil,mean and clever girl friends will do to the poor,innocent souls.
.Wait for 10 months and you will become a grandma[sorry Pa]

-
Thanks BlahBlah!
-
scorpio wrote: |
Thanks BlahBlah! |
Not accompanied by a girl/woman/wife?
-
George W. Bush, the American President, meets with the Queen of England, Elizabeth II. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he goes over to Colin Powell's room and asked: "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell smiles comfortably and said, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney , and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
-
Why is it great to be a guy
- Phone conversations last 30 seconds.
- You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.
- A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
- When clicking thru the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
- You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go.
- You can go to the bathroom alone.
- Your last name stays put.
- You can leave a hotel room bed unmade.
- You can kill your own food.
- The garage is all yours.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment."
- You never have to clean the toilet.
- You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be
your friend.
- Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3.
- None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night.
- If you're 34 and single, no one notices.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
- Flowers fix everything.
- You never have to worry about other's feelings.
- Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
- You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
- You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy
thinking "he must be mad at me."
- One mood, all the time.
- You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him.
- Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental 100 bucks.
- You don't care if someone is talking behind your back.
- You don't pass on the desert and then mooch off someone else's.
- If you retain water, it is in a canteen.
- The remote is yours and yours alone.
- You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom.
- If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
-
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy
is the same.
-
oh now look what has happened..we praise NOV-san a bit and all of a sudden he's rehashing jokes with a couple of new ones thrown in and even pulled the reversal joke line trick....
anyways hilarious...though in your great to be a guy jokes...many of those things are changing.....especially with the clothes/shoes/suitcases/friend issues...that and now it seems socially acceptable for guys to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night..

-
Why It's Great to be a Gal
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Our boy friend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on their life insurance.
6. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
7. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
8. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
9. Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies (you get the point).
10. Taxis stop for us.
11. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
13. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
14. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
15. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
16. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
17. We have an excuse to be a total *** at least once a month.
18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
19. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
20. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
21. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
22. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
23. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
24. We're NOT men.
-
Hi Q!
Snappy come back! One for the team!
-
Querida wrote
Quote: |
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. |
Question begging to be asked is , Is it 'If' or 'always' ?
pun intended
Offense unintended! 
-
jaiganes wrote: |
Querida wrote
Quote: | If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. |
Question begging to be asked is , Is it 'If' or 'always' ?
pun intended Offense unintended!  |
If the title were to be Why It's Great to be a Man
Then, as you said, the answer to your question will be 'always'!
-
Nov, Querida,
Sabash! Seriyana Potti! 
-
Querida wrote in a separate thread "sacred plants of hinduism"
Quote: |
just a question...why is that husbands never pray for nor praise their wives or even have elaborate ceremonies as women as expected (socially/religiously) to do so...all jokes aside it is quite demeaning...
|
We do!! that is called "SHOPPING". Please visit TNagar once if you haven't done so already!! I did not reply there as it might have diluted that thread!
Ratchasi (is it true?) wrote
Quote: |
If the title were to be Why It's Great to be a Man
Then, as you said, the answer to your question will be 'always'! |
So you do find dumb men to be cute!!!
no wonder u have that name!!!
pun intended!
Offense unintended 
-
Querida / A.Ratchasi.........
Love reading everything that's posted here.......
Nov and all "great Guys".........love those jokes too.....

-
What's a Man?
Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out, "Lord, I have a problem."
And the Lord said, "What's the matter, Eve?"
"I know you created me and this beautiful garden. But I'm lonely-and I'm sick of eating apples."
"Well, in that case, " replied the Almighty, "I'll create a man for you."
"What's a man?"
"He's a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and muscular. He'll be really food at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals-and not bad in the sack."
"Sounds great!" replied Eve.
"There's one condition," added the Lord. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
-
Ratchasi!
I believe you!!
No wonder there was chaos in the beginning!!!

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jaiganes wrote: |
So you do find dumb men to be cute!!!
no wonder u have that name!!!
pun intended! Offense unintended  |
Read it again, jaiganes.
I dont recall saying that I find dumb men cute.
You might end up living with the prarie dog for company.
-
Ah! Now Ratchasi has joined the band along with Querida !
Nov,
Your turn now! 
-
Intense Grief
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed
mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept
repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of
pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn
so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...
"My wife's first husband."
-
Ah!
I concede Ratchasi!!
You find all men dumb.(quite logical according to you . I guess)
you don't find dumb men cute (follows your post)
So I guess I can lend my prarie Dog to you!!! I hope you find that poor creature cute!!
chaos still rulez!! Coz God created Eves first remember!!! No chance for order!!
pun intended
offense unintended 
-
Good one ratchasi!
"Intense Grief" is indeed a very good, thought provoking joke!!!
look at the Irony!!
-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
What's a Man?
"What's a man?"
"He's a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and muscular. He'll be really food at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals-and not bad in the sack."
"Sounds great!" replied Eve.
"There's one condition," added the Lord. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first." |
Good one! Interesting.
There is a famous fact which is mailed to me time and again....
___
God created man....
He was not happy. It was imperfect.....
SO HE CREATED WOMAN
(self explanatory)
_____
-
A man,sick and tired of working for eight hours a day,while his wife simply stayed at home,wanted her to understand what he is going through.So he prayed to god,
"Lord,my wife is merely sitting at home while I am working hard.I want her to understand my problems.So please change our roles".
God in his infinite wisdom,granted the wish.He woke up next morning as the woman while his wife became the man.
Early morning he awakened the kids,cooked break fast,set out their school clothes,packed their lunch box and took them to school.Then he came back,took the clothes to the laundry,drove to the bank to take money for paying the power and phone bills, went to the power company and telephone office to pay the bills,went grocery shopping,came back, cleaned the cats litter box,bathed the dog,made the bed,cleaned the kitchen,washed and moped the floor.
By this time,it was evening and he ran to the school to bring the children,got into an argument with them on the way,came back,set out milk and snacks,ironed the clothes,peeled potatoes and cleaned vegetagles and started cooking.Then they had dinner and by 9 pm he had sent the children to the bedroom,washed the dishes,cleaned the kitchen and then proceeded to the bedroom, where he was expected to make love
.
The next morning he woke up and immediately knelt beside the bed and said,"Lord,I am sorry to be such a fool to envy my wife being able to stay at home.Please change us back to our old roles".
The Lord replied,"Son I am glad that you have learned your lesson and will be happy to change you into your old role.
You will have to wait 9 months though.YOU JUST GOT PREGNANT LAST NIGHT". 
-
//You will have to wait 9 months though.YOU JUST GOT PREGNANT LAST NIGHT". //
That CROWNED IT !
)
Expect the unexpected LOL
-
Ok ladies, here's one for you....
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. the rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they are
all going to fall.
They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech. she said that she will voluntarily let go off the rope, because as a woman she is used to give up everything
for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
the men were all touched by her speech that they all started clapping their hands........
-
1. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage.
.
5. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
.
6. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
.
7. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
.
8. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
.
9. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've
purchased new school uniforms.
.
10. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
.
11. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
.
12. You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.
.
13. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
.
14. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
.
15. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
.
16. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll
take it anyway.
.
17. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
.
18. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
.
19. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
. .
21. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
.
22. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.
.
23. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
.
24. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
.
25. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
.
27. No Fear - I keep all my credit cards maxed out so I never have to worry about identity theft.
.
29. Jelly - A blonde bought a contraceptive jelly, but got pregnant anyway because she failed to read the directions and ate the jelly on the toast.
.
31. A blonde goes half way to Finland from USA and back to discover that a "14 Inch Viking" was a TV set not a sexy man.
.
33. A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; An optimist hopes they are.
.
34. Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're
finished.
.
35. Common sense is good to have, but never let it master you for then it might deprive you of the foolish things it's fun to do.
.
36. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats her husband like toxic waste...
.
37 The sweet young thing decided she'd rather be a young man's slave than an old man's darling, explaining that she hated the
thought of feeling old age creeping up on her.
.
41 For checkbook security, I keep all my checks signed so that thief cannot sign my checks.
-
blahblah loved the joke!

-
However much we can joke about men and women...it's funnier to joke about those who are together....especially if you're young, single and loving it
:
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only
seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In some cases, it's almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out....
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Judy, pack up your things! I just won the New York lottery!' Judy replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Mondays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in London and mine is in N.Y.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
She got a mudpack and looked great for a day. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When
a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
My wife told me to be more affectionate, so I got a girlfriend.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact,
I like your mother-in-law better than mine."
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically>asked, "Relatives of yours?" Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
-
one for the gals:
A man is walking down a beach, and accidentally kicks a bottle out of the sand. He opens the bottle, and a genie appears. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one." The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because airplanes are much too frightening for me and boats make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I can't do it. Imagine all the work involved. All the piling to hold up the highway needed and all the pavement. Ask for something else." "Well," the man said. "I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick." The genie considered this for a couple of minutes and said, "So, do you want that road two lanes or four?"
and one for the guys:
In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers, "Here. Iron this."
-
Querida wrote: |
one for the gals:
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers, "Here. Iron this." |
Atleast the women on this forum understand their true role.

-
This one is in toast for intelligent husbands..
The boss was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them. They left the office for her place and made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, and woke up hours later, at about 8 pm. As the boss threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Though mystified by his unusual request, she complied nonetheless. Then, the boss quickly slipped into his shoes and raced home.
"Where have you been!" demanded the boss's wife when he finally entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and I woke up just minutes ago. I raced home as quick as I could."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "Don't lie to me, you *******! I know you've been out playing golf again!"
-
Shekhar wrote: |
This one is in toast for intelligent husbands..
The boss was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them. |
It is of course normal that the passions overcome them during the day, they are at the office for work and they are working on each other.
"You won't get far by lying" it is said. But golfing if you say the truth! Good laugh Shekhar! 
-
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
-
@ MM....hmmm i guess i'll just keep that in mind for the future...if that is of course that is my future
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
-
5 secrets to romantic happiness
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have *** with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet
-
Difference between a cat and a dog...
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
5 secrets to romantic happiness
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have *** with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet |
awww AR, the original - which is a woman - reads much better. 
-
Teacher: "Johnny, give me a sentence starting with 'I'"
Little Johnny: "I is..."
Teacher: "No, Little Johnny. Always say 'I am.'"
Little Johnny: "All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
-
Querida wrote: |
@ MM....hmmm i guess i'll just keep that in mind for the future...if that is of course that is my future
|
Q,
Do you plan to be a teacher when you graduate? That's so cool.
-
Well, NOV,

-
NOV wrote: |
a.ratchasi wrote: | 5 secrets to romantic happiness
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have *** with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet |
awww AR, the original - which is a woman - reads much better.  |
See how women manipulate things to suit them.However,I am sure this joke was invented by a man. 
-
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.
"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shocked now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And...I know why you and daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?"
To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."
-
The owner of a gasoline station in Tattnall County, Georgia was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a billboard showing
"FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP!"
Soon a local young man, Jim filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him "pick a number from 1 to 10; if you pick the right number, you will get your free sex." Jim picked the number 8, and the gas station owner said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later Jim, along with his buddy Bill, pulled into the station. Jim filled his gas tank, and again asked for his free sex. The station owner gave him the same story again, and asked him to guess a number. This time, Jim guessed 2. The station owner said, "Sorry, the correct number was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away from the gasoline station, Jim said to Bill, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bill replied, "No it ain't rigged Jim. My wife won twice last week!!!
-
An old woman called the Fire Dept:
"Hello, Help!"
"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."
"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"
-
Since Valentines Day is aound the corner, let us try to celebrate and understand the opposite sex.
RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends. Then she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' and get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m.
on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just called to let you know you ruined my life, I'll never forgive you, I hate you, you're a total floozy. ..but, I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.'
LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about their experiences with women.
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man wouldn’t be able to identify most of the items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men hiss at them.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.
MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, Graphic equalizers, Video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to operate.
JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any
more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.
TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.
Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' or “Got anymore beer?'
RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.
Women use restrooms as social lounges.
Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.
And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to use the “little boys? room. Do you want to join me?'
-
Oh !! NOV,
It's 'A' joke per day...' and not too many jokes per day !! One per day makes us enjoy the jokes mostly.
Anyways, thanks for the jokes. But the last one should rightly go to 'interesting anecdotes' thread as there are too many facts involved.
Eg:
LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about their experiences with women.
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane.

-
Roshan wrote: |
Oh !! NOV,
It's 'A' joke per day...' and not too many jokes per day !! One per day makes us enjoy the jokes mostly. |
You are right. I will control myself in future.
as for the "facts" it just goes to show that we men can laugh at ourselves. Hehehehe
-
NOV
u are the best!
I feel proud to be a man!!!! I am so cost effective!!(except for the toys part. I don't carry too much of them around u see!!!).
-
One day, Querida, Cindy and ratchasi were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Querida prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave her big arms and strong legs, and she was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Cindy prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave her a rowboat and she was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
ratchasi had seen how this worked out for the other two, so she also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."
Poof! God turned her into a man. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
-
Poor Shekhar !! How deperate he is - to prove that men are intelligent !!

-
awwww Shekhar...what's the deal with labelling? I would change my next joke to your name...but then again i don't want hubbers dying from laughter
...atleast be accurate...what's this hiking you speak of? You mean walking for guys...you know cause they get to carry around a backpack, compass, canteen and flashlight...just in case they get lost...which we know never ever happens...irregardless of the bright big signs with directions the nice people at the park put up... 
-
Shekhar!!! pls try harder

-
Shekhar....Shekhar....Shekhar....
Trying hard to get even, eh?
Anyways, kudos to you for you have remembered to change the names!
With kind regards,

-
Shekhar wrote:
Quote: |
Poof! God turned her into a man. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge
|
No Shekhar! It looks better this way.
Poof! God turned her into NOV. (S)he locked the river and walked across it!!!
pun intended
offense unintended 
-
Jai Ganesh wrote: |
Poof! God turned her into NOV. (S)he locked the river and walked across it!!!
pun intended offense unintended |
Good one.

-
Bill Gates picks his own punishment:
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
-

-
AAHH!!!
I recall a similar joke!
Bill gates after his earth stint lands at the gates of hell.
Satan is pleased to welcome him to Hell.
As he is to be admitted to hell, he recieves a message from God that since Mr. Gates has introduced millions of users to PCs, he should be given a choice between select areas of Heaven and Hell.
First he is shown a glimpse of heaven where some uninteresting old men dressed in white are playing the lute sitting on top of clouds. Mr.Gates is not impressed, next he is shown scenes from hell. Lots of PCs and good looking women operating on them. Mr.Gates is impressed and he exclaims "To HEll for eternity!". Shortly two demons carry him forcibly and throw him into a deep pit with lots and lots of snakes, hissing and biting him. Bill Gates shouts " Where are the PCs and beautiful women?" . Satan replies "Well, that was our commercial you see!!!"

-
Jai,

-
Hmmmmm. Turning the joke on me? Irukkattum, irukkattum, one of these days I will do a Sekhar on you guys.
Some "old" jokes today....
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_______________________________________
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a drink."
_______________________________________
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one
looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Well," said Herman, "It's not just one car. There are hundreds of them!"
______________________________________
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went ! through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
-
NOV,
You have breached yr vow of 'one joke per day' again.
Hilarious, anyways 
-
Nice insensitive jokes on senior citizens NOV!!
Now this is a joke, I heard from Thenkachi . Ko. Swaminadhan in the radio programme "Indru Oru Thagaval".
There are three very senior citizens sitting on the beach . A reporter covering senior citizens is curious and thinks that they ust be long time pals and starts his conversation.
He asks senior #1: "You seem to be quite old, but still healthy, tell me your secret of long life.Also please state your exact age"
SC#1: I dont eat Non-Veg, I dont get Angry, I dont drink and I dont smoke. May be thats why. I am 90"
Reporter reiterates the same question to SC#2.
SC#2: "I don't drink, I don't smoke but I am a non vegetarian. I am 70".
Reporter then poses the same question to the third person who looks by far the eldest of the three.
SC#3: "I drink, I smoke , I eat non-veg, I use pans and Ghutkas"
Reporter :
SC#3: "And I am 30"
-
How do you keep Shekhar busy?
(see below)
How do you keep Shekhar busy?
(see above)
-
Back with my prarie dog!!
Ratchasi wrote :
Quote: |
How do you keep Shekhar busy?
(see below)
How do you keep Shekhar busy?
(see above)
|
That is what he has been doing since his marriage!!! 
-
And one for the road...
Shekhar and NOV are walking down the street when NOV says awww look at that dog with one eye. So Shekhar covers his left eye and looks.

-
Ratchasi wrote:
Quote: |
Shekhar and NOV are walking down the street when NOV says awww look at that dog with one eye. So Shekhar covers his left eye and looks.
|
Very funny!!!
Shekhar and NOV remember "Hell hath no fury like a feminist hubber scorned!!!"
-
Nov::
NOV wrote: |
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. " |
Sounds very much like me...walking in and out of my office, not remembering why I went out of my office in the first place, and then, don't know why I came back again to the office!!! Signs of old age!!!!!
and did the staring bit too, a few times...stared at the PC, don't know what I had wanted to type!!!!!
a.ratchasi wrote: |
How to keep Shekhar busy" |
a.ratchasi wrote: |
Shekhar and NOV are walking down the street when NOV says awww look at that dog with one eye. So Shekhar covers his left eye and looks. " |

-
Continuing the above joke,
Nov looks at Shekhar and tells Shekhar, "You are looking at the the dog with the wrong eye"
-
NM!
Better see "BLACK" before you black out permanently!!! 
-
jaiganes wrote: |
NM!
Better see "BLACK" before you black out permanently!!!  |
Jai ganesh.....no black but seeing blue.....

-
Hemant, you are putting me in hot soup here.
I named the wise one as NOV and the other, well, Shekhar
.
-
Ratchasi wrote :
Quote: |
Hemant, you are putting me in hot soup here.
I named the wise one as NOV and the other
|
Well Hemant knows that neither of them is single!!!

-
It wud have made problem if the Dog was refered to as the female from the dog tribe ...lol
-
and this is the end of the story
Shekhar and NOV are walking down the street when NOV says "awww look at that dog with one eye." So Shekhar covers his left eye and looks.
NOV looks at Shekhar and tells Shekhar, "You are looking at the the dog with the wrong eye."
"Why" asks Shekar, "what's wrong with looking through my left eye."
NOV points to the 3D illustration of the one-eyed dog and says, "You need to see with the green lens on your right eye and not the red one, in order to see the shadow."
And so, they continue walking down the street, flipping through the pages......
THE END
-
AMEN
-
[quote=NOV]
And so, they continue walking down the street, flipping through the pages....
[/quote]
Yeah, unmindful of the speeding truck driven by one A.Ratchasi....!!!!
charging at them !!! 
-
And who do you think was holding a Gun to the Head of Ratchasi ?
No need to think,
jaiganesh ofcourse !!
-

-
what are you doing Jaiganes?
Trying to beat Annamalai record?
-
NOV wrote:
Quote: |
what are you doing Jaiganes?
Trying to beat Annamalai record?
|
Hey I just tried to save you from the truck! Fine then I would start a new thread , NOV and the speeding truck!!!
Jjust kidding

-
Hemant Trivedi wrote: |
And who do you think was holding a Gun to the Head of Ratchasi ? No need to think, jaiganesh ofcourse !! |
Unknown to everyone, there's someone lurking among the bushes, waiting ....with a Bazookah....to attack a.r's attackers!!

-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
And one for the road...
Shekhar and NOV are walking down the street when NOV says awww look at that dog with one eye. So Shekhar covers his left eye and looks.
|
HT wrote: |
Continuing the above joke,
Nov looks at Shekhar and tells Shekhar, "You are looking at the the dog with the wrong eye" |

-
See how NOV ends the story..
That is man's brain ladies.. and ratachasi...the game is called turning the table.
Glad I brought more life to this thread.. 
-
Shekhar wrote,
"See how NOV ends the story..
That is man's brain ladies.. and ratachasi...the game is called turning the table. "
Men end stories....but... women start epics...
Men Turn the Tables....but ...Ladies cause an Earth Quake.
-
Hemant wrote :
Quote: |
Men end stories....but... women start epics...
Men Turn the Tables....but ...Ladies cause an Earth Quake.
|
So I can extend it to ....
Ladies start epic earthquakes???
or
Ladies are the epicentres of most of the earthquakes.

-
An Earthquake is momentary....
Epics go on an on......... (like Ekta Kapoor serials).
Ladies are EPIC centres of ALL earthquakes.....(Idhu eppadi?)
-
Hemant Trivedi wrote: |
Ladies are EPIC centres of ALL earthquakes.....(Idhu eppadi?) |
You can also make valuable quaking posts!
Ithu nalla nadukkam, mannikkavum, peNkaLai nalla nadukkam enRu collelaamaa?
-
Have been just joking around!
Lack of response from the other side of the fence indicates only one thing. They are clearly not impressed!! So I withdraw from this male/female bashing jokes!! I shall let NOV, ratchasi regain control of the thread!!!
My sincere apologies.

-
JG..how right U are...
Now, retreat...that's my boy!!
See, when Ladies keep quite......Men give in....(or up??)

-
NM wrote:
Quote: |
See, when Ladies keep quite......Men give in....(or up??)
|
Now ! Don't get me started....
-
good one picked up at butlerwebs.com
A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."
-
Another good one:
A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.
"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"
Joe answered the correct airline.
"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"
Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.
"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
And John answered, "Mom."
-
And one more:
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I
speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me!"
-
Now I can't stop this one !!
Out shopping, my friend Darin noticed a mother with three little girls and a baby. The woman's patience was wearing thin as all the girls called "Mama" while she tried to shop. Finally, Darin heard her say, "I don't want to hear the word MAMA for at least five minutes."
A few seconds went by, then one girl tugged on her mom's skirt and said, "Excuse me, miss."
-
Lisping speech has been creating a riot of laughter.
One such lisping young girl who was a teenager but was very well endowed went to a doctor with complaint of cough and cold.
Doctor put the stethescope under her collor bone and said,
"Big Breaths...."
The girl's face reddened crimson and replied rather coyly,
"Yeath ..and I am only thicktheen"
-
Soccer match
At a soccer match among the spectators one guy was moving from from side to side constantly. The guy next to him asked him " hey man whats wrong" you are moving from side to side.
The man replied " I'm sorry. I was working on a ship for ten years and thats why I'm like this.
Then the guy replied him" hey man I am married for 15 years, but I dont move back & forward
-
jaiganes wrote: |
"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
And John answered, "Mom." |
Good one!
jaiganes wrote: |
"Finally, Darin heard her say, "I don't want to hear the word MAMA for at least five minutes."
A few seconds went by, then one girl tugged on her mom's skirt and said, "Excuse me, miss." |

-
Equations
The Equation:
7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 @@@@@@ marriage has 7777777777777 Problems.
So beware of glance!
Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ram: I want 2 b a pilot.
Vinod: I want 2 b a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 b a good mother.
Ravi: I want 2 help Deepa.
Exams:
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1. Too Many Questions.
2. Difficult to Understand.
3. More Explanation is Needed.
4. Resultis always FAIL!
Delivered:
Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing.
The report said, "DELIVERED".
ThreeFeelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
-
Though we are constantly breaching 'One joke per day' yardstick!
-
JG, this is repeated in this same page...
-
Cindy! I am sorry if it is. I just went up till last 8 pages to check it up, then got bored and told my self "What the he**, I am gonna go ahead with the post". Ny ways, I got reminded of another joke..
A 5-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 5-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?"
The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5-year-old what he wants for breakfast
"Awe hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The Mom looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, " but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
-
Password selection rules
CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471
In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.
RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:
1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.
2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.
3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.
4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.
5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.
6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.
7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.
Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.
-
scorpio wrote: |
Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately. |
I was thinkin' why did scorpio place this thing here..is it a joke??
but now I know!!

-
oh my that'll learn me not to catch up on jokes all at once...

-
NM wrote: |
I was thinkin' why did scorpio place this thing here..is it a joke?? but now I know!!  |
So.. the tube lighted at last..

-
Shekhar wrote: |
NM wrote: | I was thinkin' why did scorpio place this thing here..is it a joke?? but now I know!!  |
So.. the tube lighted at last..  |
Shekhar......adi vendumaa?????

-
IF RESUMES TOLD THE TRUTH:
OBJECTIVE
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.
EDUCATION
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask
EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding commercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.
COMPUTER SKILLS
*Solitaire
*Minesweeper
HONORS AND AWARDS
*Said Toast at brother's wedding
High Score on Jack's Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother.
Note fm Scorpio- Software professionals, pls. excuse! 
-
Haa Scorpio,
Can add the following under EMPLOYMENT section
Presented time consuming(to read and write) and trouble inciting papers and research publications(read posts) on various subjects in bulletinboards and forums in the internet disturbing peace and tranquility on the net!!
Doubled up as the official coffee taster in the office!
Quote: |
Software professionals, pls. excuse |
No need to apologize pal! we always accept truth! 
-
Jai,
Official coffee taster- just becoz u'r a chennaite??
Good job!
-
Don't know if you guys n gals hv heard of this before...
"Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I
fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of
the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received
anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you
send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this
message. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
10: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by
our PC for my response.
11: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
12: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE
13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of ]Steve'.

-
NM,

-
For # 13???
Needed that after some disturbing news at work today!!
-
Quote: |
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE
13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of ]Steve'.
|
So you think he / she made the right decision????
Hilarious jokes! 
-
Gender and Computers
Top nine reasons- computers must be male:
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
A better model is always just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
It is always necessary to have a backup.
They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
The lights are on but nobody's home.
Big power surges knock them out for the night.
Size does matter
Top nine reasons computers must be female:
Picky, picky, picky.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Beauty is only shell deep.
When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
Always turning simple statements into big productions.
Smalltalk is important.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
They make you take the garbage out.
-
Newton's Laws for the Software World
-----------------------------------------------------
Law 1- Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or
forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by external unbalanced manager.
Law 2. The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to
the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when deadline force is applied.
Law 3. For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite Software Implementation.
Bonus
Law 4. Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant.
Note - Again, software professionals, pl. excuse 
-
Quote: |
Bonus Law 4. Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant.
|
Since when did well guarded facts become jokes?
One more law
Productivity of R&D team is directly proportional to the uptime of google.com !

-
Inter Office Memo
Since research team manager has found that google results need to be sorted, indexed and since this process takes up more time,
FROM IMMEDIATE EFFECT, GOOGLE WILL CEASE TO BE THE CHIEF RESEARCH TOOL.
IN ITS PLACE, " www.vivisimo.com " must be used by everyone.

-
scorpio wrote: |
Gender and Computers
|

-
Actually speaking, VIVISIMO is a far superior clustring search engine. Try it out once and you would use it for ever.
-
Dear God, I beg you to..
Give me the wisdom
To understand my boss
Give me the love
to forgive him
Give me the patience
to understand his actions
But, dear God, don't
present me with strength
'Cos if you do,
I"LL BREAK HIS SKULL!!
Have a great weekend, folks!
-
NM,
"Cos if you do,
I"LL BREAK HIS SKULL!! "
Both funny and practical!!
-
NM wrote: |
Dear God, I beg you to..
Give me the wisdom
To understand my boss
Give me the love
to forgive him
Give me the patience
to understand his actions
But, dear God, don't
present me with strength
'Cos if you do,
I"LL BREAK HIS SKULL!!
Have a great weekend, folks! |
same goes for my profs!
thanx NM for the jokes..have a great weekend as well... 
-
Querida..
For profs, perhaps it should go like this...
Dear God, I beg you to ..
Give me super eyesight,
to see what he scribbles
Give me bionic ear,
to hear what he mumbles
Give me extraordinary IQ,
to understand what he brags about
But, please GOD, I beg you not to
give me the strength,
Cos' I'll break his skull and take his place!!

-
BIHAR DRIVING LICENSE APPLICATION FORM
Bihar ispecal
DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM NOTE: If you dont knows, please copy from another applikason phorom. For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason. Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the licen.
Last name:
(_) Yadav
(_) Sinha
(_) Pandey
(_) Misra
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
First name:
(_) Ramprasad
(_) Lakhan
(_) Sivprasad
(_) Jamnaprasad
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
Age:
(_) Less than phipty
(_) Greater than phipty
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
Sex: ____ M _____ (F) _____ not sure _____not applicable
Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right
>
Occupason:
(_) Politison
(_) Doodhwala
(_) Pehelwaan
(_) House wife
(_) Un-employed
(Check karet box)
Number of children libing in the household: _________
Number that are yours: _________
Mother name: _______________________
Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leave blank)
Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest class attended)
Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow
(_) Berownish-ellow
(_) Berown
(_) Belack
(_) Others - Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)
Your thumb imparesson (If you are copying from another applikason pharom,please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.) PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you don't have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.
NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE. WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS
-
That was great! Messed up, but great! 
-
///
Number of children libing in the household: _________
Number that are yours: _________
////
THAT TOOK A lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng time for me to decipher what is being said !!
Though there are umpteen no. of application forms, this was was unique, which succeeded in bringing some smile
NM's prof joke was TOO GOOD 
-
Shekhar wrote: |
Bihar ispecal
Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the licen.
.......
(Check karet box)
.......
|
Aiyooh......Shekhar, engeppa unggelukku inthe joke kideitthathu?
Like Shakti, I was struggling with "check karet box"!!!
Shakti....you feel the same with profs too??

-
Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
3 new bonds are being issued:
* Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity
* Gore bond: Has no interest
* Clinton bond: Has no principle.
-
Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's the law!
Experience: What you get when you don't get what you want.
Anxiety: Nature's way of getting you up mornings.
Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance.
Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children.
Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".
A conclusion is where somebody got tired of thinking.
Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.
Oxymoron: One who does not know how to use pimple medication.
Chocolate: the other major food group.
Capitalism: Man exploiting man.
Socialism: The reverse.
Canadians: The *other* Americans.
Cheating: Playing by the rules they teach in business school.
Success is just a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
'Normal' is a setting on a washing machine..
Health: The slowest possible rate of dying.
Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
Childish game: One at which you cannot beat your spouse.
Language: A dialect with an army and navy.
Pizza *is* the four food groups.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.
Feudalism: When it's your Count that votes.
Bore: One who, upon being asked how they are, tells you.
Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.
Answer: What everybody is still looking for.
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
Fine: Tax for doing wrong.
Tax: Fine for doing fine.
Witlag: The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.
(Hi Sakthipraba
Skier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.
A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Anarchy: Such a good idea, it should be the law.
Dogmatism: Puppyism come to full growth.
Dime: A dollar after taxes.
A professor is someone who talks in somebody else's sleep.
Work is the slow, dragging fingernail on the blackboard of life.
-
NOV wrote: |
3 new bonds are being issued:
* Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity
* Gore bond: Has no interest
* Clinton bond: Has no principle.
..................
Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".
|

-
A Rare Book
NOV ran into NM who told him she had just thrown away an old Bible that she found in a dusty, old box. She happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped NOV.
"Yes, that was it!"
"My God! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied NM. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
-
As in King Jr?????? 
-
Nov,
YOU MADE MY DAY..... DEAR.... 
-
Great you enjoyed them Hemant.
* One morning, an American senator instructed his attorney to notify him as soon as a judgment was handed down in a case concerning his involvement in an influence-peddling scheme.
Early that afternoon, he received a fax: "JUSTlCE HAS PREVAILED. "
He immediately faxed back: "APPEAL AT ONCE!"
* A society matron, visiting the Louvre, stopped before a famous painting of a dirtypeasant. "Isn`t that just like them?" she remarked. "Too poor to buy decent clothes, but he can afford to have his portrait painted!"
* A diplomat visiting China once rambled on for several minutes telling a story to his hosts. Curiously, the interpreter remained respectfully silent. Having finished, the diplomat was astonished to find everyone heartily laughing after his interpreter had said only a few words.
"How did you tell the story so quickly?" the diplomat asked. "Story too long," the interpreter replied. "So I say: `He tell joke. Laugh.`"
-
scorpio wrote: |
Gender and Computers
Top nine reasons computers must be female:
|
A computer must be female.. 'coz there is a motherboard inside... not a fatherboard. 
-
Obviously computer is a female since it has 101 key buttons,
Numbers are sent to mostly unused righthand side,
On the keyboard,
Largest key says, "ENTER",
Broadest one is SPACE
First button says, "ESCAPE"
Two Bottom Keys says, CONTROL"
And has two keys which says, "ALTER"
And two keys which says, "SHIFT"
Has twelve Female Keys, which are, F1 to F12
(And it has a MOTHERBOARD hidden from public view.)
It uses a lot of shoes as it has to RE-BOOTED almost daily .
This reminds me of female qualities.
So it is undoubtadly female gender for a computer.
-
Once last May UKW, now Mellon told me not to finger my keyboard much! Do you remember Mme?
I should have listen to you Mellon.
-
NM wrote: |
Querida..
For profs, perhaps it should go like this...
Dear God, I beg you to ..
Give me super eyesight,
to see what he scribbles
Give me bionic ear,
to hear what he mumbles
Give me extraordinary IQ,
to understand what he brags about
But, please GOD, I beg you not to
give me the strength,
Cos' I'll break his skull and take his place!!  |
oh NM that is much more fitting!...because for sure now I will beg God to give me the strength! 
-
nirosha sen wrote: |
As in King Jr??????  |
No... "Martin Luther dealt the symbolic blow that began the Reformation when he nailed his Ninety-Five Theses to the door of the Wittenberg Church. That document contained an attack on papal abuses and the sale of indulgences by church officials." This historic movement eventually led to Puritanism whose followers fled England for 'pure' religious life and work in the new world...they soon became greedy and hence were reborn as....Americans who now worship capitalism...along with everyone else in the world for that matter...
-
Shekhar and NOV-san those were simply hilarious!
whoever said stick to a joke a day....i really enjoyed those! Except that i dont think it's good to read them one right after another...i've got tears in my eyes from laughing too much! 
-
knicker-wallahs...well atleast they will keep the internet spam-free and that simply too...that's just too funny Badboy

-
Shekhar wrote: |
A Rare Book
NOV ran into NM who told him she had just thrown away an old Bible that she found in a dusty, old box.
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied NM. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther." |
My dearest
Shekhar,
Wanna blonk???
Thanks for giving me the honor
You wait!!

-
A little boy asks his father what politics is. His father tries to explain. "Well, son," he says, "I go out into the world every day and make money - so imagine me as Capitalism. Your mother handles the budget for the house - so you could regard her as the Government. Your nanny, who looks after you and your baby brother, works very hard - so we will call her the Working Class. You are in the midst of all this - so consider yourself as the People. And your baby brother? Look on him as the Future."
That night the boy goes to bed pondering his father's words. In the middle of the night he is woken by his baby brother crying, clearly wanting to have his nappy changed. He goes into his parents' bedroom and sees his mother fast asleep. He is unable to rouse her. He goes to the nanny's room and finds his father and the nanny making love. He tiptoes quietly out without being observed and goes back to bed.
At breakfast in the morning, the boy says to his father: "I was thinking about what you told me and I think I understand about politics now, dad." His gratified father looks up from his toast and asks, "Oh yes, how is that?" "Well," replies the boy, "Capitalism is screwing the Working Class. The Government is asleep. The People are being lied to and the Future is in deep shit."
-
Mad Max,
I had read this one ....but had forgotten it. You made me Laugh.Good one.
-
Mad Max...

-
Three friends had a visit to Qutb Minar.Two went to the tower top and one remained in the basement itself.
The two friends watched the city from the top of the tower.The city was very beautiful to view.They were just enjoying the sight.
Suddenly one of them said"our friend below is missing this sight.Call him here".
So the other called in a loud voice from top of the tower .
The firs person got angry and shouted at him "he is in such a distance ,how will he hear your voice.....?".
Saying this,he took the binocular ,saw his friend below,then he called his friend in a lower voice. 
-
NMS...
Welcome to the hub, buddy!
-
NM wrote: |
JG..how right U are...
Now, retreat...that's my boy!!
See, when Ladies keep quite......Men give in....(or up??)  |
NM, you have said it all too clear and well!!
Now, that I am back...

-
Picked this one up from butlerwebs.com
"
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
"
-
NOV, Shekhar, Mad Max,
Thanks for thejokes. Had a hearty laugh
to beat Monday Morning
blues !!
-
A funeral service was held for a woman who had just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket.
They heard a faint moan. They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried out: "Watch that wall!"
-
Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
-
Boy Nov!! That last paragraph was a most sobering thought Pa!!

-
NOV wrote: |
Home Remedies
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan. |
NOV,
Office-la velai seiyya vidungappa!!
-
Great that all of you are enjoying the jokes, while learning a thing or two too. hehehehehe
Top 10 most stupid questions' people usually ask in obvious situations :
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "masala thosai" good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionally also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Kanna, Selvi, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive ...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
-
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went upon the footpath and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the Driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me".
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much".
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years".
-
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
aiyo way too funny NOV-san! 
-
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
-
Cindy wrote: |
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY |
Is this a joke?
-
Of course it is!!!
And cindy what are those curious looking creatures in your avatar? and what are they doing ?
NOV don't you think that you posted one joke less?
-
Another joke related to kids!
I am afraid that some might say it is too touching to be called a joke....
"
To close each day's activities in summer and on holidays in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World at Lake Buena Vista, Fla., a huge fireworks display lights up the sky.
One night I noticed a small boy about three years old perched on his father's shoulder. The child sat mesmerized, aware only of what was exploding in the heavens. When the fireworks were over, the little boy looked up into the sky again and said, "Thank you, God."
"
-
This one takes the cake::::
Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad that read, "Lose weight $1.00 a pound." And it simply listed a telephone number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the man responded, "ten pounds."
The voice replied, "very well, put you check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me".
Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself, she said, "quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the somewhat less overweight man replied, "twenty pounds".
"Very well", the voice on the phone told him, "put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
At about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me". The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her.
When he was through she told him, "quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" He thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked,
"how much weight do you want to lose?"
"Fifty pounds!" The man exclaimed.
"Fifty pounds?" The voice asked. "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time."
The overweight man replied, "my check's already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning." Then he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you I'm going to screw you."

-
jaiganes wrote: |
NOV don't you think that you posted one joke less? |
OK, how about some words of wisdom from ............... Michael Jackson!
“I have slept in a bed with many children... We go to sleep. I put the fireplace on. I give them hot milk, you know, we have cookies. It’s very charming. It’s very sweet. It’s what the whole world should do. The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone.”
“I used to walk around holding baby dolls... because I wanted children so badly.”
“I was so anxious to get [my daughter Paris] home that after cutting the cord—I hate to say this—I snatched at her and just went home with all the placenta all over her. Got her in a towel and ran.”
“If there were no children on this earth, if somebody announced that all kids were dead, I would jump off the balcony immediately.”
-
Wow..Nov, U have been busy looking for jokes last week, weren't you? Was gone for only a few hours this morning and ....phew..so many of them..
Particularly, this one.."everyone seems normal until you get to know them"
VERY TRUE!!!!
-
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."
"Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

-
Very smart one indeed NM
-
Replying to an Invitation to a Scientists' Ball:
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Ampere was worried he wasn't up on current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."
Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
Hertz said he planned the future to attend with greater frequency.
Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Mendel was invited because he was a man of breeding.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Newton was moved to attend.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

-
ratchasi wrote: |
Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
|
Beyond funny, really this man had an amazing sense of humour as his epitaph reads "He lies here, somewhere"
Mel Blanc's epitaph reads"That's all, folks!"
Groucho Marx's epitaph reads ""Excuse me, I can't stand up."
Funniest one should be H.G.Wells'
"I told you so, you damned fools."
Most inspiring should be that of Karl Marx which reads,
"Workers of all lands unite. The philosophers have only
interpreted the world in various ways; the point is to change it."
-
Ar & JG..good ones!!

-
I took this following joke from 'female bashing' section. But I could not make out if it was really bashing enough....
A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place. The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."

-
A Nutty one!!!! Enzzzzoy!
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room,
So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally
Typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail,
Expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed
into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
Which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 16 May 2002
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
-
NOV wrote: |
Is this a joke? |
jaiganes wrote: |
Of course it is!!!
And cindy what are those curious looking creatures in your avatar? and what are they doing ?
NOV don't you think that you posted one joke less? |
ayyo.... this was the thread in my fav list... and thought of wishing every one before going to my work today... dint want to begin a thread for this..'coz worried that would be hijacked by ppl who are STRONGLY against and for it... puriyutha?
grrrr
and ganesuppayya... ennoda avatar enna avlo chinnathava irukku... nee un kannadi number check pannu...
-
Human Resources Guidebook
What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
-
A Christmas Card
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.
I've sent along my last ten dollars on this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave.
Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.
Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year.
Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her- name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Merry Christmas.
Love, Mom
-
Women!
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big openmouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress.
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife, "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities or Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier!!" she replies.
==========================
At a busy bus stop, a beautiful young lady wearing a tight fitting skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a man who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the Samaritan and yelled,"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled and drawled, "Well, dear, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were already good friends!!!"
-
Nov,
Those were hilarious
Thx for ligthening up my day, it's been hell past few days!!
-
I second NM's comments on the jokes.
NM wrote:
Quote: |
it's been hell past few days
|
Then think about me
I am going for an MRI scan of my head
Thanks for the blonks.....
-
jaiganes wrote: |
Then think about me
I am going for an MRI scan of my head
Thanks for the blonks..... |
JG......i am thinking abt U dear......is MRI enough or do you need a CT scan?

-
Cindy wrote:
Quote: |
ennoda avatar enna avlo chinnathava irukku... nee un kannadi number check pannu...
|
I can see that creatures in your avatar are two baby donkeys. As far as their size is concerned, they look like snacks of ratchasi's avatar!
NOV has got a little bolder to begin female bashing jokes again. I wish him all the best and gift him protective head gear

-
jaiganes wrote: |
NOV has got a little bolder to begin female bashing jokes again. I wish him all the best and gift him protective head gear  |
Be careful, my dear prairie...
Don't you remember what Blahblah said in another thread....?? Here it is to refresh yr mind...guess the blonks have taken away some of your memory....
blahblah wrote: |
Ohoh!You thought I am nice guy and then changed your mind?Don't you know that the General himself doesn't go for war,on the battlefield?For now,I will leave the job to lesser beings like jaiganesh. |
...

-
Of course I agree with my general!!
prarie dogs are cute little things which are less evolved beings(earlier in evolution tree) compared to vicious rabbits, that can beat the living daylights out of humans!! Haven't you seen the movie killer rabbits????
-
Peg After Peg
I never take risk while drinking
When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk
I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile
I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: Any news on Iyer's daughter's marriage
Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her
I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: But still I think Iyer's daughter's age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...
I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard's place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink
Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep it in the black cupboard
Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Iyer a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue...!
Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...
I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile
Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: (laughing) So Iyer is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...
I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk
Iyer is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take what???
-
A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his
classmate.
My Dearest Reshma,
Please answer the following questionnaire.
For Options (a)10 marks, (b) 5marks and (c) 3 marks.
1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me
because:
(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... am I doing it?
2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me
because:
(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile
3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you
stopped singing because:
(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song
4) When you were showing your child photo, when I asked for it, you
hide it because:
(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know
5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you
and you took only my friend's because:
(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know
6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...
(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded
7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college
because:
(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them
8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a
rose on your head because:
(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose
9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at
6:00 AM because:
(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual
If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay
in expressing it. If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is
budding
in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less
than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.
Eagerly awaiting your reply..
love,
Aakash
===============================================
Reshma's reply letter was also in Q/A format........
***************************************************
Aakash,
Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.
1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the
class, sees them.
(a) Yes
(b) No
2) If a girl laughs and looks anyone, is it love?
(a) Yes
(b) No
3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she
stop singing or not ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo.
You poked your nose inside..... right
(a) Yes
(b) No
5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you
understand yet?
(a) Yes
(b) No
6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali) at the bus stand?
(a) Yes
(b) No
7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?
(a) Yes
(b) No
8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is
it true ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I
come daily to Temple. Do you know ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not
loving you. If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning
of Love.
Hope everything is clear to you.
Reshma
-
21st CENTURY LIFELESSNESS..!!
Our communication - Wireless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our religion - Creedless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - Godless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our bosses - hopeless
Finally,
Our Salary - Very less
-
Cindy!!!!!
The drunkard joke was wayyyyy tooooo muchhh!

-
Cindy,

-
The guide to wife translations
The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
The wife says: Sure, go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to
The wife says: I'm not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron
The wife says: You're so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.
The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important.
-
Lateral Thinking
This puzzle is called Lateral Thinking... Just Check This Out!!!!
Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself.
man
1. ------------
board
Ans. = man overboard
stand
2. ------------
i
Ans. = I understand
OK?.... Got the drift? Let's try a few now and see how you fair?
3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/
Ans. = reading between the lines
4. r
road
a
d
Ans. = cross road
5. cycle
cycle
cycle
Ans. = tricycle
0
6. ------------
M.D.
Ph.D.
Ans. = two degrees below zero
knee
7. ------------
light
Ans. = neon light (knee-on-light)
ground
8. ---------------
feet feet feet feet feet feet
Ans. = six feet underground
9. he's / himself
Ans. = he's by himself
10. ecnalg
Ans. = backward glance
11. death ..... life
Ans. = life after death
12. THINK
Ans. think big !!
And the last one is real fundoo............
13. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb....
Ans. long time no 'C' (see)
-
Cindy's joke is wayyyyyyyy too hilarious
)
)
-
Cindy's drunkard joke way
too hilarious
)
)
-
This is a real life incident from a Doctor's experience:
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left". Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked;
He was standing there with both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
-
This fits to this thread? or the amazing facts thread? u decide... and we will as NOV to place it properly...
A beautiful " l o v e " story
A long time ago, before the world was created and
humans set foot on it, God had put all the human
"qualities" in a separate room.
Since all the qualities were bored they decided to
play hide & seek.
"Madness" was one of the qualities and he shouted:
"I want to count, I want to count!"
And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek
"Madness", all the other qualities agreed. So
"Madness" leaned against a tree and started to count:
"One, two, three..." As "Madness" counted, the
qualities went hiding.
"Treason" hid in a pile of garbage.. "Lie " said that
it would hide under a stone, but hid at the
bottom of the lake. And Madness continued to count
"... seventy nine, eighty, eighty one..."
By this time, all the qualities were already
hidden-except "Love ". For stupid as "Love " is, he
could not decide where to hide. And this should not
surprise us, because we all know how difficult it is
to hide "Love".
"Madness": "...ninety five, ninety six, ninety
seven..." Just when "Madness" got to one
hundred........."Love" jumped into a rose bush where
he hide.
And Madness turned around and shouted: "I'm coming,
I'm coming!" As Madness turned around, "Laziness" was
the first to be found, because "Laziness" was too lazy
to hide. "Madness" searched madly and found "Lie" at
the bottom of the lake. One by one, Madness found them
all - except Love. Madness was getting desperate,
unable to find Love.
Envious of Love, "Envy" whispered to "Madness ": "You
only need to find Love, and Love is hiding in the rose
bush."
"Madness" Jumped on the rose bush and he heard loud
cry. The thorns in the bush had pierced "Loves" eyes.
Hearing the commotion God came into the room and saw
what had happened. He got very angry and cursed
"Madness" and said since "Love" has become blind
because of u... ..u shall always be with him"
And so it came about that from that day on, Love is
blind and is always accompanied by Madness.
-
It was autumn, and the Red Indians on the remote reservation asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was Going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members Of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He Went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks ike this winter is Going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service Responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more Wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it Going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect Every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," The Man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Red Indians are collecting wood like Crazy."
This is how stock markets work!!!
-
Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"
Moral
Self-induced hangover -- $100.00
Broken furniture -- $2,000.00
Breakfast -- $10.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk - PRICELESS
-
Found these to be funny!!! Enjoy !!!!
Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a military hospital-door to colonoscopy:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan:
" 7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Another Pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."
On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary! . We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't,
you will be."
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a propane filling station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
-
hey Cindy simply all of them especially loved the last one!
Akash glad to see your still sporting my fav avatar and posting great jokes as well...!
ok don't know if someone posted these before but here it goes:
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a Chinese take-out.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is deciding on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is a tarmac drive.
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Love is a flickering flame.
Marriage is a flickering television.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!”
In short, Love is blind,
Marriage is an eye opener!!!
-
Cindy, Akash & Querida..those were simply great!! Loved every one of those..
Akash..welcome back, was wondering where U were

-
Akash, the last one of yours makes me smile each time I read it.
Cindy, I loved 'Reshma's' reply!

-
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
-
Querida wrote: |
hey Cindy simply all of them especially loved the last one!
Akash glad to see your still sporting my fav avatar and posting great jokes as well...!
|
Grrrrrr......I thought Daffy was your favorite avatar!
Traitor!
-
Caution: This joke may be a bit offensive to sensitive people.
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two." ; "Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four." ; "Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.
The next day she approached Ms. Jones and told her what happened. The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what he did.
Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."
-
Upcoming IT Movies in Tamil Industry:
Chinna Mouse Periya Mouse
Aathaa Naan Java Certificate Vaangitten
En System En Folder
Engalukkum Offer Varum
Aval oru Programmer
Mouse Magesan
Login Aagaamal Ulle Vaa
Mail Anuppa Neramillai
Paar Monitor-ai Paar
(Java) Padithaal Mattum Podhuma
(EJB) Padithu Vaazha Vendum
Dbase-ilirundu Oracle Varai
Thudikkum (Mouse) Pointer
Saranam Internet (Bakthi padam)
Mouse Koduppaal GUIaambaal (Meena/KR Vijaya as GUIaambaal)
Ithuthaandaa Program (Telugu Dubbing)
PM-a Irundaa Enakkenna (Telugu Dubbing)
Vaishnavi MCA (Vijayashanti)
1000 Dollar Vaangiya Aboorva Bench Period
Link-aagatha Code-um Linkaagum
10-m 10-m 100 (Binary)
Manathil Logic Vendum
Code-kkul Bug
Ulagam Suttrum Analyst
Thedi Vanda Consultant
Thottathellaam Dollar-aagum
-
NM wrote: |
Cindy, Akash & Querida..those were simply great!! Loved every one of those..
Akash..welcome back, was wondering where U were  |
Thanks NM
I dunno if its been posted ......
if it is very boring for you in the office, Here are some tips. Try
atleast few of them:
1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.
2. Make blank calls to your Boss.
3. Send mails from ms-mail to your internet mail (and immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your mail?) and read them there.. And note down the time they take to reach there.
4. Watch other people changing their facial expressions while working and try changing your expressions also..
5. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking silly doubts.
6. Have work breaks in between tea.
7. Revise last week's newspaper.
8. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.
9. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.
10. Compile "How to waste your day"
11. Pick up phone and dial non existing no.s
12. Make faces at strangers in office.
13. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at a time.
14. For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle bin and restore them.
Then repeat this process.
15. Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have looked when(s) he was 5 years old.
16. Learn to whistle.
And if you are still getting bored:
Send a mail to yr College egroups stating you r busy, Every one will say "ME TOO"...
-
Sol and Mort are walking from religious service. Sol wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Mort replies, "Why don't you ask Rabbi Schwartz?"
So Sol goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?"
But Rabbi says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Sol goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him. Mort says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Mort goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which Rabbi Schwartz eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."
==========================
A cop stops a drunkard:
Cop: Where are you going?
Drunk: I'm going to listen to a lecture on effects and harm of alcohol.
Cop: At night? And who will give a lecture?
Drunk: My wife and mother-in-law!
==========================
At weddings old aunts used to tease me saying "You are next, you are next."
But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals...!!
==========================
girl: Will you also love me after marriage?
boy: That really depends on the husband you marry.
==========================
God thought that since he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother.
The devil thought that since he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother-in-law
==========================
Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.
-
Here's NOV back in form !!

-
Akash wrote: |
2. Make blank calls to your Boss. |
I would love to,but from the same office?Then may be you can forget that detective agency.

-
Some of you may have read this already.....
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, those are our working hours".
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack - so can you give me the number for Jack?"
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' on top of my desk and I did so - twice".
-
INTERESTING PHONE CONVERSATION
K-"Who's calling?"
W-"Watt."
K-"What is your name, please?"
W-"Watt's my name."
K-"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
W-"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt,
W-"Is this James Brown?"
K-"No, this is Knott."
W-"Please tell me your name."
K-"Will Knott."
W-Why not?
K-Huh? What do you mean why not?
W-Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
K-But I told you my name!
W-Didn't you say you will not?
K-Not not, knott, Will Knott!
W-That's what I mean.
K-So you know my name.
W-Of course not!
K-Good. So now, what is yours?
W-Watt. Yours?
K-Your name!
W-Watt's my name.
K-How the hell do I know? I am asking you!
W-Look I have been very patient and I have told you my
name and you have not even told me yours yet.
K-You have been patient, what about me? I have told
you my name so many times and it is you who have not
told me yours yet.
W-Of course not!
K-See, you even know my name!
W-Of course not!
K-Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?
W-Because I don't.
[Pause]
K-What is your name?
W-See, you know my name!
K-Of course not!
W-Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
K-To find out your name!
W-But you already know it!
K-What?
W-See, and you know mine!
K-Of course not!
W-Exactly!
K-Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name
is, what will be your answer?
W-Watt's my name.
K-No, no, give me only one word.
W-Watt
K-Your name!
W-Right!
[pause before it hits him]
K-Oh, Wright!
W-Yeah!
K-So why didn't you say it before?
W-I told you so many times!
K-You never said Wright before
W-Of course I did.
K-Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?
W-I do not.
K-Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.
W-I do not!
K-Good!
[pause before it hits him]
W-Oh, Guud!
K-Good.
W-No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
K-No, it's Knott!
W-Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud.
K-Yes Wright.
-
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. SILENCE, THE FINAL FRONTIER: WHERE NO WOMAN HAS GONE BEFORE
2. THE UNDISCOVERED SIDE OF BANKING: MAKING DEPOSITS
3. PARTIES: GOING WITHOUT NEW OUTFITS
4. COMMUNICATION SKILLS (PART I) TEARS - THE LAST RESORT, NOT THE FIRST.
5. COMMUNICATION SKILLS II: THINKING BEFORE SPEAKING
6. COMMUNICATION SKILLS : GETTING WHAT YOU WANT WITHOUT NAGGING
7. DRIVING A CAR SAFELY: A SKILL YOU CAN ACQUIRE
8. TELEPHONE SKILLS: HOW TO HANG UP
9. INTRODUCTION TO PARKING
10. ADVANCED PARKING: BACKING INTO A SPACE
11. COMPLIMENTS:ACCEPTING THEM GRACEFULLY
12. CLASSIC CLOTHING: WEARING OUTFITS YOU ALREADY HAVE
13. OIL AND GAS: YOUR CAR NEEDS BOTH 14. TV REMOTES: FOR MEN ONLY
-
Shekhar wrote: |
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
|
SHEKHAR! HOW DARE U?????
Anyway...
to your jokes and nms' .... 
-
Driving Styles ...
One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
- Sydney
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
- Japan
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...
- Boston
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
- New York
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
- Italy
One hand on horn,
one hand on holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on break,
eyes on females in next car,
- Welcome to INDIA!
-
Quote: |
Grrrrrr......I thought Daffy was your favorite avatar! Traitor! |
yela MM you better not be serious...i can have more than one fav avatar...shame though you are so quick to label... 
-
I don't know what's funnier the joke or how desparate Shekhar is to post a previously posted joke!

-
Querida wrote: |
Quote: | Grrrrrr......I thought Daffy was your favorite avatar! Traitor! |
yela MM you better not be serious...i can have more than one fav avatar...shame though you are so quick to label...  |
I was just kidding Q!
Surely you know that I am the biggest clown around here!
PS: In the future, I will make sure that my posts to you will only be serious and not light-hearted, OkyDokey? 
-
Querida wrote: |
I don't know what's funnier the joke or how desparate Shekhar is to post a previously posted joke!  |
Sorry.. Didn't know it was posted earlier. Somehow I had missed it 
-
Shakthiprabha wrote: |
One hand on horn,
one hand on holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on break,
eyes on females in next car,
- Welcome to INDIA! |
That's y we guys planned to hit F1... 
-
Dating hints for gentlemen
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
-
What I Want in a Man - by WOMEN (in case mandangi gets confused by the title)
Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
-
NOV,
" What I Want in a Man - by WOMEN (in case mandangi gets confused by the title) "
The title is more humourous than the joke.
But, be prepared, you'll be called as 'blunt people' for this pun by our 'extraordinary' hubber 
-
scorpio wrote: |
NOV,
" What I Want in a Man - by WOMEN (in case mandangi gets confused by the title) "
The title is more humourous than the joke.
But, be prepared, you'll be called as 'blunt people' for this pun by our 'extraordinary' hubber  |
The reason I put in that qualifier was becos I didn't want yet another post from mandangi, saying that he cannot agree with the conclusions reached.
Now there is no ambiguity. 
-
NOV, i remember reading the Original versions, those are much more funnier....
Still, Your revised version retains the same fun 
-
Don't remember posting this here...anyway, if its a repeat, sorry...getting old!
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome?
Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Air Italy," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Air Italy?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Air Italy's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they upgraded us to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward
who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

-
NM,

-
scorpio wrote: |
NM,
 |
scorpio....won't you agree yr signature should aptly go to mandangi??

-
NM,

-
Politically correct men
He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.
He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.
He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.
You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.
He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He is not short - he is Anatomically Compact.
He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.
He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.
He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.
He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.

-
Fresh Air
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

-
NM,
Still laughing at yr 'Politically correct men' joke.

-
SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?
TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sea sick.
WIFE: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear n comes out of the other.
HUSBAND: You tell a woman something, it goes in both ears n comes out of the mouth.
MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...and are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend: "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
Teacher: How old is your father?
Pupil: My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot!"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam: "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey n stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Teacher:" Can anybody give n example of COINCIDENCE?"
Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand?"
-
PREGNANCY Q & A!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
-
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice. (ahem NM!)
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
-
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cat's facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
-
[quote="Mad Max"]
Quote: |
I was just kidding Q!
Surely you know that I am the biggest clown around here!
PS: In the future, I will make sure that my posts to you will only be serious and not light-hearted, OkyDokey?  |
Surely i do know you're daffy..but i didn't see your smile >>
<<
ok ok i stand corrected...you post however way you like....just don't forget mr. green when you're teasing.... cause mr. green looks serious when he looks like 
-
Why are married women heavier than single women?
hmmmm?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Oh yeah...

-
What do you call an intelligent, good-looking, sensitive man?
A rumour
-
NOV-san im sorry i don't know where you got those jokes....but well WHO are these women?
that made no sense to me... funny you seem more honest when posting about men...cause i can agree to all those truths..i mean jokes...
What men really are saying:
"I had a wonderful time last night." ==> "Who the hell are you?"
"I've been thinking a lot." ==> "You're not as attractive as when I was
drunk."
"I'll give you a call." ==> "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild
dogs than see you again."
"I'm a Romantic." ==> "I'm poor."
"I think we should just be friends." ==> "You're ugly."
"I have something to tell you." ==> "Get tested."
You're the only girl I've ever cared about==> You are the only girl who
hasn't rejected me.
We've been through so much together ==> If it was not for you, I never
would have lost my virginity.
"I've learned a lot from you." ==> "Next!!!!"
"I want you back" ==> ...for tonight anyway.
"I am different from all the other guys" ==> I am not circumsized.
"I miss you so much" ==> I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look
good.
"Want to snuggle?" ==> I noticed you were almost asleep.
"Do you love me?" ==> I've done something stupid and you might find out.
"Do you *really* love me? ==> I've done something stupid and you're going
to find out sooner or later.
"How much do you love me?" ==>I've done something *really* stupid and
someone's on their way to tell you now.
"I don't know if I like her" ====> She won't sleep with me.
"I really want to get to know you better." ====> So I can tell my friends
about it.
"The car isn't running right." ===>I want a bigger engine and more knobs to
play with.
"My tools are obsolete." ==> I can't figure out how to work the old ones
and the commercial says even a chimp can use the new ones.
"I know where I am." ==> Oh God! Where the HELL am I?
"I need new shoes ==> The pair that I've had since high school fell apart
in the rain.
"The remote is broken." ==> Come here wherever you are and change the
channel for me.
"I'm hungry." ====> Make me something to eat
"This kitchen is so inconvenient." ==> I can't see the tv from here.
"The dishwasher is full." ==> I've run out of places to hide the dirty
dishes.
"It's your decision." ==> I'm totally clueless, so you decide and I'll just
take half the credit.
"We need to talk." ==> I need to complain.
"Sure,... go ahead." ==> I don't want you to....but.... I'll use this next
time we fight, to show how supportive I am.
"You're,... so feminine." (Actually a Question) ==> Do you do laundry...cook...windows...bake?
"Let's be romantic... turn out the lights." ==> Beer gut? What beer
gut?
"You want..." ==> I know what you should want.
"We need..." ==> I want.
"Do what you want and sulk." ==> I'll just sit on the couch.
I'm feeling romantic tonight. ==> There's no game on tonight.
I'm not emotional! And I'm not over-reacting! ==> I'm losing my hair.
-
If they can put one man on the moon, why not all of them?
When a woman makes a fool of a man....it is usually an improvement!
Q: What's the difference between men and pigs? A: Pigs don't turn into men when they're drunk!
Equality is a myth - woman are better!
All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one.
Most men prefer looks to brains because most men see better than they think!
The average man is proof that women can take a joke!
A man who belittles a woman in public is only trying to pull her down to his size.
Q: What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain? A: A widower!
-
WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN - A CONTINUING SERIES
"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out
of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene
gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender,
gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides
white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's
dog drooling.
"Good idea."
Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day
gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my
mind." Really means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and
there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the
first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers
of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
Really means....
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before
I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding
your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with
my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary
companions."
"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are
out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means....
"I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means....
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means....
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk
now."
"It's good beer."
Really means....
"It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed
help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new
one."
"I broke up with her."
Really means....
"She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
-
Querida,
Now, I think NOV will jump back to form again! 
-
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:
"Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple haven't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?"
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."
"And what would my wife do then?"
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
-
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant' she is furious. Here she's about to run for senator of New York and this has happened to her.
She calls the white house, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks
pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
-
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "What the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
-
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old woman would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared her. They believed she practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old woman liked the fact that she was feared. To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 68.
Her husband placed a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The old man put down his drink and said, "Let her dig. I had her buried upside down......."
-
//Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.//////
//If they can put one man on the moon, why not all of them?
//
//What's the difference between men and pigs? A: Pigs don't turn into men when they're drunk//
//"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender,
gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides
white." //
//The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"//

-
It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY
has 365' days.
Typical academic year for a student:
1. Sundays-52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.
2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study.Days left 263.
3. 8 hours daily sleep- 130 days GONE. Days left 141.
4. 1 hour for daily playing- (good for health) means 15 days. Days left 126.
5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing
properly & swallowing)-means 30days. Days left 96.
6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means
15 days. days left 81.
7. Exam days- per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.
8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)-40 days.Balance 6 days.
9. For sickness- at least 3 days. Remaining days=3.
10. Movies and functions - at least 2 days. 1 day left.
11. That 1 day is your birthday.
How can you study on that day??????!!!!!!!!!!
Balance = 0
"How can a student pass ??"
-
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
_________________________________
-
A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want
a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible
hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the
dentist which tooth it is, dear."
**************************************************************
-
Hope Adults jokes are taken in stride...Sorry if found indecent
...if given a clue..would nto be repeated...thx
________________________________________________________________
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his p****s into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion
on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could
see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
p****s into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
----------------------------
-
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will
always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of
them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she
was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a
headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.
Adam asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"
God said "an arm and a leg."
Adam said "What can I get for a just a rib???"
The rest is history.
-----------------------
-
Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how
stupid their wives were.
The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to
the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and
we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is
thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he
laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound
like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every
branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when
I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to
Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least
five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have ! a p****s!"
-
1) Teacher tells a student a=b, b=c implies a=c.Tell me an example.
Student : I love u - u love your daughter - so I love your daughter.
2) Three fastest means of communication -
Telephone - Television - Tell-a-woman
3) Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
-
[quote="Querida"]
Mad Max wrote: |
Quote: | I was just kidding Q!
Surely you know that I am the biggest clown around here!
PS: In the future, I will make sure that my posts to you will only be serious and not light-hearted, OkyDokey?  |
Surely i do know you're daffy..but i didn't see your smile >> <<
ok ok i stand corrected...you post however way you like....just don't forget mr. green when you're teasing.... cause mr. green looks serious when he looks like  |
Mr. Daffy Green has taken a hike for a short while but will make a special appearance for my friend Q.
Now I am Der Würger aller Bettlerin Archlöcher, but daffy will be back soon!
[/tscii]
-
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Prison life versus a full-time job
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.
The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves."
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"
-
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: ...You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom mind you): Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sunsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a bathtub in a hotel in San Franscico: Warning: Do not leave faucet running. Tub may overflow.
On dedorant: Warnings: For external use only.
In a manual for an Air Filter that's box says "Never needs filter replacements!": Replace the filter every 2-3 months.
On a saw: Do not put hand under moving saw.
At a ride at an amusement park: This ride may cause motion sickness.
In most error messages you get on a computer: Press 'any' key to continue.
On some electronic devices: Do not operate underwater.
On a hot water heater: Hot water can cause burns.
On an uninstalled outlet: Warning may cause electric shock. Do not stick fingers into open wires.
On a lawn mower: Do not leave child unattended while mowing your lawn.
On a grill used for cooking: Warning. Grill will overheat and cause burns.
On a bottle of lighter fluid: Danger: Flammable
--------------------------------------------------------------
In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
In a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken
Outside a farm: Horse manure 50p per pre-packed bag 20p do-it-yourself
In an office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
On a church door: This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door. This door is kept locked because of the draft. (Please use side door.)
Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: If not back by five, out for dinner also
Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the district council.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
At a motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
In a health-food shop window: Closed due to illness
Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car
Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor
Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons
On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
Norfolk farm gate: Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left
In a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below
-
Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms
IBM
I Blame Microsoft
Idiots Buy Me
Idiots Building Machines
I'll Buy Macintoshes
It Bit Me
It Built Microsoft
It's Better Manually
I've Been Mislead
I've Been Mugged
WINDOWS
Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed
When I Need Data Output Without Speed
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
WIN
Whoppingly Immense NOP
Worm Infestation Netware
MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT
My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology
Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally
Different Operating Systems Expectations:
Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get
MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It
UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno
VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not
Random Abbreviations for Many Computer Companies
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
DEC: Dump Everything and Close
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic
HP: Hot Pursuit
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
MAC: Most Absurd Computer
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WARP: What A Rot Program
Acronymns for Other Computer Terms:
AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
DOS: Defective Operating System
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
SCSI: System Can't See It
WWW: World Wide Wait
-
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang, "Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year."
so, what were you expecting huh?
-
The great Indian English!!
1. A CANDIDATE'S APPLICATION :
" This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'TYPIST AND AN ACCOUNTANT - MALE OR FEMALE' .... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post."
2. AN EMPLOYEE'S LEAVE APPLICATION :
" Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one week leave."
3. ANOTHER EMPLOYEE APPLIED FOR HALF A DAY LEAVE :
" Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave."
4. A LEAVE LETTER TO THE HEADMASTER:
" As I am studying in this school I am suffering from head-ache. I request you to leave me today."
5. A STAFF MEMBER TO THE HEADMASTER :
"I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the class."
6. PAINING LETTER TO THE BOSS:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day".
7. RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH :
" As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it. Please grant me 10 days leave."
-
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there
was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much I dropped my electric
shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the
confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned my thighs, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Oh, these women drivers!!!
-
here's my little contribution on behalf of our misunderstood Canadians eh?
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and
watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Canada?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it.
Sure, the hipporacing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come
naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is....oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every
Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, right after the hippo
races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, We don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. )(USA)
A: It's called a moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the
brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
>Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
>A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
-
Q! NICE!

-
Men & Women in the Business World
a successful man is aggressive
a successful woman is pushy
he's good on details
she's picky
he loses his temper because he's so involved with his job
she's bitchy
when he's depressed (or hangover) everyone tiptoes past his office
she's moody, so it must be her "Time of the month"
he follows through
she doesn't know when to quit
he stands firm
she's hard
he drinks because of the excessive job pressure
she's a lush
he isn't afraid to say what he thinks
she's mouthy
he exercises authority diligently
she's power-crazy
he's close-mouthed
she's secretive
he climbed the ladder of success
she slept her way to the top
he's a stern taskmaster
she's hard to work for
-
A Fairytale For The Assertive Woman Of The 2000's
Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
A beautiful, independent,
self assured princess,
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap
and said:
" Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young Prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night,
on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought:
"I don't think so!"

-
Ha!!!
Ratchasi is back in business!!
Poor little frog! I hope it wasn't NOV!!

-
JG,
You seem to have mastered the knack of inviting yr own BLONKS!! 
-
what to do ?
I suffer from OCMC syndrome!!
Obsessive Compulsive Male Chauvinism!!!
8)
-
No Jaiganesh, you got me wrong; I'm a good sport (I hope!).
Good one AR. had me
Here's one for you....
A drunk who smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
He sat down next to a priest. He opened his newspaper and started reading; a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong-how long have you had arthritis"?
"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it".
-
JG, I can always change the frog to a prarie.
Are you still suffering from OCMC?
NOV, that was
a good one!
-
ratchasi ji !
OCMC is congenital!!
It cannot be cured! blonks on head may lessen the symptom but the dosage of last set of blonks administered by NM was too heavy and as a result increased immunity has been observed in the specimen.
If it were a prarie, the princess would have chosen to kiss rather than kill !!!

-
JG, I am afraid I have to break the news to you.
You poor boy/prarie.
As you are suffering from a congenital disease, I am afraid it is highly unlikely your fantasy would ever take place. No matter how hard you wish! 
-
Ratchasi wrote:
Quote: |
As you are suffering from a congenital disease, I am afraid it is highly unlikely your fantasy would ever take place. No matter how hard you wish! |
There are other praries that do not have OCMC!! I was referring to them!!!
In fact it would have been the princess who would have been begging the prarie to marry her! and hardly the other way round!!

-
Some tid bits for men who are contemplating marriage....
~~~~~
Happiness
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
~~~~~
Longevity
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
~~~~~
Memory
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
~~~~~
Propensity To Change
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
~~~~~
Discussion Technique
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
~~~~~
Comprehension
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
~~~~~
-
Jai,I will take this home to my wife without changing a word.
later on you can meet her with this joke
(fact pa
) as your introduction 
-
Cinefan ji wrote:
Quote: |
later on you can meet her with this joke (fact pa ) as your introduction
|
And All along i was under the impression that you are my friend!!! blonks on the net hurts . never kills, real time blonks can be quite dangerous!!!!
-
Why this sudden 'Ji',I am not Ajit yaar,I am ....(you know)
.Anyways just joking.I will continue to remain your friend(hand on heart).
-
jaiganes wrote: |
ratchasi ji !
OCMC is congenital!!
It cannot be cured! blonks on head may lessen the symptom but the dosage of last set of blonks administered by NM was too heavy and as a result increased immunity has been observed in the specimen.
If it were a prarie, the princess would have chosen to kiss rather than kill !!!  |
Oh! Dear! Jai, really sorry abt the blonks!!!
Didn't know it hurt you so bad
But guess it's worth it for you to remember for ever.......
& legacy to be passed on to scorpio, my next best blonk queen...
By the way, A.R ...love your post!!Just had time to read it!!
Wonder who's the frog, then

-
NM wrote :
Quote: |
legacy to be passed on to scorpio, my next best blonk queen...
|
Yeah! She is the right person for that job now that she is trained by Thamizh naattu poleees!!!

-
seeing how recently hubbers are interested in boss bashing or how to get to their boss-bashing centre i thought i'd post some job-related jokes
Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."
-
An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" asked the architect and artist in unison.
The engineer replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume that you are spending time with the other woman, so you can go to the office and get some work done."
-
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone."
The man below said, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
-
The Rules of Bureaucracy
1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
3. A penny saved is an oversight.
4. Information deteriorates upward.
5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.
8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
-
hope no one thinks i'm posting too many...just wanted to share the laughter
MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
-
Very clever indeed querida!
You diverted the thread and saved me from blonks!!
Thanks very much . You are a life saver!!!
Long live querida!!!

-
Querida,

-
Shekhar wrote: |
The great Indian English!!
1. A CANDIDATE'S APPLICATION :
" This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'TYPIST AND AN ACCOUNTANT - MALE OR FEMALE' .... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post."
2. AN EMPLOYEE'S LEAVE APPLICATION :
" Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one week leave."
3. ANOTHER EMPLOYEE APPLIED FOR HALF A DAY LEAVE :
" Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave."
4. A LEAVE LETTER TO THE HEADMASTER:
" As I am studying in this school I am suffering from head-ache. I request you to leave me today."
5. A STAFF MEMBER TO THE HEADMASTER :
"I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the class."
6. PAINING LETTER TO THE BOSS:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day".
7. RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH :
" As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it. Please grant me 10 days leave." |
Yea.. i have this in my collection... and 3 more...
8. A covering note
"I am enclosed herewith..."
9. A leave application again
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at
home I may be granted leave".
10. Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
-
A female teacher shouting at a college boy,"Yesterday you lied with me,today you are going to lie with me?

-
A Guru was travelling with his sishya (disciple) in a bullock-cart. He needed to rest, so he instructed his disciple to watch the things in the cart and see if anything fell out, and went to sleep. After some time, the road became bumpy and some items fell off. The disciple obeying his guru's instructions, 'watched' what fell out by staring at them until they were out of sight!
When the Guru woke up, he saw the pale face of the disciple. The
Guru asked what had happened. The disciple faithfully related the incident. The Guru patiently explained to the sishya that if anything fell out of the cart, he must stop, pick it up and throw it back in the cart!
The Guru went to sleep again. Shortly afterwards one of the bulls relieved itself. The disciple, executing his guru's words to the letter, collected the dung and threw it in the cart. It landed on the Guru's face, who woke up and realising his disciple's foolishness, became angry. He decided to write down on a paper all the things that were to be collected if they fell off.
The journey continued. After sometime on a sharp bend, the guru himself was thrown out of the cart. The disciple got alarmed. He didn't know what to do.. He checked the list, and not finding the Guru's name on it.he left him lying down and proceeded on the journey.
-
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to a call on an emergency delivery.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his butt again."
-
Caution: A little disgusting!
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep.
All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl
standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for God's sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"
-
Aiyo NOV at the end of the joke I had to run to the rest room to 'cluck' HAHAHAHAHAAA 
-
some political jokes.....
Pearly Gates
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore perish in an airplane crash, and arrive in heaven to find God on his throne. When God asks Gore what he believes in, Gore answers,"well, I believe that the internal combustion engine is the root of all evil, and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole Earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God says, "OK, come and sit at my left".
Then God asks Clinton what he believes in. "Well", says Clinton, "I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should be able to tell someone else what to do". God nods and says ,"come and sit at my right".
Then He asks, "Bill Gates, what do you believe?" "I believe," says Gates, "you're in My chair".
-
18+ Proceed with caution ......
Man on The Moon
Ed: Can this be true or is it an Urban Myth?
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr.Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. A few years back, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.
Mr.Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr.Gorsky.
"Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
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Back to normal joke mode
Electric Chair
A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting
to go in the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner,
strapping him in.
"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and
nothing happened.
Under this particular State's law, if an execution attempt fails, the
prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.
Then the biologist was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it."
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the
biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over,
you might make this thing work."
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Different types of government
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows..
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."
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Jaiganes:
With your permission... would like to add these to the list
Bushism: You have two cows. You invade Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran for more cows.
Blairism: You have no cows but support America in the war. You clean up the mess and cow dung but the Americans get all the cows.
Congressism: You have totally 220 white cows. Some minority red cows from other farms give you milk and dictate terms as to who you sell all your milk to.
Lalooism: You have a few cows. You buy them fodder on government money and the scam trial runs for ever. The cows are armed and dangerous. You enjoy their milk.
Jayaism: You have some cows. They prostrate before you every day (they can do this as none have a backbone). You milk the people and give it to your cows to drink.
BJPism: You had some cows. You either burnt them or "demolished" them and they are gone now. You keep saying that you still have them but no one believes in you.
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:lol ts the congressism, lalooism and BJP ism were hilarious.
the best one of the lot was blairism!!! 
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jaiganes wrote: |
Long live querida!!!
 |
Your welcome
ahem don't know about long live...cause i don't even know if i would like to live thaaaat long...enough to be incapable of taking care of myself...
on the same topic:
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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Holy cow jaiganesh and ts!

-
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE' WHEN.............
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
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Q!
the pine tree joke was hilarious! It showed the immaturity of youth.
The second joke was something I couldn't laugh about. I remembered my late grandmother.
Quote: |
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. |
This was sadly so true...
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-deleted-
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good for you kukubird!
But you post it in a different thread, coz for anything posted here our standard response is ....
Dont mistake me....
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kukubird wrote: |
gandi's grandson is living in Virginia. we met. he is in his 60 i think i saw in airforce base there. he works there as a scientist. this is not a joke. i'm dead serious.  |
Think, Kukubird wud have thought its a GOOD JOKE 
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//gandi's grandson is living in Virginia. we met. he is in his 60 i think i saw in airforce base there. he works there as a scientist. this is not a joke. i'm dead serious. //
kukubird ....why did u ever think of writing this here!!!
BEATS ME!!
May be just she was too confused to see SOME FACTS
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Not sure if this is the right thread but still jokes need not be only for laughter, it can make us think too...
For eligible bachelors like JG, Sandeep, Akash et al working in IT, this is a must read!
A Story about Onsite...s!
One fine day, Vivek's PL Bhatia asks him whether he has any time for a small meeting. Vivek obviously has time and so the two go to a conference room. Bhatia then clears his throat and says "Vivek, there is an on-site requirement. It is in Covina, Los Angeles. It is for six months. I can suggest your name. Do you have any problems?"
Vivek cannot believe his ears. Of course why should any one have
problems going to the Sam land. "Of course no Bhatia.. I have no
problems." he says. Bhatia looks at him very kindly and says "You
better draw up your personal plans with your wife and let me know in a day or two" That's when Vivek remembers that he has a wife.
Then it strikes him that there is a himalayan problem in front of him. Shobana is working in Wipro. She is in the middle of a project in which she is a moduleleader. She cannot leave it all and come to Covina with Vivek. On the otherhand it will be cruel on Vivek's part to leave her here and go to Covina for more than half a year. Moreover, they have just been married. Vivek can stay back. But one day he has to go.. He cannot stay back in India indefinitely. Project requirements are too demanding. Shobana can resign Wipro and accompany Vivek. But what is the guarantee that she would find such a nice job in such a nice company after they come back from Covina?
So Shobana and Vivek discuss this issue. They reluctantly agree to get separated for six months. Vivek hugs Shobana in the airport and says "I will be BACK" in a typical Arnold Scharzegger tone and then boards Delta Airways leaving Shobana in tears.
In Covina Vivek gets lots of work and his stay gets extended by two more months. The days and months move very slowly. Vivek starts counting even minutes. During this period, Shobana's PL Ashish Mehta calls her one day and asks her whether she has any time for a small meeting. Shobana wonders what that meeting is.. They go to the conference room and Mehta tells her about a great on-site requirement in Berlin, Germany for their customer. "It is for six months and you are most suited person for this. I am going to suggest your name. Do you have any problems?" Mehta asks her. Shobana gets excited.. Berlin! She has never been out
of India. So she instantly nods her head. Mehta then smiles and says "Okay discuss with your hubby and let me know in a day or two"
That's when Shobana gets the gravity of the situation. It will be two months before Vivek can come home..... By the time Shobana will have left to Berlin for six months. Shobana cannot decline this as this is an important assignment. That night Vivek spends hundred dollars on telephone to discuss this matter with Shobana. Finally they decide to go ahead. Shobana breaks down in the phone and Vivek breaks down thinking about his phone bill. And then Shobana leaves to Berlin.
One month after that,Vivek comes back to India. Then Shobana calls him almost everyday and they discuss about all petty things on the phone. Shobana applies for a loan to clear her telephone bills.
Vivek gets into a new project which is not yet started. His PL Prateek Ray calls him one day and says that he has to go to Toledo Ohio for the requirement analysis of that project. Vivek frantically says no. Shobana is arriving next month. He doesn't want to miss her. But Ray assures him that the work is only for one month and that he would be back before Shobana comes to India. Thus Vivek flies to Toledo Ohio and gets into the requirement analysis of the new project. That's when he comes to know how difficult it is to retrieve information from the users. You can design a system the user wants only when the user knows what he wants. Vivek gets baffled by the questions his users put.. "Do you think I need those fields "GMG_TYPE_HJHJ_TW" and "Auto_level_ind"? What are they by the way?" The requirements analysis stage continues for three full months at this pace. Shobana comes to India one month after
that. And she tells her PL that she doesn't want anymore on-site
assignments. "I understand" says Mehta and she desperately waits for Vivek to come back to India. It has already been two months over a year since they last met.
Vivek then gets the role of an on-site co-ordinator for this customer. He calls Shobana that night and they really don't know what to do.Shobana offers to resign her job and join him in Toledo. But she is getting 21 grand per month in India and Vivek doesn't want to lose that. "Two more months Shobana and I promise I will be back" Shobana retorts back, "There is no solution for this problem." Vivek gets surprised. "What are you talking about?" he asks her. Shobana fights back her tears. "As long as I am in Wipro I will be getting a lot of on-site opportunities. Even if I decline all of them, what about you? You also work for a software company and there you need to go abroad almost once every quarter. I cannot accompany you as you don't want me to resign my job here. Does that mean we have to stay like this forever? Vivek! I love you and I don't know how I spent fifteen months without even seeing you once. I may not recognize you also if you come in front of me now... Tell me Vivek, is there a solution for this problem?"
Vivek doesn't speak anything for a moment. He then realizes the truth in her sentences. It is a neverending problem. But what about the 20 grand she is getting per month?"Vivek, is money everything? Can't we comfortably live with what you are getting? Please Vivek, try to understand the situation" Shobana breaks
down. Vivek is still undecided. He married a software engineer with a hope that with two incomes he would have a good deal of money to plan their future.
"Let us face the reality, Vivek" Shobana says, "How much are you paying for the phone calls now? More than 20 grand per month. If I am with you there will your phone bill be so astronomical? Just tell me one thing. Won't you be happy having me there with you?" Shobana slowly turns hysterical.
Vivek gets into the crux of the situation. It is true. He has been
spending around 600 to 700 dollars per month on India calls... that is far more than what Shobana is getting then. He thinks and thinks.. for two days he does nothing else but thinking. Finally he decides that he should have Shobana with him all the time from then onwards at any cost. Shobana gladly prepares the resignation letter and submits it. Her PL smiles and says "You've made the right decision Shobana..
Congratulations for the bold step. I understand your problems. Anyway!you have a three months notice period here, right? We have a one month assignment in Singapore..."
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Moral of the story !
1. Never crib over the phone when you can send a card over email!
2. Never marry a software engineer from Wipro
3. Even if you marry, make her resign.
4. Never accept requirement analysis as a task.
5. If you don't agree, better don't get married and enjoy a happy life.
It is tying the knot. yes the difference is it is tied around your neck dude!!
scorpio akka !! enna idhu?
viveknu aarambicheengala edho nalla comedyaa irukkumnu paarthaaa.....
Irundhaalum ....
My standard response ....
ensoy ..
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Enpa JG, warn pannittu thaane post pannen?
Last line padichu soga sirippu sirikarathu thaane??
Ennathu akkava ? okay-da thamby!
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The story goes that when Bill Gates was in India, he saw the common
people facing problems related to Windows terminology. He announced
that Microsoft had plans to release a Windows 2005 version in Hindi.
Here are some Windows related terms that will be used in the Hindi
version of Khirkiyan 2005.
Phaail - File
Bachao - Save
Aise bachao - Save as
Subko bachao - Save All
Mujhe bachao - Help
Chuno - Select
Sab chuno - Select All
Dhoondo - Find
Hilao - Move
Dakiya - Mailer
Paas se dhekho - Zoom
Door se dhekho - Zoom Out
Kholo - Open
Band karo - Close
Naya - New
Badli karo - Replace
Bhaago - Run
Chaapo - Print
Dekh ke chaapo - Print Preview
Kaapi - Copy
Kaato - Cut
Chipkao - Paste
Ispesal chipkao - Paste Special
Goli maaro - Delete
Nazaara - View
Auzaar - Tools
Auzaar ka dabba - Toolbar
Khuli chaadar - Spreadsheet
Iska bhi naam nahin aata - Database
Ghusao - Insert
Ped - Tree
Thooso - Compress
Chooha - Mouse
Tik-tik karo - Click
Idhar-se-udhar, udhar-se-idhar - Scrollbar
Chal phoot - Exit.
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Cindy,
especially- Iska bhi naam nahin aata - Database

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Kukubird,
You are in Bengal. And I think it is still in India. For Heaven's sake, you should know spelling of Mahatma Gandhi.
May be you also think Sonia Gandhi is his daughter.

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Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not
looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus.
Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
The money is always greener in the other guy's wallet.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.
She Who MUST be obeyed
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.
I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a pay check.
When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
My reality check bounced.
I love my cat. My cat does not care.
If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.
My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.
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Funny quotes:
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
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Scorpio!!
Funny thing is when these statements were made, nobody thought too much about their funny side. They were pretty much "Tubelights" then. Am I correct scorpio akka?
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jaiganes wrote: |
Scorpio!!
Funny thing is when these statements were made, nobody thought too much about their funny side. They were pretty much "Tubelights" then. Am I correct scorpio akka? |
I would use the term "Sodium Vapour Lamps" 
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Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
who told you to write about me? 
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<><><><><><><>
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years. He went to the doctor and the
doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the
doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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Quote: |
I've changed my will three times! |
Serious FUN!!!!!
lol
good one NM!
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jaiganes wrote: |
Quote: | I've changed my will three times! |
Serious FUN!!!!!
lol good one NM! |
Yeah, wasn't it!!
That's the trick!!!

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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of
the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's
the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets and remember,
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways - cognac in one hand - cigar in the other - and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride
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Shekhar!!!
I agreee!
BTW there are some female Dr.Lecters who are preparing a recipe based on you. better be careful my friend! 8)
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A priest, a doctor and a fresh engineer die and go the heavens gate, they hear gods voice and it says "My sons i am really very sorry but the heaven is full and i can accommodate only one of u. so to choose the rightful person one by one tell me what u have done in ur
lifetime."
The priest goes up first and says "well god i am a priest i am ur humble servent and have spent all my life working to spread ur message".
The doctor goes up next and says "well i am a doctor and i have helped
thousands of people recover from there illnesses and saved countless lives".
The engineer goes up and says "well I worked as a s/w engineer and...." before the engineer could say any further the heavens' gate opened and god came out with tears in his eyes and said to the engineer "Say no more my son come with me b'coz u have already been through hell."
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Shekhar,
!
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Akash,
Enna sontha kathai soga kathai-ya??
Anyway, one more on software,
There was a lemon squeezing competition. All heavy-weights and wrestlers participated. The competition was to squeeze out one drop of juice from a completely squeezed out lemon. All heavy weights and wrestlers tried but failed even to extarct a single drop of juice. There came a man, well dressed and who looked like a rat near an elephant compared to those muscle-men. He walked on stage, took the lemon and squeezed it without effort. Wow, not one, but many drops of juice came out.
The audience were surprised. The judge asked him what was his profession. He said calmly with a smile,
I am a PROJECT MANAGER!
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My PM claims that he can extract blood out of lemons.
That guy must have been from Infosys. 
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RUN movie song....
Theradi vediyil Devadai vanthaal.......
Think IT guys will like it.....
nadurathiriyil enthiruchi office pona
HCLnu therinjuko
Vidiye kalaiyil veetuku vanthal
CTSnu therinjuko
Pale mail panniyum reply pannalya
TCSnu therinjiko
Ambathu mailuku oru reply adicha
Accenturenu therinjuko
Velai kidachum vettiya ukkantha
Mascon'nu therinjuko
Daily thanni adichu velaiku pona
Hexawarenu therinjuko
> Innavum solren therinjiko Decode panni purinjiko Vaada machchan
> Programmer aaite tan-ta tan-taen Paithiyam pudichi munnuku vanthutte
> tan-ta tan-taen
>
> Vella illanaa kavala vendaam TCS irukkuthu therinjuko, Oh yea, VP poNNa
> lovve panna neraya poi sollanum therinjuko, Oh yea, Career illadha
> cycledhanda Corporate Worldnu therinjuko, Deadline kooda Mega serial
> poola ezhuluthu adikanum therinjiko, innummum solren therunjuko Code
> eluthi purinjuko
>
> Vaada machchan Programmer aaite
> Paithiyam pudichi inge vanthutte
>
> immsai immsaiyo mo, Oh yae! immsai immsaiyo mo, Oh yae!
> immsai immsai, immsai immsai, Don't go!
>
> TL vandhu sirichu pesunaa Velai varudhunu therinjiko, cauvery poala
> Hike thara maruththa Wipro technu therunjuko,dharalamaa Salary
> koduthaal Verizonnu therunjuko, HR dept'la irundhu call vandhaal
> Confirm aagitaaruu therinjiko, innummum solrean therunjuko Treat
> kodduththu therunjukoa vaadaa machchan ...
> vaadaa machchan Programmer aagite
> kirukku pudichu inge vandhute!
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jaiganes wrote: |
My PM claims that he can extract blood out of lemons.
That guy must have been from Infosys.  |
No, must be from Verison

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Akash,
'Song satires'nnu namma NOV-voda oru thread TFM page-la irukku. Pl. post this song there too!
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Akash!
That was a laugh riot.!!!

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Shekhar, Akash....

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Akash wrote: |
A priest, a doctor and a fresh engineer die and go the heavens gate, they hear gods voice and it says "My sons i am really very sorry but the heaven is full and i can accommodate only one of u. so to choose the rightful person one by one tell me what u have done in ur
lifetime."
The priest goes up first and says "well god i am a priest i am ur humble servent and have spent all my life working to spread ur message".
The doctor goes up next and says "well i am a doctor and i have helped
thousands of people recover from there illnesses and saved countless lives".
The engineer goes up and says "well I worked as a s/w engineer and...." before the engineer could say any further the heavens' gate opened and god came out with tears in his eyes and said to the engineer "Say no more my son come with me b'coz u have already been through hell." |
Actually there was one more person with them and he was the town bus driver. He was the one admitted, for the simple reason, he made many people to pray for their lives.
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NOV, good sense of Humour

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A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the
motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart
surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side,
waiting for the service manager to come to take a look
at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to
the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his
hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor,
look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out,
grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this
will work as a new one. So how come you get the big
money, when you and me is doing basically the same
work?" The doctor leaned over and whispered to the
mechanic.... "Try to do it when the engine is running!!!"
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scorpio wrote: |
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the
mechanic.... "Try to do it when the engine is running!!!" |

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Scorpio, that was a good one

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That was a good one scorpio!!
Great going...
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For a change, lets have some spiritual fun....
Zen Joke
So the Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says: "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master. The hot dog vendor responds: "Change must come from within."
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JG,

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JG........
"Change must come from within" 
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A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so I'm sorry, my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick, and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.
Tooth extraction
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
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Akash love that song! 8)
Jaiganesh, NOV-san and Scorpio thanx for brightening up my dull and snow-stormy day 
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I donno if this joke has been told here already...
A few dating terms explained
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and
energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially
like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man
that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many
women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's
eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some
flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man,usually interpreted by the
man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often
than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
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NOV ji!!
Quote: |
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick, and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.
|
Ha ha haaaaa
Haiyyo!
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one more:
Strong Young ManThe strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
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The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
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politically correct ways to say someone is stupid
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
how many angels could dance on his head?
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I got almost killed reading this joke!
bitter person's horoscope
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces screw small animals and pick their noses.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a pain in the butt.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You are quick and intellectual, and are a thinker. People like you because you are a bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap *******. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth ****. You are a butthead.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Most Libra women are whores. They are known as the world's greatest liars, although they pretend innocence and lack of guilt. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting duped.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
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A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!
****************
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
**************
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
****************
A new principal was walking around the school. When he passed by this one classroom he heard a lot of noise, he went in, grabbed the tallest kid who seemed to be making the most noise and ordered him to be quiet and put him in the hallway and told him to stay there.
The principal then went in the classroom to yell at the kids. When he was done, he asked if there were any questions. A girl raised her hand and asked if they could have their teacher back. The principal asked where the teacher was. She said .. he is in the hallway !
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Physics Exam
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work uut the height of the skyscraper.
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqrroot (l/g).
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.
But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Nils Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes
her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches
makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
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kuku!
You must be a blonde then!!!
No offense!
It is the finger that is hurting and she is using that finger to push other parts of body. Obviously the broken finger is going to hurt further! but our heroine doesn't understand that! 
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Kukubird. Great!! We need more like you on this hub

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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue & violet. The old man stared at him.
Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring.
Finally, the teenager said sarcastically: "What's the matter, old boy, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without missing a beat the old man replied:" Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. Just wondering if you were my son."
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A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a
farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," spoke the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are
considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
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New Daffy-nitions
ADULT : A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL : Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS : The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE : A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST : Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST : Someone me-deep in conversation
GOSSIP : A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more
damage.
HANDKERCHIEF : Cold Storage.
INFLATION : Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO : An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN : Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET : Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON : A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE : The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW : One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN : An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES : Something other people have. You have character lines.
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NOV,
My four-year-old likes to say the blessing at mealtimes, usually repeating the same short prayer: "Thank you, God, for this gracious food. Amen."
One evening, however, he thanked the Lord for the birds, the trees, each of his friends, and asked God to watch over his family and help them to be good. I was thrilled that he was finally praying from the heart.
But after the "Amen," he took a spoonful of stew, gasped, then dropped his spoon into the bowl. "I should have said a longer prayer," he said. "My food is still too hot."
**************************
Linda: "What's that you're reading?"
Jill: "A diary."
Linda: What's in it?
Jill: "I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and confidential affair, It has important secret dreams and secret yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared lightly with other people. And besides, this diary belongs to Margaret."
**************************
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"
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A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard
times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to
spend it on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are
you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens
fees, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him
for a home cooked meal.
The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the
man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.
"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like
me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want
her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble
or play golf."
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kuku!
As always, you are most welcome.
so u haven't grown up from watching "Dexter's Lab" huh? That annoying sister didi!! 
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abt your avatar kuku! do u know what it is?
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You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Eighty percent of married women cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
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SCHOOL SCIENCE QUIZ
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (for example, abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
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Minute Management Lessons
Lesson 1
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the **** of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but to his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you did such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job ?"
The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with ****, but now you ask me to make decisions !"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lesson 2
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man.
The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot
to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question,"What can it do?"
To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss !"
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Banta's Accident
"How did the accident happen?" asked the doctor.
"Well," explained Banta, "I was making love to my girlfriend on the living room rug when, all of a sudden, the chandelier came crashing down on us."
"Fortunately, you've only sustained some minor lacerations on your buttocks," the doctor said. "You're a very lucky man."
"You said it, doctor," injured Banta replied. "A minute sooner and it would have fractured my skull."
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Walking into the post office, Joe saw a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter busily placing 'love' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then removed a perfume bottle from his pocket and started spraying the scent on the envelopes.
Jack was overcome with curiosity and asked the man what he was doing.
"I'm sending out 1000 Valentine cards signed 'Guess Who'," the man explained.
"Why?" asked Jack.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.
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Points to Ponder
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
NAIVE
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Why no one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If I played a blank tape at full blast, Would the mime next door go nuts ?
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Work = Force x Distance
W=FD
According to Newton,
Force = Mass x Acceleration
F=MA
By Substitution,
Work = Mass x Acceleration x Distance
Work = MAD
-
Some important questions if you are preparing for a Java interview
Q. What is the difference between an Abstract class and Interface?
A. Terms are different nothing more
Q. What do you know about the garbage collector ?
A. A person who clean the dust bin.
Q. Explain RMI Architecture?
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.
Q. How do you communicate in between Applets & Servlets ?
A. If they are reachable by walk ,I will go in person, else I will use phone.
Q. What is the use of Servlets ?
A. In hotels ,they can replace servers
Q. What is the difference between Process and Threads ?
A. Threads are small ropes.Make a rope from threads is an example for process
Q. What is the order of method invocation in an Applet ?
A. Either ascending or desending.
Q. When is update method called ?
A. Who is update method?
Q. Have you ever used HashTable and Dictionary ?
A. There is a Dictionary named Hash in my table.
Q. What is JAR file ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.
Q. What is JNI ?
A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.
Q. What is the base class for all swing components ?
A. A glass that can be beneath all and which is very rigid.
Q. What is JFC ?
A. Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee
Q. What is Difference between AWT and Swing ?
A. AWT is an acronym .Swing is a word.
Q. How will you call an Applet from a Java Script?
A. I will give invitation.
Q. Why do you Canvas ?
A. To get victory in election.
Q. How you can know about drivers and database information?
A. I will go and enquire in the bus depot.
Q. What is serialization ?
A. Arranging one after ther other from left to right.
Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.
Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
A. Non living things can not communicate.
Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA ?
A. As you wish ,I do not have any objections.
Q. What are virtual functions ?
A. Functions about which we are dreaming.
Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
A. When we sow a binary seed,a binary tree will grow.
Q. What is the exact difference in between Unicast and Multicast object ?
A. If in a society ,if there is only one caste ,then it is Unicast, Else it is multicast.
Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server ? Which methodology will follow ?
A. Send it through courier.
Q. What is meant by flickering ?
A. Closing and opening of eyes at girls.
Q. What is meant by distributed Application ?
A. Distributing application forms
Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.
-
Dear Microsoft Technical Support:
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began giving unexpected errors and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Cricket 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Sports Bar 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend7.0 but uninstall doesn't work
on this program.
With regards,
Joe
---------------------------------------------------------------------
THE REPLY FROM MICROSOFT: -
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
designed by its creator to run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and
it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under alimony Support and Solicitors Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: \I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating
system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as
Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances install Secretary36.24.36 (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported
application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
Thank you for using the program!!
With regards,
Bill
P.S. In no case try to install the free software (Mother-in-Law 1.0) that comes with WIFE 1.0 operating system. Installing the software would lead to Not Responding messages from Wife1.0 operating system
-
-deleted-
-
Some Juvenile stuff
I wrote your name on sand it, got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
I wrote your name on my heart
I got heart attack
God saw me hungry, he created pizza
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created you
Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far
The rain makes all things beautiful
The grass and flowers too
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
Roses are red, violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in the cage, but laughing at you.
When your life is in darkness
Pray to God ask him to free you from darkness
And if after you pray and you're still in darkness
Please pay your electricity bill
-
Cindy, NOV,
Cindy,
I am thinking of printing and distributing Java quiz to my team members!
-
Different Aspects of Marketing
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich, I want to marry you."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback
-
GOOD ONE VELAN.
-
HOW CLEVER ARE YOU GO AHEAD AND CHECK THIS OUT...
Below are 4 questions. Answer them instantly. You
can't take your time.
Answer them immediately. No pencil or paper! OK?
Let's find out just how smart and clever you really
are. Ready? ... GO!!!
FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?
ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are
Absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person
And you take his place, you are second! Try not to
Screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much
time as you took for the first question.
(You know you took too much time.)
SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then
you are...?
ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last,
then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you
overtake the LAST person?!
THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must be
done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or
a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?
ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is
actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is
definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last
question right?
LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters:
Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The
fifth daughter's name is Mary.
Read the question again.
-
NOV,
Customer feedback was great!
Cindy,
Good ones, though I answered them all! Really, believe me!!
-
-deleted-
-
Doubt in Mahabaratha
village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat Katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.
Masterji: 'Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child
is going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n
devki behind the bars.
First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning...
Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak
Third one is born...'
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji,
I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)
'Ramu bete, whole indiadoes not have doubt in mahabharata then
how come u have one?'
Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going
to Kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?
Masterji fainted.........................no answer.....
-
-deleted-
-
Bush: I want to show you the golden old technologies of US. Come with me. (He takes him to a deep forest).
Bush Dig the ground down to 100 feet (Indian did it).
Bush: So now, see if you find anything.
Indian: I see a wire.
Bush: You know, it shows that even 100 years ago, we used to have telephones. (Indian got ..Grrrrr...
), but anyway he invited him to his place in India.
The very next year, Bush visited his place.
The Indian said, Sir its time for me to show you were India stood in olden days. He takes him to a deep forest and asks him to dig down to 400 feet, and Bush did that.
Indian: What do you find there?
Amused, Bush said, "i see nothing here..."
So, Guess what...even 400 years ago, we used to have wireless technology.!
8)
-
My dear FAIR and LOVELY (chand ka tukda),
You are my TVS SCOOTY (First love) and my AIWA (pure passion). I always BPL (believe in the best) and you are SANSUI (better than the best). You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (delivering a million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (seriously fresh) feeling for me. I want you to be my life partner, but i think you are worried about your father who is a KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER ( the unshakable) and my fahter who is a CEAT (born tough), but don't worry, as i am also a FORD IKON (the josh machine) and rest of our family members are pretty KELVINATORS (the coolest ones). If our fathers say no, we will run away and marry, and PHILIPS (lets make things better). They will feel MIRINDA (zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) and i believe COCA-COLA (jo chahe ho jaye). Trust in God who's always NOKIA (connecting people) who love each other, and do not forget that we are WILLS (made for each other). Now that HYUNDAI (we are listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (real taste of life), SATYAM ONLINE (fun fast easy) and PARX (always comfortable). Expecting your reply.
I could write only a little today, but actually PEPSI (yeh dil mange more!).
LG (digitally yours),
XYZ.
-
Two men, hehewalrus and Shekhar were sentenced to die on the same day for sabotaging serious threads. They were led down to the room where the electric chair was. The Admn had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by NOV, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. NOV, turning to hehewalrus, solemnly asked, "Dude, do you have a last request?"
hehewalrus replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love music. Could you please get me Querida to sing for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied NOV.
Then he turned to Shekhar and asked, "Well, what about you? What is your final request?"
"Please," said Shekhar, "Kill me first."
-

-
GIRLS
HARD-DISK Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
WINDOWS Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
SCREENSAVER Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!
INTERNET Girls:
Difficult to access.
SERVER Girls:
Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she
comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............
-
Santa, his wife, Jeeto, and their seven-year-old son, Pappu, walk into an ice-cream shop.
Santa says, "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."
He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"
The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"
"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There are really only three things a man wants in life. First, he wants a nice big car. See that nice big car parked outside? That's mine. Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along."
-
Banta needs a bull to service his buffaloes but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.
Banta complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the buffaloes. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
Banta looks very pleased, "The bull has serviced all my buffaloes, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's buffaloes."
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied Banta.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," says Banta, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."
-
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky and starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him; the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves. The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"
-
-deleted-
-
Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, beca! use that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies,"I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"
-
Women Are Smarter Than Men
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother!
-
Quote: |
"Please," said Shekhar, "Kill me first." |
Certainly i agree with your request since you are hard of hearing what is the use in you hearing me sing and not being able to enjoy it?
Uhhh Cindy sorry but can you please translate the following for me?
(zor ka jhatka dhire se lage), (jo chahe ho jaye), (yeh dil mange more!).
-
Querida:
zor ka jhatka dhire se lage: bayangaramana adi...lesa pattuthu
jo chahe ho jaye: yethu venalum nadakkatum
yeh dil mange more: intha idayam venduthe...more!!!
-
That was a good one Ratchaci.
I really enjoyed it. 
-
scorpio wrote: |
Cindy,
Good ones, though I answered them all! Really, believe me!! |
Scorpio ... I knew you were abnormal.

-
Quote: |
Scorpio ... I knew you were abnormal. |
What more can we say? 
-
Oh!
How I wish the admin uploads the 'Blonk Badri's head' icon faster to the list of emoticons!!
Would have put it to wonderful use today!!
-
Hey, what did I do?
I merely shrugged my shoulders to what Shekar had already so wonderfully stated!!!
-
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
******************************
On the last day of kindergarten, the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son gave her a box. She hook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it flowers?"
"That's right!" said the boy.
Then the candy store owner's son gave her his package. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it a box of candy?"
"That's right!" said the boy.
Next the liquor store owner's son handed her his box.
She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "I bet I know what it is. Is it wine?"
"No," said the boy.
She touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it Champagne?"
"No," said the boy.
"I give up. What is it?"
The boy grinned. "A puppy!"
-
scorpio akka!
why haven't u posted this unforgettable incident (puppy joke) u had while u were teaching in the "unforgettable incidents" thread?

-
Simple! Because I always tend to forget incidents where I acted silly, thambi!!
-
jaiganes wrote: |
scorpio akka!
why haven't u posted this unforgettable incident (puppy joke) u had while u were teaching in the "unforgettable incidents" thread?  |
I can't stop laughing

-
What's the story behind the Real Name
A boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look.
"Mom, why is my bigger brother named Thunderstorm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" "Because we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.
Thoughtfully, Mother paused and asked her son,
"Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"
-
Akash and Jaiganes were digging a ditch on a very hot day. Akash asked JG, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss Scorpio is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded JG. "I'll ask her."
So JG climbed out of the hole and went to Scorpio. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," Scorpio said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?"
Scorpio said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." JG took a mighty swing and tried to hit Scorpio's hand. Scorpio removed her hand and JG hit the tree. Scorpio said, "That's intelligence!"
JG went back to his hole. Akash asked, "What did she say?" "She said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said Akash. JG put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel Akash and hit my hand."
-
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received
as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured
a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more.
Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass
down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "Please give us some wisdom
before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look
on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."
-
Quote: |
"What's intelligence?" said Akash. JG put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel Akash and hit my hand." |
Ayyo Scorpio that was toooooo funny!!!

-
Aaaha! sooper joke akka!
Idhu poala joke ai NOV kooda yosithu irukka mudiyaadhu.
(english translation: Even NOV can't tell an intelligent joke like this).
Long live scorpio akka!
Valarga akkavin pagutharivu .
(eng translation: Let scorpio sister's intelligence grow day by day).
-
-deleted-
-
scorpio wrote: |
Scorpio said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." JG took a mighty swing and tried to hit Scorpio's hand. Scorpio removed her hand and JG hit the tree. Scorpio said, "That's intelligence!"
|
Ha Ha Haaa.......

-
JG, Akash and Badri decide to go hunting. Akash says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. JG and Badri ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."
So JG says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. Akash and Badri ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."
So Badri says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."
So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. JG and Akash ask him what happened and Badri says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"
-
Akka...good one!!

-
How "intelligent" of you scorpio akka!!!
You mentioned software in your profile for occupation.
Must be "custom" software looking at the amount of customization you do and pass it off as your indigenous joke!!
So from today thee shall be known all over the world as "Height of customized intelligence".
The Thambee brigade stands in a line and salutes you as bugles sound off. Doree Harry is all in tears and controls it well, managing to hide it behind the soda buddi. A definite KODAK moment.

-
One day, Scorpio hears from her mother that if she were to do a regular prayer for 4 yrs, a divine "Devi" will come in her dreams & give her 3 boons (Varam). So she decides to do it. She completes 4 years successfully, doing prayer regularly.
On the last day, she sleeps early with great hopes. And, sure enough "Devi" comes in her dreams.
Devi: O Scorpio, you prayed to me regularly for the last 4 years, and I am very very happy with you. I will grant you your 3 wishes. You can ask anything you like, but there is one condition.
Scorpio: Condition!, what is that?
Devi: You have a friend Jaiganes?
Scorpio: Yes.
Devi: When you were in prayer, he was waiting for your blonks, so he has also sacrificed as you. Moreover, he doesnt know anything about the boons, and therefore he deserves some thing better. So whatever you ask, he will get 10 times of that. If you agree, then proceed for your first wish.
Scorpio: (After thinking for some time ... ): OK, I agree.
First, make me 10 times richer than the richest person in the world.
Devi: But Jaiganes will be 10 times richer than you.
Scorpio: It's OK.
Devi: As you wish!
Scorpio: 2nd, Make me 10 times more beautiful than the most beautiful person in the world.
Devi: But Jaiganes will be 10 times more handsome than the most handsome people in the world.
Scorpio: It's OK.
Devi: As you wish then.
Devi: Now the last boon.
Scorpio: O Devi, please give me a MILD HEART-ATTACK.
Devi: What? Are you sure!
Scorpio: Yes. Very sure!
Devi: Well, your wish is granted.
Think friends...
What would have happened to Jaiganes; he would have got a severe heart-attack, while Scorpio remained alive after a mild heart attack. Thus, Scorpio would become the world's most beautiful person and the richest one, too.
Moral of the story: Scorpions are always intelligent! So be careful Jaiganes!
Now, Scorpio and the rest of the girls please stop reading and go on to then next post.
Jaiganes and the boys may continue reading...
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Dear Jaiganes, dont worry, actually what happened was when Scorpio had a mild heart attack, you had a heart-attack, 10 TIMES MILDER than that of the Scorpio. So Jaiganes will live longer than Scorpio, being world's richest and the most good looking person.
Moral of the story: Scorpios like the rest of the girls, are really no match for us guys.
-
NOV,

-
oh yeah, one more thing.... girls NEVER follow instructions.
If Scorpio had listened to me and stopped where she should have, she would be
instead of

-
NOV!!
u are a life saver!!!
I needed that after a hectic day of work!!
But I dont want to act petty. Like Jesus said,
'These blonkers know not what they are doing'

-
Three people, a Srilankan, an Indian, and a Pakistani are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Srilankan student says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Srilanka and free us from the war".
With a blink of the Genie's eye, "FOOM," the land in Srilanka was forever made fertile for farming and the war had ended.
The Pakistani was amazed, so he said, "We lost four wars with India and always fear of being invaded. All i want is a wall around my country, so that nobody from outside can come into our precious Nation."
Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,"POOF," there was a huge wall around Pakistan.
The Indian says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it is about 500 metre high, 50 Metres thick and completely surrounds Pakistan. Nothing can get in or out."
The Indian says, "Fill it with water...now"
-
Quote: |
oh yeah, one more thing.... girls NEVER follow instructions.
If Scorpio had listened to me and stopped where she should have, she would be...instead of... |
That was even better than the joke Nov!!
Hoo hoo hoo for Nov!! 
-
Calls to the helpdesk
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, nothing happens, it must be really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it
yet...it's still on my desk... sorry.
**********************************************
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of
the screen.
Customer: Is that your left or my left?
**********************************************
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on
me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
**********************************************
Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find
it.
**********************************************
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
**********************************************
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
Another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does
work!
-
Calls to the helpdesk II
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.
**********************************************
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a
Capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
**********************************************
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but
nothing's happening...
**********************************************
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you.
Can You please tell me how long it will take
before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button
more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you
will finally be helping me?
**********************************************
A customer couldn't get on the internet: -
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I watched my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
**********************************************
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the
circle around it?
**********************************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed
screensaver on my computer, but every time I move
the mouse, it disappears!
-
How to break bad news...
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh
well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all
that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the...!!! But theres electricity at the house!!!! What was the
candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"
"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."
-
NOV wrote: |
oh yeah, one more thing.... girls NEVER follow instructions.
If Scorpio had listened to me and stopped where she should have, she would be instead of  |
Correction:
Girls never follow instructions given by stupid men!
For JG and Badri:
Weak people always lean on others for support whereas the brave uses their own legs! - Quote for the day by Scorpio akka
Ratchasi - 
-
-deleted-
-
-deleted-
-
"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"
My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."
I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.
But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
Sanjay : "I passed your house yesterday."
Anil : "Thanks I appreciate it."
A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."
I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.
Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
"I couldn't lift the table."
We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn't want to wake the children.
-
We all know that Prime Ministers are wedded to the truth, but like other married couples, they sometimes live apart. - Saki
-
scorpio, your jokes are
!
As for the anbu thollai that you are facing currently, cant you use your wand to do something
to the goats ?
By the way duck, it's ratchasi, no need to add names to it. 
-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
scorpio, your jokes are !
As for the anbu thollai that you are facing currently, cant you use your wand to do something to the goats ?
By the way duck, it's ratchasi, no need to add names to it.  |
Hi Ratchasi,
Wand will be used against my arumai thambees if they don't stop the thollai by this week end. One week is all the time they have bought and am surprised that they are so quiet since morning today 8)
As far as the 'kutty' suffixed to yr name repeatedly, I was thinking for a moment if u knew kuku personally and hence affection has extended till the hub, now, 
-
Aama, scorpio, only that is lacking now!
I may need your help with the wand if the duck keeps on calling me that!

-
A long time ago, India and Pakistan were at war. During one battle, the Pakistanis captured an Indian major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the Pakistani general began to question him.
The Pakistani general asked, "Why do you Indian officers all wear
red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland Indian way, the major informed the general that the
reason Indian officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot,
the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day to now all Pakistani Army officers wear brown pants…
-
really enjoyed those jokes...ok so im going to do the worst and do some MIL bashing
Q: What do you have when your MIL is covered in concrete up to her shoulders?
A: Too little concrete!
I wouldn't say that my MIL was ugly, but every time she puts on lipstick, it tries to crawl back into the tube.
Q: How do you stop your MIL from drowning?
A: Take your foot off her head.
Q: What should you do if you see your Mother-In-Law rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot her again.
I bought my MIL a chair for Christmas, but she wouldn't plug it in.
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my MIL, and I wanted to say, "Could you please pass the butter?" "But instead I said, "You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."
Mother Knows Best: At a senior citizen's meeting, a couple were celebrating their 50th Anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling story of his dating habits in his youth. It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn't like her. So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn't like her.
Q: Why do they bury mothers-in-law 18 feet down, when everyone else is buried 6 feet down?
A: Because, deep down, they really are very nice people.
Q: Why would you rather deal with a vicious dog than your mother-in-law?
A: A vicious dog eventually lets go!
I'm trying to get my MIL to go ice fishing before the ice gets too thick.
Q: What does a MIL call her broom?
A: Basic transportation.
My MIL asked me, "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the mantelpiece (the shelf above the open fireplace)?" I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire."
I have never made a fool of my MIL.
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.
My MIL and I were happy for 20 years.
Then we met each other.
-
MIL- bashing II
woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral procession like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
"My Mother-In-Law was bitten by a dog yesterday."
"How is she now?"
"She's fine, but the dog died."
Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Sure you can." And shut the door in her face.
I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word "mother-in-law" you get the words "woman Hitler".
Q: The difference between outlaws and in-laws?
A: Outlaws are Wanted!!
-
Lessons in Logic
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
........................................................................
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
........................................................................
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
........................................................................
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
........................................................................
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
........................................................................
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
........................................................................
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
........................................................................
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
........................................................................
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
.......................................................................
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
........................................................................
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
........................................................................
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
........................................................................
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
........................................................................
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
-
Bad Timing
A parish priest, Father O'Brien, was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish.
A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was DELAYED in traffic.
Sooo.....Father O'Briend decides to say his own few words while they await the politician's arrival......
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. What is confessed in there to me, is never repeated on the outside. However, I got my first impressions of this parish from the FIRST confession I ever HEARD here.
Realize, please, that I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very FIRST chap, heavy on marijuana, entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had murdered the officer but the law never caught him. Further, he told me he had embezzled millions from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife and many other women of this community.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people at this congregation were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, apologized for his tardiness and then started in on his speech.
"I want to thank you all for letting me say a few words this evening in honor of Father O'Brien. 25 Years is a long time. In fact, when he arrived here, I had the honor of being the FIRST confession he heard at this congregation."
Now that is bad timing.
-
Querida and A.Ratchasi,
Hmmm, what a way to start the day in office! 
-
Good job Q, with your MIL bashing spree!
Although I daresay, MILs are such sweet angels in India. The mappillai is the apple of their eyes (speaking from experience, ahem) and my MIL is welcome any day at my home! And to her credit, she is a darling!
-
Badri,
Intha post-a appadiye print out eduthu wife kitte kamichu nalla per edukalaamnu pakkariya??? 
-
Akka:
Cha, so like a woman...always looking for ulterior motives behind an honest act!
Anyway, I have told my wife about a thousand times by now how much I really like her mom, so there!
-
Querida wrote: |
I have never made a fool of my MIL.
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.
I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word "mother-in-law" you get the words "woman Hitler". |
hahaha
a.ratchasi wrote: |
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives. |
No two words !!!
a.ratchasi wrote: |
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning |
hahaha very true !!
And Bad Timing -
Thanks querida and ratchasi 
-
sbadri99 wrote: |
Although I daresay, MILs are such sweet angels in India. The mappillai is the apple of their eyes (speaking from experience, ahem) and my MIL is welcome any day at my home! And to her credit, she is a darling! |
badri,
MILs are always good to their mApillais.. but to their marumagaLs....
hmmmmmmmm !!
-
Well...I can only quote the name of the Hindi serial, Roshan...
Kyon ki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi...
(Translation: Cos, the MIL too was a DIL once)
-
WARNING: Pl. continue reading only if you have a sportive mind. Refrain if you tend to get too personal.
Questions /statements not to be asked/made to our fellow hubbers
Niro - Do you know 'pa' has been banned as an unparlimentary word by the National council of human rights?
Badri- Heard the cost of peanuts has gone down drastically in Australia, is it true? ( You have to browse Indian food section to understand)
A.Ratchasi - I want to give you a 'kutty' present which is a 'kutty' puppy. Its name is also 'kutty'.
NOV - Do you really carry a 'Vel' with you wherever you go like our 'Tenali' Kamal?
RR - There is a donation of $ 10000 to the forum hub, but the remitter's name reads as 'Al Qaeda'.
JG - B'lore corporation is going to make MG Road into a 'pay and enter' road and a parking fee for parking yourself there for long hours.
lordstanher- Write the correct spellings of the following words you misspell 1000 times - Anyway, That, right, what, some, have, you, are, your, anything, anybody, because
Raghu - Are you really acting with a tonsured head in the film' London wallah'?
Mandangi
- Write imposition 500 times- I will henceforth not lie that I am an extraordinarily talented and a beautiful person.
More will follow, depending upon the response! 
-
WARNING: Pl. continue reading only if you have a sportive mind. Refrain if you tend to get too personal. And if you started off with a sportive mind, but got too personal reading this...well, tough luck!!
Scorpio: Heard the software industry in Chennai is now paying people to customise and post jokes in FH. Also heard special appreciation awards have been instituted for those who actually design and build their own jokes. Is it true?
Anyway, nice effort!
-
Badri,
Nice try..

-
@ scorpio
-
That is not how you do it, ratchasi, this is how you do it..

-
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It
was addressed, "Mom."
With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with
trembling hands: Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm
writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid
a scene
with Dad and you.
I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice-even with all his
piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the
passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He
already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole
winter.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams
too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be
growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John
can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card
that's in my desk center drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
-
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Bin Laden is still alive", Bin laden decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game. Dubya opened the letter and saw only a coded message: "370HSSV-0773H." He couldn't figure it out, so he asked Karl Rove.
Rove suggested that the head of the CIA would certainly understand code, so Dubya sent it to George Tenet. Tenet, however, couldn't figure it out, either. He suggested, "How about Condi? She has a doctorate, that means she's smart." But, Dr. Rice was baffled, too.
As Dubya was pondering the mysterious message, which lay on the desk before him, Colin Powell came into the Oval Office. When he saw the paper and read what was written on it, he asked, "Sir, where did that come from?" Bush replied testily, "Supposedly it's a message from Bin Laden. But what the hell does '370HSSV-0773H' mean?"
Powell cleared his throat and replied, "Mr. President, I think you've been looking at the message upside down."
-
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"...
”Yep", the wife replied instantly, "in-laws."
-
TS i thought hmmm not a good idea to stand on one's head while on a swivel chair....but then thank god the answer dawned on me...hmmm i got a couple of ppl who would like to see that message
Hey Scorpio very good work!
i'll laff until you post something on me...then i'll just laff harder 
-
-deleted-
-
oh my! i think someone has let their avatar possess them!

-
Quote: |
I thought we going to have one joke per day. I don't like to read that much, and this is not enjoyable. dumbing a lot in one day. |
k.bird@sedusa, you have got the option to read 1 joke per day, you know. 
-
Querida,
After seeing your MIL jokes I too thought of sharing one here...
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and MIL. Halfway through their trip, the MIL dies. So the guy goes to an undertaker, who explains that they can ship the body home, but it'll cost $5000. Or they can bury her in the Holy Land for $150.
"We'll ship her home," says the son-in-law.
"Are you sure?" asks the undertaker. "That's awfully big expense. And I can assure you we do a very nice burial here."
"Look" , says the SIL. "Two thousand years ago they buried a guy here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
-
God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter.
"You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"
St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head, then said, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."
God shook His head before saying, "No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"
-
hahaha it's a Dan Brown joke I guess . Good one !!
-
scorpio wrote: |
WARNING: Pl. continue reading only if you have a sportive mind. Refrain if you tend to get too personal.
Questions /statements not to be asked/made to our fellow hubbers
|
Hey, I had missed it. Great ones...
Here are some more..
PP mam: Each post in FH is limited to three sentences only.
Mellon: Fonts in the hub are standardised. No increase in size, no colouring, no bolding..
Geno: Thou shall not preach..

-
This married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies,
"I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
===============================================
...and to end the week...
I cant help but laugh at this one... enjoy...
Subject: FLASH FROM ENGLAND
BREAKING NEWS
Camilla is very pleased with the wedding arrangements, but has turned down the Queen's offer of a weekend
in Paris with a car and a driver.
-
Ratchasi ace point! 8)
Shekhar i was surprised to find no hubbers names in your joke this time
TS
tell the queen not to give up on her more than generous offer
Roshan
*************************************************
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
-
When i read this joke i was like What???
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
-
Hello,i posted as johhny babu, drake etc.. iam sorry for saying bad things abt different people. i will not visit this site again.u r superior to me an i realise that. please forgive me.
-
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-deleted-
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scorpio wrote: |
WARNING: Pl. continue reading only if you have a sportive mind. Refrain if you tend to get too personal.
Questions /statements not to be asked/made to our fellow hubbers
|
Scoripio.......
What can I say??

-
not bad!!

-
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Guiness Stout and gulped his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a gulp from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can enjoy drinking this bitter - yucky stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
-
Shekhar wrote: |
scorpio wrote: | WARNING: Pl. continue reading only if you have a sportive mind. Refrain if you tend to get too personal.
Questions /statements not to be asked/made to our fellow hubbers
|
Hey, I had missed it. Great ones...
Here are some more..
PP mam: Each post in FH is limited to three sentences only.
Mellon: Fonts in the hub are standardised. No increase in size, no colouring, no bolding..
Geno: Thou shall not preach..
 |
Shekhar,
You beat me on PP ma'm's statement.. I was about to post it.
Now, some more-
Rohit - All posts on this site shall be in English only. Mathematical equations of any sort is highly discouraged.
Sudhaama- Practice your next 100 posts with only one full stop after every sentence. Dragging sentences with too many dots in between will result in taking away your points on the hub.
-
...appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery...:
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got under way immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first
safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said "at least we'll have a bit to eat. "The robbers opened up a second safe,and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond or an ounce of gold. Instead all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed,the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortable full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
ready for this ????????
squeamish/faint hearted please close or look elsewhere.
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING
-
Trisha: Dr. naan shampoo potu kulikava illa soap potu kulikava!
Doctor: Muthala thaapa potu kulima!!
-
A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.
"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s***!" exclaimed the eager salesman.
"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.
The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"
"We just moved in, there's no electricity in the house!"
-
Akash,

-
...only in America.....
A guy bought a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $38,000 ($600+ monthly payments). He and a friend went duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen in winter. These two guys went to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer, and of course, the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake and got ready.
Now, they wanted to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, which is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee came a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists did take into consideration the ice. They placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), because they didn't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They decided to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. (Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog?)
Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog took off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captured the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hit the ice. The two men yelled, screamed, wave arms and wondered what to do now. The dog, cheered on and kept coming. One of the guys grabbed the shotgun and shot the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stopped for a moment, slightly confused, but continued on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, became really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners had gone insane. The dog took off to find cover under the brand new Cherokee.
----BOOM!----
Dog and Cherokee were blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the Lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company said that sinking a vehicle in a lake by llegal use of explosives is not covered. They guy had yet to make the first of those $600+ a month payments!!
...and you thought your day was not going well!
-
Advertisement for a Wife
FISHERMAN
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of
motorboat.
SALESMAN
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article.
One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has
own house, car and successful career!
ECONOMIST
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high.
However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.
MATHEMATICIAN
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.
IT CONSULTANT
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve
efficiency.
Compatibility couldbe an issue.
BUSINESS MAN
Wife wanted for company.
POLITICIAN
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to
harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social
responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society................. (etc
etc and never getting to the point)
CAR DEALER
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition.
FARMER
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.
LAWYER
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with
evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.
PILOT
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants.She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have
her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!
BANKER
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.
ACCOUNTANT
Required a girl - 5'8' & 36' 24' 36' with a good head for figures. She
must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as
possible. She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her family.
PARTY GUY
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a drinks factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come round. Friends come round only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to bar. Meet personally in a bar or send
drinks for trial. Sample should be ample.
MINICAB DRIVER
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from x-ud, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but map reading skills are a bonus.
BUILDER
Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.
DOCTOR
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.
ARMY COMMANDO
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.
RACE CAR DRIVER
A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep pace!
ASTRONAUT
I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!
-
Fisherman: why fish? just cook and eat worms
5'8? Definitly no asian gurl need apply!
hmmm Party Guy should just stay bachelor
awwwwww how sweet:
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life.
****************************************************
Gurl: why does the bride always wear a white dress?
Mom: Because white defines peace and happiness.
Gurl: Then why does the groom always wear black?
Mom: Well, the opposite of why the bride wears white.
*****************************************************
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
***************************************************
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
"We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.'
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once'."
*****************************************************
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a con-ciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
-
Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Andy came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny.
When Uncle Andy came into the bedroom, he saw the Little Johnny Kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.
Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.
Little Johnny looked up and said, "What are you doing?"
"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Andy.
"Mom is going to be mad", said Little Johnny.
"Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Andy.
"Because the bed pan's on this side!"
-
Doctor: "I see you`re over a month late for your appointment. Don`t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What`s your excuse?"
Patient:" I was just following your orders, doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders?, what are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
-
Q, 'That's once' is simply
!

-
British scientists at the Royal Air Force, built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers at NASA heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new low flying stealth aircrafts. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the America.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Americans sent the disastrous results of the experiment to Britain, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
The Brits responded with a one-line memo --
You're going to love this...
"Defrost the chicken."
-
Hi ppl....BEFORE I VANISH FOR COUPLE OF MONTHS....here something I wanted to share... ENJOY.
__________________________________________________________________
(great to see hyderabadi back in this thread... WELCOME HYDERABADI. missed ur good jokes)
___________________________________________________
EGGS
Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept
under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their
marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while
cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it
was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other
time but hadn't.
In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very
strange so she went to Fred and asked, 'Why are there 3 eggs in a box
under our bed?'
He replied, 'Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in
the box.'
Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she
consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20
years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. 'But where did the 10
thousand dollars come from?' she asked.
'Every time I got a dozen, I sold them.'
-----------------------------
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
_________________________
It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive
a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the
wheel, you can be sure he is married.
_________________________
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married. My parents helped
us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my
girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one
thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one
thing was her younger sister. My prospective
sister-in-law was twenty years of age.
One day little sister called and asked me to come
over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings
and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and
didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to
her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a
word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched
her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went
straight to the front door. I opened the door and
stepped out of the house and walked straight towards
my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With
tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test.
we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"Always keep your condoms in the car"
____________________________________________________________
-
Because I'm a man....
when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.
-----------------------------------------------
when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
-----------------------------------------------
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like
milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin"
or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
-----------------------------------------------
when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
-------------------------------------------------------
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).
-----------------------------------------------
I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should
stop and ask someone.
Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
-----------------------------------------------
there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
-----------------------------------------------
I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to
see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
-----------------------------------------------
you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
-----------------------------------------------
I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?
-----------------------------------------------
and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
--------------------------------------------
-
Quote: |
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator). |
That is so true!! What is it with us men and the remote? The urge to be in control, do you think????
-
Short, short story
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "will you marry me?"
She said, "no."
And the guy lived happily ever after...
-
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
-
Some more marriage jokes...hope we can dissuade Thambi JG from tying the fatal knot...
1. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
2. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener!
3. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
4. Marriage is an institution where two people come together to joint solve the problems they never had before they got married.
5. Marriage is like a fortress under seige - those inside are fighting to get out, and those outside are fighting to get in
6. The wise never marry; if they do, they become otherwise
7. My favorite: Every man must get married; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
-
NOV,
For yr 'Because I'm a man',
Atlast, you've found the guts to speak the truth! Congrats!
Badri,
Enna joke post panni enna, JG-yai moonu naala kanavillai!! 
-
Hi ppl....BEFORE I VANISH FOR COUPLE OF MONTHS....here something I wanted to share... ENJOY.
__________________________________________________________________
(great to see hyderabadi back in this thread... WELCOME HYDERABADI. missed ur good jokes)
___________________________________________________
Thanks - Shakthiprabha
-
FUN FOR THE YEAR
http://uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/attachments/buildabetterbush.htm
-
Akash...
Absolute time pass....good one
-
Great thread guys... I'll make it a point to chk this thread daily...
Quote: |
Every man must get married; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life. |
I believe the same applies to women too...

-
Arguing with your Boss is like
wrestling with a pig in mud.
After a while you realize that
while you are getting dirty,
the pig is actually enjoying it.
Help a man when he is in trouble and
he will remember you
when he is in trouble again.
Complex problems have simple,
easy to understand wrong answers.
It is not exactly cheating,
I prefer to consider it
creative problem solving.
Behind every successful woman,
is a man who is suppressed.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness,
didn't know where to shop.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems,
but then again, neither does milk.
Most people are only alive because
it is illegal to shoot them.
I'm not a complete idiot,
there're still some parts missing!
Forgive your enemies but
remember their names
The number of people watching you
is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome.
-
Akash wrote: |
Arguing with your Boss is like
wrestling with a pig in mud.
After a while you realize that
while you are getting dirty,
the pig is actually enjoying it.
|
Akash,
P.S : Can you pls. tell me the name of your PM? 
-
God only knows, if that PIG is around

-
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
***********************
Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," came the reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
-
scorpio,
!
-
Dont know if these have been said here already.. but anyway.. some stree relievers for the Friday...
Stress Reliever # 1
Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: it is very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Stress Reliever # 4
Wife: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife : "What? At 2 a.m?!"
Husband: "Yes, We used night clubs."
Stress Reliever # 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE."
Stress Reliever # 6
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Stress Reliever # 7
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in a 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He is the original owner."
Stress Reliever # 8
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it.
She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had requested. The men went to carve it in, but being the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."
Stress Reliever # 9
Interviewer: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
-
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby. “She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, There’s nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.
-
A poor, ill educated man created the billion dollar Reliance industry.
Two business graduates from Stanford and Wharton Business School are busy breaking it up.
That's education.
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! WHAT A RIDE!!!
-
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
*******************
I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN...
...the new policy on harassment included a photo of me.
...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
...my secretary says things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.
...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.
-
A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."
-
The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her
house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the
wild
sex they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his
shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the
house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary
and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up
until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying *******!
You've been playing golf!".
**************************************************************************
The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son
they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure
enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father
rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife
and
told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
***********************************************************************
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he noticed the size of his manhood.
I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It
has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's
private bit. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something
to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
**********************************************************************
Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the
room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought
one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went
to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "Eat something. I stood like an
idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a
lass
of water."
**********************************************************************
The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. The bartender replied, "Yes."
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "But that comes to real
money. A whole 4 cents."
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his
business."
********************************************************************
The Sixth Affair
From Jimmy's diary:
" I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so
we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing
was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of
age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend
down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had
to
be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married and she had feelings and desires for me
that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told
me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up
and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up
the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front
door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards
my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family."
I said to myself, " Thank god that I forgot condom in car..."
***********************************************************************
The Seventh Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight
vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his
pale lip began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said.
"Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, I have something
that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I slept with your
sister, your best friend, her best friend and even your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "That's why I poisoned
you....."
-
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh, killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females" he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
-
Discoveres That Men And Women Made
The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP
The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION
The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
The woman discovered CARDS and invented KITY PARTIES.
The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
The woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things...
While the women STUCK to shopping.
-
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after
the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."
-
Please get up!
Once a newly married couple had a quarrel as a consequence of which, all conversation between them stopped. Unfortunately the husband was to attend his office very early the next morning.
So he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me up at 6 a.m. tomorrow morning," and kept it beside his wife s pillow.
His wife read it and went to sleep. He woke up very late the next morning and got very angry. He looked ferociously at his wife, but she calmly pointed towards his pillow. Under his pillow he found a piece of paper.
On it was written, "Please get up, it is 6 o clock now."
-
Sorry if you are NON - IT guy!!
If girls were programmed in C
the code for their structures would have been like this....
struct female_professionals
{
double styles;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge;
char non_co-operative;
};
struct beautiful_city_girl
{
double boyfriends;
short affairs;
long stories;
void greymatter;
char flirt;
};
struct newly_married_females
{
double dinner_invitation;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_break;
void bank_balance;
char hen_pecked;
};
struct married_females
{
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossip;
float hopes;
void word;
char unstable;
};
struct old_lady
{
double chin;
short memory;
long sighs;
void attention_from_men;
char chatterbox;
};
struct husband_wife_professionals
{
double income;
short tempered;
long time_no_see_each_other;
void love_life;
char money_making;
};
struct engaged_females
{
double time_on_phone ;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding;
char edgy;
};
-
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
-
Anniversary !!
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the dark, stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She got out of bed, cautiously went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She opened the door to the cellar and went down to the steps to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying.
She asked him, "What`s wrong with you?"
He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years."
Baffled, she said, "Yes."
The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today."
-
Child support
John finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.
"No, she's broke," he said.
"Well, then, is it sex?" she inquired.
"Nobody does it like you, babe!" he replied.
"Then what can she do that I can't?" the woman tearfully asked.
"Sue me for child support!!"
-
Girlfriend!
After directory assistance gave Rosy, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Adam there?" Rosy asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Rosy said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Rosy dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Adam," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" Rosy exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
-
Upside down!!!
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old b*astard dig. I had him buried upside down."
-
Getting Older!!
Mona and Julia are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Shifrah is upset because she thinks her husband doesn`t find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn`t bother to look at me!" Julia cries.
"I`m so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Mona.
"Yes, but your husband`s an antique dealer.
-
New Fathers
A Pole, an Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.
"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.
"Certainly not," he retorts.
"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.
"How about you?" she asks the Jew.
"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."
-
Nothing to lose
A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30 PM.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
"Now, what?!!"' he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
-
The Truth!
A man`s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they`ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife`s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty mad.
"Where the heck have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
``Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and..."You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
-
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber
looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The
guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the
door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers
and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop
and asks,"How long before I can get a haircut?" The
barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour
and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and
says, "Hey,Bill, do me a favor, will 'ya? Follow that
guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he
has to wait for a haircut,
but then doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop,
laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where
did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says,
"Your house."
-
Thanx alot Akash and Hyderabadi for those hilarious jokes
well after all that fooling around...
there's got to be some divorce jokes !
Question: Why is divorce so expensive?
Answer: Because it's worth it.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering
For Sale
Wedding dress, size 12.
Worn once by mistake.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. -- Lewis Grizzard
I must admit, you brought religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you saw your ex-wife and her lawyer drowning in a swimming pool, would you...
go to lunch or the movies?
-
The Drunk and The Nun.
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.
Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.
So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.
"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
The Bat.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
-
Querida wrote: |
Question: Why is divorce so expensive?
Answer: Because it's worth it.
For Sale
Wedding dress, size 12.
Worn once by mistake.
|
God, its too much
Querida, really missed your jokes & posts!! just peep in Miscellaneous Topics too 
-
Alternate to Divorce
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up and he is now doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says,
"Is here anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "… the airbag!"
Logic in Divorce
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"
Mickey’s Divorce
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"
Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not???"
The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"
Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honour! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f****g Goofy!"
-
I loved the mickey one!!!!

-
Event : An insect falls into a mug of beer...
Reactions :
Englishman:
Throws his mug away and walks out
American:
Takes the insect out and drinks the beer
Chinese:
Eats the insect and throws the beer away
Japanese:
Drinks the beer with insect as it is coming free
Indian:
Sells the beer to the American and insect
to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.
Pakistani:
-Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer
-Relates the issue to Kashmir
-Asks the Chinese for Military aid
-Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer
-
Beer vs P**ussy
A beer is always wet. A P**ussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot. A P**ussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: P**ussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold P**ussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. P**ussy does not.
Advantage: P**ussy.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming P**ussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: P**ussy
24 beers come in a box. A P**ussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: P**ussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: P**ussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad. If you come home smelling like P**ussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: P**ussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much P**ussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: P**ussy
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a P**ussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: P**ussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells P**ussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: P**ussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.
P**ussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: P**ussy
If you think all day about the next P**ussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: P**ussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of P**ussy is more fun.
Advantage: P**ussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. If you try to snag a P**ussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: P**ussy
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a P**ussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best P**ussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: P**ussy.
The worst P**ussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad P**ussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: P**ussy
Good P**ussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: P**ussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: P**ussy.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: P**ussy.
-
uhhh that last joke was not in my sense of humour range...anyways here's my contribution today!
Things Mom Would Never Say
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
*****************************************************
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"
"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."
*****************************************************
Things My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING...You are going to get it when we get home.
and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE..."One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."
*****************************************************
A small boy is sent to bed by his father...
[Five minutes later]
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
*****************************************************
(i love this one
)
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
-
One elephant and two ants were fighting.
One of the ants was thrown away by the elephant. But the other ant gets a good grip and sits on the elephant.
Now, what did the wounded ant say to its comrade sitting on top of the elephant?
.
.
.
.
.
Machan avane vidathe!!Amukke!
-
...good one a.r...
-
a.r.! your joke reminded me of another one from Thenkachi K. Swaminathan in the radio program "Indru oru thagaval".
Two persons are watching a tight football game and at the end they were talking.
person 1: a very close game indeed.
person 2: yes, very close game, in all my lifetime, I have never seen a game like this one.
person 1 gets very upset with that statement. why?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
because person 1 was a 60 year old man and person 2 was his grandson of age 5 !!!
-
Shocking letter
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.
Love
Your daughter, Mary
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!
-
Who's the father?
A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop.
He finds one and then begs, "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight."
Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.
After a while the cop turns to the kid and says, "Okay, which one's your father."
The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."
-
Legacy
Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me fifty thousand."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me ninty thousand."
"I'd like that."
"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
"How you look so glum?"
"This week nothing!"
-
Insufficient Funds
A young blonde college co-ed came running in tears to her father.
"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
-
Hunting Blondes
Two Blondes were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
The first blonde says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second blonde finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits for an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first blonde finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the second blonde if he did what he told him to do.
The blonde answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
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• Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.
• Santa's inventions:
1. Waterproof towel
2. Solar powered torch
3. Book on how to read
4. Pedal powered wheel chair.
• Banta: Y does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the movie GUIDE?
Santa: B'coz Dev Anand says: 'O mere humrahi, meri baanh thame chalna, badle duniya SARI, tum na badalna'
• Pilot Santa asking permission to land said, "Guess who?"
Controller Banta switches the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
• A politician's most important ability is to foretell what will happen tomorrow and next month and next year - and to explain afterwards why it didn't happen.
• There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment:
What happened to this one?
I don’t know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.
• "Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.
"Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Jim.
"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?"
"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"
• "Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."
• A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman & said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him & said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
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• When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old.
• Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
Millionaire: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.
• Q: What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Maro dikro Dubai gayo?"
A: My son drowned.
• Q: What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma gayon" ?
A: Ramesh's son failed in statistics...
• Q: Why did the Gujju go to London?
A: To see BIG BEHN.
• Q: Why did the Gujju go to Rome ?
A: He wanted to listen to POPE music.
• Gujju Premi: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa, Kuch narm sa, Kuch namkin sa, Kuch mitha sa kaho!
Premika: Dhokla.
• Jeeto: If I die what'll you do?
Santa: I may also die.
Jeeto: Why?
Santa: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.
• Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
• Teacher: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
Johnny: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.
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HyderAbad, Some of your jokes are good and some of them are inappropriate, my thoughts.
Love these laughamaniacal(is that a word
) jokes! Thanks for contributing everybody!!!
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Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop|
| programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks |
| of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in |
| the Sunday market. |
| |
| One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table |
| and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his |
| childhood (the woodcutter and the axe), he started praying to the |
| River Goddess. |
| |
| The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one|
| month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost |
| his computer in the river. |
| |
| As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a |
| match box and asked, "Is this your computer?" Disappointed by the |
| Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, "No." |
| |
| She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was|
| his. Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all!!" |
| |
| Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it |
| was |
| his. The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes." |
| |
| The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give|
| him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the |
| engineer asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me|
| some better computers before bringing up my own?" |
| |
| The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you |
| stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the |
| Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!". So|
| saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!! |
| |
| Moral: If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it's better|
| keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a fool than to |
| open your mouth and remove all doubt
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Teacher: "What is the spinal column?"
Student: "A long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom."
Got it from... http://www.jupiterscientific.org/sciinfo/jokes/miscellaneousjokes.html
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FALAK KE TEER KA KYA NISHANA THA
IDHAR MERA GHAR, UDHAR USKA AASHIYANA THA
PUHUNCH RAHI THI KINARE PE KASHTI-E-UMEED
USI WAQT IS TUFAN KO BHI YAHAAN AANA THA!!!!!!!!
Mera janaza nikla, sari duniya nikli
Mera janaza nikla, sari duniya nikli
Par woh na nikli jiske liya mera janaza nikla
hows this????????????????
===============================================
First time home buyers loan
First time home buying tips
-
juliee roddick wrote: |
FALAK KE TEER KA KYA NISHANA THA
IDHAR MERA GHAR, UDHAR USKA AASHIYANA THA
PUHUNCH RAHI THI KINARE PE KASHTI-E-UMEED
USI WAQT IS TUFAN KO BHI YAHAAN AANA THA!!!!!!!!
Mera janaza nikla, sari duniya nikli
Mera janaza nikla, sari duniya nikli
Par woh na nikli jiske liya mera janaza nikla
hows this????????????????
===============================================
First time home buyers loan
First time home buying tips |
Yeh to Shayari hai....? Keh lateefa hai? Jo bhi hai, it's nice
...
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Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
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You know what's scary about that Scorpio? I wasn't shocked to find the answer
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK
1 "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2 "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
3 "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
4 "Amen"
5 "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
6 "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
7 "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
8 "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
9 "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
10 "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
QUOTES FROM EMPLOYEE APPRAISAL REPORTS
1 Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2 His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3 I would not allow this associate to breed.
4 Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5 When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
6 He would be out of his depth in a puddle.
7 This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8 She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9 This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.
10 This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
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Judge : GITA pe hath rakhkar kaho...
Accused : SITA pe hath rakhka tho court me aaya ab GITA pe hath rakha tho kya hoga?
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Hyderabadi wrote: |
Judge : GITA pe hath rakhkar kaho...
Accused : SITA pe hath rakhka tho court me aaya ab GITA pe hath rakha tho kya hoga? |
sorry maybe this will totally ruin the joke but what does your joke translate to in english 
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Judge : Place your hand on Gita and swear...
Accused : Oh God! I was brought to the court for laying hands on Sita, now what will happen if I lay my hands on Gita as well...
That's what it translates to, Q
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thanx Badri!
...nice i could still enjoy the joke as well 
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Querida wrote: |
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
|
Querida,

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4 quick steps to cook Maggi
Step 1 - Boil water in a pan
Step -2 - Add Maggi noodles and tastemaker as soon as Ganguly goes into the pitch to bat
Step 3 - Stir till Ganguly stays in the pitch.
Step 4 - As soon as Ganguly is back at the pavilion, your noodles is ready!
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scorpio!!!
Vendha punnil vaelai paaichiteengo!!!
(eng translation: Adding insult to injury!!!)

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oru match thOtha udana captain-a mattum kuRai solluRathu.. hardly sounds a joke

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Roshan,
This is not about Ganguly's captaincy or the loss in Blore match. This is about his pathetic batting form which is driving sports columnists in Indian newspapers crazy. ALmost every paper has written columns exclusively on Ganguly's falling averages over the past couple of seasons. Infact, Hutch is carrying out an ad campaign featuring Rahul Dravid with the tag line-Rahul's waiting. The newspapers have interpreted this tag line as though Rahul is waiting to grab the captaincy so that Ganguly can impove his performance in the midle order.
Etho Mandangi-ya konjam ottinom-grathukaaga ellathayum tappu solla koodathu Polees madam!
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Hi All,
What is the next number in the series
21, 12, 12, 1, 2, ...
Scroll down for answer
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Come on ..
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Only Ganguly knows it. Because these are his scores in the Test series (But sure it would be single digit score) I am not blaming the captaincy here!! an indian cricketer who climbs himself a Batsman!! 
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Adapaavi Akash -nalla neram parthe intha joke-a post panrathukku.. Ippo Roshan-um, A.ratchasi-yum namma kaadhai thirugiduvaanga.
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Maybe someone told him 1 and 2 are his lucky numbers, so he is trying different combinations of it??? I'd say he's fairly exhausted them, then!
Of course, he could try 121 but that seems to be a looooooooooooong way off for him!
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scorpio wrote: |
Adapaavi Akash -nalla neram parthe intha joke-a post panrathukku.. Ippo Roshan-um, A.ratchasi-yum namma kaadhai thirugiduvaanga. |
Actually, it was the best time for that joke!!!!! Sort of clarifies yours, in case people didnt get it, dont you think?
People like me, I mean, who don't follow cricket!! 
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scorpio wrote: |
Etho Mandangi-ya konjam ottinom |
konjamaa? ithu ithu ithu joke-u
Vivek our padathula vadivEluva paarthu sirippaarE -- hahaha.. ayyayyO.. thangaa mudiyalaiyE .. appadinnu.. antha mathiri sirikkiREn ippO
Thanks for the laugh Harry madam !!

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Was it that funny, Scorpio? Did you laugh too?
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sbadri99 wrote: |
Was it that funny, Scorpio? Did you laugh too? |
She wouldn't have coz, she did not intend it to be a joke . But unintentional jokes are more funnier to others.
But tt wouldnt sound funnier to you I know coz, you are yet to recover fully from the banging shock

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Roshan clarified and wrote: |
But tt wouldnt sound funnier to you I know coz, you are yet to recover fully from the banging shock  |
Ah, that must be it! For a moment, I was shocked! Thought I had lost my funny bone! 
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It's a matter of bully bone and not funny bone

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And Akash,
Dont waste the forumhub space unnecessarily.. antha space-la uruppadiyA naalu joke pOtturukkalaamla ..scorpio kadaisiyA pOtta maathiri 
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scorpio wrote: |
Adapaavi Akash -nalla neram parthe intha joke-a post panrathukku.. |
come on, in this independent nation, a tax payer cannot say a batsman who is representing the nation??
scorpio, you could be a real dictator!!
When he has rights to ask us to eat Tiger Biscuit, even we have rights to wonder even we wud get such runs after eating it

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Quote: |
When he has the right to ask us to eat Tiger Biscuit, even we have rights to wonder if we wud get such runs after eating it |
Akash!!! You are atrocious!!!
That seriously is a good joke!!!!
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Roshan wrote: |
And Akash,
Dont waste the forumhub space unnecessarily.. antha space-la uruppadiyA naalu joke pOtturukkalaamla ..scorpio kadaisiyA pOtta maathiri  |
Roshan,
Atha oru vazhiya joke-nnu accept panninathukku mikka nandri.
Didnt know u r a Ganguly fan!!
Akash, Inimela naan ethavathu joke post panna, athe subject-la dayavu panni innoru joke post pannathe pa!
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Akash wrote: |
come on, in this independent nation, a tax payer cannot say a batsman who is representing the nation??
When he has rights to ask us to eat Tiger Biscuit, even we have rights to wonder even we wud get such runs after eating it  |
Akash, what happened ???
all of a sudden you have started talking like the Captain - not captain Ganguly but Captain Vijayakanth . 
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scorpio wrote: |
Didnt know u r a Ganguly fan!! |
hahaha ithuvum nalla joke-U 
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scorpio wrote: |
Roshan,
Atha oru vazhiya joke-nnu accept panninathukku mikka nandri. Didnt know u r a Ganguly fan!!
|
Akka you are mistaken. What Roshan meant as a joke was the one she was rolling on the floor and laughing for.
Right, Roshan?
(see, neenga sonna mathiri, bang head stop pannathum, moola super aa vala seyuthu!)
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Huh!! trying to be smart.. but puriya vENdiyavangaLukku sariyA purinju thank-um paNNitaanga.. too late pa. Konja relax paNNittu appuRamaa vERa Ethaavathu try paNNi paarunga
badri wrote: |
(see, neenga sonna mathiri, bang head stop pannathum, moola super aa vala seyuthu!) |
illa illa konja nErathukku after shocks irukkum.. Sumatrala maathiri 
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Oops.. oversight pa! Vayasayidhuchu illa !! ( ippo itha vechu oru ramayanam aarambikatheenga.. naan saapida poga poren)
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naanum saapda pOganum.. appuRam paakalaam
anyways thanks for the good laugh guys .. 
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My Favorite.....A scientist, once having decided that he could master the intricacies of DNA, decided to go to God and tell Him that He was out of business. He went up to God and said, "God, we understand DNA now. We understand cloning, so we can make life. We don't need you anymore."
And God said, "Is that so?"
And the scientist proudly said, "Yes. Why don't we have a test, and I'll show you we've got it licked?"
And God said, "Fine. Why don't we make a person?"
The scientist said, "Fine. I can do that."
God said, "Why don't we make the person out of mud, the original way?"
The scientist said, "Oh, ho, ho, I can do that."
So God took a handful of mud, and the scientist took a handful of mud. And God said, "Oh, no, no. You get your own mud."
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Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
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Some Ganguly Jokes now
Once, Dona, Sourav Ganguly's wife called Saurav on his mobile. Anil Kumble picked the mobile since Saurav has just gone to the field for batting.
"Hi Saurav," Dona said.
"Sorry, he is batting. This is Anil," Kumble replied.
"Oh, sorry," Dona said. "Where is Saurav? I have a very important thing to discuss with him."
"He is just gone for batting," Anil said. "Should I ask him to call you when he will be back here?"
"No, No," Dona said. "I will hold, he will return soon."
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Q: When would Ganguly have 100 runs against his name?
A: When he is bowling.
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After the shameful defeat of Indian cricket team with Pakistan, the team members were not able to show their faces to people and they chose not to go in public and rather just pack up in hotel rooms.
Pathan could not resist for too long to be in the hotel and not be able to go out shopping and have fun. So he disguises himself as a Sardar and goes out. he meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who greets him "Hi Irfan!"
Surprised for having been caught he comes back and makes himself up as a muslim woman - in Burkha etc and goes out. Yet same again - the same woman greets him "Hi Irfan!".
Pathan comes back determined to give it yet another try with the make up of a Hippie wig and shorts etc. All in vain - the same lady catches him again and greets him "Hi Irfan!".
Bewildered by now, he could not help asking, "How did you recongise me?"
The lady replies - "I am Ganguly!!!”
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10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
Ayyo Shekhar that was sooo funny!
TS that last joke i would have never guessed....great one! 
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The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.
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13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
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The Health Secretary is visiting a psychiatric ward, and asks the Head Psychologist "How do you determine if a patient is cured?"
The psychologist explains, "We take them to the bathtub, which is
filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub."
"I see," says the Health Secretary, "the cured person would choose the cup because it's bigger, and would empty the tub faster ?!!."
"Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply
pull the plug."
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Akash...if you keep this up I'll have to soon prove that im sane as well...just pull the plug right?...just in case i forget
"Sir, What is the secret of your success?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"And how do you make right decisions?"
"One word."
"And, What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions."
-
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to the bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
-

-
4 SIMPLE STEPS TO MAKE MAGGI NOODLES:
Step 1: boil one cup of water 8)
Step 2: as soon as ganguly goes for batting, put the noodles in the
boiled water and put the tastemaker.
Step 3: stir till ganguly is onfield.
Step 4: As soon as ganguly is back in
pavilion, your noodles r ready to Eat !!
Serve Hot! 
-
Sorry Friends,
By mistake, I gave a very long time to Ganguly's batting with the following heading.
4 SIMPLE STEPS TO MAKE MAGGI NOODLES:
Please re-read as,
4 SIMPLE STEPS TO MAKE 2 MINUTE MAGGI NOODLES.
Reason,
Ganguly reaches the pitch
Asks for guard = 30 seconds
Looks around and at sky=30 seconds
Digs the pitch=15 seconds
waits for the bowler to ball=15 seconds
Gets out at first ball and walks back to (un)dressing room=30 seconds.
End of time....two minutes over.
-
"I'm scared," Banta said to one of his friends. "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife."
"Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."
"Easy for you to say."
"You like her that much?" the friend asks.
"It's not that," declared Banta. "He didn't sign his name!"
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Santa and and his wife, Jeeto, went to a fair. Santa had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much aride would cost.
"Rupees one thousand for 3 minutes" the pilot replied.
"That`s too much" said Santa.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I`ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you`ll have to pay me the whole amount."
Santa and Jeeto agreed and went for a thrilling ride.
After they landed, the pilot said to Santa, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said Santa, "but I gotta tell you, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
-
Preeto arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband, Banta, in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, Banta stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn`t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn`t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don`t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, `Is there anything else that your wife doesn`t use anymore?` And so, here we are!"
-
BMW cars were having back mounted engines earlier.
Santa purchased a new BMW and was driving back to home very happily. On the way the car broke down. Santa came out of the car and opened the bonnet, trying to fix up the problem. Immediately began to sweat.
By that time Banta came by that way and saw our Santa, totally confused and sweating, trying to search something inside the bonnet, and asked him what was the matter.
Santa: "The BMW people made me fool.They have given me the Car without the engine."
Banta: "Don`t worry. I have spare engine in the back of my BMW. You can take that."
-
Aaj Tak gets news that 100 sardars are killed in a train accident at Amritsar
station. Only one sardar left alive.
The correspondent goes to him and asks, Sardarji how did it happen?
Sardar: oh ji pucho mat.. sab kuch sahi tha sab log platform par khade gaadi ki
wait kar rahe they. Achanak announcement hui ki shatabdee express 2 no. platform
par aa rahi hai. Jaise hi sab ne suna ki gaddi PLATFORM PAR aa rahi hai, sab log
apni jaan bachane ke liye patri par kood gaye. Aur tabhi gaddi patri par aa
gayi.
Aaj tak: Thank god. Aap ne samajhdari dikhayee. Aap patri par nahin koode.
Sardar: oe nahin ji main to suicide karne ki iye patri par hi leta tha. Jaise hi
announcement hui main to platform par chad gaya.
-
Sardar reads a board, 'Likhnewala' brilliant, padhnewala 'idiot'
becomes angry rubs the board and writes
'padhnewala brilliant, likhnewala idiot'.
-
Santa happened to participate in a competition, which was about writing the shortest story. The organizers had put a condition that a story must have four ingredients viz. religion, sex, suspense and mystery.
Santa's turn came after many attempts by others. Santa gave a story, which was just one sentence and read: "Oh God, my wife is going to deliver a child".
Ostensibly amused, the organizers asked Santa whether it contained all the four ingredients! Santa replied affirmatively and gave his explanation as below:
Oh God: religion; my wife: sex; going to deliver a child: suspense (whether a girl or a boy);
"Okay...but where is the mystery?" asked one of the
organizers.
Santa replied, "Who is the father?
Santa was declared the winner for writing the shortest story!
-
TAMILIANS
One Tamilian is a fugitive sandalwood smuggler.
Two Tamilians is a suicide-bomb squad.
Three Tamilians is a classical music school.
Four Tamilians is a Jayalalitha fan club.
ANDHRAITES
One Andhraite is a cycle-rickshaw driver.
Two Andhraites is a spice shop.
Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites is the Telugu film industry.
BENGALIS
One Bengali is a rosagulla shop.
Two Bengalis is a black-and-white movie.
Three Bengalis is a Mohun Bagan support group.
Four Bengalis is a Marxist movement.
MALAYALEES
One Malayalee is a narial-pani shop.
Two Malayalees is a boat race.
Three Malayalees is a Gulf job racket.
Four Malayalees is an oil slick.
RAJASTHANIS
One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller.
Two Rajasthanis is a mason.
Three Rajasthanis is a puppet show.
Four Rajasthanis is a folk dance-drama.
GOANS
One Goan is Remo Fernandes.
Two Goans is a Feni distillery.
Three Goans is a football club.
Four Goans is an all-night-long beach party.
MANGALOREANS
One Mangalorean is a supari seller.
Two Mangaloreans can_t stand one another.
Three Mangaloreans is a kamat restaurant.
Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani Sabha.
BOMBAYITES
One Bombayite is a hawker.
Two Bombayites is a film industry.
Three Bombayites is a slum.
Four Bombayites is the rush-hour train crowd.
MAHARASHTRIANS
One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor.
Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi match.
Three Maharashtrians is a Ganpati procession.
Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha.
GUJARATIS
One Gujarati is a share broker in a Mumbai train. Two Gujaratis is the total chatter in a Mumbai train.
Three Gujaratis is a rummy game in a Mumbai train.
Four Gujaratis is a dandiya-raas session all night long.
KUTCHIES
One Kutchi is a kirana shop.
Two Kutchis is a stationery shop.
Three Kutchis is a saree shop.
Four Kutchis is the entire Bombay retail trade.
SARDARJIS
One Sardarji is a truck-driver.
Two Sardarjis is a roadside dhaba.
Three Sardarjis is a terrorist outfit.
Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes.
SINDHIS
One Sindhi is a currency racket.
Two Sindhis is a papad factory.
Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop.
Four Sindhis is a lot of gas around.
BIHARIS
One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis is a caste category.
Four Biharis is the total literate population of the state.
BHAIYYAS
One Bhaiyya is a milkman.
Two Bhaiyyas is a bhelwala / panipuri wala.
Three Bhaiyyas is a temple-destruction squad.
Four Bhaiyyas is a halwai shop.
(And 12 Bhaiyyas is one SMALL family).
KASHMIRIS
One Kashmiri is a boatman.
Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris is a tourist agency.
Four Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit.
KANNADIGAS
One Kannadiga is a coffee estate.
Two Kannadigas is an Udupi restaurant.
Three Kannadigas is a pepper powder factory.
Four Kannadigas is an anti-Cauvery squad.
PUNJABIS
One Punjabi is chhole-bathure 5 times a week.
Two Punjabis is one bottle of whisky in one night.
Three Punjabis is a public fistfight.
Four Punjabis is 200 kg of excess weight.
PARSIS
One Parsi is a sentence punctuated with BC_s and MC_s.
Two Parsis is a doctor and a lawyer.
Three Parsis is a 75-year-old man and his two unmarried sisters.
Four Parsis is half their remaining population.
-
Hemant Trivedi wrote: |
4 SIMPLE STEPS TO MAKE MAGGI NOODLES:
Step 1: boil one cup of water 8)
Step 2: as soon as ganguly goes for batting, put the noodles in the
boiled water and put the tastemaker.
Step 3: stir till ganguly is onfield.
Step 4: As soon as ganguly is back in
pavilion, your noodles r ready to Eat !!
Serve Hot!  |
Dear Customers,
We have received many compliments after we shared our recipe of 4 easy steps to cook Maggie. However we have received a very important complaint which we need to share with you all.
One of our regular customers, Mrs. Radha Pai, from Meerut had written to us that she tried out the recipe to cook Maggie during the first ODI between India & Pak.
She says that she followed all the steps correctly and was eager to have her breakfast. But she found that the Maggie was hardly fully wet and hence was not properly cooked.
We thoroughly apologized to our customer on behalf of our captain who returned back to the pavilion even before the Maggie was properly soaked in water.
In this regard we request all our customers to take a precaution and to wait for the Maggie to be cooked until after the re-plays.
Remember, even if Ganguly is back well before 2 minutes, the replays would ensure your Maggie is rightly done.
The management once again apologizes for any uncooked Maggie's during the first ODI.
Regards,
Customer Care Centre
MAAGI FOOD PRODUCTS
-
Akash...Konnutinga...

-
Akash,
Cant help laughing
even if Roshan comes after pelting us!! Our captain has 'proved' himself in the second ODI too.. 
-
Akash you devil!!!!!

-
Akash,
That was too good!!!
-
Medical Opinions
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend, "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that,"
The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think?"
Then one of the students said, "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
And the old man said, "You thought, but you're wrong."
Then the other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
And the old man said, "You thought, but you're wrong."
So they asked him, "So what do you have?"
And the old man said, "I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but I was wrong."
-
Anything?
A student comes to the office of a young professor. Before entering, the lovely young lady glances in both directions down the hall, then closes his door behind her and kneels down before him, pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean", she whispers, "I would do... Anything!"
He returns her gaze, "Anything?"
"Yes,... anything", she says!
His voice softens, "Anything?"
"Anything", she repeats again.
His voice turns to a whisper, "Would you be willing to ... study?"
-
Three Soldiers had just gotten out of the Army and decided to celebrate by taking a helicopter ride.
One of the soldiers is eating a banana and says, "I wonder if we’d be able to see it land, if I threw the peel out?"
Out goes the peel and they all watch it but don’t see it land.
One of the others has a rock and says "This is bigger, we should be able to see it land."
They all watch, but don’t see it land. The last one takes a grenade out of his pocket, pulls the pin and tosses it out of the door.
"We’ll see that when it hits."
They watch, but still nothing. Walking home they see a little girl crying and they ask, what’s wrong?
"Well I was walking and slipped on a banana peel that came from nowhere."
The soldiers explain what happened and are helping the girl home when they see a little boy sitting on the side of the road holding his head. They ask what happened?
"I was walking when a rock hit me on the head."
They tell the story again and start to wonder what happened to the grenade.
One of them races ahead and sees an old lady laughing hysterically. He asks what’s so funny?
The old lady says, "I just farted and my house blew up!!"
-
L E M O N J U I C E
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a Rs 10,000 bet. The bartenderwould squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people like weightlifters, wrestlers, body builders, etc had tried over time, but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a safari suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
fist around the lemon and 5-6 drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the Rs 10,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
"No," replied the man. "I work as a project manager in a software company!"
-
ha ha! ha ha! Wait! i don't get it!
@ Akash
Disorder In The Court
Things people actually said in court:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well I can see pretty well I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
****************************************************
Things people actually said in court II
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.
****************************************************
The DA stared at the jury, unable to believe the "not guilty" verdict he'd just heard. Bitterly, he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"
The foreman answered, "Insanity."
The attorney responded, still incredulous, "I could understand that. . .but all twelve of you?"
-
Querida that was so funny
You repeated several of them two times.. 
-
thanx gooshi for telling me
fixed it
...well hopefully
these two cracked me up the most:
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
(oooooh ouch!
)
-
My favorites
...
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q;She had three children right?
A:Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
-
A Texan, a New Yorker, and a New Jersey resident were drinking their favorite beverage in a bar.
The Texan drained his glass of tequila, threw the half-full bottle up in the air, drew and fired his pistol, shattering the bottle. The other two were shocked at his ruining perfectly good tequila.
The Texan, however, simply drew himself up and announced: "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila."
The New Yorker, not to be outdone, drained his glass of wine, threw the half-full wine bottle into the air, drew and fired his pistol, also shattering his bottle.
Looking over at the other two with an air of superiority characteristic of New Yorkers, he announced, "Where I come from, we have plenty of fine wine and the best of everything!"
The New Jersey resident drained his bottle of Yuengling Lager, threw it up in the air, drew his pistol and shot the New Yorker dead. He then caught the bottle on the way down and showed it to the Texan: "Where I come from," he said slowly, "we recycle bottles AND we have too many f***ing NewYorkers."
-
Querida,
Nice ones!! 
-
Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely,
this must be a sign from God!". The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
-
village of India, one masterji is teaching the
Mahabharat Katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.
Masterji: 'Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars.
First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning...
Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak
Third one is born...'
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji,
I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)
'Ramu bete, whole indiadoes not have doubt in mahabharata then how come u have one?'
Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to Kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?
Masterji fainted.........................no answer.....
-
Excellent!!!!!!

-
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...ok"
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
This is how business is done!!
It is up to us to give ourselves recognition. If we wait for it to come from others, we feel resentful when it doesn't, and when it does, we may well reject it.
-
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.......... "HEBREWS"
-
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Excuse me, but I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes and he'll supply all of your clothes."
Because of the long hours," she continued, "meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bull-shittin' me!" The social worker says, "... well, you started it."
-
TS that last joke was so cruel but funny!
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your **** cat."
****************************************************
A guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua decide to go to a restaurant and get something to eat.
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher replies, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
"Sorry, Sir. No pets allowed," announces the door man.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The door man inquires, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He responds, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The door man says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua thinks, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed," announces the door man.
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The door man inquires, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua replies, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
***************************************************
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the truth, " he replied, "Rollo seemed a little depressed to me!"
*****************************************************
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires
Why do Elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks
*****************************************************
Why do elephants paint their feet yellow?
To hide upside down in bowls of custard
Have you ever seen an elephant upside down in your custard?
Then it must work
****************************************************
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you." The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," said the psychic, "Next semester in her biology class."
****************************************************
There was a really cute princess walking through the woods, and she heard a voice calling, "Hey Really Cute Princess!" She looked around and didn't see anyone but a frog. She started to walk on but the frog called again. "Hey Really Cute Princess, if you take me home and let me sleep on your pillow, I will turn back into a Handsome Prince!"
It had been a very boring day so she decided to give it a try even though she really didn't believe the frog.
The Really Cute Princess took the frog home with her and let him sleep on her pillow. When she got up the next day what do you think she found? There on her pillow sat a really Handsome Prince.
Do you believe the story?
Well neither did her mother!
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Dont We love the Irish
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
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This policeman was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do."
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line
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A couple in their seventies went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Park, FL.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The old man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140.
We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare
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Funny One Liners
I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.
A day without sunshine, is like, you know, night.
Tact is the ability to tell a person to go to hell and have him be happy to be on his way.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
People have the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Some people type so fast that forget to include
Save the animals, eat a vegetarian.
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Quote: |
A day without sunshine, is like, you know, night.
People have the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.
Save the animals, eat a vegetarian. |
A pharmacist tells a customer. In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription.
A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.
*****************************************************
Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned."
*****************************************************
Fun things to do on the elevator:
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream 'that's mine'.
Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Ask, 'Did you feel that?'
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again.'
Call out 'group hug', and then enforce it.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
-

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If any good hubber friend is a lawyer please excuse it's just that 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name
Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What do you call an honest lawyer?
An oxymoron.
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?
Because deep down, they're really not that bad!
What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
Nothing.
There are some things even a pig won't do!
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.
"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.
"What's the bad news?"
The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."
"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"
"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
What do you call a lawyer who doesn't know the law?
A judge.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
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Nobody is ever satisfied, Poor men wish they were rich, Rich men wish they were handsome, Bachelors wish they were married & Married men wish they were Dead!

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dev wrote: |
Nobody is ever satisfied, Poor men wish they were rich, Rich men wish they were handsome, Bachelors wish they were married & Married men wish they were Dead!  |
What say badri, blahblah, shekar especially abt the last bit? 
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Ahem...I wouldn't go that far!
I have kinda got used to incarceration, jail term...I'd rather be alive in the marriage prison than be dead outside the marriage prison!! 
-
Do hi pal office mein,
Guzare hain khush haal,
Ik Boss ke aane se pehle,
Ik jaane ke baad
*Yoon-hi tum office mein aate ho,
Yaa koi kaam ka iraada hai ?
Fraud mere pehchaanta nahin,
Mera PL bhi kitna saadaa hai
Hum hain programmer bekaar ke,
Hum se kuchh na boliye,
Jo bhi project hame mile,
Bugs bhar ke code kiye
*Kar chale, imple-ment, ye function saathion,
Ab tumhaare hawaale, core dump saathion
*E mere programmer, kahin aur chal,
Bugs se ye product bhar gaya,
Crash dekh ke customer dar gayaa.
*Boss aaye hamaare cubicle mein,
Gazab ki timing hai,
Kabhi hum boss ko,
Kabhi comp pe chal rahe game ko dekhte hain
===============================================
Mortgage Rate CalculatorIntresting Site!!!
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dev wrote: |
..... & Married men wish they were Dead!  |
It should be
Married men wish they were ELSEWHERE!! 
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A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns, but he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
-

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Humor: Property laws of a toddler
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
-
that was very cute Gooshi!
-
...That was a good done DS...
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Deep_Secrets wrote: |
Humor: Property laws of a toddler
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours. |
Aren't these property laws of GIRLS IN LOVE?!!

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what shekhar?
Think that roasting is over? Think again buddy! What gooshi shall we restart shekhar roasting again?
BTW the joke u posted was hilarious

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Shekhar wrote: |
Deep_Secrets wrote: | Humor: Property laws of a toddler
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours. |
Aren't these property laws of GIRLS IN LOVE?!!  |
Aaah Shekhar, ...
...I thought it was a good idea to change the title
...but with you around
....
Thanks everyone for liking it
...
JG it seems like that's what our 'gentleman' wants,... why not?
...every post of his seems to says 'bring it on!!!'
...
-
HIS and HERS Road Trip
HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.
opens window
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air
Pulls up to a 7 -11
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer
Curses the night
Curses you
Curses the large slurpee
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all
But she is laughing inside...
And of course you're still lost.
-

-
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It made of concrete."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "No, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof.
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'"
-

-
Quote: |
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "No, she white." |
That part was just tooooo goood!!!!

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Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says " Man, it's hot in here!" The other sausage shrieks "Oh my God! It's a TALKING sausage!"
Stupid but hilarious!!! 
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Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton are travelling on a long ride to their hometown. They stop over at a gas station to fuel up. They fill up the gas and when they are about to leave, the guy at the gas station says a big hello to Hillary and waves her a goodbye.
Hillary : You know who he was. He was the guy who proposed me first at college.
Clinton : (proudly) Imagine , if only you had accepted his proposal....you would have been the wife of a gas station guy.
Hillary : No way, By now he would have been the president !!
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Whatever Roshan and other sympathizers may think, just couldn't resist the temptation to post this WORLD"S SHORTEST JOKE-
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GANGULY IS A BATSMAN
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That was tempting....
In that case, how about: Ganguly is a captain...
No, wait wait, I have got it...Ganguly is a cricketeer!!! 
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Badri,
Whatever you say, critics, experts and fans agree positively to a large extent about Ganguly's ability to lead. Only his form with the bat bothers everyone so much that the famous maggi noodles joke is being forwarded with so much frenzy and I've received it via mails and SMS atleast a dozen times 
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Ouch! Don't explain jokes, Akka! It hurts!!!!!!

-
I will give you another short joke.
Once Scorpio was thinking...
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Shekhar wrote: |
I will give you another short joke.
Once Scorpio was thinking... |

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Shekhar wrote: |
I will give you another short joke.
Once Scorpio was thinking... |
another Ganguly fan 
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scorpio wrote: |
Whatever Roshan and other sympathizers may think, just couldn't resist the temptation to post this WORLD"S SHORTEST
|
Wonder why you are so desperate quoting me all the time when you quote Ganguly.
Anyways I'm glad that you are reminded of me when ever you think of Ganguly as much as I'm reminded of you when ever some one mentions Mandangi
What ever it is I really felt sorry for Ragul boy in the last two one dayers. When Afridi was smashing all over with sixers and fours they were focussing the cameras more on Ragul expecting that he may break down any moment.
Now please dont say he did his best with the bat.There's much more to do when leading a team. Ragul definitely lacks the ability of leading and for that matter I see no proper replacements to Saurov in any of those guys in the Indian team. That's experts' opinion too.
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scorpio wrote: |
another Ganguly fan  |
No no he did try to match your 'short' joke and succeeded indeed
Please dont jump into conclusions as in the case of mine. You can never 'guess' my favourite player. 8)
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Roshan,
I thought I said the same about Ganguly's captaincy abilities when I replied to Badri's post!
If Ganguly and Mandangi help each of us to remember one another, why crib?? Isn't it a good thing to remember yr friends often? 
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scorpio wrote: |
Shekhar wrote: | I will give you another short joke.
Once Scorpio was thinking... |
another Ganguly fan  |
No another Scorpio Fan

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scorpio wrote: |
Roshan,
If Ganguly and Mandangi help each of us to remember one another, why crib?? Isn't it a good thing to remember yr friends often?
|
Yeah you are correct friend
Anyways .. I had to mention Ragul boy because I was reminded of the 'Hutch' ad, you 'gleefully' mentioned a couple of weeks ago 
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Scorpio,
I apologise for the joke I posted on you, which didn't go well with you. It was joke on Sardarjis which just twisted. It was intended as a joke and nothing more.
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An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooohed and aaahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"
-
The famous question... "Why did the chicken cross the road ?" when put before a few Indians .......... this is what they had to say.....
"Why did the chicken cross the road ?"
Azhar:-
"I am totally innocent, you know, I am unnecessarily being dragged into this, you know..... I neither know the chicken nor the road, you know...."
Devegowda:-
"zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....mmmm...mm... chicken ??? Thanks, I'll have it later !!.........mm.........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
Laloo:-
"The fact, that the chicken crossed the road, means that, there is one chicken missing from my poultry !!!"
George Fernandes:-
"I am deeply hurt that this question is being asked after my 40 clean years of public life. I don't own a house, or a car leave alone a chicken !!!"
Mulayam:-
"I demand a 50% reservation of the road for the chicken class, ! so that they can cross the road freely without their motives being questioned"
Congress:-
"That the chicken crossed the road clearly demonstrates the fact that the people and chicken have lost confidence in the Government. The Government should own moral responsibility and resign !!!"
BJP:-
"We are very sure of the fact that the chicken DID NOT cross the road. Its a conspiracy by the congress to bring the Government down. The poor chicken has been made a scapegoat in this whole issue"
Mamta:-
"Am I the chicken's Sister ??? #**@! You better go and ask the chicken itself !!"
Jyoti Basu:-
"Chicken ??!! Don't you dare call me a chicken ??? I just resigned because of health reasons..."
Harkishen Singh Surjeet:-
"We are adopting a wait and watch policy. We have convened a meeting of the third front today. We will decide the future course of action after the chicken comes back.."
Menaka Gandhi:-
"Chicken crossed the road alone...!! If a vehicle had passed over it, we would have lost one of our dearest creature.Ban all vehicles from using that road. Protect our chickens..."
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- Best Seller by Ganguly: Back to the Pavilion in 2 minutes
- Shoaib Akhtar admits Ganguly is faster and quicker than him. "I haven't seen any one get out so fast. Man, I envy his speed. I am quick but he is quickest.", he says. "I think I should now cut my run up short when I bowl to him. Or else, he might be gone when I am half way thru my run up."
- Narain Karthikeyan to get some tips on Speed from Ganguly. His sponsors have asked him to talk to the Prince of Kolkata. They are also planning to endorse Ganguly.
- Dinesh Karthick confesses that his skills in getting ready and padded have improved a lot. As soon as Ganguly goes to bat, I know there is very little time in getting ready. "I must have broken world records a few times in this series" , says the Indian dimunitive wicketkeeper.
- Q: Any Guesses which is Ganguly's favorite movie?
A:Gone in 60 seconds.
- Railways keen on Ganguly: Atleast we'll be having someone who comes (back) before time. This will help them improve the image with the Indian public.
- Q: Which was the hottest place in B'lore Chinnaswami Stadium for the past few days?
A: The seat Ganguly was sitting in while in the Pavilion.
- Ganguly to donate all his bats to charity. "I don't require a bat nowadays", said the Indian southpaw.
-
News Update of the Hour
======================
* No bombings in Kashmir today
* India wins Cricket match; 120 people die of shock
* Bihar sold to Pakistan; Resulted In an unrelated incident
* Literacy soars up to 86% in India
* Self-immolation best bet to reduce population: Dept. of Family Planning.
* Population Statistics: 42% - Literate, 58% - Politicians
* MF Hussian paints Mulayam Singh Yadav nude
* Flood in Bihar; 2 die of thirst
* India wins Gold in India versus Rest Of India Games
* Poverty to be eradicated in India using Virtual Reality Software
* Laloo to be made National Animal
* Freedom Fighters to be lathi-charged to commomerate 50 years of Independence.
* Ramar Pillai produces Pottasium Permanganate from Rice, Water, a stick and some Pottasium Permanganate
* Suit filed holding Rao responsible for Battle of Panipat, 1526
* Ray of hope for India as Ravi Shastri retires
* Doctorate conferred on Jayalalitha for completing 2 months in Jail
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5 secrets to romantic happiness :
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have *** with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet.
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Bill Gates picks his own punishment:
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
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Better English...Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double leters whish have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop them and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
I know this doesn't belong here. Don't you guys agree that some words have unnecessary alphabets and dumb spellings? Like why shouldn't it be Skool instead of School? Or Inglish instead
of English? 
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I don't know if these have been posted before but I think dear friend jai will find this useful¬ just funny.
Subject: Something About Wives & Girl Friends
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, |
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"There was |
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water in the carburetor." |
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| I asked her , "Where's the car?" |
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| She replied,"In the lake." |
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| -Henny Youngman |
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| -------------------------------------------------------------- |
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| The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. |
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| -Henny Youngman |
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| ----------------------------------------------------------------- |
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| After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You |
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| know, I |
| |
| |
| was a fool when I married you." |
| |
| |
| The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and |
| |
| |
| didn't notice." |
| |
| |
|------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
| |
| |
| When a man steals your wife, there is no better |
| |
| |
| revenge than |
| |
| |
| to let him keep her. |
| |
| |
| --------------------------------------------------------------- |
| |
| |
| I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't |
| |
| |
| like to |
| |
| |
| interrupt her. |
| |
| |
| ---------------------------------------------------------- |
| |
| |
| My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. |
| |
| |
| So I |
| |
| |
| got myself two girlfriends. |
| |
| |
| --------------------------------------------------------- |
| |
| |
| A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided |
| |
| |
| not to |
| |
| |
| report it since the thief was spending much less than |
| |
| |
| his wife did. |
| |
| |
| 
-
Didn't know where to post it..so here goes..fun to read/ sing but it's true..!! Perhaps Mdm Pava would care to read this......
Please sing along to the tune of My Favourite Things as you read it. You will enjoy it better that way.
To celebrate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie
Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the
entertainment of her "blue hair" audience.
Here are the lyrics she recited:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes, with repeated encores

-
Good one!! I actually tried singing it to the tune..fits so perfectly, but of course!!
Quote: |
Perhaps Mdm Pava would care to read this...... |
NM, why this special note to Mdm Pava? 
-
sbadri99 wrote: |
NM, why this special note to Mdm Pava?  |
Yep..thambi..I did sing along too and it fit perfectly well....(but of course!!!)
Special note?? cause Mdm Pava is our "pavalam" of the hub....and I admire her ...great knowledge and stamina and thought of dedicating this to our dear madam......!!

-
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you're from Birmingham, don't bother.
-
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas..
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position.
The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.
Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.
Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.
The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.
This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?
The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
-
British doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That`s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys
are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work, and the other half preparing for war."
-
sanjay,
The findings of Anderson Consulting for chicken crossing the road was too well written. Guess I can use those catchy phrases while writing proposals. 
-
Excerpts from HER & HIS diaries
HER DIARY
He was unsually quiet today. So I asked him what was wrong - he said,
"Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He
said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him, but he
simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he
didn't say, "I love you too."
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant
and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes
later he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I
decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I
started crying and cried until I fell asleep.
I do not know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today India lost the cricket match again. DAMM IT
-
scorpio wrote: |
sanjay,
The findings of Anderson Consulting for chicken crossing the road was too well written. Guess I can use those catchy phrases while writing proposals.  |
What, you too???? I was thinking of saving that little bit and use it for proposals too!! 
-
Thank you very much, NM, for dedicating that wonderful song, one of my evergreen favourites! Julie deserves fully the ovation she received! How apt! I shall remember the new version too, I will need it soon!
The admiration you friends have for me tempts me to disclose many personal pages of my past history. When "The sound of music" was released I was doing my UG. We went crazy over it. In our college we have a choir of which I was a member. The sister( we had foreign nuns as staff) who conducted the classes made us rehearse all the songs of that film. On our College Day we sang "Edelweiss" with tremendous emotion. I get goose pimples even to think of it after so many decades. For English literature branch I got the first prize for general proficiency- the prize was 1. A complete work of Shakespeare, 2.The Trapp Family Singers! I treasure them to this day- some of my favourite things!
And how apt comes NM's dedication of Maria's song to me!
Once again thanx, friends!
-
To be absolutely honest, this was not a thread I had expected to see a post of Mrs PP! For a second, I was shocked...was Mrs PP posting a joke!
Then, after reading through, I was justified in my suspicions! She was merely recounting a well-spent youth, and giving an "acceptance speech" of the dedication!
Jus' playing the naughty boy, Mrs PP!!! Don't take it amiss.
-
Poor Obelix! Men never know what women are capable of! The surprises we can spring is the essence of a spicy life!

-
sanjay wrote: |
News Update of the Hour
* India wins Gold in India versus Rest Of India Games
|
Better....
* India wins Bronze in India versus Rest Of India Games ! ! !
-
A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The mother replies, "I don't like her."
-
a.r,

-
pavalamani pragasam wrote: |
Thank you very much, NM, for dedicating that wonderful song, one of my evergreen favourites!
For English literature branch I got the first prize for general proficiency- the prize was 1. A complete work of Shakespeare, 2.The Trapp Family Singers! I treasure them to this day- some of my favourite things! And how apt comes NM's dedication of Maria's song to me! Once again thanx, friends! |
You're most welcome, Ma'am..
Glad to have a scholar..ooops...professor (as badri would put it) among us!! 
-
Don't know if someone has already posted this....but it's a good read..!!
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air,it was blown away. Then...
I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart Attack.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
why doesn't it rain on you?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Roses are red, Violets are blue
monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
not in cage but laughing at you.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When ur life is in darkness pray to God ask him to
free u from darkness and if after you pray and you're
still in darkness, please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
-
A big boss took his HR manager and secretary out for lunch.
In an Arabian-style restaurant, waiting for foods ordered…
The HR manager rubbed the jar on lunch table killing the time.
Suddenly, a lot of smoke coming out with a Jinni giant, said ..
"I will give you 3 wishes, but as there are 3 of you, I will give one to each of you."
The fatigue HR Manager raised his hand and asked..
"Me first, me first. Let me have a peace time at Bali Island for 2 weeks."
Suddenly, he disappeared.
The secretary quickly asked next…
"I want to be a jet-set and the richest lady in the world."
Then, she disappeared from the boss's sight.
The workaholic boss thought a bit , and asked..
" Now it's my turn… I wish those two guys back to work at 1 pm. sharp !!"
The learning from this tale … "Better let your boss say first."
-
Hilarious!!!
Programmers! Please do not come after me for the following!
How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
================================================
The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
===========================================
If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL.
If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT.
If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL.
If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.
============================================
Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
Because it is below C level.
It's
I know.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."
The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."
The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."
-
cinefan,
unga His and her diary joke-a ippothaan padichen
ThankGod, my better half follows Badri's principle with regard to Cricket.
-
Enna eppadiyaavathu izhukkaama, Akkaku thookam varaathey!!!
Tr: Without somehow involving me, Sister Scorpio won't get sleep!
-
Punjab Airways
Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your Captain 'James' Santa Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. We apologize
for the two-day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some
overtime I had put in at the highway dhaba.
This is flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana.Landing in Ludhiana is not guaranteed, but with luck we may even be landing
directly on your village.
Punjab Airways has a unique record for safety. In fact our safety
standards are so well known that even fully trained terrorists and
hijackers are afraid to fly with us.
It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 90% of our
passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that don't
quite make it, Punjab Airways staff has all the requisiteexperience for
consoling the next-of-kin.
Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court
settlement policies. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger
request, we can turn them off for your convenience. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and
biscuits.
For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help
you quickly find out whether God really exists. ( What a relief for Rohit and Pradheep
)
We regret to inform you that today's in-flight movie will not be shown
as we forgot to record it from the television. But we will be flying
right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from the right
side cabin windows. These windows have been removed for your
viewing convenience. For passengers with sight problems, we have also
put a pair of binoculars under your seat.
As per the rules, smoking is not allowed on all Punjab Airways flights
over Punjab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down. Life jackets are placed under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available
for the aunties and swimming trunks for the uncles, for emergency water landings on any of our 5 rivers.
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off
and fasten your belts. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly
fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who
can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with Bubbly Kaur for
your arrangement to sit on the bathroom seat. If you do sit there,
please do not flush frequently because it may result in shortage of water we require for your tea.
I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend to my
nephew's wedding. But co-pilot Kaptan Singh will have wireless access
to me in case he needs flying instructions from time to time.
For an extra 500 rupees or two tandoori chickens, our attendant Bubbly Kaur will allow you to come forward and occupy the captain's seat in the cockpit for 5 minutes each, for an extraordinary view.
Thank you once again for choosing to fly with Punjab Airways.
-
scorpio....

-
Ben and Jill had been happily married for 50 years, their secret to a happy marriage was a drawer where whatever they kept in the drawer was not ever seen by the other....well on their 51st anniversary...Ben thought heck it's been so many years it's now or never to see what's in that drawer of hers...so while his wife was out shopping he peeked in the drawer. What he saw was a single egg and $5000.
He thought to himself oh what have i done, i should be ashamed of myself...i will tell her what i did when she comes back.
Later in the day, Ben finally worked up the courage to tell his wife what he did.
-Jill im so sorry but i looked in your secret drawer, can you ever forgive me?
-Ben what you did was wrong but it's ok.
-Well then Jill can you tell me why you keep an egg in your drawer
-Well Ben i promised myself when we got married that if I ever cheated on you i would place an egg in the drawer, to remind me always of my infidelity.
-So in all the years we've been married you have only cheated on me once! Oh i am so lucky to have such a wife as dedicated as you!
-that is so very good of you Ben
-hey just wondering how long did it take you to save up $5000?
-Well Ben that's from all the eggs I sold....
-
Things We Learned From Indian Movies
*A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
*Cars that crash will invariably burst into flames.
*Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
*If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
*A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
*All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
*When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
*When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
*One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
*Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of an invading alien civilization.
*All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
*Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
*When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
*If you are a hero, you never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by your actions.
*Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
*Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before retirement.
*The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
-
My dear FAIR and LOVELY (chand ka tukda),
You are my TVS SCOOTY (First love) and my AIWA (pure passion). I always BPL (believe in the best) and you are SANSUI (better than the best). You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (delivering a million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (seriously fresh) feeling for me. I want you to be my life partner, but i think you are worried about your father who is a KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER ( the unshakable) and my fahter who is a CEAT (born tough), but don't worry, as i am also a FORD IKON (the josh machine) and rest of our family members are pretty KELVINATORS (the coolest ones). If our fathers say no, we will run away and marry, and PHILIPS (lets make things better). They will feel MIRINDA (zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) and i believe COCA-COLA (jo chahe ho jaye). Trust in God who's always NOKIA (connecting people) who love each other, and do not forget that we are WILLS (made for each other). Now that HYUNDAI (we are listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (real taste of life), SATYAM ONLINE (fun fast easy) and PARX (always comfortable). Expecting your reply.
I could write only a little today, but actually PEPSI (yeh dil mange more!).
LG (digitally yours),
XYZ.
-
The story goes that when Bill Gates was in India, he saw the common people facing problems related to Windows terminology. He announced that Microsoft had plans to release a Windows 2005 version in Hindi.
Here are some Windows related terms that will be used in the Hindi version of Khirkiyan 2005.
Phaail - File
Bachao - Save
Aise bachao - Save as
Subko bachao - Save All
Mujhe bachao - Help
Chuno - Select
Sab chuno - Select All
Dhoondo - Find
Hilao - Move
Dakiya - Mailer
Paas se dhekho - Zoom
Door se dhekho - Zoom Out
Kholo - Open
Band karo - Close
Naya - New
Badli karo - Replace
Bhaago - Run
Chaapo - Print
Dekh ke chaapo - Print Preview
Kaapi - Copy
Kaato - Cut
Chipkao - Paste
Ispesal chipkao - Paste Special
Goli maaro - Delete
Nazaara - View
Auzaar - Tools
Auzaar ka dabba - Toolbar
Khuli chaadar - Spreadsheet
Iska bhi naam nahin aata - Database
Ghusao - Insert
Ped - Tree
Thooso - Compress
Chooha - Mouse
Tik-tik karo - Click
Idhar-se-udhar, udhar-se-idhar - Scrollbar
Chal phoot - Exit.
-
Bushism: You have two cows. You invade Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran for more cows.
Blairism: You have no cows but support America in the war. You clean up the mess and cow dung but the Americans get all the cows.
Congressism: You have totally 220 white cows. Some minority red cows from other farms give you milk and dictate terms as to who you sell all your milk to.
Lalooism: You have a few cows. You buy them fodder on government money and the scam trial runs for ever. The cows are armed and dangerous. You enjoy their milk.
Jayaism: You have some cows. They prostrate before you every day (they can do this as none have a backbone). You milk the people and give it to your cows to drink.
BJPism: You had some cows. You either burnt them or "demolished" them and they are gone now. You keep saying that you still have them but no one believes in you.
-
sanjay wrote: |
Things We Learned From Indian Movies |
Sanjay..........very true....

-
sanjay wrote: |
Things We Learned From Indian Movies
*The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love. |
Err, this happens in real life too! 
-
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
Sanjay,
You are lucky that the hub has far too few Vijaykanth fans!
a.r.
anubhavam pesugiratha?? 
-
Ah!!! Does experience speak, AR???
How about:
a) If you want to become invincible in a fight, wait till the opponent draws first blood. Then, wipe the blood with your hand, stare at your blood stained hand for a second, and direct your vision towards the opponent. You are now guaranteed to win.
b) To make the girl you love fall in love with you, (depsite the fact that she hates you and everything you stand for) sing a song while following her about. If possible, try to dance on top of a car. You can even tease her with your song. No, she is not likely to hate you for that. She'll fall madly in love with you for insulting her in front of everyone.
c) If you are looking for the baddies, you have to walk through a synthetic tunnel with flashy lights. It always opens up into a room where a few baddies are playing cards, with the boss sitting at a table again with flashing lights, and an anorexic female in a skimpy red skirt.
-

-
badri,
ivvlothana, illai innum irukka??
-
a.r,
intha punnagai enna vilai
un idhayam sollum vilai - nnu yarachum paaditangala??
-
ippothaikku avvalavuthaan...inime thonichina, post panren!

-
Pongge scorpio, velai parpatherke time pathillai!!
Ithulai idayathekku vilai pesanumma?

-
AR in sirippal pala pala arthangal...athil onRu mattum clear...
"Yes, Experience Speaks!" enbathe athu!
Illaya, AR? 
-
Badri!Badri!
Friday athumma ippadi corner panrigelle!
-
AR paavam...namakkellam ithukkum mela hints kudakka mudiyathungara alavukku kuduthutaanga...
AR, enjoy your weekend pa!
-
enna panrathu a.r, DS tata sollitaanga, inime kaala vara vera aal ilainnu ungala konjam otitom, mannichukonga!

-
a.Ratchasi!
who is the ratchasan?
NM kitte kaettu blonkomania package 2005 - software vaangikkanga.
(eng: translation: buy "Blonkomania-2005" software from NM akka)
you will need it more now...
and experience speaks 
-
jaiganes wrote: |
a.Ratchasi!
who is the ratchasan?
 |
JG,
I'm sure, a.r -oda first blonk unakkuthan!
-
Thambi ganeshu...enna-pa.....rombe tulli tulli vileiyaadurinnge??
Naan rombe "quiet-ta" irrukkenaa??
AR...yen AR neengge anthe oru variyei sonneengge??
Thambingge ellam kilembittaangge.....
-
NM, AR a onnum sollaatheenga...
Friday maalai pozhuthu...paavam oru emotionla, namma Hub thaane, namma Hubbers thaane nnu sollitaanga!
Neenga kavalai padaatheenga AR! Intha chinna pasanga sollrathellam kekkatheenga! 
-
Aama, Badri & NM, konjum unarchi vasepatthu solliten!
I guess there is no return now!
Scorpio, namakulle etharke sorry. Illam oru fun ke taane!
DS or JG, namma otrathu otrathutan!
Naan blonkmania vaangerathu irukattum, ungal azhagiye she prarie ke naan atheitaan kalyaane parisage kudeke pogiren!
Avange than usageje maximise panuvanngene thonathu!
How is it, scorpio & NM?
-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
Naan blonkmania vaangerathu irukattum, ungal azhagiye she prarie ke naan atheitaan kalyaane parisage kudeke pogiren!
Avange than usageje maximise panuvanngene thonathu!
How is it, scorpio & NM? |
Aha...aha......enna iniye vaartheigel, AR....! Athe muthal seiyunnge!! Ennudiye 100% support irrukku...! Aanal...ithu oru "wedding- present" thaane?? Athukku, naan pattheridem 916 thanggethil seiye solren...eppedi, OK-va ??
-
a.r,
unga blonkomania present-aa enakku courier pannidunga. Naan Chennai-la thaane irukken, unga saarba marakkama Jun 17 th anikku Mrs.JG kitta special-a koduthudaren! 
-
ok, set!
Ithu ungalakku thevaiya, JG?

-
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant' she is furious. Here she's about to run for senator of New York and this has happened to her.
She calls the white house, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.
In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
-
INTERESTING PHONE CONVERSATION
K-"Who's calling?"
W-"Watt."
K-"What is your name, please?"
W-"Watt's my name."
K-"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
W-"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt,
W-"Is this James Brown?"
K-"No, this is Knott."
W-"Please tell me your name."
K-"Will Knott."
W-Why not?
K-Huh? What do you mean why not?
W-Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
K-But I told you my name!
W-Didn't you say you will not?
K-Not not, knott, Will Knott!
W-That's what I mean.
K-So you know my name.
W-Of course not!
K-Good. So now, what is yours?
W-Watt. Yours?
K-Your name!
W-Watt's my name.
K-How the hell do I know? I am asking you!
W-Look I have been very patient and I have told you my
name and you have not even told me yours yet.
K-You have been patient, what about me? I have told
you my name so many times and it is you who have not
told me yours yet.
W-Of course not!
K-See, you even know my name!
W-Of course not!
K-Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?
W-Because I don't.
[Pause]
K-What is your name?
W-See, you know my name!
K-Of course not!
W-Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
K-To find out your name!
W-But you already know it!
K-What?
W-See, and you know mine!
K-Of course not!
W-Exactly!
K-Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name
is, what will be your answer?
W-Watt's my name.
K-No, no, give me only one word.
W-Watt
K-Your name!
W-Right!
[pause before it hits him]
K-Oh, Wright!
W-Yeah!
K-So why didn't you say it before?
W-I told you so many times!
K-You never said Wright before
W-Of course I did.
K-Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?
W-I do not.
K-Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.
W-I do not!
K-Good!
[pause before it hits him]
W-Oh, Guud!
K-Good.
W-No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
K-No, it's Knott!
W-Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud.
K-Yes Wright.
-
Upcoming IT Movies in Tamil Industry:
Chinna Mouse Periya Mouse
Aathaa Naan Java Certificate Vaangitten
En System En Folder
Engalukkum Offer Varum
Aval oru Programmer
Mouse Magesan
Login Aagaamal Ulle Vaa
Mail Anuppa Neramillai
Paar Monitor-ai Paar
(Java) Padithaal Mattum Podhuma
(EJB) Padithu Vaazha Vendum
Dbase-ilirundu Oracle Varai
Thudikkum (Mouse) Pointer
Saranam Internet (Bakthi padam)
Mouse Koduppaal GUIaambaal (Meena/KR Vijaya as GUIaambaal)
Ithuthaandaa Program (Telugu Dubbing)
PM-a Irundaa Enakkenna (Telugu Dubbing)
Vaishnavi MCA (Vijayashanti)
1000 Dollar Vaangiya Aboorva Bench Period
Link-aagatha Code-um Linkaagum
10-m 10-m 100 (Binary)
Manathil Logic Vendum
Code-kkul Bug
Ulagam Suttrum Analyst
Thedi Vanda Consultant
Thottathellaam Dollar-aagum
-
Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favourite drama serials
Amitabh Bachchan - Mrityudaata + Kaun Banega crorepati = A SUPERSTAR
Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan = Abhishek Bachchan -Talent
Any actor + Any actress + many movies (http://search.targetwords.com/u.search?x=5977|1||||movies|AA1VDw) = David Dhawan
One smile + 32 teeth = Govinda
One person - shirt = Salman Khan
Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan
8 Actors + 8 Actresses + 14 songs + lots of rona dhona + 4 hrs long movie = Suraj Barjatya
-
Heard about India's own computer virus? It is called the Sardar Virus, for some inexplicable reason! The infected computer pops up the following message:
Dear User, I am the new Sardar Virus. I am not technically very advanced, so could you please delete all important files from your hard disk and send this virus to as many people as possible, to enable faster spread? Thank you, Yours truly, Sardar Virus

-
Badri...
Farmer and his mule...
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year".... 
-
http://www.thinnai.com/pl0115045.html
Please read the last paragraph in this page:-) With Adhikesavan occupying the front pages of TN newspapers, this numerology joke should cause you to giggle....
-
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and
deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cab drivers met.
"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red
and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see
how all the witnesses contradict each other."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some
men should be happier than others.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
-
Build Me a Bridge
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
-
deleted
-
Here a cruel one:
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
-
Surya wrote: |
Here a cruel one:
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!" |
deleted-
-
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"
The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."
Moral:
The reply you get depends on the question you ask.
For example, if you want a vacation when still working on a project,
don't ask for the holiday; instead ask: "Can I keep working on this project while I'm on vacation?"
Boss sure will approve your leave on the spot!!
-
Surya wrote: |
Here a cruel one:
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!" |
Here's one more of the same genre:
A hospital in rural land-mine ridden Cambodia. A little girl wakes up from her anaesthetic stupor and asks the Doctor: "Doctor,doctor I am not able feel my legs".
"Sorry dear, we had to amputate your arms"
-
Why did the Lion lose at Poker?
Because he was playing with a Cheetah.
A rabbit hops into a butchers' shop and says "have you got any cabbages?". The butcher says that he doesn't sell cabbages and the rabbit hops off. The next day the same rabbit hops into the same butchers and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, slightly peeved, says "look I told you yesterday - I'm a butcher, I don't sell cabbages, now go away!" The rabbit hops off. The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers again and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, really annoyed now, snaps "No I haven't got any chuffin cabbages! If you come in here again asking for some cabbages I'm gonna nail your ears to the floor!" The rabbit is scared by this and quickly hops out the door. The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers and asks "have you got any nails?" The butcher replys "no". The rabbit says "have you got any cabbages?"
-
The Above rabbit sounds just like Deeps to me.

-
Prabhu Ram wrote: |
Surya wrote: |
Here a cruel one:
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!" |
Here's one more of the same genre:
A hospital in rural land-mine ridden Cambodia. A little girl wakes up from her anaesthetic stupor and asks the Doctor: "Doctor,doctor I am not able feel my legs".
"Sorry dear, we had to amputate your arms" |
]
my brain groans even as my lips smile!
Here's one of that nature:
Q: Why doesn't Superman change in phone booths anymore?
A: The wheelchair doesn't fit. (Because the actor who acted in that movie is not quadrapalygic, he spends his life in a wheelchair.)
Now here is one from a different genre.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town called Weipa. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this,mister! I'm talking to that little prick on your knee."
-
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for theway
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computerexpo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industrywith the
auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technologylike the
computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 carsthat got
1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments,General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developedtechnology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with thefollowing characteristics (and I just love this
part):
1. For noreason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every timethey repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a newcar.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of thewindows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows beforeyou could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4.Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
yourcar to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have toreinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was poweredby the sun, was
reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy todrive - but would run on only
five percent of the roads.
6. The oil,water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replacedby a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation"
warninglight.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" beforedeploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car wouldlock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously liftedthe door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radioantenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would haveto learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls wouldoperate
in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to pressthe "Start" button to turn the engine off.
-
Hi,
I got the following as email attachment. People who can take it sportively, go ahead and read it. If you are a very sensitive type of person, you can stop here. Please don't blame me, I didn't write it up. This is a conversation between two software engineers about Aryans and Dravidians.
Conversation:
Who or what is Maithili, in context of Indian literature?
Mr.x: Maithili is a language spoken in central bihar. It has its own
literature.It has its root in the old kingdom of that area.It is similar
to Hindi.
Mr. y: Maithili brahmins are known for their gastronome qualities !!!
Mr.x: Maithili is a language which derives it's name from the region in Bihar where it is spoken, the old kingdom of Mithla. There is a reference to the area even in Ramayana- Janak( Father of Sita) was king of Mithla and has been referred to as MithlaNaresh at many places in RamCharitraManas- therefore Sita was also called Maithili.
Mr.y: Recently one Congress leader, in defense of Sonia, quoted that Sita was also a foreigner because Janakpuri is in Nepal.
Mr. x: God Shiva is also a foreigner because Mt.Kailash is in China. Buddha was also a foreigner because Lumbini(?) is in Nepal. So was Guru Nanak, because Talwandi is in Pakistan. So was Porus. So was Gandhari.....
Mr.y: Rama was an aryan ; Germans claim to be aryans so Rama was a German &nbs nbsp; Hail Rama....
Mr.x: After defeating ravana .... Sri Rama flew back in Ravana's pushpak vimana & This is what the Mordern Lufthansa is . It is the modernversion of the older pushpaka vimana. The pushpak vimana was "driven" by hansa or swans....The insignia of Lufthansa is also a swan...This further proves Sri Rama was a German Hail Rama ....
Mr.y: No, on the contrary it proves that Ravan was a German since it was he who owned the Pushpak Viman. The passengers could belong to any country.
Mr.x: Say this to the DMK and they're gonna kick u!! according to them ravan was a dravidian and was attacked by ram as ram was an aryan. So if ram was a german, and assuming he was a 'hitlerite 'aryan, then, ravan must have been a jew!!!
Mr.y:Might be Russians too.. that explains why MK's son is called STALIN. So, at present we are at a point where MK's son is a Russian, implying MK is a Russian. MK is a ardent follower of Ravan who is a German Jew.
Mr.x: Looks like the german govt running Karnataka is conniving with the Russian govt at Tamilnadu (who support German) to fight the Italian Govts reps at 10 Janpath road. Some heavy international politics we have going on here.
Mr.y: According to maxmuller, Aryans came from Middle East. According to Bal Gangadhar Tilak, Antarctica was the home place of
Aryans. And Swami Dayanand Saraswati says Aryans were originally from India b'coz the place "saptsandhav" that is described many times in their book is nothing but Doab region between Ganga & Jamuna. And One theory according Bhagwandas is that Aryans were originally from India then they went to middle east and after some time they returned back to India.So there are different theories about the origin of Aryans
Mr.x: OH BOY!! WHO ARE WE?
Mr.y: It just occured that a better subject would have been "CRICKET"...."Are our cricketers Aryans/Germans ?" So we got to solve this one !
Mr.x: Germans don't play cricket. So cricketers can't be germans
Mr.y: Indians invented the decimal system. Ravan(Jew) had ten heads, Ram's father(aryan + German)had ten chariots (Dash-rath) etc.Thus , the base is 10. There fore they are all Indians
Mr.x: How logical!! Now I could easily prove that even Africans are Aryans. They have 10 fingers- so they are aryans. They have 10 toes on their feet - so they are aryans. Thanks for proving that all are aryans.
Mr.y: Then even monkeys are aryans!!!!!!(I think they too have 10 fingers). That's what ramayan says. So all vanars were also aryans!!!
Mr.x: No, Only the native of Haryana are are aryans b'coz U just remove the 'H' in Haryana so it becomes aryana.Agreed or not????
Mr.y: Let me get it clear.Are u suggesting that all people in haryana are monkeys?????
Mr.x: B'cas only teachers (arya's) are aryans. So all software engr's are dravidians.
Mr.y: Your theory only proves that Software engineers are not aryans.Therefore they can be any thing other than aryans and not only dravidians.
Mr.x: My theory is first step to identify software engrs.I'm more interested in showing that software engrs are not monkeys (bcas they are not aryans) which my house owner believes!!!
Mr.y: We sit before the monitor staring into the pixels, making faces the whole day like monkeys. And you claim that you are not in this monkey business? Beats me!!
-
As the storm raged, the captain realised his ship was sinking fast.
He called out, "Anyone here knows how to pray?"
One man stepped forward, "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray, while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
-
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If God was sitting here, He would say, Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be God."
-
A lady invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the lady answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
-
A man and his daughter were driving through a desert area when they were held up by bandits. The quick-witted daughter stuffed all the valuables into her mouth. The bandits, finding nothing else worthwhile, took the car away.
The father muttered, "I wish we had brought your mother along. We would have saved the car too."
-
Sekhar and Azhagana Ratchasi are talking...
Azhagana Ratchasi: I'll find out just how much you know about a boat.
What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?
Sekhar: Throw out an anchor.
Azhagana Ratchasi:What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?
Sekhar: Throw out another anchor.
Azhagana Ratchasi:And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?
Sekhar: Throw out another anchor.
Azhagana Ratchasi:Hold on. Where are you getting all your anchors from?
Sekhar: From the same place you're getting your storms.
-
NOV,

-
NOV, you are asking for it!

-
NOV wrote: |
Sekhar and Azhagana Ratchasi are talking...
. |
Nov.....you ARE BACK IN ACTION, aren't you??
AR will definately be back to ........shoot you

-
hehehehehehehe!
-
I see AR has already done it!!

-
NOV, I got to admit that you HAVE improved!
The recent time off has helped, I am sure!
NM, actually, I am thinking of using the anchors (courtesy of 'Shekar') you see, I am all against gun rights. 
-
AR...go ahead ....he needs it....BADLY!!

-
Welcome back, NOV!
mmm..looks like the vacation has increased your cholesterol levels.. 
-
Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
By Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
Love isn't love Until you give it away.
By Someone unknown
Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, But somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart
By Kay Knudsen
Life is a journey, and love is what makes that journey worthwhile
By Someone unknown
Love is the beauty of the soul.
By St. Augustine
In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes.
By Elizabeth Ashley, American film actor
====================================
Mortgage refinance after bankruptcy
-
Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation - like the welcome to NOV's .
.
Love isn't love Until you give it away - like NOV giving AR away to the likes of Shekhar
Life is a journey, and love is what makes that journey worthwhile
JG will soon find that out...
Love is the beauty of the soul ....like all the femmes of this hub....
.
In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes ...like NOV does in AR's hub life.... 
-
NM said:
Quote: |
Life is a journey, and love is what makes that journey worthwhile
JG will soon find that out.. |
Why only JG, NM akka?
Not so long ago, someone said love might take them on a journey to different lands, like Down Under for example!!!

-
aahaa, NM inikku 'Form'la irukkanga doi!
-
sbadri99 wrote: |
NM said:
Quote: | Life is a journey, and love is what makes that journey worthwhile
JG will soon find that out.. |
Why only JG, NM akka?
Not so long ago, someone said love might take them on a journey to different lands, like Down Under for example!!!
 |
Shhhhh! thambi....athu oru periya secret.....!
-
Oho! Now you tell me!!!!

-
scorpio wrote: |
aahaa, NM inikku 'Form'la irukkanga doi! |
Aamaam.....scorpio.....naan rombe nalla "mood"le irukkaen.....Nov vanthu vittarule?? Inime namme konjum "sharp"-a taan irukkanum!!

-
sbadri99 wrote: |
Oho! Now you tell me!!!!  |

-
Dad, Rahul and Priya loved watching television. The three of them always fought as to who will watch what. Their mother wouldn't interfere with their fights. Each one would snatch the remote and keep changing channels. Rahul wanted to watch the cricket match, Priya wanted to watch the cookery show and Dad the Political news.
This is what their mother heard one day:
In the parliament today...Nehra bowled his first over...and is washed away in boiling water....The finance minister...went straight into the hands of Tendulkar...and is sliced into pieces.... Mr. SM Krishna visited...Anil Kumble who is now going to...break the egg and...the leader of the opposition party...is hit on the face...which will now turn red in two minutes...during the zero hour...both the umpires...are fried golden brown.
We now end the news bulletin...by calling Dravid...to peel the onion.
-
One Student wrote... to his Friend...
My Dear Friend... I am Quite WELL... I hope you too are in the SAME WELL!!
-
NOV-san back with style is it...
Strange and silly things to do while driving.
Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
Two words: Chicken suit.
Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
Stop at the green lights.
Go at the red ones.
Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
Eat food that requires silverware.
Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
Sing without having the radio on.
Honk frequently without motivation.
Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
Ask people for Grey Poupon.
Let pedestrians know who's boss.
Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
Restart your car at every stop light.
Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
Keep at least five cats in the car.
Cheer for firetrucks and ambulances.
Stop and collect roadkill.
Throw Spam. (mystery meat not computer junkmail
)
Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
-
Q: Just what are you trying to do? Get us to lose our license? Or worse, get landed in the cooler??????
-
well if im not allowed to drive then atleast let me have some fun with the drivers

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Hey Q: Check out Picked from the Papers. There's one news item very closely related to your driving lessons and to Canada!!

-
A patient in Tanjung Rambutan (mental hospital) is singing on his bed.
At first, he sings lying down with his back on the bed......... and
sings and sings and sings ........ then later, he changes his
position with his face down.
The nurse asks him why he turns and sings with his face down.
He says:" Side A finished already, now playing Side B lah"
-
NOV!!!

-
oh sorry!
you would have prefered if I had said a woman hubber instead of mental patient? 
-
Badri, the new manager spends a week at his new office with NOV, the manager he is replacing. On the last day NOV tells Badri, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and Badri feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of NOV and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Badri quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, Badri opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".
-
Good one scorpio !!! You have rightly chosen the names coz that's what happened at the hub too
Scorpio,
Your signature lines are nice !
-
to Roshan!
NOV asked for it!
-
Scorpio....
Very well "written" pa!!
So, it's Badri's & Nov's time, is it? JG & Shekar get a rest??

-
NOV, you dont have to change 'character' to post personal experiences here.

-
a.r,
NM,
Why bother Shekhar and JG when they are so busy fighting between themselves in the 'Current affairs' thread. We can give JG his due when he sheds his poetic veil within exactly 90 days from June 17.

-
Sounds like Nov's getting roasted, ladies!!

-
scorpio wrote: |
We can give JG his due when he sheds his poetic veil within exactly 90 days from June 17.  |
yes yes !! aasai 60 nAL .. mOgam 30 naaL. 60+30=90.
You are right once again scorpio !!
-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
NOV, you dont have to change 'character' to post personal experiences here.  |

-
A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on Independence Day.
Here's his dynamite speech : (If you know Hindi, you will enjoy it better)
Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason. Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leaders linke Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt. You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college.
The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.
I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am finished. Joy Hind!"
-
scorpio wrote: |
to Roshan |
Is this emoticon (
) means "NOT WORTHY" or "noteworthy" or "whatever scorpio means" (I guess c did not mean both) ???
Sorry for the digression. 
-
A.r and Scorpio,
What can I say?...Both of you are RIGHT!!
Stranger,
Even tho' it says Notworthy, we use it to show the worthiness of the post...use it as a "bow".....

-
Some signs seen around England
1) In A health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
2) On a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on door, bell doesn't work.)
3) In a bathroom in a London office: Toilet out of order, please use floor below.
4) In a London department store: Bargain Basement upstairs.
5) Outside a second hand shop: We exchange anything--bicycles, washers, dryers, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
6) On a church door: This is the gate to Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft, please use side entrance.)
7) Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
8) In an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain board.
9) In another office: Would the person who took the stepladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
10) In a laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
11) In a dry cleaning window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
-
What I Learned from the Movies...
OR
And You thought Indian Movies were Bad!
1.) During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
2.) All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
3.) It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
4.) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5.) Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
6.) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
7.) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
8.) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
9.) If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
10.) Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
11.) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
12.) Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.
13.) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
14.) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
15.) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.
16.) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
17.) Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to you, right there and then.
18.) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
19.) Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
20.) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
-
NOV....hilarious!!

-
NM -
Now, for....
Breaking News from England....
Camilla is very pleased with how the wedding went, but has turned down the Queen's offer of a weekend in Paris with a car and a driver.
-
NOV wrote: |
....
Breaking News from England....
Camilla is very pleased with how the wedding went, but has turned down the Queen's offer of a weekend in Paris with a car and a driver. |
Wonder if it involves a ride thru' the tunnel!! 
-
I have a professional woman as my wife; a Chartered Accountant. She uses LIFO method while taking out the refrigerated food.
She thinks I am no good with numbers. Fine with me, for now she handles the budget of the house. Initially she used to send me a bill at the month end, but when I told her that I am not her client but her husband, she asks for the money in advance.
The expenses had been rising steadily over the months, so one day I snooped into the papers maintained in a current file.
No wonder! She was charging mileage and overtime to the house budget.
She is crazy, I tell her but she corrects me. No honey, I am the auditor.
I fail to see the light. Every scrap of the paper in our house is filed. She tells me as per some Ordinance she must keep a copy of every thing for at least ten years before destroying it. I am worried.
The other day we had an hour-long fight. Later, I got to know that she had charged that hour to a client of hers, in the time sheet. My time was put down as unoccupied.
She says that she loves me and I tell her that I love her too. However, she never believes me. She says that there is susceptibility of it being a misstatement. Duh! She wants my representation on this!
Last year our house accounts got a qualified opinion. I had not kept the supporting etc. of my purchases.
Not a long time back my brother's wedding was to be solemnized.
Wedding cards had been sent. After some time I started receiving a steady trickle of letters. I was puzzled until my wife explained that external evidence was more reliable. She had called for confirmations from all those to whom cards were sent.
When she cooks: my wife at times does not go by recipe. Where the recipe says add half-teaspoon vinegar, one tsp black salt or one teacup of water, she ignores them. She says that they are not material when taken in context of whole meal being prepared. She is crazy, I tell you.
Surprisingly everybody calls her an auditor, instead. I checked the dictionary and it did not state that auditor is a synonym for crazy. The dictionary must be outdated.
When we got married, she had given me an Engagement Letter and I had said how cute-how sweet. Now she gives it to me every year saying that her standards state that it must be sent anew if there is any indication that I have misunderstood the objective and scope of engagement. Huh!
Apart from sending me the engagement letter once again she says I can't get rid of her just like that. She says that she has the right of being heard before I appoint some one else. Phew! For a minute, I thought that we had jeopardized our going concern status. Duh! Dare I say so??
I am told by one of my female colleagues who is married to a CA that the scenario is even worse when the guy is a CA. Apparently he capitalised the wedding expenses as preliminary expenses and is writing it off every year.
Also the time he spent dating his wife before marrying her is still under consideration for valuation...valuation of intangible assets.
So guyz please think twice....should u really marry a CA? and yes please discount it by the appropriate rate to arrive at the present value of the risk of doing so !!!!!!!
(An Auditee for life)
-
These are real quotes!!
My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
-- Chic Murray
I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave -- with all five fingers -- for their hospitality.
-- George W. Bush
There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors.
-- Jim Morrison
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
-- Anonymous
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
-- Johnny Carson
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

-
NM, you should tell the last three to Jaiganes.

-
Those were posted specifically for JG, NOV

-
And then after a while, can we bring them back again for someone else, NM? Looks like there are quite a few who might be needing it next.
I am naming no names, but of course the unnamed ones would surely understand that I am refering to them!

-
sbadri99 wrote: |
And then after a while, can we bring them back again for someone else, NM? Looks like there are quite a few who might be needing it next.
I am naming no names, but of course the unnamed ones would surely understand that I am refering to them!
 |
Badri.....
You wait!!

-
A few more for thambi JG...
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henry Youngman
Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.
-- Les Dawson
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
-- Michel de Montaigne
-
NM wrote: |
sbadri99 wrote: | And then after a while, can we bring them back again for someone else, NM? Looks like there are quite a few who might be needing it next.
I am naming no names, but of course the unnamed ones would surely understand that I am refering to them!
 |
Badri..... You wait!!  |
NM, you are not helping your cause by responding like this, did you know that?
I didn't even have to name names, now that you have responded! 
-
Cha! Maattikittaen!!!!
Thambi........ithuthaan sollurathu..."love is Blind-nu"....enna seirom, pesuvom endru theriyaathu......

-
Well, purinja seri!
By the way, I was waiting to see how the other unnamed person would respond! Quite obviously, she may be in love, but certianly not blind!!!

-
cha! too much of chatting, and not enough jokes to go around.....
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
-
A funeral service was held for a woman who had just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket.
They heard a faint moan. They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive!
She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried out: "Watch that wall!"
-
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said "How soon do you need to know?"
-
Ok, ok, Nov thittararu!!! People, let us quit clowning and get serious about joking!!
I will make amends. Here goes the first! Sorry if it is a real KADI
In the mid fifties, there was a quite famous Baron that liked to go on safari. He’d hunted lions, zebra, elephants, you name it. He had quite a reputation for being an expert hunter.
He’d started to get bored with run of the mill game though, so when he heard about a giant gorilla running around the jungle, he decided that was a worthy challenge. The only trouble was, nobody had been able to track it except for the locals. Being too proud to ask for help, he spent a month in the jungle, getting all kinds of nasty rashes as he went about hunting this legendary creature.
Day after day, he got closer and closer, until he finally managed to catch up with it. It was lying unconcious in the middle of a clearing, with a skinny native boy standing on top of it, grinning away.
The Baron says “Bloody hell, I’m the world’s most famous hunter, and I’ve spent weeks tracking that damn thing! How on earth did you knock it out?”
The kid goes “Oh, that was easy, I used my club.”
The Baron goes “Crikey! That must be one big club!”
The kid goes “Oh, it’s huge. There’s four hundred of us.”
-
Ronald Reagan, Michael Gorbatsjov and Margaret Thatcher appear before God.
God to Reagan: “Son, what have you done to deserve a place in Heaven?” Reagan: “I brought the Evil Empire to its knees, freed millions of people from communism and ended the Cold War.” God: “Very good my son, come sit by my right side.” God to Gorbatsjov: “And you son, what have you done to deserve a place in Heaven?” Gorbatsjov: “I introduced perestroijka and glasnost, and guided the Soviet Union away from communism while avoiding armed revolution and bloodshed.” God: “Very good my son, come sit by my left side.”
Next, God turns to Thatcher and says: “And you sister, what have you done?” Thatcher replies (high-pitched voice, English accent): “In the first place, I am not your sister, and in the second, get out of my chair!”
-
A blind man walks into a bar in Germany and tells the barkeeper: "Would you like me to tell you a "Blonde" joke?"
Says the barkeeper: "Consider first: I am blonde; the bouncer is blonde; the man to your left is a blonde wrestler; the man to your right is a blonde weightlifter; and the man over there is a blonde bodybuilder. Do you still want to tell your joke?"
"No", says the blind. "Sure wouldn't want to explain it five times."
-
Another of those Engineer vs Manager jokes, but different!
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
The man below says “you must be in management.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
-
Thambi rOsem vanthurichi pOle irukku!!

-
An accountant, a lawyer, and a physicist are having a beer and talking about how to deal with women.
The accountant says “Have girlfriend. You keep your independence and can spend more time with your friends.”
The lawyer says “Better to have a wife. She can help you advance your career.”
The physicist says “No, no. Best to have a wife and a girlfriend. That way the wife thinks you’re with the girlfriend and the girlfriend thinks you’re with the wife. Meanwhile you can be down at the lab.”
-
Athellam onnum illa, NM Akka...konjam jokes, konjam chat pannalamennu thaan!!! Enna, NOV, ippo seri thaane?
There’s this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad, says “OK, for you” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches.
When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled.
After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “I’m awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astonished. He can’t understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”
-
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
Phew, that should it do for today!!!!
-
GREAT QUOTES BY GREAT LADIES
Inside every older lady is a younger lady - wondering what the hell happened.
Cora Harvey Armstrong-
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
Bette Davis-
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
Rhonda Hansome-
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country..
-Elayne Boosler-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
-
WOW that was good one NM...... heres my part!!
Things Mother Taught Me
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"
4 My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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Akash wrote: |
And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" |
.......

-
NM wrote-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
NM, I give below a slightly modified version of the above quote-
Behind every successful man, there is a woman and behind her, his wife.
Now, the catch for the hubbers is to find the name of the hubber who said this quote in the old hub

-
sbadri99 wrote: |
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
Phew, that should it do for today!!!! |
This is an old one:
A guy walks into a bar at the top floor of large skyscraper and asks for a strong one. He drinks up and asks for another one. After quite a lot of drinks he walks over to a table where there are two men sitting, talking and drinking. "I'll bet you guys 5000 bucks I can jump out that window and land safely on street below!"
The two men look at each other then agree to accept the bet. So the drunk walks to the window and jumps out. The two men can hardly believe their own eyes when they see him land safely on the street and again enter the building. "How'd you do it?!" they ask in amazement when he enters the bar again.
"Well, you see." the drunk replies. "There is this ventilation shaft straight below this window, and the stream of air is so strong, it slows you down enough to land safely on the grid. Why don't you try it yourselves?"
So, both the men hurry to the window and jump out, facing certain death as they hit the street at high speed.
At this point, the bartender walks up to the drunk and says: "You know what, Superman? You can be a real ******* when you're drunk!"
-
NM wrote: |
Stranger,
Even tho' it says Notworthy, we use it to show the worthiness of the post...use it as a "bow".....  |
That is a new lesson!
Bow (
) to that, "eNNam"!
I believe, "Don't guess, ask" is always a wise policy!
-
geez are we on a cruel joke streak? Frankly don't stop i'm still laughing
Laws of Household Physics
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:
1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.
11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.
-
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Man: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
Lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
Man: It made of concrete.
Lawyer: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
Man: No, we have bullcart, and not need one.
Lawyer: I mean, what are your relations like?
Man: All my relations still in Poland.
Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Man: We have hi-fidelity stereo and DVD player.
Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?
Man: No, I always up before her.
Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?
Man: No, she white.
Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?
Man: She going to kill me.
Lawyer: What makes you think that?
Man: I got proof.
Lawyer: What kind of proof?
Man: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say "Polish Remover".
-
The Bunny RULES:
1. The bunny is not allowed in the house.
2. OK, the bunny is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The bunny is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The bunny can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the bunny is allowed on all the furniture, but it is not allowed to sleep with humans, on the bed.
6. OK, the bunny is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The bunny can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The bunny can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The bunny can sleep under the covers whenever he wants.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the bunny.
Now Taomtoe, tahts me!
-
Deep_Secrets wrote: |
Now Taomtoe, tahts me! |

-
NOV wrote: |
A Polish man... |

-
scorpio wrote: |
NM, I give below a slightly modified version of the above quote-
Behind every successful man, there is a woman and behind her, his wife.
Now, the catch for the hubbers is to find the name of the hubber who said this quote in the old hub  |
Scorpio....is it the same person who goes jogging to hv fun oggling at cuties in t-shirts??
Whoever it is, sorry.... 
-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
NOV wrote: | A Polish man... |
 |
AR - you simply have the talent for spotting the right words...

-
Ramayana by Bill Gates...
LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya, there ruled a PROCESSOR named DOS-rat. Once he EXECUTED a great sacrifice PROGRAM after which his queens gave an OUTPUT of four SUNs--RAM, LSIman,BUG-rat and SED-rughana.RAM the eldest was a MICROCHIP with excellent MEMORY. His brothers, however, were only PERIPHERAL ICs. Once when RAM was only 16MB, he married princess 'C'ta. 12years passed and DOS-rat decided to INSTALL RAM as his successor.
However, Queen CIE/CAE(Kayegayee), who was once offered a boon by DOS-rat for a lifesaving HELP COMMAND, took this opportunity at the instigation of her BIOSed maid (a real plotter), and insisted that her son Bug-rat be INSTALLED and that RAM be CUT-N-PASTED to the forest for 14 years.
At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE passed through DOS-rat and he kollapsed, power-less. RAM agreed to LOG INTO forest and 'C'ta insisted to LOGIN with him. LSI-man also resolved on LOGGING IN with his brother.
The forest was the dwelling of SPARCnakha, the TRAN-SISTOR of RAW-van, PROCESSOR of LAN-ka. Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that he marry her.RAM, politely declined. Perceiving 'C'ta to be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to kill her. Weeping, SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka, where RAW-van, moved by TRAN-SISTOR's plight, approached his uncle MAR-icha. MAR-icha REPROGRAMED himself into the form of a golden stag and drew RAM deep into the forest. Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer, who, with his last breath, cried out resperately for LSI-man in RAM's voice. Fooled by this VIRTUAL RAM SOUND, 'C'ta urged LSI-man to his brother's aid. Catching the opportunity, RAW-van DELINKED 'C'ta from her LIBRARY and changed her ROOT DIRECTORY to LAN-ka.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INTERVAL !!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RAM and LSI-man started SEARCHING for the missing 'C'ta all over the forest. They made friendship with the forest SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR SU-greev and his powerful co-processor Ha-NEUMAN. SU-greev agreed to help RAM. SU-greev ordered his PROGRAMMERS to use powerful 'SEARCH' techniques to FIND the missing 'C'ta. His PROGRAMMERS SEARCHED all around the INTER-NETworked forests.Many tried to 'EXCITE' the birds and animals not to forget the .'WEBCRAWLERS' (Insects) and tried to'INFO SEEK' something about C'ta. Some of them even shouted YAA-HOO' but they all ended up with 'NOT FOUND MESSAGES'. Several other SEARCH techniques proved useless.
Ha-NEUMAN devised a RISKy TECHNOLOGY and used it to cross the seas at an astonishing CLOCK SPEED.Soon Ha-NEUMAN DOWNLOADED himself into LAN-ka. After doing some local SEARCH, Ha-NEUMAN found 'C'ta weeping under a TREE STRUCTURE. Ha-NEUMAN used a LOGIN ID (ring)to identify himself to 'C'ta.
After DECRYPTING THE KEY, 'C'ta believed in him and asked him to send a 'STATUS_OK' MESSAGE to RAM. Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS around 'C'ta captured Ha-NEUMAN and tried to DELETE him using pyro-techniques. But Ha-NEUMAN managed to spread chaos by spreading the VIRUS 'Fire'. Ha-NEUMAN happily pressed ESCAPE from LAN-ka and conveyed all the STATUS MESSAGES to RAM and SU-greev. RAW-wan decided to take the all powerful RAM head-on and prepared for the battle.
One of the RAW-wan's SUN (son) almost DELETED RAM & LSI-man with a powerful brahma-astra. But Ha-NEUMAN resorted to some ACTIVE-X gradients and REFORMATTED RAM and LSI-man. RAM used the SOURCE CODE secrets of RAW-wan and once for all wiped out RAW-wan's presense on earth. After the battle, RAM got INSTALLED in I/O-dhya and spreaded his MICROSOFT WORKS and other USER FRIENDLY PROGRAMS to all USERS and every one lived happily everafter.
-
Akash,

-
This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before his scheduled visit to Washington and meeting with President Bill Clinton.
The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hands with President Clinton, please say "how are you?"
Then Mr. Clinton should say, "I am fine, and you?" Now you should say 'me too'.
Then the translators, will do all the work for you.
It seemed quite simple, but what happened was ....
When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who are you?"
Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: "Well, I am Hilary's husband, haha..."
Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, hahaha.."
His reply was followed by a long moment of silence in the meeting room.
-
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
=============================================
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a kebab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken!
=============================================
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake ?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
=============================================
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
=============================================
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain ... Good
=============================================
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
=============================================
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger
stomach.
=============================================
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
=============================================
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
=============================================
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
=============================================
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chardonnay in one hand and strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming: WOO HOO! What a Ride!!!!"
-
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the fire department could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police
-
The Irish are rumoured to be prodigous guzzlers! Here's one more Irish drink joke...
This Irish guy walks into a bar he has never been to and straight up to the counter. The barman asks him waht he would like to drink but the Irish guy sees a sign behind the bar ‘Anyone who can drink 50 pints in a half hour wins 1000 Euro’.
He turns around immediately and leaves the bar, the bartender is puzzled.
A while later the Irish man comes in, orders 50 pints of Guinness and proceeds to drink them in 29 minutes. The bar man is amazed and asks the Irish man - ‘Thats amazing, no-ne has managed that before! But tell me why did you leave the bar earlier?’
The Irishman replies - ‘Ah sure, I went round the corner to see if I could do it first!’
-
The next time you apply for a day off at work, you boss might just say this:
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
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Reader's Digest CyberSmiles
AUNT KAREN is the mother of two high-spirited young girls. When I called her one morning, our conversation was constantly interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. "Could you hold on for a moment?" my aunt finally asked, putting down the phone. Within ten seconds all I could hear was absolute silence. Then, "Okay, I'm back." "But it's so quiet!" I exclaimed. "You must have complete control over those two." "Not really," my aunt confessed wearily. "I'm in the closet."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Steve Brundage
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PREGNANCY Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause your fatter than they are.
Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A. I don't remember.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control?
A. A misconception.
*****************************************************
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really good-looking."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
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Rajinikanth was bragging to Jayalalitha one day, You know, I
know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.
Tired of his boasting, Jayalalitha called his bluff, OK, Rajini how about Tom Cruise?
Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.
So Rajini and Jayalalitha fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom
Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, Thalaiva! Great to see you!
You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!
Although impressed, Jayalalitha is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, she tells Rajini that she thinks
Rajini knowing Cruise was just lucky.
No, no, just name anyone else, Rajini says.
President Bush, Jayalalitha quickly retorts. Yes, Rajini says, I know
him, let's fly out to Washington. And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Rajini on the tour and motions him , saying, Rajini, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.
Well, Jayalalitha is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, she expresses his doubts to Rajini who again implores her to name anyone else.
The Pope, Jayalalitha replies. Sure! says Rajini.
My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time. So off they fly to Rome. Rajini and jayalalitha are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Rajini says, This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.
Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and
I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Rajini emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Rajini returns, he finds that Jayalalitha had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to Jayalalitha' side, Rajini asks her, What happened?
Jayalalitha looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the
Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,
Who's that on the balcony with Rajini?
Valgaa Thailavar!!!
8)
-
Banta Singh and Santa Singh tired with the mobile communication and decided to use the conventional method of communication. That is to use pigeons to send messages. One day Santa sends his pigeon. When the pigeon reaches to Banta it is with out message. Banta picked his mobile and asked Santa what is this joke? The pigeon is without message. Then Santa said khotey this was a missed call.
==========================================
Bad credit home mortgage loan
-
Funny quotes.....hv a good laugh!
"Where there's a will, there's a way. And where there's a way, then there's usually a stop sign somewhere along the road."
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer
When you lose someone, you realize just how much that person means to you, So maybe its a good thing they're gone. So you can see just how much that person means to you. -Anonymous.
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeners.
-
This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India...
1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.
2. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
3. A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
4. An incident of a leave letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."
5. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.
6. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."
7. Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."
8. From H.A.L. Administration dept: As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.
9. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
10. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
11. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
12. This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."
And the best apllication award goes to....
A candidate's application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or
Female'... As I am both ! for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post
-
Reader's Digest CyberSmiles
MOTHER had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."
"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Mary L Bounds
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After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ... Enjoy!
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
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Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
-
When u feel lonely and alone & cannot see any one around you,
the world seems to be fading away,
come along with me
i'll take u to an eye specialist !!
If marriages are made in heaven , then what are made in Hell?
Ans : the days after marriage
During Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom made to sit on the
horse ?
He is given his last chance to run away.
Your smile can be compared to a flower
Your voice can be compared to a cuckoo
Your inocence to a child
but in stupidity
You have no comparison
You are the best
Dear Friend,
when i ask you flower,
you give me bouquet
when i ask you a stone
you give me a statue
when i ask you a feather
you give me peacock
ARE U REALLY DEAF ?
I had VODKA with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had WHISKY with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had RUM with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water....!!!
when i call you;
1 ring means i'm thinking of you;
2 ring means i like you;
3 means i miss you;
4 means .........pick the phone idiot
Teacher : four beautiful ladies are walking on the road. change it to
exclamatory sentence ....
Student : WOW !
SMILE - is a language of love
SMILE - is a source to win hearts...
SMILE - creates greatness in ur personality
SO....
Brush ur Teeth today onwards
A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..
A beer shortens your life by 4 min..
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!..
History Teacher : From where to where did the mughals rule ?
Student : sir, i am not sure but think from page 15 to 26 sir....
Teacher : U failure ! @ your age Bill gates stood first in the class
Student : Mind u, Sir, but @ your age hitler commited suicide
-
sbadri99 wrote: |
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. |
These Quantasians are crazy ! (tap tap tap)
-
Psychic Chat
A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"When did you learn to speak English?"
-
Good Appetite
They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.
As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.
She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips. For dessert, just bring the cart.
Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but by the cost of all of this, he asked, "Tell me. Do you eat this well at home too?"
"Well, no," she admitted, "But no one at home wants to sleep with me."
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Time's Up
Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them.
Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.
His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishop’s room and then say to him, "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."
Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked.
He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"
-
Serious Patient
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
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Wear Condoms!
A population control program had been introduced in a remote village, but the doctors were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills. They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.
Doctor told Santa, who had 4 children in four years, that he absolutely had to wear a condom. Doctor explained that as long as he wore it his wife could not have another baby.
About a month later Santa's wife, Jeeto, came in and she was pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He called Santa in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked Santa why he hadn't worn the condom.
The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."
The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the heck his wife is pregnant again?"
"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to pee so badly that he cut the end off."
-
First Class Magistrate
First Class Magistrate (FCM) is going thru' a forest one evening when his car breaks down. He looks around and finds a lone house. He knocks the door which is opened by a stunning woman.
FCM: Can I spend the night at your place?
Woman: Well. I live alone.
FCM: I'm an honourable man, a FCM.
Woman: I got only one bed.
FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.
Woman: I go to bed naked.
FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.
Woman: Be my guest, FCM.
Next morning while leaving, FCM finds the woman busy with her poultry.
FCM: Good birds you got there.
Woman: Yeah.
FCM: How many cocks and how many hens?
Woman: Two hundred hens, one ****.
FCM: But I can see over a dozen cocks around.
Woman: Only one **** over there. The others are first class magistrates.
-
Milking Santa
Santa is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. Banta comes in and asks, Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?
Santa: Some things you just can't explain
. Banta: So what happened that is so horrible?
Santa: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my buffalo milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Banta: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?
Santa: Some things you just can't explain.
Banta: So then what happened.?
Santa: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Banta: Again?
Santa: Some things you just can't explain.
Banta: So, what did you do then?
Santa: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Banta: So then what did you do?
Santa: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid buffalo knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Banta: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Santa: Some things you just can't explain.
Banta: So then what did you do then?
Santa: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
-
Reader's Digest CyberSmiles
A PASSENGER on the bus I drive was telling all the other riders how proud she was to finally be getting her driver's license. "No more waiting in the cold for buses!" She proclaimed. "No more being late!" Then she leaned over and asked me to please let her know when we reached the stop for the department of motor vehicles. "I hope you don't mind," she said, "but my vision isn't good enough to read the signs."
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Paul Solem
-
The Internal Revenue Service sent an auditor to a synagogue. As the auditor reviews all the paperwork, he turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes, we do," responded the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" He asked.
"A good question," noted the rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with all the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the rabbi calmly. "We actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer; and every now and then they send us a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how he could fluster the rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he continued, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste." The rabbi answered. What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."
"Internal Revenue?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue. And about once a year, they send us a Little Prick like you."
-
Quote: |
when i call you;
1 ring means i'm thinking of you;
2 ring means i like you;
3 means i miss you;
4 means .........pick the phone up idiot! |
Badri i think Prabhu Ram has gotten his little hands on a hammer again 
-
Querida wrote: |
Quote: | when i call you;
1 ring means i'm thinking of you;
2 ring means i like you;
3 means i miss you;
4 means .........pick the phone up idiot! |
Badri i think Prabhu Ram has gotten his little hands on a hammer again  |
Nice insight, but why me ?
-
Reader's Digest CyberSmiles
TIRED FROM WAITING for their overdue baby, my daughter Margaret and her husband Dave broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. Margaret went inside to get seats while Dave bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.
Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, Dave then joined his wife. Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. Dave sheepishly headed back to the lobby.
When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Cynthia Holmes
-
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.
One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
(H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W -"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H -"What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
2003
models. I saw one I really liked. Its a SLK model. I spoke with the
salesman, and he gave me a really good price . and since we need to
exchange the BMW that we bought last year..
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $65,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else...
H -"What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account
and
I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we
had
looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool
English
garden, acre of park area, beach front property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see that we have that
much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"
W - "OK,sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love you too..."
The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks "Does anyone know who this Cell phone belongs to???"
--keep ur mobile safe 
-
Badri i think Prabhu Ram has gotten his little hands on a hammer again
[/quote] Nice insight, but why me ?[/quote]
Because: [quote]These Quantasians are crazy ! (tap tap tap)[/quote]
Akash...
What about the Movies?
Do cruise ships show 'Titanic' as the evening movie?
Don't you think that the ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place? After all in the movies no one ever looks in there and you can travel to any part of the building without any difficulties right?
For those who are super-sensitive and demand only happy endings why don't they have a special showing of 'Titanic' running the film backwards?
How come all the villains know who James Bond is if he's supposed to be a secret agent?
How come bad guys always wait until the good guy comes before they start torturing their victim? Is that smart or what?
How come in action movies when a car takes off, the tires always make a screeching noise, even when the roads are wet?
How come in all the James Bond movies when the bad guys are chasing and shooting at James their bullets always land behind him and never in front of him?
In James Bond films as with many others why do the villains always tell the hero all about their plot and then not kill them immediately? And why do they always plan some horrible death for the hero through some extravagant contraption or explosion then walk away assuming it will happen?
In movies whenever there's a car chase why is the car always an extremely expensive one? And why does it always crash?
In the James Bond films how does Q always know exactly what James Bond needs? Is he psychic?
Why do good guys always shoot better than bad guys?
Why do the bad guys always wear black hats and the good guys always wear white ones?
Why is it that in the movies cars will explode in all accidents no matter how slight?
Why is it that in the movies when a guy's girlfriend is about to die or be murdered his car always either breaks down or gets stuck in traffic?
Why is it that most action movies the hero can be surrounded by bad guys with machine guns and only be armed with one pistol but still kill all the bad guys and end up untouched?
Why was 'Titanic' such a big hit? Don't we all know what happens? The boat sinks.
-
Reader's Digest CyberSmiles
AN EXTERMINATING COMPANY was giving free termite inspections, and my dad phoned for an appointment. After the inspector checked out our house, he said to Dad, "You don't have any termites right now, but there's a bunch of 'em in that firewood out back. When they've eaten their way through it, I guarantee they'll head for your house."
Dad was silent for a moment. Then, in his slow drawl, he replied, "Well, from the prices you quoted, I figure it would be cheaper for me just to buy the termites another cord of wood."
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Bertha Morgan
-
Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are more than enough!
No one has ever complained of a parachute not
opening..
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an
annual free trip around the Sun..
Your future depends on your dreams, So go to sleep !
ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY. So what ? Who's in a hurry ?
Work fascinates me I can look at it for hours !
Love is photogenic, It needs darkness to develop
A good discussion is like a miniskirt, Short enough to
pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject
Children in backseats cause accidents, Accidents in
backseats cause children !
Do you know of a Sardar who parked his car in front of
board which said FINE FOR PARKING
A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge
began, you've been brought here for drinking..
Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?
Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting..
Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are
staying married just to be different..
When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?
She answers: My husband's cheque book..
Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one
else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
yesterday.
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
My father is so old that when he was in school,
history was called current affairs.
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
Showing?
Student: Brotherly love.
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers
before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need
much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the
right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much
help anyway!!
Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car
around it.
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is
exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the
manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three
days, you can keep it.
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to
teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good
-
A husband and wife went for haircuts. On the way out, they met another couple .....
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
blah, blah, blah ... ...
In the meantime, the men...
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
-
You know the Kidnapping is a NEWUPCOMING BUSINESS in Bihar... But it will execute in Panjab...
Here is the fact...
There was a Sardarji (HARMEET SINGH) who was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him forr ansom.
He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
HARMEET then wrote a notesaying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the mango tree on the north side of the city playground".Signed: "A Sardarji".
HARMEET then pinned the note to the kid's shirtand sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the HARMEETchecked, and sure enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree.The boy was sitting next to the bag. HARMEET opened up the bag and found the Rs.2,00,000 incash with a note saying:
"How can a sardarji do this to a fellowSardarji? Take the money, and Please leave my son." Signed: Another Sardarji
-
A man was sleeping in his house. Suddenly Yamaraj appeared & said, "Go out & enjoy. Nothing will happen to you for the next 10 years." He did so & met with an accident & died In heaven, he asked GOD, why did you lie to me. -
.
.
.
.
.
.
" SORRY SON, Appraisal time , HAD TO ACHIEVE TARGET...
-
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,
and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I
could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
-
How to make a woman happy!
To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a psychologist
15. a pest exterminator
16. a psychiatrist
17. a healer
18. a good listener
19. an organizer
20. a good father
21. very clean
22. sympathetic
23. athletic
24. warm
25. attentive
26. gallant
27. intelligent
28. funny
29. creative
30. tender
31. strong
32. understanding
33. tolerant
34. prudent
35. ambitious
36. capable
37. courageous
38. determined
39. true
40. dependable
41. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
42. give her compliments regularly
43. love shopping
44. be honest
45. be very rich
46. not stress her out
47. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
48. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
49. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
50. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
51. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
-
How to make a man happy!
1 . Leave him in peace.
-
NOV wrote: |
How to make a man happy!
1 . Leave him in peace. |
You forgot to add, "and let him have the remote!" 
-
sbadri99 wrote: |
NOV wrote: | How to make a man happy!
1 . Leave him in peace. |
You forgot to add, "and let him have the remote!"  |
maybe I need to be clearer.
1 . Leave him in peace.
Is that better Badri? 
-
NOV wrote: |
sbadri99 wrote: | NOV wrote: | How to make a man happy!
1 . Leave him in peace. |
You forgot to add, "and let him have the remote!"  | maybe I need to be clearer.
1 . Leave him in peace.
Is that better Badri?  |
The operative word, NOV is actually leave!!
It should be
1. LEAVE him in peace
-
hahaha, as though we want them!
-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
hahaha, as though we want them! |
That was a good joke!! AR: see NOV's first joke! You'd know how much women want us men!!
-
That's what presumed by man.
It's no surprise, afterall, it is posted by a man and seconded by another.
Well, if indeed men take heed all those mentioned, who's complaining? 
-
Badri & Nov,
Ivalo pesuringa...aprom en kalyanam pannininga?... Neenga aambalainga ellam ponnungalai valaichu poatu avunga nimmathiyay kedukarathum illama enna chumma kathai vittitu irukinga?... Etho ponnunga ungalai sangili poatu katti vechu irukira maathiri pesuringa??!!!
-
dev wrote: |
Badri & Nov,
Ivalo pesuringa...aprom en kalyanam pannininga?... Neenga aambalainga ellam ponnungalai valaichu poatu avunga nimmathiyay kedukarathum illama enna chumma kathai vittitu irukinga?... Etho ponnunga ungalai sangili poatu katti vechu irukira maathiri pesuringa??!!! |
Dev,
Ivanga wives ellam hub pakkame vara maattanga engira theiriyathula thaan ivvalo pechu.. Wife-a pakkathula vechukittu oru vaarthai type panna sollunga parpom.. ellarum udane escape.. 
-
very true Scorpio...
-
Quote: |
Etho ponnunga ungalai sangili poatu katti vechu irukira maathiri |
Hey I'll second that idea!
*****************************************************
Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
*****************************************************
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
*****************************************************
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
*****************************************************
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Looking stunned, he said, "What?"
*****************************************************
-
Specially for Jaiganesh!
1.Love is holding hands in the street, Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
2. Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant, Marriage is fish & chips takeaway.
3. Love is cuddling on a sofa, Marriage is deciding on a sofa.
4. Love is talking about having children, Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
5. Love is going to bed early, Marriage is going to sleep early.
6. Love is a romantic drive, Marriage is a tarmac drive.
7. Love is losing your appetite, Marriage is losing your figure.
8. Love is sweet nothing in the ear, Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
9. Love is a flickering flame, Marriage is a flickering television.
10. Love is 1 drink and 2 straws, Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?"
11. Love is staying awake all night holding each other. Marriage is staying awake all night having an argument.
12. Love is driving to 'lovers lane' Marriage is driving to the supermarket.
13. Love is not being together enough. Marriage is being together too long.
14. Love is skipping work to be close to her. Marriage is working.
Love longer... Marriage Later 
-
A man sees another man leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.
The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"
"Four."
"How long have you been smoking?"
"Thirty years."
"That's over forty thousand packs! Why, if you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."
The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"
"Never."
"Do you own this building?"
"No."
"Well, I do."
-
A new lady teacher, came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with -name, and hobby. She said " Let's start with the boys first. The Boys start giving their intro.......
First boy : "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub."
The Teacher was confused en and said, "Interesting - well, ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok John. Yes, next-"
Second boy : "Myself Peter, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub"
The Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good.. I like the spirit of supporting a friend . Ok, next -"
Third boy : "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub"
Teacher : "Guys, are u joking or what ? Please be sincere. Ok, next -"
This continues, and the last boy stands up : "I'm Harry, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub"
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach you boys for long. Any way, now the girls please -"
First girl : "I'm July and my hobby is to watch birds"
Teacher : "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next-
"Second girl : "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes"
Teacher : "Now its like educated grown-up girls. Ok, next- you, sweet girl- yes, you.."
The most gorgeously beautiful girl of the class : "Ma'm, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to bathe three times a day".......!!!"
-
How To Answer The Usual Questions Asked Of Indians
Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target....
Q. Indians cannot beef, huh?
A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.
Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the bottom of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk.
Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.
Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?
A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem.....
Q. Does India have cars?
A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.
-
What does an elephant do if it breaks a toe?
Gives up ballet dancing.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?", "No," says the psychic. "Next term in her biology lesson."
What's worse than a giraffe with a stiff neck?
An elephant with a stuffed nose.
You know computers have taken over your life when...
You hum the Windows opening theme when ever you wake up
You think the numbers on tombstones are high scores
You use Google to search for your car keys
You actually hand in work from EssayGenerator.com
You keep getting fired as you beat up you boss thinking that you’ll get to the next level
You keep a trash can and a selection of neatly arranged folders on your des ktop
You excuse yourself to go to the toilet by anouncing that you have to "download"
You try to shut windows by tapping them on the top right corner
You refer to meals as "power ups"
You call christmas a "bonus round"
Ensoy!!
-
LOVE :
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place,
You either married it or gave birth to it!
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
-
Reader's Digest CyberSmiles
I WAS WORKING at the grocery-store checkout counter, and a woman and her son came through the line. The son unloaded the cart. Two eggs in a carton had been broken, and half a loaf of bread had been mysteriously crushed. His mother chided him, remarking that she would have to make French toast with the injured items. He looked properly repentant until his mother walked off. Then he whispered to me, "A friend told me to try the broken egg/squashed bread routine. That's how he gets his mom to make French toast for him!"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Judith Cutcher
-
A wife comes in and yells, "Honey! Pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!"
Her husband yells back, "But should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
The wife replies, "I don't care! Just get the hell out!"
****************************************************
Stanley was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player, who was known primarily for his lack of I.Q. and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
Stanley's wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
*****************************************************
I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling. "I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." he replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying, 'My husband is home! My husband is home!"
*****************************************************
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied. 
-
If marriages are made in heaven , then what are made in Hell?
The days after marriage
During Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom made to sit on the horse?
He is given a last chance to run away.
A couple came across a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and remarked, "It really works!"
-
I read this one in Vijay Times a no brainer newspaper in Bangalore. It is a comic strip. This one is a real beauty.
Guy1: These days people don't remember God when they are all fine.
Guy2: But I do. starts talking to GOD hi dude whatsup...
Guy1: But the other day after your exams you were saying "Oh God, My dear GOD, Please GOD and so on...
Guy2: ???!!!!
Laugh if you can,,,,,,....................
Hello NOV! how is your colour blindness ?
-
jaiganes wrote: |
Hello NOV! how is your colour blindness ? |
this is the first sign Jai.
Be scared.
Be very scared......
-
I am very scared now.
In Sixth Sense Hally Joel Osment tone
I see colourful people!
-
Reader's Digest CyberSmiles
MY DAUGHTERS and I had just moved into Building D in a large apartment complex. Soon afterward, we gave a "ladies only" lingerie-sales party for my daughters' friends. The party was well under way when there was a knock at the door. The young man standing there got a glimpse of attractive young women modeling bikinis and nightgowns, and his eyes widened. "A friend told me there might be a rental in Building G," he stammered. I told him he had the wrong address and gave him directions. A minute later I heard a tentative knock. It was the same young man. "Are there any vacancies in this building?" he asked.
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Virginia Prentis
-
Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are more than enough!
No one has ever complained of a parachute not
opening..
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an
annual free trip around the Sun..
Your future depends on your dreams, So go to sleep !
ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY. So what ? Who's in a hurry ?
Work fascinates me I can look at it for hours !
Love is photogenic, It needs darkness to develop
A good discussion is like a miniskirt, Short enough to
pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject
Children in backseats cause accidents, Accidents in
backseats cause children !
Do you know of a Sardar who parked his car in front of
board which said FINE FOR PARKING
A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge
began, you've been brought here for drinking..
Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?
Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting..
Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are
staying married just to be different..
When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?
She answers: My husband's cheque book..
Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one
else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
yesterday.
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
My father is so old that when he was in school,
history was called current affairs.
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
Showing?
Student: Brotherly love.
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers
before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need
much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the
right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much
help anyway!!
Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car
around it.
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is
exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the
manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three
days, you can keep it.
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to
teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
-
SINCE WE LIVE in Arizona, my sons -- ages four and six -- are constantly on the lookout for "real cowboys." They were ecstatic when two cowpunchers strode down an aisle in the grocery store. Their rough-and-tumble garb was authentic: dusty jeans, ten-gallon hats and well-worn boots with jangling spurs. "What could they be buying in here?" I wondered out loud. "Probably beer and tobacco." At the checkout line I saw the cowboys strutting out the door. Tucked under their arms were jumbo-sized boxes of disposable diapers.
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Anne Buzzard
-
I ONCE WORKED as principal of a school in Venezuela. The first day on the job, I wanted the custodian to know that everything had to be shipshape. Since I couldn't speak Spanish and he couldn't speak English, we communicated by hand signals.
While we were inspecting a classroom, I noticed some screws loose on a door hinge. I touched them and twisted my hand. The custodian gave me a blank stare. Finally I found a screwdriver and started tightening the screws. The man smiled and nodded his head vigorously. I gave him the screwdriver to finish the job and returned to my office, content with my accomplishment. Five minutes later he walked in and laid the door on my desk.
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by William H. McWhorter
Smiles, grins & humor from the files of Reader's Digest!
-
A few sterotypes of women in movies:
Women will always have shaved legs and armpits, even in caveman movies.
Women will be worrying about their nails or dresses while people are trying to kill them. (see also CHASES)
Women stand wide-eyed, hand to mouth, while hero battles villain. Women never thinks to clonk villain with handy object. Counterpoint: If woman does clonk, she always hits hero instead.
Women always fight other movie women by pulling hair, falling to ground together, rolling over twice.
High-powered female executives always wear miniskirts and five-inch heels to work
Beautiful women will always fawn over an action hero, no matter what sexist remarks he makes to them.
A female lead with feminist leanings will always despise a macho hero--until the first time he rescues her from certain death. She will then become totally conventional and dependent. Once she does this, the hero will become vulnerable and tell her about some tragic loss that will explain his belligerent attitude.
Women wear make-up to bed, and wake up with hair and face completely intact.
Women don't need to go to the bathroom when they get up but will shower frequently.
If a woman is pregnant, she will deliver before the movie ends.
Women also scream or make some other noise at the precise moment the villian is close enough to hear.
Women always stand and watch the cars that are about to run them over, OR the bad-guys that are about to shoot them (even if there's cover close by).
Strong (character/will) women are always macho, or bitchy.
Women always stuff their fist(s) in their mouths when terrified.
Women always have to be rescued by the hero, even if they're champion/ expert this or that.
Women are always too hysterical to do what the hero instructs. He has to elp/force her/knock her out.

-
Surya wrote: |
Women never thinks to clonk villain with handy object. Counterpoint: If woman does clonk, she always hits hero instead. |
Perhaps the directors should visit the hub to know abt the existence of blonk (clonk) queens!
Surya wrote: |
Women wear make-up to bed, and wake up with hair and face completely intact. |
Surya wrote: |
Women always have to be rescued by the hero, even if they're champion/ expert this or that. |
Not in this hub!!!! Here, the men need rescuing!!

-
"WATCH OUT," I once cautioned my husband, Mike, who was driving. "Don't you see that car is braking?" Then I snapped, "Don't pass that truck -- his tire is wobbling."
Mike turned on his CB and informed the trucker about his loose wheel. I had been in a nasty mood all morning because of a headache, and the incessant squealing of the CB was more than I could handle. "Why do you always get so much static?" I asked.
"Because," Mike replied, "I'm married."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Carol Zatzkin
Smiles, grins & humor from the files of Reader's Digest!
-
Quote: |
Women never thinks to clonk villain with handy object. Counterpoint: If woman does clonk, she always hits hero instead. |
NM wrote: |
Perhaps the directors should visit the hub to know abt the existence of blonk (clonk) queens! |
Yes!! There are some HEROs who are so terrified, they flee when they find the SANTHARPAM to do so from certain clonkers
.
NM wrote: |
Not in this hub!!!! Here, the men need rescuing!! |
True!
Poor Shekar...where is he? 
-
How does an American help heal the Russian economy?
-As does an injection into an artificial limb.
News.
An American aircraft carrier crashed and sunk in the Atlantic ocean.
None of our men were hurt.
Sign on the wall of the American Army Green Beret headquarters:
"If you kill for joy, you are a sadist.
If you kill for money, you are a mercenary.
If you kill for both of the above, you are a Green Beret."
American jornalist interviews a Russian writer. He puts his feet on the table and asks:
- I hope this does not embarass you.
- Oh, no. Feel free to put all 4 of your legs up there.
Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
A couple from Montana decided to go to Canada for their holidays one summer. They drove north across the border, stopped at a dinosaur park, then continued northeast. After driving for a couple of days, they realized they were lost. They found a small city, and pulled over to ask a pedestrian for directions.
"Hey buddy, can you tell us where we are?"
The pedestrian smiled, said "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan", and went on his way.
The driver turned to his wife and said "Well, we still don't know where we are. He doesn't even speak English."
This is the transcript on an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10 - 10 - 95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES` ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
-
The last one was hilarious, Q!!! Typical, eh!!!

-
A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
**************************************************
An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."
He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
*****************************************************
On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said:
"Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it
will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall
have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and
eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass
and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs
over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life,
and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so
as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these
inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the
most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are
being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the
neighbors I am going to give them."
-
Why Ma? Why? : The following are answers given by elementary school age children in NA
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other
people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess
would be pretty bossy.
2. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she
married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800
a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And
my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking
cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because
dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the
stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more
to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just
got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the
real power
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I
think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
-

-
Way to go, Q!
-
Some of them were kind of cute though! 
-
Raja: Which shaving cream do you use?
Ravi: Baba's
Raja: Which aftershave do you use?
Ravi: Baba's
Raja: Which deodorant do you use?
Ravi: Baba's
Raja: Which toothpaste do you use?
Ravi: Baba's
Raja: Which shampoo do you use?
Ravi: Baba's
Raja: Which vests do you use?
Ravi: Baba's
Raja(Frustrated): Okay, tell me, What is this Baba? Is it an international company???
Ravi: No, He is my roommate.
-
welcome back, nov!!

-
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who have been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine.
They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered...
SCROLL DOWN...
[This is great] - wait for it !!!!
"The teeth."
-
WHILE WORKING at Walt Disney World as a Magic Kingdom custodian, I was responsible for emptying the trash cans in front of the castle. One afternoon as I dumped out a refuse container, I heard a small girl ask her mother, "Who's that lady?" "Why, honey," her mom replied, "that must be Cinderella!"
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Kristin Freefelder
-
A NERVOUS ATTENDANT on my husband's flight announced: "I don't know how this happened, but we have 100 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight." Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Patricia Gill
-
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
-
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary. But to no avail.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot; the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
-
Back in full form, i see!

-
Height of some things
1. What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip.
2. What is height of Secrecy?
Offering black visiting cards.
3. What is height of Active laziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
4. What is height of Laziness?
Marrying a pregnant woman.
5. What is height of Craziness?
Getting a black paper Xeroxed.
6. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
7. What is height of Stupidity?
A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
8. What is height of Honesty?
A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
9. What is height of Suicide?
A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.
10. What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder.
-
scorpio wrote: |
1. What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip.
.
.
.
3. What is height of Active laziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
4. What is height of Laziness?
Marrying a pregnant woman.
.
.
.
8. What is height of Honesty?
A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
.
.
.
10. What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder. |
oh my god!! those were really funny 
-
Querida, saw yr post in "insulting behaviour"
!! its damn funny.... recalled Mr. Bean 
-
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."
God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg..."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
-
Oh NOV!!! Just where do you get these gems from??
-

-
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
God said, " another dumber like YOU!"
-
scorpio wrote: |
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
God said, " another dumber like YOU!" |
now you know why they say women are their worst enemies..... 
-
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
God said, " brain for YOU!"
-
... "I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
-
Or even better, scorpio:
Adam:What can I get for just a rib?
God: a non-whiner who puts up with your nonsense
and who won't let you come running back
to me for everything. Most importantly, she won't
bargain!
Thereafter, womenkind were doomed eternally to live with men as they had not the privilege of asking god for a better choice.

-
Q: If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...
Would you go to lunch or to a movie?
Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, let her do the dishes in the dark.
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Never mind that; why was she out of the house?
Q: A woman walks into a cocktail bar, approaches the barman and says : " Can I have a double-entendre please?"
So he gives her one.........
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it!
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q: How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"?
A: "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
-
NOV: Your popularity rating with the women just dipped another 10 degrees!
Sorry, did I just say "dipped"? Make that plummeted! 
-
sbadri99 wrote: |
NOV: Your popularity rating with the women just dipped another 10 degrees!  |
was he ever popular?

-
Badri & NM
I am not in this for popularity. The truth must be told.
Let me not waste this post and post another good one...
=====================
A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."
-
Shall I join the NOV bandwagon? Or shall I take a pro-woman stand?
Why not do both!! One for the man, one for the woman!
Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something really clever?
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me.."
Q. What is the thickest book in the world?
A. "What Men Think They Know About Women"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created
Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Q. What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
A. I don't know, I've never seen either one.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is shouting through the letter box, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
-
and one for the road...
1. Two times a week, my wife and I go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in NY
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"
-
Husband defined
Husband - Someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression that he has just cleaned the entire house.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taking a Joke
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Perfect
A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.
-
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be standing next to a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
-
cheez! is that all you can do?
too polite for a come back! 
-
Guys!
You all badly miss Shekhar! Think something original and stop that copy-paste! 
-
Well, since it seems like all out war, here goes some more
Understanding a Woman
We need REALLY MEANS I want
You want REALLY MEANS You need
It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.
We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain
Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.
Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.
I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.
This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house.
You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.
Yes REALLY MEANS No
No REALLY MEANS No
Maybe REALLY MEANS No
Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.
Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful.
I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.
Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.
I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?
-
The Rules
1.The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3.No male can possibly know all the rules.
4.If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
7.If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8.The female can change her mind at any given point in time for any reason.
9.The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
10.The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11.The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12.The female must not, under any circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13.Any attempt by the male to document these rules could result in severe bodily harm.
14. If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void
-
NOV and Badri,
Pl. take some time to go thru' the jokes posted already in this thread.. What you both are doing is just a repeat! Good advice will be to send SOS to Bangalore!!
-
Honestly, NOV, I couldnt find anything that comes close to your lame ones. So I give up.

-
Scorpio: If only men had that much time to spend on old posts and old threads !!

-
A man and his wife entered the dentist's office.
"I want a tooth pulled," the man said.
"We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff."
"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"
"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.
-
scorpio wrote: |
NOV and Badri,
Pl. take some time to go thru' the jokes posted already in this thread.. What you both are doing is just a repeat! Good advice will be to send SOS to Bangalore!! |
Men taking advice?

-
sbadri99 wrote: |
Scorpio: If only men had that much time to spend on old posts and old threads !!  |
Oooops, sorry, that requires memory which in turn requires BRAINS.. I rest my case! 
-
LONDON (Reuters) Yesterday scientists for Health U.K. suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a two-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men:
1.Gained weight
2.Talked excessively without making sense
3.Became overly emotional
4.Couldn't drive a car
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologise when obviously wrong
No further testing is considered necessary.
-
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
-
NOV wrote: |
Q: If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...
Would you go to lunch or to a movie?
.
.
Q: A woman walks into a cocktail bar, approaches the barman and says : " Can I have a double-entendre please?"
So he gives her one.........
.
.
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
.
.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it!
.
.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side. |
NOV pls, i dont want to get sacked on laughing like this in office
oh my god!! oh my god!!
-
NOV wrote: |
and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this." |
Today its been a day for joke, thankz for scorpio to start this, and getting the returns 
-
akash!
hope you dont have a female boss!
-
NOV wrote: |
akash!
hope you dont have a female boss! |
antha bayam irunthaal seri.
I just read yr signature line and will stop arguing as I don't want to be pulled down to that level!
-
NOV wrote: |
akash!
hope you dont have a female boss! |
Male humour. 
-
NOV wrote: |
akash!
hope you dont have a female boss! |
No, in my team only one gal is there... we all are laughing here
!!
Sad for the one gal in my team and others (To Whom ever it may concern.....) 
-
only a woman sees an argument, when there is none.

-
Akash wrote: |
NOV wrote: | akash!
hope you dont have a female boss! |
No, in my team only one gal is there... we all are laughing here !!
Sad for the one gal in my team and others (To Whom ever it may concern.....)  |
How chweeeeet of you dear!
-
continuing JC's Politically Correct Definitions....
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
-
Advice From Men To Women
...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
...Please don't drive when you're not driving.
...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!
...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
-
Dont know if this has been posted yet ! enjoy...
His and Hers ATM Machines
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away
HERS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
-
At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
-
I HAD SPENT THE WEEK visiting my sister, and we expected our parents to arrive the next day. Early that morning I awoke to the noise of the vacuum cleaner. My sister was hard at work sweeping, dusting and cleaning windows. "What are you doing?" I asked sleepily, as she shoved a dust-cloth into my hand.
"Get to work. Mom and Dad will be here by noon." She raced into the kitchen and began mopping the floor.
"The place looks great," I protested. "You cleaned it just before I got here."
"Yes, but for you the house was sister clean," she replied, never breaking stride with her mop. "Now it has to be mother clean!"
I started dusting.
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Jane C Sutton
-
Awww NOV-san must you repeat...has desperation driven you to this?
must be age....
I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN
- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...
- I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
- I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
-
Nice!!!

-
Dunno... if it has been posted, already...
/*C Program to Propose a girl*/
#include<STD ISD PCO.h>
#include<love.h>
#define Cute beautiful_lady
main()
{
goto college;
scanf("100%",&ladies);
if(lady ==Cute )
line++;
while( !reply )
{
printf("I Love U");
scanf("100%",&reply);
}
if(reply == "GAALI")
main(); /* go back and repeat the process */
else if(reply == "SANDAL ")
exit(1);
else if(reply == "I Love U")
{
lover =Cute ;
love = (heart*)malloc(sizeof(lover));
}
goto restaurant;
restaurant:
{
food++;
smile++;
pay->money = lover->money;
return(college);
}
if(time==2.30)
goto cinema;
cinema:
{
watch++;
if(intermission)
{
coke++;
Popecorn++;
}
}
if(time ==6.00)
goto park;
park:
{
for(time=6.30;time<= 8.30;time+=0.001)
kiss = kiss+1;
}
free(lover);
return(home);
if(time ==9.30)
goto pub;
pub:
{
friends++;
party++;
booze++;
smoke++;
if(pub.close())
{
pay->bill;
come->out;
}
}
if (highly->intoxicated)
goto friendsroom;
else
{
sweetpan++;
polo++;
goto home;
}
friendsroom:
{
goto sleep;
}
home:
{
if(mom.shouts())
{
reason=(combinedstudy || projectwork || friendsbday);
say->reason;
}
if(dad.shouts())
shut->yourmouth;
call->lover;
if(phone->voice==(lover_dad->voice ||lover_mom->voice))
{
hang++;
}
else if(phone->voice==lover->voice)
{
for(time=12:30;time<=1.30;time+=0.001)
{
say->ILuvU;
scanf("100%",&reply); /* "I Love U" already stored in reply */
}
}
goto sleep;
}
sleep:
{
*(dream)=love;
}
}
-
ennappa Aakasu: unakku thaan proposals varuthunnu kealvipatten!!

-
sbadri99 wrote: |
ennappa Aakasu: unakku thaan proposals varuthunnu kealvipatten!!  |
Aandava, yethukku.. yethukku.. muditchu podarathunnu alavea illama ragalai pannaratha
!!
So which goto '...." : If(.....){.....} seems to be better in the above code 
-
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense
It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women..and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!
It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE vs ARRANGED.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered
A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE..
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!
-
Badri, both you moderators have joined hands, is it?
Better NOV be!!

-
MOST OF MY baby daughter's wardrobe consisted of hand-me-downs from an older cousin. Since he was a boy, everything she wore was blue.
At the supermarket, other shoppers repeatedly complimented me on my fine-looking son. Eventually I gave up correcting them and began replying, "Yes, he is." Then one day I realized that I wasn't the only mother with this problem. As I pushed my cart down the aisle, I saw what I assumed was a baby boy. A closer look revealed my mistake.
On the back of the baby's blue jacket was a message stitched in small pink letters. It read: "Underneath my hand-me-downs, I'm every inch a woman."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Patti Lacina
-
IN THE LAMAZE childbirth classes I teach, the first hour is a lecture. During the second hour, the couples get on the floor to practice breathing and relaxation techniques.
The lecture one evening was "Sex During Pregnancy." When I finished presenting the material, I asked if there were any questions. After waiting a moment, I tried to proceed -- only to be interrupted when the class burst out laughing. It took me a few seconds to realize what I'd said: "Okay, if there are no questions about sex during pregnancy, let's get down on the floor and practice."
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Nancy Romans
-
Anu,
what a relief from the usual wife-bashing in the name of jokes!
-
Scorpio: Just thought of posting something funny rather than post some men-bashing jokes!
inna seithaarai oruththal avar naana nannayam seithu vidal - appadinu namma thaatha Valluvar solli irukaar illaya 
-
Anu -engeyo poiteenga...

-
engayum pogalappa, itho ingatha, en chair-la thaan ukkanthiruken
- inaiku adiyen seri kadi mood-la iruken, neenga thaan maatuneenga
manichukonga 
-
MY HUSBAND, Robert, and I were watching television the last Saturday evening in April. When he went to bed, I stayed up to see the end of a program. Before retiring, I turned the clocks ahead for daylight-saving time.
The next morning, the alarm wakened us for early church. When we arrived, it was still dark, and no one was there. "I can't imagine what's wrong," I said. "I turned the clocks ahead."
"So did I," Robert quietly replied.
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Florence Leinaweaver
-
Actually I loved this one, because earlier this year I was in Venice the day the clocks changed. My hubby dear and myself after walking around Venice the previous day came to the hotel and crashed. A day earilier himself and my friend had an argument about if the clocks went back or forward in March and I did not listen to them carefully (was playing with my friend's one year old) I thought that the clocks went back (That was what they finally decided, though I knew it was "Spring forward and Fall back"). So when the next morning when we got ready and came down for breakfast thinking it was 9, it was actually 11!
I had to use my usual grovelling skills to get breakfast (or was it brunch) that day!
-
Anu........very subtle jokes!

-
NO OFFENSE!
MEN ARE LIKE .......
Placemats
- they show up when there's food on the table
Mascara
- they usually run at the first sign of emotion
Bike helmets
- handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly
Government bonds
- they take so long to mature
Copiers
- you need them for reproduction but that's about it
Lava Lamps
- fun to look at but not all that bright
High heels
- they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it
Curling irons
- they're always hot and they're always in your hair
Mini skirts
- if you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs
Handguns
- keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it!
-
NM, why do you need to be apologetic when telling the truth?
Indeed men are:
Placemats - women just want to show them off to their girlfriends.
Mascara - they make a woman complete.
Bike helmets - life-savers
Government bonds - your future
Copiers - Make lives easy
Lava Lamps - Add colour to your miserable lives.
High heels - Something women won't leave home without
Curling irons - Your neighbour's is always better.
Mini skirts - Great for comparison with other users.
Handguns - Explosive!
-
Oooh la la!! someone's in true form today!!

-
Sabash! Seriyaana POtti!!
NM...NOV's giving you your run for the money!!!
Viva NOV!!
-
NOV wrote: |
NM, why do you need to be apologetic when telling the truth?
Indeed men are:
Placemats - women just want to show them off to their girlfriends.
Mascara - they make a woman complete.
Bike helmets - life-savers
Government bonds - your future
Copiers - Make lives easy
Lava Lamps - Add colour to your miserable lives.
High heels - Something women won't leave home without
Curling irons - Your neighbour's is always better.
Mini skirts - Great for comparison with other users.
Handguns - Explosive! |

-
Shekhar,
Welcome back! The male hubbers missed you a lot, to be honest! 
-
Nov, thats WOW!!
-
Shekhar wrote: |
NOV wrote: | NM, why do you need to be apologetic when telling the truth?
Indeed men are:
Placemats - women just want to show them off to their girlfriends.
Mascara - they make a woman complete.
Bike helmets - life-savers
Government bonds - your future
Copiers - Make lives easy
Lava Lamps - Add colour to your miserable lives.
High heels - Something women won't leave home without
Curling irons - Your neighbour's is always better.
Mini skirts - Great for comparison with other users.
Handguns - Explosive! |
 |
Hmmmm...as usual.........MEN are SOOO predictive! anyway, welcome back Shekhar! Go to the puzzle thread..NOV was looking for you over there! 
-
NOV, that was really witty
!
Now, where did you lift it from?

-
Once Jesus & satan had a fight - who was better at computers? God agreed to act as Judge. He held a test. Both Jesus & satan worked on the PC for about 2 hrs - typing, creating files, folders etc., etc., .
Then suddenly there was a power cut. Satan raved & ranted since all his data was lost. Once power resumed, Jesus quietly went to his PC & started taking print outs. Satan complained severely that Jesus had cheated.
To this God replied "JESUS SAVES"
-
Dear Mr."sanjay"
// ... "JESUS SAVES" //
Jesus ....SAVES... in Life !!! ...as also...
Jesus... SAVES... Data in Computer TOO.. !!!.
Ah! What a Beautiful... "PUN."... !!!.... along with ....FUN !!!
-
Sanjay and Sudhamma, Nice! 
-
1. An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.
2. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, Please grant me half day casual leave"
3. A candidate's application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.
4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his friend's letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school"
6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day".
7. A covering note "I am enclosed herewith..."
8. Another leave letter written to Administration dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
9. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
10. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
-
madam PP..neengge inggeya????
good ones..

-
NM, ennai oru humour-less soul enRu mudivukatti vitteerkalaa?

-
pavalamani pragasam wrote: |
NM, ennai oru humour-less soul enRu mudivukatti vitteerkalaa?  |
Ille ma'am......mannikkavum..
naan anthe arthathule sollule....
etho thideernu intha pakkam vanthengelae, athaan! 
-
intha virtual world-la yaar yaar engka pOraangka, enna padikkiRaangka, enna ezuthuRaangka, enna ninaikkiRaangka ellaamE rakasiyam
munpu ennai roast paNNum pOthu sonnaangkaLE, naan kuRippaa sila threads mattum paarppEnnu, pathil solvEnnu- enakku siripputhaan vanthuchi 
-
In a poor zoo of India, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not
more than 1 kg meat a day.
The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager
visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion
to the US Zoo.
The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c
environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also.
On its first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag,
sealed very nicely for breakfast.
The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained
few peanuts.
Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as
they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from
India.
The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the
same food bag of peanuts was delivered.
The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at
him, "Don't you know I am the lion...king of the Jungle..., what's
wrong with your management?, what nonsense is this?, why are you delivering peanuts to me?"
The delivery boy politely said, "Sir, I know you are the king of the
jungle but .. did you know that you have been brought here on a
monkey's visa!!! .
-
Krishnan......liked the last line..

-
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. Then he heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You @&*%$#, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."
"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!
-
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFC's and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton.
"Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no-one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.
God then addresses Bill Gates.
"Bill Gates, what do you believe?"
Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."
**************************************************
hmmm glad my ma didn't have this decision to make i'd be a goner!
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
**************************************************
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
****************************************************
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
*****************************************************
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."
*****************************************************
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do NOT leave children or spouses."
*****************************************************
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 740 to Dallas, Texas. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
****************************************************
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Excerpt from Colombo Times - On 26th Dec '04 early morning, several hours before the catastrophe happened, Honolulu Tsunami Monitoring Center have been trying to call the Meteorological Dept. Monitoring Center in Palekelle and Colombo but failed. They also got in touch with Presidents' Office however they were informed that she's out of the island on a private vacation. Finally they called Prime Minister's Secretariat, but Prime minister was out on his morning walk. Thinking at least it is best to keep him vigilant on this, the Honolulu Officials left the message with the person, who picked up the phone, to inform Prime Minister that there's Tsunami coming from Indonesia. On Prime Minister's return, the operator told Prime Minister about the call, and said T. Sunami from Indonesia is arriving in 2 hours time. Prime Minister promptly took action to send a delegation to Katunayake Airport with name boards ' Welcome Mr. T. Sunami - Indonesia..
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Speech by Thomas Friedman of The New York Times...
"When we were young kids growing up in America, we were told to eat our vegetables at dinner and not leave them. Mothers said, 'think of the starving children in India and finish the dinner.' And now I tell my children: 'Finish your maths homework. Think of the children in India who would make you starve, if you don't.'"
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A tourist guide was showing around...
"I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"
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A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, Threat) Analysis.
His answer....
My strength is my wife.
My weakness is my neighbour's wife.
Opportunity comes when my neighbour goes out.
Threat comes when I myself go out
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what cheeky jokes!
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Tips from Grandpa
An old Italian Mafia Don was dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome
plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your
Rolex watch instead."
"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do than? Point to you watch and say TIME'S UP?"
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Top Ten Organized Crime Money Savings Tips
10. When taking a body out to Jersey, use mass transit.
9. Every time you kill a guy, put a nickel in a jar.
8. Tap into nearly endless supply of cheap Mexican hit-men.
7. Make threatening phone calls after 11pm, when rates are lowest.
6. When you whack two or three guys, stuff them in same trunk and carpool it.
5. Inexpensive pinkie ring substitute: Plastic tab-pull from half gallon of orange juice.
4. Fire pricey nickname consultants -- everyone is either "Fat Tony" or "Knuckles."
3. Pasta is very inexpensive and very filling. 2. Forget expensive car bombs--just sneak up behind the guy and yell, "Ker-pow!"
1. Limit yourself to ten "fugeddaboudits" a day.
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scorpio wrote: |
Speech by Thomas Friedman of The New York Times...
"When we were young kids growing up in America, we were told to eat our vegetables at dinner and not leave them. Mothers said, 'think of the starving children in India and finish the dinner.' And now I tell my children: 'Finish your maths homework. Think of the children in India who would make you starve, if you don't.'" |

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Excellent, Scorpio

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Women :
A wife was not at home for a whole night. Next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends, and none of them says that his wife was over night with any of them.
Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. Next morning, he tells his wife that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. The wife calls 10 of his best friends : 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them.
Conclusion :
Men make better friends
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Great conclusion, NOV.
Now let me show you the equation:
Men=liars
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well AR, valluvar has said it is ok to lie....
especially to protect a life. 
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Thanks Tomato and PP Ma'm.. It is closely real and not a joke anyway!
Badri - What's that joke you have posted?? Too much of NOV's influence huh??
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It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
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A chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.
"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened.
Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released.
Then the biologist was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it."
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."
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More from Reader's Digest!
AS A TEST PILOT for Boeing, I participated in the flight-test program of the Air Force's E-3A airplane. It's a modified 707, and a large circular device called a radome mounted on top of the fuselage makes it easy to identify.
On one flight, Boeing radioed me just as I had passed over a golf course. They said they were on the phone with a golfer who worked as an engineer on the E-3A program. He said that one just flew over and it looked as if the radome wasn't turning properly. I told Boeing everything was fine and to tell the man to keep his head down.
Later I got an unusual call in my office. The person identified himself as the engineer I had told to keep his head down. He just wanted me to know that he finally made a hole in one.
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Karen L. Smatlak
WHEN MY CHILDREN were young, I sat through many a YMCA basketball game. But it was not until after they had grown up that I became a referee. After observing my first practice game, my son Doug suggested I be more forceful. "You know, Mom," Doug said, "you don't have to say, `I'm sorry, dear, but you stepped out of bounds."'
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Sally Mielke
IN MY WORK at an electronic company, I send many intercompany communications via electronic mail. One day our e-mail system crashed several times, causing my messages to evaporate from the screen before they could be sent. Frustrated and not sure whether I was doing something wrong, I poked my head into the next office cubicle and asked a co-worker, "Are you having mail problems?" He looked up and said, "Have you been talking to my wife?"
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Donna Rendon
ON THE WAY to our wedding reception, I said tenderly to my brand-new husband, "It's really special the way your mom and dad love each other so much after all their years of marriage. The thing I think is especially thoughtful is that each morning he brings a cup of steaming-hot coffee to her in bed. Is that an inherited quality?"
"You bet it is!" my husband said. "I take after my mother."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Mary Parkinson
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I poked my head into the next office cubicle and asked a co-worker, "Are you having mail problems?" He looked up and said, "Have you been talking to my wife?"
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew
apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone,
not even each other. The groom- to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask
his father for advice.
"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my
marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and
I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as
possible and always wear socks, even to bed."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with
her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is
truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my
fiancee will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed
and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy
eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to
say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had
received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence,
they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find
that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he
frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without
thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
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Q: The socks bit was very funny
------------
TRYING TO SELL ADS for my high-school yearbook, I approached my father, who owned a house-painting business with my two brothers. My father agreed to purchase an ad and said I should ask my brother Jack to write it. "We're too busy now!" Jack protested. "With an ad, we'll just get more work." "Jack," I replied, "Dad said you have to write the ad." The next morning, Jack handed me his copy. It read, "John J. Pitlyk & Sons, Painting Contractors. For easy work, call the sons. If it's hard, call Pop."
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Joan Pitlyk
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1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theatre.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
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entha dictionary-lernthu idhai ellam pudicheenga??
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ANOXFORD dictionary-a??

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Athey thaan NM
ANOXFORD dictionary thaan!
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IT WAS a beautiful Sunday afternoon in Georgia. After an early dinner, I asked my uncle if he would like to go for a walk and look at a few garage sales down the street. He said a walk would be fine, but that he didn't much care for garage sales. I asked why not, and he answered, "Because if they don't want it, I don't want it either!"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Lee Hufstetler
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ADMIRATION- highest degree of ignorance.
- our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
ADOLESCENCE- the age when children ponder why such smart kids should have such stupid parents.
ALIMONY- a fine one has to pay for a mistake of two.
ATTORNEY- a person who can lawfully avoid the law.
AUTOBIOGRAPHY- rare opportunity to tell the truth about your acquaintances.
BALD SPOT- the brightest spot in one's life.
BORE- a person who gives a complete answer to "How are you?".
- a wife who will spend six months nagging her husband to throw out the Christmas tree.
CHESS- a game where a check can result in a mate.
CITY- a population center where the coordinates of a dwelling include height.
DINER- a place where professionals turn good foodstuffs into bad food.
DIPLOMACY- the ability to never say "no"
DIPLOMAT- a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but never her age.
- a man who can answer you in such a way that you forget the question.
DISTANT RELATIVE- a person who's usually not as distant as one would wish.
DRUM- an instrument with only one note.
EGOTIST- a person more interested in himself than me.
ELOQUENCE- the ability to sell a comb to a bald man.
ETIQUETTE- when one yawns with his mouth closed.
EXPERIENCE- that which lets people make new mistakes instead of old.
FANTASY- sexual discontent.
FEMININE LOGIC- belief that the stubbornness of facts can be overcome by even bigger personal stubbornness.
FRIEND- a person who knows you well, but still didn't become your enemy.
GREED- acute form of thrift.
GUESTS- people who give you pleasure twice: when they come and when they leave.
GUILLOTINE- the cutting off of thoughts.
HONESTY- inability to quickly think of alternatives.
HONEYMOON- the rest before a lifelong battle.
HUMANITARIAN AID- money taken from the poor in a rich country, and given to the rich in a poor country.
IDEAL HUSBAND- a deaf-mute deep sea captain.
- a man who doesn't cheat, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink and doesn't exist.
- the husband of an ideal wife.
INVESTORS- fools who stand and look at how their money is wasted.
LAWYER- a person who'll help you get his due.
LAZINESS- something that prevents me from coming up with a definition for this word.
LIAR- a person who can't lie properly.
LOVE- the desire to be loved.
LOVERS- two people, who love themselves with each other's help.
MIXED FEELINGS- when your mother-in-law is falling into a canyon in your brand new car.
PANIC- something that starts with the phrase "Don't panic..."
PARLIAMENT- a place where minutes are saved and hours are wasted
PATIENCE- the ability to enjoy listening to someone telling your favorite joke.
PESSIMIST- a well-informed optimist
POLITICIAN- a man who thinks one thing, says another, does the third, and the result is the fourth.
PRESIDENT- someone elected so that there is someone to blame for president's actions
REALITY- part of imagination that everyone agrees on.
RUSSIA- a very rich country with a very poor people.
SALARY- approximately half the amount of money you're worth.
SCHOOL- a class society.
SLEEPLESSNESS- when you can't fall asleep even at work.
SMART- a person who occasionally says "What a fool am I!"
TIME- simultaneously the cheapest and the most expensive thing a man has.
TV COMMERCIALS- a 2 minute bathroom break.
WIFE- the daughter of the mother-in-law.
WRITING- best mode of conversation: there is no one interrupting you.
YEAR- 365 days consisting of useful sleep and useless wakefullness.
.
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ts wrote: |
AUTOBIOGRAPHY- rare opportunity to tell the truth about your acquaintances.
DIPLOMACY- the ability to never say "no"
FEMININE LOGIC- belief that the stubbornness of facts can be overcome by even bigger personal stubbornness.
FRIEND- a person who knows you well, but still didn't become your enemy.
HONEYMOON- the rest before a lifelong battle.
IDEAL HUSBAND- a deaf-mute deep sea captain.
- a man who doesn't cheat, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink and doesn't exist.
- the husband of an ideal wife.
WIFE- the daughter of the mother-in-law.
. |
TS..love all those above...

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that was really good TS..too many faves to list...

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The Birth Order of Children
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing For Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown – you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change his diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change his diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to his knees.
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance.
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Cindy,
Except the 'Your clothes' and 'Preparing for birth' part, rest are from Dad's point of view, aren't they?? 
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Translations for men
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
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Men writing the rules
If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary
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Quote: |
Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. |
This is my fav!! Or did you guess that already? 
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Translations for women
What they actually mean!!!!
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:* ""You wouldn't understand it even if we tried to explain! So, why bother?"
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "Same as the first one."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "Who asked you to clean house! Now I don't know where to find anything? You didn't throw it away by any chance, did you?."
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Badri, responses to your posts..
no 1) - YES I knew..
no 2) - 
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Anniyan : 5 email forward pannina thappa?
IT guy : Onnum thappu illenga
Anniyan : 5 latcham peru 5 email forward pannina thappa?
IT guy : Thappu maathiri thaanga theriyuthu...
Anniyan : 5 latcham peru 5 latcham thadava 5 email forward pannina thappa?
IT guy : Periya thappu thaanga!
Anniyan : Atha thaanda neenga ellam pannikitu irukkenga? Vetti
pasangala! pOi velaiya parunga da!
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I WAS AWARE that Billy, one of my middle-school students, was expected to attend a presentation on adolescence in another fifth-grade class, but I hadn't been informed of the time. In the middle of his written language lesson, he suddenly looked at the clock, jumped up from his desk and ran from the room without a word of explanation. "What are you doing?" I shouted after him. "I have to go," Billy yelled down the hall. "I'm late for puberty!"
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by John Dahlsten
AFTER ALMOST A WEEK of torrential rain in Northern California, I was swapping stories with co-workers of our experiences with fallen trees and flooded homes and roads. The office administrator mentioned that his mother had called that morning and was unusually upbeat, considering the circumstances. "Honey, you'll be glad to know your dad and I are moving up in the world," she said. "We finally have that beachfront property we always wanted!"
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Suzanne M. Fisher
MY FORMER COLLEAGUE'S teen-age daughter began dating around the same time she got her driver's license. Her mother admitted she didn't know which worried her more. She found out one Saturday night when her daughter returned from a swimming date at her boyfriend's house. The girl had driven to his house, and when she got home she was in tears, ignoring the dogged young man who followed her. "I'm sorry," he said. "I've never done anything like that before, and it'll never happen again." "What did he do?" my friend exclaimed. "Oh, Mom," her daughter wailed, "while I had the car door open, he backed his car down the driveway and demolished my door!" Her mother heaved a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank God," she said.
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Charlotte Guest
AFTER ENDURING MANY TRIPS to the supermarket with my 11-month-old son, I finally discovered that the way to keep him from taking things off the shelves was to place the cart in which he was riding in the exact center of the aisle. As I selected what I needed, my son tried in vain to reach the items on either side. Just then another woman with a small child came down the aisle. Glancing at my frustrated son, she quipped, "Finally! Successful arms control!"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Pamela Berch
AFTER I had purchased movie tickets for my girlfriend and me, she went inside to find seats while I got the popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by John A. Norman
MY HUSBAND is a preacher. At a revival meeting, the visiting choir sang at the beginning and then turned the service over to him. Wanting to compliment them, my husband said, "The singing was so good, we could all leave right now without any preaching."
A parishioner called out, "Amen, brother!"
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Pam Locke
DURING A SKIING TRIP I decided to try the advanced slope. Halfway down, just as I was feeling proud of myself for not falling, I suddenly hit a bump. Skis and poles were left behind as I flew over still another bump, landing at a man's feet. After apologizing, I muttered, "Where did I go wrong?"
Looking at me with a rueful smile, he said, "I think it was when you forgot to put your skis on."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Sonya Mehring
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An attractive Blonde Woman was standing next in line at a checkout, when the man in front of her turned around and gave her a big smile.
"Hello," he said, as he waited for the change.
"Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The woman said in some confusion.
"Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the mother of one of my children," he said apologetically, and picking up his shopping, he left the store.
The woman was astonished. She thought, "How amazing… my first one has the same chin and similar looks… Then she began to worry. She had had an encounter in her youth, and may be… may be it is his child.
He was well built, handsome and about the same height.
On leaving the store, she saw the man getting into his car.
She ran over to him and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the man I met that night at a party in Hampstead,in 1980 could you?
We made love passionately on the stairs in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number."
The man looked utterly outraged and said,
"No! I'm your son's English teacher."
-
Good one ts
FOLLOWING my arm operation, the hospital physical therapist taught me exercises to strengthen it. In one, called "climbing the wall," I faced a wall and "walked" the fingers of both hands up it, trying to reach as far with the injured arm as with the other. I seemed to be "climbing the wall" morning, noon and night. After watching me, the woman in the next bed said, "Excuse me, but what religion do you belong to?"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Ruth Francke
-
These are ACTUAL supervisor quotes taken from employee performance evaluations and I'm sure we all know people they could be applied to........
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere, of an idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together."
12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
-
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an arsehole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'ar***ole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ar***ole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my herapeutic 'ar***ole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ar***ole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ar***ole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ar***ole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an ar***ole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two ar***oles to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Ar***ole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an ar***ole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Ar***ole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ar***ole," and hung up.
Then I called Ar***ole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, ar***ole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your a**e," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, ar***ole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two ar***oles beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.
-
MY PARENTS emigrated from Greece before my birth. Although Dad received his U.S. citizenship while my siblings and I were still young, Mother couldn't take the time to learn English because she had to care for three daughters and four sons. At the age of 57, she finally appeared before a judge in the District Court of Washington, D.C., to receive her citizenship papers. After hearing the presentation, the judge asked my mother why she had not applied earlier. Pointing to her children standing next to her, Mother proudly responded, "Your Honor, I was too busy raising seven Americans."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Anthony C. Serkedakis
-
TS,
Simply loved those appraisal quotes.. 
-
Cows are holy in India!
Paris Hilton is a godess there. 
-
Physics n jokes
1. The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC.
SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.
2. The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'. A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to 'timber(1+x)'
3. One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA.
4. The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason (long logical explanation follows).' In the middle of it, the experimentalist says 'Wait a minute', studies the chart for a second, and says, 'Oops, this is upside down.' He fixes it. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...'.
5. What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?
If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.
If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.
If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves. (credit: Jeremiah Jazdzewski)
6. Why did the chicken cross the road?
Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
7.Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'
-
Alfred Hitchcock - Jokes and anecdotes...
1) "I don't think I can do that naturally," the then young actress Ingrid Bergman once informed Alfred Hitchcock about a particular scene. In what Bergman would later admit was the best acting advice she ever received, Hitchcock suggested, "If you can't do it naturally, then fake it."
2) In Film Flubs: Memorable Movie Mistakes (A Citadel Press Book, 1990), Bill Givens pointed to a minor problem in Alfred Hitchcock's Rear Window. Jimmy Stewart spends his time in a wheelchair with his left leg in a cast but, as Mr. Givens points out: "He must have had some problems with his right leg, too. If you watch very closely during the scene where he argues with Grace Kelly, you'll see a brief moment when the cast switches from the left leg to the right!"
3) Alfred Hitchcock was once stopped at the French border by a suspicious customs official. Eyeing the space where Hitchcock listed his profession as "producer," the official demanded, "And what do you produce?" "Gooseflesh," Hitchcock cooly replied.
4) When the shooting of The Thirty-nine Steps began, Hitchcock amused himself by handcuffing the star, Madeleine Carroll, to her co-star Robert Donat and pretended to lose the key until the end of the day. He was particularly interested in seeing how the unfortunate couple would cope with the inevitable demands of nature.
-
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you", asked Bill. "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig".
-
oh ho i had to read that twice!
'Honey,' said a husband to his wife, 'I invited a friend home for dinner.'
'What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!'
'I know all that.'
'Then why did you invite a friend for supper?'
'Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married.'
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the animal in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"
-
1. Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women
can deliver a baby in one month.
2. Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18
months to deliver a baby.
3. Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman
can deliver nine babies in one month.
4. Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a
baby.
5. Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can
deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6. Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need
a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero
resources.
7. Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether
the child is delivered, they'll just document 9
months.
-
Akaasu, Akaasu!! And considering that I head a Documentation Team,

-
Akash wrote: |
1. Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women
can deliver a baby in one month.
|
Thanks Akash dear! I'll better be careful when I do effort estimation for my next project!!!! 
-
A man goes to the library to return a book. He bangs it on the table and says “What is this book? There are too many characters and no story at all!” The librarian replies, ”So you are the one who took the telephone directory.”
A young engineer was leaving office when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “This is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”
”Certainly,” said the young engineer. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as the paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
-
One Happy Boss tells his employees, you worked very hard this yearso as a reward, I 'll give everyone a check for Rs 5000. If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.
==========================================
Student loan consolidation
-
potta kozhi mutta podum!
-
Funny Bumper Stickers I
4 out of 5 voices in my head say Go For It!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A hundred thousand sperm and you were the fastest?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A real gentleman wouldn't stare at my stickers.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
As a matter of fact, I do own the road.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back off! I'm not that kind of car.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
CAUTION! I can go from 0 to BITCH in 2.5 seconds
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cover me! I'm changing lanes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't assume I'm not into cheap meaningless sex
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't follow me. I'm lost too.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't worry…it's only kinky the first time.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Driver carries no cash. He's married.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heavily medicated for your safety.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm a nice guy. My car is evil.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to work.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm only driving this way to piss you off.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm Out of Estrogen And I Have a Gun
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I brake suddenly for tailgaters
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't care, I don't have to.
-
Funny Bumper Stickers II
I gave up drinking, smoking and sex - Worst 15 minutes of my life
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have a nice body. It's in my trunk.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have good Brakes, Do you have GOOD Insurance?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I is a college student.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I love cats they taste like chicken
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may be a Cruel and Heartless Bitch But I'm damn good at it
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I respect your opinion. Just don't want to hear it!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I Still Miss My "Ex" But My Aim Is Improving
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I Wasn't Born A Bitch Men Like You Make Me That Way
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Men are Idiots and I married their King
------------------------------------------------------------------------
My other car is a broom
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE EARTH IS FULL GO HOME
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why Are You Staring At My Bumper!? You Pervert!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your child may be an honors student, but You're still an idiot.
-
A.R.,

-
Teacher :What happened in 1869?
Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.
Teacher :Ramya and Shilpa!,why are you late for school,today?
Shilpa:Madam,I lost a one rupee coin and was searching for it.
Teachear:Ramya,what about you?
Ramya:Madam,,I was not able to move beacause I was hiding that coin under
my feet.
Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser:Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students
Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student:A holiday
Which is the pan in which we cannot fry something?......
japan
Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!
Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."
Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born.
Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is
my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
Student:(to teacher)Ma'am my pen has run out of ink.
Teacher:Go run after it.
Teacher:Ramu,get up.How can you sleep in my class?
Ramu:I can teacher,if you keep your voice down.
Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God,
are you still in there?'
Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask aquestion in english,answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight."
-
Hi-larious bumper stickers AR!

-
>HOW A SON/DAUGHTER THINKS OF HIS/HER DADDY AT DIFFERENT AGES :
>
> At 4 Years
> My daddy is great.
>
> At 6 Years
> My daddy knows everybody.
>
> At 10 Years
> My daddy is good but is short tempered
>
> At 12 Years
> My daddy was very nice to me when I was young .
>
> At 14 Years
> My daddy is getting fastidious.
>
> At 16 Years
> My daddy is not in line with the current times.
>
> At 18 Years
> My daddy is becoming increasingly cranky.
>
> At 20 Years
> Oh! Its becoming difficult to tolerate daddy. Wonder how
>Mother puts up with him.
>
> At 25 Years
> Daddy is objecting to everything.
>
> At 30 Years
> It's becoming difficult to manage my son. I was so scared of
>my father when I was young.
>
> At 40 Years
> Daddy brought me up with so much discipline. Even I should do
>the same.
>
> At 45 Years
> I am baffled as to how my daddy brought us up.
>
> At 50 Years
> My daddy faced so many hardships to bring us up. I am unable
>to manage a single son.
>
> At 55 Years
> My daddy was so far sighted and planned so many things for us.
>He is one of his kind and unique.
>
> At 60 Years
> My daddy is great.
>
>It takes 56 years to complete the cycle & come back to the 1st stage.
>Realize the true value of your parents.
-
What does your Boss think?
A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away.
But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please". The dog has money in his mouth, as well.
The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn.
They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage.
The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat.
Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.
The butcher, by now, open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.
Well, the dog and the butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step.
Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and again, it throws himself against it.
There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.
He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him,! And swearing at him.
The butcher runs up, and stops the guy.
"What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!"
To which the guy responds:
"You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."
Moral of the story
You may continue to exceed onlookers' expectations but shall always fall short of the bosses' expectations.
-
An Indian, a Pakistani and a Srilankan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they
could be released after having 20 lashes.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my birthday today, and I am allowing
each of you one wish before your whipping.".
The Srilankan was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "I shall have just the lashes and please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Pakistani was next up. After watching the Srilankan in horror he said smugly: "Only 20 for me and please fix two pillows to my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Pakistani was soon led away whimpering loudly
The Indian was the last one up, but before Sheikh could say anything, he said “My Lord, what we have done is a terrible crime. We have been ruthless in Letting the evil in us disobey the holy laws of this land. Hence I want you to lash me 100 times instead of 20”. The Shiekh was surprised and happy to see such a honest person. “So be it” he exclaimed. The Indian said “Please…Tie the Pakistani to my back."
-
Did you hear about the new camera just invented in Canada?
It's so fast it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut.
-
Regular naps prevent old age..especially if you take them while driving.
Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes u a referee.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
Laziness nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
-
kasi_sce wrote: |
Did you hear about the new camera just invented in Canada?
It's so fast it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut. |
poi dhaana?? 
-
nms wrote: |
kasi_sce wrote: | Did you hear about the new camera just invented in Canada?
It's so fast it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut. |
poi dhaana??  |

-
Yes yes poi dhaan
I bought that cam and tried my best to shoot a few girls.. but cudnt 
-
Hi,
Herez my first contribution to this thread......
note: sorry if ne of these jokes were already posted here b4.......
-------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time in opposite directions.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, "PIG!"
The man gets furious and immediately leans out of his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, "WITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next
corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road!
---------------------------------------------------
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do
you think your're stupid, little Johnny?"
Little Johnny says "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there
all by yourself!"
----------------------------------------------------
And herez one I thot of just last night:
Q. If a techie frequented pubs in his free time, what drink wud he most prefer??
A. Tech-ila
-----------------------------------------------------
Hav a nice day.............! 
-
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in hot CHENNAI. He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we're not even moving and he was wondering if a CM convoy is going by!
He notices a constable walking down the highway in between the cars, so he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, Mama, what's the hold-up?"
"Dr J. Jayalithia just found out the verdict against illegal mobilization of Property, and she's all depressed. She's lying down in the middle of the highway and she's threatening to douse herself and SasiKala in Petrol and light themself on fire. They plead innocent and says that they dont have a Rupee. I'm walking around taking up a collection for her."
The man says, "Oh really, how much have you collected so far."
The Constable replies, "So far, 1000 liters."
-
Reasons why I never visit my rich friend
Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and.....
Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Capuccino, Frapuccino,or Coffee?"
Answer: " Tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea,Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Iced tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, or fresh cream?
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat's milk, or cow's milk"
Answer: "With cow's milk please.
Question: " Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll just take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White, brown or yellow sugar?"
Answer: "Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water, tap water or distilled water? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I think I'll just die of thirst
-
ONE NIGHT 4 MBA STUDENTS WERE BOOZING TILL LATE NIGHT AND DIDN'T STUDY FOR THE TEST WHICH WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY. IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE THEMSELVES LOOK AS DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH GREASE AND DIRT. THEY THEN WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD GONE OUT TO A WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND THEY HAD TO PUSH THE CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO
CONDITION TO APPEAR FOR THE TEST.
THEN DEAN WAS A JUST PERSON SO HE SAID THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE RETEST AFTER 3 DAYS.THEY SAID THEY WILL BE READY BY THAT TIME. ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN.THE DEAN SAID THAT THIS WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION TE ST.ALL FOUR WERE REQUIRED TO SIT IN SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR THE TEST.
THEY ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST THREE DAYS. THE TEST CONSISTED OF 2 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF 100 MARKS.
Q .1. WRITE DOWN YOUR NAMES -----( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. WHICH TYRE BURST -------( 98 MARKS ).
-
great last lines!
Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.
The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
God loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.
Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
-
Querida...
Wives VS Husbands !!!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
********************************************
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have torepeat everything to men..
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
*********************************************
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
-
NM, start Music.....
Computer Acronyms
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defective Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software's Only (for)Fools (&) Teenagers
-
Year 1981
=========
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Pope Died.
Year 2005
=========
1. Prince Charles got married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)
3. Pope Died.
*** In Future, if Charles wants to re-marry or Liverpool needs another
crown ..... POOR POPE....!!!!!! ***
-
TEACHER: Why are you late?
L-JOHNY: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
L-JOHNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
TEACHER: Johny, why are you doi*-ng your maths sums on
the
floor?
L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
TEACHER: Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
L-JOHNY: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
L-JOHNY: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell
it!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
L-JOHNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
L-JOHNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered America?
L-JOHNY: George!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
TEACHER: Johny, name one important thing we have today
that we
didn't have
ten years ago.
L-JOHNY: Me!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
TEACHER: Johny, why do you always get so dirty?
L-JOHNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you
are.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
L-JOHNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me To write?
L-JOHNY: Your name on this report card.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting
insects?
L-JOHNY! : Don't bite any.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
TEACHER: Johny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
L-JOHNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Johny. Always say, "I am."
L-JOHNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."
-
Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal they go to sleep. Later, Holmes woke up and nudged his friend. “What do you see in the sky?” “I see millions of stars.” “ What does that tell you?” Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I see that God is powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then said, “You idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.”
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the accountants buy tickets and watch as the engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” they ask. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom. After the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, ”Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. They buy a single ticket. The engineers, however, don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” the accountants ask. “You’ll see,” answers an engineer. On boarding, the accountants cram into a restroom and engineers cram into another. Shortly, one of the engineers goes to other restroom and says, “Ticket, please.”
-
Akash........
Madam.........antha engineer kathaikku nandri! ThEvai padum enakku! 
-
A PATIENT at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write. "Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Deborah A Marcus
IN THE SUPERMARKET, a woman with an overloaded cart headed toward the checkout line. As she passed the magazine stand, a corner of the stand caught a bag of oranges, ripping it open. Fruit spilled onto the floor. The woman picked up the oranges and started off again. A box of sugar tumbled from the cart, followed by a tomato that splattered at her feet. A clerk came to assist her. "You must treat these groceries very well here," the customer said to him with a smile. "They're certainly not eager to leave."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Joseph P Fox
WHILE I WAS WORKING at a delicatessen in Sydney, Australia, a woman overheard my accent and asked if I was American. "Lovely!" she exclaimed when I told her that I was. "I've been looking for one of your lot. My son is living in the States with his American wife, and she sent me a recipe that calls for half-and-half. Could you tell me, luv, half of wot and half of wot?"
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by E. Beerheide
WE KEPT IN TOUCH by telephone with our son Tim, who had married and moved to Tennessee. However, after several expensive phone bills, I sent him a letter explaining that I would start writing more often in order to save money. Three days later I received a collect call from Tim. "Hi, Mom," he said. "I just called to tell you I got your letter."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Cheryl D. Brandt
MY SISTER Susan and her husband, Frank, were entertaining for the first time since the birth of their baby. Everything ran smoothly until one of Frank's buddies arrived with his new girlfriend--a woman Susan did not particularly care for.
Susan beckoned her husband upstairs with the excuse that they had to check on the baby. In the privacy of the nursery, she spoke freely of her disdain for the new guest.
When they went downstairs to rejoin the party, they were greeted with an awkward silence--except for the occasional murmurings of the sleeping baby that came from the infant monitor sitting on the table.
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Jayne Haworth
IN A JURY pool, I watched people trying to persuade the judge to exempt them from serving. One man explained that he had a severe hearing problem and wouldn't be able to follow the proceedings. "You're excused," the judge informed him. "What did you say?" the man asked. The judge repeated himself and motioned to the exit. As the man reached the door, the judge told the clerk, "Juror No. 9 is excused, but he will still be paid for his time." "Thank you, Your Honor!" came a familiar voice from the far end of the courtroom.
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Ann Ripp
WHEN I WAS TRAINING to become an emergency medical technician, the physician in charge stressed the importance of using proper medical terminology. Soon after my graduation, I had to transport a boy with a head wound to the hospital, so I radioed in the description: "Ten-year-old male with ten-centimeter laceration on the left occipital region." The doctor who had instructed me met us in the emergency room. "What happened, son?" he asked the child. "Did you bop your gourd?"
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Arlene Shovald
FRIENDS OF MINE who are in their mid-30s went out to dinner to celebrate their 15th wedding anniversary. As they were enjoying a bottle of champagne, they noticed a similar scene taking place at an adjoining table between a man and a woman who appeared to be in their 70s. Caught up in their gaiety, my friends confided that they had been married just 15 years, and then asked the older couple how long they had been together, expecting to be overwhelmed by the answer. "The truth is," replied the man, "that we are celebrating having met a week ago today."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Paula C Kulhemeier
MY FATHER, a native New Englander, did his best to instill Yankee thrift in his often extravagant daughters. When I was working as a camp counselor, I gleefully wrote a letter home on a piece of tree bark, pointing out that I had not bought stationery but had made do with the materials at hand. Once again, however, my father bested me. Carefully separating a layer of the same tree bark, he penned this reply: "Remember, Jean, you can always get along on half of what you have."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Jean Summerville
AT THE electronics company where I used to work, our sales representative was showing prospective customers around the plant. As he led the group into the test department, a circuit board suddenly flew across the room, thrown by a quick-tempered technician frustrated in his attempts to repair it. The board crashed off a wall and landed right at our visitors' feet. Our sales rep calmly continued his pitch: "As you can see, all our products are fully shock- and vibration-tested before leaving the factory."
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Donald Blauth
WHEN WE MOVED into a small, close-knit community, we were always referred to as "the folks who moved into Tom and Betsy's house." After eight years, I felt that we had finally established our own identity. But then we were transferred out of state and forced to sell our home.
Hearing from one of our old neighbors, I asked how the new owners were doing. I was taken aback when she replied, "Oh, you mean the folks who moved into Tom and Betsy's house?"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Allen Tuider
DURING a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship.
His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, "I've got papers and magazines strewn all over the place -- I don't need any more."
Philip's reply? "Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?"
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Philip O. Simonson
-
Akash wrote: |
Year 1981
=========
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Pope Died.
Year 2005
=========
1. Prince Charles got married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)
3. Pope Died.
*** In Future, if Charles wants to re-marry or Liverpool needs another
crown ..... POOR POPE....!!!!!! *** |
Akash, this is not right, Check Numerology thread for details 
-
A mouse returned from the laboratory to his cage and told a fellow
mouse, "I've finally got Dr. Zooker trained."
"You have?" asked the other.
"Yes, explained the first mouse.
"Now every time I press down a bar, he gives me food."
-
DOS Defective Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
Anoushka love that mouse joke!
***************************************************
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
****************************************************
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
*****************************************************
John: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.
Doctor: You should diet.
John: Really? What color?
****************************************************
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.
*****************************************************
A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.
Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!
Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
*****************************************************
-
True telephone conversations recorded from various Help Desks around the U.K
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have ?
Customer: A white one...
====
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button ?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry .
====
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left ?
====
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you ?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me ! I'm not Bill
Gates damn it !
====
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of
the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
====
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer ?
Customer: No.
====
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am ?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
====
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly ?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening.
====
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer ?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you ?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard ?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work !
====
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
====
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password ?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was ?
Customer: Five stars.
====
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use ?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
====
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears !
====
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you ?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me ?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem ?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4
hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me ?
====
Helpdesk: How may I help you ?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem ?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it ?
====
Customer: I can't open cup holder in my new computer!
Help Desk: Are you sure you have a cup holder in your computer?
Customer: Yes sure every time when I press " Eject" a cup holder goes out, and I used to put my cup on it. Now it didn't go out after I pressed Eject.
Kudos to the entire customer support community...!
-
JOKES from PP Mam!!

-
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk
he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George
asks him what his name is.
"Bob", he replies.
"And what is your question, Bob?"
"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
And third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK,
where were we? Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
And fifth, where is BOB?"
-
Shekhar wrote: |
JOKES from PP Mam!!  |
Shekhar....it's been a loooong time!! Good to 'see' U! 
-
And fifth, where is BOB?"
Oh my and here i was ready to ask six questions
Hi Shekhar! 
-
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a "trainee". On his
first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone:
"Bring to me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and puts down the phone.
-
he he he
this has happened to me but it wasnt the MD who picked up the phone 
-
Hi, NM and Querida,
Yea..Nice to be back in FH with you all!! 
-
We missed your wittiness, shekhar! Pls do go to pg 4 or 5 of Guyana Indians thread.........you and I are mentioned there........
Hv fun reading!!!!!

-
A sardar on an interview for the post of detective was asked a question
Interviewer - Who killed Gandhiji ?
Sardar - Thanks for giving me the job, I will investigate.
-------------
A Sardar was fond of detective novels, he always read from the middle, why ?
Its double interesting. It builds curiosity not only about its end but
also its beginning !
------------
Two Sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other to check whether it is working.
He puts his head out and says - YES..NO..YES..NO..YES..NO
-
A driver was assigned to drive the Pope John to a particular church. After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, fter exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's Stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"
-
How do you get a man on the roof?
Tell him the beers on the house.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A. No mind.
B. No business.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . .
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
-
I didn't know women had this much of brain

-
Oh Shekhar! Welcome back..
'Men' & Brainy women missed you a lot.. 
-
scorpio wrote: |
Oh Shekhar! Welcome back..
'Men' & Brainy women missed you a lot..  |
Yes Shekhar. Many men and a very very very few women that is!!!
(Pun intended...no offense meant whatsoever)
-
Why do men marry women?
What else can they marry...
-
Boys:
1. Drive to the bank, park and go to the Cash Dispenser.
2. Insert card
3. Dial code and desired amount
4. Take the cash, the card and the slip
Girls:
1. Drive to the bank
2. Engine stalled
3. Check make-up in the mirror
4. Apply perfume
5. Manually check haircut
6. Park the car - failure
7. Park the car - failure
8. Park the car - Success
9. Search for the card in the handbag
10. Insert card, rejected by the machine
11. Throw phone card back in handbag,
12. Look for bank card.
13. Insert Card
14. Look for Secret Box (where secret code is written)in Handbag
15. Enter code
16. Study instructions for 2 minutes
17. #Cancel#
18. Re-enter code
19. #Cancel#
20. Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct the code
21. Enter desired amount
22. #Error#
23. Enter bigger amount
24. #Error#
25. Enter maximum amount
26. Cross fingers
27. Take cash
28. Go back to the car
29. Check make up in rear mirror
30. Look for keys in handbag
31. Start car
32. Drive 50 meters
33. STOP
34. Drive back to bank machine
35. Go out of the car
36. Take card and ticket back from machine
37. Go back to the car
38. Throw card on passenger seat
39. Throw slip on the floor
40. Check make up in rear mirror
41. Manually check haircut
42. Go into roundabout - wrong way
43. BRAKE
44. Go into roundabout - right way
45. Drive 5 kilometers
46. Remove hand brake
47. Call boyfriend/husband to tell how miserable she was because of HIM.
-
Akash,
Dharma adi Kelvi pattrekkiyaa? VEndumaa?? 
-
NM replied:
Quote: |
Akash,
Dharma adi Kelvi pattrekkiyaa? VEndumaa??
|
Of course Akash is deserved for Dharma adi for putting
true facts in Jokes thread. 
-
kalnayak.....unggalukkum athu kEtkuthO??

-
scorpio wrote: |
Oh Shekhar! Welcome back..
'Men' & Brainy women missed you a lot..  |
I feel sad. No woman missed me?!!
And that was great Akash!!

-
NM wrote: |
Akash,
Dharma adi Kelvi pattrekkiyaa? VEndumaa??  |
What could i do, if it matches yr routine, Exactly!!

-
Akash wrote: |
NM wrote: | Akash,
Dharma adi Kelvi pattrekkiyaa? VEndumaa??  |
What could i do, if it matches yr routine, Exactly!!
 |

-
This is hilarious:
Finding A Missing Person
Dear Rajiv Gupta
These days, what are you upta ?
I haven't seen you since age three
I used to beat you to a pulp behind that tree
You went to the Little Flower school
Where you played the fool
So you ended up in IIT Cawnpore
Me, in the back waters of Coimbatore
Readers, he is hiding in some univ here
And for a case of beer
Would you track down the poor bugger
And get me his cute sister's phone number ?
-
one more
To All The Alumni Past And Future
To all the alumni of the MIT
(The one in South Bihar, not the fake one in this country
Our famous Muzaffarpur Institute of Technolozhy)
Let us form association, to others I owe apolozhy
Let us remember good old days, they were groovies
Aren't you missing the 'Kuans' and the Shatrughan movies
The time when we actually had a final eggjam
And when philter phags first came to our gram.
So alumni, respond without fail
Both the three of you send me mail.
-
Dollah grew up in Kota Baru, a town located on the East Coast of Malaysia, and then moved away to KL to do his law degree. He decided to return to Kota Baru because he could be a big man and really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.
The first day he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Dollah picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in Kuala Lumpur that I won't settle this case for less than one million ringgit. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to argue that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support! Okay. Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.
This went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Dollah rattled instructions. Finally, Dollah put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied , "I'm from Telecoms, I've come to connect your line."
-

-
NOV wrote: |
The man replied , "I'm from Telecoms, I've come to connect your line." |
Suriyan - Movie... Goundamani style "Arasiyal-la ithellam saatharanamappa...."
-
Old joke but cracks me up every time I read it

-
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across
campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking
along yesterday minding my own business when a
Beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw
the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good
choice; the clothes wouldn't have fit anyway."
Lesson: Don't bother to drop even the most obvious
hint, they can't catch anyway.
(This is a reality! If you don't believe, test them!)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it
needs to be.
Lesson: There is no philosophy to talk abt but
calculations and calculations...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers -Take Three
A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting
one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We
must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never
seen such ineptitude".
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens
keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi John. Say, what's
with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group
of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let
them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
Then the pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will
say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to
contact myophthalmologist buddy and see if there's
anything he can do for them."
The engineer, after much thought said, "Why can't
these guys play at night?"
Lesson: No emotions please, only practicality
works here.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers -Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical
Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons;
Civil Engineers build targets.
Lesson: They build and build and build and build
and... to compliment one another.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers -Take Five
Three engineering students were gathered together
discussing the possible designers of the human
body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look
at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical
connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who
else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a
recreational area?"
Lesson: All of them have their own theories. None
for believing!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers -Take Six
"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't
fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't
have enough features yet."
Lesson: They are complicated and twisted.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Comprehending Engineers -Take Seven
An architect, an artist, and an engineer were
discussing whether it was better to spend time
with a wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,
building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,
because of the passion and mystery he found
there.
The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah,"
replied the engineer.
"If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other
woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Lesson: Gals, NEVER fall for an engineer!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Comprehending Engine! ers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a
frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn
into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his
pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me
and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay
with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled
at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me
back into a beautiful princess I'll stay with you and
do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it
and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've
told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with
you for a week and do anything you want. Why
won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't
have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that's
cool!
Lesson: Once again, gals, NEVER fall for an
engineer!!!!!
Now we know why so many engineers are single.
-
AR.......
unggal other half engineer illeye?? 
-
NM wrote: |
AR....... unggal other half engineer illeye??  |
Yen, NM? Ungaloda best half engineer O? 
-
NM, inthe vilaiyaateke naan varalei!!

-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
NM, inthe vilaiyaateke naan varalei!!  |
Hmm, amaam!! AR Antha vilayatukku vanthu romba naal aachu!!! Enna AR.???

-
AR...
Bad.....

-
, badri!!
-
FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead.
Amen.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I dedicate this prayer to all my male buddies here.
You know who you are!! 
-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead.
Amen.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I dedicate this prayer to all my male buddies here.
You know who you are!!  |
MALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a womman, who just doesn't speak!!!
As usual, short and sweet!!!

-
Quote: |
MALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a womman, who just doesn't speak!!!
As usual, short and sweet!!!
 |

-
*Side effects of alcohol ... and remedies*
**1. Symptom:**** Cold and humid feet.***
**Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).**
**Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward**
**2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.**
**Cause: You're lying on the floor.**
**Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.**
**3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.**
**Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.**
**Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.**
**4. Symptom: The floor is moving.**
**Cause: You're being dragged away.**
**Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.**
**5. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.**
**Cause: You have your glass on your ear.**
**Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!**
**6. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.**
**Cause: You're in an ambulance.**
**Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.**
**7. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
**Cause: You're in the wrong house.**
**Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house
-
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
Out of a catalog.
Three men, an Scot, an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!''
The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!''
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''
-
Deep_Secrets wrote: |
Three men, an Scot, an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!''
The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!''
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!'' |
good 'un DS! 
-
A professor asked his student:
If there is no rain in your place for long time, what you will do to bring rain...??
a) Pray God..?
b) Do scientific research...??
c) Grow more tress...???
Student replied: No sir, I will arrange for Cricket Match.
-
Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses
in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for
blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for
breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible
that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A:
"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q:
"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere."
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the
war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that
time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there
any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate
honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By
death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was
about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a
male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A:
"No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead
people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?" A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And
Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was
sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A:
"I have been since early childhood."
-
Physio was an intelligent man. After doing a physiotherapy course abroad for three years, he returned home and set up a clinic in his hometown. He asked a designer to make a new nameplate to be hung on the wall outside the clinic. The next morning, when he went to his clinic, he was pleased to find that the nameplate was already put up. But he was greatly annoyed by the wordings on the plate: "TUKANG URUT."
He went to the designer and took him to task: "How can you insult my profession? "Tukang Urut" means masseur in Malay. I am a physiotherapist and not a masseur! Make sure you change the name right now! And see that the word is spelt correctly!" Physio said angrily.
The designer apologised and promised to make the changes immediately. Without further delay, he proceeded to change the name but found the word "physiotherapist” too long. So he broke it into three words to make it fit the sign board.
The next morning, Physio hit the roof when he saw the new name. On the name plate were written the words: PHYSIO THE RAPIST.
-
One day in the garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?”, comes the reply from above. “Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.” “Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.” “What’s a ‘man’, Lord?” “This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a harder time. But he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you, he’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.” “Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “Well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But you can have him on one condition.” “What’s that, Lord?” “You’ll have to let him believe that I made him forst.”
-
pavalamani pragasam wrote: |
“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.” |
moral of the story: not only women, but even God is in fear and in awe of the male species! 
-
NOV, out of your whole statement, only with 'this'
I can relate to!!

-
It is not fear or awe, just humouring, you know

-
Teacher :What happened in 1869?
Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.
---------------------------------
Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser:Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students
---------------------------------
Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE
---------------------------------
Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student:A holiday
---------------------------------
Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun. Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!
---------------------------------
Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."
---------------------------------
Teacher:There is a frog, Ship is sinking, potatoes cost Rs 3/kg. Then,what is my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
---------------------------------
Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?'
---------------------------------
Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"En peyer Surya Prakash."
Teacher:"When I ask aquestion in English,answer it in English."
Student:"OK, My name is Sunlight."
-
Letter to Bill Gates from a Banta Singh of Punjab
Dear Mr Gates,
This is Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and
whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column,
only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard.
Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the
password is.
We are unable to enter anything after we click the shut down button.
There is a button 'start' but there is no stop button.
We request you to check this.
We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run' and ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to sit so that we can click that by sitting at one place.
One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
Also there is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife
lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with
this 'find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??
Thanks & Regards,
Banta Singh
Punjab
-
Step 1:
To find the right woman you need Time and Money therefore we can deduce,
Woman = Time x Money
Step 2:
"Time is Money" and hence
Time = Money
Step 3:
Applying this in Step 1 we get,
2
Woman = (Money)
Step 4:
We know that Money is the root of all problems
So,
/---------
Money = \/ Problems
Step 5:
Applying this into Step 3 we get,
( /---------) 2
Woman = ( \/ Problems )
or,
Woman = Problems
-
Conversation of William Knott and Mr Watt....
Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt,
"Is this James Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
"Will Knott."
You Left the talkers at a point where they were
totally confused, read the rest of what happened...
Why not?
Huh? What do you mean why not?
Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
But I told you my name!
Didn't you say you will not?
Not not, Knott, Will Knott!
That's what I mean.
So you know my name.
Of course not!
Good. So now, what is yours?
Watt. Yours?
Your name!
Watt's my name.
How the hell do I know? I am asking you!
Look I have been very patient
and I have told you my name and you have not even told me yours yet.
You have been patient, what about me?
I have told you my name so many times
and it is you who have not told me yours yet.
Of course not!
See, you even know my name!
Of course not!
Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?
Because I don't.
[Pause]
What is your name?
See, you know my name!
Of course not!
Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
To find out your name!
But you already know it!
What?
See, and you know mine!
Of course not!
Exactly!
Now they are at a point where both think the other
knows their name, but they themselves don't know
the other's name...
Listen, listen, wait;
if I asked you what your name is, what will be your answer?
Watt's my name.
No, no, give me only one word.
Watt
Your name!
Right!
[pause before it hits him]
Oh, Wright!
Yeah!
So why didn't you say it before?
I told you so many times!
You never said Wright before
Of course I did.
Ok I won't argue any more.
Do you know my name?
I do not.
Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.
I do not!
Good!
[pause before it hits him]
Oh, Guud!
Good.
No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
No, it's Knott!
Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now
Guud.
Yes Wright.
Now they both think they know each others name as well..
Watt do you think ?? Do they or do they Knott??
-
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy.
Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community.
If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would leave.
The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Ah Peh to represent them.
Ah Peh asked for one condition to be added to the debate.
"To make it more interesting", he said, "neither side would be allowed to talk".
The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came.
Ah Peh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute.
Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Ah Peh looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his finge rs in a circle around his head.
Ah Peh pointed to the ground at where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Peh pull out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good.
The Chinese can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around The Pope asking him what happened?. The Pope said, "first I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions."
"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us.
" He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us."
"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin.
He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for everything.
What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Peh.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Ah Peh, "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here.
I replied to him f**k off and not one of us was leaving."
"Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese.
I showed him that we are staying right here."
"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd. "I don't know", said Ah Peh, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!!"
-
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. the pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
-------------------
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door.
1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
------------------
They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds & yee hawin' !
When asked why the celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months!
"TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
"Oh yeah?" says one redneck. "The box said 2 - 4 YEARS!
--------------------------------
Anytime you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton, and you'll realize thereare lots of people in the world far, far more idiotic than you could possibly be...
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
------------
A frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "Right--a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible!
The chief is appalled, and asks, "My god almighty, what are you doing?"
The New Yorker gives him the finger and says, "So much for your canoe!"
-------------------
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
The hospital staff worker asks:
"Is this her first child?"
"No, you, idiot! This is her husband!"
-------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor. A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the teacher; she's dead."
-------
A Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.
"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."
So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
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I love that new priest one! It's so wrong but still hilarious
"What Engineers really mean:"
A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still clueless.
EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The stupid thing blew up when we threw the switch.
TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.
IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bs!
SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
RUGGED - Too heavy to lift!
LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.
ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.
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God one day decided he ought to check in with Adam to see how things were going. “Adam, how are things going?” Adam replies that he considered himself quite fortunate to be living in such a beautiful world, but he did have a couple of questions to ask, if the Lord didn’t mind, of course. “No problem, ask away,” said the Lord.
“Lord, I was wondering why you made Eve so beautiful?”
“So that you would like her.”
“Oh, yes, I do like her very much. You made her so beautiful, but why is it then that you made her so stupid?”
“Well Adam, I had to make sure she liked you too.”
-
Know the Roles in Heaven S/W
Roles in Heaven :
Brahma Systems Installation
Vishnu Systems Administration & Support
Lakshmi Finance and Accounts consultant
Saraswati Training and Knowledge Management
Shiva DBA (Crash Specialist)
Ganesh Quality Assuarance & Documentation
Narada Data transfer
Yama Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant
Chitragupta IDP & Personal Records
Apsaras Downloadable Viruses
Devas Mainframe Programmers
Surya Solaris Administrator
Rakshasas In house Hackers
Ravan Internet Explorer WWWF
Kumbhakarnan Zombie Process
Lakshman Support Software and Backup
Hanuman Linux/s390
Vaali MS Windows
Sugreeva DOS
Jatayu Firewall
Dronacharya System Programmer
Vishwamitra Sr. Manager Projects
Shakuni Annual appraisal & Promotion
Valmiki Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)
Krishna SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle )
Dharmaraj Yudhishthira ISO Consultant (CMM level 5)
Arjun Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)
Abhimanyu Trainee Programmer
Draupadi Motivation & Team building
Bhima MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM
Dryodhana Microsoft product Written in VB
Karna Contract programmer
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Our communication - Wireless
Our business - Cashless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our religion - Creedless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - Godless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our Follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our commitment - Aimless
Our poor - Voiceless
Our life - Meaningless
Finally, Our existence - Useless????
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Truth never spoken with less correctness

-
What makes us believe that the last leg of Discovery was piloted by a man?
The fact that the flight missed its scheduled landing area and landed in a place that is 3 hours behind in time.
What makes us believe that the last leg of Discovery was piloted by a woman?
The fact that the spacecraft stopped in the middle of the runway, apparently to ask for directions to the terminal, totally forgetting the fact that they don’t have an engine.
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ARatchasi and mdm PP...
AR . .......yours reminds me "Mahakavi Kaalidass" movie...
TS.......here're two gifts for your two jokes on women..

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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He
lowers the balloon further and shouts, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I
would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The man below says, 'Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You
are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude.'
'You must be a programmer,' says the balloonist.
'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' says the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to
make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.'
The man below says, 'You must be a project manager
'I am,' replies the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' says the man, 'you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you
have no idea how to keep,and you expect me to solve your problem.'
-
9 Types of Women/Girlfriends
1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't have."
Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can't you see you're making me miserable?"
Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans
3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps."
Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair color?"
Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on the front lawn. I done it before. It's fun!"
Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.
9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you like a crazed weasel."
Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One
Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited
Disadvantages: Non Existent.
...and the answer to your question... Yes ... they are predictable 
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Visiting a fair recently, Edna saw a fortune teller and slipped off to see her. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Edna stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
-
NM: I am ready with my helmet on
Click here to see included image.
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An example of an IT joke (apologies if posted b4):
Husband : (A software engineer, returning from work) "Evening dear, I'm now logged in "
Wife : Have you brought the ring?
Husband : Bad Command or file name.
Wife : But I had told you in the morn......
Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife : What about my diwali saree??
Husband : Variable not found...
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband : Too many parameters.
Wife : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : A true case of data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : It's by DEFAULT.
Wife : What about your salary??
Husband : File in use.
Wife : Who was tat in the car this morning??
Husband : System is unstable press CTRL + ALT + DEL to reboot.
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Ms. Dreamgirl - Disadvantages: Non Existent.
yes we prefer to reveal our existence only to those who deserve it
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither does any dishes.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
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aiyooh TS!!! enggappa ungalukku ithu ellam kideikuthu?? 
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Deep Mines
Santa and Banta decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Banta gets called in for his interview.
The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had.
The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?
Banta says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet."
The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you're no miner!"
On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in.
The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before?
Santa says, "Oh sure."
The boss asks how deep underground he worked.
Santa says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground."
The boss says, "20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, "What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?"
Santa says, "Oh, I didn't need a light, I worked on the day shift!"
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Promotion Test
The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.
The colonel called the first candidate his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1500, what would you do?"
The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging. "
"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.
The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.
"Sir," said the next Lt., "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . "
"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.
Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, "Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1500!"
"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
-
Psychic Visit
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.
Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?” the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
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Already posted.......... .but still hillarious.
1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife,please sanction me one-week leave.
2.This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."
3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it,please grant me 10 days leave."
5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
6. An incident of a leave letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."
7. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."
9. Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
10. Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."
11. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
12. Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the well."
13.A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.
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Top Ten Things That Men Understand About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
-------------------
Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man was all screwed up after that.
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After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual sarcastic tone replied, "Yeah right
Goony Bird, my a$$! " 
-
An american tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area...big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.
He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but! I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"
"No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy"
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Dont you just love this....
Click here to see included image.
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A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the million pounds. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the £32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-Pound question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Chris Tarrant any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
Time was up. "I need an answer," said Chris.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.
After the usual foot-dragging delay Chris said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million Pounds.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice."
"You're welcome!" the blonde said.
"By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks…
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good one TS...
I miss Chris Tarrant's show.. Regis Philbin (in the US) is horrible... I cant stand him... Chris used to keep the show very lively.. KBC was inspired more from Tarrant than Philbin.. .
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Thiru wrote: |
good one TS...
I miss Chris Tarrant's show.. Regis Philbin (in the US) is horrible... I cant stand him... Chris used to keep the show very lively.. KBC was inspired more from Tarrant than Philbin.. . |
Ofcourse Thiru... original is always better
and Chris has a very unique sense of humour that goes perfect with the show.
-
Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death only she respects him.
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her.
They got married - and now he is going through hell.
It's easy to tell if a man is married or not.. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.
A man received a letter from some kidnappers.
The letter said, "If you don't send us $100,000, we promise you we will not return your wife."
The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't send the money, but I hope you will keep yours."
"What's the matter, you look depressed."
"I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?"
"She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is the last day."
"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?".
"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?"
The husband replied. "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow."
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The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners.
The Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier."
She looked at the men in the room.
"And gentlemen, remember; you're in this together.
So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the teacher.
"I was just wondering," the man asked, "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
-
....specially old women...
An old lady gets pulled over for speeding
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Old Lady: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license, please?
Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Old Lady: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Old Lady: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle. Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Old Lady: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Old Lady: Bet the lying b*s*a*d told you I was speeding, too...
...so youve been warned....
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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
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After having their 11th child, a Bihari couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Bihari said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...
This procedure also works in Punjab, parts of UP, Outer Delhi, Orissa, South Haryana and anywhere in Pakistan.
-
wicked but

-
A Malaysian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a
different hell for each country.
He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a very
long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Malaysian
devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so
many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen.
-
...& didn't that malaysian find a long queue in Indian hell too...

-
Management lessons:
Lesson Number 1:
> A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?
> The crow answered: "Sure, why not." so, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
> Management Learning:
> To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.>
>***********************************************************************
> Lesson Number 2:
> A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
> The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
> Management Learning:
> Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
>***********************************************************************
> Lesson Number 3:
> A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird frozen and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
> Management Learning:
> 1) Not everyone who drops **** on you is your enemy.
> 2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
> 3) And when you're in deep ****, keep your mouth shut!
>***********************************************************************
> Lesson Number 4:
> The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
> Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
> They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So the both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey.
>As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
> Management Learning:
> If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
>***********************************************************************
> Lesson Number 5:
> Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav ( all 3 Indian ministers) were travelling in an autorickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of them died. Yama(Yamraj) was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death. He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN. But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL. Laloo is not at all happy with this decision. He asksYama as to why this discrimination is being made.
> All the three of them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc. Then why the differential treatment?
> He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre conceived notions.
> Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test. PVNR is asked to spell "INDIA" and he does it correctly. Advani is asked to spell "ENGLAND" and he too passes. It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell "CZECHOSLOVAKIA".
> Laloo protests that he doesn't know English. He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent.
> Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three).
> PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He writes it easily and passes. Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes. Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR.....">
> Tough one. He fails again. Laloo is extremely unhappy.
> Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't), he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history. Yama says 'OK', but this would be the last chance and that he would not take any more tests.
> PVNR is asked: "When did India get Independence?". He replied "1947"and passed. Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?". He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 0,000 or> 200,000 or 300,000.
> Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.
> It's Laloo's turn now. Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle.
> Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.
> Management Lesson:
> "IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS JUST NO ESCAPE".
-
...a few more to add to your list PP madam....
Corporate Lesson 6
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on" After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 7
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 8
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The Brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.” The hands said, “We should be Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the arsh0l3 spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the arsh0l3 being the Boss. So the arsh0l3 went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the Feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shite!
Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a Boss - any arsh0l3 will do.
-
Communication Gap
Mr. verma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his
neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to
have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for
sure, we
can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs.Verma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad
Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
" Am I speaking to Mrs.Verma ? "
"Yes...... speaking"
AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"
" Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
" GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I! am following orders.... I have to inform you
are overdue"
"I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ....
he will speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What
business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC,
"it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
-
AT THE END of my first day working at a 24-hour convenience store, a customer walked in and asked, "Is this store open all day, seven days a week, 365 days a year?"
"Yes," I answered, puzzled at the question.
"Well, then," he continued as he walked out, "why are there locks on the doors?"
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Mary K. Boyd
I HAD ALWAYS prided myself on being an "on time" person. One morning I overslept and rushed around getting ready for Sunday school. As I ran out the door, my husband tried to say something. "What?" I called back. "Don't slow me down. I'm late." "No you're not," he responded. "It's Saturday."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Rosetta Cales
A FRIEND was making dolls for her grandchildren. As she was painstakingly finishing a dimpled knee, the phone rang. "Hi, Mom, what are you doing?" came a son's cheery voice.
Removing pins from her mouth, my friend answered, "Making babies."
There was silence at the other end. Then, quietly, "Oh, is Dad home?"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Thelma Gilmore
I WAS OUT HAVING LUNCH with my partner, an infectious-disease specialist, when another physician stopped by the office. He wanted to ask my associate about a tapeworm infection known as Taenia saginata. When the receptionist told him we were out, he said, "Just tell the doctor that I may have a problem with Taenia saginata." When we returned, the receptionist announced to my partner, "A guy came by who said he was a doctor. He said to tell you he was in trouble with some Italian girl."
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Lewis H. Seager
WHILE BROWSING in the electronics section of a large department store, I overheard a young couple interested in purchasing a cordless telephone. The salesclerk showed them a model that had a range of over 100 feet. "That won't do," the young woman said. "I have relatives in Philadelphia."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Byron Henry
AS A FEMALE airline pilot, I was amused one day by a passenger's reaction to me. The man had boarded the aircraft and was adjusting his seat belt when he happened to glance through the open cockpit door. His face paled and he exclaimed to a flight attendant, "Good grief! Is that a woman up there?" After a pause, he said quietly, "Well, I guess it's okay as long as they don't let her touch anything."
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by D.A.B.
I DREAD going to the dentist. Once, to ease my tension, I listed my middle name as "Wimp." The receptionist read it, laughed and assured me that many patients felt the same way.
Half an hour later, the receptionist came into the waiting room. Looking directly at me, she said, smiling, "The doctor will now see the wimp."
Three other people got up with me.
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Patricia Mitchell
A COUPLE I KNOW were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung. Dov was annoyed at Debby's indifference to what he felt was a poor job. "The problem is that I'm a perfectionist and you're not," he finally said to her. "Exactly!" she replied. "That's why you married me and I married you!"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by B N M
I USED TO WORK at an airport's baggage-claim area. One afternoon I unloaded some arriving luggage onto the carousel conveyor belt. A few seconds later the belt jammed when the first suitcase wedged itself at one of the turns. After I yanked the bag free, the conveyor started again, and the only way out was for me to ride the belt up to the carousel. I sat with the suitcase on my lap to make sure it wouldn't cause any more problems. As I slid by on the carousel, a passer-by yelled, "Next time, go first class!"
--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Steve Lewin
MY FRIEND'S preparations for a visit from her children included a trip to the bank. Waiting in line at the teller's window, she lamented to the middle-aged man behind her, "My children are in their 20s, and I'm still giving them money. When does it end?"
"I'm not sure," the man replied while glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand, "but I'm not the one to ask. I'm here to deposit a check my mother gave me."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Cynthia Morehouse
A FELLOW COMPUTER programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He requested my assistance in putting it into operation. At first, he handled most of the work, with me just doing corrections and inputting data. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him." Surprised, I replied that my colleague was far more experienced than I was. "Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get real nervous around smart people."
--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Rosie Blakeslee
TOWARD THE END of my pregnancy, my doctor was called out of town. Right after he left, labor pains started and I headed for the hospital. Things progressed so quickly that I was never told who the attending doctor would be. A stranger in scrub suit, gloves and mask rushed into the room, delivered the baby, and dashed back out.
My husband leaned over me. "Who was that masked man?" he asked in a conspiratorial whisper.
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Lou Anne Buoni
THE HOLIDAY BOWL GAMES were in full swing, and we had invited some other football fans over. One couple brought their active two-year-old son, who began playing with a dish that was filled with antique buttons. After a few near disasters, my husband quietly removed the temptation. The next morning I realized the bowl was gone and went upstairs. "Don, where is the button bowl?" I asked my just-awakening husband. "Gee, I don't know for sure," replied my spouse, who prides himself on knowing the answer to any sports-trivia question. "I think it's in Florida."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Janice E Thompson
AS ACTING CORONER, I came to the hospital one night to check on the victim of a fatal accident. An orderly accompanied me down the dimly lit hall in the basement that led to the morgue. Aware that the pathologist sometimes worked behind a locked door, I knocked three times. At that, the orderly piped up: "If anyone answers, I'm leaving."
--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Francis N. Taylor
WHEN MY HUSBAND and I decided to rent a car and drive to Oregon to visit family, we discovered that many rental agreements come with restrictions. After several calls, I wearily asked a sweet young agent if her company had any restrictions on taking its rental cars out of state. After a bewildered pause, she replied, "Well...you have to bring it back."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Diana Rayburn
DURING A TRIAL at which I was an attorney, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. "Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair, she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. We watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair, and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney, without changing _expression, "we could start with an easier question."
--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Francis N. Taylor
WITH RETIREMENT APPROACHING, my wife and I started searching for a pleasant place to live. Each area seemed to have certain advantages and disadvantages. Then we found Summerland, in Santa Barbara County, and a signpost that read: SUMMERLAND Population 3001 Feet above sea level 208 Established 1870 Total 5079
"Let's settle in a town with a sense of humor," my wife said.
We did!
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by S P Johnston, Jr.
ONE EVENING our family was enjoying a newly discovered delicacy...shark steaks. In our enthusiasm, we cooked more than we could eat. The next day when I took the remaining steaks out of the refrigerator, the label on the foil-wrapped package caught my eye.
In neat handwriting, my husband had clearly identified the shark leftovers: "Jaws II."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Terry Tucker Francis
A WOMAN who works for a doctor usually got her birth-control pills free from the pharmaceutical salesmen who dropped by from time to time. One day, when she was in short supply, a co-worker told her, "Here's the guy you've been looking for."
"Thank goodness," she told the man. "I've been waiting for you. I use ORTHO-NOVUM birth-control pills."
Several moments of silence followed before the man identified himself as the business-machine repairman.
--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by C.B. Hackworth
I HAD PERSUADED a very unwilling friend, who is overweight, to go horseback riding with me. "It's fun and a good way to exercise," I said reassuringly.
At last he lifted himself into the saddle. Gingerly patting his mount's neck, he said, "It's going to be great exercise for us both. I'll be riding and the horse will be weight lifting."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Margaret Keynes
WORKING in a print shop, my co-worker and I sometimes forget how complex the equipment seems to clients. She explained to one woman how to use a copier that could enlarge, reduce, collate, change paper size and adjust the lightness or darkness of copies. "It's really so simple," my colleague concluded. "All you have to do is tell it what you want, and it does it."
The client's anxiety vanished. Leaning close to the machine, she commanded, "Copy both sides, please!"
--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Aleta Sonnenberg
-
Chinese Laundry
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown recently, a retired FBI Agent on
vacation from the Midwest was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants,shops,
signs and banners.
He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese
Laundry." "Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that fit in Chinatown?"
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry.
He could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the
name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with
the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the
name alone had brought many tourists into the shop. The retired Agent selected
a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back home. Behind the counter
was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.
The retired Agent asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name
like"Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?" The old man answered, "Ah, everybody ask me
that. It is name of owner." Looking around, the retired Agent asked, "Is he here
now?"
"He right here," replied the old man. "He is me." Being a Bureau trained
interrogator and well-schooled in advanced interview techniques, the retired Agent
asked, "Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a
name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple," said the old man. "Many years ago when I come to this country, I
was standing in line at documentation center. The man in front of me was
Jewish gentleman from Poland. The lady at counter looked at him and said, 'What
is your name?'"
He answered "Moishe Plotnik."
Then she look at me and say, "What is your name?"
I say, "Sam Ting."
-
Ode to Alcohol
Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell you are I think,
I'm not under what they call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy
Fool so feelish, don't know why
Rally don't know who's me yet
The drunker I stay the longer I get
So just one more to full my cup,
I've all day sober to Sunday up.
-
Q : what is the future tense of marry?
A : divorce
Q :have you heard the latest scandal?
A : no, my wife's out of town.
Q how can you live without your wife?
A : much cheaper
His wife ran away from home - so he ran away, too.
Q : why did he ran away?
A : he was afraid she might change her mind and come back.
She's been married so ofted that the wedding bells sound just like an alarm clock to her.
Q : do you know who the greatest dictator in the world is?
A : yes, I am married to her.
Hear about Mohan being in hospital?
In the hospital? Why, I saw him last night dancing with a lovely teenager.
That's why he's in the hospital. His wife saw him, too.
Some wives leave their husbands and take everything; others take everything, but don't leave.
My wife and I have a partnership. She takes care of and decides on all the small things, and I take care of and decide on all the big things.
Q : how are you going?
A : so far no big things have come up.
I let my wife do all the cooking and mending and washing.
She must be a hard working wife?
You said it.
Don't you ever help her with her work?
Sure. On monday I wash dishes - wednesday night I clean the furniture with her and tonight I'm going to mop the floor with her.
I heard your wife came to you on her knees yesterday.
Yeah - she did. She dared me to come out from under the bed.
-
Title : Version Control
(Humor based on computer terminology.)
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though others users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherinLaw 55.8 and BrotherinLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each p******ing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches ******ociated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Others users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
******* BUG WARNING ******* Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
******* BUG WORK-AROUNDS ******* To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: What Do Women Really Want?
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur, would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.
The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would have perplexed even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, however, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody; the princess, the prostitutes, priests, the wise men, and the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high as the witch was famous for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price; the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified, she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like a sewer and often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and to have to endure such a burden.
Gawain upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question.
What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd been a witch, half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self. And the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would,he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament.
During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments.
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've
made
your
own
choice.
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Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of the story?
The moral is that it doesn't matter if a woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb. Underneath it all, she's still a . . . . . witch!!!
-
And since this is coming from Shevani, who is herself a woman, it must most definitely be true!!!
If she says all women are withces deep down below, foolish indeed is the man who'd object to that!! 
-
- MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
- WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
- AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
- Marriage:
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.
- CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
- DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
- MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because there was a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 4 hrs.
- Spelling lesson:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!
-
This is a collection of true leave letters and applications written by
people in various places of India...
1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.
2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was
performing the tonsuring ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."
3. Another gem from CDAC: Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
4. From H.A.L. Administration dept : "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am the only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since
I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not
return, please grant me half day casual leave"
6. An incident of a leave letter "I am suffering from fever, please
declare one day holiday."
7. A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."
9. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."
10. Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."
11. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is
suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
12. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the
same well."
13. A candidate's job application: "This has reference to your
advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or
Female'... As I am both(!!) for the past several years and I can
handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.
-
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.
"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.
-
Sometime after Robert died, his widow, Sharon, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Robert thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Robert called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Sharon,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in
these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.'
So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Robert is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.'
I arranged Robert a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."
Holding her hand in the air, Sharon said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.
-
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
-
Maar Bhaaga Tha Ek Truck Mujhko
Hosh Phir Dair Tak Nahin Aaya
Dil Jalaane Ko Uspe Likha Tha
Phir Milenge Agar Khuda Laaya...

-
1. I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I'm perfect.
2. I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
3. If I save time, when do I get it back?
4. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
5. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
6. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
7. The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
8. As I said before, I never repeat myself.
9. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
10. I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work.
11. A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from
enjoying it.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
14. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
15. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
16. If your father is a poor man, it is your fate, but, if your
father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
17.I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
18.A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station... What more can I say
19.If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly
are the others here for?
20.Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
21.How come "abbreviated" is such a long word
22.Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.
23.The Best of Proverbs
Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are enough
24.Living on Earth may be expensive...
but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun..
25.Your future depends on your dreams
So go to sleep !
26.ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY
So what, who's in a hurry
27.Whom are you working for?
Same people. My wife and four kids
28.Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting..
29.A drunk was hauled into court.
"Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking."
"Great," the drunk exclaimed. :When do we start?"
-
Noah in 2005
It is the year 2005 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says:
"In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and
all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes.
I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls.
So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.
They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly.
"The government already has "
-
Top Excuses If Found Asleep At Ur Desk!
"Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
"Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
"I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
"It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
"Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"
"I was working smarter-not harder."
"Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"I'm in the management training program."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
"It's okay... I'm still billing the client."
And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:
"...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."
The first student said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The second student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "Tell you what, all the three of us are wrong”.
Obviously confused, the first student asked “What do you mean by that?”
And the old man said: "…I thought it was a fart…"
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Ladies hostel caught Fire. It took 1 hour to bring the fire under control and another 3 hours to bring the firemen under control.
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Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to come in your mind?
Husband: that you are a lesbian.
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Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S ???
Because the people started licking the wrong side!
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Nobody is ever satisfied, Poor men wish they were rich, Rich men wish they were handsome, Bachelors wish they were married & Married men wish they were Dead!
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A divorced Couple were contesting for possession of the child. The mother said: "I gave birth to him - he's mine"
The father said: "I put a coin in the pepsi machine and a can comes out - the pepsi belongs to me! not to the machine !!"
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A girl says to her boyfriend, "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy says 'thanks for the warning'
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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold the light high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just
witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his ass again."
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WOMAN has MAN in it.
SHE has HE in it.
Mrs. has Mr. in it.
LADY has LAD in it.
MISTERESS has MISTER in it.
MADAM has ADAM in it.
HOSTESS has HOST in it.
FEMALE has MALE in it
and so on.... the list is never ending
CONCLUSION: Women are always incomplete without Men
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Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you
find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."
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NOV wrote: |
CONCLUSION: Women are always incomplete without Men |
NOV,
Now that you chose to post this in the jokes section, I can understand the humour you meant! 
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scorpio wrote: |
NOV wrote: |
CONCLUSION: Women are always incomplete without Men |
NOV,
Now that you chose to post this in the jokes section, I can understand the humour you meant!  |
Good one, dear. 
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sometimes, the unpalatable can only go down with some humour. what to do?
-
The Wife had just finished reading the book, "YOU TOO CAN BE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE".
She stormed into the garage and walked directly up to the unsuspecting husband.
Pointing a finger to his face, she said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The husband coolly responded, "The funeral director?"
-

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Read this a long time ago in some tamizh magazine!! Not one of the very best, but still, funny!!
Person 1: Enna pa, payday inikki..mugathla, oru magizhchiye illaye?
Person 2: Ennatha payday...pay-a vaangi thaan pisaasu kitta kudukkapOrenney!!!
All non-tamizh folks, pls forgive. The joke will be lost in translation!
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sbadri99 wrote: |
 |
Male chauvinism at its heights err..rolling down 
-
Red Bank Tape
My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know.
"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather curtly. After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name.
"Danielle," she said.
"And your last name?" I asked.
"Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."
Creepy Castle
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years."
Spelling Difficulties
The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."
Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."
The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."
Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a
pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..."
The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."
Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."
Windows Problem
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change
out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared
and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say........"
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A husband wrote: |
Dear Sweetheart,
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart.
Your husband
Allen |
The Wife wrote: |
Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses
details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!!
Your Sweet Heart |
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NOV wrote: |
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
|
Nicely Edited NOV
Shame that the "punch" line cannot be said here

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Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in
again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team...
...but today the girl who plants the trees in the holes called in sick."
-
Top reasons why ladies today are still single!
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no
money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with
money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat
heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,
somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and
have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy
and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose
interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."
-
Memo from Black Guys to White Guys
When I was born, I was Black,
When I grow up, I remain Black,
When I go in Sun, I remain Black,
When I get scared, I remain Black,
When I am sick, I remain Black,
And when I die, I will still be Black
As for you, white guy
When you were born, you were Pink,
When you grow up, you become White,
When you go in Sun, you become Red,
When you are cold, you turn Blue,
When you are scared, you turn Yellow,
When you get sick, you turn Green,
And when you die, you become Gray
And yet you call me colored?
-
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human "thing" you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
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One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
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good ones! Was not expecting that at all TS and Madam PP
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No." replied the boy.
"I'm the principal's daughter." said the girl.
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!" said the boy with a sigh of relief.
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q. how do you get a {insert race} man on top of a roof?
a. tell him that drinks are on the house!
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A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon in his shop, waiting for the service manager to take a look at his car.
The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this, will work on a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work? "
The doctor leaned over and said : "Try doing it with the engine running."
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This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman, (or at least, one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb, sexy, blonde, supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Sagittarius
Wal-Mart ended up hiring the old man because he was so funny.
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Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because they arrive all wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.
Because they're noisy, make a huge mess, and if you look into their eyes there's nothing there.
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