Topic started by Shakthi (@ bangdp-34-109.mantraonline.com) on Fri Jun 28 08:16:15 .
Laughing is considered almost like an alternative therapy to cure most diseases. Its an answer to most of our health problems. Lets post healthy jokes and share our joy.
Any no of jokes per day is welcome. plz post decent jokes only.
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These are couplets taken from the rhymezone site where there's this competition for writing
the most romantic first line and most unromantic second..here are a few of the entries..
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
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BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Did you miss me while I was away?
BOY : Were you away?
GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night?
BOY : What time was it?
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring?
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number?
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple..
CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour..
PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...
1st MAN : I'm worried about my daughter. She keeps being chased by the doctor.
2nd MAN : Has she tried an apple?
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve?
Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something, It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.
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Come on ppl! Post ur jokes. Lets laugh worries away!
sincerely,
shakthi.
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Old responses
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[Oldposts] From: r (@ pr-1*) on: Sat Aug 7 05:35:57 EDT 2004.
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tt,
"Tere baap ka naukar hooon kya?????"
means
"Am I your father's servant?"
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[Oldposts] From: shakthi (@ 203-*) on: Wed Aug 11 15:46:03 EDT 2004.
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pavazhamani maam,
)
that was hilarious!
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[Oldposts] From: Cindy (@ ppp-*) on: Thu Aug 12 01:52:39 EDT 2004.
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Here are some Surd's
1. Jugnu Singh and an American were walking outside when the American said "Oh, look at the dead bird." Jugnu Singh looked towards the sky and said "Where, where?"
2. Surd#1 : What is the difference between a MOSQUITO and a FLY?
Surd#2 : A FLY can FLY but a MOSQUITO cannot MOSQUITO!
3. Jugnu Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But...what happened to your other ear?" "That fellow called back."
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[Oldposts] From: Cindy (@ ppp-*) on: Thu Aug 12 01:53:23 EDT 2004.
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Contd..
4. There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the funeral are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if it's a marriage baarat. So one of them asks jugnu Singh, "Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach raheho?"...comes the reply, "Haan ji ! Hai hi baat bade khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar BRAIN tumour se mara hai
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[Oldposts] From: Cindy (@ ppp-*) on: Thu Aug 12 01:56:45 EDT 2004.
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Contd..
5. There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the funeral are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if it's a marriage baarat. So one of them asks jugnu Singh, "Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach raheho?"...comes the reply, "Haan ji ! Hai hi baat bade khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar BRAIN tumour se mara hai
Sardarji bought a new car. Next day he is driving his car to office. On the way he was waiting for the Signal. Suddenly he opened the door and got down. Then he went to the Traffic Police and asked him, 'How much should I pay to turn right?'
The Policeman was astonished and asked, 'Why are you asking like this?
Then Sardarji showed him the signboard, which was in the corner of the road - Free Left Turn
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[Oldposts] From: Cindy (@ ppp-*) on: Thu Aug 12 01:58:04 EDT 2004.
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Contd..
6. A passerby watched two sardarjis in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. Tell me,' said the passerby, What on earth are you doing? Well, said the digger, Usually there are three of us. I dig the hole, Balwant plants the tree saplings and Gurpreet fills in the hole. Today Balwant is off ill, but that doesn't mean Gurpreet and I get the day off, does it?
7. Banta Singh rushed back angrily to the grocery shop from where he had purchased a packet of butter a few minutes ago. "Where is my free gift?" he shouted at the shopkeeper. "But Sir, there is no free gift on the purchase of butter." The shopkeeper answered politely. "Don't fool me," replied Banta, "it is clearly written on the packet
of the butter Cholesterol free.
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[Oldposts] From: Cindy (@ ppp-*) on: Thu Aug 12 01:59:39 EDT 2004.
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This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by
people from various parts of World. This is English at its best..!
1. A candidate's application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an
accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years
and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.
2. An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife.
Please sanction me one-week leave.
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[Oldposts] From: Cindy (@ ppp-*) on: Thu Aug 12 02:00:27 EDT 2004.
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3. Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground and I may not return,
please grant me half day casual leave".
4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I
request you to leave me today".
5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his friend's letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school".
6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.
7. A covering note, "I am enclosed herewith...
8. Another leave letter written to Administration dept:
As my Mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please
grant me 10 days leave.
9. Letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at
home I may be granted leave".
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[Oldposts] From: Cindy (@ 61.1*) on: Wed Aug 18 05:20:10 EDT 2004.
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Shakthi: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Vapuchi: Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
Shakthi: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how
long would it take four men to build it?
Vapuchi: No time at all it is already built.
Shakthi: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand
and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
Vapuchi: Very large hands.
Shakthi: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Vapuchi: It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
Shakthi: How can a man go eight days without sleep?
Vapuchi: He sleeps at night.
Shakthi: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
Vapuchi: Wet.
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[Oldposts] From: Cindy (@ 61.1*) on: Wed Aug 18 05:20:55 EDT 2004.
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Shakthi: What looks like half apple?
Vapuchi: The other half.
Shakthi What can you never eat for breakfast ?
Vapuchi: Dinner.
Shakthi: What happened when wheel was invented ?
Vapuchi : It caused a revolution.
Shakthi Why is it easy to weigh a fish ?
Vapuchi : Because it has its own scales.
Shakthi Bay of Bengal is in which state?
Vapuchi : Liquid.
Shakthi: what is the opposite of Nagpanchmi?
Vapuchi: Nag do not punch me.
Shakthi: Now what is the inverse of Nagpanchmi?
Vapuchi: I punched the Nag.
Shakthi: Chintu's mom has three sons. What is the name of the
other two?
Vapuchi: Chin-1 & Chin-3.
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[Oldposts] From: Hyderabadi (@ ) on: Tue Aug 31 02:29:51.
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Sachin Tendulkar and Sourav Ganguly, now pretty old guys, 55 and 58
years old, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about
cricket, like they do every day.
Sachin turns to Sourav and says, "Do you think there's cricket in
heaven?" Ganguly thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But
let's make a
deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's cricket in
heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Sachin passes on.
One day soon afterward, Ganguly is sitting there feeding the pigeons by
himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sourav... Sourav!" Ganguly
responds, "Sachin! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sourav," whispers Sachin's
ghost. Ganguly, still amazed, asks, "So, is there cricket in heaven?"
"Well," says Sachin, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good
news first," says Ganguly. Sachin says, "Well... there is cricket in
heaven." Ganguly says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to
ruin that!?" Sachin sighs and whispers, "You're going to be the opening
batsmen on Friday."
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[Oldposts] From: hyderabadi (@ 203.*) on: Tue Aug 31 06:03:37 EDT 2004.
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Santa was sitting on his porch, when a man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.
"What can I do for you?" Santa politely asked. "You selling something?"
"No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker," the man replied.
"A what?" Santa asked, more confused than ever.
"A Census Taker," he explained. "We're trying to find out how many people are in the India."
"Well, you're wasting your time here," Santa answered finally. "I have no idea."
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[Oldposts] From: hyderabadi (@ 203.*) on: Tue Aug 31 06:06:13 EDT 2004.
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An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking beer. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
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[Oldposts] From: hyderabadi (@ 203.*) on: Tue Aug 31 06:07:34 EDT 2004.
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An angel appears at a priests meeting and tells their leader that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the leader selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the leader, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of the preists whispers, "Say something."
The leader sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
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[Oldposts] From: Hyderabadi (@ 203.*) on: Tue Aug 31 06:22:34 EDT 2004.
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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife. I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that, by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, a faxed letter waited for him:
Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
Your Wife
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[Oldposts] From: hyderabadi (@ 203.*) on: Tue Aug 31 06:33:01 EDT 2004.
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"Doctor, I think my son has gonorrhea," Santa told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's scre**wed is our maid."
"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the doctor soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But, Doctor. I've been scre**wing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor.
"Well," Santa admitted, "I think my wife now has it too."
"Son of a bitch!" the doctor roared. "That means we've all got it!"
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[Oldposts] From: hyderabadi (@ 203.*) on: Tue Aug 31 06:34:09 EDT 2004.
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Banta and Preeto got married and celebrated their first night together doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, but with the lights off.
Morning came, Banta went to the bathroom but found no towel when he emerged from the shower.
He asked Preeto to bring one from the bedroom. When she opened the door, she saw Banta's naked body for the first time. Her eyes went up and down and, about midway, they stopped and stared.
She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
Banta, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
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[Oldposts] From: Shakthi (@ 203-*) on: Tue Sep 7 01:47:20 EDT 2004.
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A store called Husband Mart that sells husbands has just opened. A woman can go there and choose a husband from among many men. The store consists of 6 floors. As you open the door to any floor you can choose a man from that floor or choose to go up to the next floor.
But you cannot go back down to a previous floor, except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to Husband Mart to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" And up she goes again.
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[Oldposts] From: Shakthi (@ 203-*) on: Tue Sep 7 01:47:49 EDT 2004.
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(contd)
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"
And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day!
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[Oldposts] From: gurvinder (@ 61.0*) on: Thu Sep 16 12:05:30 EDT 2004.
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Teacher: "Dharti Gol hai ya Chapti"
student: Sir, Kapti
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[Oldposts] From: Suresh (@ ) on: Tue Oct 5 02:34:32.
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What is oposite to Area?
Ans : Iranguyaa
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[Oldposts] From: Hyderabadi (@ 203.*) on: Wed Oct 6 01:37:22 EDT 2004.
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Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and
wanted to go out and party. He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a
club & pick up some young girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look
after him. A little disappointed, Superman "SMS" Spiderman to see if he
fancied a few beers but Spiderman said he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see
if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on
the bed with her legs open and her eyes closed. Superman thought to
himself, "So exotic, should I or shouldn't I ...wait ...I'm faster than a
speeding bullet! I can be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what
happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies
off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said, "What is going on? Did you
hear anything ...?" Invisible-Man replied, "No! But....... my A**SS hurts
like hell!"
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[quote="HUB Oldposts"]
hey
that was a nice one ...a wicked and funny ... 
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Guess, I can start by posting something in my own thread.
8) . I love freaking out with these icons....ITS WONDERFUL.
And after this I gotta say, its TEST. plz ignore this post
Good luck all, I feel I am amidst a maze of confused threads hanging
everywhere. What happened to POETRY SECTION? To justify the purpose of this thread....heres a joke....
____
*DON'T Marry an AIRTEL woman ,she will touch u tommorow.
*DON'T Marry a HUTCH woman ,whereever u go her network follows u. *DON'T Marry an IDEA woman ,her idea will change u r life.
*DON'T Marry a TATA woman ,she will soon say you "TATA BYE".
*DON'T Marry a BSNL woman ,she had a network all over India.
*SO, its BEST to marry a RELIANCE woman BUY ONE GET ONE FREEEEEEEEEEEEE...
[/quote]
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Ayyo Shakthi, same side goal nyAyamA
Can you tell I am freaking out with these smilies too?!!
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A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis who women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the riches t woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show....
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Banta and his friend, Sandy, were living together. Sandy was more macho and Banta was more feminine.
Banta lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about it.
Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with him and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.
Elated Banta went home and smothered his chest in Vaseline.
When Sandy came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"
Banta explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner.
Finally, his partner said, "Don't you think if that was true that you would have a pony tail coming out of your a**ss by now?"
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The Men Strike Back!
(with apologies to all women!)
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beergut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.Since then, neither God nor
Man has rested.
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well Nov you're very lucky that those jokes were quite funny....i love why do men die before their wives one....hi-larious!
anyways let's hope you all have just as good a humour
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Q: Why did Moses wander the desert for fourty years?
A: He wouldn't ask for directions
my apologies as well

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hahaha Querida... that was really a good one. Still laughing
Specially that last one about Moses

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Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
hahahahaha!
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
At times, even the govt bonds mature faster
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
the ultimate truth-
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Do I need to say more?
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We can laugh too, ladies.
How else do you think we could have survived this long.
p/s: Where is Shekar when you need him. Hope his wife gives him a break soon.....
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@rakshasi
ur avatar does not look like a rakshas. its like some nice cute cartoon budy

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a.ratchasi you are free to point out if i am wrong...but Davie...if you saw how buttercup acts and feels in 'The PowerPuff Girls' you would agree that it is a most approp. avatar....watch it sometime....a.ratchasi i'm just glad your avatar isn't that spoiled brat princess

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Querida wrote: |
a.ratchasi you are free to point out if i am wrong...but Davie...if you saw how buttercup acts and feels in 'The PowerPuff Girls' you would agree that it is a most approp. avatar....watch it sometime....a.ratchasi i'm just glad your avatar isn't that spoiled brat princess  |
Querida, you got it right.
And yes, Bubbles IS annoying!!
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Querida,
Are you referring to my avatar? Didn't realise you have such a strong feeling againts her!
Anyway, sorry to disappoint U. As I told someone, I will keep changing my avatar from time to time......so, what do you want next, Bush or Saddam or OBL?
Anyway, let me see if I can find something that many people will HATE to see ....ha ha ha
Have a great day! I enjoy reading all your postings throughout the hub...
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Querida..........
Do you like Hobbes???
ta ta
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So all of you making fun at men and these guys laughing too!
Don't expect every one to be so tolerant
.We are in the process of ganging up and will come out with the worst of girlie jokes
.Be ready fior the Mars-Venus encounter
.You shouldn't go unpunished. 
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blahblah wrote: |
We are in the process of ganging up... |
I didnt take it as a versus thingy at all....
But then again, since you guys planned to 'gang up' to go against us.....hehehehe, I think we won hands down already!! 
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Allo everyone..
Something I read and don't know if U had too......
Enjoy!
A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.
While on vacation his mother-in-law dies.
An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Melbourne at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US$500.
The man says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance...
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No offense, please!!!!
1) On landing, a West Jet stewardess was heard to say "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you are going to leave
anything behind, please make sure it is something we would like to have."
(2) Also from a West Jet airline : "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover but there are only 4 ways out of this plane, so please pay
attention."
(3) On a lengthy evening Air Canada flight with a somewhat 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said "Ladies and Gentlemen,
we have reached the cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance
of your flight attendants."
(4) " Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."
(5) After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest Airline flight announced
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
(6) From a Southwest Airline flight crew member "Welcome aboard Soutwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the
metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you do not know how to operate it, you probably
should not be out in public un-supervised."
(7) In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with the child. F you are travelling with
more than one small child, please pick your favourite.
(8) The Captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds but
we will try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
(9) Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore and
feel free to take them home with our compliments."
(10) Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or other adults acting like children."
(11) As you exit the plane, please make sure that all your belongings are taken. Anything left behind will be distributed equally
amongst the flight attendants. Please do not leave behind children or spouses."
(12) From the pilot during his welcome message "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
13) Heard from a flight attendant on a WestJet flight just after a very hard landing in Edmonton, Alberta "That was quite a bump and I
know what you are all thinking However I am here to tell you that it was not the airline's fault, neither is it the Captain's fault nor the
flight attendant's fault - it was the asphalt."
(14) During the final approach on an American Airlines flight into Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Texas. Please
remain seated with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
(15) Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."
(16) A Canadian Airline pilot wrote in his journal a few years ago that on one particular flight due to strong crosswinds, he had
unfortunately hammered his ship onto the runway with a very hard greeting. The airline had a policy which required the first officer
on the flight to stand at the exit door while the passengers disembarked, to smile and repeat "Thanks for flying our airline." His
comments indicated that, in the light of the poor landing, he avoided eye contact with the passengers in an attempt to avoid any smart
comments that might result. Finally there was only one little old lady left to exit the plane. Walking slowly up the aisle with a cane,
she approached the First Officer and said "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?". The officer said "Why, no Ma'am. What is it?" She
then asked "Did we land or were we shot down just now?"
(17) After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Once the tyre smoke has cleared and
the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
(18) Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement "We would like to thank you folks for flying with us today. The next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you will think of US Airways."
(19) A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After reaching a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over
the intercom "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight No. 293, a non-stop flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a
smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH MY GOD !!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I had scared
you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee which ended up spilling on my lap. You
should see the front of my pants!" A passenger yelled "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
since you guys planned to 'gang up' to go against us.....hehehehe, I think we won hands down already!!  |
Oh Yeah!!!

-
If Men are like Government Bonds,............
"Women are like IncomeTax returns. !!!! "
So much of real worth of Vital Statistix is Hidden under what is not shown !! "
-
HaHaHa!HoHoHo!Great Hemantji,Come out with more !But some are different, they show off more than what they are worth.
-
Either way, it doesnt stop you guys from seeking us, or does it?
two for the ladies!!
-
NM wrote: |
Querida,
Are you referring to my avatar? Didn't realise you have such a strong feeling againts her! Anyway, sorry to disappoint U. As I told someone, I will keep changing my avatar from time to time......so, what do you want next, Bush or Saddam or OBL? Anyway, let me see if I can find something that many people will HATE to see ....ha ha ha
Have a great day! I enjoy reading all your postings throughout the hub... |
Dear NM if your avatar was bubbles then good..it was ratchasi who misunderstood and said bubbles...i actually meant the villaness named "Princess" the one who thinks she can pay to join the Powerpuff girls...for one u should not care in the least what my preferences are and secondly it's you avatar you do what you want with it...and thirdly yes i love that little kmart blue special stinker Calvin! Variety is good NM so NP (no problem)!
-
blahblah wrote: |
So all of you making fun at men and these guys laughing too! Don't expect every one to be so tolerant .We are in the process of ganging up and will come out with the worst of girlie jokes .Be ready fior the Mars-Venus encounter .You shouldn't go unpunished.  |
Blah blah your dear moderator Nov started this....and i just replied for fun...don't turn this into something embarrassing for all of us...though i have to admit Hemantji's joke was very witty
must you gang up....there is comedy and there is cowardly show of perversity..when selecting jokes i skipped over hurtful and inappropriate ones...you want to battle then dont stain my name as the cause is all i ask 
-
NM wrote: |
Querida..........
Do you like Hobbes???
ta ta |
yep yep love Hobbes as well..but like your need for variety better 
-
NM thank you for sharing those amusing announcements..that they were really made is more hi-larious! Im sure if everyone guys and gurls weren't so riled up to badger each other you surely would have gotten more compliments for your share of jokes!

-
Hi Querida.....
Thanks much for yr input......Me love Calvin n Hobbes....hee hee. Have a great weekend!!
NM
-
Querida,you certainly don't think I was serious,do you?
-I mean 'ganging up' and all the stuff!
-
NM, I didnt know your previous avatar was bubbles.
And yes, Querida is right , I did mistook it!
My humble apologies.
-
Hello Blah Blah,
Indian Incometax Department had come out with a scheme called,
"VOLUNTERY DISCLOSURE SCHEME" some years back.
This term is more appropriate to present day dresses
(I am not complaining).
Hiding real figures sometimes is more dangerous
than showing real figures.

-
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks,
training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to
2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get
the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test
took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be
serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man
for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a
gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.
"Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the
gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes,
then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in
his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her
to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test.
Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door
closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went
on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun
was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the ******* to death with the chair!"
-
A Poisonous Wife
A man goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously answers, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
-
Nov that was a hi-larious! I'll be sure to share it with friends...i've heard of the same variation of the joke with the typical three guys from this and that country and the third being the unpopular one....but seriously where are these men who love their wives so much...did the CIA have to finish them off to keep everything top secret???
Shekhar...hmmm i think the wife was using two kinds of poison one was the bottle kind....the other her tongue....still very funny 
-
Querida Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 10:25 pm Post subject:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NM thank you for sharing those amusing announcements..that they were really made is more hi-larious! Im sure if everyone guys and gurls weren't so riled up to badger each other you surely would have gotten more compliments for your share of jokes!
Dear Querida...
I don't know how I missed yr comments above!
Anyway, glad you found it hilarious...! I enjoyed it myself, too! Have more to come.....
Hv fun reading those..

-
Nov/ Shekhar ........
Thanks for the hilarious moments!!! Ha ha ha
Guys and gals...more fun...
Enjoy!
Two old ladies were having lunch at the Bowling Club.
One turns to the other asking, "Agnes, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full
of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?
Agnes says, " I feel just like a new born baby."
Rather amazed, her friend repeats her statement in the form of a question,
"Really? A new born baby???"
Yup", grins Agnes, "no teeth, no hair and I think I just peed my pants."
-
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is
so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six"
in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,shouts
right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
-
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me
at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
-
NM you deserve a big
i have heard the last two you posted...but the first one pure jokes!
you know the only thing that cheers me up about winter is calvin's tastefulness in the art of making snowmen!

-
NM wrote: |
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is
so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six"
in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,shouts
right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." |
NM that was a good one! I'm sure now he regrets why he ever called her 'Mother of Six' - poor man!
**********
SONU GOPI 
-
Embarassing moment.......
One day I was at the hospital, for a health check-up. There was very long queue and I had been there for a loooong time...more than 1 hour.
My bladder was full - I had drank lots of water earlier!!! In my hurry to empty my bladder, I rushed into a toilet, after glancing at the door (supposedly to check if I was entering the right one..!).
The toilet was empty (Thank God) and I saw something that was strange........the wall to my right had a few taps with running water on the wall (don't know how to describe this!). Anyway, as I was in a hurry, I rush into the toilet and emptied my bladder.
As I opened the door, I saw an Old man coming in !!!! He stared at me, his eyes were wide with shock! And I stared at him back, wondering what he was doing in this toilet!
As I walked out, I realized something was definately amiss, what with the running water on the wall and the Old man in the toilet....so, I turned back and checked the Main toilet door again and saw "GENTS" !!!!
Oh Oh Oh!!!!! Me, in my Salwar Kameez, had actually done my business in a GENTS!!! Oh Dear! Now I know why the stare and the water......ha ha ha! It was embarassing !! Bet that ole' man thought I was one of 'em in-betweens!!! Ha ha ha

-
Sonu Gopi...
Yeah...that was a good one, wasn't it?? One up for the woman...!! That man learnt a good lesson!!!
Querida/ Sonu Gopi...
Glad you're enjoying the jokes...more coming...! Ever heard of Phua Chu Kang's ?? Some crazy friends os mine sent a few to me, I need to dig my old mails to see if I still have 'em!!
Have a great day! [/quote]
-
hmmm NM i think all us ladies have been in that predicament...once i was visting St. Joseph's Cathedral in Montreal...and well the washroom doors were open so the signs were not visible..anyways i followed the woman infront of me and turned back when my sister called my name..i motioned that i was going to the loo and turned back....to see my unknowing guide had gone her way...well i stepped into the bathroom in front of me...and entered the long corridor...to the bathroom...there much to my horror was an old man....uhhhh just finishing up....well all i could say was "Oh My God!"....how appropriate huh? Before running out and blending into a group of ladies headed to the CORRECT loo...!

-
A man walks into a restaurant with an full-grown ostrich
behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich.
"What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the
waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man
reaches into his pocket
and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich
says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with
exact change.
This
becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter
again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have
a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says
the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That
will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his
pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her
curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always
come up with the exact change out of
your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
just put my hand in my
pocket, and the right amount of money would
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk
or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with
long legs who agrees with everything I say!"
-
NM wrote: |
Agnes says, " I feel just like a new born baby."
Rather amazed, her friend repeats her statement in the form of a question,
"Really? A new born baby???"
Yup", grins Agnes, "no teeth, no hair and I think I just peed my pants." |
Oh! my God
this is a hilarious way of heading towards second childhood.... can't stop laughing.
********
SONU GOPI

-
ratchasi...i have heard a less innocent ending to your lamp joke...think 10-inch pianist....

-
heard that one too!

-
This is another........but also a silent reminder that we sometimes overlook what's right there (not there!!) in front of our eyes!!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent !!"
-
Wonder if you all have read this before...still makes me laugh!!
Children's Science Exam Answers
These are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand,
dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity
contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

-
A married couple is driving along a highway doing steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60 mph.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
Never underestimate how a woman thinks.
-
NM wrote: |
This is another........but also a silent reminder that we sometimes overlook what's right there (not there!!) in front of our eyes!!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent !!" |
that was actually voted best joke of the millenium by a international comedy organization based in britain
-
@ NM and NOV thank you for further brightnening up my day with your jokes...!!!
-
NOV,
That was a gooooood one!!!
Querida...
Didn't know that joke received the award!!!!!!

-
Glimpses Of Indian Culture
GOANS
One Goan is Remo Fernandes.
Two Goans is a Feni distillery.
Three Goans is a football club.
Four Goans is an all-night-long beach party.
MALAYALEES
One Malayalee is a narial-pani shop.
Two Malayalees is a boat race.
Three Malayalees is a Gulf job racket.
Four Malayalees is an oil slick.
TAMILIANS
One Tamilian is a fugitive sandalwood smuggler.
Two Tamilians is a suicide-bomb squad.
Three Tamilians is a classical music school.
Four Tamilians is a Jayalalitha fan club.
ANDHRAITES
One Andhraite is a cycle-rickshaw driver.
Two Andhraites is a spice shop.
Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites is the Telugu film industry.
BENGALIS
One Bengali is a rosagulla shop.
Two Bengalis is a black-and-white movie.
Three Bengalis is a Mohun Bagan support group.
Four Bengalis is a Marxist movement.
RAJASTHANIS
One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller.
Two Rajasthanis is a mason.
Three Rajasthanis is a puppet show.
Four Rajasthanis is a folk dance-drama.
MANGALOREANS
One Mangalorean is a supari seller.
Two Mangaloreans can't stand one another.
Three Mangaloreans is an Udupi restaurant.
Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani Sabha.
BOMBAYITES
One Bombayite is a hawker.
Two Bombayites is a film industry.
Three Bombayites is a slum.
Four Bombayites is the rush-hour train crowd.
MAHARASHTRIANS
One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor.
Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi match.
Three Maharashtrians is a Ganpati procession.
Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha.
GUJARATIS
One Gujarati is a share broker in a Mumbai train.
Two Gujaratis is the total chatter in a Mumbai train.
Three Gujaratis is a rummy game in a Mumbai train.
Four Gujaratis is a dandiya-raas session all night long.
KUTCHIES
One Kutchi is a kirana shop.
Two Kutchis is a stationery shop.
Three Kutchis is a saree shop.
Four Kutchis is the entire Bombay retail trade.
SARDARJIS
One Sardarji is a truck-driver.
Two Sardarjis is a roadside dhaba.
Three Sardarjis is a raagi jatha for kirtan.
Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes.
SINDHIS
One Sindhi is a currency racket.
Two Sindhis is a papad factory.
Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop.
Four Sindhis is big show-off parties (yeech!).
BIHARIS
One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis is a caste killing.
Four Biharis is the total literate population of the state.
BHAIYYAS
One Bhaiyya( U.P. Wala) is a milkman.
Two Bhaiyyas is a chanawala (or panipuri wala).
Three Bhaiyyas is a temple-destruction squad.
Four Bhaiyyas is a halwai shop.
(And 12 Bhaiyyas is one SMALL family).
KASHMIRIS
One Kashmiri is a boatman.
Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris is a tourist agency.
Four Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit.
KANNADIGAS
One Kannadiga is a coffee estate.
Two Kannadigas is a Udupi restaurant.
Three Kannadigas is a pepper powder factory.
Four Kannadigas is an anti-Cauvery squad.
PUNJABIS
One Punjabi is chhole-bathure 5 times a week.
Two Punjabis is one bottle of whisky in one night.
Three Punjabis is a public fist-fight.
Four Punjabis is 200 kg of excess weight.
PARSIS
One Parsi is a sentence punctuated with BCs and MCs.
Two Parsis is a doctor and a lawyer.
Three Parsis is a 75-year-old man and his two unmarried sisters.
Four Parsis is half their remaining population.
-
What was funny about that was that i didn't get it...and yet let me glimpse into narrowminded stereotypes...hopefully it's funnier to others...
-
Cindy,
When I read it I tried very hard to understand it...but.....
Anyway, no offense to anyone, but, Querida, if it had ended this way, to sum up for the Indians, guess it would've have been funny...hee hee hee....
.......
One Indian is a HUMAN
Two Indians is a FAMILY
Three Indians is a GOSSIP
Four Indians is WAR
More and more Indians is NANDU in a huge basket!!!
Am keeping my fingers crossed that I don't get that dream of yours (Querida) coming true for saying what I think....
-
ohhhh NM you read that....(sigh) i thought hubbers would think i went off the deep end for good so deleted it
anyways hahaha yeah urs was funny....if you dreamed that i was going to reply that i think you owe me back the tears you made me shed from laughing too much then happy deja-vu to you too

-
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
it's strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. Miss Bea," he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through Darlinghurst Park a few months ago and I found this
little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease.
And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."
-
ayyo chee!
@ Rathchasi....still you got to admit it was funny 
-
Hai Folks,
Its really funny...
Read with proper tone and accent.....
T.R's Poem on Danush / Ishwarya wedding
Yei Aishu
Ungappa Jayava pidicharu Kakka
Nee en payanukku koduthitta Dekka
Dhanusha thallikittu poitta shokka
Nalu nala en payan kedakkan Seeka
Dhanush kaiyalla nee kattikitta Thali
En payan mella nee vacha love poli
Un Vazhkaiyilla inimae dailyum holi
En payan vazhkai mothama galli
Dhanushoda nee pottuta pudhu Quote
En payana nee vittuta jute
Mari poittiyedi route
Ozhigha Dhanush-Ishwarya Kootu
Eppavumae super en simbu
Dhanushukku irukka rendu kombu
Vachikkadha enghakitta vambu
Dhanush munji oru udanja sombu
-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
it's strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. Miss Bea," he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through Darlinghurst Park a few months ago and I found this
little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease.
And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter." |
good one. i enjoyed it. i guess the bea shouldve been innocent/sweet lik u
-
krishnan wrote: |
H,
Yei Aishu
Dhanush munji oru udanja sombu |
lol. no karuvadu
querida just five more and ur there
-
Ratchashi,
good one. 
-
Here is one.
A guy dies, Lets call him bob, and he's waiting in line to get to heaven. A man lets call him Tim, with a big book in his hand, stands @ the gateway that leads into heaven. There are a couple guys in front of bob in line. Tim askes the first guy.
"How many times have you cheated on your wife."
1st guy: 3 times.
Tim hands him a Ford, with flat tires, and bullet holes in the windshield, and says,
"this is what you have to trael around hevean in, for you small sins."
The next guy, Tim askes teh same question.
and the guy says, 5 Times. Tim pulls out a Motor Bike, with flat tires also, and only one brake works and says the same.
Bob goes to Tim and Tim askes the same question. Bob says, Never. Tim looks through his big book, and finds out that BOB isn't lying. So he applauds him and gives him a brand new Porche.
So one-day, bob in driving around heaven in his Porche, and he see's his wife walking.
If you don't get it, its not funny, when its explained.
Regards.
8)
-
Surya wrote: |
So one-day, bob in driving around heaven in his Porche, and he see's his wife walking.
|
With whom? With Tim?
You should be happy you are driving alone. Taking your wife to heaven is the worst thing that could happen to you - make the heaven a hell?
BTW, it is Porsche and not Porche, excuse me please!
-
/////You should be happy you are driving alone. Taking your wife to heaven is the worst thing that could happen to you - make the heaven a hell? ////

-
[quote="Bad Boy"]
Surya wrote: |
So one-day, bob in driving around heaven in his Porche, and he see's his wife walking.
|
With whom? With Tim?
quote]
No walking as in she cheaten on him so many times that she didn't even desearve the bad car or motorcycle.
Told you its not funny when explained.
Later.
8)
-
A woman in her early 90s consults a doctor and wants to be infected with AIDS.
Why do you want to be infected? asked her doctor.
I want to pass the 100. With AIDS you can survive atleast ten years she said
-

-
A German, a French and an African dining in a fine Restaurant.
The African was very fond of chewing the bones and left the potaoes aside.
German: What do your Dogs eat in Africa?
African: Potatoes
-
Surya that was real good! Makes up for your A-row B-row joke
ok i have one...
Ben and Jill had been happily married for 50 years, their secret to a happy marriage was a drawer where whatever they kept in the drawer was not ever seen by the other....well on their 51st anniversary...Ben thought heck it's been so many years it's now or never to see what's in that drawer of hers...so while his wife was out shopping he peeked in the drawer. What he saw was a single egg and $5000.
He thought to himself oh what have i done, i should be ashamed of myself...i will tell her what i did when she comes back.
Later in the day, Ben finally worked up the courage to tell his wife what he did.
-Jill im so sorry but i looked in your secret drawer, can you ever forgive me?
-Ben what you did was wrong but it's ok.
-Well then Jill can you tell me why you keep an egg in your drawer
-Well Ben i promised myself when we got married that if I ever cheated on you i would place an egg in the drawer, to remind me always of my infidelity.
-So in all the years we've been married you have only cheated on me once! Oh i am so lucky to have such a wife as dedicated as you!
-that is so very good of you Ben
-hey just wondering how long did it take you to save up $5000?
-Well Ben that's from all the eggs i sold....

-
Bad Boy wrote: |
A German, a French and an African dining in a fine Restaurant.
The African was very fond of chewing the bones and left the potaoes aside.
German: What do your Dogs eat in Africa?
African: Potatoes |
sorry i dont get it what about the french man?
-
@ Querida's joke.
Yeah I didn't really get the one with the french guy either. 
-
Poor guy that Ben. What is in your drawer Querida
? NIce one.
Querida wrote: |
sorry i dont get it what about the french man? |
this is a kind of rasistic joke. German and French white people, well educated, 1st world ... thinking Africans, 3rd world, no manner, comming from the bush. This afrcan could have been an Indian too. Does not matter where they are from. White think they are superior. The african chews on the bones because it is tasty. I like it too. When my mom cooks she thinks of me always and I get always the bones and our dog the flesh. No, really it is tasty just to chew it, not eat it.
This is compareable with us indians using fingers and europeans use forke or spoon.
-
Funny jokes mamu.

-
illaya.....bboy go back and read the where you posted the joke....i understand the joke and it was good...but i think you forgot to mention what the french guy said in the context of the joke...thats all the punch line was loud and clearly funny
-
Nice Movie lines Ghilli!
The movie was great as well!
I laughed so hard when Prakash Raj says Chellam...i love you da!!!
-
I love you da. Chellam, Va di, yen rasathi, va ma chellam, va ma, VAADI!!!!!
and appo than namma thalaivar vandhu 'all india super skinny Jigidi association Thalaivi' Trisha va kaapathuvaru. Super Scene. 
-
Nice new Avatar Q!
Ghilli was a pretty good movie, I loved the music, and the background score. My fav is when Vijay is trying to get Trisha out of madhurai and they go inside a garden, and Trisha and Vijay fall down and roll down a hill. And Trisha says "please leave, don't risk your life for me. etc.
And vijay says,
I don't just walk away abondoning what i"ve started, etc. and he opens his palm and trisha looks at him. This is my fav scene because the background score goes like this during this second. "Aachu.....Gumchu." which was pretty nice. 
-
///'all india super skinny Jigidi association Thalaivi' Trisha ////

-
Ghilli,
Introduce yourself @ the getting to know you thread.
Reagards. 8)
-
Well.......... I love of limmericks...the following is my all time favourite.
There was a girl from Pratt,
She had three sons..Nat, Pat and Tat.
Breeding was easy but feeding got tough,
Because she couldn't find "Tit For Tat". 
-
Querida,
could it be you belong to our unique, kind and warring coaliton?
Something in me says so but your German disturbs me a bit. There was a viNmIn of old hub tried to fool me with German from the translator. He wrote about my "mater Hund". he spoke of Bettina as my mating dog. "mater" does not exists in German.
-
Hemant Trivedi wrote: |
There was a girl from Pratt,
She had three sons..Nat, Pat and Tat.
Breeding was easy but feeding got tough,
Because she couldn't find "Tit For Tat".  |
Fantastic, ROTFL

-
Bad Boy wrote: |
Querida,
could it be you belong to our unique, kind and warring coaliton?
Something in me says so but your German disturbs me a bit. There was a viNmIn of old hub tried to fool me with German from the translator. He wrote about my "mater Hund". he spoke of Bettina as my mating dog. "mater" does not exists in German. |
I'm sorry Badboy...this is the first time i am active in this hub...before i felt it was over my head...and most of the replies didn't help the topic..anyways...i didn't use a translator...it was just my jumbled memory from what i remembered from classes..nowadays i find myself mixing up my spanish and italian as well...since they are close...especially the accent....translaters are useless...four in french i gives your four, for and oven. Hmmm well it was exactly those kind of posts that steered me away from the earlier hub...that and everyone already seemed so established and know each other too..neways i hope you gave that one an apt reply!
-
I like your style ... I don't know why...must be the hidden blows in there...your humour i suppose make me feel familiar then...very good you are here... I smile while I go through your "pissings"
My Manneken Piss avatar became a victim of the hub moderator... I posted him and Admin a little bit of sight seeing info, if ever they come to Europe that will help them to organize their tour
I also told them I intend to come as the German Panzer... that is for me the same as this threatning sharp pike like knife like weapon.
Anyway, we'll leave these ad-mods beside and talk now about learning languages. If you are learning Italian or Spanish then you almost automatically speak portugese too.
-
actually portguese is quite a different language before it was spanish-influenced...i can see this in SL tamil because a lot of the words we use came from the portuguese but the words now have changed and you can only find the trace in spanish words
like sappathu -shoes
zapatos
almari
almirah
kusini
cucina
and so on..but have not pursued portuguese...now just trying to polish my reading skills in tamil...
well it's nice to know a promient hubber who appreciates dark humour as much as me finds my posting the least bit amusing
-
Querida wrote: |
actually portguese is quite a different language before it was spanish-influenced...i can see this in SL tamil because a lot of the words we use came from the portuguese but the words now have changed and you can only find the trace in spanish words
like sappathu -shoes
zapatos
almari
almirah
kusini
cucina
and so on..but have not pursued portuguese...now just trying to polish my reading skills in tamil...
well it's nice to know a promient hubber who appreciates dark humour as much as me finds my posting the least bit amusing |
Regarding almira:
When I first used this in our English class in Germany, my teacher asked what it means. from that day I only use wardrobe because he proved me wrong by it is not Oxford-English. Then after a week or two he said he has problems to understand my SL-English though, its funny my school mates had no problems to understand my SL-English, even my former English teachers never said they don't understand me. I quit English as a major subject and followed the class led by an real American Mr. Reed. After that I stoped leanring or practising english at all. Now I've got the German pronounciation, who cares.
Paan is a typical word common to ITA, ESP and POR.
Kakkuus, i guess comes from Dutch. In German Kacke means Scheisse(D) haus is house, in Dutch huus(?) and Kack the same. --> Scheisshaus or kack-huus.
Are you from SL? Me yes, Jaffna.
Regarding the humour, I hope you don't feel hard here to dance. I have massive problems with moderators and administrators. They think I attack them with every single letter I type. So I also copied Surya and posted only emoticons, but that did not help either. What to do? Now I also have to take care of a new avatar. Perhaps the inexisting smoking twin towers? Is it already demolished or is it still collapsing? 
-
yeah i had that same problem...but i couldn't pursue french at that age so i stuck to english..that and i stubbornly debate my use of words..like when i used singlet..which maybe used alot by SL english..but still is an english word..my kindergarten teacher said that i was confusing the two languages...but later she said she asked a british friend and found she was wrong...so what german accent...i hate this thing where brit accent is so upheld...and american accent is so annoying...i am still pursuing english...hey i was wondering about that word...thanx
yes u are right about paan...
actually i remember one incident in kindergarten where i asked to borrow a rubber...meaning an eraser...and i was told not say that but eraser...im just glad i did not ask the same thing now...i definitly would have been handed something
hmmm well parents were born in Jaffna....still feels ties to there...but also to Malaysia where i was born...i dont belong fully belong to either...everyone picks that out so easily...one group ohhh i see how you are like the other...so yeah...
Puhleese the twin towers have become a bloody tourist site...not only do they cry over tragedy they make an utter spectacle of it too...oooooh mommmy can we take a pic infront of rubble and unidentified body parts?
-
hi hi hi...seems like i have missed the fun during the weekend!!
It is the darn first week of the month, time for the dreaded REeeeeeeeeeportssss!
And guys, Miss Bea was the first mail that I read at 7:55am that day and my day throughout was great...thanks to the early morning humour!!
Anyways, nice to meet you Ghilli!
-
HER DIARY (19 lines)
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply
smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he
didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.
He seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed.
About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I
decided to confront him with the situation but he had
fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone
else.
Oh, God...why me??
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY (2 lines)
Today Manchester United lost to Arsenal.
DAMN IT. &U^$%%^#$#&^* !!!!!!!!
-
A company, feeling it was time for a shape up, hires a
new CEO. The new CEO is determined to rid the company
of all unproductive workers. On a tour of the
facilities, the CEO notices a young chap leaning on a wall and
relaxing. The room is full of workers who were busy
working, except for this guy. The CEO decides to let his
staff know that he means business! The CEO walks up to
the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a
week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and
replies, "I make $300.00 a week.........Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams,
"Here's two weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come
back!".
Surprised and in fear, the guy immediately leaves.
Feeling pretty good about having fired his first worker,
the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone
want to tell me which department| that worker belonged
to?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers
mutters, "He was the Pizza Delivery guy from Domino's."
-
Nov
both were just fun-tastic...
anything more??
-
Are you sure you want the whole lot in one day Cindy?
Ok, here are some short ones to whet your appetite.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's
funeral, she stepped in to see you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, "Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?"
"Course not," replied the Sheriff. "We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you."
-
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all
have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes
the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front
row, raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake?"
-
Nov and Krishnan thank you for those great jokes...i needed those especially the weather outside is not funny at all...so i have gotten some sunny laughs within this dreary white bleakness

-
Here's one. Some may not like it though.
Its about a guy named Dave.
There once was a surfer named Dave.
One day he found a dead whore on a wave.
She smelled like Sh*t and was missing a Tit, but hey, think about the money he saved.
Sorry if its too *green* guys.
Regards. 
-
WOW!
More people hate it then I thought.
Regards.
8)
-
Green? You mean innocent? I dont think so...if you meant it made one feel green as in throwing up then yeah...just too overboard ya...

-
Querida wrote: |
Green? You mean innocent? I dont think so...if you meant it made one feel green as in throwing up then yeah...just too overboard ya...  |
No, green as in Pachai. But yeah, I thought it might be when I wrote it.
-
I was quiet discusted when I first heard these kind of jokes also, but after a few years in America, I got used to it. I think that its mainly young American guys who find these jokes funny.
Anywayz, just testing the stomach of the Hubbers.
Regards
8)
-
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
>
> hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death
> experience.
>
> Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you
>
> have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."
>
> Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
>
> face-lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. Since she had so much more
>
> time to live, she figured she might as well look nicer.
>
> After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
>
> crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an
>
> ambulance.
>
> Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
>
> another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that
>
> ambulance?"
>
> God replied,
>
> "GirrLLLLLL..., I didn't even recognize you!"
-
Christmas Cookies
Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
1 cup of water lemon juice
1 tsp baking soda 4 large eggs
1 cup of sugar 1 cup nuts
1 tsp salt 2 cups of dried fruit 1 cup of brown sugar
1 bottle Jack Daniel's Whiskey
Sample the Jack Daniel's to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
Jack Daniel's again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one
level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to
make sure the Jack Daniel's is still OK, try another cup ...just in
case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on
the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it
loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Jack Daniel's to check for
tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check
the Jack Daniel's. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add
one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish
the Dack Janiels and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS
-
Q & Rathchachi,
Good ones. 
-
ha ha ha ha ha .....
Ratchasi... that was uproarious!!!!!!
-
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups.
The doctor asked the first woman, "In what position was the baby conceived?"
"He was on top," she replied.
"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top," was the reply.
"You will have a baby girl." said the doctor.
With this, Jeeto, Santa's wife burst into tears.
"What's the matter?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies?"
-
A Sardar is walking along the pavement of a busy road. There is a manhole in the middle of the narrow pavement. Passersby suddenly
notice a girl fallling into the open manhole. People scream in horror to
other passersby. Suddenly in the melee, people find rthe sardar in the same manhole liftting the girl with his arms .With a help of member sof the public both are hauled out and placed on the pavement. Suddenly a passerby notices the Sardar looking frantically in different
directions. The curious passerby asks " Hey Sardar who are you searching for" . Sardar replies" Arre bhai I am looking for the saala who pushed me in to the manhole"

-
News Update of the Hour
======================
* No bombings in Kashmir today
* India wins Cricket match; 120 people die of shock
* Bihar sold to Pakistan; Resulted In an unrelated incident
Literacy soars up to 86% in India
* Self-immolation best bet to reduce population: Dept. of Family
Planning.
* Population Statistics: 42% - Literate, 58% - Politicians
* MF Hussian paints Mulayam Singh Yadav nude
* Flood in Bihar; 2 die of thirst
* India wins Gold in India versus Rest Of India Games
* Poverty to be eradicated in India using Virtual Reality Software
* Laloo to be made National Animal
* Freedom Fighters to be lathi-charged to commomerate 50 years of
Independence.
* Ramar Pillai produces Pottasium Permanganate from Rice, Water, a
stick and some Pottasium Permanganate
* Suit filed holding Rao responsible for Battle of Panipat, 1526
* Ray of hope for India as Ravi Shastri retires
* Doctorate conferred on Jayalalitha for completing 2 months in
Jail

-
great news Davie...hmmm you didn't paint your eyecatching avatar all by yourself now did you? 
-
Two suicide bombers Hassan and Ali on their way to fulfill their mission. Each of them equipped with a backpack and explosive-belt.
Ali, you are so careless man, take care of your backpack. The bomb may explode unexpected.
Hassan, that does not matter. If my backpack explodes then I have still got my explosives-belt.
-
pure jokes @ BBoy!
-
A rabbit hops into a hardware store and approaches the store clerk:
'excuse me sir, do you have any carrots?'
'no we don't now go away'
five minutes later he returns:
'excuse me sir, do you have any carrots?'
'no what did i tell you last time? This is a hardware store no carrots!"
an hour later the rabbit returns again:
'excuse me sir, do you have any carrots?'
'no!!! We sell hardware! Next time you come here im gonna rip you a new airhole with a screwdriver!'
for the next two days nothing
then on the third day the rabbit returns:
'excuse me sir, do you have any screwdrivers?'
'uhhh no we're all out..."
'then sir, do you have any carrots?'

-
Good one Querida
-
I sure got a screw driver! A really big one! LOL@Querida
OVER 16 ONLY
A horny pair enjoying their habbit under a tree.
Suddenly the lady saw a boy watching them making love and screamed " A Boy, a Boy, Goaaad a Boy"
Her lover replied "I'm trying! I'm trying"
(a very old one, i heard it first when I was 10 or 11 and I did not understand it that time about 30 years ago mid 70s)
-
Bad Boy wrote: |
OVER 16 ONLY
|
whoa i wasn't even thought of in the 70s
anyways it's gotten so bad nowadays that age restriction has got to be way lower..que lastima...what a shame 
-
Where Are We?
An Icelander, an Australian, and an Indian are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the plane.
The Icelander sticks his hand out and says "We are in Iceland". The others ask, "How do you know?",
the Icelander says, "because it's so cold".
Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Australia",
the others ask "How do you know?",
he replies "because it's so hot".
Then the Indian sticks his hand out and back in. He says " We are in India", the others ask "How do you know?",
he says " because my watch in gone".

-
Child's Prayer
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW PLAYSTATION...I PRAY FOR A NEW CD PLAYER..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
-
A Few Days Off
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.
"How?" asked the second worker.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.
Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.
"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"
"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.
The second worker was hot on his heels.
"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.
"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."
-
Things We Learned From Indian Movies
*A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
*Cars that crash will invariably burst into flames.
*Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
*If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
*A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
*All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
*When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
*When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
*One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
*Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of an invading alien civilization.
*All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
*Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
*When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
*If you are a hero, you never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by your actions.
*Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
*Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before retirement.
*The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
-
Harry Callahan: Well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the sob. That's my policy. 8)
The Mayor: Intent? How did you establish that?
Harry Callahan: When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher's knife, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross! 
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WOOLGATHERERS (from giant book of insults)
He took his wife instead of the secretary to the dinner
He slammed his wife and kissed the door
He picked up a snake and hit the stick
He poured ketchup on his shoelaces and tied knots in his spaghetti
At her wedding he told her courage how lovely it looked, and threw her bridemaid down the stairs
He dictated to his cigar and got his secretary lit.

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Hey hey hey people,
a joke per day keeps the doctor away but what if there are more than one joke a day? More doctors treating you?
Querida,
ROTFL
My grandma was not deaf but poor! 
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Bad Boy wrote: |
My grandma was not deaf but poor!  |
grandparents spoiling grandchildren is more of a western ideal...my grandma was so strict and stern i was learning etiquette rather than getting gifts...but well i kinda forget... 
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Here's one:
Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.
But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."
"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
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Surya! Im shocked!! Not really
i've heard the first one before...i dont if this is a good thing or a bad thing that you found your joke book

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Because the jokies are 16 or above?
I'll try to post some PG-13 Jokes, if not PG. G rated jokes are too bland. 
-
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look
at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem
Can there be greater than this one?
-
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries
or troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.
-
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me
to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
-
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if
my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied
Sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
Stress Reliever # 5
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
-
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans,"
said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
-
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
-
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
-
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty
face or my beautiful figure? He looked at her from head to toe and
replied: I like your sense of humor.
-
continue.
-
Excellent! hydrabadi!!
In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
-
Guys, pls refrain from posting adult jokes in the thread... Though its only for fun, it would offend some hubbers.. .hope u understand... Thanks
-
Ok Thiru,
Sorry about that. 
-
Wife:
What do you like better? My beautiful face, or my Slim Body?
Husband looks at her up and down, and says:
I like your sense of Humor.
-
Hey Surya I've heard that one before..here from old posts...
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell
you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me
one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie , then looked at his
peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to
a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he
called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then
opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He
sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a
response.
Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586
sheep." "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into
his car. Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my sheep?" "OK, why not." answered
the young man.
"Clearly, you are a IT Consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct,"
says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required."
answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you.
You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never
asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my
dog."
-

-
Q,

-
A young couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. They decided to pull over and park and have some fun.
Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.
"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed at being caught said yes and apologized.
"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."
So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behaviour. After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for.
He responded, "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"
-
A fellow was dating a girl and the first time he went to her parents home she took him into the den where all her father's hunting trophies were displayed. There were deer antlers and bear heads all over the walls.
The fellow said, "Your father must be quite a hunter!"
Then he said, "What are those two round white things on the mantle?"
She said, "Those are daddy's golf balls."
About a week later the fellow was at her house again and he saw 4 round white things on the mantle, and said, "I see your daddy must have shot another golf."
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Surya,
get rid of your avatar!
Don't cause trouble here!
We all know that you have finshed your school so we expect a little bit less stupidity in the future.
What would you do if I picture my greatest weapon between my legs and post it here? Turning red or horny? That won't be tolerated either. I don't want to see your sharp pecker here!
Moderators, Please take care!
-
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
-
Badboy,
It all depends on how you look at it. You always have interesting ways of looking at things.
That is just a picture of the actor Arjun in the Tamil Movie "Giri" I know that you've gone far away from tamil culture, so you wouldn't understand anything. Just stick to yourself and don't bother other people with your perversions.
Regards. 8)
-
@ NOV
-
Surya wrote: |
 |
oh did i offend you Surya? I'm Sorry...i didnt meant to at all...i didnt even know you were in IT...
-
First-year students at Medical School were receiving
their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the
body covered with a white sheet.The professor started
the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor :
The first is that you are not disgusted by anything
involving the human body." For an example, the
professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in
the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in
his mouth."Go ahead and do the same thing," he told
his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger
in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them
calmly and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I
stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index
finger.Now learn to pay attention......
-
A district minister arrived one Sunday morning in a small rural town. The local minister asked the district minister to help with a local problem.
"Everyone here thinks they are just perfect!" said the local minister. "Could you preach a sermon that will bring them back to their senses?
The district minister was a gifted speaker, eloquent with words and knowledgeable about the Scripture. He spoke for nearly an hour, convincing everyone that they too were sinners. Finally, the district minister was sure he had set everyone straight.
To reaffirm that they were all thinking alike, the district minister finally asked, "Is there anyone here who thinks they are perfect?"
Everyone was looking at the floor, thinking quietly. Slowly, one man in the back stood up.
The district minister asked the man, "And why do you stand, sir?"
The man said, "I am not perfect, but I am standing in memory of my wife's first husband who was."
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Calling all math's genius to try this....and prove the logic...
The mum is 21 years older than the child.
In 6 years from now the mum will be 5 times as old as the child.
Question :
Where's the father?
Try first, before you check the answer below!
Solution :
The mum is 21 years older than the child.
M = C + 21
In 6 years from now the mum will be 5 times as old as the child.
M + 6 = (C + 6) x 5
Hence,
C + 21 + 6 = (C + 6) x 5
C + 27 = 5C + 30
3 = 4C
C = -3/4
The child is -3/4 years old, it'll be born in 9 months.
So right now, the father is on top of the mother
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Surya wrote this
Badboy,
It all depends on how you look at it. You always have interesting ways of looking at things.
That is just a picture of the actor Arjun in the Tamil Movie \"Giri\" I know that you\'ve gone far away from tamil culture, so you wouldn\'t understand anything. Just stick to yourself and don\'t bother other people with your perversions.
Regards. 8)
[blue]You must be that much inverted to call my deeds and words as perversions. Is it a new word for you, where do you came across. Let me tell you one thing as I am old enough I don\'t let me advice from a greenhorn who writes \"nice post\", \"I agree\", .... making the use of emoticons inflationary.
Ok, and don\'t make waves with your weapons here. What do you think, if you only can, would happen when I again start to make trouble? It is impossible to ban me. Admods and Moderators have realized that or I made them accept this fact. Get it into your verminized grey cells: I can even get you out of here! The Manneken Piss is a landmark in Belgium but it was removed forcibly and I won\'t hesitate to annoy the hub once again if you remain sticking to your weapons.
So first bother your business in your Gay Area you vermin in the US.[/blue]
I am quite sure the Moderators will understand my point as they are not interested in having too much work.
Now a thought crosses my mind! I have a very nice one. That will explode this Hub! Who was this murdering \'holy\' priest. I saw him wearing a pair of wonderful Bangles arround his wrists. Are they hand cuffs? Why don\'t you collect money and make golden hand cuffs?
-
Terroist BB,
I do make posts such as "I agree" and "Nice Posts" because I agree with them, and don't shoot off my mouth with anyone and everyone in the hub like a rabid dog like some people.
Wow,
Nice threats!
But let me point out that you're not the only person who can sneak inside the hub with proxy servers, and circumvent the IP banning concequence. I can just as easily do that too. It's impossible to ban anyone completly from the HUB. But that's the difference between you and me. I would rather not do something like that. You come to the HUB to create trouble, and use it as a outlet for your homosexual perversions about the San Francisco. I come here to Socialize and interact with fellow hubbers. So keep your threats to yourself you transvestite terrorist in Europe.
-
Querida,
Guys,
Lets not get off the topic here, and continue with the jokes.
Regards. 8)
-
ok. here is one
A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll
in the fields when they came across a cow and a
calf rubbing noses.
"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to
do the same."
"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."
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HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
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NEVER ARGUE WITH OLD MAN
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors; green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and made lovewith a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."
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Akash!!!
Hilarious man!!

-
Hi Querida, Akash, Hydrabadi, Surya, Bad Boy, NOV, Cindy and all others, THANK YOU for all the jokes ....I have really enjoyed reading all of them, even though I hv been silent for a few weks now..... my fingers were itchy today, so, decided to come in and load a few jokes.........
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!!
Here goes...
Joke 1.
A guy (Muthu), wanna to get marry in few days time, so he decided to seek fortune teller's (Josiyakarer) advice.
Josiyakarer: Errmm.., ningel intha pennei kalyanum pannal, oru DHOSAM pogividum.
Muthu:
Hare Wah, athu nalla visuyum than!, Anyway, athu entha
DHOSAM? Naaga dhosam ma? Sevvai dhosam ma?
Josiyakarer: sanDHOSAM!
Muthu: $#%$^%&#!!
Joke 2:
Rajini: Naalu 'T', Oru 'G' vachchu, oru English word sollunga
Kamal: (After thinking for a while!) Therila...neengalae sollunga!
Rajini: Originality. (Oru 'g' naalu 't')
Joke 3:
Question: What is a pressure cooker called in Japanese ?
Answer: "Vegumo Vekkatho"
Joke 4:
What would be the BEST name for the building, that Tamilian and Japanese build together?
Answer : "Nikkumo Nikkadho"
Joke 5:
Question: Vengaya kadai karanga ellam sangam vachcha enna peyar vaippanga?
Answer: Onion Union
Joke 6:
A standard one boy is sitting in the examination hall to write his first Exam. Suddenly he took off his clothes and began to write by only wearing his
underwear.
The teacher puzzled of what he is doing and asked why he is doing like that?.
The boy showed the Question Paper's Instruction "EXPLAIN IN BRIEF".
Joke 7:
James Bond vs Indian Guy.
Once, James Bond and an Indian guy were flying together, seated next to each other.
Indian Guy: "Hello, May I know your name please?"
James Bond: "I am Bond...James Bond."
James Bond: "And you?"
Indian Guy: "I am Sai... Venkata Sai... Siva Venkata Sai... Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.... Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata
Sai...Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai... Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Vvenkata Sai
..Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai."
James Bond collapses.
Joke 8:
A giant panda enters a restaurant and orders food. After eating, the panda takes a gun from its bag and starts shooting all over the place.
The stunned manager stops the leaving panda and asks it why it had to do such a thing. The panda says, "I am panda! I am supposed to do this! " and
leaves.
The confused manager finds a dictionaryand scrambles for the page and looks up at the entry for panda.
It says, " Panda: A tree-dwelling asian mammal with white markings on the body. Eats shoots and leaves "
-
How obout this joke:
a family of tomatoes are walking down the street. the baby tomato trips and falls down so the biggest tomatoe stomps on him and saeys ketchup!
Its from pulp Fiction 
-
Good jokes.
Looks like the oru"g"naalu"t" has gotten quite popular. 
-
NEW EMPLOYEE
A man joined a big multinational Company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee,quickly!" .....
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee and hung up the phone.
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God 'Grand' Father - Y does Italians need Guns??
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, so he calls his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
"You liste to me. Some day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini. Am I right?"
"Yes grandpa, I guess so."
"Ok, so soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whada you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say, TIMES UP!"
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oooh thanx y'all for making my happy holidaze hilarious! Akash pure jokes....no more sonic
love that trainee one! NM glad you're back! Thank for the laffs..and Hyderabadi again what to say but come more often! And Surya..did you turn the other cheek? So no
anymore good
sooo that means more IT jokes just kidding...maybe

-
Akash that is a funny one

-
Querida, I was just checking the Avatars.. I always have our Favourite Sonic!! you know, i tried hard to get that Gif
Then Surya, NM, Querida, Rajini4ever and all... its nice to hear you guys like these Instant Jokes... Here comes one more!!
Never Insult Anyone
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LAwhen the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of ese are you?"Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, nowirritated, Then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you aChinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???
"The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked, Whatkind of 'key' was he.The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of'-key' am I?!
"The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
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Akash...
That made me laugh out loud!!
That joke always make me do that!!! Ever heard of the other one about the dating style of guys from different countries??
I'll see if I still have it stored somewhere in my inbox....
Hey Akash, Querida & Badboy and all, why don't you visit the Thodar kathai thread and let your imagination run wild???
It's fun!
OK- see you all next week....wil be busy this weekend, trying to come up with a super thodar for Surya's ending.....
Hv a great weekend!
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Surya sweet butt take care of your meal. I think your vegetarian food causes you a lot of gasing problems. You have been farting like as if someone has opened the valve. What a gay dancing at the Bay Area!
Asurya PichchaikAri, I was talking of pacific avatars. If you don't mind becomming a new bie then let me only know, you can then continue with the emoticon postings to become a senior hubber. Even Admins know that I am serious about hacking into the Hub at any time. I mean no one will ever trace where it comes from but it will definitely not from Germany. But it will come.
BTW, let me update your mud in side your dump up above your shoulders!
It was me who uncovered the annonymized surfers first and offered the hubbers how to do it in the old forum. At that time you were licking your rasist friend 'Star'. I also made it public how to do it.There after only you came with your university loverboy Madhavan, do You remember that Gay from Bay. Now I am even able to hack into the Hub. What do you say now? So be cautious and don't even think of your RSS-Bootlickers when you participate here!
This is the final warning. I hope the Administrator or Moderator warn you too.
-
NM wrote: |
Akash...
That made me laugh out loud!! That joke always make me do that!!! Ever heard of the other one about the dating style of guys from different countries??
I'll see if I still have it stored somewhere in my inbox....
|
NM, i remember the title, but forgot it in whole!! check it out if you have it!!
SEX Education
Santa's mother-in-law, who was living with them, greeted Santa's son, Pappu.
"What did you learn today?" she asked.
"Sex education. All about AIDS, Teenage Pregnancy and intercourse n stuff," he replied, matter-of-factly.
The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to Jeeto.
Jeeto replied, "Mom, don't worry. These days, it's all part of the curriculum."
A few hours later, dinner was announced. The grandmother went to fetch her grandson in his bedroom. She opened the bedroom door and noticed him on his bed, vigorously "HELPing himself with his HAND".
"Pappu," she said, "when you're finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat."
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Terroist Transvestite in Europe, Bad Boy,
You just keep proving my point idiot!
You come here to create trouble. And do you think I care, if my status goes back to being a newbie hubber? Let's see if its possible by YOU. I'm not going to fall for blabberings some drunk transvestite nazi wannabe.
And who the hell is Madhavan?
Schizophrenia is curable. Just talk to a Shrink. I just hope that you don't drive him crazy
Almost everyone in this forum knows that I'm a RSS/Bajrang Dal/VHP supporter. There has not been a need for me to express my Ideas in that area yet, but if there is, I will not hesitate to post my opinions just because a depressed Sitzo, barking like a rabid dog in Europe, doesn't want me to.
Final Warning???? This is starting to become a joke!!
You've been saying that in almost all of your postings lately. You're just all talk.
Querida,
Come one, hit us with the IT jokes. 
-
Marriage FUN
It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE vs ARRANGED.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better than beingmurdered.
Equation:
7 Glances = 1 Smile
7 Smiles = 1 Meeting
7 Meetings = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposals = 1 Marriage
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 7777777777777 Problems,
So beware of a glance!
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tensionand panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant and
Panic is when BOTH are pregnant.
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Oh Akash you are too too much! That was hilarious!!!! I know exactly what you mean that is why i go out of my way to say arranged marriage and independent marriage...because whichever is the cause for marriage there should be love in a marriage...
-
what you said is Perfect , Querida!!
hope i am not confusing....
If we just being mature and think "Love marriage is the one that's best, It involves our own emotion & Decisions and that involves only LOVE" and where as "Arranged marriage is the one thats a short of compulsion that keeps the both together, that's y we stay together with lots of adjustment and commitments"
But after all, in both we r aiming the same!! Love, Commitment, Independence!! So, no matter how we start, its all about how we proceed.
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here's one guys-----
judge asked the boy "would u want to live with your mother?!!"
boy," oh! no, mother beats me".
judge asked again" would u want to live with your father?!!"
boy said " oh! no, father beats me too".
judge asked confused " then with whom you want to live?!!"
boy said sincerellly." with the Indian Cricket Team, they dont beat any one!!"...................
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Matter of Solving Problems
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb up a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing?"
He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you."
-
Dude! Seriously, where do you come up with this? 
-
Report submitted by Banta Singh to his manager after completing his Y2K
verification task.
Dear Sir,
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on
budget. We have gone through every line of code
in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic
archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K"
date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk,
August, September, October, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of
this Y to K problem has made any sense to
me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year
2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to
do next year when the two digit year rolls
over from 99 to 00?
We'll await your direction."
Very Sincerely
Banta Singh
Y2K Project Leader
-
Little Johnny had been waiting in a long line to sit on the department store Santa's lap when he finally gets his turn at it and climbs up.
Santa say to little Johnny, touching the little boy on the nose with his finger, "I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."
Johnny shakes his head, "No."
Santa touches the little Johnny's nose with his finger again, "Well, then I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas."
Johnny again shakes his head, "No...."
The department store Santa then asked, "Well then, what would you like for Christmas, little boy?"
Johnny replies with a big grin, "I want some puss****y!!!"
Santa, startled and almost speechless, stutters, "Well, I don't have any of of that!?!?"
Little Johnny, touching Saint Nick on nose, answers back smiling, "Yes you do, because I can smell it on your finger!"
-
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's ***** is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."
-
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher, and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one - holding onto their "tools" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."
"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."
-
Surya wrote: |
Dude! Seriously, where do you come up with this?  |
Hey, these are all from my mail client's folder named - "Goodies"....
!! I missed many Fw: mails, when i moved to new job... Surya, it happend only in IT 
-
Do you know yr BOSS??
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''
-
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they
got back the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic... " Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon
as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language.
Things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter
words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!
"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could
be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed-they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell
your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust,
Wash, Iron, Cook....
-
Joke............have fun!
Ah Huay went for a job interview (Secretary job).
When the Manager saw Ah Huay with her colorful attire and colored hair, he told himself " NOT THIS WOMAN"!! Nevertheless, he still need to entertain this woman....!
So he decided to give her a Quiz..
Manager : If you could make a sentence using all these words I give you, you'll get the job..
Ah Huay : Yes, SIR!
Manager : The words are Green, pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black.
After a minute of silence, Manager was about to open his mouth when Ah Huay said :
"I hear the phone GREEN, GREEN, GREEN, then I went to "PINK" up the phone and said "YELLOW, BLUE'S that?" WHITE did you say?....Aiyaaah.... wrong number-mah...., next time don't PURPLY di'turb people and don't call BLACK, Okay?
The Manager fainted!!!!

-
Good Ones guys!!
-
Reasons To Drink
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in
the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be
shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this
beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it
is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
-
NOV
I would really appreciate changing the title of Sardar Jokes thread. I would be amazed to find one shred of evidence to show that it is non-racist.
-
hehehewalrus wrote: |
NOV
I would really appreciate changing the title of Sardar Jokes thread. I would be amazed to find one shred of evidence to show that it is non-racist. |
You are absolutely right hhw.
Pls suggest a new name.
-
I support Walrus.. is it possible to merge Sardar jokes into this one??
-
NM wrote: |
I support Walrus.. is it possible to merge Sardar jokes into this one?? |
The thread has been renamed as Indian Jokes. Thanks for all your views.
-
Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It's very kind of you, darling. But I dont have any worries or
troubles.
Girl : Well, that because we arent married yet.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?
Husband : Golfing with friends, my dear.
Wife : What? At 2 am?!!
Husband : Yes, we used night clubs.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?".
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly: "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Father to son after exam : "Let me see your report card"
Son : "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the rommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! Thats very expensive car. What's so bad about that?".
"He is the original owner."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher asked her class for sentences using word "beans"
"My father grow beans, " said one student.
"My father cook beans, "said another.
Then Ah Beng's youngest son spoke up "We are all human
beans"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Interviewer to Millionaire : To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire : I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer : Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?
Millionaire : A Billionaire...
-
NOV : Thanks....
for the rename..
NOV : for the jokes......
Where have all the ladies gone to????? Querida? Ratchasi?? Come on...we need to give some for the boys.....

-
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .............
"HEBREWS"

-
Gonna be a Bear
In this life Im a woman.
In my next life, Id like to come back as a bear.
When youre a bear, you hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that!
Before you hibernate, youre supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that too.
When youre a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while youre sleeping and wake up up to partially grown cute, cuddly cubs.
I could certainly deal with that!!
If youre a Mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who and bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that too!!!!!!!!!
If youre a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and EXCESS body fat!!!
Yup, Gonna be a bear!

-
Banta is a bit embarrassed and says "Look doctor, what about the rash?"
"Oh that's easy," said the Doc, "Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, may I ask....."
"No," said Banta, "You can't. Now, is that all Doc?"
"Well, " said the Doctor, "You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!"
Banta goes home and tells Preeto that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.
"What?" she yells, "Clean underpants every day, and me with 11 kids to chase after! Eleven kids to wash, feed, cloth, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!"
"Ah" he said, "And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."
-
Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for hundred bucks I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For 300 bucks I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for 5000 bucks I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled 500 rupee note and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious," she replies. "I want it five times in the rocking chair!"
-
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
-
Hydera-BAD-i,
Please open a dirty jokes thread so that people can avoid it,or try and find out some other place where you can shell out such stories in privacy.Such a place may be closer than you think. 
-
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson,
died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world,
your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.
" Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room,
and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented Harley motorcycles, eh?!" Arthur said, "Ya, that's me..."
God commented, "Well, whats the big deal about inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road!"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???" God said, "Ah, yes." Well said Arthur,
"professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
-
Joey decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Joey was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.
Hours later, when everyone but Joey had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.
Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Joey, are you there? It's the Red Cross."
Bristling, the harried Joey called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
-
Pamela, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Tony, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She commented to Tony and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.
Tony, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Tony quietly parked his pickup in front of Pamela's house..........and he left it there all night!
-
Banta was not home at his usual hour, and his wife, Preeto, was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was Banta, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.
He answered, "Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
Banta's answer was, "A round of drinks!"
-
Santa came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Jeeto, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.
"No !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Jeeto snapped.
-
A tour bus takes off with a full load of senior citizens. Soon after, a little old lady taps the bus driver on the shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds.
She repeats this gesture many times.
The driver finally has to ask the old lady why she and her elderly friends don't eat the almonds themselves, where upon she replies that it's not possible because of their false teeth.
" We're not able to chew them. "
"Why do you buy them then ? " the driver asks, feeling puzzled, where upon the old lady answers: " Oh, we just love the chocolate around them!"
-
Nov,
good one
-
Life isn't fair to men
When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
The average man's life consists of:
twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going;
forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind: you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head And kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
-
10 Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. However, the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats her husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Bonus Commandment story
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "Wow! This stuff really works!"
-
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.
-
More facts about about men...
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
***********************************************
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
***********************************************
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
***********************************************
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says...."
***********************************************
-
AR, very good bathiladi.
There are too many jokes on women; you should post more man-bashing jokes. But please dont take our jokes and change the women to men. 


-
wow wow wow.... good ones Nov and Ratchasi-....Nov, but you admit that they sound real only when she changed she to he... right...

-
NOV, please accept it gracefully.
Just for the record, I posted the facts
as it was!!

-
Sabaash sariyaana poatti!!!

-
Querida wrote: |
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. |
The answer can be like this too..
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... men can screw anything 
-
Q: What do men and beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.
Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy
-
ha ha ha
-
Hi
i heard this joke in Pongal pattimandram program in Jaya TV.
// begin joke
Son is crying loud.
Father asks him "Why are you crying my son?"
Son replies" Mother beat me"
Father replies "Control yourself, have you seen me ever crying???!!!"
// end joke! 
-
The Husband Strikes Back!!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it
hears the words "I do".
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a
woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went hopping at a big, big department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!"
I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.
-
I guess NOV will come up next with a divorce joke!!!
Logical Conclusion you seee.. 
-
Oh geez NOV-san that didn't sound like a joke at all but like two very selfish unhappy ppl not meant to share a marriage...anyways here's what could be the joke to that couple stayed longer together:
One day a man had enough and appeared before a judge asking for a divorce.
Quietly and carefully the Judge reviewed the man's papers and then asked him, "Sir, please tell me on what grounds you are seeking this divorce?"
"Well," the man says, "because I live in a three-story house."
The Judge replies, "Exactly what kind of reason is that? What is the big deal about a 3-story house???"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' , the second story is ...'It's that time of the month."...and the third story is, "NO...we'll wake up the children... "
-
Mme,
have you got screw drivers?
-
Bad Boy wrote: |
Mme,
have you got screw drivers? |
no but that doesnt mean you can come into the hardware store and ask for carrots again!
hey if i get the x-billion-dollar offer first than i promise to let you have the dollar 
-
A Love Story
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and
carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of the little old lady. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of her.
He took a sip of the drink, and then she took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking.
"That poor old couple."
As the old man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing...she just sat there watching him eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
them something to eat. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "The teeth."
-
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
-
eeks my thread still exists...THOUGH I DONT
lol
big joke ever
-
Shakthiprabha wrote: |
eeks my thread still exists...THOUGH I DONT |
Thats called leaving a legacy behind! 
-
For a change, a same-side goal, in dedication to the originator f this thread.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man...
- unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out?
- You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon...
- they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander...
- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well...
- they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same...
- they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor:
- a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men...
- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something...
- is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind...
- but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man...
- look in a mental hospital.
12. The men of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years...
- Even in biblical times, they wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in...
- tell him chequebooks.
-
NOV-san thanx for those especially the last addition...now just to be fair:
The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman
#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
-
NOV wrote: |
For a change, a same-side goal, in dedication to the originator f this thread.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well...
- they never mature anyway.
. |
Thanks nov, Actually I was searching for jokes.....
what u posted seem to be FACTS 
-
ok, here are some facts, for you to laugh at:
The following are actual ads on a matrimony site in India. Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!
Disclaimer : I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail...
Hello To Viewvers
My Name is Somesha , I am single i dont have Famale, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe..if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours
Regards Somesha ~*~
_____
i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa state he is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (-Homework?)
_____
Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. She may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you (-The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)
_____
She should be good looking and should have a service. She Shoulsd haveone brother and one sister. She should be educated. (-ain't it unique!! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)
_____
I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on.......... hold my hand forever !!!
(-The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
_____
i am simple boy.I have lot of problem in my life because of my luck now i am looking one girls he care me and love me lot lot lot (-I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)
My wife should be as 'Parwati' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tulsi as in KSBKBT......
(-Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much, ain't he?)
_____
i want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house she should give recpect to ourcast (-by not wearing her jeans? ahem...)
_____
HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GUY,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL , THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD. 2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.
(all of us are 'loughing')
_____
whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is loolike this she would bde called the lady of the lamp (-I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this guy wants)
_____
i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok (-I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")
_____
1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK (-the "ok syndrome" again)
_____
i am pradip my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater & mother sister complity marred (-somebody please explain in comments section how to get married'completely'?)
_____
iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. i am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist. (-actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)
_____
my name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes (-height of desperation!)
_____
I want one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she have a frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. I Think the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. but iam not a handsome person or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good person. My father already expired . iam''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye. (-uttama purushan)
_____
i am kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar. he was marred. (No comments) I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT. (-maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)
_____
hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily. i divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect the good
minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ... (-but credit cards not accepted..???)
_____
my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service (-Zebra..???)
_____
i'm looking out for who lives in bombay, girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY. (-Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)
_____
To be married on jan-2005. working woman perferable (this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bride. I wish him best luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon..)
_____
i would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure. because girl is the mahalakshmi (-Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)
_____
ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present. (-Any takers again?)
-
nov,
) that was REALLY WORTH LAUGHING.
Loved the comments more than the ads. Quite witty.
/////I want one girl who love me or my mother./////
Thats the peak! Wants a girl who loves him OR his mother...
eeeeeeeeeeeks!
-
NOV-san i think i will have to quit my well loved english prof dreams...because yep im not going to forget that grammar soon...guess i'll just have to get hitched to one of those guys though im not fair, very complex, already starting to hate their mothers and can't seem to love just one
to the ladies they finally did get hitched to or will get in the future :
i am not worthy to read your replies
(note: hmmm hope that wasn't too mean...poor things they actually had the guts to post those online)
-
Shakthiprabha wrote: |
Thanks nov, Actually I was searching for jokes.....
what u posted seem to be FACTS  |
Hey Shakthi! Believe me!! I wanted to say that when I finished with NOV's factual post
Thanks for saying that for us !
NOV,
For once you had got the courage to state the facts clearly
As Querida said elsewhere, people tend be bold when they speak out the truth !! 
-
Shakthiprabha wrote: |
nov,
) that was REALLY WORTH LAUGHING.
Loved the comments more than the ads. Quite witty.
/////I want one girl who love me or my mother./////
Thats the peak! Wants a girl who loves him OR his mother...
eeeeeeeeeeeks! |
Thats not bad as long as they dont expect us to love both

-
NOV deserves a big

-
Yeah yeah!! a standing OVATION

-
Ayoooo ladies, you make me very shy. I am merely the messenger. Don't shoot or praise me, please.

-
///Thanks for saying that for us ! ////
hehehe Roshan..ANYTIME...
///Thats not bad as long as they dont expect us to love both ///
yeah yeah poor we.
_________________
nov,
//// I am merely the messenger. ////
Visit us as often as possible messenger, WITH SIMILAR KIND OF MESSEGES, you would get STANDING OVATION YET ANOTHER time.
Chee chee dont feel shy, ALL PART OF GAME
)
-
A telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service, at a hotel in South East Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.
Room Service (RS) : "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest (G) : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room service."
RS: "Rye. Ruin sorbees.. morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh...yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den? ....pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos??"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes!....why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast'. Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No....just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter....just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy....tea....mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother, honey sigh, and copy.....rye???"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tendjewberrymud."
G: "You're welcome."
-
Why am I so tired?
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the
work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to
do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and
City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
-
Dear NOV,
"Tendjewberrymud " for all these jokes...
deyar juz wunnaful.
tendjegane..
-
NOV-san said:
Quote: |
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes. |
the other worker says: well you posted them! So instead of reading this message get back to work! Someone's got to cover while i go on my coffee break! 
-
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter
chainsthem together and says,
"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity with this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with
the same punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being with you for all of eternity?"
And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped
on a duck."
-

-
Take it lite, no offence meant!!
THIS IS WHY GUYS ARE STILL ALONE:
********* U have to think twice b4 committing to a North IndianGirl**********
1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.
2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.
3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movie theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.
4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.
5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.
6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her gray hair.
7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.
8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.
9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you.
10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to "walk out"
11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.
12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you"
13. She thinks Govinda can dance better than Michael Jackson.
******WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South indian GIRL-FRIEND***********
Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras /Anna University.
Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."
She shudders if you use four letter words.
She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconutoil from her hair.)
She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.
Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.
Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)
When she mixes milk and rice you are never sure whether it is for the Dog or for herself.
For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortablewhile you are melting in your singlet.
She thinks Mohan Lal is the sexiest man alive.
Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.
Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation')
She bursts into songs with her cousins in every movie.
She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.
You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it ..
Her thali (Mangal Sutra) weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.
She is more educated than you.
Her father thinks she is much smarter than you...
-
Husband : U know dear, our son got his brain from me.
Wife : I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
-
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're real lucky, mine's still alive."
-
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did." he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
-
"I was married 3 times" explained a man to a newly discovered drinking partner, and I'll never marry again."
My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.
"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"
*****************************************************
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker.
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
*****************************************************
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops..
-
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.
The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."
They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life.
My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it. "They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
-
God created the mule, and told him,"You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads onyour back.You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years."The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him,"You will hold vigilance over thedwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion.You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 15 years."And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him,"You are Monkey. You shallswing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot.You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational beingthat walks the earth.You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world.You will dominate the earth and live for20 years."And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused,and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man,then marry and live 20years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age,to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
-
Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." Said and done. The next time God looked the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your spouses. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?">> The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"--
-
Quote: |
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here" |

-
Hmmm Scorpio im worried what you would say about the gurls who are desi but have left the homeland...but still hilarious
Cindy love those jokes...short and long-lined one
but i kinda don't get the jail joke...so what if they guy asked for matches? maybe i'm just missing a key part of it...
-
Querida,
first one could read the books, the second one had his wife with him...and the third one...Imagine piles of cigarettes, but cant have a smoke... as he had no match stick ... and 20 years... whatz the use of those cigarettes then?? 
-
Herez my turn to STRIKE SAME SIDE GOAL. Though I dont agree with some of what is said here, nevertheless, its enjoyable.(Its an old one..which many must've heard)
***************************************************
Hazardous Materials Data sheet
________________________________
Element : Women
Symbol : O+
Discoverer : Adam
Atomic Mass : Accepted as 55kg, but varies from 45 kg to 225 kg
Physical Properties
___________________
Body surface normally covered with film of powder and paint
Boils at absolutely nothing-Freezes for no apparent reason
Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
Chemical Properties
___________________
Reacts well to gold, plantinum and all precious stones
Explodes spontaneously without any reason or warning
The most powerful money reducing agent ever known to man
Common use
__________
Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
Can greatly aid relaxation
Can be very effective cleaning agent
Hazards
_______
Turns green, when placed alongside a superior specimen
Possession of more than one is possible, but specimen must never make eye contact
__________________________________________________________________
-
Shakthiprabha wrote: |
Herez my turn to STRIKE SAME SIDE GOAL. Though I dont agree with some of what is said here, nevertheless, its enjoyable |
I agree with what is said here and it is certainly enjoyable. 
-
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!
ALL ARE WELCOME
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
accept a maximum of eight participants sign up early and get a discount on registration.
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN
SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and
support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house
upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO
YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
-
Seminars For Females
(Prepared and presented by their better halves.)
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
4. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet
Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, Not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without
Nagging.
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
12. Introduction to Parking.
13. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
14. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
19. PMS: Your Problem... Not His.
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
21. Sex: It's For Married Couples Too.
22. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
24. Oil and Fuel: Your Car Needs Both.
25. Oil and Fuel: Your Car Needs Both. (In case it was missed the
first time)
26. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.
27. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" - Why Men Lie.
28. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
-

-
If Men Got Pregnant!
1. Morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health problem.
2. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.
3. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
5. All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.
6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
7. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes.
9. Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.
10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm.
-
Hi NOV-san do us all a fav and sign up all your hubbers and their significant others to their appropriate classes...what would be more rewarding then hearing the meaningful pms you'll recieve for your efforts

-
"Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm."
Nov,
Didn't catch the pun, care to explain ?? 
-
scorpio wrote: |
"Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm."
Nov,
Didn't catch the pun, care to explain ??  |
Too slow Pal!
If they are not back by 9 pm,you know what their evil,mean and clever girl friends will do to the poor,innocent souls.
.Wait for 10 months and you will become a grandma[sorry Pa]

-
Thanks BlahBlah!
-
scorpio wrote: |
Thanks BlahBlah! |
Not accompanied by a girl/woman/wife?
-
George W. Bush, the American President, meets with the Queen of England, Elizabeth II. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he goes over to Colin Powell's room and asked: "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell smiles comfortably and said, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney , and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
-
Why is it great to be a guy
- Phone conversations last 30 seconds.
- You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.
- A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
- When clicking thru the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
- You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go.
- You can go to the bathroom alone.
- Your last name stays put.
- You can leave a hotel room bed unmade.
- You can kill your own food.
- The garage is all yours.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment."
- You never have to clean the toilet.
- You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be
your friend.
- Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3.
- None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night.
- If you're 34 and single, no one notices.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
- Flowers fix everything.
- You never have to worry about other's feelings.
- Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
- You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
- You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy
thinking "he must be mad at me."
- One mood, all the time.
- You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him.
- Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental 100 bucks.
- You don't care if someone is talking behind your back.
- You don't pass on the desert and then mooch off someone else's.
- If you retain water, it is in a canteen.
- The remote is yours and yours alone.
- You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom.
- If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
-
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy
is the same.
-
oh now look what has happened..we praise NOV-san a bit and all of a sudden he's rehashing jokes with a couple of new ones thrown in and even pulled the reversal joke line trick....
anyways hilarious...though in your great to be a guy jokes...many of those things are changing.....especially with the clothes/shoes/suitcases/friend issues...that and now it seems socially acceptable for guys to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night..

-
Why It's Great to be a Gal
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Our boy friend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on their life insurance.
6. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
7. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
8. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
9. Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies (you get the point).
10. Taxis stop for us.
11. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
13. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
14. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
15. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
16. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
17. We have an excuse to be a total *** at least once a month.
18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
19. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
20. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
21. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
22. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
23. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
24. We're NOT men.
-
Hi Q!
Snappy come back! One for the team!
-
Querida wrote
Quote: |
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. |
Question begging to be asked is , Is it 'If' or 'always' ?
pun intended
Offense unintended! 
-
jaiganes wrote: |
Querida wrote
Quote: | If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. |
Question begging to be asked is , Is it 'If' or 'always' ?
pun intended Offense unintended!  |
If the title were to be Why It's Great to be a Man
Then, as you said, the answer to your question will be 'always'!
-
Nov, Querida,
Sabash! Seriyana Potti! 
-
Querida wrote in a separate thread "sacred plants of hinduism"
Quote: |
just a question...why is that husbands never pray for nor praise their wives or even have elaborate ceremonies as women as expected (socially/religiously) to do so...all jokes aside it is quite demeaning...
|
We do!! that is called "SHOPPING". Please visit TNagar once if you haven't done so already!! I did not reply there as it might have diluted that thread!
Ratchasi (is it true?) wrote
Quote: |
If the title were to be Why It's Great to be a Man
Then, as you said, the answer to your question will be 'always'! |
So you do find dumb men to be cute!!!
no wonder u have that name!!!
pun intended!
Offense unintended 
-
Querida / A.Ratchasi.........
Love reading everything that's posted here.......
Nov and all "great Guys".........love those jokes too.....

-
What's a Man?
Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out, "Lord, I have a problem."
And the Lord said, "What's the matter, Eve?"
"I know you created me and this beautiful garden. But I'm lonely-and I'm sick of eating apples."
"Well, in that case, " replied the Almighty, "I'll create a man for you."
"What's a man?"
"He's a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and muscular. He'll be really food at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals-and not bad in the sack."
"Sounds great!" replied Eve.
"There's one condition," added the Lord. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
-
Ratchasi!
I believe you!!
No wonder there was chaos in the beginning!!!

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jaiganes wrote: |
So you do find dumb men to be cute!!!
no wonder u have that name!!!
pun intended! Offense unintended  |
Read it again, jaiganes.
I dont recall saying that I find dumb men cute.
You might end up living with the prarie dog for company.
-
Ah! Now Ratchasi has joined the band along with Querida !
Nov,
Your turn now! 
-
Intense Grief
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed
mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept
repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of
pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn
so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...
"My wife's first husband."
-
Ah!
I concede Ratchasi!!
You find all men dumb.(quite logical according to you . I guess)
you don't find dumb men cute (follows your post)
So I guess I can lend my prarie Dog to you!!! I hope you find that poor creature cute!!
chaos still rulez!! Coz God created Eves first remember!!! No chance for order!!
pun intended
offense unintended 
-
Good one ratchasi!
"Intense Grief" is indeed a very good, thought provoking joke!!!
look at the Irony!!
-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
What's a Man?
"What's a man?"
"He's a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and muscular. He'll be really food at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals-and not bad in the sack."
"Sounds great!" replied Eve.
"There's one condition," added the Lord. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first." |
Good one! Interesting.
There is a famous fact which is mailed to me time and again....
___
God created man....
He was not happy. It was imperfect.....
SO HE CREATED WOMAN
(self explanatory)
_____
-
A man,sick and tired of working for eight hours a day,while his wife simply stayed at home,wanted her to understand what he is going through.So he prayed to god,
"Lord,my wife is merely sitting at home while I am working hard.I want her to understand my problems.So please change our roles".
God in his infinite wisdom,granted the wish.He woke up next morning as the woman while his wife became the man.
Early morning he awakened the kids,cooked break fast,set out their school clothes,packed their lunch box and took them to school.Then he came back,took the clothes to the laundry,drove to the bank to take money for paying the power and phone bills, went to the power company and telephone office to pay the bills,went grocery shopping,came back, cleaned the cats litter box,bathed the dog,made the bed,cleaned the kitchen,washed and moped the floor.
By this time,it was evening and he ran to the school to bring the children,got into an argument with them on the way,came back,set out milk and snacks,ironed the clothes,peeled potatoes and cleaned vegetagles and started cooking.Then they had dinner and by 9 pm he had sent the children to the bedroom,washed the dishes,cleaned the kitchen and then proceeded to the bedroom, where he was expected to make love
.
The next morning he woke up and immediately knelt beside the bed and said,"Lord,I am sorry to be such a fool to envy my wife being able to stay at home.Please change us back to our old roles".
The Lord replied,"Son I am glad that you have learned your lesson and will be happy to change you into your old role.
You will have to wait 9 months though.YOU JUST GOT PREGNANT LAST NIGHT". 
-
//You will have to wait 9 months though.YOU JUST GOT PREGNANT LAST NIGHT". //
That CROWNED IT !
)
Expect the unexpected LOL
-
Ok ladies, here's one for you....
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. the rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they are
all going to fall.
They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech. she said that she will voluntarily let go off the rope, because as a woman she is used to give up everything
for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
the men were all touched by her speech that they all started clapping their hands........
-
1. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage.
.
5. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
.
6. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
.
7. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
.
8. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
.
9. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've
purchased new school uniforms.
.
10. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
.
11. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
.
12. You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.
.
13. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
.
14. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
.
15. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
.
16. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll
take it anyway.
.
17. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
.
18. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
.
19. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
. .
21. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
.
22. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.
.
23. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
.
24. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
.
25. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
.
27. No Fear - I keep all my credit cards maxed out so I never have to worry about identity theft.
.
29. Jelly - A blonde bought a contraceptive jelly, but got pregnant anyway because she failed to read the directions and ate the jelly on the toast.
.
31. A blonde goes half way to Finland from USA and back to discover that a "14 Inch Viking" was a TV set not a sexy man.
.
33. A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; An optimist hopes they are.
.
34. Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're
finished.
.
35. Common sense is good to have, but never let it master you for then it might deprive you of the foolish things it's fun to do.
.
36. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats her husband like toxic waste...
.
37 The sweet young thing decided she'd rather be a young man's slave than an old man's darling, explaining that she hated the
thought of feeling old age creeping up on her.
.
41 For checkbook security, I keep all my checks signed so that thief cannot sign my checks.
-
blahblah loved the joke!

-
However much we can joke about men and women...it's funnier to joke about those who are together....especially if you're young, single and loving it
:
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only
seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In some cases, it's almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out....
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Judy, pack up your things! I just won the New York lottery!' Judy replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Mondays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in London and mine is in N.Y.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
She got a mudpack and looked great for a day. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When
a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
My wife told me to be more affectionate, so I got a girlfriend.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact,
I like your mother-in-law better than mine."
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically>asked, "Relatives of yours?" Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
-
one for the gals:
A man is walking down a beach, and accidentally kicks a bottle out of the sand. He opens the bottle, and a genie appears. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one." The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because airplanes are much too frightening for me and boats make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I can't do it. Imagine all the work involved. All the piling to hold up the highway needed and all the pavement. Ask for something else." "Well," the man said. "I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick." The genie considered this for a couple of minutes and said, "So, do you want that road two lanes or four?"
and one for the guys:
In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers, "Here. Iron this."
-
Querida wrote: |
one for the gals:
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers, "Here. Iron this." |
Atleast the women on this forum understand their true role.

-
This one is in toast for intelligent husbands..
The boss was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them. They left the office for her place and made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, and woke up hours later, at about 8 pm. As the boss threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Though mystified by his unusual request, she complied nonetheless. Then, the boss quickly slipped into his shoes and raced home.
"Where have you been!" demanded the boss's wife when he finally entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and I woke up just minutes ago. I raced home as quick as I could."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "Don't lie to me, you *******! I know you've been out playing golf again!"
-
Shekhar wrote: |
This one is in toast for intelligent husbands..
The boss was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them. |
It is of course normal that the passions overcome them during the day, they are at the office for work and they are working on each other.
"You won't get far by lying" it is said. But golfing if you say the truth! Good laugh Shekhar! 
-
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
-
@ MM....hmmm i guess i'll just keep that in mind for the future...if that is of course that is my future
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
-
5 secrets to romantic happiness
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have *** with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet
-
Difference between a cat and a dog...
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
5 secrets to romantic happiness
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have *** with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet |
awww AR, the original - which is a woman - reads much better. 
-
Teacher: "Johnny, give me a sentence starting with 'I'"
Little Johnny: "I is..."
Teacher: "No, Little Johnny. Always say 'I am.'"
Little Johnny: "All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
-
Querida wrote: |
@ MM....hmmm i guess i'll just keep that in mind for the future...if that is of course that is my future
|
Q,
Do you plan to be a teacher when you graduate? That's so cool.
-
Well, NOV,

-
NOV wrote: |
a.ratchasi wrote: | 5 secrets to romantic happiness
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have *** with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet |
awww AR, the original - which is a woman - reads much better.  |
See how women manipulate things to suit them.However,I am sure this joke was invented by a man. 
-
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.
"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shocked now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And...I know why you and daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?"
To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."
-
The owner of a gasoline station in Tattnall County, Georgia was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a billboard showing
"FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP!"
Soon a local young man, Jim filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him "pick a number from 1 to 10; if you pick the right number, you will get your free sex." Jim picked the number 8, and the gas station owner said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later Jim, along with his buddy Bill, pulled into the station. Jim filled his gas tank, and again asked for his free sex. The station owner gave him the same story again, and asked him to guess a number. This time, Jim guessed 2. The station owner said, "Sorry, the correct number was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away from the gasoline station, Jim said to Bill, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bill replied, "No it ain't rigged Jim. My wife won twice last week!!!
-
An old woman called the Fire Dept:
"Hello, Help!"
"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."
"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"
-
Since Valentines Day is aound the corner, let us try to celebrate and understand the opposite sex.
RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends. Then she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' and get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m.
on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just called to let you know you ruined my life, I'll never forgive you, I hate you, you're a total floozy. ..but, I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.'
LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about their experiences with women.
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man wouldnt be able to identify most of the items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men hiss at them.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.
MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, Graphic equalizers, Video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to operate.
JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any
more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.
TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.
Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' or Got anymore beer?'
RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.
Women use restrooms as social lounges.
Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.
And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to use the little boys? room. Do you want to join me?'
-
Oh !! NOV,
It's 'A' joke per day...' and not too many jokes per day !! One per day makes us enjoy the jokes mostly.
Anyways, thanks for the jokes. But the last one should rightly go to 'interesting anecdotes' thread as there are too many facts involved.
Eg:
LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about their experiences with women.
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane.

-
Roshan wrote: |
Oh !! NOV,
It's 'A' joke per day...' and not too many jokes per day !! One per day makes us enjoy the jokes mostly. |
You are right. I will control myself in future.
as for the "facts" it just goes to show that we men can laugh at ourselves. Hehehehe
-
NOV
u are the best!
I feel proud to be a man!!!! I am so cost effective!!(except for the toys part. I don't carry too much of them around u see!!!).
-
One day, Querida, Cindy and ratchasi were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Querida prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave her big arms and strong legs, and she was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Cindy prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave her a rowboat and she was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
ratchasi had seen how this worked out for the other two, so she also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."
Poof! God turned her into a man. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
-
Poor Shekhar !! How deperate he is - to prove that men are intelligent !!

-
awwww Shekhar...what's the deal with labelling? I would change my next joke to your name...but then again i don't want hubbers dying from laughter
...atleast be accurate...what's this hiking you speak of? You mean walking for guys...you know cause they get to carry around a backpack, compass, canteen and flashlight...just in case they get lost...which we know never ever happens...irregardless of the bright big signs with directions the nice people at the park put up... 
-
Shekhar!!! pls try harder

-
Shekhar....Shekhar....Shekhar....
Trying hard to get even, eh?
Anyways, kudos to you for you have remembered to change the names!
With kind regards,

-
Shekhar wrote:
Quote: |
Poof! God turned her into a man. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge
|
No Shekhar! It looks better this way.
Poof! God turned her into NOV. (S)he locked the river and walked across it!!!
pun intended
offense unintended 
-
Jai Ganesh wrote: |
Poof! God turned her into NOV. (S)he locked the river and walked across it!!!
pun intended offense unintended |
Good one.

-
Bill Gates picks his own punishment:
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
-

-
AAHH!!!
I recall a similar joke!
Bill gates after his earth stint lands at the gates of hell.
Satan is pleased to welcome him to Hell.
As he is to be admitted to hell, he recieves a message from God that since Mr. Gates has introduced millions of users to PCs, he should be given a choice between select areas of Heaven and Hell.
First he is shown a glimpse of heaven where some uninteresting old men dressed in white are playing the lute sitting on top of clouds. Mr.Gates is not impressed, next he is shown scenes from hell. Lots of PCs and good looking women operating on them. Mr.Gates is impressed and he exclaims "To HEll for eternity!". Shortly two demons carry him forcibly and throw him into a deep pit with lots and lots of snakes, hissing and biting him. Bill Gates shouts " Where are the PCs and beautiful women?" . Satan replies "Well, that was our commercial you see!!!"

-
Jai,

-
Hmmmmm. Turning the joke on me? Irukkattum, irukkattum, one of these days I will do a Sekhar on you guys.
Some "old" jokes today....
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_______________________________________
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a drink."
_______________________________________
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one
looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Well," said Herman, "It's not just one car. There are hundreds of them!"
______________________________________
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went ! through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
-
NOV,
You have breached yr vow of 'one joke per day' again.
Hilarious, anyways 
-
Nice insensitive jokes on senior citizens NOV!!
Now this is a joke, I heard from Thenkachi . Ko. Swaminadhan in the radio programme "Indru Oru Thagaval".
There are three very senior citizens sitting on the beach . A reporter covering senior citizens is curious and thinks that they ust be long time pals and starts his conversation.
He asks senior #1: "You seem to be quite old, but still healthy, tell me your secret of long life.Also please state your exact age"
SC#1: I dont eat Non-Veg, I dont get Angry, I dont drink and I dont smoke. May be thats why. I am 90"
Reporter reiterates the same question to SC#2.
SC#2: "I don't drink, I don't smoke but I am a non vegetarian. I am 70".
Reporter then poses the same question to the third person who looks by far the eldest of the three.
SC#3: "I drink, I smoke , I eat non-veg, I use pans and Ghutkas"
Reporter :
SC#3: "And I am 30"
-
How do you keep Shekhar busy?
(see below)
How do you keep Shekhar busy?
(see above)
-
Back with my prarie dog!!
Ratchasi wrote :
Quote: |
How do you keep Shekhar busy?
(see below)
How do you keep Shekhar busy?
(see above)
|
That is what he has been doing since his marriage!!! 
-
And one for the road...
Shekhar and NOV are walking down the street when NOV says awww look at that dog with one eye. So Shekhar covers his left eye and looks.

-
Ratchasi wrote:
Quote: |
Shekhar and NOV are walking down the street when NOV says awww look at that dog with one eye. So Shekhar covers his left eye and looks.
|
Very funny!!!
Shekhar and NOV remember "Hell hath no fury like a feminist hubber scorned!!!"
-
Nov::
NOV wrote: |
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. " |
Sounds very much like me...walking in and out of my office, not remembering why I went out of my office in the first place, and then, don't know why I came back again to the office!!! Signs of old age!!!!!
and did the staring bit too, a few times...stared at the PC, don't know what I had wanted to type!!!!!
a.ratchasi wrote: |
How to keep Shekhar busy" |
a.ratchasi wrote: |
Shekhar and NOV are walking down the street when NOV says awww look at that dog with one eye. So Shekhar covers his left eye and looks. " |

-
Continuing the above joke,
Nov looks at Shekhar and tells Shekhar, "You are looking at the the dog with the wrong eye"
-
NM!
Better see "BLACK" before you black out permanently!!! 
-
jaiganes wrote: |
NM!
Better see "BLACK" before you black out permanently!!!  |
Jai ganesh.....no black but seeing blue.....

-
Hemant, you are putting me in hot soup here.
I named the wise one as NOV and the other, well, Shekhar
.
-
Ratchasi wrote :
Quote: |
Hemant, you are putting me in hot soup here.
I named the wise one as NOV and the other
|
Well Hemant knows that neither of them is single!!!

-
It wud have made problem if the Dog was refered to as the female from the dog tribe ...lol
-
and this is the end of the story
Shekhar and NOV are walking down the street when NOV says "awww look at that dog with one eye." So Shekhar covers his left eye and looks.
NOV looks at Shekhar and tells Shekhar, "You are looking at the the dog with the wrong eye."
"Why" asks Shekar, "what's wrong with looking through my left eye."
NOV points to the 3D illustration of the one-eyed dog and says, "You need to see with the green lens on your right eye and not the red one, in order to see the shadow."
And so, they continue walking down the street, flipping through the pages......
THE END
-
AMEN
-
[quote=NOV]
And so, they continue walking down the street, flipping through the pages....
[/quote]
Yeah, unmindful of the speeding truck driven by one A.Ratchasi....!!!!
charging at them !!! 
-
And who do you think was holding a Gun to the Head of Ratchasi ?
No need to think,
jaiganesh ofcourse !!
-

-
what are you doing Jaiganes?
Trying to beat Annamalai record?
-
NOV wrote:
Quote: |
what are you doing Jaiganes?
Trying to beat Annamalai record?
|
Hey I just tried to save you from the truck! Fine then I would start a new thread , NOV and the speeding truck!!!
Jjust kidding

-
Hemant Trivedi wrote: |
And who do you think was holding a Gun to the Head of Ratchasi ? No need to think, jaiganesh ofcourse !! |
Unknown to everyone, there's someone lurking among the bushes, waiting ....with a Bazookah....to attack a.r's attackers!!

-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
And one for the road...
Shekhar and NOV are walking down the street when NOV says awww look at that dog with one eye. So Shekhar covers his left eye and looks.
|
HT wrote: |
Continuing the above joke,
Nov looks at Shekhar and tells Shekhar, "You are looking at the the dog with the wrong eye" |

-
See how NOV ends the story..
That is man's brain ladies.. and ratachasi...the game is called turning the table.
Glad I brought more life to this thread.. 
-
Shekhar wrote,
"See how NOV ends the story..
That is man's brain ladies.. and ratachasi...the game is called turning the table. "
Men end stories....but... women start epics...
Men Turn the Tables....but ...Ladies cause an Earth Quake.
-
Hemant wrote :
Quote: |
Men end stories....but... women start epics...
Men Turn the Tables....but ...Ladies cause an Earth Quake.
|
So I can extend it to ....
Ladies start epic earthquakes???
or
Ladies are the epicentres of most of the earthquakes.

-
An Earthquake is momentary....
Epics go on an on......... (like Ekta Kapoor serials).
Ladies are EPIC centres of ALL earthquakes.....(Idhu eppadi?)
-
Hemant Trivedi wrote: |
Ladies are EPIC centres of ALL earthquakes.....(Idhu eppadi?) |
You can also make valuable quaking posts!
Ithu nalla nadukkam, mannikkavum, peNkaLai nalla nadukkam enRu collelaamaa?
-
Have been just joking around!
Lack of response from the other side of the fence indicates only one thing. They are clearly not impressed!! So I withdraw from this male/female bashing jokes!! I shall let NOV, ratchasi regain control of the thread!!!
My sincere apologies.

-
JG..how right U are...
Now, retreat...that's my boy!!
See, when Ladies keep quite......Men give in....(or up??)

-
NM wrote:
Quote: |
See, when Ladies keep quite......Men give in....(or up??)
|
Now ! Don't get me started....
-
good one picked up at butlerwebs.com
A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."
-
Another good one:
A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.
"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"
Joe answered the correct airline.
"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"
Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.
"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
And John answered, "Mom."
-
And one more:
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I
speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me!"
-
Now I can't stop this one !!
Out shopping, my friend Darin noticed a mother with three little girls and a baby. The woman's patience was wearing thin as all the girls called "Mama" while she tried to shop. Finally, Darin heard her say, "I don't want to hear the word MAMA for at least five minutes."
A few seconds went by, then one girl tugged on her mom's skirt and said, "Excuse me, miss."
-
Lisping speech has been creating a riot of laughter.
One such lisping young girl who was a teenager but was very well endowed went to a doctor with complaint of cough and cold.
Doctor put the stethescope under her collor bone and said,
"Big Breaths...."
The girl's face reddened crimson and replied rather coyly,
"Yeath ..and I am only thicktheen"
-
Soccer match
At a soccer match among the spectators one guy was moving from from side to side constantly. The guy next to him asked him " hey man whats wrong" you are moving from side to side.
The man replied " I'm sorry. I was working on a ship for ten years and thats why I'm like this.
Then the guy replied him" hey man I am married for 15 years, but I dont move back & forward
-
jaiganes wrote: |
"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
And John answered, "Mom." |
Good one!
jaiganes wrote: |
"Finally, Darin heard her say, "I don't want to hear the word MAMA for at least five minutes."
A few seconds went by, then one girl tugged on her mom's skirt and said, "Excuse me, miss." |

-
Equations
The Equation:
7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 @@@@@@ marriage has 7777777777777 Problems.
So beware of glance!
Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ram: I want 2 b a pilot.
Vinod: I want 2 b a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 b a good mother.
Ravi: I want 2 help Deepa.
Exams:
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1. Too Many Questions.
2. Difficult to Understand.
3. More Explanation is Needed.
4. Resultis always FAIL!
Delivered:
Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing.
The report said, "DELIVERED".
ThreeFeelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
-
Though we are constantly breaching 'One joke per day' yardstick!
-
JG, this is repeated in this same page...
-
Cindy! I am sorry if it is. I just went up till last 8 pages to check it up, then got bored and told my self "What the he**, I am gonna go ahead with the post". Ny ways, I got reminded of another joke..
A 5-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 5-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?"
The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5-year-old what he wants for breakfast
"Awe hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The Mom looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, " but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
-
Password selection rules
CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471
In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.
RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:
1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.
2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.
3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.
4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.
5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.
6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.
7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.
Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.
-
scorpio wrote: |
Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately. |
I was thinkin' why did scorpio place this thing here..is it a joke??
but now I know!!

-
oh my that'll learn me not to catch up on jokes all at once...

-
NM wrote: |
I was thinkin' why did scorpio place this thing here..is it a joke?? but now I know!!  |
So.. the tube lighted at last..

-
Shekhar wrote: |
NM wrote: | I was thinkin' why did scorpio place this thing here..is it a joke?? but now I know!!  |
So.. the tube lighted at last..  |
Shekhar......adi vendumaa?????

-
IF RESUMES TOLD THE TRUTH:
OBJECTIVE
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.
EDUCATION
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask
EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding commercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.
COMPUTER SKILLS
*Solitaire
*Minesweeper
HONORS AND AWARDS
*Said Toast at brother's wedding
High Score on Jack's Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother.
Note fm Scorpio- Software professionals, pls. excuse! 
-
Haa Scorpio,
Can add the following under EMPLOYMENT section
Presented time consuming(to read and write) and trouble inciting papers and research publications(read posts) on various subjects in bulletinboards and forums in the internet disturbing peace and tranquility on the net!!
Doubled up as the official coffee taster in the office!
Quote: |
Software professionals, pls. excuse |
No need to apologize pal! we always accept truth! 
-
Jai,
Official coffee taster- just becoz u'r a chennaite??
Good job!
-
Don't know if you guys n gals hv heard of this before...
"Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I
fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of
the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received
anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you
send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this
message. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
10: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by
our PC for my response.
11: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
12: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE
13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of ]Steve'.

-
NM,

-
For # 13???
Needed that after some disturbing news at work today!!
-
Quote: |
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE
13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of ]Steve'.
|
So you think he / she made the right decision????
Hilarious jokes! 
-
Gender and Computers
Top nine reasons- computers must be male:
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
A better model is always just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
It is always necessary to have a backup.
They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
The lights are on but nobody's home.
Big power surges knock them out for the night.
Size does matter
Top nine reasons computers must be female:
Picky, picky, picky.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Beauty is only shell deep.
When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
Always turning simple statements into big productions.
Smalltalk is important.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
They make you take the garbage out.
-
Newton's Laws for the Software World
-----------------------------------------------------
Law 1- Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or
forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by external unbalanced manager.
Law 2. The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to
the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when deadline force is applied.
Law 3. For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite Software Implementation.
Bonus
Law 4. Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant.
Note - Again, software professionals, pl. excuse 
-
Quote: |
Bonus Law 4. Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant.
|
Since when did well guarded facts become jokes?
One more law
Productivity of R&D team is directly proportional to the uptime of google.com !

-
Inter Office Memo
Since research team manager has found that google results need to be sorted, indexed and since this process takes up more time,
FROM IMMEDIATE EFFECT, GOOGLE WILL CEASE TO BE THE CHIEF RESEARCH TOOL.
IN ITS PLACE, " www.vivisimo.com " must be used by everyone.

-
scorpio wrote: |
Gender and Computers
|

-
Actually speaking, VIVISIMO is a far superior clustring search engine. Try it out once and you would use it for ever.
-
Dear God, I beg you to..
Give me the wisdom
To understand my boss
Give me the love
to forgive him
Give me the patience
to understand his actions
But, dear God, don't
present me with strength
'Cos if you do,
I"LL BREAK HIS SKULL!!
Have a great weekend, folks!
-
NM,
"Cos if you do,
I"LL BREAK HIS SKULL!! "
Both funny and practical!!
-
NM wrote: |
Dear God, I beg you to..
Give me the wisdom
To understand my boss
Give me the love
to forgive him
Give me the patience
to understand his actions
But, dear God, don't
present me with strength
'Cos if you do,
I"LL BREAK HIS SKULL!!
Have a great weekend, folks! |
same goes for my profs!
thanx NM for the jokes..have a great weekend as well... 
-
Querida..
For profs, perhaps it should go like this...
Dear God, I beg you to ..
Give me super eyesight,
to see what he scribbles
Give me bionic ear,
to hear what he mumbles
Give me extraordinary IQ,
to understand what he brags about
But, please GOD, I beg you not to
give me the strength,
Cos' I'll break his skull and take his place!!

-
BIHAR DRIVING LICENSE APPLICATION FORM
Bihar ispecal
DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM NOTE: If you dont knows, please copy from another applikason phorom. For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason. Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the licen.
Last name:
(_) Yadav
(_) Sinha
(_) Pandey
(_) Misra
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
First name:
(_) Ramprasad
(_) Lakhan
(_) Sivprasad
(_) Jamnaprasad
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
Age:
(_) Less than phipty
(_) Greater than phipty
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
Sex: ____ M _____ (F) _____ not sure _____not applicable
Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right
>
Occupason:
(_) Politison
(_) Doodhwala
(_) Pehelwaan
(_) House wife
(_) Un-employed
(Check karet box)
Number of children libing in the household: _________
Number that are yours: _________
Mother name: _______________________
Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leave blank)
Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest class attended)
Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow
(_) Berownish-ellow
(_) Berown
(_) Belack
(_) Others - Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)
Your thumb imparesson (If you are copying from another applikason pharom,please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.) PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you don't have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.
NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE. WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS
-
That was great! Messed up, but great! 
-
///
Number of children libing in the household: _________
Number that are yours: _________
////
THAT TOOK A lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng time for me to decipher what is being said !!
Though there are umpteen no. of application forms, this was was unique, which succeeded in bringing some smile
NM's prof joke was TOO GOOD 
-
Shekhar wrote: |
Bihar ispecal
Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the licen.
.......
(Check karet box)
.......
|
Aiyooh......Shekhar, engeppa unggelukku inthe joke kideitthathu?
Like Shakti, I was struggling with "check karet box"!!!
Shakti....you feel the same with profs too??

-
Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
3 new bonds are being issued:
* Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity
* Gore bond: Has no interest
* Clinton bond: Has no principle.
-
Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's the law!
Experience: What you get when you don't get what you want.
Anxiety: Nature's way of getting you up mornings.
Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance.
Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children.
Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".
A conclusion is where somebody got tired of thinking.
Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.
Oxymoron: One who does not know how to use pimple medication.
Chocolate: the other major food group.
Capitalism: Man exploiting man.
Socialism: The reverse.
Canadians: The *other* Americans.
Cheating: Playing by the rules they teach in business school.
Success is just a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
'Normal' is a setting on a washing machine..
Health: The slowest possible rate of dying.
Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
Childish game: One at which you cannot beat your spouse.
Language: A dialect with an army and navy.
Pizza *is* the four food groups.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.
Feudalism: When it's your Count that votes.
Bore: One who, upon being asked how they are, tells you.
Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.
Answer: What everybody is still looking for.
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
Fine: Tax for doing wrong.
Tax: Fine for doing fine.
Witlag: The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.
(Hi Sakthipraba
Skier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.
A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Anarchy: Such a good idea, it should be the law.
Dogmatism: Puppyism come to full growth.
Dime: A dollar after taxes.
A professor is someone who talks in somebody else's sleep.
Work is the slow, dragging fingernail on the blackboard of life.
-
NOV wrote: |
3 new bonds are being issued:
* Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity
* Gore bond: Has no interest
* Clinton bond: Has no principle.
..................
Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".
|

-
A Rare Book
NOV ran into NM who told him she had just thrown away an old Bible that she found in a dusty, old box. She happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped NOV.
"Yes, that was it!"
"My God! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied NM. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
-
As in King Jr?????? 
-
Nov,
YOU MADE MY DAY..... DEAR.... 
-
Great you enjoyed them Hemant.
* One morning, an American senator instructed his attorney to notify him as soon as a judgment was handed down in a case concerning his involvement in an influence-peddling scheme.
Early that afternoon, he received a fax: "JUSTlCE HAS PREVAILED. "
He immediately faxed back: "APPEAL AT ONCE!"
* A society matron, visiting the Louvre, stopped before a famous painting of a dirtypeasant. "Isn`t that just like them?" she remarked. "Too poor to buy decent clothes, but he can afford to have his portrait painted!"
* A diplomat visiting China once rambled on for several minutes telling a story to his hosts. Curiously, the interpreter remained respectfully silent. Having finished, the diplomat was astonished to find everyone heartily laughing after his interpreter had said only a few words.
"How did you tell the story so quickly?" the diplomat asked. "Story too long," the interpreter replied. "So I say: `He tell joke. Laugh.`"
-
scorpio wrote: |
Gender and Computers
Top nine reasons computers must be female:
|
A computer must be female.. 'coz there is a motherboard inside... not a fatherboard. 
-
Obviously computer is a female since it has 101 key buttons,
Numbers are sent to mostly unused righthand side,
On the keyboard,
Largest key says, "ENTER",
Broadest one is SPACE
First button says, "ESCAPE"
Two Bottom Keys says, CONTROL"
And has two keys which says, "ALTER"
And two keys which says, "SHIFT"
Has twelve Female Keys, which are, F1 to F12
(And it has a MOTHERBOARD hidden from public view.)
It uses a lot of shoes as it has to RE-BOOTED almost daily .
This reminds me of female qualities.
So it is undoubtadly female gender for a computer.
-
Once last May UKW, now Mellon told me not to finger my keyboard much! Do you remember Mme?
I should have listen to you Mellon.
-
NM wrote: |
Querida..
For profs, perhaps it should go like this...
Dear God, I beg you to ..
Give me super eyesight,
to see what he scribbles
Give me bionic ear,
to hear what he mumbles
Give me extraordinary IQ,
to understand what he brags about
But, please GOD, I beg you not to
give me the strength,
Cos' I'll break his skull and take his place!!  |
oh NM that is much more fitting!...because for sure now I will beg God to give me the strength! 
-
nirosha sen wrote: |
As in King Jr??????  |
No... "Martin Luther dealt the symbolic blow that began the Reformation when he nailed his Ninety-Five Theses to the door of the Wittenberg Church. That document contained an attack on papal abuses and the sale of indulgences by church officials." This historic movement eventually led to Puritanism whose followers fled England for 'pure' religious life and work in the new world...they soon became greedy and hence were reborn as....Americans who now worship capitalism...along with everyone else in the world for that matter...
-
Shekhar and NOV-san those were simply hilarious!
whoever said stick to a joke a day....i really enjoyed those! Except that i dont think it's good to read them one right after another...i've got tears in my eyes from laughing too much! 
-
knicker-wallahs...well atleast they will keep the internet spam-free and that simply too...that's just too funny Badboy

-
Shekhar wrote: |
A Rare Book
NOV ran into NM who told him she had just thrown away an old Bible that she found in a dusty, old box.
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied NM. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther." |
My dearest
Shekhar,
Wanna blonk???
Thanks for giving me the honor
You wait!!

-
A little boy asks his father what politics is. His father tries to explain. "Well, son," he says, "I go out into the world every day and make money - so imagine me as Capitalism. Your mother handles the budget for the house - so you could regard her as the Government. Your nanny, who looks after you and your baby brother, works very hard - so we will call her the Working Class. You are in the midst of all this - so consider yourself as the People. And your baby brother? Look on him as the Future."
That night the boy goes to bed pondering his father's words. In the middle of the night he is woken by his baby brother crying, clearly wanting to have his nappy changed. He goes into his parents' bedroom and sees his mother fast asleep. He is unable to rouse her. He goes to the nanny's room and finds his father and the nanny making love. He tiptoes quietly out without being observed and goes back to bed.
At breakfast in the morning, the boy says to his father: "I was thinking about what you told me and I think I understand about politics now, dad." His gratified father looks up from his toast and asks, "Oh yes, how is that?" "Well," replies the boy, "Capitalism is screwing the Working Class. The Government is asleep. The People are being lied to and the Future is in deep shit."
-
Mad Max,
I had read this one ....but had forgotten it. You made me Laugh.Good one.
-
Mad Max...

-
Three friends had a visit to Qutb Minar.Two went to the tower top and one remained in the basement itself.
The two friends watched the city from the top of the tower.The city was very beautiful to view.They were just enjoying the sight.
Suddenly one of them said"our friend below is missing this sight.Call him here".
So the other called in a loud voice from top of the tower .
The firs person got angry and shouted at him "he is in such a distance ,how will he hear your voice.....?".
Saying this,he took the binocular ,saw his friend below,then he called his friend in a lower voice. 
-
NMS...
Welcome to the hub, buddy!
-
NM wrote: |
JG..how right U are...
Now, retreat...that's my boy!!
See, when Ladies keep quite......Men give in....(or up??)  |
NM, you have said it all too clear and well!!
Now, that I am back...

-
Picked this one up from butlerwebs.com
"
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
"
-
NOV, Shekhar, Mad Max,
Thanks for thejokes. Had a hearty laugh
to beat Monday Morning
blues !!
-
A funeral service was held for a woman who had just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket.
They heard a faint moan. They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried out: "Watch that wall!"
-
Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
-
Boy Nov!! That last paragraph was a most sobering thought Pa!!

-
NOV wrote: |
Home Remedies
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan. |
NOV,
Office-la velai seiyya vidungappa!!
-
Great that all of you are enjoying the jokes, while learning a thing or two too. hehehehehe
Top 10 most stupid questions' people usually ask in obvious situations :
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "masala thosai" good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionally also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Kanna, Selvi, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive ...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
-
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went upon the footpath and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the Driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me".
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much".
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years".
-
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
aiyo way too funny NOV-san! 
-
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
-
Cindy wrote: |
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY |
Is this a joke?
-
Of course it is!!!
And cindy what are those curious looking creatures in your avatar? and what are they doing ?
NOV don't you think that you posted one joke less?
-
Another joke related to kids!
I am afraid that some might say it is too touching to be called a joke....
"
To close each day's activities in summer and on holidays in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World at Lake Buena Vista, Fla., a huge fireworks display lights up the sky.
One night I noticed a small boy about three years old perched on his father's shoulder. The child sat mesmerized, aware only of what was exploding in the heavens. When the fireworks were over, the little boy looked up into the sky again and said, "Thank you, God."
"
-
This one takes the cake::::
Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad that read, "Lose weight $1.00 a pound." And it simply listed a telephone number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the man responded, "ten pounds."
The voice replied, "very well, put you check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me".
Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself, she said, "quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the somewhat less overweight man replied, "twenty pounds".
"Very well", the voice on the phone told him, "put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
At about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me". The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her.
When he was through she told him, "quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" He thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked,
"how much weight do you want to lose?"
"Fifty pounds!" The man exclaimed.
"Fifty pounds?" The voice asked. "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time."
The overweight man replied, "my check's already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning." Then he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you I'm going to screw you."

-
jaiganes wrote: |
NOV don't you think that you posted one joke less? |
OK, how about some words of wisdom from ............... Michael Jackson!
I have slept in a bed with many children... We go to sleep. I put the fireplace on. I give them hot milk, you know, we have cookies. Its very charming. Its very sweet. Its what the whole world should do. The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone.
I used to walk around holding baby dolls... because I wanted children so badly.
I was so anxious to get [my daughter Paris] home that after cutting the cordI hate to say thisI snatched at her and just went home with all the placenta all over her. Got her in a towel and ran.
If there were no children on this earth, if somebody announced that all kids were dead, I would jump off the balcony immediately.
-
Wow..Nov, U have been busy looking for jokes last week, weren't you? Was gone for only a few hours this morning and ....phew..so many of them..
Particularly, this one.."everyone seems normal until you get to know them"
VERY TRUE!!!!
-
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."
"Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

-
Very smart one indeed NM
-
Replying to an Invitation to a Scientists' Ball:
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Ampere was worried he wasn't up on current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."
Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
Hertz said he planned the future to attend with greater frequency.
Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Mendel was invited because he was a man of breeding.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Newton was moved to attend.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

-
ratchasi wrote: |
Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
|
Beyond funny, really this man had an amazing sense of humour as his epitaph reads "He lies here, somewhere"
Mel Blanc's epitaph reads"That's all, folks!"
Groucho Marx's epitaph reads ""Excuse me, I can't stand up."
Funniest one should be H.G.Wells'
"I told you so, you damned fools."
Most inspiring should be that of Karl Marx which reads,
"Workers of all lands unite. The philosophers have only
interpreted the world in various ways; the point is to change it."
-
Ar & JG..good ones!!

-
I took this following joke from 'female bashing' section. But I could not make out if it was really bashing enough....
A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place. The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."

-
A Nutty one!!!! Enzzzzoy!
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room,
So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally
Typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail,
Expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed
into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
Which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 16 May 2002
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
-
NOV wrote: |
Is this a joke? |
jaiganes wrote: |
Of course it is!!!
And cindy what are those curious looking creatures in your avatar? and what are they doing ?
NOV don't you think that you posted one joke less? |
ayyo.... this was the thread in my fav list... and thought of wishing every one before going to my work today... dint want to begin a thread for this..'coz worried that would be hijacked by ppl who are STRONGLY against and for it... puriyutha?
grrrr
and ganesuppayya... ennoda avatar enna avlo chinnathava irukku... nee un kannadi number check pannu...
-
Human Resources Guidebook
What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
-
A Christmas Card
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.
I've sent along my last ten dollars on this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave.
Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.
Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year.
Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her- name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Merry Christmas.
Love, Mom
-
Women!
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big openmouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress.
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife, "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities or Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier!!" she replies.
==========================
At a busy bus stop, a beautiful young lady wearing a tight fitting skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a man who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the Samaritan and yelled,"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled and drawled, "Well, dear, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were already good friends!!!"
-
Nov,
Those were hilarious
Thx for ligthening up my day, it's been hell past few days!!
-
I second NM's comments on the jokes.
NM wrote:
Quote: |
it's been hell past few days
|
Then think about me
I am going for an MRI scan of my head
Thanks for the blonks.....
-
jaiganes wrote: |
Then think about me
I am going for an MRI scan of my head
Thanks for the blonks..... |
JG......i am thinking abt U dear......is MRI enough or do you need a CT scan?

-
Cindy wrote:
Quote: |
ennoda avatar enna avlo chinnathava irukku... nee un kannadi number check pannu...
|
I can see that creatures in your avatar are two baby donkeys. As far as their size is concerned, they look like snacks of ratchasi's avatar!
NOV has got a little bolder to begin female bashing jokes again. I wish him all the best and gift him protective head gear

-
jaiganes wrote: |
NOV has got a little bolder to begin female bashing jokes again. I wish him all the best and gift him protective head gear  |
Be careful, my dear prairie...
Don't you remember what Blahblah said in another thread....?? Here it is to refresh yr mind...guess the blonks have taken away some of your memory....
blahblah wrote: |
Ohoh!You thought I am nice guy and then changed your mind?Don't you know that the General himself doesn't go for war,on the battlefield?For now,I will leave the job to lesser beings like jaiganesh. |
...

-
Of course I agree with my general!!
prarie dogs are cute little things which are less evolved beings(earlier in evolution tree) compared to vicious rabbits, that can beat the living daylights out of humans!! Haven't you seen the movie killer rabbits????
-
Peg After Peg
I never take risk while drinking
When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk
I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile
I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: Any news on Iyer's daughter's marriage
Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her
I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: But still I think Iyer's daughter's age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...
I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard's place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink
Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep it in the black cupboard
Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Iyer a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue...!
Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...
I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile
Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: (laughing) So Iyer is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...
I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk
Iyer is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take what???
-
A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his
classmate.
My Dearest Reshma,
Please answer the following questionnaire.
For Options (a)10 marks, (b) 5marks and (c) 3 marks.
1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me
because:
(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... am I doing it?
2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me
because:
(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile
3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you
stopped singing because:
(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song
4) When you were showing your child photo, when I asked for it, you
hide it because:
(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know
5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you
and you took only my friend's because:
(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know
6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...
(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded
7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college
because:
(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them
8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a
rose on your head because:
(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose
9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at
6:00 AM because:
(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual
If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay
in expressing it. If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is
budding
in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less
than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.
Eagerly awaiting your reply..
love,
Aakash
===============================================
Reshma's reply letter was also in Q/A format........
***************************************************
Aakash,
Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.
1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the
class, sees them.
(a) Yes
(b) No
2) If a girl laughs and looks anyone, is it love?
(a) Yes
(b) No
3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she
stop singing or not ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo.
You poked your nose inside..... right
(a) Yes
(b) No
5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you
understand yet?
(a) Yes
(b) No
6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali) at the bus stand?
(a) Yes
(b) No
7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?
(a) Yes
(b) No
8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is
it true ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I
come daily to Temple. Do you know ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not
loving you. If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning
of Love.
Hope everything is clear to you.
Reshma
-
21st CENTURY LIFELESSNESS..!!
Our communication - Wireless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our religion - Creedless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - Godless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our bosses - hopeless
Finally,
Our Salary - Very less
-
Cindy!!!!!
The drunkard joke was wayyyyy tooooo muchhh!

-
Cindy,

-
The guide to wife translations
The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
The wife says: Sure, go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to
The wife says: I'm not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron
The wife says: You're so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.
The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important.
-
Lateral Thinking
This puzzle is called Lateral Thinking... Just Check This Out!!!!
Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself.
man
1. ------------
board
Ans. = man overboard
stand
2. ------------
i
Ans. = I understand
OK?.... Got the drift? Let's try a few now and see how you fair?
3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/
Ans. = reading between the lines
4. r
road
a
d
Ans. = cross road
5. cycle
cycle
cycle
Ans. = tricycle
0
6. ------------
M.D.
Ph.D.
Ans. = two degrees below zero
knee
7. ------------
light
Ans. = neon light (knee-on-light)
ground
8. ---------------
feet feet feet feet feet feet
Ans. = six feet underground
9. he's / himself
Ans. = he's by himself
10. ecnalg
Ans. = backward glance
11. death ..... life
Ans. = life after death
12. THINK
Ans. think big !!
And the last one is real fundoo............
13. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb....
Ans. long time no 'C' (see)
-
Cindy's joke is wayyyyyyyy too hilarious
)
)
-
Cindy's drunkard joke way
too hilarious
)
)
-
This is a real life incident from a Doctor's experience:
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left". Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked;
He was standing there with both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
-
This fits to this thread? or the amazing facts thread? u decide... and we will as NOV to place it properly...
A beautiful " l o v e " story
A long time ago, before the world was created and
humans set foot on it, God had put all the human
"qualities" in a separate room.
Since all the qualities were bored they decided to
play hide & seek.
"Madness" was one of the qualities and he shouted:
"I want to count, I want to count!"
And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek
"Madness", all the other qualities agreed. So
"Madness" leaned against a tree and started to count:
"One, two, three..." As "Madness" counted, the
qualities went hiding.
"Treason" hid in a pile of garbage.. "Lie " said that
it would hide under a stone, but hid at the
bottom of the lake. And Madness continued to count
"... seventy nine, eighty, eighty one..."
By this time, all the qualities were already
hidden-except "Love ". For stupid as "Love " is, he
could not decide where to hide. And this should not
surprise us, because we all know how difficult it is
to hide "Love".
"Madness": "...ninety five, ninety six, ninety
seven..." Just when "Madness" got to one
hundred........."Love" jumped into a rose bush where
he hide.
And Madness turned around and shouted: "I'm coming,
I'm coming!" As Madness turned around, "Laziness" was
the first to be found, because "Laziness" was too lazy
to hide. "Madness" searched madly and found "Lie" at
the bottom of the lake. One by one, Madness found them
all - except Love. Madness was getting desperate,
unable to find Love.
Envious of Love, "Envy" whispered to "Madness ": "You
only need to find Love, and Love is hiding in the rose
bush."
"Madness" Jumped on the rose bush and he heard loud
cry. The thorns in the bush had pierced "Loves" eyes.
Hearing the commotion God came into the room and saw
what had happened. He got very angry and cursed
"Madness" and said since "Love" has become blind
because of u... ..u shall always be with him"
And so it came about that from that day on, Love is
blind and is always accompanied by Madness.
-
It was autumn, and the Red Indians on the remote reservation asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was Going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members Of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He Went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks ike this winter is Going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service Responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more Wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it Going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect Every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," The Man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Red Indians are collecting wood like Crazy."
This is how stock markets work!!!
-
Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"
Moral
Self-induced hangover -- $100.00
Broken furniture -- $2,000.00
Breakfast -- $10.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk - PRICELESS
-
Found these to be funny!!! Enjoy !!!!
Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a military hospital-door to colonoscopy:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan:
" 7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Another Pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."
On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary! . We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't,
you will be."
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a propane filling station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
-
hey Cindy simply all of them especially loved the last one!
Akash glad to see your still sporting my fav avatar and posting great jokes as well...!
ok don't know if someone posted these before but here it goes:
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a Chinese take-out.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is deciding on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is a tarmac drive.
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Love is a flickering flame.
Marriage is a flickering television.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!
In short, Love is blind,
Marriage is an eye opener!!!
-
Cindy, Akash & Querida..those were simply great!! Loved every one of those..
Akash..welcome back, was wondering where U were

-
Akash, the last one of yours makes me smile each time I read it.
Cindy, I loved 'Reshma's' reply!

-
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
-
Querida wrote: |
hey Cindy simply all of them especially loved the last one!
Akash glad to see your still sporting my fav avatar and posting great jokes as well...!
|
Grrrrrr......I thought Daffy was your favorite avatar!
Traitor!
-
Caution: This joke may be a bit offensive to sensitive people.
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two." ; "Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four." ; "Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.
The next day she approached Ms. Jones and told her what happened. The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what he did.
Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."
-
Upcoming IT Movies in Tamil Industry:
Chinna Mouse Periya Mouse
Aathaa Naan Java Certificate Vaangitten
En System En Folder
Engalukkum Offer Varum
Aval oru Programmer
Mouse Magesan
Login Aagaamal Ulle Vaa
Mail Anuppa Neramillai
Paar Monitor-ai Paar
(Java) Padithaal Mattum Podhuma
(EJB) Padithu Vaazha Vendum
Dbase-ilirundu Oracle Varai
Thudikkum (Mouse) Pointer
Saranam Internet (Bakthi padam)
Mouse Koduppaal GUIaambaal (Meena/KR Vijaya as GUIaambaal)
Ithuthaandaa Program (Telugu Dubbing)
PM-a Irundaa Enakkenna (Telugu Dubbing)
Vaishnavi MCA (Vijayashanti)
1000 Dollar Vaangiya Aboorva Bench Period
Link-aagatha Code-um Linkaagum
10-m 10-m 100 (Binary)
Manathil Logic Vendum
Code-kkul Bug
Ulagam Suttrum Analyst
Thedi Vanda Consultant
Thottathellaam Dollar-aagum
-
NM wrote: |
Cindy, Akash & Querida..those were simply great!! Loved every one of those..
Akash..welcome back, was wondering where U were  |
Thanks NM
I dunno if its been posted ......
if it is very boring for you in the office, Here are some tips. Try
atleast few of them:
1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.
2. Make blank calls to your Boss.
3. Send mails from ms-mail to your internet mail (and immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your mail?) and read them there.. And note down the time they take to reach there.
4. Watch other people changing their facial expressions while working and try changing your expressions also..
5. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking silly doubts.
6. Have work breaks in between tea.
7. Revise last week's newspaper.
8. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.
9. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.
10. Compile "How to waste your day"
11. Pick up phone and dial non existing no.s
12. Make faces at strangers in office.
13. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at a time.
14. For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle bin and restore them.
Then repeat this process.
15. Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have looked when(s) he was 5 years old.
16. Learn to whistle.
And if you are still getting bored:
Send a mail to yr College egroups stating you r busy, Every one will say "ME TOO"...
-
Sol and Mort are walking from religious service. Sol wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Mort replies, "Why don't you ask Rabbi Schwartz?"
So Sol goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?"
But Rabbi says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Sol goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him. Mort says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Mort goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which Rabbi Schwartz eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."
==========================
A cop stops a drunkard:
Cop: Where are you going?
Drunk: I'm going to listen to a lecture on effects and harm of alcohol.
Cop: At night? And who will give a lecture?
Drunk: My wife and mother-in-law!
==========================
At weddings old aunts used to tease me saying "You are next, you are next."
But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals...!!
==========================
girl: Will you also love me after marriage?
boy: That really depends on the husband you marry.
==========================
God thought that since he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother.
The devil thought that since he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother-in-law
==========================
Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.
-
Here's NOV back in form !!

-
Akash wrote: |
2. Make blank calls to your Boss. |
I would love to,but from the same office?Then may be you can forget that detective agency.

-
Some of you may have read this already.....
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, those are our working hours".
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack - so can you give me the number for Jack?"
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' on top of my desk and I did so - twice".
-
INTERESTING PHONE CONVERSATION
K-"Who's calling?"
W-"Watt."
K-"What is your name, please?"
W-"Watt's my name."
K-"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
W-"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt,
W-"Is this James Brown?"
K-"No, this is Knott."
W-"Please tell me your name."
K-"Will Knott."
W-Why not?
K-Huh? What do you mean why not?
W-Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
K-But I told you my name!
W-Didn't you say you will not?
K-Not not, knott, Will Knott!
W-That's what I mean.
K-So you know my name.
W-Of course not!
K-Good. So now, what is yours?
W-Watt. Yours?
K-Your name!
W-Watt's my name.
K-How the hell do I know? I am asking you!
W-Look I have been very patient and I have told you my
name and you have not even told me yours yet.
K-You have been patient, what about me? I have told
you my name so many times and it is you who have not
told me yours yet.
W-Of course not!
K-See, you even know my name!
W-Of course not!
K-Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?
W-Because I don't.
[Pause]
K-What is your name?
W-See, you know my name!
K-Of course not!
W-Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
K-To find out your name!
W-But you already know it!
K-What?
W-See, and you know mine!
K-Of course not!
W-Exactly!
K-Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name
is, what will be your answer?
W-Watt's my name.
K-No, no, give me only one word.
W-Watt
K-Your name!
W-Right!
[pause before it hits him]
K-Oh, Wright!
W-Yeah!
K-So why didn't you say it before?
W-I told you so many times!
K-You never said Wright before
W-Of course I did.
K-Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?
W-I do not.
K-Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.
W-I do not!
K-Good!
[pause before it hits him]
W-Oh, Guud!
K-Good.
W-No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
K-No, it's Knott!
W-Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud.
K-Yes Wright.
-
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. SILENCE, THE FINAL FRONTIER: WHERE NO WOMAN HAS GONE BEFORE
2. THE UNDISCOVERED SIDE OF BANKING: MAKING DEPOSITS
3. PARTIES: GOING WITHOUT NEW OUTFITS
4. COMMUNICATION SKILLS (PART I) TEARS - THE LAST RESORT, NOT THE FIRST.
5. COMMUNICATION SKILLS II: THINKING BEFORE SPEAKING
6. COMMUNICATION SKILLS : GETTING WHAT YOU WANT WITHOUT NAGGING
7. DRIVING A CAR SAFELY: A SKILL YOU CAN ACQUIRE
8. TELEPHONE SKILLS: HOW TO HANG UP
9. INTRODUCTION TO PARKING
10. ADVANCED PARKING: BACKING INTO A SPACE
11. COMPLIMENTS:ACCEPTING THEM GRACEFULLY
12. CLASSIC CLOTHING: WEARING OUTFITS YOU ALREADY HAVE
13. OIL AND GAS: YOUR CAR NEEDS BOTH 14. TV REMOTES: FOR MEN ONLY
-
Shekhar wrote: |
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
|
SHEKHAR! HOW DARE U?????
Anyway...
to your jokes and nms' .... 
-
Driving Styles ...
One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
- Sydney
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
- Japan
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...
- Boston
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
- New York
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
- Italy
One hand on horn,
one hand on holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on break,
eyes on females in next car,
- Welcome to INDIA!
-
Quote: |
Grrrrrr......I thought Daffy was your favorite avatar! Traitor! |
yela MM you better not be serious...i can have more than one fav avatar...shame though you are so quick to label... 
-
I don't know what's funnier the joke or how desparate Shekhar is to post a previously posted joke!

-
Querida wrote: |
Quote: | Grrrrrr......I thought Daffy was your favorite avatar! Traitor! |
yela MM you better not be serious...i can have more than one fav avatar...shame though you are so quick to label...  |
I was just kidding Q!
Surely you know that I am the biggest clown around here!
PS: In the future, I will make sure that my posts to you will only be serious and not light-hearted, OkyDokey? 
-
Querida wrote: |
I don't know what's funnier the joke or how desparate Shekhar is to post a previously posted joke!  |
Sorry.. Didn't know it was posted earlier. Somehow I had missed it 
-
Shakthiprabha wrote: |
One hand on horn,
one hand on holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on break,
eyes on females in next car,
- Welcome to INDIA! |
That's y we guys planned to hit F1... 
-
Dating hints for gentlemen
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
-
What I Want in a Man - by WOMEN (in case mandangi gets confused by the title)
Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
-
NOV,
" What I Want in a Man - by WOMEN (in case mandangi gets confused by the title) "
The title is more humourous than the joke.
But, be prepared, you'll be called as 'blunt people' for this pun by our 'extraordinary' hubber 
-
scorpio wrote: |
NOV,
" What I Want in a Man - by WOMEN (in case mandangi gets confused by the title) "
The title is more humourous than the joke.
But, be prepared, you'll be called as 'blunt people' for this pun by our 'extraordinary' hubber  |
The reason I put in that qualifier was becos I didn't want yet another post from mandangi, saying that he cannot agree with the conclusions reached.
Now there is no ambiguity. 
-
NOV, i remember reading the Original versions, those are much more funnier....
Still, Your revised version retains the same fun 
-
Don't remember posting this here...anyway, if its a repeat, sorry...getting old!
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome?
Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Air Italy," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Air Italy?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Air Italy's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they upgraded us to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward
who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

-
NM,

-
scorpio wrote: |
NM,
 |
scorpio....won't you agree yr signature should aptly go to mandangi??

-
NM,

-
Politically correct men
He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.
He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.
He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.
You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.
He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He is not short - he is Anatomically Compact.
He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.
He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.
He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.
He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.

-
Fresh Air
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

-
NM,
Still laughing at yr 'Politically correct men' joke.

-
SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?
TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sea sick.
WIFE: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear n comes out of the other.
HUSBAND: You tell a woman something, it goes in both ears n comes out of the mouth.
MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...and are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend: "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
Teacher: How old is your father?
Pupil: My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot!"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam: "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey n stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Teacher:" Can anybody give n example of COINCIDENCE?"
Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand?"
-
PREGNANCY Q & A!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
-
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice. (ahem NM!)
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
-
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cat's facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
-
[quote="Mad Max"]
Quote: |
I was just kidding Q!
Surely you know that I am the biggest clown around here!
PS: In the future, I will make sure that my posts to you will only be serious and not light-hearted, OkyDokey?  |
Surely i do know you're daffy..but i didn't see your smile >>
<<
ok ok i stand corrected...you post however way you like....just don't forget mr. green when you're teasing.... cause mr. green looks serious when he looks like 
-
Why are married women heavier than single women?
hmmmm?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Oh yeah...

-
What do you call an intelligent, good-looking, sensitive man?
A rumour
-
NOV-san im sorry i don't know where you got those jokes....but well WHO are these women?
that made no sense to me... funny you seem more honest when posting about men...cause i can agree to all those truths..i mean jokes...
What men really are saying:
"I had a wonderful time last night." ==> "Who the hell are you?"
"I've been thinking a lot." ==> "You're not as attractive as when I was
drunk."
"I'll give you a call." ==> "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild
dogs than see you again."
"I'm a Romantic." ==> "I'm poor."
"I think we should just be friends." ==> "You're ugly."
"I have something to tell you." ==> "Get tested."
You're the only girl I've ever cared about==> You are the only girl who
hasn't rejected me.
We've been through so much together ==> If it was not for you, I never
would have lost my virginity.
"I've learned a lot from you." ==> "Next!!!!"
"I want you back" ==> ...for tonight anyway.
"I am different from all the other guys" ==> I am not circumsized.
"I miss you so much" ==> I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look
good.
"Want to snuggle?" ==> I noticed you were almost asleep.
"Do you love me?" ==> I've done something stupid and you might find out.
"Do you *really* love me? ==> I've done something stupid and you're going
to find out sooner or later.
"How much do you love me?" ==>I've done something *really* stupid and
someone's on their way to tell you now.
"I don't know if I like her" ====> She won't sleep with me.
"I really want to get to know you better." ====> So I can tell my friends
about it.
"The car isn't running right." ===>I want a bigger engine and more knobs to
play with.
"My tools are obsolete." ==> I can't figure out how to work the old ones
and the commercial says even a chimp can use the new ones.
"I know where I am." ==> Oh God! Where the HELL am I?
"I need new shoes ==> The pair that I've had since high school fell apart
in the rain.
"The remote is broken." ==> Come here wherever you are and change the
channel for me.
"I'm hungry." ====> Make me something to eat
"This kitchen is so inconvenient." ==> I can't see the tv from here.
"The dishwasher is full." ==> I've run out of places to hide the dirty
dishes.
"It's your decision." ==> I'm totally clueless, so you decide and I'll just
take half the credit.
"We need to talk." ==> I need to complain.
"Sure,... go ahead." ==> I don't want you to....but.... I'll use this next
time we fight, to show how supportive I am.
"You're,... so feminine." (Actually a Question) ==> Do you do laundry...cook...windows...bake?
"Let's be romantic... turn out the lights." ==> Beer gut? What beer
gut?
"You want..." ==> I know what you should want.
"We need..." ==> I want.
"Do what you want and sulk." ==> I'll just sit on the couch.
I'm feeling romantic tonight. ==> There's no game on tonight.
I'm not emotional! And I'm not over-reacting! ==> I'm losing my hair.
-
If they can put one man on the moon, why not all of them?
When a woman makes a fool of a man....it is usually an improvement!
Q: What's the difference between men and pigs? A: Pigs don't turn into men when they're drunk!
Equality is a myth - woman are better!
All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one.
Most men prefer looks to brains because most men see better than they think!
The average man is proof that women can take a joke!
A man who belittles a woman in public is only trying to pull her down to his size.
Q: What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain? A: A widower!
-
WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN - A CONTINUING SERIES
"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out
of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene
gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender,
gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides
white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's
dog drooling.
"Good idea."
Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day
gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my
mind." Really means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and
there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the
first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers
of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
Really means....
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before
I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding
your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with
my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary
companions."
"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are
out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means....
"I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means....
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means....
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk
now."
"It's good beer."
Really means....
"It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed
help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new
one."
"I broke up with her."
Really means....
"She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
-
Querida,
Now, I think NOV will jump back to form again! 
-
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:
"Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple haven't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?"
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."
"And what would my wife do then?"
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
-
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant' she is furious. Here she's about to run for senator of New York and this has happened to her.
She calls the white house, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks
pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
-
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "What the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
-
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old woman would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared her. They believed she practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old woman liked the fact that she was feared. To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 68.
Her husband placed a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The old man put down his drink and said, "Let her dig. I had her buried upside down......."
-
//Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.//////
//If they can put one man on the moon, why not all of them?
//
//What's the difference between men and pigs? A: Pigs don't turn into men when they're drunk//
//"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender,
gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides
white." //
//The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"//

-
It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY
has 365' days.
Typical academic year for a student:
1. Sundays-52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.
2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study.Days left 263.
3. 8 hours daily sleep- 130 days GONE. Days left 141.
4. 1 hour for daily playing- (good for health) means 15 days. Days left 126.
5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing
properly & swallowing)-means 30days. Days left 96.
6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means
15 days. days left 81.
7. Exam days- per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.
8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)-40 days.Balance 6 days.
9. For sickness- at least 3 days. Remaining days=3.
10. Movies and functions - at least 2 days. 1 day left.
11. That 1 day is your birthday.
How can you study on that day??????!!!!!!!!!!
Balance = 0
"How can a student pass ??"
-
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
_________________________________
-
A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want
a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible
hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the
dentist which tooth it is, dear."
**************************************************************
-
Hope Adults jokes are taken in stride...Sorry if found indecent
...if given a clue..would nto be repeated...thx
________________________________________________________________
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his p****s into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion
on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could
see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
p****s into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
----------------------------
-
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will
always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of
them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she
was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a
headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.
Adam asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"
God said "an arm and a leg."
Adam said "What can I get for a just a rib???"
The rest is history.
-----------------------
-
Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how
stupid their wives were.
The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to
the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and
we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is
thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he
laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound
like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every
branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when
I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to
Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least
five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have ! a p****s!"
-
1) Teacher tells a student a=b, b=c implies a=c.Tell me an example.
Student : I love u - u love your daughter - so I love your daughter.
2) Three fastest means of communication -
Telephone - Television - Tell-a-woman
3) Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
-
[quote="Querida"]
Mad Max wrote: |
Quote: | I was just kidding Q!
Surely you know that I am the biggest clown around here!
PS: In the future, I will make sure that my posts to you will only be serious and not light-hearted, OkyDokey?  |
Surely i do know you're daffy..but i didn't see your smile >> <<
ok ok i stand corrected...you post however way you like....just don't forget mr. green when you're teasing.... cause mr. green looks serious when he looks like  |
Mr. Daffy Green has taken a hike for a short while but will make a special appearance for my friend Q.
Now I am Der Wόrger aller Bettlerin Archlφcher, but daffy will be back soon!
[/tscii]
-
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Prison life versus a full-time job
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.
The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves."
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"
-
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: ...You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom mind you): Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sunsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a bathtub in a hotel in San Franscico: Warning: Do not leave faucet running. Tub may overflow.
On dedorant: Warnings: For external use only.
In a manual for an Air Filter that's box says "Never needs filter replacements!": Replace the filter every 2-3 months.
On a saw: Do not put hand under moving saw.
At a ride at an amusement park: This ride may cause motion sickness.
In most error messages you get on a computer: Press 'any' key to continue.
On some electronic devices: Do not operate underwater.
On a hot water heater: Hot water can cause burns.
On an uninstalled outlet: Warning may cause electric shock. Do not stick fingers into open wires.
On a lawn mower: Do not leave child unattended while mowing your lawn.
On a grill used for cooking: Warning. Grill will overheat and cause burns.
On a bottle of lighter fluid: Danger: Flammable
--------------------------------------------------------------
In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
In a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken
Outside a farm: Horse manure 50p per pre-packed bag 20p do-it-yourself
In an office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
On a church door: This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door. This door is kept locked because of the draft. (Please use side door.)
Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: If not back by five, out for dinner also
Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the district council.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
At a motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
In a health-food shop window: Closed due to illness
Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car
Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor
Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons
On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
Norfolk farm gate: Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left
In a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below
-
Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms
IBM
I Blame Microsoft
Idiots Buy Me
Idiots Building Machines
I'll Buy Macintoshes
It Bit Me
It Built Microsoft
It's Better Manually
I've Been Mislead
I've Been Mugged
WINDOWS
Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed
When I Need Data Output Without Speed
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
WIN
Whoppingly Immense NOP
Worm Infestation Netware
MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT
My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology
Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally
Different Operating Systems Expectations:
Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get
MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It
UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno
VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not
Random Abbreviations for Many Computer Companies
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
DEC: Dump Everything and Close
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic
HP: Hot Pursuit
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
MAC: Most Absurd Computer
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WARP: What A Rot Program
Acronymns for Other Computer Terms:
AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
DOS: Defective Operating System
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
SCSI: System Can't See It
WWW: World Wide Wait
-
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang, "Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year."
so, what were you expecting huh?
-
The great Indian English!!
1. A CANDIDATE'S APPLICATION :
" This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'TYPIST AND AN ACCOUNTANT - MALE OR FEMALE' .... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post."
2. AN EMPLOYEE'S LEAVE APPLICATION :
" Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one week leave."
3. ANOTHER EMPLOYEE APPLIED FOR HALF A DAY LEAVE :
" Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave."
4. A LEAVE LETTER TO THE HEADMASTER:
" As I am studying in this school I am suffering from head-ache. I request you to leave me today."
5. A STAFF MEMBER TO THE HEADMASTER :
"I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the class."
6. PAINING LETTER TO THE BOSS:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day".
7. RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH :
" As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it. Please grant me 10 days leave."
-
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there
was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much I dropped my electric
shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the
confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned my thighs, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Oh, these women drivers!!!
-
here's my little contribution on behalf of our misunderstood Canadians eh?
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and
watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Canada?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it.
Sure, the hipporacing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come
naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is....oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every
Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, right after the hippo
races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, We don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. )(USA)
A: It's called a moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the
brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
>Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
>A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
-
Q! NICE!

-
Men & Women in the Business World
a successful man is aggressive
a successful woman is pushy
he's good on details
she's picky
he loses his temper because he's so involved with his job
she's bitchy
when he's depressed (or hangover) everyone tiptoes past his office
she's moody, so it must be her "Time of the month"
he follows through
she doesn't know when to quit
he stands firm
she's hard
he drinks because of the excessive job pressure
she's a lush
he isn't afraid to say what he thinks
she's mouthy
he exercises authority diligently
she's power-crazy
he's close-mouthed
she's secretive
he climbed the ladder of success
she slept her way to the top
he's a stern taskmaster
she's hard to work for
-
A Fairytale For The Assertive Woman Of The 2000's
Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
A beautiful, independent,
self assured princess,
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap
and said:
" Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young Prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night,
on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought:
"I don't think so!"

-
Ha!!!
Ratchasi is back in business!!
Poor little frog! I hope it wasn't NOV!!

-
JG,
You seem to have mastered the knack of inviting yr own BLONKS!! 
-
what to do ?
I suffer from OCMC syndrome!!
Obsessive Compulsive Male Chauvinism!!!
8)
-
No Jaiganesh, you got me wrong; I'm a good sport (I hope!).
Good one AR. had me
Here's one for you....
A drunk who smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
He sat down next to a priest. He opened his newspaper and started reading; a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong-how long have you had arthritis"?
"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it".
-
JG, I can always change the frog to a prarie.
Are you still suffering from OCMC?
NOV, that was
a good one!
-
ratchasi ji !
OCMC is congenital!!
It cannot be cured! blonks on head may lessen the symptom but the dosage of last set of blonks administered by NM was too heavy and as a result increased immunity has been observed in the specimen.
If it were a prarie, the princess would have chosen to kiss rather than kill !!!

-
JG, I am afraid I have to break the news to you.
You poor boy/prarie.
As you are suffering from a congenital disease, I am afraid it is highly unlikely your fantasy would ever take place. No matter how hard you wish! 
-
Ratchasi wrote:
Quote: |
As you are suffering from a congenital disease, I am afraid it is highly unlikely your fantasy would ever take place. No matter how hard you wish! |
There are other praries that do not have OCMC!! I was referring to them!!!
In fact it would have been the princess who would have been begging the prarie to marry her! and hardly the other way round!!

-
Some tid bits for men who are contemplating marriage....
~~~~~
Happiness
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
~~~~~
Longevity
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
~~~~~
Memory
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
~~~~~
Propensity To Change
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
~~~~~
Discussion Technique
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
~~~~~
Comprehension
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
~~~~~
-
Jai,I will take this home to my wife without changing a word.
later on you can meet her with this joke
(fact pa
) as your introduction 
-
Cinefan ji wrote:
Quote: |
later on you can meet her with this joke (fact pa ) as your introduction
|
And All along i was under the impression that you are my friend!!! blonks on the net hurts . never kills, real time blonks can be quite dangerous!!!!
-
Why this sudden 'Ji',I am not Ajit yaar,I am ....(you know)
.Anyways just joking.I will continue to remain your friend(hand on heart).
-
jaiganes wrote: |
ratchasi ji !
OCMC is congenital!!
It cannot be cured! blonks on head may lessen the symptom but the dosage of last set of blonks administered by NM was too heavy and as a result increased immunity has been observed in the specimen.
If it were a prarie, the princess would have chosen to kiss rather than kill !!!  |
Oh! Dear! Jai, really sorry abt the blonks!!!
Didn't know it hurt you so bad
But guess it's worth it for you to remember for ever.......
& legacy to be passed on to scorpio, my next best blonk queen...
By the way, A.R ...love your post!!Just had time to read it!!
Wonder who's the frog, then

-
NM wrote :
Quote: |
legacy to be passed on to scorpio, my next best blonk queen...
|
Yeah! She is the right person for that job now that she is trained by Thamizh naattu poleees!!!

-
seeing how recently hubbers are interested in boss bashing or how to get to their boss-bashing centre i thought i'd post some job-related jokes
Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."
-
An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" asked the architect and artist in unison.
The engineer replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume that you are spending time with the other woman, so you can go to the office and get some work done."
-
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone."
The man below said, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
-
The Rules of Bureaucracy
1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
3. A penny saved is an oversight.
4. Information deteriorates upward.
5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.
8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
-
hope no one thinks i'm posting too many...just wanted to share the laughter
MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
-
Very clever indeed querida!
You diverted the thread and saved me from blonks!!
Thanks very much . You are a life saver!!!
Long live querida!!!

-
Querida,

-
Shekhar wrote: |
The great Indian English!!
1. A CANDIDATE'S APPLICATION :
" This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'TYPIST AND AN ACCOUNTANT - MALE OR FEMALE' .... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post."
2. AN EMPLOYEE'S LEAVE APPLICATION :
" Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one week leave."
3. ANOTHER EMPLOYEE APPLIED FOR HALF A DAY LEAVE :
" Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave."
4. A LEAVE LETTER TO THE HEADMASTER:
" As I am studying in this school I am suffering from head-ache. I request you to leave me today."
5. A STAFF MEMBER TO THE HEADMASTER :
"I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the class."
6. PAINING LETTER TO THE BOSS:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day".
7. RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH :
" As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it. Please grant me 10 days leave." |
Yea.. i have this in my collection... and 3 more...
8. A covering note
"I am enclosed herewith..."
9. A leave application again
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at
home I may be granted leave".
10. Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
-
A female teacher shouting at a college boy,"Yesterday you lied with me,today you are going to lie with me?

-
A Guru was travelling with his sishya (disciple) in a bullock-cart. He needed to rest, so he instructed his disciple to watch the things in the cart and see if anything fell out, and went to sleep. After some time, the road became bumpy and some items fell off. The disciple obeying his guru's instructions, 'watched' what fell out by staring at them until they were out of sight!
When the Guru woke up, he saw the pale face of the disciple. The
Guru asked what had happened. The disciple faithfully related the incident. The Guru patiently explained to the sishya that if anything fell out of the cart, he must stop, pick it up and throw it back in the cart!
The Guru went to sleep again. Shortly afterwards one of the bulls relieved itself. The disciple, executing his guru's words to the letter, collected the dung and threw it in the cart. It landed on the Guru's face, who woke up and realising his disciple's foolishness, became angry. He decided to write down on a paper all the things that were to be collected if they fell off.
The journey continued. After sometime on a sharp bend, the guru himself was thrown out of the cart. The disciple got alarmed. He didn't know what to do.. He checked the list, and not finding the Guru's name on it.he left him lying down and proceeded on the journey.
-
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to a call on an emergency delivery.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his butt again."
-
Caution: A little disgusting!
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep.
All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl
standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for God's sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"
-
Aiyo NOV at the end of the joke I had to run to the rest room to 'cluck' HAHAHAHAHAAA 
-
some political jokes.....
Pearly Gates
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore perish in an airplane crash, and arrive in heaven to find God on his throne. When God asks Gore what he believes in, Gore answers,"well, I believe that the internal combustion engine is the root of all evil, and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole Earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God says, "OK, come and sit at my left".
Then God asks Clinton what he believes in. "Well", says Clinton, "I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should be able to tell someone else what to do". God nods and says ,"come and sit at my right".
Then He asks, "Bill Gates, what do you believe?" "I believe," says Gates, "you're in My chair".
-
18+ Proceed with caution ......
Man on The Moon
Ed: Can this be true or is it an Urban Myth?
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr.Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. A few years back, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.
Mr.Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr.Gorsky.
"Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
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Back to normal joke mode
Electric Chair
A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting
to go in the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner,
strapping him in.
"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and
nothing happened.
Under this particular State's law, if an execution attempt fails, the
prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.
Then the biologist was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it."
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the
biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over,
you might make this thing work."
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Different types of government
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows..
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."
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Jaiganes:
With your permission... would like to add these to the list
Bushism: You have two cows. You invade Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran for more cows.
Blairism: You have no cows but support America in the war. You clean up the mess and cow dung but the Americans get all the cows.
Congressism: You have totally 220 white cows. Some minority red cows from other farms give you milk and dictate terms as to who you sell all your milk to.
Lalooism: You have a few cows. You buy them fodder on government money and the scam trial runs for ever. The cows are armed and dangerous. You enjoy their milk.
Jayaism: You have some cows. They prostrate before you every day (they can do this as none have a backbone). You milk the people and give it to your cows to drink.
BJPism: You had some cows. You either burnt them or "demolished" them and they are gone now. You keep saying that you still have them but no one believes in you.
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:lol ts the congressism, lalooism and BJP ism were hilarious.
the best one of the lot was blairism!!! 
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jaiganes wrote: |
Long live querida!!!
 |
Your welcome
ahem don't know about long live...cause i don't even know if i would like to live thaaaat long...enough to be incapable of taking care of myself...
on the same topic:
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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Holy cow jaiganesh and ts!

-
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE' WHEN.............
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
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Q!
the pine tree joke was hilarious! It showed the immaturity of youth.
The second joke was something I couldn't laugh about. I remembered my late grandmother.
Quote: |
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. |
This was sadly so true...
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-deleted-
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good for you kukubird!
But you post it in a different thread, coz for anything posted here our standard response is ....
Dont mistake me....
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kukubird wrote: |
gandi's grandson is living in Virginia. we met. he is in his 60 i think i saw in airforce base there. he works there as a scientist. this is not a joke. i'm dead serious.  |
Think, Kukubird wud have thought its a GOOD JOKE 
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//gandi's grandson is living in Virginia. we met. he is in his 60 i think i saw in airforce base there. he works there as a scientist. this is not a joke. i'm dead serious. //
kukubird ....why did u ever think of writing this here!!!
BEATS ME!!
May be just she was too confused to see SOME FACTS
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Not sure if this is the right thread but still jokes need not be only for laughter, it can make us think too...
For eligible bachelors like JG, Sandeep, Akash et al working in IT, this is a must read!
A Story about Onsite...s!
One fine day, Vivek's PL Bhatia asks him whether he has any time for a small meeting. Vivek obviously has time and so the two go to a conference room. Bhatia then clears his throat and says "Vivek, there is an on-site requirement. It is in Covina, Los Angeles. It is for six months. I can suggest your name. Do you have any problems?"
Vivek cannot believe his ears. Of course why should any one have
problems going to the Sam land. "Of course no Bhatia.. I have no
problems." he says. Bhatia looks at him very kindly and says "You
better draw up your personal plans with your wife and let me know in a day or two" That's when Vivek remembers that he has a wife.
Then it strikes him that there is a himalayan problem in front of him. Shobana is working in Wipro. She is in the middle of a project in which she is a moduleleader. She cannot leave it all and come to Covina with Vivek. On the otherhand it will be cruel on Vivek's part to leave her here and go to Covina for more than half a year. Moreover, they have just been married. Vivek can stay back. But one day he has to go.. He cannot stay back in India indefinitely. Project requirements are too demanding. Shobana can resign Wipro and accompany Vivek. But what is the guarantee that she would find such a nice job in such a nice company after they come back from Covina?
So Shobana and Vivek discuss this issue. They reluctantly agree to get separated for six months. Vivek hugs Shobana in the airport and says "I will be BACK" in a typical Arnold Scharzegger tone and then boards Delta Airways leaving Shobana in tears.
In Covina Vivek gets lots of work and his stay gets extended by two more months. The days and months move very slowly. Vivek starts counting even minutes. During this period, Shobana's PL Ashish Mehta calls her one day and asks her whether she has any time for a small meeting. Shobana wonders what that meeting is.. They go to the conference room and Mehta tells her about a great on-site requirement in Berlin, Germany for their customer. "It is for six months and you are most suited person for this. I am going to suggest your name. Do you have any problems?" Mehta asks her. Shobana gets excited.. Berlin! She has never been out
of India. So she instantly nods her head. Mehta then smiles and says "Okay discuss with your hubby and let me know in a day or two"
That's when Shobana gets the gravity of the situation. It will be two months before Vivek can come home..... By the time Shobana will have left to Berlin for six months. Shobana cannot decline this as this is an important assignment. That night Vivek spends hundred dollars on telephone to discuss this matter with Shobana. Finally they decide to go ahead. Shobana breaks down in the phone and Vivek breaks down thinking about his phone bill. And then Shobana leaves to Berlin.
One month after that,Vivek comes back to India. Then Shobana calls him almost everyday and they discuss about all petty things on the phone. Shobana applies for a loan to clear her telephone bills.
Vivek gets into a new project which is not yet started. His PL Prateek Ray calls him one day and says that he has to go to Toledo Ohio for the requirement analysis of that project. Vivek frantically says no. Shobana is arriving next month. He doesn't want to miss her. But Ray assures him that the work is only for one month and that he would be back before Shobana comes to India. Thus Vivek flies to Toledo Ohio and gets into the requirement analysis of the new project. That's when he comes to know how difficult it is to retrieve information from the users. You can design a system the user wants only when the user knows what he wants. Vivek gets baffled by the questions his users put.. "Do you think I need those fields "GMG_TYPE_HJHJ_TW" and "Auto_level_ind"? What are they by the way?" The requirements analysis stage continues for three full months at this pace. Shobana comes to India one month after
that. And she tells her PL that she doesn't want anymore on-site
assignments. "I understand" says Mehta and she desperately waits for Vivek to come back to India. It has already been two months over a year since they last met.
Vivek then gets the role of an on-site co-ordinator for this customer. He calls Shobana that night and they really don't know what to do.Shobana offers to resign her job and join him in Toledo. But she is getting 21 grand per month in India and Vivek doesn't want to lose that. "Two more months Shobana and I promise I will be back" Shobana retorts back, "There is no solution for this problem." Vivek gets surprised. "What are you talking about?" he asks her. Shobana fights back her tears. "As long as I am in Wipro I will be getting a lot of on-site opportunities. Even if I decline all of them, what about you? You also work for a software company and there you need to go abroad almost once every quarter. I cannot accompany you as you don't want me to resign my job here. Does that mean we have to stay like this forever? Vivek! I love you and I don't know how I spent fifteen months without even seeing you once. I may not recognize you also if you come in front of me now... Tell me Vivek, is there a solution for this problem?"
Vivek doesn't speak anything for a moment. He then realizes the truth in her sentences. It is a neverending problem. But what about the 20 grand she is getting per month?"Vivek, is money everything? Can't we comfortably live with what you are getting? Please Vivek, try to understand the situation" Shobana breaks
down. Vivek is still undecided. He married a software engineer with a hope that with two incomes he would have a good deal of money to plan their future.
"Let us face the reality, Vivek" Shobana says, "How much are you paying for the phone calls now? More than 20 grand per month. If I am with you there will your phone bill be so astronomical? Just tell me one thing. Won't you be happy having me there with you?" Shobana slowly turns hysterical.
Vivek gets into the crux of the situation. It is true. He has been
spending around 600 to 700 dollars per month on India calls... that is far more than what Shobana is getting then. He thinks and thinks.. for two days he does nothing else but thinking. Finally he decides that he should have Shobana with him all the time from then onwards at any cost. Shobana gladly prepares the resignation letter and submits it. Her PL smiles and says "You've made the right decision Shobana..
Congratulations for the bold step. I understand your problems. Anyway!you have a three months notice period here, right? We have a one month assignment in Singapore..."
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Moral of the story !
1. Never crib over the phone when you can send a card over email!
2. Never marry a software engineer from Wipro
3. Even if you marry, make her resign.
4. Never accept requirement analysis as a task.
5. If you don't agree, better don't get married and enjoy a happy life.
It is tying the knot. yes the difference is it is tied around your neck dude!!
scorpio akka !! enna idhu?
viveknu aarambicheengala edho nalla comedyaa irukkumnu paarthaaa.....
Irundhaalum ....
My standard response ....
ensoy ..
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Enpa JG, warn pannittu thaane post pannen?
Last line padichu soga sirippu sirikarathu thaane??
Ennathu akkava ? okay-da thamby!
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The story goes that when Bill Gates was in India, he saw the common
people facing problems related to Windows terminology. He announced
that Microsoft had plans to release a Windows 2005 version in Hindi.
Here are some Windows related terms that will be used in the Hindi
version of Khirkiyan 2005.
Phaail - File
Bachao - Save
Aise bachao - Save as
Subko bachao - Save All
Mujhe bachao - Help
Chuno - Select
Sab chuno - Select All
Dhoondo - Find
Hilao - Move
Dakiya - Mailer
Paas se dhekho - Zoom
Door se dhekho - Zoom Out
Kholo - Open
Band karo - Close
Naya - New
Badli karo - Replace
Bhaago - Run
Chaapo - Print
Dekh ke chaapo - Print Preview
Kaapi - Copy
Kaato - Cut
Chipkao - Paste
Ispesal chipkao - Paste Special
Goli maaro - Delete
Nazaara - View
Auzaar - Tools
Auzaar ka dabba - Toolbar
Khuli chaadar - Spreadsheet
Iska bhi naam nahin aata - Database
Ghusao - Insert
Ped - Tree
Thooso - Compress
Chooha - Mouse
Tik-tik karo - Click
Idhar-se-udhar, udhar-se-idhar - Scrollbar
Chal phoot - Exit.
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Cindy,
especially- Iska bhi naam nahin aata - Database

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Kukubird,
You are in Bengal. And I think it is still in India. For Heaven's sake, you should know spelling of Mahatma Gandhi.
May be you also think Sonia Gandhi is his daughter.

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Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not
looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus.
Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
The money is always greener in the other guy's wallet.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.
She Who MUST be obeyed
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.
I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a pay check.
When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
My reality check bounced.
I love my cat. My cat does not care.
If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.
My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.
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Funny quotes:
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
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Scorpio!!
Funny thing is when these statements were made, nobody thought too much about their funny side. They were pretty much "Tubelights" then. Am I correct scorpio akka?
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jaiganes wrote: |
Scorpio!!
Funny thing is when these statements were made, nobody thought too much about their funny side. They were pretty much "Tubelights" then. Am I correct scorpio akka? |
I would use the term "Sodium Vapour Lamps" 
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Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
who told you to write about me? 
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<><><><><><><>
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years. He went to the doctor and the
doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the
doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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Quote: |
I've changed my will three times! |
Serious FUN!!!!!
lol
good one NM!
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jaiganes wrote: |
Quote: | I've changed my will three times! |
Serious FUN!!!!!
lol good one NM! |
Yeah, wasn't it!!
That's the trick!!!

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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of
the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's
the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets and remember,
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways - cognac in one hand - cigar in the other - and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride
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Shekhar!!!
I agreee!
BTW there are some female Dr.Lecters who are preparing a recipe based on you. better be careful my friend! 8)
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A priest, a doctor and a fresh engineer die and go the heavens gate, they hear gods voice and it says "My sons i am really very sorry but the heaven is full and i can accommodate only one of u. so to choose the rightful person one by one tell me what u have done in ur
lifetime."
The priest goes up first and says "well god i am a priest i am ur humble servent and have spent all my life working to spread ur message".
The doctor goes up next and says "well i am a doctor and i have helped
thousands of people recover from there illnesses and saved countless lives".
The engineer goes up and says "well I worked as a s/w engineer and...." before the engineer could say any further the heavens' gate opened and god came out with tears in his eyes and said to the engineer "Say no more my son come with me b'coz u have already been through hell."
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Shekhar,
!
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Akash,
Enna sontha kathai soga kathai-ya??
Anyway, one more on software,
There was a lemon squeezing competition. All heavy-weights and wrestlers participated. The competition was to squeeze out one drop of juice from a completely squeezed out lemon. All heavy weights and wrestlers tried but failed even to extarct a single drop of juice. There came a man, well dressed and who looked like a rat near an elephant compared to those muscle-men. He walked on stage, took the lemon and squeezed it without effort. Wow, not one, but many drops of juice came out.
The audience were surprised. The judge asked him what was his profession. He said calmly with a smile,
I am a PROJECT MANAGER!
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My PM claims that he can extract blood out of lemons.
That guy must have been from Infosys. 
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RUN movie song....
Theradi vediyil Devadai vanthaal.......
Think IT guys will like it.....
nadurathiriyil enthiruchi office pona
HCLnu therinjuko
Vidiye kalaiyil veetuku vanthal
CTSnu therinjuko
Pale mail panniyum reply pannalya
TCSnu therinjiko
Ambathu mailuku oru reply adicha
Accenturenu therinjuko
Velai kidachum vettiya ukkantha
Mascon'nu therinjuko
Daily thanni adichu velaiku pona
Hexawarenu therinjuko
> Innavum solren therinjiko Decode panni purinjiko Vaada machchan
> Programmer aaite tan-ta tan-taen Paithiyam pudichi munnuku vanthutte
> tan-ta tan-taen
>
> Vella illanaa kavala vendaam TCS irukkuthu therinjuko, Oh yea, VP poNNa
> lovve panna neraya poi sollanum therinjuko, Oh yea, Career illadha
> cycledhanda Corporate Worldnu therinjuko, Deadline kooda Mega serial
> poola ezhuluthu adikanum therinjiko, innummum solren therunjuko Code
> eluthi purinjuko
>
> Vaada machchan Programmer aaite
> Paithiyam pudichi inge vanthutte
>
> immsai immsaiyo mo, Oh yae! immsai immsaiyo mo, Oh yae!
> immsai immsai, immsai immsai, Don't go!
>
> TL vandhu sirichu pesunaa Velai varudhunu therinjiko, cauvery poala
> Hike thara maruththa Wipro technu therunjuko,dharalamaa Salary
> koduthaal Verizonnu therunjuko, HR dept'la irundhu call vandhaal
> Confirm aagitaaruu therinjiko, innummum solrean therunjuko Treat
> kodduththu therunjukoa vaadaa machchan ...
> vaadaa machchan Programmer aagite
> kirukku pudichu inge vandhute!
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jaiganes wrote: |
My PM claims that he can extract blood out of lemons.
That guy must have been from Infosys.  |
No, must be from Verison

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Akash,
'Song satires'nnu namma NOV-voda oru thread TFM page-la irukku. Pl. post this song there too!
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Akash!
That was a laugh riot.!!!

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Shekhar, Akash....

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Akash wrote: |
A priest, a doctor and a fresh engineer die and go the heavens gate, they hear gods voice and it says "My sons i am really very sorry but the heaven is full and i can accommodate only one of u. so to choose the rightful person one by one tell me what u have done in ur
lifetime."
The priest goes up first and says "well god i am a priest i am ur humble servent and have spent all my life working to spread ur message".
The doctor goes up next and says "well i am a doctor and i have helped
thousands of people recover from there illnesses and saved countless lives".
The engineer goes up and says "well I worked as a s/w engineer and...." before the engineer could say any further the heavens' gate opened and god came out with tears in his eyes and said to the engineer "Say no more my son come with me b'coz u have already been through hell." |
Actually there was one more person with them and he was the town bus driver. He was the one admitted, for the simple reason, he made many people to pray for their lives.
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NOV, good sense of Humour

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A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the
motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart
surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side,
waiting for the service manager to come to take a look
at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to
the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his
hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor,
look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out,
grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this
will work as a new one. So how come you get the big
money, when you and me is doing basically the same
work?" The doctor leaned over and whispered to the
mechanic.... "Try to do it when the engine is running!!!"
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scorpio wrote: |
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the
mechanic.... "Try to do it when the engine is running!!!" |

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Scorpio, that was a good one

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That was a good one scorpio!!
Great going...
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For a change, lets have some spiritual fun....
Zen Joke
So the Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says: "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master. The hot dog vendor responds: "Change must come from within."
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JG,

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JG........
"Change must come from within" 
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A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so I'm sorry, my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick, and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.
Tooth extraction
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
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Akash love that song! 8)
Jaiganesh, NOV-san and Scorpio thanx for brightening up my dull and snow-stormy day 
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I donno if this joke has been told here already...
A few dating terms explained
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and
energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially
like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man
that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many
women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's
eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some
flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man,usually interpreted by the
man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often
than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
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NOV ji!!
Quote: |
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick, and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.
|
Ha ha haaaaa
Haiyyo!
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one more:
Strong Young ManThe strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
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The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
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politically correct ways to say someone is stupid
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
how many angels could dance on his head?
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I got almost killed reading this joke!
bitter person's horoscope
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces screw small animals and pick their noses.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a pain in the butt.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You are quick and intellectual, and are a thinker. People like you because you are a bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap *******. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth ****. You are a butthead.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Most Libra women are whores. They are known as the world's greatest liars, although they pretend innocence and lack of guilt. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting duped.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
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A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!
****************
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
**************
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
****************
A new principal was walking around the school. When he passed by this one classroom he heard a lot of noise, he went in, grabbed the tallest kid who seemed to be making the most noise and ordered him to be quiet and put him in the hallway and told him to stay there.
The principal then went in the classroom to yell at the kids. When he was done, he asked if there were any questions. A girl raised her hand and asked if they could have their teacher back. The principal asked where the teacher was. She said .. he is in the hallway !
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Physics Exam
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work uut the height of the skyscraper.
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqrroot (l/g).
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.
But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Nils Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes
her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches
makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
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kuku!
You must be a blonde then!!!
No offense!
It is the finger that is hurting and she is using that finger to push other parts of body. Obviously the broken finger is going to hurt further! but our heroine doesn't understand that! 
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Kukubird. Great!! We need more like you on this hub

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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue & violet. The old man stared at him.
Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring.
Finally, the teenager said sarcastically: "What's the matter, old boy, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without missing a beat the old man replied:" Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. Just wondering if you were my son."
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A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a
farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," spoke the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are
considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
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New Daffy-nitions
ADULT : A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL : Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS : The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE : A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST : Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST : Someone me-deep in conversation
GOSSIP : A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more
damage.
HANDKERCHIEF : Cold Storage.
INFLATION : Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO : An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN : Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET : Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON : A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE : The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW : One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN : An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES : Something other people have. You have character lines.
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NOV,
My four-year-old likes to say the blessing at mealtimes, usually repeating the same short prayer: "Thank you, God, for this gracious food. Amen."
One evening, however, he thanked the Lord for the birds, the trees, each of his friends, and asked God to watch over his family and help them to be good. I was thrilled that he was finally praying from the heart.
But after the "Amen," he took a spoonful of stew, gasped, then dropped his spoon into the bowl. "I should have said a longer prayer," he said. "My food is still too hot."
**************************
Linda: "What's that you're reading?"
Jill: "A diary."
Linda: What's in it?
Jill: "I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and confidential affair, It has important secret dreams and secret yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared lightly with other people. And besides, this diary belongs to Margaret."
**************************
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"
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A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard
times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to
spend it on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are
you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens
fees, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him
for a home cooked meal.
The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the
man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.
"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like
me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want
her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble
or play golf."
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kuku!
As always, you are most welcome.
so u haven't grown up from watching "Dexter's Lab" huh? That annoying sister didi!! 
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abt your avatar kuku! do u know what it is?
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You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Eighty percent of married women cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
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SCHOOL SCIENCE QUIZ
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (for example, abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
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Minute Management Lessons
Lesson 1
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the **** of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but to his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you did such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job ?"
The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with ****, but now you ask me to make decisions !"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lesson 2
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man.
The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot
to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question,"What can it do?"
To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss !"
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Banta's Accident
"How did the accident happen?" asked the doctor.
"Well," explained Banta, "I was making love to my girlfriend on the living room rug when, all of a sudden, the chandelier came crashing down on us."
"Fortunately, you've only sustained some minor lacerations on your buttocks," the doctor said. "You're a very lucky man."
"You said it, doctor," injured Banta replied. "A minute sooner and it would have fractured my skull."
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Walking into the post office, Joe saw a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter busily placing 'love' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then removed a perfume bottle from his pocket and started spraying the scent on the envelopes.
Jack was overcome with curiosity and asked the man what he was doing.
"I'm sending out 1000 Valentine cards signed 'Guess Who'," the man explained.
"Why?" asked Jack.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.
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Points to Ponder
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
NAIVE
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Why no one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If I played a blank tape at full blast, Would the mime next door go nuts ?
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Work = Force x Distance
W=FD
According to Newton,
Force = Mass x Acceleration
F=MA
By Substitution,
Work = Mass x Acceleration x Distance
Work = MAD
-
Some important questions if you are preparing for a Java interview
Q. What is the difference between an Abstract class and Interface?
A. Terms are different nothing more
Q. What do you know about the garbage collector ?
A. A person who clean the dust bin.
Q. Explain RMI Architecture?
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.
Q. How do you communicate in between Applets & Servlets ?
A. If they are reachable by walk ,I will go in person, else I will use phone.
Q. What is the use of Servlets ?
A. In hotels ,they can replace servers
Q. What is the difference between Process and Threads ?
A. Threads are small ropes.Make a rope from threads is an example for process
Q. What is the order of method invocation in an Applet ?
A. Either ascending or desending.
Q. When is update method called ?
A. Who is update method?
Q. Have you ever used HashTable and Dictionary ?
A. There is a Dictionary named Hash in my table.
Q. What is JAR file ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.
Q. What is JNI ?
A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.
Q. What is the base class for all swing components ?
A. A glass that can be beneath all and which is very rigid.
Q. What is JFC ?
A. Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee
Q. What is Difference between AWT and Swing ?
A. AWT is an acronym .Swing is a word.
Q. How will you call an Applet from a Java Script?
A. I will give invitation.
Q. Why do you Canvas ?
A. To get victory in election.
Q. How you can know about drivers and database information?
A. I will go and enquire in the bus depot.
Q. What is serialization ?
A. Arranging one after ther other from left to right.
Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.
Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
A. Non living things can not communicate.
Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA ?
A. As you wish ,I do not have any objections.
Q. What are virtual functions ?
A. Functions about which we are dreaming.
Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
A. When we sow a binary seed,a binary tree will grow.
Q. What is the exact difference in between Unicast and Multicast object ?
A. If in a society ,if there is only one caste ,then it is Unicast, Else it is multicast.
Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server ? Which methodology will follow ?
A. Send it through courier.
Q. What is meant by flickering ?
A. Closing and opening of eyes at girls.
Q. What is meant by distributed Application ?
A. Distributing application forms
Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.
-
Dear Microsoft Technical Support:
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began giving unexpected errors and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Cricket 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Sports Bar 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend7.0 but uninstall doesn't work
on this program.
With regards,
Joe
---------------------------------------------------------------------
THE REPLY FROM MICROSOFT: -
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
designed by its creator to run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and
it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under alimony Support and Solicitors Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: \I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating
system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as
Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances install Secretary36.24.36 (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported
application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
Thank you for using the program!!
With regards,
Bill
P.S. In no case try to install the free software (Mother-in-Law 1.0) that comes with WIFE 1.0 operating system. Installing the software would lead to Not Responding messages from Wife1.0 operating system
-
-deleted-
-
Some Juvenile stuff
I wrote your name on sand it, got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
I wrote your name on my heart
I got heart attack
God saw me hungry, he created pizza
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created you
Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far
The rain makes all things beautiful
The grass and flowers too
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
Roses are red, violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in the cage, but laughing at you.
When your life is in darkness
Pray to God ask him to free you from darkness
And if after you pray and you're still in darkness
Please pay your electricity bill
-
Cindy, NOV,
Cindy,
I am thinking of printing and distributing Java quiz to my team members!
-
Different Aspects of Marketing
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich, I want to marry you."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback
-
GOOD ONE VELAN.
-
HOW CLEVER ARE YOU GO AHEAD AND CHECK THIS OUT...
Below are 4 questions. Answer them instantly. You
can't take your time.
Answer them immediately. No pencil or paper! OK?
Let's find out just how smart and clever you really
are. Ready? ... GO!!!
FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?
ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are
Absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person
And you take his place, you are second! Try not to
Screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much
time as you took for the first question.
(You know you took too much time.)
SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then
you are...?
ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last,
then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you
overtake the LAST person?!
THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must be
done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or
a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?
ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is
actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is
definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last
question right?
LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters:
Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The
fifth daughter's name is Mary.
Read the question again.
-
NOV,
Customer feedback was great!
Cindy,
Good ones, though I answered them all! Really, believe me!!
-
-deleted-
-
Doubt in Mahabaratha
village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat Katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.
Masterji: 'Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child
is going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n
devki behind the bars.
First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning...
Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak
Third one is born...'
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji,
I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)
'Ramu bete, whole indiadoes not have doubt in mahabharata then
how come u have one?'
Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going
to Kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?
Masterji fainted.........................no answer.....
-
-deleted-
-
Bush: I want to show you the golden old technologies of US. Come with me. (He takes him to a deep forest).
Bush Dig the ground down to 100 feet (Indian did it).
Bush: So now, see if you find anything.
Indian: I see a wire.
Bush: You know, it shows that even 100 years ago, we used to have telephones. (Indian got ..Grrrrr...
), but anyway he invited him to his place in India.
The very next year, Bush visited his place.
The Indian said, Sir its time for me to show you were India stood in olden days. He takes him to a deep forest and asks him to dig down to 400 feet, and Bush did that.
Indian: What do you find there?
Amused, Bush said, "i see nothing here..."
So, Guess what...even 400 years ago, we used to have wireless technology.!
8)
-
My dear FAIR and LOVELY (chand ka tukda),
You are my TVS SCOOTY (First love) and my AIWA (pure passion). I always BPL (believe in the best) and you are SANSUI (better than the best). You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (delivering a million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (seriously fresh) feeling for me. I want you to be my life partner, but i think you are worried about your father who is a KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER ( the unshakable) and my fahter who is a CEAT (born tough), but don't worry, as i am also a FORD IKON (the josh machine) and rest of our family members are pretty KELVINATORS (the coolest ones). If our fathers say no, we will run away and marry, and PHILIPS (lets make things better). They will feel MIRINDA (zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) and i believe COCA-COLA (jo chahe ho jaye). Trust in God who's always NOKIA (connecting people) who love each other, and do not forget that we are WILLS (made for each other). Now that HYUNDAI (we are listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (real taste of life), SATYAM ONLINE (fun fast easy) and PARX (always comfortable). Expecting your reply.
I could write only a little today, but actually PEPSI (yeh dil mange more!).
LG (digitally yours),
XYZ.
-
Two men, hehewalrus and Shekhar were sentenced to die on the same day for sabotaging serious threads. They were led down to the room where the electric chair was. The Admn had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by NOV, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. NOV, turning to hehewalrus, solemnly asked, "Dude, do you have a last request?"
hehewalrus replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love music. Could you please get me Querida to sing for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied NOV.
Then he turned to Shekhar and asked, "Well, what about you? What is your final request?"
"Please," said Shekhar, "Kill me first."
-

-
GIRLS
HARD-DISK Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
WINDOWS Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
SCREENSAVER Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!
INTERNET Girls:
Difficult to access.
SERVER Girls:
Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she
comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............
-
Santa, his wife, Jeeto, and their seven-year-old son, Pappu, walk into an ice-cream shop.
Santa says, "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."
He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"
The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"
"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There are really only three things a man wants in life. First, he wants a nice big car. See that nice big car parked outside? That's mine. Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along."
-
Banta needs a bull to service his buffaloes but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.
Banta complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the buffaloes. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
Banta looks very pleased, "The bull has serviced all my buffaloes, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's buffaloes."
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied Banta.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," says Banta, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."
-
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky and starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him; the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves. The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"
-
-deleted-
-
Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, beca! use that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies,"I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"
-
Women Are Smarter Than Men
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother!
-
Quote: |
"Please," said Shekhar, "Kill me first." |
Certainly i agree with your request since you are hard of hearing what is the use in you hearing me sing and not being able to enjoy it?
Uhhh Cindy sorry but can you please translate the following for me?
(zor ka jhatka dhire se lage), (jo chahe ho jaye), (yeh dil mange more!).
-
Querida:
zor ka jhatka dhire se lage: bayangaramana adi...lesa pattuthu
jo chahe ho jaye: yethu venalum nadakkatum
yeh dil mange more: intha idayam venduthe...more!!!
-
That was a good one Ratchaci.
I really enjoyed it. 
-
scorpio wrote: |
Cindy,
Good ones, though I answered them all! Really, believe me!! |
Scorpio ... I knew you were abnormal.

-
Quote: |
Scorpio ... I knew you were abnormal. |
What more can we say? 
-
Oh!
How I wish the admin uploads the 'Blonk Badri's head' icon faster to the list of emoticons!!
Would have put it to wonderful use today!!
-
Hey, what did I do?
I merely shrugged my shoulders to what Shekar had already so wonderfully stated!!!
-
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
******************************
On the last day of kindergarten, the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son gave her a box. She hook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it flowers?"
"That's right!" said the boy.
Then the candy store owner's son gave her his package. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it a box of candy?"
"That's right!" said the boy.
Next the liquor store owner's son handed her his box.
She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "I bet I know what it is. Is it wine?"
"No," said the boy.
She touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it Champagne?"
"No," said the boy.
"I give up. What is it?"
The boy grinned. "A puppy!"
-
scorpio akka!
why haven't u posted this unforgettable incident (puppy joke) u had while u were teaching in the "unforgettable incidents" thread?

-
Simple! Because I always tend to forget incidents where I acted silly, thambi!!
-
jaiganes wrote: |
scorpio akka!
why haven't u posted this unforgettable incident (puppy joke) u had while u were teaching in the "unforgettable incidents" thread?  |
I can't stop laughing

-
What's the story behind the Real Name
A boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look.
"Mom, why is my bigger brother named Thunderstorm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" "Because we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.
Thoughtfully, Mother paused and asked her son,
"Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"
-
Akash and Jaiganes were digging a ditch on a very hot day. Akash asked JG, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss Scorpio is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded JG. "I'll ask her."
So JG climbed out of the hole and went to Scorpio. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," Scorpio said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?"
Scorpio said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." JG took a mighty swing and tried to hit Scorpio's hand. Scorpio removed her hand and JG hit the tree. Scorpio said, "That's intelligence!"
JG went back to his hole. Akash asked, "What did she say?" "She said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said Akash. JG put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel Akash and hit my hand."
-
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received
as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured
a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more.
Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass
down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "Please give us some wisdom
before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look
on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."
-
Quote: |
"What's intelligence?" said Akash. JG put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel Akash and hit my hand." |
Ayyo Scorpio that was toooooo funny!!!

-
Aaaha! sooper joke akka!
Idhu poala joke ai NOV kooda yosithu irukka mudiyaadhu.
(english translation: Even NOV can't tell an intelligent joke like this).
Long live scorpio akka!
Valarga akkavin pagutharivu .
(eng translation: Let scorpio sister's intelligence grow day by day).
-
-deleted-
-
scorpio wrote: |
Scorpio said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." JG took a mighty swing and tried to hit Scorpio's hand. Scorpio removed her hand and JG hit the tree. Scorpio said, "That's intelligence!"
|
Ha Ha Haaa.......

-
JG, Akash and Badri decide to go hunting. Akash says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. JG and Badri ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."
So JG says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. Akash and Badri ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."
So Badri says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."
So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. JG and Akash ask him what happened and Badri says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"
-
Akka...good one!!

-
How "intelligent" of you scorpio akka!!!
You mentioned software in your profile for occupation.
Must be "custom" software looking at the amount of customization you do and pass it off as your indigenous joke!!
So from today thee shall be known all over the world as "Height of customized intelligence".
The Thambee brigade stands in a line and salutes you as bugles sound off. Doree Harry is all in tears and controls it well, managing to hide it behind the soda buddi. A definite KODAK moment.

-
One day, Scorpio hears from her mother that if she were to do a regular prayer for 4 yrs, a divine "Devi" will come in her dreams & give her 3 boons (Varam). So she decides to do it. She completes 4 years successfully, doing prayer regularly.
On the last day, she sleeps early with great hopes. And, sure enough "Devi" comes in her dreams.
Devi: O Scorpio, you prayed to me regularly for the last 4 years, and I am very very happy with you. I will grant you your 3 wishes. You can ask anything you like, but there is one condition.
Scorpio: Condition!, what is that?
Devi: You have a friend Jaiganes?
Scorpio: Yes.
Devi: When you were in prayer, he was waiting for your blonks, so he has also sacrificed as you. Moreover, he doesnt know anything about the boons, and therefore he deserves some thing better. So whatever you ask, he will get 10 times of that. If you agree, then proceed for your first wish.
Scorpio: (After thinking for some time ... ): OK, I agree.
First, make me 10 times richer than the richest person in the world.
Devi: But Jaiganes will be 10 times richer than you.
Scorpio: It's OK.
Devi: As you wish!
Scorpio: 2nd, Make me 10 times more beautiful than the most beautiful person in the world.
Devi: But Jaiganes will be 10 times more handsome than the most handsome people in the world.
Scorpio: It's OK.
Devi: As you wish then.
Devi: Now the last boon.
Scorpio: O Devi, please give me a MILD HEART-ATTACK.
Devi: What? Are you sure!
Scorpio: Yes. Very sure!
Devi: Well, your wish is granted.
Think friends...
What would have happened to Jaiganes; he would have got a severe heart-attack, while Scorpio remained alive after a mild heart attack. Thus, Scorpio would become the world's most beautiful person and the richest one, too.
Moral of the story: Scorpions are always intelligent! So be careful Jaiganes!
Now, Scorpio and the rest of the girls please stop reading and go on to then next post.
Jaiganes and the boys may continue reading...
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Dear Jaiganes, dont worry, actually what happened was when Scorpio had a mild heart attack, you had a heart-attack, 10 TIMES MILDER than that of the Scorpio. So Jaiganes will live longer than Scorpio, being world's richest and the most good looking person.
Moral of the story: Scorpios like the rest of the girls, are really no match for us guys.
-
NOV,

-
oh yeah, one more thing.... girls NEVER follow instructions.
If Scorpio had listened to me and stopped where she should have, she would be
instead of

-
NOV!!
u are a life saver!!!
I needed that after a hectic day of work!!
But I dont want to act petty. Like Jesus said,
'These blonkers know not what they are doing'

-
Three people, a Srilankan, an Indian, and a Pakistani are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Srilankan student says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Srilanka and free us from the war".
With a blink of the Genie's eye, "FOOM," the land in Srilanka was forever made fertile for farming and the war had ended.
The Pakistani was amazed, so he said, "We lost four wars with India and always fear of being invaded. All i want is a wall around my country, so that nobody from outside can come into our precious Nation."
Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,"POOF," there was a huge wall around Pakistan.
The Indian says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it is about 500 metre high, 50 Metres thick and completely surrounds Pakistan. Nothing can get in or out."
The Indian says, "Fill it with water...now"
-
Quote: |
oh yeah, one more thing.... girls NEVER follow instructions.
If Scorpio had listened to me and stopped where she should have, she would be...instead of... |
That was even better than the joke Nov!!
Hoo hoo hoo for Nov!! 
-
Calls to the helpdesk
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, nothing happens, it must be really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it
yet...it's still on my desk... sorry.
**********************************************
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of
the screen.
Customer: Is that your left or my left?
**********************************************
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on
me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
**********************************************
Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find
it.
**********************************************
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
**********************************************
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
Another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does
work!
-
Calls to the helpdesk II
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.
**********************************************
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a
Capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
**********************************************
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but
nothing's happening...
**********************************************
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you.
Can You please tell me how long it will take
before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button
more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you
will finally be helping me?
**********************************************
A customer couldn't get on the internet: -
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I watched my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
**********************************************
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the
circle around it?
**********************************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed
screensaver on my computer, but every time I move
the mouse, it disappears!
-
How to break bad news...
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh
well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all
that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the...!!! But theres electricity at the house!!!! What was the
candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"
"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."
-
NOV wrote: |
oh yeah, one more thing.... girls NEVER follow instructions.
If Scorpio had listened to me and stopped where she should have, she would be instead of  |
Correction:
Girls never follow instructions given by stupid men!
For JG and Badri:
Weak people always lean on others for support whereas the brave uses their own legs! - Quote for the day by Scorpio akka
Ratchasi - 
-
-deleted-
-
-deleted-
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"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"
My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."
I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.
But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
Sanjay : "I passed your house yesterday."
Anil : "Thanks I appreciate it."
A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."
I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.
Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
"I couldn't lift the table."
We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn't want to wake the children.
-
We all know that Prime Ministers are wedded to the truth, but like other married couples, they sometimes live apart. - Saki
-
scorpio, your jokes are
!
As for the anbu thollai that you are facing currently, cant you use your wand to do something
to the goats ?
By the way duck, it's ratchasi, no need to add names to it. 
-
a.ratchasi wrote: |
scorpio, your jokes are !
As for the anbu thollai that you are facing currently, cant you use your wand to do something to the goats ?
By the way duck, it's ratchasi, no need to add names to it.  |
Hi Ratchasi,
Wand will be used against my arumai thambees if they don't stop the thollai by this week end. One week is all the time they have bought and am surprised that they are so quiet since morning today 8)
As far as the 'kutty' suffixed to yr name repeatedly, I was thinking for a moment if u knew kuku personally and hence affection has extended till the hub, now, 
-
Aama, scorpio, only that is lacking now!
I may need your help with the wand if the duck keeps on calling me that!

-
A long time ago, India and Pakistan were at war. During one battle, the Pakistanis captured an Indian major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the Pakistani general began to question him.
The Pakistani general asked, "Why do you Indian officers all wear
red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland Indian way, the major informed the general that the
reason Indian officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot,
the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day to now all Pakistani Army officers wear brown pants
-
really enjoyed those jokes...ok so im going to do the worst and do some MIL bashing
Q: What do you have when your MIL is covered in concrete up to her shoulders?
A: Too little concrete!
I wouldn't say that my MIL was ugly, but every time she puts on lipstick, it tries to crawl back into the tube.
Q: How do you stop your MIL from drowning?
A: Take your foot off her head.
Q: What should you do if you see your Mother-In-Law rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot her again.
I bought my MIL a chair for Christmas, but she wouldn't plug it in.
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my MIL, and I wanted to say, "Could you please pass the butter?" "But instead I said, "You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."
Mother Knows Best: At a senior citizen's meeting, a couple were celebrating their 50th Anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling story of his dating habits in his youth. It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn't like her. So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn't like her.
Q: Why do they bury mothers-in-law 18 feet down, when everyone else is buried 6 feet down?
A: Because, deep down, they really are very nice people.
Q: Why would you rather deal with a vicious dog than your mother-in-law?
A: A vicious dog eventually lets go!
I'm trying to get my MIL to go ice fishing before the ice gets too thick.
Q: What does a MIL call her broom?
A: Basic transportation.
My MIL asked me, "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the mantelpiece (the shelf above the open fireplace)?" I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire."
I have never made a fool of my MIL.
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.
My MIL and I were happy for 20 years.
Then we met each other.
-
MIL- bashing II
woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral procession like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
"My Mother-In-Law was bitten by a dog yesterday."
"How is she now?"
"She's fine, but the dog died."
Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Sure you can." And shut the door in her face.
I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word "mother-in-law" you get the words "woman Hitler".
Q: The difference between outlaws and in-laws?
A: Outlaws are Wanted!!
-
Lessons in Logic
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
........................................................................
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
........................................................................
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
........................................................................
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
........................................................................
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
........................................................................
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
........................................................................
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
........................................................................
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
........................................................................
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
.......................................................................
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
........................................................................
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
........................................................................
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
........................................................................
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
........................................................................
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
-
Bad Timing
A parish priest, Father O'Brien, was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish.
A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was DELAYED in traffic.
Sooo.....Father O'Briend decides to say his own few words while they await the politician's arrival......
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. What is confessed in there to me, is never repeated on the outside. However, I got my first impressions of this parish from the FIRST confession I ever HEARD here.
Realize, please, that I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very FIRST chap, heavy on marijuana, entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had murdered the officer but the law never caught him. Further, he told me he had embezzled millions from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife and many other women of this community.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people at this congregation were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, apologized for his tardiness and then started in on his speech.
"I want to thank you all for letting me say a few words this evening in honor of Father O'Brien. 25 Years is a long time. In fact, when he arrived here, I had the honor of being the FIRST confession he heard at this congregation."
Now that is bad timing.
-
Querida and A.Ratchasi,
Hmmm, what a way to start the day in office! 
-
Good job Q, with your MIL bashing spree!
Although I daresay, MILs are such sweet angels in India. The mappillai is the apple of their eyes (speaking from experience, ahem) and my MIL is welcome any day at my home! And to her credit, she is a darling!
-
Badri,
Intha post-a appadiye print out eduthu wife kitte kamichu nalla per edukalaamnu pakkariya??? 
-
Akka:
Cha, so like a woman...always looking for ulterior motives behind an honest act!
Anyway, I have told my wife about a thousand times by now how much I really like her mom, so there!
-
Querida wrote: |
I have never made a fool of my MIL.
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.
I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word "mother-in-law" you get the words "woman Hitler". |
hahaha
a.ratchasi wrote: |
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives. |
No two words !!!
a.ratchasi wrote: |
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning |
hahaha very true !!
And Bad Timing -
Thanks querida and ratchasi 
-
sbadri99 wrote: |
Although I daresay, MILs are such sweet angels in India. The mappillai is the apple of their eyes (speaking from experience, ahem) and my MIL is welcome any day at my home! And to her credit, she is a darling! |
badri,
MILs are always good to their mApillais.. but to their marumagaLs....
hmmmmmmmm !!
-
Well...I can only quote the name of the Hindi serial, Roshan...
Kyon ki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi...
(Translation: Cos, the MIL too was a DIL once)
-
WARNING: Pl. continue reading only if you have a sportive mind. Refrain if you tend to get too personal.
Questions /statements not to be asked/made to our fellow hubbers
Niro - Do you know 'pa' has been banned as an unparlimentary word by the National council of human rights?
Badri- Heard the cost of peanuts has gone down drastically in Australia, is it true? ( You have to browse Indian food section to understand)
A.Ratchasi - I want to give you a 'kutty' present which is a 'kutty' puppy. Its name is also 'kutty'.
NOV - Do you really carry a 'Vel' with you wherever you go like our 'Tenali' Kamal?
RR - There is a donation of $ 10000 to the forum hub, but the remitter's name reads as 'Al Qaeda'.
JG - B'lore corporation is going to make MG Road into a 'pay and enter' road and a parking fee for parking yourself there for long hours.
lordstanher- Write the correct spellings of the following words you misspell 1000 times - Anyway, That, right, what, some, have, you, are, your, anything, anybody, because
Raghu - Are you really acting with a tonsured head in the film' London wallah'?
Mandangi
- Write imposition 500 times- I will henceforth not lie that I am an extraordinarily talented and a beautiful person.
More will follow, depending upon the response! 
-
WARNING: Pl. continue reading only if you have a sportive mind. Refrain if you tend to get too personal. And if you started off with a sportive mind, but got too personal reading this...well, tough luck!!
Scorpio: Heard the software industry in Chennai is now paying people to customise and post jokes in FH. Also heard special appreciation awards have been instituted for those who actually design and build their own jokes. Is it true?
Anyway, nice effort!
-
Badri,
Nice try..

-
@ scorpio
-
That is not how you do it, ratchasi, this is how you do it..

-
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It
was addressed, "Mom."
With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with
trembling hands: Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm
writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid
a scene
with Dad and you.
I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice-even with all his
piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the
passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He
already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole
winter.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams
too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be
growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John
can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card
that's in my desk center drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
-
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Bin Laden is still alive", Bin laden decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game. Dubya opened the letter and saw only a coded message: "370HSSV-0773H." He couldn't figure it out, so he asked Karl Rove.
Rove suggested that the head of the CIA would certainly understand code, so Dubya sent it to George Tenet. Tenet, however, couldn't figure it out, either. He suggested, "How about Condi? She has a doctorate, that means she's smart." But, Dr. Rice was baffled, too.
As Dubya was pondering the mysterious message, which lay on the desk before him, Colin Powell came into the Oval Office. When he saw the paper and read what was written on it, he asked, "Sir, where did that come from?" Bush replied testily, "Supposedly it's a message from Bin Laden. But what the hell does '370HSSV-0773H' mean?"
Powell cleared his throat and replied, "Mr. President, I think you've been looking at the message upside down."
-
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"...
Yep", the wife replied instantly, "in-laws."
-
TS i thought hmmm not a good idea to stand on one's head while on a swivel chair....but then thank god the answer dawned on me...hmmm i got a couple of ppl who would like to see that message
Hey Scorpio very good work!
i'll laff until you post something on me...then i'll just laff harder 
-
-deleted-
-
oh my! i think someone has let their avatar possess them!

-
Quote: |
I thought we going to have one joke per day. I don't like to read that much, and this is not enjoyable. dumbing a lot in one day. |
k.bird@sedusa, you have got the option to read 1 joke per day, you know. 
-
Querida,
After seeing your MIL jokes I too thought of sharing one here...
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and MIL. Halfway through their trip, the MIL dies. So the guy goes to an undertaker, who explains that they can ship the body home, but it'll cost $5000. Or they can bury her in the Holy Land for $150.
"We'll ship her home," says the son-in-law.
"Are you sure?" asks the undertaker. "That's awfully big expense. And I can assure you we do a very nice burial here."
"Look" , says the SIL. "Two thousand years ago they buried a guy here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
-
God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter.
"You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"
St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head, then said, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."
God shook His head before saying, "No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"
-
hahaha it's a Dan Brown joke I guess . Good one !!
-
scorpio wrote: |
WARNING: Pl. continue reading only if you have a sportive mind. Refrain if you tend to get too personal.
Questions /statements not to be asked/made to our fellow hubbers
|
Hey, I had missed it. Great ones...
Here are some more..
PP mam: Each post in FH is limited to three sentences only.
Mellon: Fonts in the hub are standardised. No increase in size, no colouring, no bolding..
Geno: Thou shall not preach..

-
This married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies,
"I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
===============================================
...and to end the week...
I cant help but laugh at this one... enjoy...
Subject: FLASH FROM ENGLAND
BREAKING NEWS
Camilla is very pleased with the wedding arrangements, but has turned down the Queen's offer of a weekend
in Paris with a car and a driver.
-
Ratchasi ace point! 8)
Shekhar i was surprised to find no hubbers names in your joke this time
TS
tell the queen not to give up on her more than generous offer
Roshan
*************************************************
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
-
When i read this joke i was like What???
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
-
Hello,i posted as johhny babu, drake etc.. iam sorry for saying bad things abt different people. i will not visit this site again.u r superior to me an i realise that. please forgive me.
-
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-
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scorpio wrote: |
WARNING: Pl. continue reading only if you have a sportive mind. Refrain if you tend to get too personal.
Questions /statements not to be asked/made to our fellow hubbers
|
Scoripio.......
What can I say??

-
not bad!!

-
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Guiness Stout and gulped his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a gulp from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can enjoy drinking this bitter - yucky stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
-
Shekhar wrote: |
scorpio wrote: | WARNING: Pl. continue reading only if you have a sportive mind. Refrain if you tend to get too personal.
Questions /statements not to be asked/made to our fellow hubbers
|
Hey, I had missed it. Great ones...
Here are some more..
PP mam: Each post in FH is limited to three sentences only.
Mellon: Fonts in the hub are standardised. No increase in size, no colouring, no bolding..
Geno: Thou shall not preach..
 |
Shekhar,
You beat me on PP ma'm's statement.. I was about to post it.
Now, some more-
Rohit - All posts on this site shall be in English only. Mathematical equations of any sort is highly discouraged.
Sudhaama- Practice your next 100 posts with only one full stop after every sentence. Dragging sentences with too many dots in between will result in taking away your points on the hub.
-
...appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery...:
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got under way immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first
safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said "at least we'll have a bit to eat. "The robbers opened up a second safe,and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond or an ounce of gold. Instead all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed,the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortable full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
ready for this ????????
squeamish/faint hearted please close or look elsewhere.
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING
-
Trisha: Dr. naan shampoo potu kulikava illa soap potu kulikava!
Doctor: Muthala thaapa potu kulima!!
-
A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.
"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s***!" exclaimed the eager salesman.
"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.
The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"
"We just moved in, there's no electricity in the house!"
-
Akash,

-
...only in America.....
A guy bought a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $38,000 ($600+ monthly payments). He and a friend went duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen in winter. These two guys went to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer, and of course, the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake and got ready.
Now, they wanted to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, which is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee came a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists did take into consideration the ice. They placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), because they didn't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They decided to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. (Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog?)
Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog took off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captured the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hit the ice. The two men yelled, screamed, wave arms and wondered what to do now. The dog, cheered on and kept coming. One of the guys grabbed the shotgun and shot the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stopped for a moment, slightly confused, but continued on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, became really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners had gone insane. The dog took off to find cover under the brand new Cherokee.
----BOOM!----
Dog and Cherokee were blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the Lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company said that sinking a vehicle in a lake by llegal use of explosives is not covered. They guy had yet to make the first of those $600+ a month payments!!
...and you thought your day was not going well!
-
Advertisement for a Wife
FISHERMAN
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of
motorboat.
SALESMAN
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article.
One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has
own house, car and successful career!
ECONOMIST
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high.
However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.
MATHEMATICIAN
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.
IT CONSULTANT
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve
efficiency.
Compatibility couldbe an issue.
BUSINESS MAN
Wife wanted for company.
POLITICIAN
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to
harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social
responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society................. (etc
etc and never getting to the point)
CAR DEALER
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition.
FARMER
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.
LAWYER
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with
evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.
PILOT
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants.She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have
her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!
BANKER
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.
ACCOUNTANT
Required a girl - 5'8' & 36' 24' 36' with a good head for figures. She
must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as
possible. She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her family.
PARTY GUY
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a drinks factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come round. Friends come round only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to bar. Meet personally in a bar or send
drinks for trial. Sample should be ample.
MINICAB DRIVER
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from x-ud, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but map reading skills are a bonus.
BUILDER
Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.
DOCTOR
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.
ARMY COMMANDO
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.
RACE CAR DRIVER
A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep pace!
ASTRONAUT
I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!
-
Fisherman: why fish? just cook and eat worms
5'8? Definitly no asian gurl need apply!
hmmm Party Guy should just stay bachelor
awwwwww how sweet:
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life.
****************************************************
Gurl: why does the bride always wear a white dress?
Mom: Because white defines peace and happiness.
Gurl: Then why does the groom always wear black?
Mom: Well, the opposite of why the bride wears white.
*****************************************************
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
***************************************************
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
"We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.'
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once'."
*****************************************************
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a con-ciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
-
Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Andy came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny.
When Uncle Andy came into the bedroom, he saw the Little Johnny Kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.
Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.
Little Johnny looked up and said, "What are you doing?"
"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Andy.
"Mom is going to be mad", said Little Johnny.
"Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Andy.
"Because the bed pan's on this side!"
-
Doctor: "I see you`re over a month late for your appointment. Don`t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What`s your excuse?"
Patient:" I was just following your orders, doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders?, what are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
-
Q, 'That's once' is simply
!

-
British scientists at the Royal Air Force, built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers at NASA heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new low flying stealth aircrafts. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the America.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Americans sent the disastrous results of the experiment to Britain, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
The Brits responded with a one-line memo --
You're going to love this...
"Defrost the chicken."
-
Hi ppl....BEFORE I VANISH FOR COUPLE OF MONTHS....here something I wanted to share... ENJOY.
__________________________________________________________________
(great to see hyderabadi back in this thread... WELCOME HYDERABADI. missed ur good jokes)
___________________________________________________
EGGS
Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept
under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their
marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while
cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it
was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other
time but hadn't.
In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very
strange so she went to Fred and asked, 'Why are there 3 eggs in a box
under our bed?'
He replied, 'Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in
the box.'
Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she
consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20
years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. 'But where did the 10
thousand dollars come from?' she asked.
'Every time I got a dozen, I sold them.'
-----------------------------
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
_________________________
It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive
a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the
wheel, you can be sure he is married.
_________________________
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married. My parents helped
us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my
girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one
thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one
thing was her younger sister. My prospective
sister-in-law was twenty years of age.
One day little sister called and asked me to come
over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings
and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and
didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to
her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a
word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched
her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went
straight to the front door. I opened the door and
stepped out of the house and walked straight towards
my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With
tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test.
we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"Always keep your condoms in the car"
____________________________________________________________
-
Because I'm a man....
when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.
-----------------------------------------------
when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
-----------------------------------------------
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like
milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin"
or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
-----------------------------------------------
when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
-------------------------------------------------------
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).
-----------------------------------------------
I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should
stop and ask someone.
Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
-----------------------------------------------
there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
-----------------------------------------------
I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to
see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
-----------------------------------------------
you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
-----------------------------------------------
I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?
-----------------------------------------------
and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
--------------------------------------------
-
Quote: |
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator). |
That is so true!! What is it with us men and the remote? The urge to be in control, do you think????
-
Short, short story
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "will you marry me?"
She said, "no."
And the guy lived happily ever after...
-
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
-
Some more marriage jokes...hope we can dissuade Thambi JG from tying the fatal knot...
1. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
2. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener!
3. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
4. Marriage is an institution where two people come together to joint solve the problems they never had before they got married.
5. Marriage is like a fortress under seige - those inside are fighting to get out, and those outside are fighting to get in
6. The wise never marry; if they do, they become otherwise
7. My favorite: Every man must get married; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
-
NOV,
For yr 'Because I'm a man',
Atlast, you've found the guts to speak the truth! Congrats!
Badri,
Enna joke post panni enna, JG-yai moonu naala kanavillai!! 
-
Hi ppl....BEFORE I VANISH FOR COUPLE OF MONTHS....here something I wanted to share... ENJOY.
__________________________________________________________________
(great to see hyderabadi back in this thread... WELCOME HYDERABADI. missed ur good jokes)
___________________________________________________
Thanks - Shakthiprabha
-
FUN FOR THE YEAR
http://uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/attachments/buildabetterbush.htm
-
Akash...
Absolute time pass....good one
-
Great thread guys... I'll make it a point to chk this thread daily...
Quote: |
Every man must get married; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life. |
I believe the same applies to women too...

-
Arguing with your Boss is like
wrestling with a pig in mud.
After a while you realize that
while you are getting dirty,
the pig is actually enjoying it.
Help a man when he is in trouble and
he will remember you
when he is in trouble again.
Complex problems have simple,
easy to understand wrong answers.
It is not exactly cheating,
I prefer to consider it
creative problem solving.
Behind every successful woman,
is a man who is suppressed.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness,
didn't know where to shop.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems,
but then again, neither does milk.
Most people are only alive because
it is illegal to shoot them.
I'm not a complete idiot,
there're still some parts missing!
Forgive your enemies but
remember their names
The number of people watching you
is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome.
-
Akash wrote: |
Arguing with your Boss is like
wrestling with a pig in mud.
After a while you realize that
while you are getting dirty,
the pig is actually enjoying it.
|
Akash,
P.S : Can you pls. tell me the name of your PM? 
-
God only knows, if that PIG is around

-
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
***********************
Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," came the reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
-
scorpio,
!
-
Dont know if these have been said here already.. but anyway.. some stree relievers for the Friday...
Stress Reliever # 1
Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: it is very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Stress Reliever # 4
Wife: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife : "What? At 2 a.m?!"
Husband: "Yes, We used night clubs."
Stress Reliever # 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE."
Stress Reliever # 6
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Stress Reliever # 7
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in a 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He is the original owner."
Stress Reliever # 8
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it.
She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had requested. The men went to carve it in, but being the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."
Stress Reliever # 9
Interviewer: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
-
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby. She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, Theres nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.
-
A poor, ill educated man created the billion dollar Reliance industry.
Two business graduates from Stanford and Wharton Business School are busy breaking it up.
That's education.
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! WHAT A RIDE!!!
-
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
*******************
I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN...
...the new policy on harassment included a photo of me.
...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
...my secretary says things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.
...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.
-
A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."
-
The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her
house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the
wild
sex they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his
shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the
house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary
and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up
until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying *******!
You've been playing golf!".
**************************************************************************
The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son
they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure
enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father
rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife
and
told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
***********************************************************************
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he noticed the size of his manhood.
I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It
has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's
private bit. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something
to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
**********************************************************************
Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the
room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought
one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went
to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "Eat something. I stood like an
idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a
lass
of water."
**********************************************************************
The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. The bartender replied, "Yes."
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "But that comes to real
money. A whole 4 cents."
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his
business."
********************************************************************
The Sixth Affair
From Jimmy's diary:
" I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so
we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing
was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of
age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend
down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had
to
be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married and she had feelings and desires for me
that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told
me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up
and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up
the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front
door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards
my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family."
I said to myself, " Thank god that I forgot condom in car..."
***********************************************************************
The Seventh Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight
vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his
pale lip began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said.
"Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, I have something
that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I slept with your
sister, your best friend, her best friend and even your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "That's why I poisoned
you....."
-
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh, killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females" he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
-
Discoveres That Men And Women Made
The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP
The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION
The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
The woman discovered CARDS and invented KITY PARTIES.
The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
The woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things...
While the women STUCK to shopping.
-
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after
the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."
-
Please get up!
Once a newly married couple had a quarrel as a consequence of which, all conversation between them stopped. Unfortunately the husband was to attend his office very early the next morning.
So he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me up at 6 a.m. tomorrow morning," and kept it beside his wife s pillow.
His wife read it and went to sleep. He woke up very late the next morning and got very angry. He looked ferociously at his wife, but she calmly pointed towards his pillow. Under his pillow he found a piece of paper.
On it was written, "Please get up, it is 6 o clock now."
-
Sorry if you are NON - IT guy!!
If girls were programmed in C
the code for their structures would have been like this....
struct female_professionals
{
double styles;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge;
char non_co-operative;
};
struct beautiful_city_girl
{
double boyfriends;
short affairs;
long stories;
void greymatter;
char flirt;
};
struct newly_married_females
{
double dinner_invitation;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_break;
void bank_balance;
char hen_pecked;
};
struct married_females
{
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossip;
float hopes;
void word;
char unstable;
};
struct old_lady
{
double chin;
short memory;
long sighs;
void attention_from_men;
char chatterbox;
};
struct husband_wife_professionals
{
double income;
short tempered;
long time_no_see_each_other;
void love_life;
char money_making;
};
struct engaged_females
{
double time_on_phone ;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding;
char edgy;
};
-
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
-
Anniversary !!
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the dark, stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She got out of bed, cautiously went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She opened the door to the cellar and went down to the steps to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying.
She asked him, "What`s wrong with you?"
He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years."
Baffled, she said, "Yes."
The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today."
-
Child support
John finally found the nerve to tell his fiancιe that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.
"No, she's broke," he said.
"Well, then, is it sex?" she inquired.
"Nobody does it like you, babe!" he replied.
"Then what can she do that I can't?" the woman tearfully asked.
"Sue me for child support!!"
-
Girlfriend!
After directory assistance gave Rosy, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Adam there?" Rosy asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Rosy said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Rosy dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Adam," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" Rosy exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
-
Upside down!!!
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old b*astard dig. I had him buried upside down."
-
Getting Older!!
Mona and Julia are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Shifrah is upset because she thinks her husband doesn`t find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn`t bother to look at me!" Julia cries.
"I`m so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Mona.
"Yes, but your husband`s an antique dealer.
-
New Fathers
A Pole, an Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.
"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.
"Certainly not," he retorts.
"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.
"How about you?" she asks the Jew.
"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."
-
Nothing to lose
A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30 PM.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
"Now, what?!!"' he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
-
The Truth!
A man`s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they`ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife`s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty mad.
"Where the heck have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
``Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and..."You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
-
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber
looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The
guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the
door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers
and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop
and asks,"How long before I can get a haircut?" The
barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour
and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and
says, "Hey,Bill, do me a favor, will 'ya? Follow that
guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he
has to wait for a haircut,
but then doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop,
laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where
did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says,
"Your house."
-
Thanx alot Akash and Hyderabadi for those hilarious jokes
well after all that fooling around...
there's got to be some divorce jokes !
Question: Why is divorce so expensive?
Answer: Because it's worth it.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering
For Sale
Wedding dress, size 12.
Worn once by mistake.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. -- Lewis Grizzard
I must admit, you brought religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you saw your ex-wife and her lawyer drowning in a swimming pool, would you...
go to lunch or the movies?
-
The Drunk and The Nun.
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.
Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.
So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.
"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
The Bat.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
-
Querida wrote: |
Question: Why is divorce so expensive?
Answer: Because it's worth it.
For Sale
Wedding dress, size 12.
Worn once by mistake.
|
God, its too much
Querida, really missed your jokes & posts!! just peep in Miscellaneous Topics too 
-
Alternate to Divorce
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up and he is now doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says,
"Is here anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "
the airbag!"
Logic in Divorce
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"
Mickeys Divorce
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"
Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not???"
The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"
Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honour! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f****g Goofy!"
-
I loved the mickey one!!!!

-
Event : An insect falls into a mug of beer...
Reactions :
Englishman:
Throws his mug away and walks out
American:
Takes the insect out and drinks the beer
Chinese:
Eats the insect and throws the beer away
Japanese:
Drinks the beer with insect as it is coming free
Indian:
Sells the beer to the American and insect
to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.
Pakistani:
-Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer
-Relates the issue to Kashmir
-Asks the Chinese for Military aid
-Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer
-
Beer vs P**ussy
A beer is always wet. A P**ussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot. A P**ussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: P**ussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold P**ussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. P**ussy does not.
Advantage: P**ussy.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming P**ussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: P**ussy
24 beers come in a box. A P**ussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: P**ussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: P**ussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad. If you come home smelling like P**ussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: P**ussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much P**ussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: P**ussy
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a P**ussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: P**ussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells P**ussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: P**ussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.
P**ussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: P**ussy
If you think all day about the next P**ussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: P**ussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of P**ussy is more fun.
Advantage: P**ussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. If you try to snag a P**ussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: P**ussy
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a P**ussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best P**ussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: P**ussy.
The worst P**ussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad P**ussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: P**ussy
Good P**ussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: P**ussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: P**ussy.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: P**ussy.
-
uhhh that last joke was not in my sense of humour range...anyways here's my contribution today!
Things Mom Would Never Say
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
*****************************************************
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"
"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."
*****************************************************
Things My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING...You are going to get it when we get home.
and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE..."One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."
*****************************************************
A small boy is sent to bed by his father...
[Five minutes later]
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
*****************************************************
(i love this one
)
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
-
One elephant and two ants were fighting.
One of the ants was thrown away by the elephant. But the other ant gets a good grip and sits on the elephant.
Now, what did the wounded ant say to its comrade sitting on top of the elephant?
.
.
.
.
.
Machan avane vidathe!!Amukke!
-
...good one a.r...
-
a.r.! your joke reminded me of another one from Thenkachi K. Swaminathan in the radio program "Indru oru thagaval".
Two persons are watching a tight football game and at the end they were talking.
person 1: a very close game indeed.
person 2: yes, very close game, in all my lifetime, I have never seen a game like this one.
person 1 gets very upset with that statement. why?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
because person 1 was a 60 year old man and person 2 was his grandson of age 5 !!!
-
Shocking letter
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.
Love
Your daughter, Mary
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!
-
Who's the father?
A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop.
He finds one and then begs, "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight."
Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.
After a while the cop turns to the kid and says, "Okay, which one's your father."
The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."
-
Legacy
Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me fifty thousand."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me ninty thousand."
"I'd like that."
"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
"How you look so glum?"
"This week nothing!"
-
Insufficient Funds
A young blonde college co-ed came running in tears to her father.
"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
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Hunting Blondes
Two Blondes were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
The first blonde says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second blonde finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits for an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first blonde finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the second blonde if he did what he told him to do.
The blonde answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
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Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.
Santa's inventions:
1. Waterproof towel
2. Solar powered torch
3. Book on how to read
4. Pedal powered wheel chair.
Banta: Y does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the movie GUIDE?
Santa: B'coz Dev Anand says: 'O mere humrahi, meri baanh thame chalna, badle duniya SARI, tum na badalna'
Pilot Santa asking permission to land said, "Guess who?"
Controller Banta switches the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
A politician's most important ability is to foretell what will happen tomorrow and next month and next year - and to explain afterwards why it didn't happen.
There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment:
What happened to this one?
I dont know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.
"Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.
"Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Jim.
"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?"
"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."
A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman & said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him & said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
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When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old.
Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
Millionaire: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.
Q: What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Maro dikro Dubai gayo?"
A: My son drowned.
Q: What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma gayon" ?
A: Ramesh's son failed in statistics...
Q: Why did the Gujju go to London?
A: To see BIG BEHN.
Q: Why did the Gujju go to Rome ?
A: He wanted to listen to POPE music.
Gujju Premi: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa, Kuch narm sa, Kuch namkin sa, Kuch mitha sa kaho!
Premika: Dhokla.
Jeeto: If I die what'll you do?
Santa: I may also die.
Jeeto: Why?
Santa: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
Teacher: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
Johnny: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.
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HyderAbad, Some of your jokes are good and some of them are inappropriate, my thoughts.
Love these laughamaniacal(is that a word
) jokes! Thanks for contributing everybody!!!
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Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop|
| programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks |
| of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in |
| the Sunday market. |
| |
| One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table |
| and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his |
| childhood (the woodcutter and the axe), he started praying to the |
| River Goddess. |
| |
| The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one|
| month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost |
| his computer in the river. |
| |
| As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a |
| match box and asked, "Is this your computer?" Disappointed by the |
| Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, "No." |
| |
| She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was|
| his. Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all!!" |
| |
| Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it |
| was |
| his. The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes." |
| |
| The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give|
| him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the |
| engineer asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me|
| some better computers before bringing up my own?" |
| |
| The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you |
| stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the |
| Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!". So|
| saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!! |
| |
| Moral: If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it's better|
| keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a fool than to |
| open your mouth and remove all doubt
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Teacher: "What is the spinal column?"
Student: "A long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom."
Got it from... http://www.jupiterscientific.org/sciinfo/jokes/miscellaneousjokes.html
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FALAK KE TEER KA KYA NISHANA THA
IDHAR MERA GHAR, UDHAR USKA AASHIYANA THA
PUHUNCH RAHI THI KINARE PE KASHTI-E-UMEED
USI WAQT IS TUFAN KO BHI YAHAAN AANA THA!!!!!!!!
Mera janaza nikla, sari duniya nikli
Mera janaza nikla, sari duniya nikli
Par woh na nikli jiske liya mera janaza nikla
hows this????????????????
===============================================
First time home buyers loan
First time home buying tips
-
juliee roddick wrote: |
FALAK KE TEER KA KYA NISHANA THA
IDHAR MERA GHAR, UDHAR USKA AASHIYANA THA
PUHUNCH RAHI THI KINARE PE KASHTI-E-UMEED
USI WAQT IS TUFAN KO BHI YAHAAN AANA THA!!!!!!!!
Mera janaza nikla, sari duniya nikli
Mera janaza nikla, sari duniya nikli
Par woh na nikli jiske liya mera janaza nikla
hows this????????????????
===============================================
First time home buyers loan
First time home buying tips |
Yeh to Shayari hai....? Keh lateefa hai? Jo bhi hai, it's nice
...
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Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
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You know what's scary about that Scorpio? I wasn't shocked to find the answer
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK
1 "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2 "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
3 "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
4 "Amen"
5 "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
6 "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
7 "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
8 "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
9 "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
10 "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
QUOTES FROM EMPLOYEE APPRAISAL REPORTS
1 Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2 His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3 I would not allow this associate to breed.
4 Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5 When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
6 He would be out of his depth in a puddle.
7 This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8 She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9 This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.
10 This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
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Judge : GITA pe hath rakhkar kaho...
Accused : SITA pe hath rakhka tho court me aaya ab GITA pe hath rakha tho kya hoga?
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Hyderabadi wrote: |
Judge : GITA pe hath rakhkar kaho...
Accused : SITA pe hath rakhka tho court me aaya ab GITA pe hath rakha tho kya hoga? |
sorry maybe this will totally ruin the joke but what does your joke translate to in english 
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Judge : Place your hand on Gita and swear...
Accused : Oh God! I was brought to the court for laying hands on Sita, now what will happen if I lay my hands on Gita as well...
That's what it translates to, Q
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thanx Badri!
...nice i could still enjoy the joke as well 
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Querida wrote: |
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
|
Querida,

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4 quick steps to cook Maggi
Step 1 - Boil water in a pan
Step -2 - Add Maggi noodles and tastemaker as soon as Ganguly goes into the pitch to bat
Step 3 - Stir till Ganguly stays in the pitch.
Step 4 - As soon as Ganguly is back at the pavilion, your noodles is ready!
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scorpio!!!
Vendha punnil vaelai paaichiteengo!!!
(eng translation: Adding insult to injury!!!)

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oru match thOtha udana captain-a mattum kuRai solluRathu.. hardly sounds a joke

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Roshan,
This is not about Ganguly's captaincy or the loss in Blore match. This is about his pathetic batting form which is driving sports columnists in Indian newspapers crazy. ALmost every paper has written columns exclusively on Ganguly's falling averages over the past couple of seasons. Infact, Hutch is carrying out an ad campaign featuring Rahul Dravid with the tag line-Rahul's waiting. The newspapers have interpreted this tag line as though Rahul is waiting to grab the captaincy so that Ganguly can impove his performance in the midle order.
Etho Mandangi-ya konjam ottinom-grathukaaga ellathayum tappu solla koodathu Polees madam!
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Hi All,
What is the next number in the series
21, 12, 12, 1, 2, ...
Scroll down for answer
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Come on ..
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Only Ganguly knows it. Because these are his scores in the Test series (But sure it would be single digit score) I am not blaming the captaincy here!! an indian cricketer who climbs himself a Batsman!! 
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Adapaavi Akash -nalla neram parthe intha joke-a post panrathukku.. Ippo Roshan-um, A.ratchasi-yum namma kaadhai thirugiduvaanga.
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Maybe someone told him 1 and 2 are his lucky numbers, so he is trying different combinations of it??? I'd say he's fairly exhausted them, then!
Of course, he could try 121 but that seems to be a looooooooooooong way off for him!
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scorpio wrote: |
Adapaavi Akash -nalla neram parthe intha joke-a post panrathukku.. Ippo Roshan-um, A.ratchasi-yum namma kaadhai thirugiduvaanga. |
Actually, it was the best time for that joke!!!!! Sort of clarifies yours, in case people didnt get it, dont you think?
People like me, I mean, who don't follow cricket!! 
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scorpio wrote: |
Etho Mandangi-ya konjam ottinom |
konjamaa? ithu ithu ithu joke-u
Vivek our padathula vadivEluva paarthu sirippaarE -- hahaha.. ayyayyO.. thangaa mudiyalaiyE .. appadinnu.. antha mathiri sirikkiREn ippO
Thanks for the laugh Harry madam !!

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Was it that funny, Scorpio? Did you laugh too?
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sbadri99 wrote: |
Was it that funny, Scorpio? Did you laugh too? |
She wouldn't have coz, she did not intend it to be a joke . But unintentional jokes are more funnier to others.
But tt wouldnt sound funnier to you I know coz, you are yet to recover fully from the banging shock

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Roshan clarified and wrote: |
But tt wouldnt sound funnier to you I know coz, you are yet to recover fully from the banging shock  |
Ah, that must be it! For a moment, I was shocked! Thought I had lost my funny bone! 
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It's a matter of bully bone and not funny bone

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And Akash,
Dont waste the forumhub space unnecessarily.. antha space-la uruppadiyA naalu joke pOtturukkalaamla ..scorpio kadaisiyA pOtta maathiri 
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scorpio wrote: |
Adapaavi Akash -nalla neram parthe intha joke-a post panrathukku.. |
come on, in this independent nation, a tax payer cannot say a batsman who is representing the nation??
scorpio, you could be a real dictator!!
When he has rights to ask us to eat Tiger Biscuit, even we have rights to wonder even we wud get such runs after eating it

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Quote: |
When he has the right to ask us to eat Tiger Biscuit, even we have rights to wonder if we wud get such runs after eating it |
Akash!!! You are atrocious!!!
That seriously is a good joke!!!!
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Roshan wrote: |
And Akash,
Dont waste the forumhub space unnecessarily.. antha space-la uruppadiyA naalu joke pOtturukkalaamla ..scorpio kadaisiyA pOtta maathiri  |
Roshan,
Atha oru vazhiya joke-nnu accept panninathukku mikka nandri.
Didnt know u r a Ganguly fan!!
Akash, Inimela naan ethavathu joke post panna, athe subject-la dayavu panni innoru joke post pannathe pa!
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Akash wrote: |
come on, in this independent nation, a tax payer cannot say a batsman who is representing the nation??
When he has rights to ask us to eat Tiger Biscuit, even we have rights to wonder even we wud get such runs after eating it  |
Akash, what happened ???
all of a sudden you have started talking like the Captain - not captain Ganguly but Captain Vijayakanth . 
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scorpio wrote: |
Didnt know u r a Ganguly fan!! |
hahaha ithuvum nalla joke-U 
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scorpio wrote: |
Roshan,
Atha oru vazhiya joke-nnu accept panninathukku mikka nandri. Didnt know u r a Ganguly fan!!
|
Akka you are mistaken. What Roshan meant as a joke was the one she was rolling on the floor and laughing for.
Right, Roshan?
(see, neenga sonna mathiri, bang head stop pannathum, moola super aa vala seyuthu!)
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Huh!! trying to be smart.. but puriya vENdiyavangaLukku sariyA purinju thank-um paNNitaanga.. too late pa. Konja relax paNNittu appuRamaa vERa Ethaavathu try paNNi paarunga
badri wrote: |
(see, neenga sonna mathiri, bang head stop pannathum, moola super aa vala seyuthu!) |
illa illa konja nErathukku after shocks irukkum.. Sumatrala maathiri 
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Oops.. oversight pa! Vayasayidhuchu illa !! ( ippo itha vechu oru ramayanam aarambikatheenga.. naan saapida poga poren)
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naanum saapda pOganum.. appuRam paakalaam
anyways thanks for the good laugh guys .. 
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My Favorite.....A scientist, once having decided that he could master the intricacies of DNA, decided to go to God and tell Him that He was out of business. He went up to God and said, "God, we understand DNA now. We understand cloning, so we can make life. We don't need you anymore."
And God said, "Is that so?"
And the scientist proudly said, "Yes. Why don't we have a test, and I'll show you we've got it licked?"
And God said, "Fine. Why don't we make a person?"
The scientist said, "Fine. I can do that."
God said, "Why don't we make the person out of mud, the original way?"
The scientist said, "Oh, ho, ho, I can do that."
So God took a handful of mud, and the scientist took a handful of mud. And God said, "Oh, no, no. You get your own mud."
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Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
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Some Ganguly Jokes now
Once, Dona, Sourav Ganguly's wife called Saurav on his mobile. Anil Kumble picked the mobile since Saurav has just gone to the field for batting.
"Hi Saurav," Dona said.
"Sorry, he is batting. This is Anil," Kumble replied.
"Oh, sorry," Dona said. "Where is Saurav? I have a very important thing to discuss with him."
"He is just gone for batting," Anil said. "Should I ask him to call you when he will be back here?"
"No, No," Dona said. "I will hold, he will return soon."
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Q: When would Ganguly have 100 runs against his name?
A: When he is bowling.
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After the shameful defeat of Indian cricket team with Pakistan, the team members were not able to show their faces to people and they chose not to go in public and rather just pack up in hotel rooms.
Pathan could not resist for too long to be in the hotel and not be able to go out shopping and have fun. So he disguises himself as a Sardar and goes out. he meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who greets him "Hi Irfan!"
Surprised for having been caught he comes back and makes himself up as a muslim woman - in Burkha etc and goes out. Yet same again - the same woman greets him "Hi Irfan!".
Pathan comes back determined to give it yet another try with the make up of a Hippie wig and shorts etc. All in vain - the same lady catches him again and greets him "Hi Irfan!".
Bewildered by now, he could not help asking, "How did you recongise me?"
The lady replies - "I am Ganguly!!!
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10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
Ayyo Shekhar that was sooo funny!
TS that last joke i would have never guessed....great one! 
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The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.
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13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
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The Health Secretary is visiting a psychiatric ward, and asks the Head Psychologist "How do you determine if a patient is cured?"
The psychologist explains, "We take them to the bathtub, which is
filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub."
"I see," says the Health Secretary, "the cured person would choose the cup because it's bigger, and would empty the tub faster ?!!."
"Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply
pull the plug."
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Akash...if you keep this up I'll have to soon prove that im sane as well...just pull the plug right?...just in case i forget
"Sir, What is the secret of your success?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"And how do you make right decisions?"
"One word."
"And, What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions."
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SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to the bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
-

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4 SIMPLE STEPS TO MAKE MAGGI NOODLES:
Step 1: boil one cup of water 8)
Step 2: as soon as ganguly goes for batting, put the noodles in the
boiled water and put the tastemaker.
Step 3: stir till ganguly is onfield.
Step 4: As soon as ganguly is back in
pavilion, your noodles r ready to Eat !!
Serve Hot! 